Trying not to become the cat lady,proudly embracing my eating disorder its my minds way of begging for the attention I always wanted,and work

It was already bad enough being single and alone, but with cats I completed the final scene. The many times I couldn’t walk (due to bone spur in ankle) my cats would just lay there and stare at me, or play with each other , as I struggled to crawl to the bath room. For a moment I confess I decided to temp invest in adult diapers. Deep down I thought how I wish I could prove to be temp disabled. I mean if I binge eat a lot and with all my might try to stand, but can’t due to extreme pain…when all I wanted to do is take five steps to the kitchen, but can’t??? That says a lot! I was taking 6-9 over the counter meds for pain and inflammation with black coffee (since it enhances the inflammation pills) And still had a lot of pain. I looked at my cats and wish they were dogs trained to assist the  disabled  (like turning of and on lights, fetching items such as food, and being large enough to lean my weight on)

What would be nice:

Couple of years a go someone I kinda knew said I’m becoming a future cat lady. I said I would never be a cat lady! In my mind I saw myself as a slim woman, who happened to own cats when in reality I was morbidly obese, single with cats.

My life is work,pain , and my cats.

I now understand my cats, how they react and I learned of their talents.

Like since once I lay down I usually can’t walk again for hoursssssssssssss. Cats are independent pets. I whistle…..and whistle trapped in bed wanting to cuddle with my pets. Dogs on average would run towards their owners for love and attention. I have to whistle because I know it annoys them for their nap to be ruined. I don’t know how they figured this, but once I whistle a cat decided who turn it is for them to be near me (for kisses, rubs, and cuddle time) I even saw my cats look at each other as if saying you need to go up there with her this time! No you! They take turns…yes its gotten sad where even my cats know I need a life outside of them. Or I love picking one up as I sit in the chair and the meow of annoyance is priceless. Cats are not dogs. Dogs would love this. My boy cat wakes me up sometimes  3am, 4am to play fetch with his claim of toy my hair scrunchy. I will toss it non stop, he fetches , and brings it back like a dog…over and over. Sometimes I have to pretend I’m deeply asleep, but meows and meows for fetch time.

I can go on and on about my cats and deep down (as a dog person mainly) that pretty much scares me.

————————————————————————–

Its part of who I am. Nothing will change my extreme thoughts on food and body size. The damage is done based on how I been treated as someone my size.As of now my 3x pants fall down ,2x are kinda loose. I can walk sooner then waiting hours, I no longer take pills daily. I mean I took so many pills yet still suffered pain. I now just use some type of bengay cream on my ankles. I still have pain, but its not so extreme anymore(in pain rating through 1-10. Its no longer a ten, but a 8). I still limp, and I still walk too slow, but at least I can stand sooner vs before. I bite my nails I notice when I think of food, I wake up thinking of wendys, pizza hut ect. I day dream of food. Or how such and such would taste so good such as bbq, Or cheesecake ect. Yet even though I suffer such food type fantasies….daily I allow my stomach to growl, I only had 40 calories three days ago, the next 800, and yesterday 1222 calories and may just have 40 calories again today. At work three days ago a resident called me a dumb ass, mother fucker this and that, followed me saying the worst things you could say to anyone. In his 40’s and knows better. And like a Mexican resident said sometimes it can be your own people who can treat you like shit. And here was my own race saying such awful things that I cried in private with my co-worker comforting me, I cried all the way home having the bus driver and the guy I see sometimes who rides the same route trying to cheer me up, I got home and cried some more. It was hard …it was very very hard. I felt the urge to eat a whole box of cereal, to drink sugar and go for pizza, eat until I puked. Instead I allowed myself to feel all the hurt over some resident who didn’t get his way. I was in the right, he said sorry…but his sorry met nothing the next day. I been called slow because I didn’t react asap in the past (I’m nice and it over powers me telling people off asap, so only two people…who are pretty much hoodish said this about me) , or because my sister can learn things instantly when I always had to study for hours, and feeling like total shit because I’m fat, nothing to be proud of, broke, and need to get a education…but too costly. I already feel my life is just existing. So here this resident basically following me and publicly putting me down the worse way when I already feel like a failure. I thought of how my child hood should of been better not dealing with my mothers abuse, trying to call cops, nothing ever seemed right. Time flew by and next min I’m a adult.

That day I had 40 calories. I cried, allowed myself to feel hurt, even the next day, the next,and the next. I stayed clear of this resident who said could we be friends(after calling me a dumb ass, and a fucker,ect). I was honest and said I don’t feel comfortable answering that…since the true answer in my mind was HELL NO.  I know he’s sad how he treated me, he even sounds different, and no longer says he don’t give a fuck (his daily motto) I was the only one who did my best to put up with him. He saw my kindness as weakness. He told me off worse then anyone who works there. The nicer folks get the worse treatment.

1)Being thin will make things better.

2)Stop self punishing yourself.

3)Whats the point of eating that?

4)If you lose the weight you can land a better job.

I say these things through out the day to myself.

When I ate 40 calories…I felt powerful. When my stomach grumbles its odd. I hate it since I’m a binge eater, but at the same time I embrace the hunger sounds. I just sip more crystal light(5 calories) until it silents. 40 calories worth of crystal light. I embrace this. I’m a binge eater who is trying to lean the other way. I binge, may purge, and back to under eating, but it this is who I am. I know being thin will get me both positive and negative attention all due to my size. I want to be so skinny I get stares and praise. Things I want as a thin woman. I want to be noticed and get the attention I lacked. I want to feel like I do on the inside….small. I want that to reflect the outside of me. Next time Im sad and crying I don’t want to curl up and feel mounds of flesh, but I want to curl up and feel me. When people see me not eating I want people to show concern. As of now I’m don’t eat or little people don’t notice and likely thinking deep down I can afford to skip a few meals anyway. I want to feel my ribs, not huge amounts of fat.

I looked in the mirror and slowly I’m getting a figure again. My body is fighting and trying not to lose weight at all. The more it fights the less I have to eat. Its hard. I would love to sit back and go back to binge eating on cheap foods.

When people see me outside walking in a slowish pace, limping,driving by me thinking man….(lets be honest)..

Why are black women so fat…mean while other races in scooters passing by also morbidly obese or worse/same as me.

I just want to be thin so bad………….

I been feeling down still after that resident. Already over worked, under paid, tired, and alone (girls don’t count). Right now its my focus on food and not eating food that gives me some form of life. I don’t know how to explain it.

Dropping out of college,Not talking to mom in almost three weeks,eating low calories and experiencing hunger daily,resident who is anti fat worker.

If I wasn’t trying so hard….

I would be eating oreos with colored filling (green,purple,orange whatever they have) with chocolate ice cream. Then taco bell with lots of sour cream then a wendy burger and mc donalds fries and end the night with cheesecake….sounds like a great fantasy.

Its a hard pill to swallow to kill of my dreams of a degree. The logical thing for me is to drop out. Its becoming too hard and very costly as well. School requires time and lots of it and money and plently of it. I’m in a community college, but still costly for me. I have no money saved meaning if I need a few days off it would cost me losing my place. Rent goes up, food costs go up, everything goes up except pay wage (unless your a ceo somewhere) everything seems the same. I’m not doing so well because of how demanding my job is, its a full time job of me me me type residents and again no 15 min breaks only a 30 min lunch break . Financial aide won’t pay for my class because I only took one class and they said I made a hint more last year (thanks to working overtime on 9 a hour) they won’t pay. I thought if they told me this first I would of never signed up. I even have a 400 plus pay day loan I got out just to pay for rent, buy a few food items, and public transportation (80 for the month). I was short due to calling out because I couldn’t walk over a ankle spur. Which it still takes time just to stand! Everything is a strict budget. I owe student loans,pay day loans, medical bills, it feels like I owe the world. I would of been somewhat ok if I had never went back to school. My school just sent me a e-mail saying I owe them 214.00 (the reminder of my class cost, I already gave them 200…two months ago). My life should be spent on losing weight and working and losing more weight in hopes of looking good to land a boyfriend and maybe not have so much pain on my ankle spur so I can work a second job.  I would of had money saved up if it wasn’t for my ankle spur and trying to get a education. I’m tired daily since my days are spent working full time and after work up till 4am studying and doing home work and barely getting a C so far….when really Bs and As are ideal to compete for nursing. I worked on my day off to make up for the day I missed going to the hospital. And I will have to start working on my days off just to make ends meet. Homeless and broke,but in school is not my cup of tea. Life happens is all I can say.

I met people in school who has a husband paying everything as they focus on their education. Or the two parent home where they buy their son/daughter paid up rent of their own apartment of their choice, a brand new looking used car as they have fun with friends and get a education. Me….no such luck and I know others like me exist. I never got a car, but my younger sister did from our great grandmother…long story short favorites exist within the family even though I’m the oldest. I try to visit my family once a year only to return worse off due to missed days at work. My aunts..one with a PHD and another a college professor won’t help me, but one did pay my sisters cell phone bill for several months and gave my mom money.

Once three years ago when I landed a private duty job and working part time. I was doing okish on money. I only thought of my family. I sent my mom 50 dollars here and there out my extra income. Later on she admitted after I lost the private duty case and a few months later she said she didn’t want to tell me, but knew I would be upset. I would of gotten something too,but I was only one year older then the requirement. My mom finally won her disability which met all three of my other sisters got a large lump some of money. She won’t tell me the amount, but it sounded like a few several thousands. And instead of her saying I don’t need the money she accepted my money when I was thinking she was struggling real badly. Of course they spent it all. In the back of my mind I thought…wow and they didn’t even send me one cent? Just to help me??

And here I was trying to give what I could thinking of my mother in another state suffering.  My college career that goes on and off started when I was 19 I believe. I lived with family and worked. I had to pay my part of 200 a month to my grandmother in which we all lived with thanks to my ex step dad illegally robbing the whole house and my mom making the biggest mistake by selling it to him in the first place. I had to focus on my education, so I quit working to do just that. With aide paying I had left over money (not a lot! very little) for transportation to get to school by bus and train (both cost separately) Problem was I go to school……………..hungry. Yes we had food at home, but it was food you had to cook. Or sometimes we had food, but no food. Meaning we had this item and that item, but lack that item to create that dish. Other students could afford snacks on campus or pizza, but me…nothing. It was either eat and stay home or use the money towards getting to school. I finally went to the dean who granted me money to buy food and to get to school. I then began to pass classes. Math is my weakest subject…which took me out because I couldn’t pass. I then went back to work….and the work or school cycle continued. All this time for people like me should of been working….I would of had money saved up and be ok today vs broke with some classes under my belt.  Someday when I don’t have to work so much and so hard maybe I will return to school. Too much debt and money risk, no life just work and study and barely passing because sometimes you find yourself asleep in the books. I will work,but have some form of fun. Why wonder I’m still obese these days.

I haven’t talk to my mom for some time on purpose. She tried calling me for some days until I text her why I’m no longer talking. Besides being the black sheep of the family and not getting as much help like my sisters…it gets old.Somehow the convo went about me. Not sure if I said something or her. I told her about my ankle spur and how I lost two jobs over it…..if you can’t walk….sent home and was told once I got a doctor note I could work I could return. I had to get a student loan to survive until I could work properly and then used that time to job hunt online and offline. I went on and on and how I couldn’t walk…my mom laughed (she now claims it is all in my head and she didn’t) I told her ok then after I told you she doesn’t have to worry about me calling back…she continued laughing. I hung up and days went by turning into weeks now. We had a text argument some days ago when I reminded her (due to her calling) why were not speaking. She text me that if I lose weight and put the fork down I wouldn’t have a ankle spur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes its true, but still hurt. Yet my non fat grandmother got a spur and more compassion of course. Heel spurs, ankle spurs all spurs can happen to anyone.

Every day I’m hungry….every day. I ate 570 calories two days ago the next 280 and today was a high 800 calories. Last week same very low calories and tired…always tired. I go to work rubbing my stomach in comfort, leaned over the counter to get myself together. Went to my boss seeing if she had any snacks….the look on her face priceless. When hunger comes all self respect goes and yes I count the calories aka small snack size peanuts was 140 calories from boss. It breaks my heart to see only a pound lose that day or one pound point something. I expect that more near goal weight. I don’t eat until after sometime 2:30pm and I don’t eat after 8pm so far. Saw some co-workers laughing at me…..picture it morbidly obese person seeking snacks because she is oh so greedy. Thats what there thinking. If I was slim and hungry and you never see me eat and if you do its low calorie items or nothing at all….then people would raise a eye brow. A hungry,weak fat person is funny since its assumed I ate all day long before coming to work.

There was a very heavy set co-worker. Very heavy like myself. And like me she had bad luck…real bad luck. According to some studies her very long blonde hair should attracts guys. Instead due to her size life treats us harsher. A single parent off two living in a rough area and mugged on the way to work…..life when large is much worse at times. You must have a degree to save yourself! Or hope that job hires you and over looks your size. A resident banned her from his room because he claimed she smells like poop….even though really his roommate smelled badly….anyway he banned her claiming she smells. Next minute he banned me…and at first I was like heeeeey…..but then I was happy. I was told that I smelled (even though upper management knew I didn’t) and to stay out. I no longer had to do anything for them. I would proudly walk by the door when they placed their call light on. Funny part was it back fired since if I was the only one available they had to wait 30 to 40 minutes until another worker could come. I then over heard them complain about it, but nothing could be done. I only smiled inside and on the outside. Since dropping a chuck of weight,….all of a sudden he and his roommate want me to come back in their room. I was told I smell better even though still very obese and I still wash the same way. I said no and talk to my boss. They did and she rejected their request. You can’t ban someone and then want them back. They see I’m trying and doing better and now I’m welcomed back to do their bidding. Only skinny girls or average size were allowed not me.

Its been a battle, but back on track.

I been doing my best with all the stress thats been going on. I have to start all over re-losing the weight I had lose until I was laid off that time ago. My acne under control, my weight slowly going down (too slow for my taste) no longer 330 pounds, but as of today 299.4 pounds. Its been a moment and a serious struggle. Its 12:06am and I want to eat, chew, and swallow. My 3x size uniform clothes are starting to have some room, slowly guys are more friendlier…kinda if you ignore their sex want (never mention dinner and getting to know you…I’m not thin yet for those comments).

I never forgot the wise words of a pro ana online years ago. When fat guys want to have sex with you, when thin they want to protect you. I understand not all guys, but this the truth majority of the time.

1)I make sure when a skinny woman sees me about to board the bus/train…and thinks she can walk past me I speed it up and come right back in front (likely burns 10 calories just doing that)

2)When a guy opens the door for a thin woman I hurry as best as I can even limping (ankle spur) to go through that same opened door.

3) When someone thin says they need to lose weight…I agree. When they say do they look fat, I say a little. (Fishing for thin compliments from a obese person…not happening.

4) Same age range as me,both looked refreshed, both could use a 50 pound weight gain to make me feel better, and had came from having a good time, and maybe secret cousins of Barbie. Me tired, fat, long work shift on feet standing on a crowded train. Two guys got up for both of them, when I deserve a seat! It made me so upset I said loud enough to myself how I been on my feet all day and very tired! Barbie’s family and random two guys looked at  me as if I was crazy.

5) At work when a thin office worker tries to get me to do manly labor and even passing guys to get to me. I play stupid and somehow she ends up doing it. Thin women are strong if they want to be.

Life is unfair for those who are heavy. Have to try harder, work on having a personality,prove yourself that your a great worker when thin ones sit back,and lost opportunities.

What happens when I don’t weight daily, pics,extreme weight gain,and a ah ha moment for a promised mono diet that should work for me, but slowly kill my insides of yummy acid.

I didn’t weigh for a moment and on purpose. I hate seeing the truth and feeling the pressure to try…harder. I even got lazy with something so simple such as purging keeping it all down. I was bad recently I was in a its going to take me a long time to lose weight, so what one day would hurt? Even enjoying keeping all the food down, savoring greasy foods like it was rare wine or exotic chocolates.   There are times I do the right thing, but bad and good don’t mix if bad out weighs the good.

Two days ago I stepped on the scale and I went ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to 318!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my mind I said….shiiiit. What came out was nothing and I said I will do better….after…I eat this and have that. I wake up daily thinking of food.

I stepped in the mirror and took a photo…

Its a sad fact I can hold my own stomach and other abnormal talent with my body.

I took a photo from the side and it seemed my body stretched out badly and my breasts larger yes, but other things got bigger that are far from welcomed. I was, so disgusted I marched myself ready for work, stressing over not having enough study time (just finished studying and doing home work…its 3:01am and I’m tired, only my professor’s encouragement has kept me going.)

I put on my scrubs, put on some lip gloss…as if that would make things better. In the back of my mind I was thinking of my long distance friend I know maybe over seven years. I met her online by mistake as we were both trolling the net how thin women are treated better. We both set out to lose weight and try hard together. She was lucky in some ways such as she wanted to talk allllllllllllllllll the time, but I always had to work….full time, long hours, and live below my means to make it. Over time we got into texting since that was easy for me to stay in touch vs talking or logging on the net at pro ana blogs, and stores that sold size zero clothing ect.

We were both fat black girls and had a lot in common from the lifestyle we wanted, the men, the marriage and making our future husbands happy. We worked hard….I failed with being laid off, once fired, almost losing my apt, and her problems was being a outgoing well dressed fat girl going to places only thin girls were welcomed at. Over the years we went from being too nice due to upbringing as people ran over us to her not giving a shit and us relearning how life really is vs Barney’s playhouse. We talked about how we wear black too often to play it safe. We pretty much grew up together (just not in childhood.)

I wanted to give up she reminded me not to. Long story short she went from panda bear to sexy date-able woman…..we no longer relate. She works on maintaining and I’m getting bigger. I won’t tell her my weight out of shame since she was obese too when we first got to know each other. When we first got to know each other I wasn’t working yet. I was young, living with my mom, and we would talk till 4am in the morning. Life got real and next minute I’m supporting myself and don’t have much time for her unless through text. When I do have time its spent watching Good times since somehow I can relate to a broke family trying to get by. I watch that show like it’s a cult…or my guilty secret of sponge Bob and my adult self of Fatal attraction or the Steve Wilko show.

Her life as a new thin woman is dating loser men, good men…all men. Me….begging men want me, homeless men desire me, and older broke men see a future with me. Her life is the life we both wanted, but now….its just me. That was in the back of my mind.

I put on my sneakers ready to force myself in another day of labor and tiredness.

I said today will be different, today I will be on a mission….in need of a pay day loan because as usual don’t make enough with rent going up and I want/need a car, but with high gas prices I don’t know.

I was proud of myself it was sometime late in the afternoon. I didn’t eat yet. I then tried the healthy way and had two banana’s….from the mono diet idea.

And after

Filled with banana’s and hope I headed off into the heat to began my journey towards work but…..

I was in my work area too early.My mind went wild……Next minute….

It was so pretty I took another photo of it…

After drinking a med fruit punch and refilling (only drinking half of it)

I was in heaven. My limp walk had a pep in it’s step. I was in pure bliss thinking to myself of course for allowing me to be born in a era where wendy’s exist.

Shame washed over me….once it felt like it digested.

At work I had a diet coke,forced down some water and later on my shift for energy bought a cheap can of grape soda from the vending machine.

I got home thinking of my sorry life.

Then it happened.

Didn’t take a photo of the 3rd mountain dew. All this at 11pm something two days ago…and the next day no better.

I don’t understand how I can have some control,but when its gone its extreme. Likely ate over 5000 calories.

——————————————–

I looked online and only found people doing diet soda mono…some smoke along with it…and then there was a lady who died from drinking diet soda so many times only. She died a slim woman.

I will make sure my soda has calories. When I sip on soda it seems my world gets a little brighter. I savor every sip. Sometimes closing my eyes and love the fizz/acid on my tongue. When I have a soda its best I be alone. I felt my co-workers eyes on me as I sip and just was in the moment with my drink. I didn’t know what to do.

Any soda has 900 calories or less per two liter.

*Only allowed one two liter drink

*If hungry like I must have food, must be a protein  item (since its been proven it cuts off hunger…not cravings) Or veggie item, but mainly sticking to soda….mmmmm 🙂

No pro ana site or yahoo answer question I found who did this yet.

How can I fail on soda?

I mean thats what I want daily in a perfect world.

Mountain dew or pepsi are my main choices taste wise.

Reasons to slim (Its not always about health)- 320 pounds as of today.

Today is 6/21/14  2:50am *A saturday

Several hours from now at 12pm. I will be getting ready for work. Only to be there at 2pm. I had the best rest these past days…feet wise. So for a couple of days I should be ok before counting down my days off again. I’m trying to take it a day at a time due to my size/weight. Each day I complete my shift is almost a reason to celebrate. I won’t read past posts from last year and some ago….too depressing to know I was…smaller, but still fat….but compared to now..shame.

 

 

-REASONS TO BE SLIM-

1) Being slim/thin opens possible doors to advancements on the job

2) The smaller you are in a safe way (not death in hospital way) the less fat on your body

3) Thin people tend to (not all) have less acne (to to not eating a lot…of chemical filled foods, so less food sensitivities

4) Thin people tend to get more help when down

5) Abused thin women tend to if not all the time have a guy ready to rescue her vs. fat women just have to have the courage to leave on their own. 

6) Thin women and fit men can do more sexual positions without weight in the way. (Just because I don’t do it doesn’t mean I don’t read and think about it sometimes lol)

7) If you are slim and sit down on something people won’t blame your weight, but blame the product being weak to began with

8) When people describe you…they won’t say the fat guy/girl with the (mention hair style or clothing color)

9) Any fashion you wear is cute or somehow unique. A larger person has to really look, and find that right outfit that pulls you all together. I seen some outfits if I wore it…..I wouldn’t get the same reactions as a thinner woman.

10) Guys tend to feel they have to prove there worthy of your attention when slim. If your slim and clueless he wins in having a thin girl who he can treat like a fat girl.

11) Guys hate taking thin girls on dates only for her to order the 20$ dollar salad and a diet coke. When your fat doing the same thing is highly welcomed…only you will be paying for that dinner and coke or slipping. Being slim guys WANT you to eat.

12) Being fat people expect you to be fat, happy/jolly. Being thin you can have any personality. 

13) Short hairstyles look amazing on thin women. On fat women the wrong short hair style can make some think your a butch to some woman out there.

14) Online dating is perfect for slim women to be worshiped, desired and woe is them. Like the size 2 modal who confessed her pains of breaking up with her boyfriend who likely feared never finding a thin woman such as herself and lost it and went into stalking mode. 

15) Being slim your allowed to be insane, have some form of addiction, and other risky behavior and most of the time a guy will try to deal with you and even join online support groups asking how can he make it work. 

16) Clothes are made for thin women first.

17) Being slim even if not fit or healthy you have a higher chance of out running someone who wants to do harm.

18) If your traditional being carried after the wedding by your husband is romantic. Yes there are some guys who can lift heavy women too. I had a guy insist  on lifting me during my 260 pound days. I said no…no He said yea. When he lift me and my feet were no longer touching the ground I was like whooo. Just think thin women can be lifted up daily if they ask. Well the next day this 20 something year old, fit guy said he would never lift me again…his back was in pain for many days…many.

19) I seen a fat girl and guy on a date at pop eyes….enough said there. Thin girls if you see them at pop eyes its not inside as a romantic date. Kinda like me being offered a mc donald meal of my choice for sex.

20) Most fat guys want a thin woman and even though more open about larger men. A fat girl wouldn’t mind a fit guy themselves. On fat dating sites a thin/fit girl or guy would have tons of date requests for long term.

21) If your thin and tall that means your legs/knees will hit the person next to you on a plane….but people will have more compassion and deal. Fat and tall/short you need two seats or get ready for the person next to you hinting about diets along the way or appearing like they are suffering.

22) Even though anorexic wise they get loving boyfriends by their bed sides vs fat women get ex convicts or guys who need shelter or your their fetish and must gain more dangerous weight to keep them aka feeders, or a easy sex access without the gifts and dinner dates and movies.

23) Fat pet owners…people may pass by and say what a cute dog. Thin women get that as a way to get to know her in hopes of dating her, or a summer fling….but thin flings are better then fat flings. Fat women are shown his bed room asap vs thin women are eased into it after shes ready. Pets are judged by their owners and that includes size.

24) People see you as the picture of health….they never know how you got there. All they see is the now, not the purging, the exercise, ignoring food cravings. Being slim means your the ideal picture of health.

25) Being thin….you notice different types of people want to be your friend.  Even on friendship sites people’s ideal friend sometimes are slim people. Unless they want a weight loss buddy.

26)Popular attractive parts of thin women:

Popular attractive parts of large women:

27) Status unless other wise the average plus size person is stereotyped as low class vs thin women upper class

28) Study mentioned that thin women tend to have better success in marriage….only because if she stays thin the guy stays. Some will leave with weight gain.

29) All pictures look great even the stupid ones

30) Unless a global famine hits. Generations from now thin will still be in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still day ONE of water fast- Progress update same day 325 pounds

 

1) The first thought I had when I woke up was what can I eat? I had to push that thought away.

2) Woke up limping like I do some days now. It sucks. So thats what help me stay on it so far.

3) At 6:40 something am in the morning. I threw up some of the Alfredo sauce (just a small amount), I’m giving my body full permission to do what ever it wants to lose weight.

4) At 7:01am had to comfort myself by rubbing my stomach…my stomach feels so empty like it needs to be filled.

5) For exercise I’m going to walk to walmart, then back home (not going inside for candy and all things chewable). If anyone is trying to do the same as me a locale store thats walkable from where you live is good.

6)  Brushed my teeth twice so far.

7) When on a water fast it seems you have a lot of time to do things…besides going to get food, buy food, cook food, ect.

8) If I watch a video or a show the trigger to want to eat increases. By habit I read, or enjoy a show through snacking.

9) Eating is a form of keeping my mind off negative things.Gives me something to do. Almost like a hobby.

Like I said no matter what I am staying on this water fast no matter what…how long…who knows maybe it ends tomorrow (lol) or next week (impressive)

Its 7:01pm now and I’m doing good…so far. The closer to night time the stronger the cravings I get.

So going to take a shower RIGHT NOW, and later I will be in a ball aka fetal position for bed time for sure.

If I had ribs right in front of me right now…..I know I would of failed asap by now. After this fast and I land me a job…I’m going to get some ribs. The best ribs in town!

Intro: Water fast day ONE- Yes I will complete this one. 325 pounds.

 

FASTING RULE NUMBER 1:

Never do a fast under stress.

I SAY: Unless your retired and live in the mountains stress happens. Stress happens to me a lot. Like maybe losing my place next month if not hired fast enough (applied to 10 jobs today), or when employed dealing with residents or/and managers, or not being able to afford something I really wanted….the list goes on and many others have stress out there too. Its a true gift to have a non stressful life. Some people stress over good things such as what to wear on a date, their first house, child, throwing the perfect party. If many go based on not having stress than many can never fast in their lives.

 

FASTING RULE NUMBER 2:

Try to relax and stay away from hard exercises.

I SAY: If you have a demanding job psychically…what else can you do? You would of failed a fast at a office desk job just as much. Its harder, but possible. Any diet or fast is all mental. Anything you do which is good or bad starts in the mind. If someone turns you on it all starts in the mind, if you want to steal it all  started in the mind….just like me going out in the dead of the night thanks to chocolate mental images of candy. The advice given about fasting seems it is geared to people who can take it easy. Plus when I fast I’m sorry I will do some sort of exercise to increase the weight loss.

FASTING RULE NUMBER 3:

Prepare for a water fast by eating fruits and veggies and maybe some light soups.

I SAY: For me I have to go cold turkey. The idea of sipping or soups and eating clean….rubs my food addiction the wrong way. Any diet I been on feels like a self tease of what I really want. It would be grand to start off the right track and of my budget of zero income…..water is pretty cheap. I have distilled water in a gallon, but if I have to there is a sink…I mean my cats are healthy and then been drinking sink water for over a year now. Honestly even if I had 5000 dollars I rather go cold turkey. I have tried clean eating first only to have a burger and some type of pie or cake after.

 

WHAT REALLY SPEEDS UP WATER FASTING RESULTS

1) A low salt diet helps with rapid weight loss. If you eat a low sodium diet  your body doesn’t hold on to water. By water fasting and sipping/drinking water and low salt aka only water SOME of the weight loss is water weight. Not all, but a few pounds is water weight.

2) If you don’t eat your body has to use whats inside of you for fuel. Thats why many suffer low energy some days when water fasting. No carbs, sugar, ect. to give you a boost. Only bacteria, fat, and what not.

3) Lack of calories.

 

WHAT I WILL TELL MYSELF TO COPE:

1) I’m not going to die.

2) Grocery stores, fast foods, restaurants will not go out of business as soon as I go on a water fast.

3) Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, and many more who are very well off even have to suffer diets, exercise plans just to look average or really good. Takes suffering (yes for me just not touching food alone). Even the ones who claim not to do anything to seem they were genetically lucky have to work hard too.

4) Life sucks, but eating/binging won’t cure it…..makes it worse.

5) If I feel odd, mentally weak, or a sudden empty tummy feelings….have to remind myself that I ate that before, and if it’s different in culture of food….its really not that different. Meat, sweet, wheat,…I mean all foods are related just made a little different or use of meat that may not be common to you. Nothings truly new.

6) Romance vs food, wedding vs food, a actual relationship vs food, cute clothes vs food……

 

WATER FASTING TIPS (At least for me…remember don’t copy me I’m desperate)

1) Going back to my nightly roots…..fetal position..and comfort myself and try my hardest to shift my thoughts to endless date nights, and single digit clothing tag shopping sprees instead of all things soft and sweet.

2) A shower…a shower makes me feel like I’m restarting and cleansing myself of worries, sadness, and just in general just starting over. Kinda like starting a whole new day.

3) Self massage of the stomach. With slight pressure on my stomach (for obvious reasons).

4) For me forcing myself to drink water increases my desire for food…so drink water when I feel like it. No gum, no diet soda….this is a pure water fast.

5) Rest when possible if needed.

6) When I was losing weight, sometimes brushing my teeth helped…sometimes. I mean a fresh minty mouth biting into something wonderful sometimes happened too.

7) Sounds crazy, but I recall placing a ice pack or a zip lock full of ice on my stomach. Oddly this worked sometimes in the past.

8) This works so well I don’t do it because I want to eat. Any food you really…really want picture it, and imagine it full of pinkish/brownish worms all oozing out of it, and dipping back in.

 

 

WHAT I ATE YESTERDAY:

*Not all at one time, just through out the day.

1) Two boxes of uncooked great valued brand of shells (enriched macaroni) of course cooked. Each box has 8 servings, 200 calories per serving, serving size 3/4 (laughable yes).

2) Three jars of great value (yes on a serious budget, cheap and creamy goodness), classic Alfredo.  7 servings per jar, 45 calories per serving, serving size 1/4.

3) One reeses peanut buttercup (two cups per package) calories I think are 200.

4) From the frozen section one Boston Market meal (country fried beef steak)  520 calories.

5) One Sara lee cherry flavored cheesecake. Yes ate the whole thing in one sitting. Serving size 1/4, 4 servings per pie, 340 calories per slice…again I ate the whole med. size pie.

How many calories? I don’t feel like counting and I know its a lot. And deep down I don’t want to know my damage.

 

MEASUREMENTS

Around waist/stomach: 57 inches

Upper Left arm: 21 in, upper Right arm: 20 in

Right thigh 35 1/2 , Left thigh:35 1/2

Right calf: 21 in, left calf 20 in

Bum: 54 in

 

 

PHOTOS:

Photos taken sometime yesterday.

 

Because I’m concerned about job hunting I found myself eating…more..more..and more. I know people judge others based on weight no matter how covered up and well dressed you are. By binging on cheap foods I’m doing more harm then good.  The length of the fast is unknown to me. Just going to take it one day at a time. After I’m done I will print only this page and the rest of the fasting pages. I will force myself and take my own advice on these pages. I know I can do this. Its 6/8/14 and the time 5:20am now.

 

RANDOM:

Its based on my opinion on what I hope my body mimics in the future….its never too late. If I was 50 I still would be aiming for the slender marry me next week, I’m sexy cute look.

I love the whole Nicki Minji curvy body type…..just I love the slender body even more. The slender body can go anywhere….not just a rap video. A slender body can travel, and even if someone says you need to eat….in their mind you should, but global you win!

 

I’m black. It helps. I mean people assume that I’m black that I have a church I call home and want to either be fat and proud or desire to lose weight for a curvy build. Sometimes I still joke how I want a thick body, but want to lose weight and I mention curvy girls that most non black women on average don’t want as a body goal. And they believe me besides getting its a joke. Kim K is popular with many, but not me. I feel shes a little too big goal wise. And nothing wrong with their sizes (plus size women) just slender women regardless of race/age seem so elegant if they want to. Plus size women can too, but I feel we have to try harder to find the right clothes to pull it off. A slim woman can have a ugly butter face, but men focus on the neck down. Yet will look her in the face and say how beautiful she is. Thinness is very powerful.

Do you know how I felt being rung up by a cashier in her 50’s, greying hair with blonde, slight bent back, slim like maybe a size 6, with missing teeth tells me she is only working for fun. Her guy doesn’t want her to, but open minded enough for her to. He loves her and works all the time and to kill boredom she decided to work part time….and me single with all my teeth so far, just unfair and the only love I get are my cats:(

The real killer is hearing recently about a size 0 BLACK girl having some 50 something year old guy taking her out to dinner, buying gifts, and wants to take things serious (she said no over and over) that could lead to marriage. I’m not big on dating too young or too older then me, but when a older guy does see me he thinks of sex and good bye. Size zero girl is treated like a princess. I get treated like a street walker.

 

Day one….day one….I can do this….

 

 

 

Being the heaviest I have ever been in life….

 

Currently 26 of age. Single still and I admit never had a boyfriend before. I was never one of those girls that took what I could get. From a girl telling me I look good and I may get to be a baby mama (forget a relationship, let alone a possible marriage). To being between the ages of 19-21 with a cute guy with dirty sneakers offering me love if only he had sex with me right off the bat.

Not long ago I decided to throw in the towel, and embrace my fate as a living and breathing large size black woman. I feel no judgement to lose the weight really, but yet feel the discrimination everyday. From guys who pass me up, to having the experience for the job only to be passed up for someone more….acceptably slim. I looked online for pro fat groups. Men and women both proud of their guts and rolls and who gives a flying F of society. Stories and stories of how their treated by family, friends and strangers.

At 5’10 and 330 pounds a good friend of mines said I wasn’t that fat….I think its a culture thing and luckily not all of us think this way. Yet deep down I’m glad were a little more body friendly….as of now…kinda. I noticed blacks shifting as well and women my size in the future won’t get a slap on the wrist and can continue on our ways….but thats another topic.

It didn’t last long. Seeing white, latino, black, and few Asian girls on these pro fat sites and speaking out against how were treated….didn’t last long. It felt like these pro fat sites agreed with me that were not treated right, but instead they will embrace their size no matter what.

I went to whole foods …it was sunday and hey I love the fresh fruit samples and chips and dips. A habit I use to have when I was losing weight, more smaller and somehow started wearing sun glasses more with a feminine step to my walk. I decided to go back to feel…to remember…the ways of my thinner self (compared to now). At the end I would leave with a small bowl of watermelon or fresh squeezed orange juice before heading out.

In whole foods besides the cute men both customers and employees. I saw people ….slim thin women with their boyfriends and husbands..with kids 😦 and here I came like I was walking down some stairs looking for Rodger from the show whats happenin…

I felt older, pointless, lost of dreams and very alone. When I was losing weight. I didn’t care that someday I was going to be 30. Losing weight the world seemed to be open and free. Like so what I don’t have a college degree, no guy yet or even kids. It seemed everything was possible. Bad things could happen, but at least I would be thin, at least if single I could get a boyfriend within a matter of weeks (yes I knew two women who met a guy and married him within knowing him only in a month. One a zero the other a size 2)

The high retail store I use to work at….the boss that laid me off I found out a couple of months ago he was long gone as in fired. I had department managers saying they needed me, had proof…..I found out once laid off he replaced me with another stock girl. Someone told me he had favoritism with his own kind (Latino/Mexican) I refused to believe it. But why lay me off only to replace me with someone else? Even the other worker (who was latino) when she heard I was being let go she was angry. She said I was a great worker. He also had issues with women too. He talked down on women no matter the race. Even the new assistant Hr woman who was carrying her first child. Besides this he was eventually let go only because he got too comfortable. He was suppose to be at work, but would stay home for days. He got caught by corporate when they came to visit…he was no where to be seen. When I was there I would call him only to be told he left out 2-3 hours then when he was suppose to. I never said anything…I mean that was my boss I felt.I will admit I was a little shocked.

It hurts knowing I would of been almost a size 6 maybe by now, still working there and experiencing true love…coughs…coughs…based on my size first…coughs….and  who knows what else. Instead I’m fatter, more upset, and fear the future.

Visiting that whole foods…..I had to throw in my pro fat movement thoughts. I knew it wasn’t going to last long the more I saw thin women out and a bout enjoying their little skinny lives. Doesn’t matter the race of woman…all I saw was slow motion in whole foods. The larger woman I saw it seem time seemed to pick back up again.

My friend yesterday wants to go out for lunch later today (its 2:10am now) I told her Im going on a water fast. She laughed and I understand…I mean I been trying to fast since I was a teen. With rare success and plenty of failure. Its a low blow knowing that I am class 3 of the obese standard. It use to be class 2…then 1….those days long gone.

 

—————————————————————————————————————-

Since being really Obese:

 

 

1) I got a job 4 days ago. I lost the job after day one. It was working as a nurse assistant. Those who have done this work before understand its really the nurses slave. The lpn/lvns nurses sit and do hardly much. Your busy yet a resident needs help…they sit there letting you the nurse assistant do it all. Some are nice enough to get up and say hey as your wiping up poo that do you know so and so needs help? Very common practice in nursing homes. The job was 12 hours straight. I only got to sit down 20 min of it….because I was born with my ankles going slightly in ward (you couldn’t tell during my thin era as a child). The doctor told teenage me I would always have to wear support for the rest of my life, and ice my ankles/feet after standing on them too long. Well because the job required heavy lifting of residents who were total care, non stop poo cleaning action, getting them up because family wants to see them sit up during their short visit, and having to feed three people meaning after one ate (which took time) I had to feed another…then another,,,,,putting me the new girl with three feeders behind. Long story short I took the bus…limp on home the rest of the way. Laid down and never felt so happy to do so….woke up and because of the intense on your feet job and never allowed to be caught sitting during down time. My feet hurt, but my left ankle was weak…to the point I couldn’t stand at all. I had to crawl three times to the bathroom, using the little upper strength I have to host my self on the toilet…such a sad sight. I couldn’t cook or heat anything up because it requires standing. I crawled back to lay on my floor ( no bed anyway) and ate applesauce and fiber bars I was too lazy to put up thank God! The job said I can return after I get a doctors note proving I can work again. If I don’t….then fired pretty much.

2) During orientation I was hoping to get placed in independent or assistant living. Thanks to stereotypes that all fat/large women like myself are really body builders who can left anything and anyone…so thats how I got the skilled nursing side thats full of heavy elderly people who by the way are not fat just heavy. A family member expected big ol me to lift her 6 foot tall something 200 pound something husband into bed  when it said on his chart he is a two person. And when I got help he was still a struggle to lift into bed. A girl during orientation said I should be happy it won’t be hard for me since Im big..I cut her off and said I’m not that strong….she then tries to correct herself and says I mean your height!  Even the nurses would pull me from my work to help a nurse aide lift because well I’m super MAN of course. Had to correct them too and they would go oh no I met your height! Right…my height becomes many saving grace.

3) Being called ma’am  by younger and people of my same age group.

4) Walking from my apt, pass the train station, and all the way to my old job like I use to 5 days a week 5:30am in the morning…a 30 min walk. I was losing weight so good I would jog on and off. Me jogging….the thought….just amazing back then. Still big, but lost I believe 51 pounds off my frame helped a lot. Well a few months ago (3) I did my same path and complained to myself never again. It was HARD. I was breathing hard from such a long walk. I can’t believe I use to do this five days a week and then after being on my feet at work (30 min break and 15 min…at rare skipping all breaks) I would walk back…well going didn’t take me 30 min …almost 50 something. And going back home…rode the bus back. I couldn’t handle the torture anymore.

5) I limp more often then before.

6) I fear talking and walking due to the fact people can hear me breath hard.

7) My fat clothes and now my temp goal clothes. I now have a limited amount of clothes to wear due to my increase size…can’t even fi my old uniform….you can tell I loved that job.

8) My days seem to be going faster. I get up and it feels like night fall is right around the corner.

9) Feel aged

10) Went online so that if I do land a job and can’t walk due to extreme pain….at 26 was looking at fashionable canes 😦 and even life alert sounds like a good investment.

11) Rode the bus and sat next to a guy. The bus was small and crowded. So when a couple left leaving two free seats he got up and left me. I told him thank you (shrugs) he said nothing. I gotten so big my rolls were touching him.

12) I gotten so big bending over is risky. My pants start to go down showing my under wear. And it has shown often.

13) I did one on one care giving. A couple of months ago…didn’t end well, but anyway. She was 90 years old. Told me she doesn’t care if I get bigger and thats what she likes about me…..I was like wow ok. One day she said she loves when we go o the store together because I’m so big she feels safe no one will bother us….that crushed me. Ok yes I’m huge in weight, but I hate being judged. I mean if a guy/girl comes with a gun and wants your purse….I’m gone…I mean GONE. Or at least begging to spare MY life. Plus I’m not a fighter to be honest I know I will lose anyway. I will hobble off to a safe area and call 911 for you…but don’t expect due to my size I’m tough and scary:/  In my head me and Princess Peach have some things in common…we both want to be rescued for one.

14) Knees feel weaker

15) Takes extra effort to stand from floor (where I sleep) to standing position. Requires using my hand laying on a strong near by surface aka chair and slowly coming up.

I better stop here.

 

But once again I will try….to water fast. Its 3:01am now  scale reads….328.0

 

I promise you its not the hair……its the weight loss.

Happy Easter by the way!

Right now I am sitting on the floor with my lap top on the carpet.

On my wall now hangs my new 7 dollar dry erase board with 820 calories today the time as of now is 1:55pm.

820 calories. My goal is 230 pounds real soon….230 I will feel like a model….for a moment until it hits me that hey Im still large.

I am craving a chocolate bar so bad right now! Guess the benefits of not having a car? It would take me a 20-30 minute walk to the corner store just for that candy! In the past I would walk at 11pm to seven 11 a 20-30 min walk as well just to buy glaze donuts, soda, and other random things just in case….its sad to think in this mini ghetto where people sell drugs at night, and some hooked on drug person taking a risk to buy drugs late at night…my drug was food and just like them my safety was put last. I am still addicted to food….trust me! A manager gave me a piece of her farewell cookie cake….a small piece (she was never my favorite and glad she is leaving).

Yes I did beg for it. All those thin women rushing in for a tiny piece as well. They took a bite or two, gave her a hug and was like omg were going to miss you! When they left a whole large cookie cake was still there!!! It looked like only one human came in for a slice and left. Not five thin women who came, sampled and left!

Once I took that bite….I got weak. I didn’t understand how they could handle all that sugar in one bite and not have a desire for more? I struggled, I thought in my mind ignore large and alone cookie…..by then I was alone. Alone with this drug of mines. I got weak and rushed on in the back…she had taken it.

I was proud of myself since she did use her HANDS to break me a piece. I ate only the part where her hands didn’t touch. The old me at the job I was fired from. In the cafeteria a obese food server, with large mole on face (not the beauty mark one), dark haired Mexican lady had no gloves on, used her bare hands to pick up my fries and placed it on my plate. I felt grossed out by that….but yet ate it then felt even worse after that I was served like a animal and ate at the speed of one too. So for me to not just eat the whole sample met a lot to me. It shows that I won’t take anything. Next step never taking food out of others hands unless its real I mean real close friend.

That cookie brought on a mini binge once home….but since I don’t have pies and ice creams to binge on Im ok.

——————————————————————————————–

My friend got caught up like me. Our hair. Being the former morbidly obese girl and her the former obese girl. (Yes a difference) The next highest step for me would be super morbidly obese.

My friend is now considered overweight. Yes fat to others, but a huge congrats to her 🙂

Anyway she was like maybe its my hair?

Instantly my mind went back a couple of years ago and then even more way back how we would be upset, and think others were stupid like a former obese christian lady said God sent her a ideal man….um why didn’t he send this ideal man when you were obese why now with a bay watch body?

Or women thinking its how cool they are even though they curse like a man. I have countless stories and the best ones are when the super thin get fat and are shocked their guy wants to leave them ….not her oh so perfect traits of laughter, how she ignores him, or outgoing ways ect. is not going to keep him.

And now almost 6 years later of knowing each other, hours spent at the gym, ignoring her favorites at times or having her favorites, but not a second amount or no special sauce topping. Tells me maybe its her hair?

I was blown away! If it was the hair we would of had some one a long time ago!!!

We always had our hair done, at times we went so called natural on the rare. She always dressed nicely. Just because I am now wearing hair with a slight brown to it, I won’t blame it on the increase of attention! I mean I have done this style before!!!!

I never wear fake nails, but its like I become a size 4 and guys are asking me out left and right. Will I sit there and blame it on the nails I decided to get once a size 4? Its like a woman going blonde and is obese, but loses weight and goes red hair and can she blame the red hair on better treatment? When the blonde lady who is a size 6 been having attention all along?

The little things women do is for us. It makes us feel pretty. I mean like I said before I thought I saw a gay male couple until they got closer it was just a skinny woman wearing mens clothes with cap, no nails, make up ect. with a cute guy. If she was fat and dressed like that ….???

My hair and makeup was all I really had. I had the plus size looking good days too, but with clothes being added…..its like all of me is coming together. Once 200 pounds I desire a 150 dollar shopping spree. Sounds small, but enough for maybe two outfits and a necklace.

size 18 pants falling down, broken scale,learning about thin women clothes,being thin doesn’t mean life is over…EAT, increased male attention,and why someday this blog will be forever removed

Im back. I still managed to keep my job after all that drama so far in the past. This March marks a year being there. The longest I been at any job….

Next month going to pay in full, so I can get my blood drawing license.

Today was my second driving lesson and I have mastered not doing wide turns, and my braking is still perfect from the first lesson she taught me how to brake without us both going forward lol.

Life is blah, but decent. I started a another full time job….couldn’t handle working 6am to 2pm then 3pm to 11pm the same day. I quit for that reason and others such as cursing, rude residents. I applied at mc Donalds …..lol. I got hired on the spot as part time, but they have to see if they can get me on another day for orientation since I can’t put my real job on hold again. If not can’t take the job.

—————————————————————————————————

MY PANTS:

My pants size 18 are dropping yet the scale is telling me I am gaining

People at work are amazed and ask what Im doing yet the scale says Im bigger and shouldn’t be even able to get into my size 18.

My scale had me depressed for a few days and had a greek yogurt with honey and fresh berry binge. Strange yes, but put all that together and you will get its a tasty binge!

I now have to wear a belt with pants aka a 18, I said ok this scale is lying!

My weight unknown. I could be 240, 230? Just don’t know. This coming pay day I will buy a new one to find out. Here I am depressed and yet look smaller to everyone else.

———————————————————————————————————-

Learning about thin women clothes

Being the former 300 pound girl. I wore large shirts and pants/jeans. I wore short shorts (that went to the knees aka camper shorts) only once when I was like 17. Two girls looked at my legs in disgust and I never wore them again. Im 25 and oddly never threw them away. I guess a part of me wants to put them on again someday and brave it. At 300 they wore kinda tight. I think I can fit them now. Since I work for a high retail store that sells pricey name brand stuff. I mean the shirts for these thin girls are really dresses, they have these odd names for items I never dared looked at due to my size. If I did would only hurt me. I can’t even spell the name of these things. It has always been shirt, jeans the end. Thats why I like my stock team its pants and shirt the end. No dressing up like sales people everyday. I have to learn on top of everything else on thin dressing. I have a idea, but some clothes make zero sense to me. On top of understanding if a guy says hi to me he really means me (not always the case Im still fat, but now…..)

—————————————————————————————————————

Being thin doesn’t mean never eating again!

There are smart thin girls who make it look like they eat and do nothing, then silly ones who everyone sees that ok thats why she is thin. My friend with HOURS of exercise, and eating under x amount of calories has managed to get a date offer. I told her were still fat girls, but not extreme as before, so go date….but never take it serious. Fat girls are known as a guys best playground. Some stay since it is fun, cool to hang out in, and not bad at all. Some guys see this play ground as a visit and out….nothing serious only to see his face book updated of his found soul mate size 4.

Its ok to date as a plus size person, but don’t have your hopes up too high until he makes it clear he wants you! As a thin girl your hopes can be super high and if he leaves you then yes be shocked and hurt since the chances of that happening as a real slim lady is just about the same as winning the lotto.

My friend worked hard…I mean here I was eating 300-500 calories which is hard, BUT she was eating maybe 600-800 and EXERCISE. She didn’t want to ruin her diet and results with one simple date. I told her the whole point of our weight loss is to GET A DATE then MARRIAGE. I mean I was thinking why lose weight just because? Ok health (yawn), but still!

I told her to exercise like 30 min hardcore before the date to get her body in calorie burning mode. Eat like a fat girl (aka like I want to) order steak, mash potatoes, a drink with calories in it……the thinner you are and the more you eat like a plus size lady…guys love this! They hate a thin date….who eats like she is thin. Twisted yes, but they want Barbie with a appetite.

After date just do 20 min exercise, the next day eat real low to fight off yesterday. Or other means to release food….The end.

Thats another reason why I love pro ana girls they are on it! Notice how some of them take pictures of themselves eating or pretending to bite into some huge burger, or making a video of them eating this large plate of food? They are only fooling the public and once the camera is off that could be it for the whole day, or a hour or two of jogging ect. or better hardly eating the next day.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Increased male attention.

My crush I use to have is..even more talkive. I mean I didn’t have to say good morning to get any talk out of him. The other guy who was nice….but is nicer. I mean he is talking even more to me, the serious guy who see me every morning without a word said hi. I noticed when I did slip up and gain all that shut down! Its like I know people are noticing, I even inspired a co-worker who only saw me and felt she too needed to try. I mean if I can shade some weight so could she right? I got kinda nervous with my former crush I asked him is he ok? He is being too nice. I mean thats not normal….I looked in the mirror and thought oh yea I forgot Im losing weight and carried on. Recently my fav co-worker I saw who i didn’t see in a good moment lost weight! She is white and I recall in the middle of last year this super fat black girl had the nerve to hint to her about weight loss. I was shocked when she changed the subject quickly (this happens to me with my own race…part of me likes to talk about weight loss with others even if Im not losing. Such as a 400 pound black lady cut me off real fast. Just like sports is a guys favorite mines is diet….for life.) I thought ok maybe she has a black boyfriend somewhere and talked her into believing she is trim and almost anorexic with love handles. My race and other races who date black men who do complain about fat women, but will run to one fast!! And make you feel you need even more meat on your already meaty bones.

I was wrong and she looked amazing! I was like how can she come from a culture thats pro slim and vouge……even if she never lost A pound the desire I thought would be there.

Outside of work I get attention. No not homeless men and pant saggers without a cause. Average guys who appear normal. Its not daily, but I see improvement.

—————————————————————————————————————

This blog is here for now, but not forever.

I will create a another blog in the future just pics of my thin self posing with fries and a double patty whooper. Or french kissing a cupcake in my size 2/4 clothes, or looking sexy into the camera making sure my collar bones are showing, with mini posts about how I eat 2000 calories a day, telling women if a guy don’t like you at a size 16 then leave him! As I hit the gym praying I can burn off yesterdays cupcake so I can look real trim for my future hubby. Taking pictures of me as a new era betty Crocker with a smile, pics of me cleaning with a larger smile…..hey that blog will be linked to my dating ad and will be given to guys interested in me in person! I won’t be a fake either I would really cook and clean for a guy I like! I will even have pics of me in wedding dresses to hint that if you don’t like this pic you can go and LEAVE marriage minded guys only.

My life will be filled with me being thin. Making sure the guests drinks have calories and mines don’t. Making sure to empty a 20 oz mountain dew and fill it with water (no one can tell whats in that green bottle) and drink it and have people amazed how I can drink just about five 20 oz bottles of sugar and acid and yet stay so skinny its unreal!

The smaller I get the stronger the urge I been having to bring in sweets, and goodies to my thin co-workers and hope they transform into me. The bigger they can get the happier I will be. Its twisted that I want others to be happy too, but deep down the increase in obese people will allow me and my friend to stick out in a sea of plus size ladies.

My blog shouldn’t exist. I want to join the love yourself the way you are crew 🙂

Don’t worry about having decent hairstyles that fit you, girl go wild like a untamed bird :D, don’t worry about choosing a hair color that fits you (go with the famous person you like), go crazy!

Curse like a sailor, pick you nose in public and like the hood says do you!

We dress right for a interview, we understand we should wait our turn, we change ourselves without knowing it to fit in sometimes or to stand out either way if we can do all that why do many not understand that you may have to do the same to attract the type of person you want?

If being a better looking person means being a size 2….bring it! My stomach still chit chats at times, but it is so worth it!

Date or brownie

Cute guy checking me out or thug lovin checkin me out

Fashion or walmart clothes ONLY (not sometimes, but only…I refuse to spend alot on fat clothes)

I will continue to blog here for now, but my blog ……don’t want too many to think and say hmmm she has a point. Too many thin girls exist already as it is!

TIPS:

*I warm a cup of water at work on 70-88 minutes. I sip on it to stop the desire for food when I know Im not hungry. It helps vanish cravings.

*If possible I take a nap tired or not. Alot of times im tired and craving food to help keep me up. After a nap I no longer crave or feel hungry for a few hours.

*If I pulled a no no….the shower head is removed so water shoots out like a hose. I drink water first( a good amount!), get in shower and allow the hose to hit the back of my throat makes you gag…..and then…um splash? Do this at most twice a month to none.

*Buy a box of fiber one bars the 35% and eat the whole box and drink water too. This is extreme and yes has calories….but makes you do a serious…..and better then lax tea. Do this on the rare and your stomach will hurt.

*Self talk alone when no one is near. I mean talk out where only your ears can hear it. Self talking in the mind is not taken serious, but when you hear yourself….even if you slip up the chances are less higher then just in the mind….yes I do this almost daily lol.

*This is hard for me since Im the clean your plate type of person. This morning I bought a pancake wrap. I ate half and threw it on the ground fast….yes regret hit me, but worth it. By tasting my food the pancake wrap from 7-11 I tasted the freezer and box it came from, low quality food. The old me eats anything good or not in taste and since I have issues letting it go still I threw it to the ground. My future children will thank me or they would never exist!

Good night for now….zzz 12:21am