Posts Tagged ‘race’

Is it because I’m black and fat that……

May 12, 2015

I never forgot about four years ago having my first roommate a African guy.. a guy (big mistake, but you learn. He admitted to me that he thought I would be one of those very religious black girls who could also sing. Made me think recently of a old show where you stand in a room as strangers judge you based on your race,size, clothes,height,gender,ect. I’m curious how people really see me sometimes, but some don’t want to hurt feelings and become PC. Which is fine and expected, but if given permission I want the truth! Fat or thin I understand I can’t escape stereotypes that don’t apply to me.

If I had the body like the above would you think I was greatly deep in church and took over a solo and sing it up like ms. Franklin? To big mama, Norbit, and Madea,Nutty professor of black men cross dressing acting loud,ugly,praise the lord Jesus,asexual, of the ideal black woman many seem to enjoy seeing….those of us who are fat and black get these things tagged on us before anyone gets to know us/me. Even family guy show cases black women as fat and dumb in short mini clips.

Only recently are we seeing shows such as scandal with Kerry. A beautiful, successful black woman who is having a sinful affair with the president. I never saw one show, but Kerry is not fat and is in the media. Then how to get away with murder..saw a few shows and stopped. No offense 1 gay sex scene was ok, then 2….then 3, and Im thinking when will a black woman the main star of this show get to have some fun? So I stopped. She is a middle aged, average size black woman with a lot going on. She is not obese and thats all that matters. Then that Empire show. Never saw it due to hearing about the colorism in it. Cookie is not fat based on the ads. Its a start and a breath of fresh air away from the pine sol or bigger type ladies who make everyone around them appear better in looks.

I also feel when smaller you get a better choice of friends. All sizes get their fair share of bad friends, but I feel I attract the total opposite. Some things we all share such as a better life. I ignored one for a week hoping nicely she simply go away. I got text messages and I responded (I felt kinda bad) and back to knowing someone who says N..ga as a good word and is a woman too. Everyone knows I’m against such words. I was called a N…ga in the heat of her happiness as she saw me working with the computer saying in the nutshell that I’m smart….I’m thinking do we have to use the N word :/

I can’t wait to return to my state next year…and leave some behind making them fade away in a past memory. Sadly yes they want to move with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meaning pack up everything and join me in another state even though we won’t live together. I pictured my self all thin, in a two piece swim suit, playing and being all sexy like in the sand, my cute and very faithful yet hot husband comes near with our kids and this fantasy is ruined by girlfriends coming out of nowhere saying look at my n…ga!

Im slow….because I don’t like to react fast. When someone upsets me I don’t like to tell people off asap…I know what going on. My nice trait kicks in first and if it continues…days later and then it all builds up then I get angry which either have me calling 911 or reporting you to the manager. I don’ believe in fighting really and I was thought of as slow by the same two making plans to move to my state with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup lets follow the slow one to a whole new state, the one who didn’t have any kids out of wedlock without a ring or at least not with someone very broke…yup Im the slow one.

I also still attract white girls who want to be my friend…who are fat to super fat, very rare skinny. They call their men ni…gas (yes black men), who struggle and tell me all their woes of their men problems. From his drinking, to he don’t want to work, and how he does this and that, but hey he has a big D (even without warning still get shown the D from their phones or hinted about).

I’m like if I was a skinny black girl would I attract this? I mean like would I at least have a choice like thin girls get in the dating market? You know normal friends with cute flaws or oh no so and so over spent again, but at the end of the day things are cool?

My fantasy friends are any race, no N words, its ok if shes fat or thin,but just a decent person. No one is perfect and even I have flaws. It was so nice when I was doing great in the weight loss world….omg.

I started attracting girls who were normal. White girls who exercised and were concerned of their image to the plus size white girl who wanted to lose weight as she claims for her health yet randomly mentioned wanting a boyfriend. To the thin black girl who invited me to her outing with other co-workers, she had the cutest, edgy afro, dressed always edgy rock clothes and was pretty popular, to slowly getting more invites to places I never thought of. Then there was another black girl who was like a size 2 talked to me. My weight loss was opening doors people.

Now fat me just gets invited to fast foods, cheap restaurants on the rare, school tours as a support to who ever I’m going with…………zzzzzzz.

As of now weight loss is a every day battle. I’ve been doing good lately and sadly by now if I stayed on track I would of reached goal by now. Slowly its coming off, but I have to hurry time is ticking!

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I never said I wanted to be a white.

June 11, 2014

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Thats why I said a long ago to that anti color blonde tips in my hair woman; treat me like you would a trans woman. I hear the ladies being nice to trans women, see them becoming friends, but sometimes behind their backs they disagree with what they are doing. I rather the same treatment just talk behind my back and suck up to me in my face.

This is what happened yesterday. I didn’t talk to a so called friend for over a month ON PURPOSE. She told me off badly…like reality tv bad.  Only because I didn’t want to hang out with her and all her friends aka work buddies. She told them about me and they thought I was funny and asked her to bring me along….I said no which lead to her telling me off royally over the phone. After that I stopped all contact with her. I  thought I shouldn’t accept that in my life. I mean to be honest….I still don’t see her at my future wedding, and I wouldn’t want her watching any future kids of mines where they pick up on some of her behavior. I just go along with sure you’ll be invited…

Last month she came back and apologized and how much she missed me and that I’m charming. I couldn’t say no I mean I was touched. She never said sorry before and I knew that took a lot out of her.

Last night were talking a normal convo, about friends, family, goals, work, ect. She then clears her throat.  She says I just want to say something….I said ok :/

She said sometimes I feel you want to be white…

I felt my thumb ready to press the red button to hang up on her, regretting not changing my number to not give her the opportunity to come back in my life, thoughts flash before me of moving to a new apt then changing my number and her never finding me again. I took a deep breath and told her why would she say something like that?! She said I don’t know….I mean. I asked her did she accuse her brother who just got a white woman/girl pregnant trying to be white? Or because he won’t marry her I guess he is keeping it black? Or just me? She said…I don’t know its something about you. I just feel you want to be white. 

I told her honestly that just pissed me off. She starts laughing because I don’t say words like that its so rare I can count on one hand per year I say something like that. I told her I’m serious and you know what Its not a good idea to meet up tomorrow at all. I asked her AGAIN what is it that makes me want to be white? No answer. I told her this is her only chance to get whatever she wants out.

She starts just talking. She said well you want to be skinny….

I told her just because I don’t want to be a fat A for life (yes I said fat A without the two ss’s just A) that means I want to be white? Because I want to be globally attractive and not just in the ghetto’s that means I want to be white? Shes a size 10 and says she is trying to get bigger so her thighs can get thick…I told her honestly I think she met her goal a long time ago. And I told her not all black girls such as herself want to be bigger and toned. It is not race related to want to look your best. She wants to gain weight in hopes of it getting a bum back there….but sorry its either you have it or you don’t. Yes black women/girls tend o have a bigger, curvier bum, BUT I seen very small size black girls with no surgery what so ever with a butt. Some black girls like her and Beyonce tend to have more hips then back side. Eating and getting bigger…it depends on your genes where your fat goes.

But yes this lady below looks ok and shes not skinny:

https://i1.wp.com/comps.canstockphoto.com/can-stock-photo_csp14865640.jpg

 

When I rather look like this, and she has a butt (genes):

https://i0.wp.com/thumb1.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/71295/159630524/stock-photo-young-beautiful-sexy-female-with-blank-black-shirt-front-and-back-ready-for-your-design-or-159630524.jpg

Again I could aim for this:

https://i2.wp.com/us.123rf.com/450wm/flashon/flashon1308/flashon130800158/21569753-cheerful-young-african-american-woman-portrait-on-white-background-isolated.jpg

 

But would rather have this body type and it doesn’t mean I have self hate of some form:

https://i0.wp.com/thumb1.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/63555/166009520/stock-photo-beautiful-african-american-model-166009520.jpg

So I asked her every thin black woman who stayed thin had in mind to be white? And if someone is white it’s not bad to be white just like its not bad to be black,Asian,Native American, and Latin.

She then says well……

I said well what?! I felt myself gaining rage. She said why do you get upset so fast? I told her no…I’m feeling anger right now, not sadness. And what you said was very rude. And me wanting to lose weight is not geared to race. She then says well maybe its because you been so big so long she read obese people sometimes have a weight loss goal thats very extreme. She said she forgot about that. I said right ok..?? 

 

She then said well you said you don’t want to live in a black neighborhood…

I had to hold myself. I had to calm myself down. It was like she was picking and choosing what she feels and forgetting everything else.

I told her I like more diverse neighborhoods like I was raised in growing up. It was safer, no guys begging me for money daily, no rape threats like I get, no guys offering me free sex and nothing else, It was beautiful and the yards kept well,people seemed happier. I told her when areas have ONE main race living in one area I don’t want to live there. And where I live its a low income area with blacks both from Africa and American born, Latinos mainly Mexicans and few from elsewhere. My neighbor is white and on the other side of me is white, but they are the minority in my apartments. Where I was raised there were whites, Cubans, and a black families and we lived in house.

When I went to get my hair done by this girl a few  years ago. She lived in a black neighborhood. Her neighbor came over and told her hey my N…ga! She was blushing and smiling…I told her I think I’m ready to go home. She was a heavy set black woman with two kids to support on her own, and questioned my racial preference in men after I said that. Her four tooth friend said well you know me I want ONLY a black man, no white man for me. And no light skin black men either I like mines nice and dark….I said ok…opened my book and ignored them both as she completed my hair and I never went back.

I then told her I’m sorry…but not really, but each race has its low class. Like I don’t want to be in a area where its normal for you to be in a single parent home, where greetings like hey my N word is normal, and many pointless corner stores, and many police cars going by every few minutes. A area with many cops mean its not the best area. Where I grew up we hardly saw the cops.

Where she lives is more diverse because she can afford to. She doesn’t have countless loud un-watched children running about, she doesn’t have a lot of cops in her area, she can go for a walk without having guys slow down asking how much she charges,

I told her I’m not going to sit here and say I LOVE all black people when I don’t. Same is true for all other races. I won’t like you based on race alone…thats very stupid. No going to be great friends with a killer writing him/her letters to their jail cell just because they are black too.

Besides having a couple of cops tell me my area is no good. There are sites telling black women to move out unsafe areas aka the hood. I asked her did she want the links?

She then says I see, but…I said but what? I wouldn’t want to live in a all white area either more so the area I saw full of trailer parks, and anti obama signs, and a dash of Dixie flags. I asked her remember that? She silents and says…oh yea…

 

She then says well I tried to hook you up with black guys and you keep saying no…..

I told her well sorry I wasn’t interested in the two black drug dealers you said would like me. I don’t want to be a part of that. It can ruin your life and more so if they feel your helping him deal drugs out. Not in the mood or desire for jail.

She then says well you need sex. I told her I am sick of her and this sex. I told her yes my self esteem takes a hit when I look at my size, but no matter how low it gets I will not have sex with any man no matter his race if he never proved he is worth my time and shows he really cares about me not sex. I told her I can find my own black guy and many have offered their free sexual services to me. I don’t need your help. If I slept with a guy just because you feel I need sex I will feel worse then I do now.

My great grand father was a black man who worked hard during the worse times for blacks, made little, but made sure my great grandma was taken care of. He even built her a home that she lives in today, he loved her, he was a real man, and respected her. When he passed away it was hard on the whole family. I never got to meet him I wasn’t born yet. During that era blacks had the highest marriage rates and the men really tried to take care of home, having a baby out of wedlock you were looked down at…these days…so no I won’t get with a guy because he is black…I’m black the end. Thats silly. No one in my family has a positive male role modal and if they were good they have been dead decades ago from another era. When I see fathers with their kids, hugging them…its alien to me and I admit sometimes make me nervous like its strange. I’m use to women doing it all and you only have your mother to depend on. I refuse to have kids with someone just because they are black too. I want my future kids to have everything I could only have in my dreams and thats a father. I remember not caring who it was I just wanted a wonderful dd of my own. I never got it. And I’m big on not having kids and becoming a single mom with kids to support all alone. So I told her I know your beliefs, but if my future kids have a white, Latin,Asian, dad then so be it. I just want a stable home and even if divorce happened I want someone who will stay in their kids life. I told her there are very good looking non black men too.

My mind went….the desire for food was so strong….I walked to walmart still on the phone with her…next min. I had a huge box of smacks in my hand and more pasta and sauce.

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…………….hello?…You still there? Hello….I recall her calling if I was still on the line.

 

I was so upset. It was like I went back in time to middle school. I was the quite, very shy black girl. I wasn’t outgoing, nor wanted their attention. I wanted friendship, but because I wasn’t outgoing and in their faces I was then rumored to be snobby, and rich, with lots of white friends who are living in Hawaii somewhere….yup kids invented huge lies. When I was a home body, many worries, and all this made me a target of being bullied and chased. When I owned no name brand stuff and that went against me too since I didn’t care for name brand I was acting very white according to the kids.  I was nick named the white girl. When I had no white friends, far from rich and was dealing with a lot of problems at the time.

I came back to her on the phone. I told her I won’t try to change myself for anyone. Or anything. I will be me. And if being me means white to you then fine. I learned to love myself. Somethings I think about even make me laugh, I love how I can be hopeful sometimes, I love my voice. The people I know always use me as a reference because they said my voice is professional. I love everything about me. I told her I won’t be changing for you and it won’t happen.

She said how about we just change the topic…??

I said NO!

I said there is lower class people of every race. I like the oprahs and condalisa rice’s of the world. They won’t greet me as their Bitch (like she use to a lot in the past) or N…ga. And they didn’t earn their wealth by degrading themselves on reality tv increasing the stereotypes of black women or how a black woman should act. I don’t agree with some of their views, but black wise I feel better around them. I said even Janet jackson, Denzel, Kerry washington (Im a girl so I know mainly actresses).

She said oh so you like ONLY rich black people? I said I don’t like lil wayne due to his racist views on skin tone and he is rich. I told her I only mentioned them as a example of behavior. I met loud unclassy white and latin women and I stay away from those types as well…showing me your black guys penis on your phone is just tacky shouldn’t that be for your eyes only?  And I’m black….and black guys exist in my family, so I never viewed them as magically sexual powerful men…I’m black so….yea. Same with the black girl who showed me both her man in jails….member and her new boyfriend member….the friendship never happened. I feel some things its best you keep for yourself and does a guy give the ok to show his…to strangers? If he says baby show those girls out there my stuff…then ok..I guess :/

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She then says my name and says you know all races are the same? There is no different in us.

I agree were all humans, we all bleed, but all of us have something in each race thats popular in that culture, and we have different cultures.

Yes we went from I want to be white…to were all the same…if were all the same how is it possible I want to be white if were the same anyway?

It took me so much strength not to have hung up yet. I said ok well how about corn bread, collard greens, …you know soul food?

She said see your wrong. She said its a southern thing and whites eat that way too! I said I will give her that fried foods are a southern thing. So I said Asians and blacks have the same culture practice? Even those born in America? I asked her have she celebrated Chinese new year? And we all as in all races share each others culture from fashion, fun, ect. BUT it has a back round coming from another race. All races of the world didn’t come together to create surfing or ball room dancing,fire crackers,hair styles,salsa,ect.

Every race from black,white,Asian, Latin, and who ever I missed have added wonderful foods, practices, inventions, ect. I told her its wonderful different cultures exist.

She then says…well you have a point.

Smacks and pasta in my hands ready for a binge of a life time to end my fast. I was too upset to cope. She asked this randomly and had no real answer.

I asked her again when did I ever say I want to be white?

She said well maybe I’m wrong. You just have standards and I know once you lose weight you will dress up a lot.

Your just booshie.

I was quite and asked what does that mean?

She gave me the meaning (I know many may know what it means, but I didn’t)

I hung up since it was late.

Went home at 313 pounds…and ate…..ate…ate the whole huge box of smacks, and four bowls of pasta.

Nothing wrong with being white, black, Latin,Asian…nothing.

 

I almost lost my apartment last year and it was a white girl and her friends who started a small fund raiser to help raise 400 and something dollars to save my apartment. It was another friend who was white who help me get my first job in this state and welcomed me to her family. And not only she welcomed me she helped my mom when she became disabled. My black friends…well they ask me for help when I had no job, I try to offer good advice like maybe getting with someone who just left jail maybe not a great idea, and I like them too and it breaks my heart when I say I can’t help them (they have kids who have kids, no male around, so its harder).

I have two black girlfriends who are like minded aka have kids after you say I do. Not before hand and they both have goals of success,but the others I know…I still like them. Life choices can ruin you and I made mistakes too (what human doesn’t), but if your a decent person thats all that matters.

By saying I want to be white is saying I hate that I’m black yet I felt by defending myself in a twisted way is saying its bad being white.

I have both black and white friends. And I’m not a racist. I’m just not politically correct.

I ate myself into a deep sleep. She called me, but we talked for ten min and since she came back we talked for hours through out the day….but after yesterday…ten min. She called and I ignored the call.

I don’t like being questioned like that without a reason. Now if I had randomly said hey I want to be white…then ok then ask me and judge me.

 

Here is a photo of Naomi Campbell

I don’t care how she ages, or people point out her flaws, to me she is beautiful.

Her body is awesome to me!

https://i1.wp.com/images.tvrage.com/news/naomi-campbell-to-headline-sky-living-s-supermodel-search-the-face.jpg

But I was born this shade, but a little lighter kinda pale. I thought all black babies were born pale, but later in life I saw some babies born dark skin, brown, ect:

https://i0.wp.com/s2.hubimg.com/u/7942445_f260.jpg

As time went on I become more brown naturally. So I was temp light skinned. I loved Campbell her flawless skin tone. So I went from being more light brown to the dark brown I am today. I stayed in the sun on purpose until I got sick and had pus bumps on my stomach,and head aches. I can’t handle the sun long or I get sick. Crazy part was when some people I knew back then they said I was trying to be white by getting darker in the sun….I didn’t know any other way to do so. I’m in the sun a lot these days due to the trying to get around a lot and its hot here.

During our debate of me wanting to be white. I asked her when have I ever said I wanted to be white??

She said well you never said so.

I got real mad words can’t explain. I told her you wanna see white? I know if I wear sun screen I would get lighter. Just like the black lady got me on because I wasn’t natural like her (hair wise) which made me wear blonde tips even MORE. It was a mistake when I got it, but the attention I got was mind blowing in a good way, but not the negative attention.

*Side note, all races should wear sun screen. I will someday soon anyway. The sun causes skin discoloration in blacks and can get skin cancer too. Sunscreen no matter the shade WEAR IT.

So I asked her you wanna see white? I asked her since I want to be white and earlier you said I only like rich black people (yea I went from not wanting to be black to liking black rich people) I asked her why I’m I even talking to her or even befriend her with open arms years ago? I said I better take the offer to be a roommate with a white person who had asked me, and only have white friends!!

I still can’t get over her words to me. It was random and I told her I never want to meet your family. If you say that I can only picture what they will say. God forbid if they catch me watching All in the family (I love some old shows lol), but ignore I love Good times just as much, or the Jefferson’s.  She said no, no, my mom isn’t like that…well I won’t visit another state only trying to get a plane ticket one way back!

I’m just shocked and hurt over it. I just wanna to be me and nobody else. I don’t want to live in a box that says because I’m black I must like this, do that,act that way, and dress this way.

The way some people talk you would only think blacks and whites exist on Earth.

 

Intro: Water fast day ONE- Yes I will complete this one. 325 pounds.

June 8, 2014

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FASTING RULE NUMBER 1:

Never do a fast under stress.

I SAY: Unless your retired and live in the mountains stress happens. Stress happens to me a lot. Like maybe losing my place next month if not hired fast enough (applied to 10 jobs today), or when employed dealing with residents or/and managers, or not being able to afford something I really wanted….the list goes on and many others have stress out there too. Its a true gift to have a non stressful life. Some people stress over good things such as what to wear on a date, their first house, child, throwing the perfect party. If many go based on not having stress than many can never fast in their lives.

 

FASTING RULE NUMBER 2:

Try to relax and stay away from hard exercises.

I SAY: If you have a demanding job psychically…what else can you do? You would of failed a fast at a office desk job just as much. Its harder, but possible. Any diet or fast is all mental. Anything you do which is good or bad starts in the mind. If someone turns you on it all starts in the mind, if you want to steal it all  started in the mind….just like me going out in the dead of the night thanks to chocolate mental images of candy. The advice given about fasting seems it is geared to people who can take it easy. Plus when I fast I’m sorry I will do some sort of exercise to increase the weight loss.

FASTING RULE NUMBER 3:

Prepare for a water fast by eating fruits and veggies and maybe some light soups.

I SAY: For me I have to go cold turkey. The idea of sipping or soups and eating clean….rubs my food addiction the wrong way. Any diet I been on feels like a self tease of what I really want. It would be grand to start off the right track and of my budget of zero income…..water is pretty cheap. I have distilled water in a gallon, but if I have to there is a sink…I mean my cats are healthy and then been drinking sink water for over a year now. Honestly even if I had 5000 dollars I rather go cold turkey. I have tried clean eating first only to have a burger and some type of pie or cake after.

 

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WHAT REALLY SPEEDS UP WATER FASTING RESULTS

1) A low salt diet helps with rapid weight loss. If you eat a low sodium diet  your body doesn’t hold on to water. By water fasting and sipping/drinking water and low salt aka only water SOME of the weight loss is water weight. Not all, but a few pounds is water weight.

2) If you don’t eat your body has to use whats inside of you for fuel. Thats why many suffer low energy some days when water fasting. No carbs, sugar, ect. to give you a boost. Only bacteria, fat, and what not.

3) Lack of calories.

 

WHAT I WILL TELL MYSELF TO COPE:

1) I’m not going to die.

2) Grocery stores, fast foods, restaurants will not go out of business as soon as I go on a water fast.

3) Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, and many more who are very well off even have to suffer diets, exercise plans just to look average or really good. Takes suffering (yes for me just not touching food alone). Even the ones who claim not to do anything to seem they were genetically lucky have to work hard too.

4) Life sucks, but eating/binging won’t cure it…..makes it worse.

5) If I feel odd, mentally weak, or a sudden empty tummy feelings….have to remind myself that I ate that before, and if it’s different in culture of food….its really not that different. Meat, sweet, wheat,…I mean all foods are related just made a little different or use of meat that may not be common to you. Nothings truly new.

6) Romance vs food, wedding vs food, a actual relationship vs food, cute clothes vs food……

https://i1.wp.com/image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/386875/99085112/stock-vector-elegant-woman-in-floral-dress-before-and-after-weight-loss-for-your-design-99085112.jpg

 

WATER FASTING TIPS (At least for me…remember don’t copy me I’m desperate)

1) Going back to my nightly roots…..fetal position..and comfort myself and try my hardest to shift my thoughts to endless date nights, and single digit clothing tag shopping sprees instead of all things soft and sweet.

2) A shower…a shower makes me feel like I’m restarting and cleansing myself of worries, sadness, and just in general just starting over. Kinda like starting a whole new day.

3) Self massage of the stomach. With slight pressure on my stomach (for obvious reasons).

4) For me forcing myself to drink water increases my desire for food…so drink water when I feel like it. No gum, no diet soda….this is a pure water fast.

5) Rest when possible if needed.

6) When I was losing weight, sometimes brushing my teeth helped…sometimes. I mean a fresh minty mouth biting into something wonderful sometimes happened too.

7) Sounds crazy, but I recall placing a ice pack or a zip lock full of ice on my stomach. Oddly this worked sometimes in the past.

8) This works so well I don’t do it because I want to eat. Any food you really…really want picture it, and imagine it full of pinkish/brownish worms all oozing out of it, and dipping back in.

 

https://i2.wp.com/i.istockimg.com/file_thumbview_approve/18362123/2/stock-illustration-18362123-junk-food-thinking.jpg

 

WHAT I ATE YESTERDAY:

*Not all at one time, just through out the day.

1) Two boxes of uncooked great valued brand of shells (enriched macaroni) of course cooked. Each box has 8 servings, 200 calories per serving, serving size 3/4 (laughable yes).

2) Three jars of great value (yes on a serious budget, cheap and creamy goodness), classic Alfredo.  7 servings per jar, 45 calories per serving, serving size 1/4.

3) One reeses peanut buttercup (two cups per package) calories I think are 200.

4) From the frozen section one Boston Market meal (country fried beef steak)  520 calories.

5) One Sara lee cherry flavored cheesecake. Yes ate the whole thing in one sitting. Serving size 1/4, 4 servings per pie, 340 calories per slice…again I ate the whole med. size pie.

How many calories? I don’t feel like counting and I know its a lot. And deep down I don’t want to know my damage.

 

https://i1.wp.com/thumb9.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/549697/113268922/stock-photo-raster-version-weights-and-tape-measure-illustration-on-white-background-113268922.jpg

MEASUREMENTS

Around waist/stomach: 57 inches

Upper Left arm: 21 in, upper Right arm: 20 in

Right thigh 35 1/2 , Left thigh:35 1/2

Right calf: 21 in, left calf 20 in

Bum: 54 in

 

 

PHOTOS:

Photos taken sometime yesterday.

ImageImageImageImage

 

Because I’m concerned about job hunting I found myself eating…more..more..and more. I know people judge others based on weight no matter how covered up and well dressed you are. By binging on cheap foods I’m doing more harm then good.  The length of the fast is unknown to me. Just going to take it one day at a time. After I’m done I will print only this page and the rest of the fasting pages. I will force myself and take my own advice on these pages. I know I can do this. Its 6/8/14 and the time 5:20am now.

 

RANDOM:

Its based on my opinion on what I hope my body mimics in the future….its never too late. If I was 50 I still would be aiming for the slender marry me next week, I’m sexy cute look.

http://aloftyexistence.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/liya-kebede1.jpghttps://i2.wp.com/i1.ytimg.com/vi/qpVklenNPD8/0.jpghttp://pslovecharli.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/prada3.jpg

I love the whole Nicki Minji curvy body type…..just I love the slender body even more. The slender body can go anywhere….not just a rap video. A slender body can travel, and even if someone says you need to eat….in their mind you should, but global you win!

 

I’m black. It helps. I mean people assume that I’m black that I have a church I call home and want to either be fat and proud or desire to lose weight for a curvy build. Sometimes I still joke how I want a thick body, but want to lose weight and I mention curvy girls that most non black women on average don’t want as a body goal. And they believe me besides getting its a joke. Kim K is popular with many, but not me. I feel shes a little too big goal wise. And nothing wrong with their sizes (plus size women) just slender women regardless of race/age seem so elegant if they want to. Plus size women can too, but I feel we have to try harder to find the right clothes to pull it off. A slim woman can have a ugly butter face, but men focus on the neck down. Yet will look her in the face and say how beautiful she is. Thinness is very powerful.

Do you know how I felt being rung up by a cashier in her 50’s, greying hair with blonde, slight bent back, slim like maybe a size 6, with missing teeth tells me she is only working for fun. Her guy doesn’t want her to, but open minded enough for her to. He loves her and works all the time and to kill boredom she decided to work part time….and me single with all my teeth so far, just unfair and the only love I get are my cats:(

The real killer is hearing recently about a size 0 BLACK girl having some 50 something year old guy taking her out to dinner, buying gifts, and wants to take things serious (she said no over and over) that could lead to marriage. I’m not big on dating too young or too older then me, but when a older guy does see me he thinks of sex and good bye. Size zero girl is treated like a princess. I get treated like a street walker.

 

Day one….day one….I can do this….

 

 

 

Pt2 of being black with added hair and ignoring those…, weight loss, and envy.

April 21, 2013

I was thinking to myself how fast people are to judge Arab women and how they can’t feel free to be who they want to be as a woman. YET in my own culture I discover Im not free to do as I please and do what I want with my own body. This dash of blonde has really opened my eyes how serious it can be when it comes to hair within my culture. Its just hair….its just hair fake or not its only hair. Whar if I placed fake armpit hair under my arms? People would think Im crazy, and laugh, but on my head and look good with it. It doesn’t sit well with others.

About four days ago the latino guy with the med size beer gut who came up to me to tell me my hair is tilted. Thinking I would freak out and readjust my hair right in front of him…I never forgot his large grin, thinking he just made the best joke ever. News flash I am wearing what we call sew in! I was shocked here I am only saying good morning in such a cheerful voice, just passing by to complete my work 9am in the morning. And the only thing that can cross your mind is to try to put me down? I been there for a year now and never have I said anything rude to him ever. So when he returned to work he tried to make eye contact, and sing a little all in hopes I say something. I kept on moving ahead treated him like most treated my 300 pound self back in the day invisible.

So for some days he got to see me pass by and not a word between us.

Yesterday the black lady in her late 50’s a woman who I never want to grow up to be like (aka the independent black woman, pro church and lord, boring,and who needs a man?)

She sees me with a co-worker who I was asking a work related question. (Im guessing she felt safe since I was around another employee, not knowing this employee knows what she said to me!

So here she comes in her sometime greeting: HEY HEY HEEEEY!

My first thought was ok so fat Albert still has fans.

She came up close and started to say : I just wanted to tell you yesterday…

I told her NO! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY HAIR TODAY!

I made sure my voice a rare firm, and its more rare I sound this serious.

She then said well I just wanted to…I turned my back to her and continued with my coworker on how to hang such and such item the correct way.

She then said I just wanted to say your hair is brushed out and it looked nice, she then walked away.

Lies I thought. She knew I was mad at her. I still own the nice girl title, but she pushed it to another level. I had to pay for the hair, pay for it to be placed in (which is way cheaper then caring for my natural hair daily and since wearing sew ins….my hair is slightly pass my neck now! Most so called natural folks don’t have the length I have! fake hair protects my real hair)

Natural to me is washing your hair ONLY with water and air drying inside or outside with sun. No other form of chemicals such as grease, shampoos, hair dye, curly creams ect.

Me and her were never friends. I was just friendly like I am with most. I may have thought wow shes pretty ugly compared to others her age, or wow she is very boring, but did I tell her my opinions of how I feel about her looks or what not? No!

Just think if I by mistake bought all yellow hair, I can hear it now Im trying to deny the fact Im a black woman and trying to be a pokemon.

When I get pedicures and ask for purple polish Im not denying my true toe color either.

Other non black cultures don’t know how good they have it….total freedom to try new things, without someone lurking from around the corner to make them feel bad and make it a racial issue.

So Im done with her and him!

Not all blacks are the same and some blacks seem to struggle with this too. Just like I don’t aim for a large butt and just because you pray for one doesn’t mean I should feel your more right then me.

—————————————————————————————————-

A co-worker…..a THIN co-worker

Im still fat, but a huge difference in treatment compared to then in the past of course.

But still compared to others who I envy or desire to have the same body weight. I am fat.

a co-worker a size 6 black girl, wears dreadlocks, has tom *boy* ways in behavior at times, still wins.

Yesterday….in the hall after a meeting. Two guys who look too cute to be true who are co-workers as well and my type of guys both were joking and teasing her in a friendly way. Both around her small frame. I was looking…I admit with this can’t be happening look! My only comfort was to know shes the average black girl, loves black guys only, must have swag, even though she complains she may as well be a lesbian since the black dude she did like only shows interest in lighter girls (I told her what a great idea! I made sure to sound as sincere as possible being the nice girl I can copy my natural behavior when I really don’t mean it I mean if she goes as a lesbian those guys will no longer focus on her)

She looked at me…I looked at her….time froze.

She smiled at me…she knows I would love the attention of those two! Not the guy who off and on try to catch a glimpse of my rear 😦

It was a unspoken word. I brushed it off and said wow you guys are pretty close you three. We were then passing the candy machine my knees got weak. I wanted to binge, but the desire to be smaller then her and to let her know she can not win over ruled so I ate 300 calories and from 6pm to 12am (no lie) in a fetus position curled up saying I don’t need any food, Im ok…I can do this…woke up four pounds smaller. My mind replayed her smile, the guys eyes who twinkled at the sight of her. One earlier ask me where was she and went on to say her face…she always gives off when shes hiding from work and laughed about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her face is the same, nothing special. Its the same! She smiles, she makes the oh Im tired look, or null look thats it!

I know she knows what I like….and I know what she likes.

These same guys she finds annoying. These same guys are not chasing down the cuter fat girls of their group.

I have a lot of weight to loss still.

But I refuse to lose to her. Her smile and her knowing did it.

 

I still struggle with food a lot of times. Telling myself no…no…no loud enough where just my ears can hear it.

Looking at size 4 clothes and the no man return size 00 and zero.

I have to be skinny for a future relationship that I WANT.

Better clothes and that runway look.

I have to….

 

 

 

So you have super long hair, and in a nutshell tanned/bronzed skin…also racial stuff not for every one

January 23, 2013

Im still alive, I went up to 270 😦 Just eat ,eat, eat…..I feel ruined, but tonight been throwing away high sugar foods, forgotten outdated stuff. My ice box now is filled with bags of salad, pre made baked chiken, some atkin shakes, water, and other low carb items such as sugar free ketup,steamed veggies.

I believe before my trip of Feb. 17 I can at least be 220-230. I never weighed that amount in many years and I hope Im seat friendly for who ever is stuck next to me ….hours later.

At 200 with the height of 5’10 I will appear normal. Not fat/thick/chubby/, nor will I appear ultra thin, and hollywood ready. Just average.

The bigger I get the worse attention I get. Like mentioned before just because I’m black doesn’t mean I will date black with gold teeth, and crazy slang with no future. I had three on my tail all day and I had my life flash before me with their kids, another single black woman caring for them alone, and on welfare for life, as he creates more kids else where. I won’t let that be my future and if being a size 2 with zero butt is what it takes I’m willing! I would be awful as a single parent, stress would climb so high, and the food binges to a 500 pound woman, and trying to raise the self worth of kids living in a non safe area, and I have no kids and school is already hard as it is. Just think if I had a child no husband no support…I can forget a education for sure. Just high priced day cares and two-three jobs until they reach 18. From past friends, people I know, family, strangers both black and white women…..when dating and being with black guys…honestly you have to be careful if you want children and believe you will require support from your partner. All races of guys can be awful….but…percentage wise…..

I need 8 more sticks to go before taking the test and getting my phelbotmy license! I still need to learn how to get blood each time. So far just the correct way…but no blood. No blood no job in it.

So a good friend of mines on the large side of things with amazing features, long hair, dress to the 9’s, tanned, kept repeating to me how she has long hair, over…and over…and over, and how she had these great shoes, yet was turned down for a girl with very..very short hair…kinda like susan powters aka fitness lady, but she was average in looks, but just very thin. I said…ok….right shes thin. Didin’t matter if she had no chest, and the face of a stray cat she wins!
I never understood her or others who feel just because they are a great daughter, faithful to God, educated they get turned down by a practicing witch with a size 4 body.

No race is ugly over the other. What makes one race highly praised then the others is if shes slim or not.
Then comes in popular behaviors.
Like my asian friend she has a dirty mouth aka cursing, size zero, but shes thin aka highly viewed, and plus the women have made it out they are mainly good and well behaved, so a few bad asian women or very American won’t ruin the whole lot.
Now for my race they have them fighting, cursing, random acts of dumbness, I was scared as I watched a group of black ladies at it fighting like animals on tv I had to beg for someone I know to turn her channel she refused as she rooted them on! So black women have a huge bad rep. and a few good won’t change that.
Being thin is seen as womanly, but I noticed my race of women tend to want the bodies of the two popular tennis playing sisters. They are great at their sport, but years later I still don’t understand why anyone besides male want the body of a female body builder?

Im going on and on, but I will have my womanly body. I want to be so thin I cause envy and concern!

Work and how my culture will have you believe your just ten pounds away from anorexia

October 17, 2012

Today I woke up at 4am to get to work by 5am. What a day and got off at 1:30pm…got a extra 30 minutes so much work and more to do! No one is happy anywhere in the whole store because we all are very busy and no one can help the other (thanks to the coming holidays) They hired a few temps that will be coming soon to help us thank goodness!

My former ride called out yesterday even though we had two days off after that whole thing between us she needed another day to herself….so did I, but bills keep coming they never stop. You can stop, but they don’t. Its going to take time too for others they are use to seeing her near me (she always came to me) they were like wheres your partner aka my former ride. I say I don’t know! Well she was off and even busy herself today, but its best we don’t see each other for a moment. I have not seen her face once in four days counting the two days off. Plus shes calm and more watchful of how she act and what she say to others these days….no one is complaining about her anymore.

My culture will have you feel other races are crazy about the slim body and will say things that they have a boyish figure,or real women have curves*rolls?…fat women can have boyish figures too. Depends on shape. I got my hair done by a friend/not a friend (what do you call these types?)

Anyway she looked at my body saw how my jeans were kinda baggy and saw how my thighs are not that big (they really are just the jeans did me a favor)

She said if I lost just 30 pounds …….

Ok Im morbidly obese and yes im tall so I don’t appear as bad as someone shorter my weight as they seem to say and view it. I get it. But if I breath like Im about to die after three flights of stairs…not the cute heavy breathing, but the breathing of someone who needs a oxygen mask, my arms are huge, rolls on the side of me, gut hanging, and can’t walk fast like a normal person I know I don’t need just to lose 30…..then guess what?

I ate like I could afford the calories!!! I believed her and said yea your right!!

For a day I see why some if not most really feel they are just thick(thick a term created by my culture), or just need to lose 50 when they really need to lose 200 pounds…I now get it. Its others words of brainwashing that make a person feel that way. No not everyone has to be a size 2 to be healthy or a size 6 or 8, but media has us believe healthy is a model look when really healthy does come in all forms of sizes….just not in the obese or morbidly obese range.

Her words made me feel good…real good…but those words were also part of why I never noticed my weight increase in such a bad light until later on. The guys will say im thick too, not fat. Well I know Im at goal when I get better guys after me…not in looks, but have goals and have a future, and would make a great father someday.

I ate pizza two days ago like Im a size zero who is rebellious for the day.

Times are slowly changing, but its amazing how we live in a country that shows thin women or fit/slim women on maagzines, but were thinking of keeping a butt and fear losing too much weight will make us lose it? The butt to me is over rated. I care more about my chest area.

I now understand and have to be careful and ignore the your just thick, or just lose 20-30 pounds talk or your not that fat Im even told this by those 3-6 sizes smaller then me :/

There was this biracial girl who got in a debate with me years ago online. I knew her dad was black based on this……I felt since I see it daily that black men date white women at their largest. In Target (a retail store) one in her wheelchair (due to her size), had to breath with each word stopped me to show me pictures of her black boyfriend she been with for four years and how he drinks and doesn’t do this or that…..but all I noticed was her size sad I know. I have a habit that if you have a guy I wish I had I will guess your size in hopes of being that size. If your fat really large and complaining about your guy…I mean what do you expect? Being fat is seen in a way that you should take a guy no one would really want. I get that too. Guys who would never ask me out if thin ask me now because they are losers and feel at my size I shouldn’t want a decent guy.

Anyway my race of men will go for the small and fat, but are known here to be with super morbidly obese women she can be white, black, latino. I said this and the biracial girl got really mad and saying thats not true. Even tried to prove it by sending me a pic of her mom …..well her mom was huge really huge and another 100 pounds would make the poor woman bed bound. I told her that her mom is on the plus size…..I got tired of debating and just ignore the emails its like me fusing with you that Im really skinny and that its you who can’t see that.

I watch, my life is in the back seat due to my weight. No fun, no dates because I refuse to date anything with two legs. I see the women who are fat having to support the men, then at work seeing the thin wives and girlfriends having their men hold their hand treating her to 80 dollar pair ..A PAIR of panties and 100 dollar bra ect.

Then a fat manager at work I over heard her crying saying how she been single for years, and how no men want her…aka like me refusing to take any guy with two legs because your fat. Shes pretty she has these sea bright blue eyes (not all blues are the same) and the sweetest person you have ever met, and a hard worker at that. I just hope she someday loses weight I understand her were getting older and still single? Thats a sad life.

Today I ate 1200 calories one soda and three donuts in one sitting. The carrot idea works….I did it yesterday, but once you eat a whole bag of carrrots……???Guess I need a bigger bag…how sad. I did enjoy chewing something at least even if its a veggie!

Not long ago I saw a girl who looked 400 pounds barly able to walk. In the mall at the food court for a bite to eat, and then aimmed to walk a little more…..I was proud of her. This stranger must of gotten advice….or maybe her own thoughts that I need to go out even if its to the mall. Staying in the house is a huge no no for us. The longer we stay inside the more likely you will hear of some 1000 pound man or woman. Its not rare or hard to be 1000 pounds,or even 500 pounds when you have a disorder. No one is going to call the news station and say hey I weigh a half a ton come flim me! It happens when life is at risk, and doors have to be broken down to get you out. Like in the news a morbidly obese girl died in the house of fire because she couldn’t fit out the window, but the others were able to and did live. They say she enjoyed church…………others were angry and asking why didn’t the church help her? Church like I been saying since I was young…church is he the solve all.

I better head to bed.

Another work day, and later that day no guy to meet up with to go out with ect.

Im so marriage minded it kills me! I want kids badly oddly it hit me at 25.

But I refuse to bring kids in this world for my own selfish reasons and I don’t want others tax dollars to support my child. If Romney wins lol I joke we will see less out of wedlock kids in America. Too many fall back in goverment help and I know if Romney wins he is taking that all away!! I don’t think it should be taken away….just new rules such as we will help you with the first child, but child number 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10…yes really ten she was in the wlfare office seeking help. I had my hours cut at one time and was seeing if I could get a temp food card students get sometimes, but nope so I went to the pantry about three different times. Back on topic after child number 2 they shouldn’t reward people who pop babies for fun who then grow up in hopeless enviroments and the cycle continues.

I better go to bed now!!!!

Interesting fact: At 300 pounds in high school my mom got a call from my school that Im anorexic. Funny, but its a fact obese or overweight people can be anorexic in the future not all, but it happens. My mom couldn’t believe it and said they need to watch me eat at home! In middle school I was picked on alot for stupid things such as I don’t act black, Im rich (even though they wore name brands I never did nor care to), and really I didn’t understand what whats up met until later on and that made them pick fights with me for no reason also I was shy and kept to myself….so once in highschool I had panic attacks when I go to school and saw people my age…so for lunch I just didn’t eat until I got home…meaning they thought I was anorexic! I will admit the title made me feel special and will flattering as well.

The cons of being black and fat

September 10, 2012

1) When you go into a acting agency and ask what roles you think you can land…your told the pine-sol lady. Before she existed what were you given then as a possible role?

2) To be nice people will tell someone they look like so and so celebrity, why is it since I was 17 here and there been told I look like Oprah? Yes Hollywood doesn’t have many blacks on purpose, but keep such a comment to yourself and just say wow you look nice today.

3) This goes for both white and black women when I bring up weight loss please don’t tell me about Queen latifah,Jill scott, or Monique and how rich they are and blah blah blah…um to the white ladies how about you stick these ladies on your wall next to the scale and let them be your aim(like I thought), and for the black ladies just HUSH.

4) Just because im black and fat doesn’t mean I go to church, speak in tongues and blow on the mic for Jesus…um don’t go to church at all :/

5) Just being black in general everyone will think your christian and have a church, im proud of other blacks looking into other religions and discovering more instead of living in a box. Me I do believe in God, but religion is not my life like others,it use to be, but seen too many things to continue that.

6) Im not down with being called out at and being told as if your saying im sexy that you love fat ass women and big woman is that how you asked a plus size white, asian, or latin woman…the chances are nope just the fat black ones.

7) Stop thinking that were all loud, careless ect. yes thanks to black men wearing drag in the media acting a fool as if this is black woman behavior and yes some black woman are that way, but so are other races too! I get tired of being told im different um no just being me. Even on craiglist I noticed many men of all races are willing to give a chubby white or Latin woman a chance kinda, but zero chance for black women. we get equal chance if its just for sexual reasons only if were fat. Oddly if thin were worth the time not many black men are in drag as thin black women on screen acting a fool, loud ect.

8) Just because im fat don’t mean I will take you as you are, if your super old, or want to live off me its not happening. Single for 25 years and if it leads to another 25 I rather that be more saddened your in my life.

9) Just because im a fat black woman doesn’t mean that by you saying this why the brothas date big beautiful white woman because they take care of there men money wise, shelter, and uplift him….um good for you and them just because im black and your black were met to be and I better hurry and get you before you get a white woman instead :/ How about this give me 100 dollars and I will help you search for one? Really! And again just because im fat doesn’t mean im rich and have the means to support you. Im rich in size, but thats it.

10) No I don’t know how to dance like that….

11) No im not proud to be fat, phat, bbw, or so called thick and no never on purpose I got to this size.

12) Yes im desperate for love, but not desperate to have sex with you so you can say hey its true fat chicks do it better….another myth all fat women are loose, um no not really in my opinion and what I seen its really thin women they get the best guys daily after them so who can blame them sometimes? It upsets me when I hear guys say oh fat women are easy yea im so easy im a virgin! Is a fat woman singing this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izBbP2kro-c

13) That I have about 2-3 kids I been asked do I have kids by my own and other races, but never asked if im married…ever. I would never have kids in the environment im living more props to the other ladies of all races who do in my area with a man or not, but no never mines. My kids will be a apart of me I don’t want to raise any part of me alone and in the hood no thanks. So if anyone ask me from now on do I have kids im saying no im not married yet.

14) Don’t tell me how I have such a beautiful face (make up is a true blessing) and then you stop right there.

15) Don’t be a really good looking guy and know it and flirt with me making me all shy and stuff as a joke and leave…that hurts.

16) Don’t tell me about so and so who is fat and married to a successful man who cherish her and never lay a hand on her….why I never get to meet them? Sounds made up. 

17) Stop considering me a strong black woman in my mind I’m far from that and I make it known at my job im a lady don’t think I will allow you to have skinny women on the side saying oh how heavy, but your working me like a ox not going to happen.

18) No im not a fan of Beyonce, I was of Destiny’s child. And yes don’t expect me to have the ring tone if he likes he going to put a ring on it…ewww

19) Yes im a ditz and can’t help it, I mess up, do things that make others laugh, but never on purpose stop considering me slow because im black and its not black behavior to I guess act like a dumb blond, but another non-black girl who is just like me you don’t consider her slow its just white behavior and normal. As a fat black woman im suppose to be all serious and honey child.

20) The reason I don’t exercise is not because of my hair (Im not that crazy or care how others feel about it) its because I rather relax play sims 3 and dream of a better life someday

21) No I never watched basketball wives or house wives of Atlanta I over hear about it or so and so is saying im about to watch it,but it sounds like a hot mess.