Posts Tagged ‘obese’

Is it because I’m black and fat that……

May 12, 2015

I never forgot about four years ago having my first roommate a African guy.. a guy (big mistake, but you learn. He admitted to me that he thought I would be one of those very religious black girls who could also sing. Made me think recently of a old show where you stand in a room as strangers judge you based on your race,size, clothes,height,gender,ect. I’m curious how people really see me sometimes, but some don’t want to hurt feelings and become PC. Which is fine and expected, but if given permission I want the truth! Fat or thin I understand I can’t escape stereotypes that don’t apply to me.

If I had the body like the above would you think I was greatly deep in church and took over a solo and sing it up like ms. Franklin? To big mama, Norbit, and Madea,Nutty professor of black men cross dressing acting loud,ugly,praise the lord Jesus,asexual, of the ideal black woman many seem to enjoy seeing….those of us who are fat and black get these things tagged on us before anyone gets to know us/me. Even family guy show cases black women as fat and dumb in short mini clips.

Only recently are we seeing shows such as scandal with Kerry. A beautiful, successful black woman who is having a sinful affair with the president. I never saw one show, but Kerry is not fat and is in the media. Then how to get away with murder..saw a few shows and stopped. No offense 1 gay sex scene was ok, then 2….then 3, and Im thinking when will a black woman the main star of this show get to have some fun? So I stopped. She is a middle aged, average size black woman with a lot going on. She is not obese and thats all that matters. Then that Empire show. Never saw it due to hearing about the colorism in it. Cookie is not fat based on the ads. Its a start and a breath of fresh air away from the pine sol or bigger type ladies who make everyone around them appear better in looks.

I also feel when smaller you get a better choice of friends. All sizes get their fair share of bad friends, but I feel I attract the total opposite. Some things we all share such as a better life. I ignored one for a week hoping nicely she simply go away. I got text messages and I responded (I felt kinda bad) and back to knowing someone who says as a good word and is a woman too. Everyone knows I’m against such words. I was called a N…ga in the heat of her happiness as she saw me working with the computer saying in the nutshell that I’m smart….I’m thinking do we have to use the N word :/

I can’t wait to return to my state next year…and leave some behind making them fade away in a past memory. Sadly yes they want to move with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meaning pack up everything and join me in another state even though we won’t live together. I pictured my self all thin, in a two piece swim suit, playing and being all sexy like in the sand, my cute and very faithful yet hot husband comes near with our kids and this fantasy is ruined by girlfriends coming out of nowhere saying look at my n…ga!

Im slow….because I don’t like to react fast. When someone upsets me I don’t like to tell people off asap…I know what going on. My nice trait kicks in first and if it continues…days later and then it all builds up then I get angry which either have me calling 911 or reporting you to the manager. I don’ believe in fighting really and I was thought of as slow by the same two making plans to move to my state with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup lets follow the slow one to a whole new state, the one who didn’t have any kids out of wedlock without a ring or at least not with someone very broke…yup Im the slow one.

I also still attract white girls who want to be my friend…who are fat to super fat, very rare skinny. They call their men ni…gas (yes black men), who struggle and tell me all their woes of their men problems. From his drinking, to he don’t want to work, and how he does this and that, but hey he has a big D (even without warning still get shown the D from their phones or hinted about).

I’m like if I was a skinny black girl would I attract this? I mean like would I at least have a choice like thin girls get in the dating market? You know normal friends with cute flaws or oh no so and so over spent again, but at the end of the day things are cool?

My fantasy friends are any race, no N words, its ok if shes fat or thin,but just a decent person. No one is perfect and even I have flaws. It was so nice when I was doing great in the weight loss world….omg.

I started attracting girls who were normal. White girls who exercised and were concerned of their image to the plus size white girl who wanted to lose weight as she claims for her health yet randomly mentioned wanting a boyfriend. To the thin black girl who invited me to her outing with other co-workers, she had the cutest, edgy afro, dressed always edgy rock clothes and was pretty popular, to slowly getting more invites to places I never thought of. Then there was another black girl who was like a size 2 talked to me. My weight loss was opening doors people.

Now fat me just gets invited to fast foods, cheap restaurants on the rare, school tours as a support to who ever I’m going with…………zzzzzzz.

As of now weight loss is a every day battle. I’ve been doing good lately and sadly by now if I stayed on track I would of reached goal by now. Slowly its coming off, but I have to hurry time is ticking!


My sister’s boyfriend thinks my sister is fine being morbidly obese, and I’m losing weight and forcing myself to do mini work outs.

January 29, 2015

I grew up thinking me and my sisters would be different. That we wouldn’t fall for the same ol trap black women fall for time after time. Other races fall for this trap, but I think we win being the most. Black men don’t uplift black women as a majority, we grew up having no father or a father none us wanted around due to abusive behavior, plus in music I watched videos by white, latin and even Asian artists and they all promote their women vs ours not only promote other races of men’s women, but also biracials everything except your average black black girl/woman no matter how good she looks. My mom cooked, worked, clean, and raised us and was married. All the good she did do, he cheated and abused her. Over the years I hear from other abuse other black women been through and how it seems to be a unnatural worship for black men, but the favor was never returned. No matter how many blows, how much they struggled alone with kids, or how much prayer they did. They (mostly very very obese or over weight, a few slim) would not want a light skin black man oh no and the horror of a non black guy willing to adopt us. He had to be the darkest of the dark, they never gave up hope that I’m guessing the black knight in a purple robe would come rushing on a dark horse to come whisk them away into the sunset into a ideal family life.

These women got with black American men, Haitian men as long as he was black. When I look back I recall the eating…so much food. They ate and at times married and not single, but coped with food and was always in the church. And I won’t go into their backgrounds from rape, abandonment with their fathers….food…cope…cope…cope…church….food.  Then they grow up hoping for love and instead get the total opposite. And these same eating behaviors were passed down to the next generation who coped. Some were lucky to be active to combat any weight gain.

So I thought me and my sisters would be different.

The guy my sister’s dating is 27 years old and shes 22 years old yet…

1) Told her she was fine and why does she want to lose weight? When she suffers bone problems related to weight.

2) She pays his family money just to spend time at his mothers place.

3) Wash his clothes

4) When mad at her threatens to call the police

5) Tried to steal the family’s food to feed him (to impress him)

I can go on and on and it has been really hurting me. Here in this era we don’t have to take this. Getting with a black guy is ok as long as he treats you s a human with respect

One thing clearly sticks out is her weight. I remember during her smaller years well kinda small. She liked all races of men. Weight gain (which other races of men are not huge fans of) and now she is pro black guys no matter how shes treated. He has no goals , not even trying to express love, just nothing only that he exists and has a child on the side. Other terrible things too, but won’t mention here it tore me inside. My sister won’t listen to me.

Any guy no matter the race who is anti weight loss, anti you looking your best is someone you should run from!!!!

I don’t want to, but forced myself today. I did 100 sit ups and 100 squats. Its a small start, but since I’m losing weight..again I can do these. I can’t wait to live life to the fullest. To be thin, wear what I want, do anything without being out of breath, and be embraced in a society that shunned me due to my size.

Coffee’s a blessing, non black women and black men,my wish for black women.

January 17, 2015

I been drinking coffee daily which has been helping me walk normal. After doing a lot of google searching found out coffee is a pain reliever, so no more limping (if so I go to the break room for another cup of coffee). Also it cuts the food binges in half.

I want to bluntly say if it wasn’t for a high obesity rate or wealth I don’t believe non black women and black men would be at a all time high. Like the thin blue eyed and blonde haired girl in grade school. She had a crush on the blue eyed ,blonde hair guy who loved football. A couple of years later and extra weight and plenty of it. The cheerleader size body type was now plus size (to my pleasure since I gotten fat too) was now hugged up to a black guy with unkempt hair (not in a fro or anything), sagging pants ect. Or the white girl who only wants her race (and slim) said if he is black and rich she would date him, or the type that looks for black men who play sports $$$$ since its a joke that black men are easy to get. And almost daily in my area from Mexican women or white women in scooters/or barely walking and happen to be very large with black men. I have seen twice actual slim white women with black men. Like one of my favorite past co-workers she was looking sad, she was slim like a modal, a slight butter face, but a great personality, confessed shes the bread winner, has to pay for her husband’s and childs insurance. She couldn’t afford to buy cheap candy, had to be careful with spending, she loaned him her car…long story short she hinted to getting divorce. According to studies out of same race and mix race relationships ww and bm relationships have the highest divorce rate. My guess (not all, but a great amount compared to blacks) that white women tend to come from two parent homes, both parents are a success or father, the woman as the bread winner as the guy sits home is not the norm. White men even when they date out value their women (even if a few throw insults, its not the majority and wm will never degrade their women in music) If a white woman comes from a broken home she see’s other positive examples of a normal home setting within her own race. When they get in a relationship with black men (based on the ones who dated the men in my family and others outside my family) they find themselves doing it all. Now there are some black men because they love non black woman they will do more then they would have for a black woman.

Family friend is white, very sweet, heavy, but she only likes black men. So far she’s middle aged, stressed out and trying to kick out a black guy out her home, but afraid to hurt his feelings. He said all the right things how beautiful she is, ivory queen blah blah blah next min moved in and won’t do anything. The women in my family struggled with black men, taking them in with jail records or no record, cooked,clean,worked full time, kids, and at the end single and used with kids on the side. And no all the men were not thugs, many smart, business, sales, and so on. When other races took interest in them they shunned them since it as black men or nothing. Now some regret. Not saying all other races are perfect (there not), but the majority of them are not having kids and don’t want them or see them or support them.

With all the above I don’t understand some black women. Why many of us are loyal (like men of other races are towards women). My wish for black women is that more of us know that were not ugly, to reclaim our femininity (In certain unsafe areas I understand…), know that a man is a man and black men are not the only men to exist, to not support artists who may make a great hit, but their next song is uplifting all other women besides you.

Right now a white woman has been trying to befriend me. Invite me over….but I’m staying far faaaar away. I have white friends, but I don’t want to befriend this one who speaks only slang, trying to marry a black guy who won’t even buy his woman a cheap drink under a dollar from the vending machine. I’m not against these unions, just trying to remove everything negative out my life. I don’t want to be around that type environment. Black friend wise there either single with kids or no kids chasing down a man they know is cheating on them.

On a final note on such a topic there is positive black men.

One would be my great grandfather. When he died his daughter tried to jump in the grave as they lowered him. He was greatly loved, loved animals, hard worker, great provider in awful times in the South, built there home from ground up and in great shape decades later, and left his wife well off so she wouldn’t have to worry if anything happened to him. When he passed my great grandmother gave love another chance later in life to my step grandpa who gave my ex dead beat step dad with record a job (beg them to give him a chance), and also a wonderful husband. When he died it was a very sad day. Both were great black men, the first I never got to meet. Both didn’t have a skin tone complex with women, both worked hard to support their families, both enjoyed being involved with family.

Black guy wise I been offered to have their babies or free invitations to their cribs or their place. Which makes me feel terrible. I’m hoping with weight loss this decrease such events. So called friend who is pro black slipped up yesterday saying : Fuck this I need to date other races of men because (a friend of her’s who dates out) doesn’t go through what I do! She’s now with two black men because one doesn’t want marriage, the other she use to be with had a baby randomly who he refuse to support, and her brother has a baby with a white woman, but won’t help support his new born. So since one is cheating she’s in the I may as well cheat too mode. When in my opinion drop both and stay single until better comes. This was the same one who tried to pressure me to have sex with any black guy, who tried to get me on a date with a black drug dealer, or the black gay guy so he can say he slept with a woman…I told her if someone did that to you how would you feel?? She was silenced.

My wish is that more black women just find love, not skin a shared skin tone that you over look your happiness.

I bring this up because my sister is going through the same thing. Refuse to listen to family, and took out student loans to support a black guy and his child (yes side mama drama), is 6 years older, but said he won’t try to do better in life and can take him as is or leave, told her shes fine at her size….shes morbidly obese….he knows if she becomes thin…..

She cleans his clothes, about to buy a apartment for them both and can’t afford to feed herself, works full time and in school full time. He lives with his mother and now ready to move at her expense. After college his gift to her is three kids …how kind (shakes head)

I hope life gets better……………….

Sadly still drooling over men, people of my own age group helping me walk safely… even sadder

December 30, 2014

I promised myself 2015 I will have my first boyfriend and all the experiences that go with having a boyfriend…..

Just total bliss. And just think me…me with a actual ex boyfriend like other normal people…to have a actual ex instead of pretending to because I’m 27 years old and not willing to take any guy just to have one. A ex who at one point were both into each other and were a actual couple….did he cheat?? Did we just fall apart???? I can only dream as I enter into a new relationship. No longer forcing my cats to cuddle with me as they look at me with their glowing reflecting eyes meowing for me to let go, or begging them to sleep in bed instead of far away from me on the floor because they want a break from me, but a human who I want to be with. Then someday marriage…and KIDS.

At work this guy I’m guessing in is late 30’s came with his very obese brother to visit. I wondered if they had different mothers or fathers because I didn’t see any features that matched each other. I was speechless he was tall, swimmers build, dirty blonde hair and not a butter face. I wasn’t making any since trying to focus on him visiting his brothers friend.

And please don’t get me started on the list of other guys outside of work. All I want is one guy just one of those. Instead I have all the lil wayne wanna be’s and ones who want me to be their baby mama’s with zero support tracking me down. Highly depressing.

After work my ankle was killing me. Two people of my age range and race came out of no where. The girl grabbed my arm to help me walk over a hump (When I don’t take my pills and put on my pain creams I am a fall risk) she saw me and said she had to help me. Where the same age range and now I’m really being assisted like a frail elderly woman. I told her thank you.


I will have a boyfriend

I will have a boyfriend

I will have a boyfriend

I never had one to the point sometimes I feel….is it even possible? So many questions, but so little time.

Its best to be under weight then over weight.

I see all these thin girls living it up besides me.

15 pounds in 5 days

December 17, 2014


With a personal journal (note book or paper stapled together doesn’t matter)

Write why you want to be thin/thinner and how it can improve your life. Any thin woman so and so told you about who has a terrible life remember it was her choice. Thin women have choices vs fat women when it comes to men and better luck at landing jobs where they meet more guys who are interested in them. I can go on about the size 4 woman who is abused by her boyfriend, but unlike others I will tell you that a guy who has been her friend for years and desperate for her thinness…coughs I mean… love stuck by her until shes good and ready to leave her abuser as she seeks understanding about how she can’t leave him when she has a wonderful guy wanting her including strangers.


I never heard of any runway models having issues finding a date or husband. Thinness attracts the guy. Look at magazines geared to men the women on their covers are far from chubby. If men went for the second girl their would be a out rage of men demanding that they put women like her more vs the first pic with maybe fake boobs attached. Many runway girls range from 00,0,2,4,and 6 is pushing it for the fashion world yet none are online on forums saying how they believe their weight and size are keeping them from the men they want. Key word is the men they want. Unless your deathly thin not the wannabe ana thin your ok. People say you should eat more, or are you sick is only ways to guilt you into gaining again to make them feel better. If your with a guy who wants you to gain weight RUN, because many men exist who would like you as is. He could find a chubby girl anywhere in the world…always side eye a guy who passes a sea of chubby girls or bigger just for you to get bigger too :/


1) Buy a few bags of frozen section broccoli (98 cents each at walmart)

2) I use extra virgin olive oil, but never a serving the calories too high! I put maybe 2-4 drops in a empty pot. On low/med and since the veggies will start to melt the water with the tap of oil is enough to cook with.

3) I then add some garlic (due to benefits) and a little crushed red peppers (due to benefits) and a dash of turmeric (due to benefits) I have inflammation in my ankles due to bone spur, so these seasonings been helping me where yes I limp a little, but t least I no longer wake up having to crawl on the floor and…myself trying to get to the bathroom! Besides that these have weight loss benefits and a whole host of benefits with long term use. The red peppers alone has decreased my food intake naturally. Remember I use to eat a whole pie, or a large pizza hut pizza, ect. I think since really decreasing my intake on food….I had a dream I went to this Asian restaurant and oddly all the food looked grossed to me, but I couldn’t stop eating peanut butter cookies and ice cream. My co-worker came in and said shes not going to come tomorrow to try and get cookies and ice cream herself since I’m eating them all. I woke up craving these items, but thought of something else to get my mind off it.

4) Oddly this tastes good. Sometimes I add a cup of low sodium beef broth if I feel I need to feel a little more full. Even a few mushrooms are safe after cooking them of course. Rarely, but adding a half a cup of water to increase my chances of being full faster.

5) Eat this only through out the day with diet juice such as diet v8, diet green tea (Arizona brand is the best), gum is ok, and black coffee with cinnamon (due to weight loss benefits and halting urges to binge or eat in general for a hour or more)

6) If I’m in a rush I just use the microwave and simply heat up the broccoli, skip the oil drops, and add garlic ect.


1) Never rush yourself. If you only have a few minutes to eat take bite or two and return to it when you have time.

2) Slow bites, savor it even if its gross to you. The benefits out weigh the eww. Its full of flavor, so your not missing out, low calories so no guilt and no limit really on how much you eat of it. For me 1-2 bowls of it is enough and under 400 calories for sure.

3) Wait 1-3 minutes before the next bite…hard very hard.

4) Sip on diet juice or water during this.


1. Say to yourself you can do this.

2. Get a cup of black coffee with a dash of cinnamon (a little splenda doesn’t hurt)

3. Look at the time is it 9am or 1pm? Do you really want to throw in the towel now when you came so far in hours? Around the corner will be day 2

4.Take a nap if possible

5. Lay down and practice deep breathing, think of happy or sad thoughts. Any thought besides food. Massage your stomach and press it flat until you feel the urge is gone

6. What are you craving? Is it something sweet? Maybe crunchy and salty, is it fast food. On your phone or computer type in the food you desire….lets do a example.

Both items would of had your mouth watering if it wasn’t aged. Think of any food you want and picture it gross from worms in ice cream, roaches in pasta, ect.

Always try a new diet, so you won’t get bored. Like mono mangos sounds sooooo good right now.

Dropping out of college,Not talking to mom in almost three weeks,eating low calories and experiencing hunger daily,resident who is anti fat worker.

October 25, 2014

If I wasn’t trying so hard….

I would be eating oreos with colored filling (green,purple,orange whatever they have) with chocolate ice cream. Then taco bell with lots of sour cream then a wendy burger and mc donalds fries and end the night with cheesecake….sounds like a great fantasy.

Its a hard pill to swallow to kill of my dreams of a degree. The logical thing for me is to drop out. Its becoming too hard and very costly as well. School requires time and lots of it and money and plently of it. I’m in a community college, but still costly for me. I have no money saved meaning if I need a few days off it would cost me losing my place. Rent goes up, food costs go up, everything goes up except pay wage (unless your a ceo somewhere) everything seems the same. I’m not doing so well because of how demanding my job is, its a full time job of me me me type residents and again no 15 min breaks only a 30 min lunch break . Financial aide won’t pay for my class because I only took one class and they said I made a hint more last year (thanks to working overtime on 9 a hour) they won’t pay. I thought if they told me this first I would of never signed up. I even have a 400 plus pay day loan I got out just to pay for rent, buy a few food items, and public transportation (80 for the month). I was short due to calling out because I couldn’t walk over a ankle spur. Which it still takes time just to stand! Everything is a strict budget. I owe student loans,pay day loans, medical bills, it feels like I owe the world. I would of been somewhat ok if I had never went back to school. My school just sent me a e-mail saying I owe them 214.00 (the reminder of my class cost, I already gave them 200…two months ago). My life should be spent on losing weight and working and losing more weight in hopes of looking good to land a boyfriend and maybe not have so much pain on my ankle spur so I can work a second job.  I would of had money saved up if it wasn’t for my ankle spur and trying to get a education. I’m tired daily since my days are spent working full time and after work up till 4am studying and doing home work and barely getting a C so far….when really Bs and As are ideal to compete for nursing. I worked on my day off to make up for the day I missed going to the hospital. And I will have to start working on my days off just to make ends meet. Homeless and broke,but in school is not my cup of tea. Life happens is all I can say.

I met people in school who has a husband paying everything as they focus on their education. Or the two parent home where they buy their son/daughter paid up rent of their own apartment of their choice, a brand new looking used car as they have fun with friends and get a education. Me….no such luck and I know others like me exist. I never got a car, but my younger sister did from our great grandmother…long story short favorites exist within the family even though I’m the oldest. I try to visit my family once a year only to return worse off due to missed days at work. My with a PHD and another a college professor won’t help me, but one did pay my sisters cell phone bill for several months and gave my mom money.

Once three years ago when I landed a private duty job and working part time. I was doing okish on money. I only thought of my family. I sent my mom 50 dollars here and there out my extra income. Later on she admitted after I lost the private duty case and a few months later she said she didn’t want to tell me, but knew I would be upset. I would of gotten something too,but I was only one year older then the requirement. My mom finally won her disability which met all three of my other sisters got a large lump some of money. She won’t tell me the amount, but it sounded like a few several thousands. And instead of her saying I don’t need the money she accepted my money when I was thinking she was struggling real badly. Of course they spent it all. In the back of my mind I thought…wow and they didn’t even send me one cent? Just to help me??

And here I was trying to give what I could thinking of my mother in another state suffering.  My college career that goes on and off started when I was 19 I believe. I lived with family and worked. I had to pay my part of 200 a month to my grandmother in which we all lived with thanks to my ex step dad illegally robbing the whole house and my mom making the biggest mistake by selling it to him in the first place. I had to focus on my education, so I quit working to do just that. With aide paying I had left over money (not a lot! very little) for transportation to get to school by bus and train (both cost separately) Problem was I go to school……………..hungry. Yes we had food at home, but it was food you had to cook. Or sometimes we had food, but no food. Meaning we had this item and that item, but lack that item to create that dish. Other students could afford snacks on campus or pizza, but me…nothing. It was either eat and stay home or use the money towards getting to school. I finally went to the dean who granted me money to buy food and to get to school. I then began to pass classes. Math is my weakest subject…which took me out because I couldn’t pass. I then went back to work….and the work or school cycle continued. All this time for people like me should of been working….I would of had money saved up and be ok today vs broke with some classes under my belt.  Someday when I don’t have to work so much and so hard maybe I will return to school. Too much debt and money risk, no life just work and study and barely passing because sometimes you find yourself asleep in the books. I will work,but have some form of fun. Why wonder I’m still obese these days.

I haven’t talk to my mom for some time on purpose. She tried calling me for some days until I text her why I’m no longer talking. Besides being the black sheep of the family and not getting as much help like my sisters…it gets old.Somehow the convo went about me. Not sure if I said something or her. I told her about my ankle spur and how I lost two jobs over it…..if you can’t walk….sent home and was told once I got a doctor note I could work I could return. I had to get a student loan to survive until I could work properly and then used that time to job hunt online and offline. I went on and on and how I couldn’t walk…my mom laughed (she now claims it is all in my head and she didn’t) I told her ok then after I told you she doesn’t have to worry about me calling back…she continued laughing. I hung up and days went by turning into weeks now. We had a text argument some days ago when I reminded her (due to her calling) why were not speaking. She text me that if I lose weight and put the fork down I wouldn’t have a ankle spur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes its true, but still hurt. Yet my non fat grandmother got a spur and more compassion of course. Heel spurs, ankle spurs all spurs can happen to anyone.

Every day I’m hungry….every day. I ate 570 calories two days ago the next 280 and today was a high 800 calories. Last week same very low calories and tired…always tired. I go to work rubbing my stomach in comfort, leaned over the counter to get myself together. Went to my boss seeing if she had any snacks….the look on her face priceless. When hunger comes all self respect goes and yes I count the calories aka small snack size peanuts was 140 calories from boss. It breaks my heart to see only a pound lose that day or one pound point something. I expect that more near goal weight. I don’t eat until after sometime 2:30pm and I don’t eat after 8pm so far. Saw some co-workers laughing at me…..picture it morbidly obese person seeking snacks because she is oh so greedy. Thats what there thinking. If I was slim and hungry and you never see me eat and if you do its low calorie items or nothing at all….then people would raise a eye brow. A hungry,weak fat person is funny since its assumed I ate all day long before coming to work.

There was a very heavy set co-worker. Very heavy like myself. And like me she had bad luck…real bad luck. According to some studies her very long blonde hair should attracts guys. Instead due to her size life treats us harsher. A single parent off two living in a rough area and mugged on the way to work… when large is much worse at times. You must have a degree to save yourself! Or hope that job hires you and over looks your size. A resident banned her from his room because he claimed she smells like poop….even though really his roommate smelled badly….anyway he banned her claiming she smells. Next minute he banned me…and at first I was like heeeeey…..but then I was happy. I was told that I smelled (even though upper management knew I didn’t) and to stay out. I no longer had to do anything for them. I would proudly walk by the door when they placed their call light on. Funny part was it back fired since if I was the only one available they had to wait 30 to 40 minutes until another worker could come. I then over heard them complain about it, but nothing could be done. I only smiled inside and on the outside. Since dropping a chuck of weight,….all of a sudden he and his roommate want me to come back in their room. I was told I smell better even though still very obese and I still wash the same way. I said no and talk to my boss. They did and she rejected their request. You can’t ban someone and then want them back. They see I’m trying and doing better and now I’m welcomed back to do their bidding. Only skinny girls or average size were allowed not me.

Its been a battle, but back on track.

October 21, 2014

I been doing my best with all the stress thats been going on. I have to start all over re-losing the weight I had lose until I was laid off that time ago. My acne under control, my weight slowly going down (too slow for my taste) no longer 330 pounds, but as of today 299.4 pounds. Its been a moment and a serious struggle. Its 12:06am and I want to eat, chew, and swallow. My 3x size uniform clothes are starting to have some room, slowly guys are more friendlier…kinda if you ignore their sex want (never mention dinner and getting to know you…I’m not thin yet for those comments).

I never forgot the wise words of a pro ana online years ago. When fat guys want to have sex with you, when thin they want to protect you. I understand not all guys, but this the truth majority of the time.

1)I make sure when a skinny woman sees me about to board the bus/train…and thinks she can walk past me I speed it up and come right back in front (likely burns 10 calories just doing that)

2)When a guy opens the door for a thin woman I hurry as best as I can even limping (ankle spur) to go through that same opened door.

3) When someone thin says they need to lose weight…I agree. When they say do they look fat, I say a little. (Fishing for thin compliments from a obese person…not happening.

4) Same age range as me,both looked refreshed, both could use a 50 pound weight gain to make me feel better, and had came from having a good time, and maybe secret cousins of Barbie. Me tired, fat, long work shift on feet standing on a crowded train. Two guys got up for both of them, when I deserve a seat! It made me so upset I said loud enough to myself how I been on my feet all day and very tired! Barbie’s family and random two guys looked at  me as if I was crazy.

5) At work when a thin office worker tries to get me to do manly labor and even passing guys to get to me. I play stupid and somehow she ends up doing it. Thin women are strong if they want to be.

Life is unfair for those who are heavy. Have to try harder, work on having a personality,prove yourself that your a great worker when thin ones sit back,and lost opportunities.

Chocolate mono diet, cute Latin guy I can’t have, and still considered obese.

September 26, 2014

Tomorrow aka today (its 1:10am) I want to start a mono chocolate diet. Not into the healthy way at all. Maybe if I was 14 years old with time on my side, but at 27…um…no. Mono diets are healthy in a way your body has to process one type of food. I love chocolate,but also love pasta, sweet cereals, hamburgers….so this diet will be hard for me too. I may post progress pics after…maybe. I want to try to do this for 2-3 days…deep down I want ten days, but I fail a lot to even think of ten days.

I’m just going to buy one large regular (no almond candy bar and eat a piece here and there)

I got the mono chocolate idea from here:

I plan on following her guidelines. I may get dark chocolate for its benefits.

Going to take a break for the scale. I have been for a few days. I will just depend on my clothes temp. then go back to my scale obsession (more so after using the bathroom).


At my apt. we have a new security guard. Mexican, brown skin, and jet black hair, and average build. I learned my lesson about guys. If they appear too good to be true they don’t want a fat girl. I think I was 19 when a South African guy at work I had a crush on. He had short black curly hair and eyes large like a deer in head lights and unlike me he had brown freckles on his cheek (mines located on my tongue sad yes). I made it, so obvious I liked him…but noooooooooooooooooooooooo oh no he went after thin girls in two piece bikinis who giggled that he followed them leaving the work place onto the beach itself! I admit I was glad his thin two piece loving self had to return back to South Africa due to his visa being up. On his last day he simply told me bye and tried to exchange e-mails. I threw it away. I won’t be used to aide in your green card ONLY for me to be fat, dumped as he becomes  citizen for thin girls of America. Anyway I thought this new guard looks cute. Part of me wants grab onto his ankles and beg him to take me with him! Me a fat limping, ankle spur hurting, tired woman is not ideal right now. Some years ago a guy from Spain who was a manager told me nicely I continue to look at him….I told him thank you. And I continued to stare afar as he continued to stare at the very slim, blonde, tanned manager from the other department. I didn’t get him, and he didn’t have her (secretly happy at his outcome). Barbie then had quit her job for better pay and something about her adopting a daughter from Asia somewhere. He was left me with fantasizing. Likely sucked for him. Kinda like having  a bad a** rock band and all your fans are screaming fat girls.

So like all men that look good I will continue with eye candy and can only dream. All the small talk and at the end he tells me good night ma’am 😦   ma’am…..


Going to study myself to sleep.

Being the heaviest I have ever been in life….

June 6, 2014


Currently 26 of age. Single still and I admit never had a boyfriend before. I was never one of those girls that took what I could get. From a girl telling me I look good and I may get to be a baby mama (forget a relationship, let alone a possible marriage). To being between the ages of 19-21 with a cute guy with dirty sneakers offering me love if only he had sex with me right off the bat.

Not long ago I decided to throw in the towel, and embrace my fate as a living and breathing large size black woman. I feel no judgement to lose the weight really, but yet feel the discrimination everyday. From guys who pass me up, to having the experience for the job only to be passed up for someone more….acceptably slim. I looked online for pro fat groups. Men and women both proud of their guts and rolls and who gives a flying F of society. Stories and stories of how their treated by family, friends and strangers.

At 5’10 and 330 pounds a good friend of mines said I wasn’t that fat….I think its a culture thing and luckily not all of us think this way. Yet deep down I’m glad were a little more body friendly….as of now…kinda. I noticed blacks shifting as well and women my size in the future won’t get a slap on the wrist and can continue on our ways….but thats another topic.

It didn’t last long. Seeing white, latino, black, and few Asian girls on these pro fat sites and speaking out against how were treated….didn’t last long. It felt like these pro fat sites agreed with me that were not treated right, but instead they will embrace their size no matter what.

I went to whole foods …it was sunday and hey I love the fresh fruit samples and chips and dips. A habit I use to have when I was losing weight, more smaller and somehow started wearing sun glasses more with a feminine step to my walk. I decided to go back to feel…to remember…the ways of my thinner self (compared to now). At the end I would leave with a small bowl of watermelon or fresh squeezed orange juice before heading out.

In whole foods besides the cute men both customers and employees. I saw people ….slim thin women with their boyfriends and husbands..with kids 😦 and here I came like I was walking down some stairs looking for Rodger from the show whats happenin…

I felt older, pointless, lost of dreams and very alone. When I was losing weight. I didn’t care that someday I was going to be 30. Losing weight the world seemed to be open and free. Like so what I don’t have a college degree, no guy yet or even kids. It seemed everything was possible. Bad things could happen, but at least I would be thin, at least if single I could get a boyfriend within a matter of weeks (yes I knew two women who met a guy and married him within knowing him only in a month. One a zero the other a size 2)

The high retail store I use to work at….the boss that laid me off I found out a couple of months ago he was long gone as in fired. I had department managers saying they needed me, had proof…..I found out once laid off he replaced me with another stock girl. Someone told me he had favoritism with his own kind (Latino/Mexican) I refused to believe it. But why lay me off only to replace me with someone else? Even the other worker (who was latino) when she heard I was being let go she was angry. She said I was a great worker. He also had issues with women too. He talked down on women no matter the race. Even the new assistant Hr woman who was carrying her first child. Besides this he was eventually let go only because he got too comfortable. He was suppose to be at work, but would stay home for days. He got caught by corporate when they came to visit…he was no where to be seen. When I was there I would call him only to be told he left out 2-3 hours then when he was suppose to. I never said anything…I mean that was my boss I felt.I will admit I was a little shocked.

It hurts knowing I would of been almost a size 6 maybe by now, still working there and experiencing true love…coughs…coughs…based on my size first…coughs….and  who knows what else. Instead I’m fatter, more upset, and fear the future.

Visiting that whole foods…..I had to throw in my pro fat movement thoughts. I knew it wasn’t going to last long the more I saw thin women out and a bout enjoying their little skinny lives. Doesn’t matter the race of woman…all I saw was slow motion in whole foods. The larger woman I saw it seem time seemed to pick back up again.

My friend yesterday wants to go out for lunch later today (its 2:10am now) I told her Im going on a water fast. She laughed and I understand…I mean I been trying to fast since I was a teen. With rare success and plenty of failure. Its a low blow knowing that I am class 3 of the obese standard. It use to be class 2…then 1….those days long gone.



Since being really Obese:


1) I got a job 4 days ago. I lost the job after day one. It was working as a nurse assistant. Those who have done this work before understand its really the nurses slave. The lpn/lvns nurses sit and do hardly much. Your busy yet a resident needs help…they sit there letting you the nurse assistant do it all. Some are nice enough to get up and say hey as your wiping up poo that do you know so and so needs help? Very common practice in nursing homes. The job was 12 hours straight. I only got to sit down 20 min of it….because I was born with my ankles going slightly in ward (you couldn’t tell during my thin era as a child). The doctor told teenage me I would always have to wear support for the rest of my life, and ice my ankles/feet after standing on them too long. Well because the job required heavy lifting of residents who were total care, non stop poo cleaning action, getting them up because family wants to see them sit up during their short visit, and having to feed three people meaning after one ate (which took time) I had to feed another…then another,,,,,putting me the new girl with three feeders behind. Long story short I took the bus…limp on home the rest of the way. Laid down and never felt so happy to do so….woke up and because of the intense on your feet job and never allowed to be caught sitting during down time. My feet hurt, but my left ankle was weak…to the point I couldn’t stand at all. I had to crawl three times to the bathroom, using the little upper strength I have to host my self on the toilet…such a sad sight. I couldn’t cook or heat anything up because it requires standing. I crawled back to lay on my floor ( no bed anyway) and ate applesauce and fiber bars I was too lazy to put up thank God! The job said I can return after I get a doctors note proving I can work again. If I don’t….then fired pretty much.

2) During orientation I was hoping to get placed in independent or assistant living. Thanks to stereotypes that all fat/large women like myself are really body builders who can left anything and anyone…so thats how I got the skilled nursing side thats full of heavy elderly people who by the way are not fat just heavy. A family member expected big ol me to lift her 6 foot tall something 200 pound something husband into bed  when it said on his chart he is a two person. And when I got help he was still a struggle to lift into bed. A girl during orientation said I should be happy it won’t be hard for me since Im big..I cut her off and said I’m not that strong….she then tries to correct herself and says I mean your height!  Even the nurses would pull me from my work to help a nurse aide lift because well I’m super MAN of course. Had to correct them too and they would go oh no I met your height! Right…my height becomes many saving grace.

3) Being called ma’am  by younger and people of my same age group.

4) Walking from my apt, pass the train station, and all the way to my old job like I use to 5 days a week 5:30am in the morning…a 30 min walk. I was losing weight so good I would jog on and off. Me jogging….the thought….just amazing back then. Still big, but lost I believe 51 pounds off my frame helped a lot. Well a few months ago (3) I did my same path and complained to myself never again. It was HARD. I was breathing hard from such a long walk. I can’t believe I use to do this five days a week and then after being on my feet at work (30 min break and 15 min…at rare skipping all breaks) I would walk back…well going didn’t take me 30 min …almost 50 something. And going back home…rode the bus back. I couldn’t handle the torture anymore.

5) I limp more often then before.

6) I fear talking and walking due to the fact people can hear me breath hard.

7) My fat clothes and now my temp goal clothes. I now have a limited amount of clothes to wear due to my increase size…can’t even fi my old uniform….you can tell I loved that job.

8) My days seem to be going faster. I get up and it feels like night fall is right around the corner.

9) Feel aged

10) Went online so that if I do land a job and can’t walk due to extreme pain….at 26 was looking at fashionable canes 😦 and even life alert sounds like a good investment.

11) Rode the bus and sat next to a guy. The bus was small and crowded. So when a couple left leaving two free seats he got up and left me. I told him thank you (shrugs) he said nothing. I gotten so big my rolls were touching him.

12) I gotten so big bending over is risky. My pants start to go down showing my under wear. And it has shown often.

13) I did one on one care giving. A couple of months ago…didn’t end well, but anyway. She was 90 years old. Told me she doesn’t care if I get bigger and thats what she likes about me…..I was like wow ok. One day she said she loves when we go o the store together because I’m so big she feels safe no one will bother us….that crushed me. Ok yes I’m huge in weight, but I hate being judged. I mean if a guy/girl comes with a gun and wants your purse….I’m gone…I mean GONE. Or at least begging to spare MY life. Plus I’m not a fighter to be honest I know I will lose anyway. I will hobble off to a safe area and call 911 for you…but don’t expect due to my size I’m tough and scary:/  In my head me and Princess Peach have some things in common…we both want to be rescued for one.

14) Knees feel weaker

15) Takes extra effort to stand from floor (where I sleep) to standing position. Requires using my hand laying on a strong near by surface aka chair and slowly coming up.

I better stop here.


But once again I will try….to water fast. Its 3:01am now  scale reads….328.0


They want me to apply for a job in person….when I already did online. Not falling for this trick again. Recession hit fat people the hardest.

April 8, 2014

I applied online before. Resume looks so good, so perfection. I mean I’m giving advice to others on how to improve their resume, I’m also typing it out for people and doing fancy things with their computer to make their resume pop. I tell them their hidden experience they never thought of and guess what?!! I helped a friend and the next week she is hired. Me…unemployed now a month and some days. Does that make any sense?

I fell for it. The woman was in her 70’s and managed to stay very thin at her age. Like I mentioned in another post I applied online LIKE SHE SAID.  I was HONEST on my home made resume that I don’t have any dry cleaning experience. Just customer service, former caregiver, inventory, and what not. I made my resume reflect all my experience in a professional way.

I even know not to use words like team player and fast worker because those terms are so over used and played out. I use different words.

Long story short out of many applications she picked me. I thought ok a dry cleaner. How can I not get a job at the cleaners? My name means black, popular in a old school song and sadly many like to sing it to me. So she knows I’m black ahead of time, so no my name is not Augusta Marylynne from the deep South; and by showing up a black girl caused me to miss out. Nope.

I came in friendly, make up…check, decent clothes made for interviewing and she even said don’t worry about finishing it I got your application online….never heard from her again.


So once again I applied for over 30 something jobs. One e-mailed me back today. They SAID to apply online. I did. The e-mail to be a dispatcher meaning no customers would see me anyway. They want me to apply IN PERSON. Not a interview, but to apply in person when I already applied online.

I emailed them back saying I will be there tomorrow…NOT.

As I was combing through more countless job ads I saw a job ad saying no experience and will train. BUT PLEASE SUBMIT A PHOTO OF YOU SMILING. Ok so this dental office for front desk position….they don’t want to waste time hiring those who don’t look like societies ideal. In order to cover up and not be so blunt and risk of being aired on the news about their hiring practices. They ask for a photo of you smiling. God forbid you got in a car accident and lost most your teeth, or came from a abusive relationship where he punched you in the face and you lost some teeth (both true stories) guess they don’t deserve jobs due to the expensive price to fix or by fake teeth?

As if they can’t find anyone who can smile. Even the most unhappy person can force a smile.


True story.

When I lived in florida (my state, will never claim the yee haw state)

I was 18 or 19, fat then. Real  fat. I saw a craig list ad online for busser you know clean the tables.

I didn’t look like the ideal host to walk you to your seats, or the front desk of a hotel. Bus boy (as it was titled) seemed for me. As a fat girl it seems I’m not womanly or to be treated with respect. Guys would tell me of their dreams of their ideal girl as if I was one of the guys never a possible love interest.

I came in and was interviewed. I was kinda shy, but made sure to hide that (even to this day). She looked at me with my natural very short hair, obese smiling self. I was thinking to myself I hope I do well cleaning these tables. Then I didn’t have a lot of work experience just bagging and stock.

She said you know what how about you work as a cashier in the gift shop?

I was shocked and said SURE. I was then introduced to the gift shop manager a heavy set woman herself, but not as big and tall as me. I remember her looking at me………….and who else knows what she said on the side. My co-workers was a girl whose mom was from France who married a white American man. She was super slim with a hump back. My other coworker had a Jamaican dad and a black American mother and was fat himself (guys are treated different when fat, not as bad vs women).

I was then nicked named on the side as big girl by the black guy (I didn’t like it) and behind my back the white girl would say I didn’t clean the counters as well as her and the black guy….whatever.


As time went on I had customers say I’m funny, witty, interesting. It was crazy it was as if I knew what to say. Even the most hard to please customers left with a smile on my shift. I was myself. I was free to be me. I felt proud serving ice cream to thin joggers (they came in with hats with pony tail out at the ends). Customers told me they only came back was because of me! They never had excellent service that I had offered. I was great with both kids and adults. I had to deal with lines of people all by myself!!!

My other co-workers had their own shift to come in on. The gift shop manager was so impressed she demanded me to take her to my mom (who pick me up after work) I told her its ok. She said NO. She met my mother bragging how I’m the best worker she has ever had and how I’m the best ect.

I even increased SALES. People bought more thanks to me offering such and such items. I was the only worker to do this naturally.

We all were making 8 a hour plus tips. I made 8 a hour and made more tips then my co-workers. I leave with a hundred something. They at most 50 on a good day. I became popular with the kitchen staff and waiting staff (of course).

I then found out months later….

That the obvious that the same gift shop manager who sing me praises…..didn’t want me at first. And went to ask the lady who hired me and changed me from bus boy to gift shop girl and asked what was she thinking?!

The lady saw something in me, she over looked my weight/size and I became so good that the owners of the hotel had to meet me.

The gift shop manager I over heard her telling the lady who hired me…thank you. This was the best move you ever made.Not knowing I was around the corner leaving the bathroom. I waited until they departed to go back to my work station.

I forgot to mention there was another co-worker who was 16 or 17 at the time. Average size, but close to model weight. She was white, but was only two shades lighter then me, but I still considered her brown skin self white. You can be white and born brown thanks to pass genes coming back from other races with the gene pool (Native American, black,India ect).

I even out tipped her and the other slim co-worker. People over looked my size and lack of model body and loved my personality.

Because I was the best I was told that they are holding a award party just for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so good that they wanted to celebrate it. I was then told that in new ads that my face would be in the booklet and whatever ad they had I would be front and center. I didn’t know what to say. I was in disbelief. I got my hair done.

Well guess what?

They took it all back (except for giving me a award party) I worked so hard, best…yet due to my size they didn’t want me on their ads even though customers would see me! I was heart broken. The owner was over 6 feet, balding, and fat as hell, with secrets of a gay past even though married to a woman. Yet this giant blob who was bigger then me in height and size decides to take it back. I was hurt. Telling my family this amazing news only to get it stolen away given to the brown skinned white girl who laughed at the idea of great customer service, who didn’t make as much sales. Her work was average compared to mines yet was getting the best prize of being the face for the company.

Not long after that I quit. The award…who knows what it was. Likely a small check, or a piece of paper with my name on it saying great work. Something to hang on the wall.  I found out the friendly plus size,30 something rosy cheek long hair blonde didn’t understand why she was never picked to fly first class across America even though she had the best sales (getting people to consider coming to the hotel).

I never told her I over heard two of her co-workers talking in whispers (as if I couldn’t hear) that shes too fat to be considered. I was afraid that if I told her I would be in trouble and lose my job at the time. After those two co-workers left a woman who was spunky, smiley,short brown haired (Halle berry short hair style) and tanned with green eyes in her 40’s and slim figure came to buy lunch ( a salad and water) told me that she is going again first class by plane …blah blah blah. I said congratulations even though in the back of my mind I knew the truth. Guess I shouldn’t have been as shocked months later when I was removed from being a model choice and face of the company. To fat for customers to look at.

To me it seems plus size women work real hard beyond average to prove ourselves. If thin would I been as great? Over the years I met thin co-workers hide or go into the break room for hours when on the clock as I was being watch like a hawk, waiting to see me slow down to judge me.


Again I will not waste my time reapplying for no job when I already did just for them to SEE me. I will waste my time for a interview and never get a call back, but not reapplying again. Too insulting.