Diet cokes and coca cola zero have been my comfort though out the day, fighting urges to eat at will. I just weighed again and its at 269.6 pounds. I always weigh in the morning which is why Im 269.4. Its like my body wants to go right back into the 270’s. Im suffering here and hate when people make losing weight so easy when its a addiction and a battle. At this point three hot pockets and a large rocky road sundae with the works such as whip cream, chocolate syrup, candy toppings and anything I darn well please to be topped on it sounds way better then being slim and dating! Its that bad!
I take the stairs, I walked to work 40minutes each morning since stopping my ride, have to go up three flights of stairs every morning losing air and somewhat my life once I reach the top!, I fight every day not to eat again and again just once having 1500 calories today…yea yesterday was a little more calorie wise, but that beats 3000-5000 calories I can naturally consume with pride! Only thing I get is oh I lost a few ounces which to me is total bull and highly unfair Im serious! I mean I was just close again to eating whatever I love the flavors of food, and the feeling of not starving.
This morning I went straight to work and felt terrible 6am this morning had to get a snack fast I felt weak and just in general a horrible feeling. If I didn’t have to wake up 5am and be working so early I wouldn’t feel like Im going to die of not eating 5am in the morning! Im trying so darn hard when its so easy to turn the over on…..its real bad when Im looking through thick cookbooks like a turned on woman to her man….flipping pages of food porn, and even bought two and fell asleep with it laying right next me it!
Let me share a story with you….
I use to work for a retail place that sold clothes for those on a budget…no not goodwill.
My manager was a Mexican woman with high self esteem, she had the self worth of a plus size black woman. And she was 300 and something pounds yet had pride that I could never feel with thighs screaming at each other with each rub and lack of air, with a gut hanging enough to have someone grab on for safety before almost falling off a cliff, she had dark brown eyes like mines, wavy hair to her shoulders, and a nice smile, and was annoying at times, but kinda caring. One day she showed me this super red thong and with a large grin said my husband would love me in these……….my stomach turned because I felt grossed out me being fat myself why would I buy a thong to get lost up my____? I then knew she was dating within my race. They met at a fast food restaurant she was in the drive though and he was taking her order…Im sorry but it would be so funny if they made a fat romance movie like this! She was mad he got her order wrong and since she always was a popular customer they hit it off. I can see that happening since I would go to 7-11 so much every employee knew me to the point one guy joked about my weight, so I stop buying their pricey food from there and if they see me its only to pick up a free flyer….he got too comfortable, even pizza hut guy knows me well, sonics do now….so love can happen for us in the drive thru or walk in. My whole point is I see the large women that date within my race, but always wondered don’t they know they can have any guy (no matter his race, height,religion) if they pay his bills, be his sex toy, ect? Well not all guys some will, but will have their idea woman on the side you will learn about in a year or so. Like my cousin dates out because he said black women won’t support him (meaning free rent and food ect) so he dates very large women,but would like a fit or slim one (who doesn’t) Its like when your huge guys see you as something that can care for them in many ways, even if he works its really about him. Large women have found true love that respects them, but Im not waiting in my 70’s for that to come around 
Anyway I could of had a date,he has a degree, goes to my home state sometimes, even took his mom with him and she loved those four days! I met him on craiglist (yes the garbage site) we texted on and off for maybe 3 months now. We never met…craiglist is um eww. Anyway he text me(3 days ago) that he is bored tired of going to work then home and wanted to go on a date with me…I don’t know how he looks like just were in the same age range thats all. I was excited and thrilled my first date with whoever he is….but recall I sent a picture of me 3 months ago in my panties and bra and asking him from a males view what he thought (at the time I was 262 pounds).
He is open to going to the arts has no spending limits (i asked) ,BUT get this I still have to pay my own way this is such a fat girls treatment! Now if I knew him and we been on many dates and a total gentleman I see no problem in treating him back of course, but my first date will not AGAIN will not be me being asked out on a date to pay my own way I can do that alone!
Also two days ago my 5th grade bully who got my mom to give my number …..see in 5th grade we were friends, then she turned bully then friends again and no one liked her. Today she even says she wish she was nicer. Im not stupid she wanted me as a friend to help her with her newborn you know western union…were not friends.
She got with this guy she calls her man, he is in and out of jail, cheated on her at her own place, the next week she forgives him and sleeps with him because she wanted sex and told me my issue is because I didn’t get any _____yet!
So were from two worlds here. I told her what I want in a guy, one with goals, kinda cute, but not that important in looks, someone I wouldn’t be ashamed of in public, is romantic and funny and normal.
So why is she trying to get me to date her cousin? Yes im black and so is he, but that doesn’t mean were right for each other. She sent his pic and I almost fainted! He looked angry in the face, had muscles…lots of them, tons of tats not just a few ,but all over his abs and shoulders and yes the first thought was he looks dangerous like he could knock the short cake outta me. I lie and said wow he looks great next minute he is calling my phone off the hook! I said text only I mean I had zero interest after seeing that pic. After texting I found out he sold drugs, said he got all these gold digging bitches after his money and his homies were setting him up because they were jealous. He said he stopped after going to jail. I asked what do you do now? Being nice I told him im a stocker…he kept saying I work, I asked doing what…he wouldn’t tell me just that he is called lil daddy….in my mind I was like does he have kids somewhere? So today I didn’t text him at all and won’t and she is crazy to think Im stupid like her to date the same type of guy she had a baby with that he don’t want to take care of. She stopped calling me sis because we will never be related through family in a million years! Just because im fat and black does,’t mean I want a thug in my life, and take any kind of man.
FOR ALL RACES OF WOMEN (who are fat)
1) Never take just any guy for company and never allow yourself to be used!
2) Yes you can have a great guy…just takes longer to get when thin so and so had it since high school and even now.
3) If a guy ASK you out then he pays I mean why ask me out? If you ask him then you can’t expect him to pay for you.
4) Don’t have a date at popeyes, or kfc, or taco bell I seen fat girls on dates there holding hands Im like really!?
When your slim you tend to get the best guys from anywhere of any backround.
Even if he is terrible another one will be the charm or the next.
Even abused thin women have someone wanting them ready to save them, the fat ones are on their own with no guy willing to rescue her from her monster.
I Have To Be Skinny 