Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Ended friendship number 2….. Calling me a bitch every sentence not cool with me. Not down for all trends.

September 29, 2017

I was like this three days ago to myself….

Then two days ago I was like….

Then I was like this yesterday……..

This morning

 

Just glad it’s over. I hate ending friendships, but if it goes south I’m learning to let go.

I loved that she texted me. We both had very busy lives with work and school. We had maybe 85% things in common. We would send each other recordings since if we had any down time we both wanted to just relax vs being on the phone talking. We had close to the same goals. We known each other for 7 years….again 7 years. I loved how that she was black and not so deep into all things God. I could talk about past life…I mean is it real? Meditation and so on without hearing I’m going to hell.  We both experienced being fired, laid off, afraid of not having rent money, school being our main goal….this friendship was bliss.

In my last post I had fully let go of another friend of 8 years. Sometimes people change. Change is good, but sometimes bad…real bad. I’m proud to say I never went back to that nutcase, so I was down to a few friends. I’m also fine with having no friends if it ever came down to it. We all have our flaws, but some I’m not willing to put up with.

If I am to lose weight……..plus as a emotional eater ….I have to take out the things that could make me binge and make me feel awful about myself.

As time go by….I notice that people need ME more then I need them…


This was my favorite friend. When she would send recordings I would press play and looked forward to it! On rare calls we did it was like a holiday when we both had some time and energy to talk.

Things changed about 4-5 months ago.

She sent me a recording and I press play…

Girl my boss a bitch and blah blah…..and bitch get this….

I remember like wait…did she call me a bitch???  I heard of reality tv and how artists call themselves a bitch, BUT THEY ARE PAID. I’m being called a bitch for me?!!!

I let it slide thinking ok maybe she had a rough day and…..


Fast forward. Two months later…I’m a bitch this and I’m her bitch….not I’m her girl, but her bitch. And listen bitch this what happen to me today (in a cheerful positive voice)  I was a bitch…bitch bitch and more bitch and she a bitch, her boss a bitch….were all just bitches. Soon her recordings and text messages I was dreading….

 


I asked her whats going on with you? I was like talk to me. Something bad happened to you? I known you for 7 years and you never talked to me this way.

She then left a recording joking that one day she’ll be successful and will say bitch even more. I said please don’t do that.

She laughed and laughed…..if she was like this 7 years ago. I wouldn’t have kept in touch.


Another month in.

Bitch get this…

Bitch guess what…

Ya bitch just got her grades back……

Yes bitch!

Soon it came down to me playing her recording and soon as I heard bitch I would just not finish it. A 10 minute recording …maybe only 2 min into and cancel.


One day she was at work. And she called me very upset. I was like whats wrong?? She said you know how I call you bitch? I said sadly yes. She said you understand it’s not met as a insult? I said yes that’s what you told me. She said at work she called one of the other black nurse assistants a bitch in a good way. I said ok…

She then said that she caught the other nurse assistant telling another nurse assistant to watch out for so and so she likes to call people bitches.

I said ok….

Then she says it’s not that serious…I said well I fully understand her. None of us want to be called a bitch as a good thing…

 

She ignored what I said and continued her rant….


 

So three days ago we had our first disagreement in 7 years…………

Since shes 35 years old….she knows better. I thought this ends today or I’m out.

She’s not going through a phase….I mean I made up excuses for her in my mind that maybe it’s a phase.

I called her and she was like wow you usually don’t call.  I told her we need to talk. Since I was on the train I couldn’t just bluntly say what I wanted to say. Nosey people around and all listening in pretending not to hear.

I said why are you calling me a bitch every sentence? She got real upset saying shes not with that girl power bullshit and not a feminist (which she really is lol….stupid)

She votes, shes starting to get desperate for a man that she plans on marrying some guy from Africa in a 3rd world area. Told me if she can get a education she support him…….all these things are possible thanks to feminists. If the laws were changed today I would be happy in front of a stove, having kids and being a really great wife.

So only feminists don’t want to be called bitches or bitch…….. her logic was not there at all. NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO BE CALLED THAT.

She then goes on how as a kid her and her sister would call each other bitches. And that was a the norm for her family. Interesting I said very calmly.

I was thinking so this behavior pops up 4-5 months ago??? Not 7 years ago??? And when her sister dropped her off years ago…I didn’t hear her sister say bye bitch I’ll pick you up later…..

Soon my mind blocked her out as my mind kept saying we got to get rid of her.

You call me your BEST friend………..your BEST friend told you in so many ways she doesn’t  want to be called a bitch….yet your getting mad about it :/ like who gets mad at someone who doesn’t want to be called a bitch?


 

Once we hung up….she sent me more recordings on other subjects, but continue to call me a bitch. You pretty much saying you don’t respect my wishes or me at all. I was so hurt that day. I could cry, but didn’t. I thought well this will be bye bye to friendship number 2 because I can not take being called a bitch and explained why it’s ok for me to be called a bitch.  If I’m called a bitch it needs to be a insult. I’m not a rap artist making millions nor a reality tv star making many thousands.


So then I told a newer friend of 4 months…………lol. A ex coworker as well. She said she sounds crazy. I said she has become crazy as if I will put up being called a bitch. She told me I need to get rid of her asap so she can call her sister a bitch and whoever. Also I was her ONLY friend 🙂   So she needs to get out and find women like her who don’t mind being called bitches 50 or so times a day.

So two days ago I went along with it. I thought to myself shes a total bitch her self….I went from this was my favorite friend to I HATE her. Played her recordings…more of me being called a bitch… and talking about how shes drinking green tea and needing to figure out how to get into some nursing program and more bitch bitch blah blah bitch bitch.


 

Three days ago I wanted to binge eat. I called up a old friend…I forgot about lol. I told her please talk to me. I want to binge eat over this reason. We talked for an hour that day and luckily still on my diet I lose 15 pounds in 10 days with.

So yesterday…………..I said let me listen to her final recordings. Yup bitch blah blah, bitch….blah, but it kinda decreased, but I know it’s only temp.

So I went to my e-mail blocked her there.

Then I texted her ….in a nutshell that friends respect each other and since you don’t I can no longer take this.And how I assumed maybe it was a phase because you didn’t talk this way 7 years ago or even 6 months ago.  I sent her the three textes and blocked her number making sure I get the final say.

And imagine……….she wanted to be my roommate because she may lose her place soon. She was fired and……….I wouldn’t mind for a month or two, but she killed it.

This morning my pants feeling looser and I felt total freedom.

If I’m called a bitch it will be used correctly as a insult.

In my text I told her I am a woman, a female, a girl and that my name is……..,but I’m not a bitch.

So now I have………

1 Haitian/Kenyan friend of 7 years

1 African American friend 7 years

2 white American friends 1 of 8 years the other 3-4 months

1 Jamaican friend from my home state of over 10 years

Life has gotten less neg. and …..feels good.

I’m happy at this time. ..and won’t be going back.  Learned my past lesson.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Family calling me fat in too many ways…now I’m too fat to finally see my father.

May 18, 2017

tumblr_menbt35usc1rbs5wuo1_500

I finally went to Florida against my wishes. My mom would tell me nearly daily how sick she’s getting. I mean I haven’t seen her in a year. I wanted to see her, but I didn’t. My family needs each other for health reasons, so they now live under one roof. My grandmother’s house includes her mom, my mom , and two of my sisters. Everyone has their own room, so it works. I didn’t want to go for two reasons……

 

  1. Airline seats
  2. My family noticing how fat I gotten since last time

 

I felt pressured to come and guilt got to me. I mean my mom is not the greatest in health and my great grandma is very old.  Yet I know how my family could be, but the way my mom was talking it was like she could die any day now. To told my job I need time off. I had taken out a small loan to make this 9 day trip possible. I kept reminding myself I’m coming to see family and there likely to just be happy to see me again vs judging my size.  I thought what if something happens to my mom and I allowed my size to stop me?

1000-upload-iblock-780-spirit_com

 

Costs:

300$ round trip

I then became concerned if I would fit the seats………

100$ upgrade to business seats.

100$ for carry on round trip…I mean I need to bring clothes and my tooth brush and other items.

1$ for a can of soda

TSA degrading pat downs…..free

I never spent so much money at once  besides my rent and what not. I wanted to cancel everything and stay home at that cost, but reminded myself for family….family don’t come with a price tag.


5464159

I get to fort worth airport. Very few people were big like me. Majority of travelers were average size to thin. I felt so out of place….I stuck out in a sea of normal. I had a slight limp on top of everything else. I still cope with arthritis …something that can be fixed through a more wholesome diet.  I get to TSA…my pants go off even though I took everything out my pockets. My very …very obese self with a limp became a danger to the public. Two elderly giddy up like Texans accent and all told me to come on down. I was help up as the woman felt all over my lumpy fat thighs that set everything off. Finally released and proven not a threat. A woman approached me and told me how it looked so degrading and how she wished they let me go. It was like a freak show as others passed by and taking a glance. Watch the black fat girl get touched all below. I was angry….but I said for family.

 

The business size seats were nice. Not too big nor to small for my spread. Only a black guy was bigger then me onboard and it brought me comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. He likely had a two seater. I was nervous …planes make me nervous since 9/11.

It was nice not to take up someones space in mid air. When we finally landed I couldn’t wait to rest.

It started off rocky with my mom getting mad and kinda loud over the phone because she couldn’t find me. I was in departure area and not arrival. I left my glasses back in Texas, so everything was kinda blurry. I told my mom I didn’t come to be yelled at over a mistake. Lets move on and said I’m hanging up. Just never been into fusing long.

When she did find me. She smiled from the drivers seat. I hopped in and thought here I am in paradise….Florida. It was dark back and the drive smooth….

 

Lets fast forward……….Fast-Forward-Cover

I was there for nine days of hell…………….nine days I was counting down when I would come back to Texas to the safety of my apartment and my  cats who are animals who don’t understand their owner got bigger or smaller…they care less…

 

I LONGED TO BE IN A STATE I CARED LESS ABOUT!

Nine days reminded how ugly and fat I was………..

Great grandma……………… I stood there as she said oooo you gotten so big. Why you gotten so big?  You need longer shirts to cover you more. (The shirts I have are kinda sporty meaning they cover me, but don’t go down my butt, they would look great on a thin woman…as usual)

Aunt………..looks at me up and down….again up and down…..smiling, but it’s clear what shes thinking and my wonderful sick mother confirmed it out of random anger why she was staring at me.

Little sister……….your soooo fat, your too big, your big self.

my grandmother…………agrees with her mom that I gotten so big, are you going to eat that?

My mom………..your worrying about my health…look at you! I tried to remind her she was the one telling me of her problems and that’s the only reason why I came!!! I came out of fear and so called love for family!

I was called big in so many ways though vocal or simply being stared at.

My last day there…I couldn’t be more happier. I tell myself daily I’m fat and don’t need any help with that. It was so bad that strangers assumed I was homeless….I would stay outside for over 7 to 8 hours to get away from family. I smelled, had bugs on me that came out of nowhere from trees and what not. My surroundings were beautiful, but I was in hell. I ended up spending more time being outdoors then family.

 

 

A friend of mines was telling me she has some people in her family who are not doing well health wise, but they are adults. Shes in another state from family as well. She said her family understands that how can she help them by moving back home? Or if she can’t afford to visit them? She said unless they pay her ticket she won’t be going. She then said if I was to move back…I have nothing and likely be worse off stuck under their roof. She was right and I did allow my emotions and feelings of guilt to get me there…to be called fat for nine days. I wish I had her thinking then……..could of kept that money I can never get back , my mom has health problems, but shes not going to die tomorrow.

 

Before walking out the door on that last day…my grandmothers as a good bye I guess told me I need to buy clothes that cover me better. I said ok and just walked out to my moms car. We didn’t speak on the way to the airport. She said sorry and it wasn’t suppose to be that way. I was suppose to go to her appointments, we were suppose to have a good time. I get it I’m fat………..they could of thought it, but kept it to themselves. We really no longer talk these days as much.

Dad

To say the word dad……doesn’t feel right. I never had to because I never had one. A mom and a dad is something the lucky had and I didn’t. I had no other parent to run to when my mom was acting unpleasant. Fathers day was…just another day. I know I was his first child. After that Florida trip of hell…a couple of months later he was trying to find me. A small part of me wanted this really badly. Yet i’m almost 30 of age. His absence made me angry at a stranger I never knew.  I remember being 17 sitting outside, looking at the clouds waiting for myself to turn 18. I would day dream and sometimes this man, this hidden person would pop up in my mind. When fathers day came I wouldn’t know unless someone told me. I’m at lost for words as I type…….can’t stop crying now….been three decades …I didn’t have a father besides two rare visits at 16. Why couldn’t he come then? Try to be in my life then when I was even more willing? I’m almost 30……..

 

I was on the phone with his friend. I told him of course I want to see him, but I can’t. He said why?! He wants to be in your life??? I tried to explain what happened in Florida. He said well your dad is not trying to date you. I said nor was my mom and the rest of the family. I can’t let him see my so big. I never forgot what my mom told me and get this my mom was very fat then too, but I was bigger. 16 of age still couldn’t believe I met my real father. My mom tells me then that he said he couldn’t believe I was so big……that crushed me. I’m bigger now…..I can’t.

My mom now denies she ever said that. She said he never said that. I said you wouldn’t lie and I never forgot. When he do come since no one is taking me serious…maybe I’ll leave town temp? Or just work straight until he, my mom, and his friend leaves my apt. area.

 

Maybe if I wasn’t called fat for nine days straight……….

I just can’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shes In denial….(Post goes with the last one) Extreme reading….

May 18, 2017

She always have a habit of turning things around to me. Blaming me. Deep down I’m so angry that if they end up arresting her I no longer care. It’s almost tempting to find the court house where shes going to go against her, but it’s for the best I stay my distance…forever. Why shes going to court?

 

She met her kind. Tall, dark skin dude. Like some men they wait to tell you some extra news after you get attached to them. Together though they found out he got some woman pregnant….she stayed. He was staying over at his ex place because he had no place…she stayed. Then he told her one day after seeing that he has her…oh by the way I’m a pimp. I never met him thankfully (never wanted to meet any of the guys she dated) I thought she was joking. I didn’t know pimps still existed in this era. In the 70s you hear of pimps, but now…no. She ended up staying…when I thought she left him. I find out later they were on and off. She had a nice job as a manager of a retail store, degreed, life was simple for her besides the pimp. She was one of those rare managers who were close to all her employees. One of her employees was a white girl who never told the truth about anything. She even made up her mom died…forgets ….next min her mom is dead again months later to skip out of work.

I guess she got too comfortable with her employees….even loaned money to one and I known her for years and couldn’t get a dime when I needed money. Two of her other employees also white and I guess she told all her stuff about her man because they were looking for a sugar daddy, so they can get breasts jobs and other stuff. Skipping some details…..they met with her and were put off by his offer to sleep with the product before helping….and likely told the girl who loves to lie what happened.

Promotion time and the girl who lies assumed she got the position since she saw them as co-buddies. She picked the person who had the skills for the job. I knew her and she never help me get a job in there saying I lacked fashion and blah blah  to even work as their stock person. Some friend. Mean while other managers hired their friends with no skills what so ever,

The girl who lies went to management…and lied and claim that she tried to force her to be a hooker! Ever since then for about 3 years not only was she arrested, but still fighting this. In a way it is her fault for even bringing up her on and off boyfriend to the two aspiring sugar babies…who then shared their experience to a co-worker who used it against their manager…her.

I had promised that I would speak for her in court. I felt, so bad for her. I mean why date a man like that. Soon as you heard what he do try to ease out the relationship and safely. Her family can’t make it to court due to family actives. I would of been the only one there to speak for her. Ignoring all the insults she said to me. I blame myself for giving her a 3rd chance. Thinking time would make a person change, but it didn’t.

Today’s a new day…it’s 3:38am right now.  Three  days ago I went outside for my ubereats delivery…yes a deep chocolate brownie with marshmallows. Something I didn’t need. I rushed out with my sweater covering my hair…takes forever to fix natural hair just right, black sweat pants and a large red shirt. I forgot to bring my phone, so I can buzz myself back in.

My mind was on sweets. I thought I deserve it. Every bite of it. The man was in a white old car, large and heavy like me with glasses. He handed me my treat from his window. When I turned around the sliding doors shut…and I was locked out.

 

All of a sudden a stranger approached me….said my name in a soft , but careful matter….

I was like was this a former co-worker who happens to live here!?

I was happy because they likely had the card to allow us back in our apartments.

Walked out of the shadows was a plus size, very round faced…….it was her at 10:09pm. I was shocked and full of anger. I told her to get away from me! She said can we talk?? I said no!  She said ok…and drove off. She no longer the skinny black girl…I mean I didn’t know it was her at first.  We been through this so many times……….I’m sorry…..next min BITCH….I’m really sorry…..well you say things too!!! ….I’m sorry…gets old and I blame myself for giving her another chance!!! I blocked her number days ago.

 

I finally checked my e-mail and she had wrote this:

Since you aren’t answering my texts I guess I can just talk to myself maybe you’ll read it…. I had a horrible day yesterday and today too accidentally gave away $40 my ankles were severely swollen my skin flared very bad also had some not so good news about court case. Anyways I know you are mad but you said you’d speak for me at trial I was just wondering if you’d still do that if so I have an affidavit from my lawyer if you can fill it out if not I understand. I didn’t mean to upset you and I guess that’s s bad trait of mine not thinking before I speak being depressed is horrible but I’m going to doctor tomorrow hopefully I get meds to help. I hope you know that i really think of you as a best friend you’re a good person to talk to at times I think I just say the wrong things if I hurt you I hope you know I’m very sorry.

 

Notice the above e-mail. “So I have AN affidavit from my lawyer” MEANING LIKE BEFORE IT’S JUST ME WHO WOULD BE SPEAKING. Not anyone else or her so called friends who likely say they are her friends,but won’t even show up for court…which makes me feel she views them as friends, but deep down they are not feeling the same and won’t say it. Also notice she admits she was wrong….does this a lot.

 

 

So I go ahead and send her a final e-mail. I met well, but she took it very wrong:

 

 

Before any of this happened you still were this way. I kept ignoring and ignoring…would say not to say those things, but you did so anyway. I don’t understand you and really don’t want to. I mean if your calling me names…ok…,but to bring some ones parent in it was crossing the line. When you get mad which takes only a few seconds…there is zero build up just instantly mad. I have textes where you get mad then say sorry I misread what you said…just instantly. And when you do get mad you use the most extreme words like I tried to kill someone in your family. I hate this had to happen and I just can’t anymore. I really valued our friendship, but maybe your just better off with the other people you know. Maybe you hold things in with them and let everything loose with me. I don’t know, but were just not a good match. I was fair and wanted a strangers opinion. I don’t delete text messages ….just a chore to do so. I had a stranger see how things build up. You do go too far. Everyone is different, but I can’t take that anymore. I’m happy I now have a dad and like before I care less how he looks …… To randomly call me a ho, and to get the fuck off your line. All three of my old phones have very old textes of you telling me off. I never talked about how your mom looks….I careless. Never thought to judge her…odd of me. I never told you to suck a dick and never called you a ho. Anything I have said was in defense….and I’m not that type of person. I like to walk away from things rather then be aggressive and go back and forth. I met bad people in Florida, but my friends never told me to suck a dick out of instant rage. The only people I feel comfortable with who can meet my family reminds me of me! Sadly I lost all my Floridian friends being in this state, but all three I know would know what to talk about with my family and what NOT to talk about, I wouldn’t have to worry about being degraded about in front of my family by a so called best friend.Â
Also you could of faked being on your best behavior…you know after I got back in touch with you the first two weeks were great…then you got comfortable…least fake it for this whole court stuff. THEN call me a ho, and tell me to suck a dick, and how my daddy got a big fat ass belly after.
I don’t want you to change who you are at the end. It’s kinda like a bad relationship. A guy can treat women like crap for years, but it’s that one woman he meets he decides to change for.
I may be like those women and your better off with someone else.
Fatty watty….so I called you chubby.
Go suck a dick…so I said kiss my ass.
None of this is normal. Real friends just don’t make their best friend uncomfortable.Â
I just wanted you to be happy. Predo would be just for fun. I thought if I could influence you just to go out with a guy (You have experience with dating and being in relationships….meaning if single you will long what you had….normal).
I never dated anyone! Well one guy kinda and I stopped the whole date. I felt he may rob my purse. I don’t long what I never had. Not just you many women out here in the lone state are single and told me they wish they had a relationship. They long what they had. The women who are in relationships a good relationship…are happier, more positive and love coming home to a man everyday. I wasn’t being mean and I seen some good looking Mexican guys (just don’t like how they as a group practice the whole bilingual only hiring) Just wanted you to be happy and you took it as a insult and a way to bash me through text. Without love, life is empty and a very lonely place. Even just for fun …thought it be healthy for you to go out then with just women only.
I already feel ugly enough and my existence alone is still shocking. I don’t need anymore help in putting me down. Ho and I never got to sleep with ONE person, but ok…
I understand you come from the typical Christian background, but AGAIN not as a insult. Maybe seek real help…real help. Nothing wrong with getting help. What makes you get so angry within seconds? What makes you say the most extreme things over petty to nothing? I learned a lot about myself in this state and I embrace I have adhd and sometimes I do have depression. I admit that. That’s why I’m seeking help this month and the next for it.
When you had the bag of chips just hanging out your purse and snapped at me, soooo badly. I remember walking way to cry. I remember wiping my tears fast so you wouldn’t see it. I was hungry and didn’t eat that whole day. I was like let me go next door for a bite to eat…you as usual too controlling NO….saw the chips and it was NO. Next minute months later your telling me how your brother ate at your place with his girlfriend FIRST then ya’ll went out…so cool for your brother to eat first and out. I asked you about that and somehow you changed the subject.
I distanced myself over something …have to look at old phone number 3 for why.
Then one night on the phone (you claim not to remember, but I do). You randomly say I confuse you. One minute I’m pro black and next I want to be a white girl. I had to distance then because after I hung up I cried myself to sleep because black kids bullied me for not acting in a negative way like them to prove my blackness.
What ever is going on mentally (again not as a insult, but as a real concern) I hope you get better someday. And if you do have kids just remember don’t be so quick to anger. Try to think it through first. Tell the person I don’t like that and say why. Learn to cherish the friends you do have and it’s ok to joke, tease whatever, but remember to have a limit. If you don’t people will make excuses why they can’t meet up with you. A past classmate has a son, a husband and came out of nowhere asking when I’m coming back so we can talk and hang out. Be that person people feel comfortable around, that you can joke with. Angry…take a deep breath and reflect.
 —————————————————————————-
After I sent that I thought was I wrong? Should I have not written anything back? And like my usual self…………..I’ll be honest…..did I over react? Was I right to be upset with her? She makes me feel like it was me who is wrong. Was I? When I ask people they say wow she sounds crazy stay far away…………are they saying that because they feel they have to agree with me? The most honest person I know said I need to stay away her mouth sounds real dirty. I’m just so….lost….
—————————————————————————–
After I sent that e-mail. 12am something she sent this e-mail……….
(My name) you need to stop putting words in my mouth.  I wasn’t referring to your dad as being fat! It was a rhyme about you and it was just that a rhyme to match yours. I don’t know if you dad is fat or skinny so how could I say that. And as far as you being a Ho I know you haven’t slept with anyone once again it was a rhyme! So you say you’re done why are you emailing me? I get it you don’t want to be friends have I called you today? No last night was my last time trying. I say things to you in confidence and you use against me! Like I told you I didn’t like the bum looking Pedro but yet you still tell me to go out with him I asked you to stop! And you tell me I have mental issues that’s not a compliment!! You do that to me all the time constantly telling me what I am. Why do you think you can say whatever to people and it be ok??
(Shes lying…………she got a pic I had sent her of my father. If I never sent it she wouldn’t have anything to say….when she first got it she said wow he’s so black………..noticed the above email…she don’t know how he looks now, and who use ho as a everyday word….I feel something has always been mentally off…or something else? I got the texts of her saying wow he’s so black)  And she makes it as if I say whatever………….notice her first e-mail…like other texts she says sorry and how she don’t know why shes like this…now it’s my fault.

Then she sends another e-mail:

 

You said we’re not friends anymore ok great so this it. I’m really wish you the best but no more ok do not contact me I’m going through so much I don’t not need added stress please! My real true friends got my back please just go away.

 

 

I’m thinking….um…what or where true friends? I was the first person in her life on Earth to give her a bday gift. None of these so called friends ever did. I stopped when she got mad at me and said I gave her a cheap ass gift….I mean I was brokish.

If she goes to jail there will be no one to call her family, if not she will likely get probation and community service and a record. She claims if she gets a record it can be removed I forgot how.

I will not ever go back never ever neeeever.

I was suppose to type of something else, but feeling kinda better now. Just a toxic friendship that should of never started to began with.

 

Ending a so called friendship again…., having a dad, going back to my old self, mental and weight loss.

May 13, 2017

Shocking Conversation

 

I mentioned this friend in older posts….same friend calling me white for liking other music (even though I like some black artists as well). She became controlling over me, wanted to know where I was almost every hour, and get upset if I want to text. I love to text and low on the phone calls. I had to end the friendship for the 2nd time.  She would be normal until a waitress/waiter was there to take our order, or if the cashier was talking to me about what I owe…she would randomly say…shut up, shut, shut up…fast over and over of shut up being very rude to me. She wanted me to go with her to her state to visit her family…see she felt comfortable letting me visit her family, but I never felt the same with her. Nor did I ever go with her to her family….the idea of having to demand on her to ride back to this state from another …no. The long ride and back of her dirty mouth was too much to consider.

When I let her go I did cry. It was hard. I mean we use to joke, and even though she treated me  kind of badly in public I did miss her.  It was bittersweet. I loved not having her call me or text me asking what I’m doing every hour even 11pm at night…like sheesh, but I didn’t mind sharing.

Her: Wyd?

Me: Watching tv

Her: What are your watching?

Me: My 600 pound life

Her: Can you call?

Me: Well I want to watch this….

Her: Fine!

When she called and I didn’t answer she would get upset.

I let her go………..I got tired of crying sometimes over the things she said racially. Like my dna says I am black. No music can change that. I  got tired of her getting angry and telling me to suck a dick instantly if she got mad….just got tired of the semi mental abuse she was doing and then BLAME me for any negative behavior she showed. Then after it was always a heart felt sorry she would do that was actually…touching.

 

I then ended it. Each month passed I was proud of myself for ignoring her calls, I knew she was calling from other numbers on the rare. I was the greatest friend she ever had. Even though she knew others longer I was her favorite (her words). Six months passed and something in me wanted to give her a another chance. I felt a rare lonely. I know others, but …people I know..I understand my limit with everyone or I at least learn it.

I called…….the first ring she answered. She sounded shock and happy at the same time. Told me how I hurt her by ignoring her for so long. And how all her friends have a man in their lives and too busy for her…in the back of my mind I thought maybe you ran them away also…I mean they can’t give a day where you guys just hang out…hmm???

We caught up, we laughed, she said sorry again, I told her why I had to move on.,..she said wow I was that mean?

I remember lying to her just to hang up so I can eat. She patrolled my food like a hawk. If I want a bad food item…the urge is too strong to hear someone tell me know who just had pizza and a coke.

After 2 weeks the honey moon was over…………2 weeks ……..over.  She was back to her old self. Besides no longer being skinny and dealing with legal problems thanks to her ex…her fault too  in some ways. She is now chubby. How the mighty fall. She use to be one of those black girls who want to gain weight to be thick….and when they do gain…lol they end up trying to lose it!!! Weight gain doesn’t mean it will go to your butt and chest. There was a Hispanic man who has been after her. I told her she should give him a chance (He’s Mexican ….) and she took it as a insult. He works, clean record, and sounds like a gentleman. I told her sadly that would be the best man you ever had (sadly not in her race too). I told her yes he’s Mexican, but just go out for fun. She then got mad and told me to go out with him…I said I would if he met me first and took a interest why not? I  mean in this state black men care less if she’s Mexican he’ll be chasing these women (Only the very light brown to pale skinned ones). I telling her to give the Mexican guy a go was too much of a insult and she told me to suck a dick and called me a ho. I was left nearly speechless and told her to kiss my ass!!! Which resulted in a text match of insults to the point it was I who stopped and ignored her for that day.

She then would miss read my texts and assumed I tried to insult her….only to re-read and say Oh sorry I miss read it. She wanted me on the phone all the time for hours. I told her this is not me….I don’t like being on the phone long…makes me feel trapped where I can’t do other things. I have to focus on what your saying. I also like to enjoy my surroundings and don’t want to be suck on the phone on the way to work nor after. I then found myself taking pictures of my whereabouts. Picture of me with my mouth wide open in the dentist chair, picture of me in the bathroom washing my hands…it was like she didn’t believe what I said I was doing, so I should be on the phone with her :/

I missed my freedom and people do change …but everyday we have these high and lows. Everyday I was now being told to suck a dick….next minute I’m sorry. I’m a ho…next min …I’m sorry…..we been only in touch for two months and the final straw…was when she made a joke about my father……….

 

tumblr_mzgrlfXbb61sa3a87o1_400

Like mentioned before in older posts. I use to day dream as a young teen having a dad, a happy mother in  a loving relationship. All the things we would of done together. How I may be different if I was a two parent home that was full of love. Only last month I found out four years ago my father (Who I called by his first name). Has been looking for me…likely guilt finally set in. Since I don’t have a facebook like that he could never find me. Same with my mom since she removed her account some years ago. Part me wants this, but another part don’t. I don’t want someone now ready to give me rules and what not…who has never been there and um…I’m a adult? Part of me wants to just not try this because I’m too nervous….too nervous about this meeting in July. They (mom, him , and his friend) would visit me this month, but I’m too fat and a recent family visit confirmed that and I’m too ashamed. His friend sent me a picture of him. He is dark skin (follow?), also he has a small gut, but slim all over. If he lost maybe ten pounds he would be perfect, but I don’t care ……hell if a grass hopper said he was my daddy I would care less how he looked like.

 

I was happy deep down to have a photo. I shared it with the girl who told me to suck a dick when pissed. The first thing out her mouth was wow he’s very black…mind you shes med. tone and likes dark men which will result in her having dark kids maybe in the future….so I was taken aback, but ignored that. Others saw his photo and said I must take after my mom.  Anyway by now things were calm between us. I made the mistake of telling her my very minor sister likes to call me fat through text pretty much almost daily Sometimes funny other times annoying. As of two days ago she stopped…..but…

So since she this so called friend know (after I told her) my minor sister (not even a teen yet) called me fatty watty……..every day more then my little sister she started texting me fatty watty, but the final straw was these exact texts……….

 

Her: Fatty watty

(I’m at bus station look down at texts)

Me: Chucky frumpy, church lovin plump flunkie.

Her: lol

Her:  Fatty watty don’t know her daddy got a big ass belly that shakes like jelly!

Me: mmm (thinking…why did you bring any one related to me in this like that?), weird …ok. You need to give pedro a go… (His real name)

Her: You need to give any man a go! Ho

Me: Cancel the 16th …rather ride the 3 buses to dentist.

Her: ummm don’t think I’m going to beg to drive you lol!

Me: Ok no hard feelings. Just not into stress….I’ll take the 6 buses total that day then have a ride who tried to upset me. Thanks anyway.

Her: ok cool

Her: You can say stuff about me, but when it’s on you…..you can’t handle it.

Her: Telling me to give pedro a go well you can give someone a go too.

Her: I’m really tired of walking on pins with you do this time I’m serious…I’m blocking you for good.

Me:  You text me randomly fatty watty……my sister is a minor….but ok whatever. I text something back due to that. THEN YOU BRING UP MY FATHER IM LIKE DANG….never talk about how your folks look. So I say maybe you should give Pedro a go….not as a insult, but honestly your kinda nicer when you have a relationship. Then you call me a ho….girl bye.

Her: Get the fuck off my line seriously leave me alone

Me: BLOCK ME

Then I went ahead and blocked her….this all happened yesterday and my phone only tells when if she called, but blocks it. She called 5 times so far.

And I used girl bye….for the first time in my life. I had to get to her reality tv loving level.

Fatty watty is done with chucky flunky and her nasty wasty trap of a mouth. This 3rd time was fool on me. We bare done. I told my now long distance friend to pleaseeee remind me not to go back. Ever.

We been in touch only 2 months and everyday she begged for us to go out….glad I refused. I remember how she loved to upset me in public. Claimed she changed, but nothing changed …only time did.

Obese-Brain-e1418701872473

Last night. It was a full moon out…I know this because I took the trash out late. I took a shower and laid down. Waiting to ease off to sleep. I felt like crying, but didn’t want to. I laid there thinking of food and how bad I wanted to eat it real bad. It’s like a sick war a very sick twisted war where you want to be thin………but…the urge to eat is a powerful. I been studying more on legal drugs and over the counter meds…I believe theres a way to shut things off at least temp where the desire to eat can vanish….more on that next time…4 hours to sleep for a 16 hour work shirt tomorrow. Tues or wed. I should be back.

 

 

 

 

 

So many updates and the weight war continues.

May 9, 2017

Fear of Birthdays.

This August Marks 30 years of age….and it scares me. More so because I haven’t lost the weight. I still remember being a 5th grader crushing on the dark brown skinned and green eyed Cuban boy…then the black Jamaican guy who was crushing on the super skinny black girl, and secretly liking the Italian boy who we both disliked each other, but when it was time for report cards and to show our mom’s our low grades…we bonded over letting them down.  I remember coloring and drawing as a form of escape for my troubles and later using food. I remember thinking if I see a adult woman cry…my young mind assumed they were being abused at home by their husbands. I recall being 16 and had many magazines of thin modals. Modals who sometimes look average and ugly, but were loved and praised based on being thin. I learned I could be ugly too, but considered beautiful if I’m slim. Time went by I then remember getting fatter and fatter…and any insults towards me would be about my weight. Depression aka extreme sadness…time slipped away. I never got my size 0-2 body …..and it still bothers me to the point I feel myself holding back tears. Being slim met the world to me…it met everything. Whats the point of continuing on if I’m not thin?

tumblr_m724uk8AnY1qabteho1_500 Not going to lie black men dressing in ladies attire…..pretending to be black women is funny, but damaging as well.  At some point of my teenage life…my late teens. I threw away all my magazines of thin women in ads with rib cages perfectly showing. I thought why would anything matter? I am black! I seen thin and fat women black women treated like trash by their men, so ….well..whats the point?  Plus I thought would I be beautiful if I was thin? The only time the media showed actual beautiful black women is when they were pale skinned to very light skin, but allowed all the fat dark and brown black women to come on through. I’m not part of a culture where the women can be feminine exactly… we have to play both roles sadly. Not part of a culture where the men use actual black women in their music videos….they use mixed, white, to very light Hispanics. Meanwhile white ,Asian, Latino music artists use their women…they may use another race on the rare(token), but won’t allow another race to take over their women’s spot. I grew up hearing it all. Also black women wear weaves……………I know someone who does hair and adds weave to all races of women hair, black women got attitudes…….next I hear a white chubby girl say” COME ON NIGGA” in public as he carried their mixed race child. Black women wear fake nails, fake hair……….but go insane over all races from Brazil (big on surgery enchantments) all the way somewhere in Europe. Let a black women get fake breasts, fake bum, fake everything and were trashed as a whole. I just wish these black men were more honest and instead of making endless list of why they dislike black women with a passion………just be honest and say we view non black women  based on (hair, and skin tone) more attractive and leave it at that.

So since I was a fat teen. On the bus, not doing well in school….and 18 around the corner. I have older pictures of me when I was very much lighter. I was actual a light skin person depending on the season, but due to being in the sun a lot…even to this day and even on purpose getting darker because finally slowly they started showing beautiful darker modals in the spot light. I decided to ease off the sun. I still went out, but the only difference was I drank lots of water, put on sun screen once a day, vitamin C from orange juice and a vitamin C and that was all…don’t believe me try it if you wish. Slowly and very slowly. I became back lighter, and lighter. Like Raven S. type of light. I was no longer Kerry Washington brown. I noticed black guys treating me differently even some assuming I was a Latina. Black men started asking me out like a gentleman and not like a wild ape in heat with zero morals. One even told me he makes x amount of money and plans on buying a house soon………I was like wow I mean usually black women are labeled gold diggers and we suck at gold digging to be honest most don’t even try. I was like this is how it feels….next min I stopped using sun screen (blacks should use it anyway, but it’s a great chore) stop taking vitamins, and went back to pepsi and mountain dews and now I’m back to being treated 3rd class at that time.  Then 4th class for self tanning just because. Sometimes I think back and wonder what if I told him yea I’m Latina …I could act anyway I want to and he would just say I’m spicy …not that I have a attitude. There is a Latin guy on youtube who speaks of the double standards black men do when it comes to black women. He even says black men are ready to wife up a Latin woman who is half nake, but  a black women can be half nake and she’s trashed and called all sorts of names.   It’s not non black women’s fault their men uplift them and ours uplift them too. They simply benefit from their men pushing their image in a positive light when we had the pine sol lady and black men pretending to be black women, but in a negative light.

I love being a black woman, but it’s tough when those who are apart of you can be against you.  Because of the things I witnessed and seen…I no longer judge those who tan or lighten their skin. Do what makes you happy. Yes there are some black men who do right by their race of women, but those are super rare. Nor do I have a problem with black men dating out, but it’s how they go about it.  Like my ex coworker now. Called white men pecker wood, honkie behind their backs, but never speaks ill of the pecker wood’s daughters and women in general…odd isn’t it. I get slavery did a number on blacks…generation to generation and no one got therapy for it. Yet that’s still no excuse to degrade black women…just for being born black.

 

I had to figure out self….and no longer view myself as part of a group, but maybe a shared culture. Slowly nearing the age of 30….learning to do what I want to do. Natural hair, weaves, whatever. I always been pro surgery any way,so that’s not a hard thing to get over. As a teen I met Vanessa…..and my whole outlook really changed.

I noticed something outside of lower income areas. Thin black girls were winning. They got the red carpet treatment, BUT from other races mainly. In black culture you can be fat or skinny and treated the same it seems. Non blacks…….being thin was a blessing and something to be proud of. Not only did it get you the cute date, better clothing selection, but nice jobs, better friends, people liked your pet if they liked you, it was like magical….from then on after seeing too much skinny privilege……..I vowed never to go out with thin girls. I have seen where experienced friendly fat white women got passed up for a promotion for the thin white women. The fat white woman would always be like….I don’t understand….when I over heard the boss reason why was because she was too big. Fat people don’t deserve promotions I guess. One thing to see a skinny white girl living the life you feel you deserve, wearing the clothes you can’t fit in, but to see a skinny black girl….was too much for me sometimes. Or Vanessa getting guys attention only to find out they wanted her to ask her friend out for them. Her friend was a thin Nigerian woman very…thin. She was highly popular. Thin women of all races don’t know their worth….when a thin woman gets with a dead beat that was her choice to stay. A fat woman will get losers across the board over and over.

 

Due to being in school on and off for 8-9 years….thanks to working and trying to study for classes…I would end up dropping out a lot. Finally….I’ll be done with a general degree next year and can finally move on to university. With a general degree I hope to land a job that pays over 15 dollars a hour.

 

Right now…….

  1. I went to the dentist for the first time in over 10 years. Paid out of pocket to find 3 cavities, a rotting tooth (root canal). After root canal …..I’ll finally work towards a 5th grade fantasy of finally getting braces like my classmates did. I always wanted straight teeth and to find out that braces can fix my overbite is unreal. This all cost me near 1000$ just for dentist services ect. I got another job….just to fund my dental work and help with bills.
  2. I plan on working extra shifts to pay for driving lessons and no one will know I can drive. When I was trapped in blue and purple looking lightening going across the sky, caught in heavy rains, missed the last running bus at night after work….no one came to get me, no one ever offered to teach me how to drive….so I don’t want anyone depending on me. Wish I never accepted those two so called friendships…negative…all black girls don’t behave the same….yes I still watch cartoons, but I watch adult shows too mainly court tv, dna testing, 48 hours…and yes deep down I may watch some old school power puff girls…won’t be admitting that in public…you know black girls are not suppose to like that type of stuff. Sounds like anything fun. I’m back to wearing red lipstick after hearing a remark that it doesn’t look good on us.
  3. Thinking I still can’t believe I still have my two cats. Two cats, fat…oh no…future old maid?
  4. Hope to be out of debt someday….I want to travel over seas for affordable surgery just in case I end up having loose skin. American doctors too costly.
  5. Learning from my great grandma of a African cousin we use to have. How he coped after slavery….I wondered what happened to him, did he have any kids? What was his name? If he had kids where are they today? Explains the south African dna on my dna test then. Had a south African girl online tell me I shouldn’t have south African dna. I was like um…they didn’t just take west African slaves lol. I think the other stuff must come from my fathers side dna wise. I been curious about this African man….his history is forgotten. My highest percentage was black American, under somewhere south Africa (forgot location), then minor non black locations such as Italian, Arab, Spain…all were highly minor, but I hear people say dna testing is fake……..so were my results fake? They say for blacks that they create dna tests that go back only to Africa and feel not all of us have dna from there….so confused. on that…moving on.
  6. Been looking into jello mono….

 

Have a lot to say, but been up since yesterday…so sleepy. Its 5:27am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s like you want to be white, but yet your pro black….you confuse me. (Friendship finally over 3 months and counting…and one more to go.

July 19, 2016

I’m a very forgiving person. A understanding person who over looks flaws of others….because I am flawed. It’s rare, but sometimes I wake up happy to be in a world that is full of different races. Sometimes I wake up loving that I was born a black girl. These feelings could come from last nights sugar  high or simply just a rare feeling of amazement that I exist in a diverse world.

These days I try to explain to …extreme christian title holders (aka those who are not christian, but say so out of habit and tradition) that yes blacks are getting killed….but this been happening. Technology is only a reminder. Just like innocent children who are raped and killed….this is not new it’s just technology is helping us solve murders and media exposing it world wide. We are not in the end times…nothing is new under the sun. I try to ignore those who go into the whole these are the end of times….yawn….stop trying to have people live in fear.

This girl I mentioned in the past on my blog. She is only a year older then me. She was a black girl like me. I was staying with a friend of mines who is white (long story) anyway I met this girl due to her doing my hair. I recall this was watching…I knew it was more out of how we do our hair type of curiosity. Any way the first red flag was when she was doing my hair. She said when I’m done your going to have white girl pretty girl hair…..my mind said WTF, the friend laughed on the side. I can still hear the laugh now..and this was nearly six years ago. So we stayed in touch and I even told her later on I didn’t like her comment. She said nothing Plus the hair wouldn’t be exactly white girl pretty since it didn’t feel like a white girls hair…trust me I know. When I wear my hair in the past and a white woman wanted to touch my hair I have reached over to touch their hair too, so were equal…which usually has ended in fear of looking like two lesbians about to be in the heat of passion.

As time went on one day she said….I’m shock you don’t have a lot of white friends….she said it like hi, how are you? I was speechless…but let it go. To be honest my friends in my home state were usually black foreign girls and Cuban and there was one black American girl who I cherished. I had two Haitian girlfriends, two Cubans girlfriends,one Jamaican, and one black American (All really American, but to explain it better). They all had one thing in common….they were sane……they accepted me for who I was….I could share my secrets to them, they didn’t raise their voice just because, and none tried to get me inside a church. I was open to anyone as long as they were decent people.

Then one day she called me bougie. I remember going online for the meaning, but I knew I was to be insulted. I called my grandmother and she told me she was called that too. I called her to question what does she really mean??? She then says well it’s like your a white girl…I said HOW?! My dna no matter what says black. I look black too.

I lost it trying to explain to her that blacks are diverse. Just because I didn’t want to take her advice and have sex with black men I never met or know of…plus I have standards. A guy sexing me would be so low of me. I told her she makes me feel like I’m a animal. Like my issue is finding sex. Thats easy if you want nothing like a relationship and gross!!!!! She would over the years say you need sex maybe then youll be normal…drink heavy like her and has a actual pimp for a boyfriend I guess is normal.

Then tried twice to set me on a blind date with drug dealers …. man.

I tolerated her outbursts. She would yell and get loud…why? I said why do you get so angry so fast?! I feel since black women have to man up…..were out there striking…when we shouldn’t, taking on male roles by force I tried to explain to her I think thats why some like her get angry so fast. Her response…..just silence.

I then avoided seeing her for a year and she kept saying I’m avoiding her. And she don’t know why. I told her fine, but every time I’m with you…your rude, you know I walk slow and you out walk me, get a attitude that I can’t keep up, had total strangers laughing at us. She then says I promise I won’t be like that. She was sounding all…gentle and kind.

I felt without meeting her other friends she treated them differently compared to me.  I told her this. She said she see’s me more of a sister. I mean me and her fell out and she would come back and I would force myself to take her back. Thinking of the few decent moments we had and I would try to forget things. I told her I’m bigger then last time so…she said it’s ok, plus her other two friends are with their boyfriends and don’t have time to be with her on her bday.

She complained how they want to be with their man..I said thats normal :/ I mean it’s not their fault there not dating a pimp slash what not. I warned her again about my size. She said ok….soon as she picked me up she looked me up and down. At the restaurant she looked under the table and said my thighs look bigger and she had this wide smile on her face. When I wanted to order another slice of cheese cake  in front of the waitress told me no. We went back and forth …like I was a child.

Then too many times she waited until we got in public like in line at the store…I’m saying hi to the cashier…she then says over and over SHUT UP, SHUT UP…she enjoyed getting me mad I noticed. And embarrassed me for her enjoyment.

The final straw…………..the final fucking straw!

We were talking about the deaths at the hands of cops….I also told her we need cops. I said it’s sad that a few bad cops now makes the face of all cops when it’s not true.

We then talked about famous people and the dreaded over rated Kim k, then men and careers and fashion, and then I told her……………..I told her ………….I like this fairy music on youtube. How listening to it relaxes my mind and takes me to another place within my mind. One even brought me to tears it was so beautiful…the tunes. It’s only tunes.

This is one of my favorites:

 

I don’t know why I like it, but my mind loves it. They have other music from around the world I haven’t gotten to yet. I didn’t know as I said this she was online looking it up. Next min she said wow this really exists…you don’t hide your thoughts and who you are…I said thank you?

I mean I shared other youtube things I like in the past and we were free talking.

Then she said it…she said it. She said it’s like you want to be a white girl, but then you’re pro black. I said what did you say?!  She then says NOTHING. I mean she forgot I like R&B and oldies….likely remember me listening to Britney spears only, forget that I listen to Nicki Minji…ignoring all the dirty things she say such as nappy headed hoes in her older music, she even put me down in the past for liking old school music from Mary J, Aaliyah, TLC ect.  Yet this music was crossing white girl land. Deep down if I could not like this music to please the hidden black requirements I would.  I like rock like Linkin Park oldies, Korn oldies………I just like all music just not country.

I then tried to let it go as she got loud saying I didn’t say that!!!

The next day she denied it. Like it was in my head I heard her say that. I was done….a month pass she called…I ignored returning any of her calls…which is easy since I like to  text to be honest. She then text, so your still ignoring me? I text back yes and were not friends anymore. She says your going to throw away 6 years??? I said I should of thrown it away years ago. Your not a friend. I need a friend who will let me be….me….just me.

I told her my dna won’t change and I will be black till the day I die. I told her its a shame that if I enjoyed popeyes daily, had six kids with no father in sight …she would never judge me. Or if I had a drug dealer for a boyfriend that would be me being real back. I told her it’s like everything neg is black in your eyes…she then gets angry and textes me your accusing me of being racist to  my own race?! I said YES. She then texts get the hell off my line!!! I said ok…

Another month pass…she texts…hi. I text hi were not friends.

It was hard….I hate leaving people, but I had to.

I felt such freedom after.

This one is in her early 50’s. She has some good and then….as time goes on it seems she gets angry faster. Like rapid. She got mad at me and loud on the phone because I asked her why does she want to call a college and demand to speak to the Dean to let her skip testing?? She went off to the point I went ahead and hung up on her. My first thought was why don’t she tell a COLLEGE dean to let her skip testing because it’s hard. I am powerless and only a student myself :/ so before I hung up I recall her last words were don’t call me again! I thought thats easy….again I like to text so….this is a treat for me.

When she gives me advice such as quit my job….do this and that and when I say thats not a good idea she gets loud on the phone. I’m like wow and usually just sit the phone down and watch tv. Shes the type of black woman who would be rich helping the media say were all this way when we all know thats not true.

Black women should be allowed to cry, laugh, be angry (when it makes sense), be tired, or bored. I mean today she said my memory is real bad (she use to deep down assume I’m slow….yup I’m not the one a single parent who now works several low paying jobs…I’m the slow one. Just because I told her I wasn’t angry 4 years ago :/ . I went to apply for a job and they weren’t hiring. I recall being disappointed ….I don’t get angry fast. Usually I’m sad or just disappointed. She then gets loud as if I will say yes your right….and I see why she pretty much no longer have friends. She then gets mad and says forget it were done talking about it…I then say…she cuts me off WERE DONE.

I allowed her several times like the other girl to get mad at me…claim there leaving only to return. Very soon she’ll be out too.

I have a friend who moved. She doesn’t judge me, don’t care what I do,when we talk our voices stay the same…no raising high. Her emotions are normal like anyone else. When we have disagreements we may talk/text fast, but our voices/cap lock not on is the pretty much the same. I can call her now and say I wish this is longer vs only 2 minutes:

 

She will only say that sounds pretty good and it should be. I can say well I don’t remember feeling that way she won’t get loud and say my memory is bad.

 

Anyway when someone asked me…is that really your friend? I was …..weak and said a hard yes. I know this isn’t my friend. And this is someone I don’t plan to stay in touch with either.

We got into a heated argument last week over this guy…

He was killed by a cop recently which made many angry. I told her well…the way he died was bad, but he wasn’t a great guy either. She said well he didn’t deserve to die like that!!!!

He got a 14 year old girl pregnant when he was 20 years old, for years he sold CDS outside, I wondered how his family said he was a great guy………..yet he was living in a shelter…not with his woman and kids.

Alton Sterling Arrest Record, Criminal History & Rap Sheet [DOCUMENTS]

No one should die like that yes, but I was saying he wasn’t a great guy and she got mad.

The guy who was shot live on facebook was a great guy, then the cops recently were decent too. They were great people taken too soon.

Can’t wait to move on….

 

What happened to me….

November 17, 2015

I have gotten worse. I look in the mirror and see that everything I have become…is everything I didn’t want to be. I’m going to be real honest here. Very honest. Hopefully I don’t offend anyone, but I speak in terms of me.

I been looking in the mirror a ugly sight. The only thing I’m missing is some church clothes and several middle aged church going women all ranging from average size, fat, fatter, and fattest. My face more rounder, my eyes, nose, and lips sit on my face. Some days I want to cry other days just scream. Trapped in this fat black girls body. Growing up being a kid there were fat people of all races and gender, but being black…

I paid close attention at family members fat friends. The average sized to thin ones were not on my radar. Just the large ones and how deep they seem with religion, lack a decent guy, struggled, and all this I’m becoming and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I been on youtube  and slowly uploading my process on water fasting.

 

Life is not worth living if I’m not thin.

 

 

 

 

Is it because I’m black and fat that……

May 12, 2015

I never forgot about four years ago having my first roommate a African guy.. a guy (big mistake, but you learn. He admitted to me that he thought I would be one of those very religious black girls who could also sing. Made me think recently of a old show where you stand in a room as strangers judge you based on your race,size, clothes,height,gender,ect. I’m curious how people really see me sometimes, but some don’t want to hurt feelings and become PC. Which is fine and expected, but if given permission I want the truth! Fat or thin I understand I can’t escape stereotypes that don’t apply to me.

If I had the body like the above would you think I was greatly deep in church and took over a solo and sing it up like ms. Franklin? To big mama, Norbit, and Madea,Nutty professor of black men cross dressing acting loud,ugly,praise the lord Jesus,asexual, of the ideal black woman many seem to enjoy seeing….those of us who are fat and black get these things tagged on us before anyone gets to know us/me. Even family guy show cases black women as fat and dumb in short mini clips.

Only recently are we seeing shows such as scandal with Kerry. A beautiful, successful black woman who is having a sinful affair with the president. I never saw one show, but Kerry is not fat and is in the media. Then how to get away with murder..saw a few shows and stopped. No offense 1 gay sex scene was ok, then 2….then 3, and Im thinking when will a black woman the main star of this show get to have some fun? So I stopped. She is a middle aged, average size black woman with a lot going on. She is not obese and thats all that matters. Then that Empire show. Never saw it due to hearing about the colorism in it. Cookie is not fat based on the ads. Its a start and a breath of fresh air away from the pine sol or bigger type ladies who make everyone around them appear better in looks.

I also feel when smaller you get a better choice of friends. All sizes get their fair share of bad friends, but I feel I attract the total opposite. Some things we all share such as a better life. I ignored one for a week hoping nicely she simply go away. I got text messages and I responded (I felt kinda bad) and back to knowing someone who says N..ga as a good word and is a woman too. Everyone knows I’m against such words. I was called a N…ga in the heat of her happiness as she saw me working with the computer saying in the nutshell that I’m smart….I’m thinking do we have to use the N word :/

I can’t wait to return to my state next year…and leave some behind making them fade away in a past memory. Sadly yes they want to move with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meaning pack up everything and join me in another state even though we won’t live together. I pictured my self all thin, in a two piece swim suit, playing and being all sexy like in the sand, my cute and very faithful yet hot husband comes near with our kids and this fantasy is ruined by girlfriends coming out of nowhere saying look at my n…ga!

Im slow….because I don’t like to react fast. When someone upsets me I don’t like to tell people off asap…I know what going on. My nice trait kicks in first and if it continues…days later and then it all builds up then I get angry which either have me calling 911 or reporting you to the manager. I don’ believe in fighting really and I was thought of as slow by the same two making plans to move to my state with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup lets follow the slow one to a whole new state, the one who didn’t have any kids out of wedlock without a ring or at least not with someone very broke…yup Im the slow one.

I also still attract white girls who want to be my friend…who are fat to super fat, very rare skinny. They call their men ni…gas (yes black men), who struggle and tell me all their woes of their men problems. From his drinking, to he don’t want to work, and how he does this and that, but hey he has a big D (even without warning still get shown the D from their phones or hinted about).

I’m like if I was a skinny black girl would I attract this? I mean like would I at least have a choice like thin girls get in the dating market? You know normal friends with cute flaws or oh no so and so over spent again, but at the end of the day things are cool?

My fantasy friends are any race, no N words, its ok if shes fat or thin,but just a decent person. No one is perfect and even I have flaws. It was so nice when I was doing great in the weight loss world….omg.

I started attracting girls who were normal. White girls who exercised and were concerned of their image to the plus size white girl who wanted to lose weight as she claims for her health yet randomly mentioned wanting a boyfriend. To the thin black girl who invited me to her outing with other co-workers, she had the cutest, edgy afro, dressed always edgy rock clothes and was pretty popular, to slowly getting more invites to places I never thought of. Then there was another black girl who was like a size 2 talked to me. My weight loss was opening doors people.

Now fat me just gets invited to fast foods, cheap restaurants on the rare, school tours as a support to who ever I’m going with…………zzzzzzz.

As of now weight loss is a every day battle. I’ve been doing good lately and sadly by now if I stayed on track I would of reached goal by now. Slowly its coming off, but I have to hurry time is ticking!

Trying not to become the cat lady,proudly embracing my eating disorder its my minds way of begging for the attention I always wanted,and work

February 13, 2015

It was already bad enough being single and alone, but with cats I completed the final scene. The many times I couldn’t walk (due to bone spur in ankle) my cats would just lay there and stare at me, or play with each other , as I struggled to crawl to the bath room. For a moment I confess I decided to temp invest in adult diapers. Deep down I thought how I wish I could prove to be temp disabled. I mean if I binge eat a lot and with all my might try to stand, but can’t due to extreme pain…when all I wanted to do is take five steps to the kitchen, but can’t??? That says a lot! I was taking 6-9 over the counter meds for pain and inflammation with black coffee (since it enhances the inflammation pills) And still had a lot of pain. I looked at my cats and wish they were dogs trained to assist the  disabled  (like turning of and on lights, fetching items such as food, and being large enough to lean my weight on)

What would be nice:

Couple of years a go someone I kinda knew said I’m becoming a future cat lady. I said I would never be a cat lady! In my mind I saw myself as a slim woman, who happened to own cats when in reality I was morbidly obese, single with cats.

My life is work,pain , and my cats.

I now understand my cats, how they react and I learned of their talents.

Like since once I lay down I usually can’t walk again for hoursssssssssssss. Cats are independent pets. I whistle…..and whistle trapped in bed wanting to cuddle with my pets. Dogs on average would run towards their owners for love and attention. I have to whistle because I know it annoys them for their nap to be ruined. I don’t know how they figured this, but once I whistle a cat decided who turn it is for them to be near me (for kisses, rubs, and cuddle time) I even saw my cats look at each other as if saying you need to go up there with her this time! No you! They take turns…yes its gotten sad where even my cats know I need a life outside of them. Or I love picking one up as I sit in the chair and the meow of annoyance is priceless. Cats are not dogs. Dogs would love this. My boy cat wakes me up sometimes  3am, 4am to play fetch with his claim of toy my hair scrunchy. I will toss it non stop, he fetches , and brings it back like a dog…over and over. Sometimes I have to pretend I’m deeply asleep, but meows and meows for fetch time.

I can go on and on about my cats and deep down (as a dog person mainly) that pretty much scares me.

————————————————————————–

Its part of who I am. Nothing will change my extreme thoughts on food and body size. The damage is done based on how I been treated as someone my size.As of now my 3x pants fall down ,2x are kinda loose. I can walk sooner then waiting hours, I no longer take pills daily. I mean I took so many pills yet still suffered pain. I now just use some type of bengay cream on my ankles. I still have pain, but its not so extreme anymore(in pain rating through 1-10. Its no longer a ten, but a 8). I still limp, and I still walk too slow, but at least I can stand sooner vs before. I bite my nails I notice when I think of food, I wake up thinking of wendys, pizza hut ect. I day dream of food. Or how such and such would taste so good such as bbq, Or cheesecake ect. Yet even though I suffer such food type fantasies….daily I allow my stomach to growl, I only had 40 calories three days ago, the next 800, and yesterday 1222 calories and may just have 40 calories again today. At work three days ago a resident called me a dumb ass, mother fucker this and that, followed me saying the worst things you could say to anyone. In his 40’s and knows better. And like a Mexican resident said sometimes it can be your own people who can treat you like shit. And here was my own race saying such awful things that I cried in private with my co-worker comforting me, I cried all the way home having the bus driver and the guy I see sometimes who rides the same route trying to cheer me up, I got home and cried some more. It was hard …it was very very hard. I felt the urge to eat a whole box of cereal, to drink sugar and go for pizza, eat until I puked. Instead I allowed myself to feel all the hurt over some resident who didn’t get his way. I was in the right, he said sorry…but his sorry met nothing the next day. I been called slow because I didn’t react asap in the past (I’m nice and it over powers me telling people off asap, so only two people…who are pretty much hoodish said this about me) , or because my sister can learn things instantly when I always had to study for hours, and feeling like total shit because I’m fat, nothing to be proud of, broke, and need to get a education…but too costly. I already feel my life is just existing. So here this resident basically following me and publicly putting me down the worse way when I already feel like a failure. I thought of how my child hood should of been better not dealing with my mothers abuse, trying to call cops, nothing ever seemed right. Time flew by and next min I’m a adult.

That day I had 40 calories. I cried, allowed myself to feel hurt, even the next day, the next,and the next. I stayed clear of this resident who said could we be friends(after calling me a dumb ass, and a fucker,ect). I was honest and said I don’t feel comfortable answering that…since the true answer in my mind was HELL NO.  I know he’s sad how he treated me, he even sounds different, and no longer says he don’t give a fuck (his daily motto) I was the only one who did my best to put up with him. He saw my kindness as weakness. He told me off worse then anyone who works there. The nicer folks get the worse treatment.

1)Being thin will make things better.

2)Stop self punishing yourself.

3)Whats the point of eating that?

4)If you lose the weight you can land a better job.

I say these things through out the day to myself.

When I ate 40 calories…I felt powerful. When my stomach grumbles its odd. I hate it since I’m a binge eater, but at the same time I embrace the hunger sounds. I just sip more crystal light(5 calories) until it silents. 40 calories worth of crystal light. I embrace this. I’m a binge eater who is trying to lean the other way. I binge, may purge, and back to under eating, but it this is who I am. I know being thin will get me both positive and negative attention all due to my size. I want to be so skinny I get stares and praise. Things I want as a thin woman. I want to be noticed and get the attention I lacked. I want to feel like I do on the inside….small. I want that to reflect the outside of me. Next time Im sad and crying I don’t want to curl up and feel mounds of flesh, but I want to curl up and feel me. When people see me not eating I want people to show concern. As of now I’m don’t eat or little people don’t notice and likely thinking deep down I can afford to skip a few meals anyway. I want to feel my ribs, not huge amounts of fat.

I looked in the mirror and slowly I’m getting a figure again. My body is fighting and trying not to lose weight at all. The more it fights the less I have to eat. Its hard. I would love to sit back and go back to binge eating on cheap foods.

When people see me outside walking in a slowish pace, limping,driving by me thinking man….(lets be honest)..

Why are black women so fat…mean while other races in scooters passing by also morbidly obese or worse/same as me.

I just want to be thin so bad………….

I been feeling down still after that resident. Already over worked, under paid, tired, and alone (girls don’t count). Right now its my focus on food and not eating food that gives me some form of life. I don’t know how to explain it.

Lazy employee, diets, future.

January 30, 2015

Lazy cna been with us for a month. From day one I was begging him do this and that. And its wearing me out. Refuse to chart (will catch up to him soon since nor the others are willing to do his) A male aide I heard sometimes they work around all us women and think were open to take on the load including take out the trash no matter how heavy, encourage us to lift grown adults alone. I say BS! He moans and groans since I make sure he does his work or it doesn’t get done. I help, but not into being taken advantage of.  In a nursing home he enjoys sitting, getting on his IPAD when needed and doesn’t like to be bothered. I believe because he works two jobs he gives his all to the other job and comes slacking big time on the one I’m at. Tonight its 10 minutes before I have to clock out and catch the bus. He is sitting there and smiling at me as I ask whats his problem? Long story short his resident needed help. I told him I catch a bus at and if I miss it I end up getting home when its nearly 12am the next day! I don’t live far from this job its just night time public transportation is awful. I told him over eight times I will go with you to her room. He then instructs me to care for his resident. I said no! I told him I believe you take my kindness for weakness. I told him I feel you think I will give in. I said ok….his resident is waiting for him. Long story short I clocked out and he saw me telling another aide about his ways. I looked at him and only thing that came out was….sick…sick….sick! The resident even told me he doesn’t want to help me. Im tempted to report his ways. I hate causing a stir but… also again I got a email from a hospital there reviewing my application now. I’m ready to move on for better pay and a new environment. The hospital is not located in the best area which is a concern to me, and it is a little ways out. Instead of 30 minutes to work it would be a hour going and coming vs 30 going and hour returning home. I then would be able to pay down some debt and finally get my first car sooner or later and should be easier to save. Its like the good out weighs the bad.

Been brain storming my next diet. I’m over the banana island. I tried that for a few hours and started craving great things that could go with these bananas. Like banana smoothie, banana in that strawberry and chocolate special k cereal, banana and whip cream and ice cream. The ideas were endless. Been thinking of egg fasting, or fruits…but certain fruits trigger a cereal binge. Fruit and cereal are always a great match. I just need rapid weight loss on food that tastes good, not too triggering and I can see myself doing at least a week.

The pain in my ankles and what I see in the mirror everything is pushing me not to give up. Last night as I was falling asleep. I felt my upper arm fat, so soft, so huge, so hanging. My stomach very round and my thighs appeared huge in the tv’s glaring light. For a 3rd time I dreamed of my future son. Gender doesn’t matter to me, but its my longing for my own future family.

I missed out on dating in my teens and everything that goes with being a teen, my early 20’s are gone and I’m nearing my 30’s. Its like time is going by so fast and yet to lose weight it seems. Well fast enough and not to regain any.