Archive for the ‘Thin woman moment’ Category

The average life/day of a nurse assistant who wants a very different lifestyle. *May offend some, but not intended…warning.

January 10, 2016


Like most nurse assistants we call nursing homes the slave plantation. Residents by habit call us nurses. We correct them, but it never sticks. Which makes it appear like a bunch of nurses are doing all this work for you.

The average nursing home is made up of:

1st shift- Four nurses, eight aides 6am-2pm
2nd shift- Four nurses, eight aides 2pm- 10pm
3rd shift- Two nurses, four aides 10pm-6am

The Head nurse is called the D.O.N
Then usually two A.D.O.N (Assistant to D.O.N)

Nurses are made up of LVNs aka the slave masters aka more so the over seers. The nursing station itself is created to watch us from a distance where they don’t have to leave their soft seats.

Nurses tend to be racial wise: Nigerian mainly, Ethiopian, and a few white, and few Black/African American.

Nurse assistants are usually black mainly from other countries, few black/African Americans. And at rare one white girl….who usually quits within months and they too usually view nursing homes as plantations as well.

The average nurse assistant/aide deserves a min. of 15 dollars a hour, but due to people coming from other countries taking the nurse assistant jobs…the pay stays low. The pay can increase, but if your desperate for a job such as me or from the poor part of your country 9 a hour is great! As a new Cna short for nurse assistant. A African lady was happy such as I to land their first cna job. She was making 7.50 at a day care. She was offered 9 a hour and she was very over joyed. Well….3 months later she wanted to return to the day care and said they over work us for this small pay. Sadly her job was filled…and she was stuck slaving away with the rest of us.

Things that you go through as a nurse assistant:
*This is from ALL the nursing homes Iv’e been at.

1) Called blacky or black bitch (If your dark skinned, this happened to some.
2) You may have to work through your 30 min lunch break. No one gets a 15 min break.
3) Residents laughing that you just changed their diaper, but they just wet and poo again
4) Residents slapping you, punching you, spitting at you, or like me kick dropped to the floor by sweet innocent grandpa. None of this gets in the news. Only if they are the victims. Nor will the aide who was punched semi blind by sweet dear ol grandpa she tried to get clean.
5) Nurses pointing to call lights on…they refuse to answer it. LVN nurses are highly lazy and could be why hospitals rather Rns. Sometimes when you answer it you find out they want medicine, then you have to walk alllllllllllllllll the way to nurse to tell him/her so and so wants meds when if they answered the light…
6) Residents are lonely. They push the call light a lot for mino things, to talk, problem is 20 plus residents need actual care.
7) When nurses dont like you they may give residents pills to give them the runs ON PURPOSE. To punish the aide when she/he …mainly the shes. Residents sometimes need help to poo, but sometimes its given out of evil.
8) Lazy aides who hide which leaves all the work to you.
9) Poo due to meds, and other meds, and gross nursing home foods…the poo is so strong and so smelly that my nose and eyes run and had to get out, which made the whole entire halls smell bad.
10) Family wants their mom or dad ect #1 or else……remember you can never get a 15 min break, under paid, on your feet lot, get abuse from residents…who know how to act when family comes….they want their love one number 1 and to pretty much get one on one care…….well its us vs 20 plus residents who have love ones who want their love ones number one.
11) No matter how young or old you are, you will feel pain. You have to lift heavy large and tall people, or tall and solid weight people who refuse hoyer lifts. Your on your feet a lot.
12) Family members don’t want to touch your hand because they saw you clean their love ones back side caked with poo….the places your hands go. Soaking hands in bleach after work doesn’t take the feeling away.
13) Again very lazy lvn/lpn nurses who people view as heros of the medical word (eye roll) nurses rather look for a already busy aide for 10 min then to change so and so. ALL nurses are trained in nurse assistant skills before becoming Nurses, but they are too good to do it.


1) The D.O.N and A.D.O.N wears scrubs DAILY like its nurses and aides. Anyway who is a nurse who wears regular clothes is a sign of laziness. They plan on looking good, but not working hands on if needed.

2) Living assistant homes are the greatest. The labor is normal, aides barely quit because the work load…is human. Not where they have to decide on a lunch break or being behind.

3) Ask if the nurses change diapers too. If they say we have aides..RUN. Iv’e seen nurses on allllllllllllll shifts manage to find time to sit, talk on their phones you know no hands needed, talk to each other, and get more sit time when they chart (cnas tend to have to stand and chart…hmmm)
And sometimes nurses do stay late anyway…won’t hurt if they helped their aides. Nurse aides are to assistant not slave and do all.

4)See if you can find a honest aide. Some nurses take lazy to a new level. They have the aides give the meds and try to get us to work with the ostomy bag and oxygen tanks when were not suppose to. Aides would be honest, but many fear you will say so and so….we have bills.

5)They want your money. They want it badly. Ask the pay of nurse assistants. If they give a range (which is usually a lie) ask to speak to three random aides and ask of their pay. The lowest a aide should make is 12 a hour…if she/he says 12 ask how long they’ve worked here. If over 2 years leave! Usually cnas sadly get 10 or 10 sometimes and at rare 11. A low paying aide means they have two or three cna jobs on the side….do you want a aide who cares for your love one tired and worn out? I seen med aides and nurse aides come to work with red eyes from their other job….


After being kicked dropped, slapped, a resident tried to touch me after putting her hands in her mouth. I just want out. I applied at in and out burger on Friday aka 1/8/16. They said if I pass interview part one with him I will get a call between then or today sunday……… call yet ūüė¶
And at this hour of 7:40pm I doubt I passed.
I wish I could make fries and burgers for a decent wage and continue my education.
Cleaning poo and pee, being yelled at by upper staff…is very fat friendly. All the in and out employees were diverse. BUT everyone was skinny and the men fit or very close to fit. The women were super skinny to the fattest employee looked like a size 12, but all the others a size 4-6. ¬†At least I went I thought….maybe fat people deserve a check until they can become skinny to get hired at decent places. In and out burger don’t mind fat customers at least…


I live alone, my rent increase…..Im finally a sophomore in college after I pass ONE class. ¬†But since I been thinking of going PRN at the nursing home aka work when they have the hours and if I agree to work it vs be on their full time schedule and dealing with mess …full time. Its a risk because my bills are full time not part time. About four-five times almost risk losing my place. I need to look for a different job, but can’t handle where Im at and all the write ups I get and abuse from residents I get. I told D.O.N. not to yell at me over the phone and just talk to me like I am talking to her…next min she finds something to write me up about. If PRN I won’t be a regular and on her radar anymore. I been wanting out, but problem is like many other cnas with our experience its rare any one wants to give us a chance. Hospitals like aides with hospital experience. It never ends.


Right now I struggle financially, I work at a job with no value and no decent pay.  My mind wants a skinny body with dates, outings, shopping for clothes, and being active and looking great even in the worse clothing choices. I want surgery for skin lift, and a lift in the chest area. I want to feel my bones not soft fat everywhere.

Gets ready for another shift full of poo and pee…and hits….

Never wear make up because what my face will be expose to….

2016 has to be my year it has to….

Why did I see this on my dash…Fucking spoilers




Next post I make: So I told my friend instead of think like a man act like a lady. Why not think like a thin white girl and act like a lady instead?

Didn’t go well, but hear me out on why! On next post.

Trust me I watch my surroundings reason why this blog will someday will be taken down…

Bye Bye…

Off to work…does deep breath…


What makes thin women beautiful- Im careful I don’t appear like a lesbian

May 6, 2013

I was thinking back some years to have seen the first ever plus size woman who looked above a size 18 married to a decent, successful upper middle class man. Their home was med/large.
They had a smart daughter who was friends with my sister, the mom stayed home cooking her family treats, and heavy meals and they were so well off they threw away their left overs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After each meal it all went out!!! Not all well off people do that, but they did.

Seeing a couple like that or the few minority of positive relationships with larger women gives most of us hope. Even made me believe that hey I too can have a sane, educated guy or a guy who wants to be educated, or has a business, or just the cute starving artist who has a job at star bucks, but problem is many of these type of guys don’t exist. Disney even knows that!

I do believe plus size women are beautiful if dressed correctly (its hard for me to dress my body, but I can dress Barbie¬†really good!) Plus size women were in big time and still are in more hunger stricken¬†places of the world. A large woman met health, and that she would survive…which is true. If all food was taken away a thin person would die off sexy, ideal and all first.¬† Very old pics of women were never so thin. A thin women back then was not the first on a mans list. In this era in Hollywood when doing films¬†of the old days somehow the women were really thin when in truth …thats a lie. Some were plus size, some average size in todays standards.


Its true closet bbw lovers exist I heard of them online, but at the end they too go for what is considered ideal size for a woman.

Lets say this woman below is sweet, caring, is part of the organ donation, respects others, and helps tutor at a locale center:


Now for example reasons lets say this woman use to steal, drinks a lot I mean a lot, will curse you out in public, and is pretty much only about herself and maybe you if she needs something:



I read aol crime news daily and women who end up killing their men are thin women it seems more so then a plus size woman. Why? Not saying skinny women are all crazy because it takes nerves of steel to not go for seconds up to 5ths.

True news piece from years ago. A former model killed her long term¬†boyfriend. A FORMER MODEL killed her long term boyfriend. Meaning this was a thin woman, not a former bitter model who now enjoys food and hates how models have to be thin…meaning she lost any possible way of becoming a model again not that she cared back then..anyway.

Just notice how the big and small stories of women attacking and killing their men. Why the men put up with so much because she is just oh so beautiful from the neck down or maybe she is beautiful from the head down, but doesn’t matter. A man into plus size women may…may put up with a little, but he is out or maybe he was out and you were fine? Either way men know their are¬†many bbw/plus size women to choose from their is no shortage of us.

The former model’s FAMILY even told the guy shes¬†crazy, had bipolar and to leave her ect. nope she is skinny and he is staying! I won’t and don’t have to list the news stories now and in the past years of thin women doing this because men put up with it. I believe its fear of dropping her and never finding another thin woman.

America went from weight gain ads to weight loss.

The media is powerful very powerful.

I don’t have cable at all and can see how people can view blacks so wrongly, the blacks in the media is thinking of their pockets only and those who see their behavior then view blacks as hey thats¬†how we all are. Just like plus size women are the butts of all jokes….never the large size man. I mean I seen a dating ad and a guy label himself sporty when he was heavy and huge :/

The media says its ok to be a guy with a beer, but a women must be thin.  Men see the ads of thin women dressed revealing, high heels, always the desired one and this goes on for many many years to the point if a guy steps outside the box and gets with a plus size woman he is questioned by friends as if he is depressed!

The only thing that can beat a thin woman is a fit, very good looking guy. Not fit and butter face (women know when they see butter face, men seem to ignore it).

A fit, and good looking man who knows it will melt a thin woman quickly and tables are turned. She knows he can leave for another skinny without problems, it may drive her crazy to the unnatural extreme or hope this could be her husband! (why studies say to date and marry ugly men for a reason…)

The media is so powerful, the ads, billboards ect.

The only way girls as a whole will get larger and thin is not in….is if world wide¬†we lack food, fast foods shut down, and everyone is a size zero to 6. Soon the sight of a plus size woman will be in, in ads, bill boards as young and older girls struggle to eat just one more slice of pie.¬† Run way models would have full cheeks, hips, and sexy walks in heels. The new extreme size is not a 20, but a 30.¬† No longer will size 0 be the cream of the crops of thinness.¬† Their will be talk shows of crying girls saying how they want to be larger, but can’t stop not eating as much as others. And just like a lone thin girl in whole foods instead guys will be rushing over to the plus size woman in the frozen section asking if she needs any help even though he doesn’t work there. There will be new diet plans on how to gain ten pounds in a week, or how our thyroids are making us thin.

So based on that plus size will never be in as main stream.

My aim is that I tell myself today if I can lose x amount of weight I can quit and work at hooters or some other male top place with my padded bra (yes hooter girls do this I found out) and spanx.

Some thin girls have legs to me that belong to a teen.  Im trying to see what guys are seeing. Lucky I appear to be texting.

Some thin girls have the faces of fat girls, but thin bodies, no body is perfect at all.

Guys see the mainstream media ideal.


People claim the media has nothing to do with it, but its how I got started:

I never understood why the boys in 5th grade just tolerated me…I was annoying, one chased me until we were both tired and made up when we both saw we had failing report cards. I had three boys who liked me at once. I felt ok telling the popular guy of the class room I wanted him to be my boyfriend breaking the heart of one the most who liked me.¬† I thought this was normal and that all guys should be happy I was around, I love to play, make jokes and was active playing ball or getting in trouble for stepping on a worm that later becomes a butterfly…yes I was in time out during play time too. 5th grade was a happy grade when not very fat.

Middle school hit and all this change, and dealing with my ex step dad who stole our home, moved his mistress in we had no money to fight him ….drama and awful stuff and I got bigger…and bigger. Yes I had binges in the past when step dad at the time was near who called me a pig for drinking the last cup of water…I sure would love to be a water drinking pig today!

Time went by and the bigger I got the guys who spoke slang, pants hanging were the ones checking me out, then that one rare guy who had more ex girlfriends then I felt he should have for his age…me zero ex or boyfriend.

At 18, I became magazine happy. I had tubs of magazines. I had so much I placed them in bins to hide away. Magazines of these thin women took me in. I never liked the the¬†phat body, or the idea of being called thick, but these swan like women with gentle bodies that deserved love, and someone to save them, and their undying beauty took me. I found both black and white models and soon they were on my wall. I guess I became a little obsessed. I made sure not to place the butter face models on my wall because I didn’t want to have to see their faces daily like that.

Some years later I been told I was the perfect girl, but fat. Or if I was a size zero he would take care of me …yes from men.

It never ended and I did cry. Its like if I wasn’t fat I could of had that job or that other one or that great guy or his brother instead.

Each year I got older was another dateless year another year alone and made me bitter and pretty much hated men.

I then thought that well I want this type of guy not that one, so a guy has a right to want that skinny butter fact size 2 but not the pretty face size 4. We all have choices.

I swear I never be fat again.


My aim is to be smaller then my ex assistant watermelon chicken joke cracking self, be smaller then any black girl they have ever seen for my height. I want people mouths to drop. I feel being thin will make people focus on that not anything else. Plus I can land a great guy and a better job, and perfect fashion. My dream will come true! Yes I watched Disney growing up.

size 18 pants falling down, broken scale,learning about thin women clothes,being thin doesn’t mean life is over…EAT, increased male attention,and why someday this blog will be forever removed

March 29, 2013

Im back. I still managed to keep my job after all that drama so far in the past. This March marks a year being there. The longest I been at any job….

Next month going to pay in full, so I can get my blood drawing license.

Today was my second driving lesson and I have mastered not doing wide turns, and my braking is still perfect from the first lesson she taught me how to brake without us both going forward lol.

Life is blah, but decent. I started a another full time job….couldn’t handle working 6am to 2pm then 3pm to 11pm the same day. I quit for that reason and others such as cursing, rude residents. I applied at mc Donalds … I got hired on the spot as part time, but they have to see if they can get me on another day for orientation since I can’t put my real job on hold again. If not can’t take the job.



My pants size 18 are dropping yet the scale is telling me I am gaining :/

People at work are amazed and ask what Im doing yet the scale says Im bigger and shouldn’t be even able to get into my size 18.

My scale had me depressed for a few days and had a greek yogurt with honey and fresh berry binge. Strange yes, but put all that together and you will get its a tasty binge!

I now have to wear a belt with pants aka a 18, I said ok this scale is lying!

My weight unknown. I could be 240, 230? Just don’t know. This coming pay day I will buy a new one to find out. Here I am depressed and yet look smaller to everyone else.


Learning about thin women clothes

Being the former 300 pound girl. I wore large shirts and pants/jeans. I wore short shorts (that went to the knees aka camper shorts) only once when I was like 17. Two girls looked at my legs in disgust and I never wore them again. Im 25 and oddly never threw them away. I guess a part of me wants to put them on again someday and brave it. At 300 they wore kinda tight. I think I can fit them now. Since I work for a high retail store that sells pricey name brand stuff. I mean the shirts for these thin girls are really dresses, they have these odd names for items I never dared looked at due to my size. If I did would only hurt me. I can’t even spell the name of these things. It has always been shirt, jeans the end. Thats why I like my stock team its pants and shirt the end. No dressing up like sales people everyday. I have to learn on top of everything else on thin dressing. I have a idea, but some clothes make zero sense to me. On top of understanding if a guy says hi to me he really means me (not always the case Im still fat, but now…..)


Being thin doesn’t mean never eating again!

There are smart thin girls who make it look like they eat and do nothing, then silly ones who everyone sees that ok thats why she is thin. My friend with HOURS of exercise, and eating under x amount of calories has managed to get a date offer. I told her were still fat girls, but not extreme as before, so go date….but never take it serious. Fat girls are known as a guys best playground. Some stay since it is fun, cool to hang out in, and not bad at all. Some guys see this play ground as a visit and out….nothing serious only to see his face book updated of his found soul mate size 4.

Its ok to date as a plus size person, but don’t have your hopes up too high until he makes it clear he wants you! As a thin girl your hopes can be super high and if he leaves you then yes be shocked and hurt since the chances of that happening as a real slim lady is just about the same as winning the lotto.

My friend worked hard…I mean here I was eating 300-500 calories which is hard, BUT she was eating maybe 600-800 and EXERCISE. She didn’t want to ruin her diet and results with one simple date. I told her the whole point of our weight loss is to GET A DATE then MARRIAGE. I mean I was thinking why lose weight just because? Ok health (yawn), but still!

I told her to exercise like 30 min hardcore before the date to get her body in calorie burning mode. Eat like a fat girl (aka like I want to) order steak, mash potatoes, a drink with calories in it……the thinner you are and the more you eat like a plus size lady…guys love this! They hate a thin date….who eats like she is thin. Twisted yes, but they want Barbie with a appetite.

After date just do 20 min exercise, the next day eat real low to fight off yesterday. Or other means to release food….The end.

Thats another reason why I love pro ana girls they are on it! Notice how some of them take pictures of themselves eating or pretending to bite into some huge burger, or making a video of them eating this large plate of food? They are only fooling the public and once the camera is off that could be it for the whole day, or a hour or two of jogging ect. or better hardly eating the next day.


Increased male attention.

My crush I use to have is..even more talkive. I mean I didn’t have to say good morning to get any talk out of him. The other guy who was nice….but is nicer. I mean he is talking even more to me, the serious guy who see me every morning without a word said hi. I noticed when I did slip up and gain all that shut down! Its like I know people are noticing, I even inspired a co-worker who only saw me and felt she too needed to try. I mean if I can shade some weight so could she right? I got kinda nervous with my former crush I asked him is he ok? He is being too nice. I mean thats not normal….I looked in the mirror and thought oh yea I forgot Im losing weight and carried on. Recently my fav co-worker I saw who i didn’t see in a good moment lost weight! She is white and I recall in the middle of last year this super fat black girl had the nerve to hint to her about weight loss. I was shocked when she changed the subject quickly (this happens to me with my own race…part of me likes to talk about weight loss with others even if Im not losing. Such as a 400 pound black lady cut me off real fast. Just like sports is a guys favorite mines is diet….for life.) I thought ok maybe she has a black boyfriend somewhere and talked her into believing she is trim and almost anorexic with love handles. My race and other races who date black men who do complain about fat women, but will run to one fast!! And make you feel you need even more meat on your already meaty bones.

I was wrong and she looked amazing! I was like how can she come from a culture thats pro slim and vouge……even if she never lost A pound the desire I thought would be there.

Outside of work I get attention. No not homeless men and pant saggers without a cause. Average guys who appear normal. Its not daily, but I see improvement.


This blog is here for now, but not forever.

I will create a another blog in the future just pics of my thin self posing with fries and a double patty whooper. Or french kissing a cupcake in my size 2/4 clothes, or looking sexy into the camera making sure my collar bones are showing, with mini posts about how I eat 2000 calories a day, telling women if a guy don’t like you at a size 16 then leave him! As I hit the gym praying I can burn off yesterdays cupcake so I can look real trim for my future hubby. Taking pictures of me as a new era betty Crocker with a smile, pics of me cleaning with a larger smile…..hey that blog will be linked to my dating ad and will be given to guys interested in me in person! I won’t be a fake either I would really cook and clean for a guy I like! I will even have pics of me in wedding dresses to hint that if you don’t like this pic you can go and LEAVE marriage minded guys only.

My life will be filled with me being thin. Making sure the guests drinks have calories and mines don’t. Making sure to empty a 20 oz mountain dew and fill it with water (no one can tell whats in that green bottle) and drink it and have people amazed how I can drink just about five 20 oz bottles of sugar and acid and yet stay so skinny its unreal!

The smaller I get the stronger the urge I been having to bring in sweets, and goodies to my thin co-workers and hope they transform into me. The bigger they can get the happier I will be. Its twisted that I want others to be happy too, but deep down the increase in obese people will allow me and my friend to stick out in a sea of plus size ladies.

My blog shouldn’t exist. I want to join the love yourself the way you are crew ūüôā

Don’t worry about having decent hairstyles that fit you, girl go wild like a untamed bird :D, don’t worry about choosing a hair color that fits you (go with the famous person you like), go crazy!

Curse like a sailor, pick you nose in public and like the hood says do you!

We dress right for a interview, we understand we should wait our turn, we change ourselves without knowing it to fit in sometimes or to stand out either way if we can do all that why do many not understand that you may have to do the same to attract the type of person you want?

If being a better looking person means being a size 2….bring it! My stomach still chit chats at times, but it is so worth it!

Date or brownie

Cute guy checking me out or thug lovin checkin me out

Fashion or walmart clothes ONLY (not sometimes, but only…I refuse to spend alot on fat clothes)

I will continue to blog here for now, but my blog ……don’t want too many to think and say hmmm she has a point. Too many thin girls exist already as it is!


*I warm a cup of water at work on 70-88 minutes. I sip on it to stop the desire for food when I know Im not hungry. It helps vanish cravings.

*If possible I take a nap tired or not. Alot of times im tired and craving food to help keep me up. After a nap I no longer crave or feel hungry for a few hours.

*If I pulled a no no….the shower head is removed so water shoots out like a hose. I drink water first( a good amount!), get in shower and allow the hose to hit the back of my throat makes you gag…..and then…um splash? Do this at most twice a month to none.

*Buy a box of fiber one bars the 35% and eat the whole box and drink water too. This is extreme and yes has calories….but makes you do a serious…..and better then lax tea. Do this on the rare and your stomach will hurt.

*Self talk alone when no one is near. I mean talk out where only your ears can hear it. Self talking in the mind is not taken serious, but when you hear yourself….even if you slip up the chances are less higher then just in the mind….yes I do this almost daily lol.

*This is hard for me since Im the clean your plate type of person. This morning I bought a pancake wrap. I ate half and threw it on the ground fast….yes regret hit me, but worth it. By tasting my food the pancake wrap from 7-11 I tasted the freezer and box it came from, low quality food. The old me eats anything good or not in taste and since I have issues letting it go still I threw it to the ground. My future children will thank me or they would never exist!

Good night for now….zzz 12:21am

Dark side of being thin, from a outside view.

March 8, 2013

Just think your that pretty faced, or butter faced girl, you may dress like a boy or your gender, but it doesn’t matter your thin.

Many….many years ago a plain Jane girl didn’t have a chance even though she was thin, but the top heavy, size 4 classmate with sparkling eyes got all the attention. She was outgoing, knew how to make people like her, funny, and daring. Plain Jane stayed home or hung out with the few outcasts she knew or alone, she was boring. Back then…way back you were judged based on your personality.

Watch popular shows as proof, a guy around many thin women he has to choose from. This would be a skinny girl nightmare. The guy judges the woman based on who is the hottest, who matches the traits he likes in a woman…meaning he sees that she is thin, BUT it takes more then being thin when around many other thin women.

Myself and my friend were talking a few months ago how we need to move to the fatest¬†state of America. Not only would we win every time, but a guy would be so grateful he would be on his best behavior. A place like South beach, or the good areas of LA thin women are everywhere and already been under the knife to look even more perfect. And if your skinny like them…and they are skinny….yea.

Today Plain Jane has a better chance these days, as large people increase the cute, button nosed, hotty maybe a size 16 , but plain Jane is a size 4…………

Me and my friend see it countless times a really good looking guy with the most average looking woman in the room.

I thought I saw a gay couple two months ago holding hands….nope as they came closer it was a woman wearing a trucker looking hat, large pants, and a shirt good enough to chop lumber in holding hands with a decent looking guy.

My friend sent me pics of a guy she liked, but also sent me pics of the women he picked her over……………I am not joking when one skinny girl looked like a thin MAN, not boy, but MAN, the other one had a huge nose, and aged face, but was skinny. I was not shocked, but you can never get over it. My friend dresses nice, nice facial features, and has a lot going for herself and dress to the 9’s most of the time. Yet this guy wanted to marry one of those two. I wish I had the pictures!

But back to the point.

Your thin….and this happens alot. Your a size 2 arm candy.

You get hurt in a accident¬†so you can no longer jog that hamster circle, you have to be on life saving meds that causes you to gain weight even though you changed nothing about your eating habits, or you are carrying his child and gain 5-10 pounds some women gain 100 (no I don’t believe thats¬†from child!) anyway you brought life into this world that is a part of your soul mate, your¬†for ever¬†more, your till death do you part, your a parent and you snack on the kids foods, your stressed ect soon he is bringing up your weight.

In general many former thin women cry or get mad not understanding that it was your weight that attracted him….not your wild clubbing nights, or how you spent his money without him knowing, or how you did charity for kids, or that you gave one of your kidneys to his mom, or how controlling you are…nope.

He may cheat, go online and find people who tell him too I mean he didn’t marry a fat girl right.

Yet turn the tables around and he gets fat its ok he is a man!

You know its ok for a football fan of a guy to be fat and bloated, but the girls better come thin and perky!

The dark side of being thin is thinking that all these favors you gotten, or a guy insisting to help you, or a awesome deal you snag…again, only to gain weight and your whole world falls apart.

I have past¬†memories of being thin, having guys chase me only to get fat and not understand why the guys didn’t put up with my annoying ways, or no longer interesting.

I thought I was just ugly out of no where so no biggie.

Former thin girls see the difference, same girls who would deny this back then.

Like one said after she went from a size 2 to a 10 the same guy who every day ran to open the door for her no longer.

Or how their men are looking elsewhere at smaller women.

If it was all about¬†personality I wouldn’t be blogging here single.\

If you been large all your life you wouldn’t know it is greener on the otherside.

I been told many times how funny I am, how am I single, and if I was younger I would date you (yea right if younger you would go to thinner women too!)

Its the sad truth.

As Im back to getting close to my 240’s I saw a guy glance at me kinda looking, but carried on.

At 130 its game over.

My life should be a movie!

But I know it would be the most hated movie and secretly loved too.


1) Try not to be a thin women in a very thin area if so understand the guy has many choices.

2) Once thin stay thin! Even if a relationship doesn’t work out another guy is waiting even if you don’t know it.

3) Being thin has its perks, but its a huge blow to see how you are less respected once you gain.

4) Being plus size doesn’t mean life is over, but more so on the side lines.

5) All thin women can gain weight through age ect.


Im back and my trip to Florida was awful and so is my weight.

March 2, 2013

I don’t like Texas, I do like Florida. I like Florida because its diverse in races, the beach, and Cubans are there BUT it wasn’t daily like it is in Texas where I hear loud blasting Latin music. I hate loud blasting rap music too, but you can sometimes get what they are saying….still not a fan of rap too racist for me.¬† Rap mainly now is I hate white men they put us down blah blah blah, I want to have sex with you and all these whores, we gotta get us a white woman, too bad that girl is dark skin she would look better red type of garbage. So maybe I should view the loud Latin music as better? Least I don’t understand anything.

I stick to my Britney spears, Janet Jackson, Jem, and that song sail away type of music, or Korn, Nirvana type of rock.

I left Texas to Florida (for days before the trip!) with thoughts of tons of photos, going out (which is rare of me), meeting a cute guy who at least sees me even at my size, I was so excited! I miss all the Haitian people hearing them, seeing them, I miss the Cubans with their accents, I miss the whites there with their pro tan selves, I miss going to the beach, I miss my family, I miss the island food they sell in florida, I miss the Jamaicans who say tree instead of three (yes they really do), I miss the florida culture of it all. Florida is not perfect, but it is home.


On the way there I was able to take my 250 pound self at 5’10 in height and hop on spirit airlines, and buckle with ease! I felt like I was on weight lose cloud nine ūüôā memories…


We landed and feeling 50 pounds away from average some what. I saw my mom after almost a year again.

Make a long story short.

I had arguments¬†over my seven year old sister….she is hyper…she does have adhd…..and going back and forth, I had to help I tried so hard! Its like were all adults, my mom had another child later in life, she is disable going back to school, my other sister didn’t want to be bothered….at the end no matter what I said, or tried to get her excited about education, or throw a threat at her like I will turn off sponge bob …she refused to do her homework, anything! After 12 days I now get why no one wants to be bothered too much. My mom at the end talked more clam, I told her all that yelling back with her does nothing, also I don’t believe in spankings either. My sister when she was 5 threw a high heel at my head, the pointy part got me. I was in such pain I had to sit locked up in the bathroom. I don’t believe in spankings. Just take what she likes away for a moment.

My vacation was more of helping my mom, I did become depressed that she can’t walk like she use to and may have MS, and dealing with my super clean freak grandmother for 12 days! Hearing my little sister scream that she doesn’t want to read, she screamed because I turned the tv off too, I couldn’t sleep. I lacked SLEEP, and you need sleep for your weight too.

My teenage self came back. I found myself BINGING for 12 long days.

I felt my pants get tighter, my joints felt worse, I struggled with standing I felt that heavy! I thought how did I move at this size? I was so use to¬†being big that I never thought anything of it until 50 pounds were off me. I found myself holding on to stuff more just to go upstairs and down. I binged daily and through out the day to the point yes all my hard work went down the drain I hate to admit it I really do. Today 267! At first for the first three days my body fought to stay in its 50’s.

No exercise , just sit and eat. I couldn’t exercise because so and so wanted to use their tv or lap top. My dvds couldn’t go anywhere. In my grandmothers large room things are nicely put where I didn’t see true space to really exercise along with the video.
I never felt so bad in my life! I was ready to go home to be able to sleep, not hearing a demanding toddler, to focus on repairing my weight loss. I came so close to leaving on a earlier flight!

The last two days out of 12 became normal. I got the family together, and we all agreed my sister needs to go to some form of summer camp to give everyone a break. The last two days made me miss my family again. I will live on my own, I could never move back in the same house no matter how much I save. I lived with them all that stress for years of my life, good moments exist too, but the scale…… I can’t become the 312 pound teen again the highest I been ever.

I refused to go out due to the weight gain, my clothes felt tighter, I felt like a failure. Now back to the drawing board. Back to my foods. My mom cooked sweet yams, bbq chicken, smothered pork chops, a large chocolate cake was there too, mac and cheese, and after we all ate that large amount of food in five days, we moved on to fast foods, and bowl after bowl of cereal, my stomach looks like its hanging badly again :(. Nothing wrong with the food if eaten in very small portions along with some form of movement.

All this damage will be fixed in five days. I will be back to my 50’s in five days. Three more days to be 250 exactly.

Im home in my apartment, my dvd player set up, all my work out dvds are ready and so im I.

The end of march I will be a size 16. This trip was a set back a huge one.

Lucky me my boss called me yesterday saying don’t come until Tuesday so before everyone at work can see me at my worse I can repair it by 50 percent.


I took the bus in Florida to get sand and shells for the folks of Texas. The bus drives along with beach. Women tanning, men tanning. I tried tanning as a teen and felt I was going to die to the point I put myself in the ER. The sun felt amazing for 5-10 minutes then my body broke out in air bubbles on my stomach…….laying in the sun takes good genes and talent. I then learned of being sun sick. Yes Im¬†considered black, BUT¬† the sun is not our friends. Sun screen is a blessing.

All those tanning folks, I was ok………………until I saw the thin jogging women…I wasn’t ok. Yes men were jogging, but Im¬†not a man. The women were jogging, pony tails are swooshing, even one had her dogs fur blowing in the wind in their jog ūüė¶

I felt like the fat pine sol lady I became in only 12 days.  All I saw in the reflection of the bus window was a fat brown grizzly girl.

All those women on the beach only went to show off their thin bodies in two pieces.

If it made sense to wear two pieces in stores, school ect they would do so 24/7. Lucky for those of larger sizes its mainly done by the beach.


I can fix this.


Once you start binging, mentally its hard to stop and slow down. I got back to Texas a day and a half ago. I just got myself together and no longer binging. Yes pretty fast, but I have to be thin! My future husband is out there somewhere!


New goal is a size 2.

Some men are saying size 4 is fat! Size 4 is not fat. I will allow myself to be a 2 for a good moment of my life. Then go to a 4.

We will see.


I am happy and thrilled to say at 5am I woke up to…..*Drum roll* please…, plus how my weight is effecting others

February 12, 2013


Today I woke up at 5am for work, thinking about the 1000 and some calories I ate yesterday (I believe 1100)

I had to weigh myself. I hate it when I feel the scale maybe the same or worse inches up a ounce or pound. I been trying so hard, forcing myself to

stop eating passed that 1000 and some mark. I was thinking can the scale please be forgiving?

As always semi nude, (clothes can be heavy!) I stepped on the scale and once it read 250.4 I couldn’t believe it!!!! I was in pure joy!

I mean each pound brings me closer to the days I may see the toilet lid up, cooking for my boyfriend turned husband, cleaning in the cutest outfits ever, and making sure to stay slim so he won’t file for divorce due to indifference.


Last night in my dark studio apartment in my bed thinking of those calories and how I should relax and life shouldn’t be about calories….but couldn’t help it. I then took notice that my right hand was rubbing my stomach as it made odd tiny sounds here and there. I then realized I was comforting my stomach as it begged for food. It had enough and stayed quite for days, but it had enough. I then continued to rub my stomach. Next thing I was curled up in a semi ball on my right side of my body thinking of those calories.

I went into a soft sleep as the rain outside my window fell gently .

I then had a dream that my place was so bright of light and I wouldn’t stop eating fiber one bars, I was so upset as the calories grew and grew.

I woke up and my stomach was calm.

If a person wants to be plus size, bbw or big and tall, fat or whatever they have a right to… less and move more is a mental war, a battle against body and mind.

Also I am proud to say I am glad I never listen to advice to buy clothes for my body now. I brought clothes as a teen as my goal clothes my someday when Im small clothes, I read I should throw away my clothes that I can’t fit as if I planned on staying large forever. Glad I just said your right as those clothes are still with me many years later.

I had this beautiful, bright rain coat. I needed a rain coat today on my way to work. It was so rainy.

Then I saw my rain coat I had since 16, but could never wear it again.

I thought why not? Not only did the size 18-20 fit on me, my arms were able to, I was even able to zip it up and button it up! It looked wonderful on me I had the biggest grin ever!


All I can say is thank goodness the scale was so forgiving (today I ate 800 and something the 1000 was risky)

Thank goodness for the invention I used at 10pm last night…..a bottle….that you squirt up your….that helps your bowels move.

Last night as my stomach was having a fit… was so worth it. The bad feeling of empty to see 250.4 pounds the next day.

As I been typing I been sipping on this coca cola zero ….and tonight based on my stomach…how it feels so empty…I will be curled up tonight again.




1) Today a woman at work who I pass by everyday in the halls and we only smile at each other sometimes to be polite.

As I was in the locker room looking at myself again, she passed by and glanced at me, but then RETURNED, peeped in and LOOKED at me long then hurried off in the direction she was going!

Her culture I am impressed with they are masters of weight. They have many people believe its their genetics when I see fat ones here right in America and rumors are growing that in some areas in their country weight is becoming a issue, BUT they still are number one. They have also have others believe they can eat rice and able to stay slim off those high carbs…..their rice serving is not American size…very little, plus fish and veggies are on the side and other low calorie dishes, and some view fruit…again fruit as a dessert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the one I know who eats American food mainly takes a bite or two and throws out the rest, long ago my heart sank when she threw it away. They have also mastered the skill of less muscle mass preventing them from hulking about looking manly. Many are not big on curves that are really just 10-20 pounds from being considered over weight. I joked with one of this culture and said wow that dress gives you the body of Beyonce…..the horror on her face was priceless…never seen her wear that again. As she stared in shock at my lower size I thought you saw nothing yet!


2) One of the popular girls stopped me to talk to me!!! Yes everyone has a popular person or people at their job! She stopped me!!! This is a person who hardly said hi to me…she did once I was losing, then vanished when I gained some back, but she is back and we had a full convo! I was almost nervous because I was like this can’t be happening. She talked about how I lost so much ect. Last year when I started the job I was 300 pounds…today 250.4. No didn’t take me a year to lose 50 because I had many failed times, many binges and many times getting back on track. To be honest I should be almost or at goal by now.

3) One girl who is pretty cool, but doesn’t really see me , but ok. She joked with me today!! I hurried off because I was like this has got to be a dream! She even said wow is someone losing weight? I said yup! (wasn’t the joke, but all these weight comments….)


As my weight lowers someday….someday I will be told I am getting too skinny, or my head looks big…and each comment will bring a smile on my face its only another form of get fat again!

Someday I will have access to skinny women chats. I will hear them talk of the latest diets to help them look beyond slim. They will ask me what did I do? I will give them the same bull I was given for years. I will throw every Mr Rogers ,Oprah, at them and a dash of Barney tell them to love themselves and I don’t see why they should lose any weight!

If they ask again I will say I don’t eat after (enter time here, the later the better), and I drink two ensures a day and cheese cakes maybe 3 slices and sometimes pizza just three slices (enter more high calorie lies), and I walk 15 minutes a day. I will smile so hard they can’t think Im lying if they do oh well.

….my stomach….I mean if I ate 1500……and exercised and hoped I burn at least 300 of it…after work outs I always recalled wanting food.

My stomach is begging….begging…time to curl up again and dream of old memories of super salad, and having two whoopers with fries, and my former love pizza hut personal pan pizzas….

How to eat less and move more and talk like a skinny girl sizes 0-6.

February 11, 2013

Alot¬†of skinny women who never been fat a day in their lives ( ignoring them and their last 5 pounds dilemma), are so use to eating the way they do they say its genetics or what not. They really don’t know that how they are is keeping them thin…until they have a baby the weight reveals itself! Or even age, but some skinny women even after baby and the round about hot flashes they are still skinny! They never changed!!

Example a young lady at my moms church a size 2 she appeared ate a second salad for us and said see I had two servings…..yea.




1) Any friend or stranger who says they wish they had your body, remind them it is your genetics no matter if you have proof or not or morbidly obese family members hidden away with a cousin who just got bypass surgery.

2) If a friend comes to you sad and say Im¬†so fat…stop them and throw every Oprah vibe and word at them. Let them know of how curvy they are and how you try so hard to gain weight (at this point pretend that zumba¬†class is only for fun), or better relate to them about how your fat too, but learned to love yourself make sure to pinch some skin up thats¬†really just fatless skin and say see!

3) When people ask you what do you eat either look insulted to stop them there, or say what ever you want and how you always since you were little could eat what you wanted when ever.

4) Only when you think no fat women are around discuss diet tips, and exercises that gave you that flat tummy. Never ever talk like this around anyone bigger then you unless you happen to be a size 4 and the other a 6! Size 8…maybe.

5) When you see other thin women its best to befriend them. I mean what could be more fun then hanging out with new gal pals at the gym for a couple of hours?

6) If your friend returns and says almost in tears that a guy she liked told her he likes her too, but shes¬†too big, remind her that he was a loser and that he missed out and you don’t want that type of guy anyway…ignore the fact he is a honor student, talented, and a gentleman to the skinny bartender who is in dept and rumored to be crazy.











1) Train yourself when hunger comes take a bite of it and toss it away!
2) Eat half your food when out and make sure to talk most of the time to get the other person or people from having too much time to see your hardly eating. Great topics to get people off your eating habit back: Sex life, a tragic (can come from news), and rumors of so and so (make sure so and so is not there), after a while when you feel everyone is ready to go ask for a doggy bag.

3)Before going to a party make sure to have a light snack,so you won’t be tempted to go over board.

4)On dates make sure to order anything baked, with veggies, sauce or dressing on the side, and a diet drink or if you dare some wine. If the date insist on something sweet after , pretend to be romantic and ask to share the dish with him/her. Whatever damage you ate you can burn off at the locale 24/7 gym thats open down the street after…again after he drops you off home. Or reduce greatly the next day.

5) Carrots, candy bar, fruit chewies, a banana…so many choices. Pick a snack that requires you to chew longer. It will last longer then saw some grapes that are soft and juicy. Your friend picks a banana and is done in less then¬†3 minutes. You picked some gummie¬†bears because it requires chewing and last longer for the amount of calories it has. The longer you have to chew the better, as your friend seeks something else sooner then you.

6)Try to eat in public around co-workers, friends and family. No one can say your not¬†eating! Even if they saw you ate two slices of cake…you know you won’t be eating again and if you do its a 100 calorie salad.

7) Tried and true you can say your not hungry right now or I just ate.

8) When you do feel hungry always reach for coffee first!













1) Tell people who say oh so thats¬†why your so¬†skinny: That you have runners high and they wouldn’t understand the urge to run and that before running its really your genetics (smash their hopes that if they ran they too could be skinny)

2) You don’t consider yourself active because honestly¬†you do what you consider fun. Such as laps in the pool, volley ball on week ends with friends, hiking with a loved one. Your innocent¬†here because you think its fun when its really burning any good or bad foods up the instant it touches your throat!

3) Keep it a secret that your a jogger, (yes some do lie..have tons of skinny women stories)

4) Your job! All that moving, then you say you just can’t find time to eat…yet somehow others are…

5) For charity! Join something with a cause that at the end gives you these great legs! No one will ever question or ask about your fitness routin if its for a cause. A lot of skinny women do this with the right heart, but still the training for the run ect is giving them that wonderful body I seek for myself!



I remember reading how this over weight woman had a very…very…skinny friend. The friend told her its her genetics, and this is how her body worked. The friend believed this and felt her friend to be lucky. On a outing¬†with her friend and her friends husband. The three of them enjoyed their food. Her skinny friend ordered mash potatoes, steak with veggies and wine. Even had a large hunk of cake too! On this night the friends husband got kinda drunk, the skinny friend went to the bathroom. The over weight friend then said wow I wish I could eat like her! She told this to the husband as a joke about his wife and how lucky he is. He said please the woman eats a lot, but she works out for HOURS. She always does that! The skinny friend returned and the topic changed….

Something to think about, but I believe anyone can be skinny …its just not the funnest thing in the world to do, but its possible.

I want this slim body, I want to appear feminine, graceful, beautiful.

February 4, 2013

I don’t want the body of a phat girl, nor do I no longer want to attract attention from those who want me to back that thing up, Its trashy and cheap. I want the body that says respect me, love me, desire me, look at me. I want it real bad.
The body that says just because Im¬†black doesn’t mean Im¬†precious the girl from the movie, or your friendly neighborhood pine sol woman, nor proud and loud about my love for my curves. Being thin¬†means Im¬†special that I am this rare jem you won’t find else where in every place you go.

You can call me ugly, anything you want, but all that would matter is I am THIN. I can shop anywhere and be proud to be called a stick or be told Im starving myself because that just means I have made it to my ideal. What I would be happy seeing in the mirror daily, dressing up daily, going outdoors daily, knowing I can buy cake and won’t be judged by it nothing would matter just that I am thin, thin,thin,thin,thin,thin!

The wonderful men, the women asking me for diet tips…which all will be lies¬†of how I eat cheese cake daily and hamburgers every 3 hours, being able to run, and do so much….

I don’t want to be bbw (doesn’t mean big black woman *shakes head*), nor plus size, curvy, ample, or anything that means large.

I want to be called stick, slim, thin anything but the above.

I will always support those who show fat pride (from popular sites) or feeders and what not, but for myself never.

Being thin I won’t be viewed as the jolly good times, but sexy, deserving, smart, ect.

It made me so upset months ago when aol¬†news mentioned the beauty of black women all where thin very thin perfect black women and of course in the comment area large whats happin type men and women were like they are too thin…I almost lost it , but gave thanks to the site for not putting up yet another large black woman in the media. Another large one gives excuse that we were not made to be slim yet in Africa in the good areas some of the women are slim and are just fine.

Just because were black doesn’t mean were suppose to be fat.

They can believe it, but I will never buy it.

Every time they have some form of success story on tv the black woman who lost weight is still fat, but other races look like REAL success stories its annoying sometimes, but I can be my own success story by myself.

And we wonder why we were put down so harshly no one should call the other ugly, but I noticed Asians can share the same nose as blacks. My friend is asian and my nose is smaller then hers, BUT she is thin and thats all that matters. Any culture who is proud to be large tends to be called the ugly one. No race to me is ugly since ugly exists in all races just like cancer can happen to all races at the end are just humans.

I seen some amazing looking black women who are thin and I want to have their weight so bad it hurts.

I go skinny watching of all races from black,white,asian,indian it doesn’t matter they all look great and even if some are butter faced they look amazing from the neck down the same area men seem to only notice.

It brings me comfort in knowing that other black girls/women are looking to be thin…not the thin thats¬†really just chubby, but beautiful thin. Slowly I see sites of black girls making it happen. All I had was¬†more of white thinpos¬†which I am very grateful of them, but now I see myself in these girls proving its possible for me too.

Sometimes I go on sites such as pretty thin or black thinspo type sites in hopes it rubs off on me.

Taking one day at a time…someday..someday I will be perfect too.



Thin women hot spots, new diet,and being adult we all can be victims.

February 2, 2013


Work life is better, but sad it had to end this way. No more saying good morning to me or anything. We ignore each other since she can’t handle being normal/decent.

Now that my work issue is solved….at the moment.



*Thin Women Hot Spots*

The places every former fat girl should go.

1) Thin women love to go to the gym in form fitting¬†clothes then get annoyed when guys try to talk to them :/ Just show up in a fat suit problem solved! Or dress like I would at the beach large shirt and pants that went close to the knee….I feel those gym ladies come to the gym like that on purpose. I plan on joining them in sexy wear wearing my pony tail too! I plan on joining a gym for the first time once Im¬†200 pounds. At 200 I will look average not fat or skinny, but could stand to lose a few more….pretty much¬†like family guy’s daughter Meg. I too want to wear tight fitting¬†gym shorts and be put off by hot guys at the gym and be like omg stop looking at me knowing full well…

2)Besides the gym I plan on going to jog at the park in a long circle, with my mp3 strings in¬† front and yes that pony tail! That pony tail means you have made it, that no longer your hair blows because its windy…but because you are moving at a good speed! I want to jog in my cute clothes and a long full circle and repeat like a mindless pet hamster in a wheel. Thin girls seem happy going in circles and oddly the men right next to them do too.

3) Yes star bucks have people of all sizes, but when I go in it’s not walmart where sometimes you can be the smallest customer. It’s the hot spot for thin girls to pick up fancy coffee and walk out giving them enough time for people to take notice. Star bucks seem more fulfilling when thin.

All the size 0’s and 2’s,4, and 6’s love them some coffee and star bucks is the grand daddy choice still for the thin or/and wealthy. Plus you look trendy, important, and special when thin holding a star buck cup….notice famous thin women love being caught with it in hand.

4) Near a pool or beach. Yes all sizes like to go, but this is mainly a thin girl hot spot. It gives them the chance to show their bodies to total strangers and gain more attention and envy from near by fat girls like me.  Its like a peacock show and instead of feathers these species are showing off every inch of themselves and they love bright colors more so then black swim suits. Black is slimming, but a hot red, or something flashing to say hey over here! is more ideal. Poke a dots are more cute and showy as well. I have already seen the hot red bathing suit I will get, and bright blinding yellow I want to see any of them try to top that! Also pony tails are not as high here, but loose hair all free and wild.

5) At resturants…yes!¬† This gives thin women to prove to us all and those at her table that hey¬†she can eat this and that and stay super hot! Could be her only meal….or she eats like crazy, but works out like a race horse, but doesn’t matter she will say it’s her genetics even if daddy is huge and mommy is just as large. restaurants depending where she goes gives her the chance to dress up in heels and cleavage revealing tops or form fitting jeans and a hot sexy cool top and she will say oh I just threw these on…sure.

6) Anywhere a camera is out, thin girls may feel fat, but love the camera still! It gives them memories later in life to show others how amazing and great they look. A picture of them posing next to santa, playing and running in the sand, bending over to pick a ball the camera opens so much joy and fun.

7) Night clubs where they fist pump. The fist pumping clubs tend to have the skinny women heaven and maybe a few plus size tag along friends, but here is where they can all dress up like barbie no matter the shade or hair color just all barbies can be pretty and sexy with heels. Clubs that don’t fist pump tend to have skinny girls, but more so average to larger. I don’t do clubs, but if I was to go now I would go to the non fist pumping club….kinda like I wouldn’t go to south beach or LA so I can keep some form of self esteem.

Those are the main places I notice on my skinny girl watch.

Some skinny women like to be tom boys, but somehow thats even sexy on them ūüė¶

popular skinny women jobs-

1)The bank teller

2) Cheerleader

3) Bone daddies or hooters for example

4) Anywhere in front desk office work, if you see a plus size woman instead take a picture because she will be replaced soon.

5) Host

6) Any high retail job

7) Fitness trainer or yoga teacher

8) Modeling even if she does it for free and your heavy and offer to do it for free they will not take you.

At the end skinny and larger women can get these jobs…well most, but skinny does win.



Right now I am in my 260s…its a sad battle of up and down …up…then down…everyday.

My trip takes off on the 17th of Feb THIS MONTH. I had all of Jan. and before to be 200 pounds, but I blew it! binge eating was more important then fitting in a plane seat right and not having to worry about being kicked off!

My mom is already going to have my favorites of smothered pork chops, chocolate cake, bqq pizza from pizza hut…..Texas’s pizza hut doesn’t have it.

Collard greens, yams, home made mac and cheese, …and who knows what else!!!!!

Last time I went to see family I came back heavier to the point I couldn’t even buckle my seat in the plane! I told myself when I go to visit I will not eat like its my last meal everyday!!I will exercise and eat less, so when I return I am way smaller.

Its possible to lose 20 pounds in 4 days at my size…..but I have to be strict.

Tomorrow is the second…so lets see…thinking.

I have 16 days before take off to be smaller.

If I can lose 2 pounds a day min…I can be 230 or 230ish.

My thigh won’t spread into the person next to me a little.

I bought a sweat suit, bought a dvd player so I can work out with my tv not my small laptop, I have veggies worth 30 calories a serving and brown rice and seasonings with no salt…..thats right I am going on only rice and veggies to reduce salt intake to the max!!! No soda….just water, boiled rice and water to create a filling soup with added veggies. Very low in salt and calories, and after work even though I walk to work and walk home I am popping in a Jillian work out video from the biggest loser.

I will reach goal just have to be strong and stay focused.

Once I reach Florida I will eat normal and will gain back at most 3 pounds of water weight….but packing my exercise video two or three of them so when I return I shall be 210 at least, but would be open minded with 220 lol.

I ate cheese cake as a farewell….somehow my farewell extended …..anyway!


I don’t get why people tell kids that school is not forever and when you become a adult no more bullying exist.

Sure it doesn’t look at what I went through at work!!!

Anyway on my lunch break a heavy set woman who appeared 350-370 pounds, with her man who had long red hair in a pony tail, and they had their toddler with them who reminded me of baby Tarzan with the wavy long brown hair and tan. I went to order pasta and they were in front of me. They were still deciding and we joked at how pricey food can be. I got a small pasta fare well dish with my third large diet coke of the day.

I saw how crowded it was, but empty tables were around, but instead I sat outside which was in the building at the same time just no roof.

It was so cold outdoors my phone read 35 degrees. I was somewhat shaking as I ate my warm pasta. It was glass windows all around me so people who were inside could view me as a fish tank. I saw the country family (they had that real Texan country accent) look around and then decided to eat out doors in the small patio. I saw them and told them to come join me and that it was too many people out their for my taste!

The guy who I felt was her husband said its cold out here, she then went on to say well lets just eat here.

I then discovered from a small chat between I and them that a random woman came up to her face telling her she has too much food!!! And to give her some and she has enough to share! I was so upset….really upset and speechless how people can be so cruel and more so in front of her family. I told her next time tell that person you will call 911 and they will shut up and leave real quick!

After I left and told them to enjoy their day…it was sad people were staring at her from outside the window from their tables she even pointed another person out.


I hated how I am …in real life Im¬†too nice…too nice…I been told daily by co-workers and strangers that Im nice ūüė¶

But two co-workers were like you shouldn’t change who you are be you.

Another person told me don’t be a black girl sterotype….since I admitted my secret role models such as from that awful show flavor flav¬†I liked New York because no one could say anything to her, no one bothered her and if they did be prepared! Thats¬†not me and could never be me if I tried, I smile too much, its easy to make me laugh, and when Im serious a lot of times people can’t tell….but they did when I went to HR!

A guy told me that my traits are perfect and any guy would love to have me I said yea when thin with these traits.

I told a co-worker Im trying not to be nice, but should of never said that. She can be her and I can be me.

At 25 Im¬†slowly learning to embrace who I am. The women on my fathers side are just like me….not the men they cheat, heard one on drugs and ones with jail records. The women tend to speak proper, nice, giving…its like why didn’t they get guys that match them :/

Nice-ness can get you harmed too. Road raging guy told a woman to pull over and to calm him down and talk about it (I like to talk things out too…genetics are real here) she did….well she rolled her window down and she got punched in the face. I am nice, but not going that far like that family member ūüė¶¬† I would be calling 911 that some guy is following and shouting at me and happens to be speeding.

Its hard and have cried about it that I want to be tough, but really its a ugly look…so I better be happy the way I am and if others don’t like it oh well.



So much to improve of myself…..I missed out on a lot.

I know I need to improve my grammar and what not!

It use to be so bad that I can’t understand what I was saying at 16! And it was all horrible!

My flaws are proof here even though I can’t see them.

Was I suppose to put that comma there? Is it they’re or there?

All I have to say is never allow your child to go to public schools in the hood or ghetto they will learn about rep, name brand shoes,and being cool and if you fail you will be bullied like me and others. I was running from others and getting threats in class not learning and here is the proof in my blog.

*Takes deep breath*

Going to bed.

Wish me luck on this diet!


Because I’m fat my life is not where it should be….if I was thin, and online dating, and education is important

January 31, 2013


1)It’s a fact is thin I would of been in Florida …and married real soon maybe at 19..20 of age.

2)If I was thin I would have a boyfriend or a guy who likes me a lot teach me how to drive in hopes of being with me.

3)If I was thin I could have no education and skills and still land a higher paying job then I do now..I mean hooter girls in neon 80’s p.e coach shorts make more money then three retail workers.

4)If I was thin I would have a guy to comfort me.

5) If I was thin my life may be almost food less, but full of excitment and new things.

6) If I was thin somehow better things would happen.

Going to HR I learned:

1) My former ride will always have her job and never a write up

2) Crazy people can hold down a job…today she was acting like my best friend when I ignored her the whole day and complained about her.

3) My focus needs to be weight loss, education, marriage equals my happiness and this co-worker will be a old nightmare

4) That they do try to make you feel that it’s your fault.

5) Its either deal with it or quit.

6) Even when you say you had witnesses to her behavior all I ended up was talking and the end.

7) I do like the job, but this one co-worker makes it unreal. I will continue to ignore her, I careless if she says sorry again, I know something mentally is off, but since I was the one going through and not so and so it didn’t matter.

8) Sadly even when I’m gone shes the type who will be there slumped over in her late 80’s in a scooter still there many years later….she wins at the end.


Online dating

Yes I was crazy and hurt and stressed out about whats going on for a job, I know Im fat and knew the results I would get.
Lucky for me I was able to set up that no one looking for sex, no one looking for anything that requires a fling. I had to set it up after that was the only guys e-mailing me!!!!! When I clearly said long term doesn’t mean long term sex for fat girls, I mean I had a guy lasy year and a half ago only stayed in touch with me in hopes for sex, when I told him he will not come to my place for sex he said ok just making sure….likely now looking for the next desperate woman he can find!

So I re joined…..the online world yesterday after over a year of not doing so.

1) One guy in his mid 20’s, loves to party, makes 8 a hour and hates his job, but doesn’t have any interest in any form of education……No goals, party guy…those two are not my type, but emailed him anyway.

2) This one sounds too perfect, he just joined the same time as me, middle eastern and looks cute, educated and has dreams of having his own business someday. We only e-mailed back and forth.

3) This guy was heavy set, but I was open to him of course, but party guy and no goals.

On the same site when I had no picture of myself and just had thin as a body type….I had guys ready to take me out on a date!

Putting bbw/tall I got these guys who were….e-mail happy, but I bet anyone 100 dollars would be willing to meet asap if I was in need of such hard to find sex *eye roll*

All I can think of is I need to master the art of sticking and getting blood from people,so that I can move on from where I work if I really just got fed up! I would of course have a job ready would never walk off jobless.

I can’t wait to lose this weight, have my first real date, my first hug, my first everything from a guy, to own a car, to have a education, and then be able to help others.

This dream is sounds so far away, but once I have a degree in something no one can touch me. I won’t grow old like some making small wage, but have growing bills do to the cost of living.

Going to bed, but happy enddings have to be real.