Archive for the ‘purging’ Category

Today….

September 5, 2014

Giving binge and purge a break…since yesterday and today.

I’m doing my best not to binge. I have to give my all to force a diet coke instead of a heavy calorie drink and meal. I’m stressed out and full of worry and I found myself looking online on my cell phone at Taco Bells menu, wendys, and mc donalds. Adding calories and seeing it can get so high, but can I have control for a dollar menu item? I knew full well I would go over a dollar and want the real deal. My mouth watered (not lying) and I just laid back down and took a deep breath. Few minutes later I was up rushing to get ready for work (semi limping thanks to ankle spur, but I made it) Through out the day randomly I was temping myself within my mind of cheap mc Donald  apple pies, Host brand cupcakes, I wanted a serious binge a real binge…not a pint of ice cream type of binge, but a obese person type of binge. I also had thoughts of me in a two piece and uploading tons of pic.

 

Today I…

Had 1298 calories

Worried about affording school (due 120 on the 10th)

Wanted to cry since my whole life been nothing but a struggle

Wanted to walk off the job, but bills keep me trapped ….cleaning bm and vomit all day, lifting heavy residents and back is killing me.

Thought if slim I would rather be a stripper or a waitress at hooters then this and get paid better. I can’t dance or anything special, but willing to risk it.

Thought it sucks being single….so lonely.

Had a war of yes no yes no yes no to more food.

Felt numb as usual after work. Clock out at 10:02pm, miss bus  that comes between 10:02pm-10:04pm, stayed inside and chatted to co-workers who have cars and know I ride the bus (I live in Dallas…enough said. I heard Austin from someone who was blind and moved from Dallas whose co-workers wouldn’t drive her to the a 3 min ride to the train station..says in Austin people are so much nicer vs Dallas) I chatted knowing my bus was gone anyway. Went outside at bus station 10:17pm, bus came at 10:37pm, caught the train in time by forcing myself up a long flight of stairs…stopped mid way to catch my breath, then continued and here came the train. Got to the next bus, bus left at 11:18pm, got home at 11:26pm. It took more then will power to ignore the serious desire for packets of my raman noodles once I got home.

Binging won’t solve my problems that’s for sure, but during the moment its a break from life for me.

Tomorrow I’m going crazy on water and raman (my day off) and study my butt off and hope they drop my class. Ihave came home sometimes only to drop off to sleep asap…so not much studying like I’m suppose to. Its hard to have control on my days off nothing to keep me away from food because I’m so busy….so raman noodles which has two servings per pack at 190 calories per serving,  …sounds like a upcoming purge. Gross, but I can’t stay fat forever and not getting any younger. I have to do this to move on with my life.

I’m at the point in my life I will purge, take diet pills, and wish on a shooting star for my results.

 

Thinspo/weight loss quotes I found encouraging.

 

 

 

 

 

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Binge eating is self punishment which then becomes a habit- 281.2

September 4, 2014

I mentioned in the past I binged for the first time when I wasn’t fat. I had to deal with my mom being abused, trying to call the cops (before cell phones existed) only for my ex step dad to out run me and snatch the phone cord out the wall, same guy who punched holes in the wall. My first binge was 4-5 peanut butter sandwiches and large cups of sweet fruit punch.  At the time I thought he was my real dad and never understood why he treated my two younger sisters better. Any little mistake I did was almost major, I could never do anything right. Besides random women coming to our door when he was at work to say they are having his baby, he was over all terrible. Picture being punched thrown to your knees on hard floors and I felt powerless to stop him from harming her. I begged my mom to leave him when we were alone. Being married ten years to a monster and with a therapist she was seeing to cope with it all threaten to take us away if she didn’t divorce him….then freedom came. No more spankings from someone who closes you in a room with a large grin and spanks you so hard all you can do is scream. I felt unloved, unworthy and lack of attention and all I could do is eat.

I kept in my room coloring. Bending hangers to make shaped ducks, I would take out note book paper and tape it up to draw a large map of pretend islands with blue tribal people with their own way of life and sea and mammal life. I went out to the backyard and saw our star fruit tree. Bright yellow fruit and I thought if I plucked them down and sold them I could make some money. Being young a dollar is being rich. I went door to door (I believe 5 homes) and sold each fruit for 25 cents. I came home proud and told my step dad with joy in my eyes. He took me and gave back the money to each home and told them to keep the fruit. They even told him he could keep the 25 cents,but he wouldn’t have any of it.

I still fight with these demons of I’m a failure, can’t do anything right and my young under aged self only ate. I feel I missed out on my younger years and teens because it was filled with sadness. I was forced to go to church, I prayed and even danced in the pews to upbeat music, and in my prayers would beg God to save me and save me from myself. Sometimes praying for him to let me die. Nothing happened and made it known I’m not going to church to give away money to make the pastors look good. Pastors who brag on their flawless skin, cars, and going to the holy land to five star hotels as some members struggled to keep their lights on. Anything bad happened it was God was testing us anything Good God was blessing us, if someone died it was their time if they lived God saved them.

As a teen trying to discover and find myself. I got a book on past lives. I was 14 or 15. My faith came back that God is real and that its ok. I will be ok and I no longer feared death if I was coming back anyway. Mom found that and threw it away and off to church I was meaning never missing a Sunday. Back was my fear and all things neg. Since the church had preached against Harry Potter, part one and two that my nana had bought me was in the trash too.

 

My strict christian upbringing ( use to secretly try to listen to Eminem, and oldies and more so rock music…since that was worldy music), witnessing abuse, and my envy of my classmates….Peter was behind in math mommy and daddy got him a tutor for the reason why he was no longer in ESE math with us. My mom told me I should of paid attention and ask the teacher. I wasn’t a rapid learner like my younger sister, so I was sent upstairs to figure it out as my mom continued with my sister. I went ahead and watched cartoons after trying to figure it out. I wanted to cry….but food and bugs bunny made it all better. The school simply passed me through since I already didn’t get to go to the next grade that year before. 

 

Unloved, slow/not smart, I can’t do anything right……….I ate. I was labeled and I was bullied in middle school. I could never win.

 

When I look in the mirror I see my weight as a self reflection of pain, sadness, and stress.

And when I go out the door everyone can see it.

I now say food just tastes good….when really binging was the only thing that I could do to cope.

Even on rare good days I would binge. Its now  habit no matter the mood I forever have to tame.

 

I still do binge , but then I purge to give myself a second chance…or a third…fourth…

 

Yesterday (1:44am now) I didn’t binge. It felt so odd not to binge. To ignore the urge for a cheap cheese burgers and dollar fries. Hours I had to do my best to ignore the real desire for it. I saw it in my mind’s eye biting into soft bread  in to cheese and meat and drinking large gulps of orange Hi-C (refill please). At work I rubbed my stomach (some thought I had a stomach ache) as comfort.

 

YESTERDAY I had:

1) One mango snapple 200 calories

2) Soda 190 calories

3) One cup of watermelon 46 calories

= 436 calories

 

 

Binging today (without purging) is a form of self punishment, purging is another form of self punishment,but gives you another chance. Not binging gives your body a break. Binging isn’t done for fun or on purpose. It is strong and majority of the time when you try to ignore it, it only gets stronger until you cave in and regret promising yourself tomorrow.  To outsiders its all about will power, and why do you eat so much, or just have a small portion…if it was that simple no one would be obese.

In my opinion.

 

Anyone who binges a real binge a actual binge. They have a past that trigger them to binge like so…it could be:

1) Moving out of their parents home

2) Copying their friends or marriage/boyfriend/girlfriend eating habits.

3) Many rape victims end up binging or other eating disorders. Its common to be slim, get raped and now obese. Without knowing it you are trying to hide your beauty in fat to prevent from ever being harmed again (larger women can be raped too, but if slim some gain weight)

4) Moving on to the next grade and being the only one who knows no one

5) Medication can increase appetite (depending on drug)

6) Extreme boredom

7) Depression

The list can be long.

 

At some point no matter how your day went it also becomes a habit.

 

 

When people see a thin person they never think how they stay or became thin. They are the picture of IDEAL health. I’m losing weight, my co-workers are impressed at the rapid weight drop. They think I eat normal or a lot (depending on who you ask), but its my job working on my feet keeping the pounds flying off (WRONG, low calories or purging).

A woman who is a size 14 can be healthier then a woman a size 6.

 

I don’t have time for healthy and not in the mood for slow results.

I want people to see me and want my size, I want to be loved and desired, I want people to see me not oh the big girl, I want men to want me (not just any man, but my type aka going somewhere or already there in life), I don’t want people to see the fat black girl and place me in a box, I want the nicest clothes, I want to wake up thinking ok my life sucks, but I have this amazing body, I want to take a lot of pictures, I want to enjoy life…..because I can…because society will say it’s ok and won’t limit me or ban me due to my size/weight. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No longer in the 300’s thanks to purging. And it helps being black (no one ever guesses..)

August 31, 2014

I’m on a strict budget. I eat cheap foods to survive which is heavy in carbs. I can’t handle a tiny serving of spaghetti noodles and call it a day. NEVER. I LOVE pasta and heavy red sauce with melting slices…again sliceSSSS of cheese on top and down it with plenty of 5 calorie powdered fruit punch, or some diet cola. Raman noodles with a side of veggies and I make sure to add a lot of water to make it pretty much a broth (low sodium raman) And don’t get me started in the frozen section 1$ pizzas. New weakness 200 calorie bottles of snapple fruit punches….I mean when I drink one …my eyes are closed enjoying such pleasure…words can not explain. I mean I had 7 bottles of snapple fruit punches and that was it the whole day.

I’m against purging…for others. Myself I’m all for it and know the possible risks, so I’m careful. Its been 90 something degrees out one day and for many days. Sun and me don’t mix in dry heat such as in Texas. I ate badly one day…brums ice cream then a couple of hours later a large slice of pizza with a large cup of HI-c fruit punch …then a refill…then again,but only half way. I felt so pleased being full, but guilty and then I felt the urge to purge. It comes naturally if I’m too full.

So here I was full in 90 something degree weather thinking to myself how badly I wish I could throw up this food. I felt bad about wasting money if I did, but worse being fat and over stuffed of food. Cars kept driving by me, people parking to go into small businesses and banks were near by…so I felt shame to even try to do this publicly. Maybe the sun made me temp. loopy, but  feeling came over me of……wait a minute I’m black! Yes sounds crazy, but people don’t think some black girls would do this on purpose or desire a slim body.  Even online I read where other blacks say it’s rare and not possible. This only encouraged me to think I can get away with this!!!

I pictured from another view…ok fat black girl throwing up means I could be sick, or pregnant, no one would know.

I found some bushes near by and with cars passing me by and from other angels you can see what’s really taking place I proudly let it all up. Red juice and bread from pizza. I kept going until I saw some brown….aka chocolate ice cream from hours ago came up some what.

At work I eat lunch and head to the bathroom and……and if someone over hears I just mention the medicine I’m taking for pain (which can cause vomiting if not taken correctly) before that they just thought I had a stomach ache or some random something. I mainly go outside for lunch, so its rare I go to the bathroom.

I been trying my hardest and recently saw a dark skin girl, short afro, very nice trendy clothes , with a pro ana type body in bright day light. I had to stop myself from staring. Someone like her with that type of body can go far, but she doesn’t know that. Life would be so much better if I was slim.

 

It’s nice having the freedom to eat like a king celebrating victory, but can someday have a body of a fragile and feminine princess. Purging is not the answer or a lifestyle, but for now as something to help me lose weight until I can gain control are:

 

1) No guilty feelings after eating too much. I go from extreme full to normal.

2) I can enjoy my food without being so strict

3) Either you lose weight or maintain

4) At least for me slowly my desires for large amounts of food is slowing down. The more I feel I have freedom to eat the less I oddly require…..slowly.

 

This is not advice, but what I’m doing.

Today I’m: 294.2 pounds. 

 

4 days ago one of the residents in his 40’s, black guy, with a disability that has him there to began with…..heard me in the hall way talking and enjoying the company of my co-worker. Yelled out nice and loud from his room…HEY BIG GIRL, BIG GIRL come here!!! BIG GIRL! The other worker snickered and I told her I’m not going in there big girl is not my name! She went in and she came out …he wanted nothing. She told me she told him I’m busy. I told her well big girl going home soon, and big girl not going in there.

Those other pro ana sites are right with their lists of reasons why to be slim….when people remember you or describe you…

He called me big girl

He called the other co-worker of mines skinny girl with glasses

And the one who was snickering little girl (she’s a short, thin, older lady)

On the other halls most are big like me and some are trying to lose weight and some embrace their size.

I’m 27…but it’s never too late.

I met  32 very skinny girl who used my large frame to hide next to me from the cops… :/  she said her roommate likes to call the cops when drunk and cops make her nervous so she left until the cops leave.

I thought she was younger then me and in her early 20’s.

Being thin makes you appear younger BUT she also had a very youthful face. I see thin older women with bodies of young 20 something year olds, but their face says 40-50 something. Its all genetics and luck. Botox can only do so much.

 

Purging Queen and Hospital Visit

July 9, 2014

https://i0.wp.com/thumb7.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/285004/285004,1274968427,1/stock-photo-heavy-woman-watching-television-while-eating-53995120.jpg

 

11pm something buys family size of fruity pebbles and a small thing of whole milk. One six pack of tropical punch cool aid and a large box of uncooked pasta and spaghetti sauce from walmart.

A good walk back in the dead of the night. Strange people walking around, a girl in her 20’s laying on the bus bench, I feel bad because I’m very close to being her.

Get home and its almost 12am by 5 minutes. I quickly pour half the box of cereal in a large bowl and milk, I go fast….and think I better start cooking the pasta, so after I can eat that right after.

Hungry…no,…only coping. I didn’t want to do this to myself. The scale read 314 from 330 a couple of weeks ago. Yet here I go face down bite after bite going crazy like a starved child.

I made sure to savor the soggy cereal, I loved the colors in my bowl floating in milk. I heard the pot in the kitchen starting to bubble. I didn’t want this to end.

I loved swallowing, the texture, the taste….I was in bliss a moment to forget and focus on eating then my problems.

I felt so full, but I didn’t stop. I ate so much I had to use the bath room!! After I came out completing 1& 2 I felt the urge to purge. Something I been stopping for some time. I felt so disgusted with myself. I looked in the mirror and all the things I been told for weeks by a couple of co-workers who didn’t believe I could be 300 and something pounds.

I have to explain my height makes me look different vs a short person at 300. To some I look 250…so when I was 250 what did I look like that? For a small moment I thought well if people think I look ok now maybe I’m over reacting….maybe I should find a guy…like really try to find a guy…again A guy who will take me at my tall, but obese self…

Then it happened magazines and too many tanned thin girls going about this summer  …not average thin, but too thin for my liking reminded me I will always feel like last place at my size always.

And PLEASE don’t be a thin black girl. It makes me feel even worse. More so when they are happy with their size and not acting typical such as wanting to gain weight in hopes of the magical butt and thighs. The ones who want to gain weight makes me feel ….good. I admit this only online. 

And regardless of race ….just not a fan of too many thin girls since it reminds me to look in the mirror and see all the globs of fat weighing me down from my future husband/boyfriend.

So I release….

I sat down in my simple wooden chair. I got a plastic bowl I was going to throw away anyway. I turned the tv to a saved tv show. Took a deep breath and let it flow. At 1:14am……dbehjfrfhfhrjwkd

Stop to relax…..1:20am sndjrenfrhfebbr   brings nasty bowl closer and continued dnnemfehfkskdkdkdldlld

Stomach no longer feeling full.

I felt it all stop, but forced myself to go at it again by one deep breath and skjdhdjhfbvbdjr  jcejfhgfefbef  dnndndndndn….done.

 

 

 

After all was done. I comforted myself thinking I deserve this. I deserved to eat this amount due to all the problems I had.

I got paid last week with 377 dollars. My first check since starting this job. Problem was it was not enough for rent. Next check will be decent, but this check had me in tears at PLS with customers wondering whats going on, and a sucky rep who kept smiling at me saying I’m making her feel bad and to cheer up…as they called a job I’m still new at to confirm my employment alerting HR a very small office that I need more money for rent.

I was given 150 with ten $ having to go on their lame re-loadable card I didn’t want. The 10$ when used will be charged with use. At 140 I was barely saved by paying rent.

New problem no money for public transportation or food. I felt awful and alone with no one to really turn to since the people I know are struggling or just can’t afford to help. And the one person who can is out of town on vacation.

So yesterday at another location seeking payday loan just to afford to make it to work and back until pay day which is semi monthly not bi-weekly.

Long story short after eating cheap foods and 64 cent sodas (32 oz)

I knew I would binge later like insane to get rid of the desire of lack of….to get my mind off my problems.

 

Two days ago on my day off. I decided to go to the hospital. I want to know why I can’t walk at all sometimes due to my left ankle. And I limp almost everyday. I blamed my weight. Then it made no sense since my right ankle was perfect. The left ankle caused shooting pains and after working on my feet for hours and many times having to walk 40 minutes to work after getting off the train and after work at 10pm in the pitch dark night have to limp 50 minutes back to the train station tired and doing more harm to myself then good.

I decided to visit the hospital. After x-rays and a nurse and doctor looking at my ankle.  Another nurse returned to tell me I have a ankle spur (not  heel spur) and thats whats causing me walking problems. I mean after orientation before starting my first day of the job….I was following the group for a tour of the building. All of a sudden my ankle was in serious pain. I stopped and could no longer walk. I remember thinking please not now, please go…pleaaaase!

I forced myself slowly hoping no one saw me struggling to take simple steps.

Luckily with force and pain words can’t explain I took slow mini steps as the group ahead of me was fading away as I was stuck behind. 

I was given pain meds to help, and told to try to stay off my feet…when I have to be on my feet to work and get to and from work. I can ride the bus sometimes, but sometimes I miss the bus or its late. When its on time and I’m there to catch it, it helps.

so in a nut shell the only way to help is for me to stop working (can’t find a sit down job and when I do its taken by some average size or thin girl).

Its crazy people are told to walk for their health. I’m told not to walk as much and heres some pain meds.

I asked if I lose weight will I be ok? The nurse said it would take pressure off it…explains why when I was 249 pounds I limp at rare, but not often.

Thanks to the ankle spur I couldn’t last at a job and thats why I’m struggling today, I had to make call outs in the past at others jobs….all over a ankle spur…so a binge and purge was in order.

 

I’m going to bed work later today. Limping and hope to walk the next day.

I have to be skinny and the list grows why. I never saw my adult self like this.

Its 3:17am and I can purge again…I just felt it,but I will pass on this one….zzzz