Archive for the ‘Pictures’ Category

Intro: Water fast day ONE- Yes I will complete this one. 325 pounds.

June 8, 2014



Never do a fast under stress.

I SAY: Unless your retired and live in the mountains stress happens. Stress happens to me a lot. Like maybe losing my place next month if not hired fast enough (applied to 10 jobs today), or when employed dealing with residents or/and managers, or not being able to afford something I really wanted….the list goes on and many others have stress out there too. Its a true gift to have a non stressful life. Some people stress over good things such as what to wear on a date, their first house, child, throwing the perfect party. If many go based on not having stress than many can never fast in their lives.



Try to relax and stay away from hard exercises.

I SAY: If you have a demanding job psychically…what else can you do? You would of failed a fast at a office desk job just as much. Its harder, but possible. Any diet or fast is all mental. Anything you do which is good or bad starts in the mind. If someone turns you on it all starts in the mind, if you want to steal it all  started in the mind….just like me going out in the dead of the night thanks to chocolate mental images of candy. The advice given about fasting seems it is geared to people who can take it easy. Plus when I fast I’m sorry I will do some sort of exercise to increase the weight loss.


Prepare for a water fast by eating fruits and veggies and maybe some light soups.

I SAY: For me I have to go cold turkey. The idea of sipping or soups and eating clean….rubs my food addiction the wrong way. Any diet I been on feels like a self tease of what I really want. It would be grand to start off the right track and of my budget of zero income…..water is pretty cheap. I have distilled water in a gallon, but if I have to there is a sink…I mean my cats are healthy and then been drinking sink water for over a year now. Honestly even if I had 5000 dollars I rather go cold turkey. I have tried clean eating first only to have a burger and some type of pie or cake after.


1) A low salt diet helps with rapid weight loss. If you eat a low sodium diet  your body doesn’t hold on to water. By water fasting and sipping/drinking water and low salt aka only water SOME of the weight loss is water weight. Not all, but a few pounds is water weight.

2) If you don’t eat your body has to use whats inside of you for fuel. Thats why many suffer low energy some days when water fasting. No carbs, sugar, ect. to give you a boost. Only bacteria, fat, and what not.

3) Lack of calories.



1) I’m not going to die.

2) Grocery stores, fast foods, restaurants will not go out of business as soon as I go on a water fast.

3) Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, and many more who are very well off even have to suffer diets, exercise plans just to look average or really good. Takes suffering (yes for me just not touching food alone). Even the ones who claim not to do anything to seem they were genetically lucky have to work hard too.

4) Life sucks, but eating/binging won’t cure it…..makes it worse.

5) If I feel odd, mentally weak, or a sudden empty tummy feelings….have to remind myself that I ate that before, and if it’s different in culture of food….its really not that different. Meat, sweet, wheat,…I mean all foods are related just made a little different or use of meat that may not be common to you. Nothings truly new.

6) Romance vs food, wedding vs food, a actual relationship vs food, cute clothes vs food……


WATER FASTING TIPS (At least for me…remember don’t copy me I’m desperate)

1) Going back to my nightly roots…..fetal position..and comfort myself and try my hardest to shift my thoughts to endless date nights, and single digit clothing tag shopping sprees instead of all things soft and sweet.

2) A shower…a shower makes me feel like I’m restarting and cleansing myself of worries, sadness, and just in general just starting over. Kinda like starting a whole new day.

3) Self massage of the stomach. With slight pressure on my stomach (for obvious reasons).

4) For me forcing myself to drink water increases my desire for food…so drink water when I feel like it. No gum, no diet soda….this is a pure water fast.

5) Rest when possible if needed.

6) When I was losing weight, sometimes brushing my teeth helped…sometimes. I mean a fresh minty mouth biting into something wonderful sometimes happened too.

7) Sounds crazy, but I recall placing a ice pack or a zip lock full of ice on my stomach. Oddly this worked sometimes in the past.

8) This works so well I don’t do it because I want to eat. Any food you really…really want picture it, and imagine it full of pinkish/brownish worms all oozing out of it, and dipping back in.



*Not all at one time, just through out the day.

1) Two boxes of uncooked great valued brand of shells (enriched macaroni) of course cooked. Each box has 8 servings, 200 calories per serving, serving size 3/4 (laughable yes).

2) Three jars of great value (yes on a serious budget, cheap and creamy goodness), classic Alfredo.  7 servings per jar, 45 calories per serving, serving size 1/4.

3) One reeses peanut buttercup (two cups per package) calories I think are 200.

4) From the frozen section one Boston Market meal (country fried beef steak)  520 calories.

5) One Sara lee cherry flavored cheesecake. Yes ate the whole thing in one sitting. Serving size 1/4, 4 servings per pie, 340 calories per slice…again I ate the whole med. size pie.

How many calories? I don’t feel like counting and I know its a lot. And deep down I don’t want to know my damage.


Around waist/stomach: 57 inches

Upper Left arm: 21 in, upper Right arm: 20 in

Right thigh 35 1/2 , Left thigh:35 1/2

Right calf: 21 in, left calf 20 in

Bum: 54 in




Photos taken sometime yesterday.



Because I’m concerned about job hunting I found myself eating…more..more..and more. I know people judge others based on weight no matter how covered up and well dressed you are. By binging on cheap foods I’m doing more harm then good.  The length of the fast is unknown to me. Just going to take it one day at a time. After I’m done I will print only this page and the rest of the fasting pages. I will force myself and take my own advice on these pages. I know I can do this. Its 6/8/14 and the time 5:20am now.



Its based on my opinion on what I hope my body mimics in the future….its never too late. If I was 50 I still would be aiming for the slender marry me next week, I’m sexy cute look.

I love the whole Nicki Minji curvy body type…..just I love the slender body even more. The slender body can go anywhere….not just a rap video. A slender body can travel, and even if someone says you need to eat….in their mind you should, but global you win!


I’m black. It helps. I mean people assume that I’m black that I have a church I call home and want to either be fat and proud or desire to lose weight for a curvy build. Sometimes I still joke how I want a thick body, but want to lose weight and I mention curvy girls that most non black women on average don’t want as a body goal. And they believe me besides getting its a joke. Kim K is popular with many, but not me. I feel shes a little too big goal wise. And nothing wrong with their sizes (plus size women) just slender women regardless of race/age seem so elegant if they want to. Plus size women can too, but I feel we have to try harder to find the right clothes to pull it off. A slim woman can have a ugly butter face, but men focus on the neck down. Yet will look her in the face and say how beautiful she is. Thinness is very powerful.

Do you know how I felt being rung up by a cashier in her 50’s, greying hair with blonde, slight bent back, slim like maybe a size 6, with missing teeth tells me she is only working for fun. Her guy doesn’t want her to, but open minded enough for her to. He loves her and works all the time and to kill boredom she decided to work part time….and me single with all my teeth so far, just unfair and the only love I get are my cats:(

The real killer is hearing recently about a size 0 BLACK girl having some 50 something year old guy taking her out to dinner, buying gifts, and wants to take things serious (she said no over and over) that could lead to marriage. I’m not big on dating too young or too older then me, but when a older guy does see me he thinks of sex and good bye. Size zero girl is treated like a princess. I get treated like a street walker.


Day one….day one….I can do this….





I want this slim body, I want to appear feminine, graceful, beautiful.

February 4, 2013

I don’t want the body of a phat girl, nor do I no longer want to attract attention from those who want me to back that thing up, Its trashy and cheap. I want the body that says respect me, love me, desire me, look at me. I want it real bad.
The body that says just because Im black doesn’t mean Im precious the girl from the movie, or your friendly neighborhood pine sol woman, nor proud and loud about my love for my curves. Being thin means Im special that I am this rare jem you won’t find else where in every place you go.

You can call me ugly, anything you want, but all that would matter is I am THIN. I can shop anywhere and be proud to be called a stick or be told Im starving myself because that just means I have made it to my ideal. What I would be happy seeing in the mirror daily, dressing up daily, going outdoors daily, knowing I can buy cake and won’t be judged by it nothing would matter just that I am thin, thin,thin,thin,thin,thin!

The wonderful men, the women asking me for diet tips…which all will be lies of how I eat cheese cake daily and hamburgers every 3 hours, being able to run, and do so much….

I don’t want to be bbw (doesn’t mean big black woman *shakes head*), nor plus size, curvy, ample, or anything that means large.

I want to be called stick, slim, thin anything but the above.

I will always support those who show fat pride (from popular sites) or feeders and what not, but for myself never.

Being thin I won’t be viewed as the jolly good times, but sexy, deserving, smart, ect.

It made me so upset months ago when aol news mentioned the beauty of black women all where thin very thin perfect black women and of course in the comment area large whats happin type men and women were like they are too thin…I almost lost it , but gave thanks to the site for not putting up yet another large black woman in the media. Another large one gives excuse that we were not made to be slim yet in Africa in the good areas some of the women are slim and are just fine.

Just because were black doesn’t mean were suppose to be fat.

They can believe it, but I will never buy it.

Every time they have some form of success story on tv the black woman who lost weight is still fat, but other races look like REAL success stories its annoying sometimes, but I can be my own success story by myself.

And we wonder why we were put down so harshly no one should call the other ugly, but I noticed Asians can share the same nose as blacks. My friend is asian and my nose is smaller then hers, BUT she is thin and thats all that matters. Any culture who is proud to be large tends to be called the ugly one. No race to me is ugly since ugly exists in all races just like cancer can happen to all races at the end are just humans.

I seen some amazing looking black women who are thin and I want to have their weight so bad it hurts.

I go skinny watching of all races from black,white,asian,indian it doesn’t matter they all look great and even if some are butter faced they look amazing from the neck down the same area men seem to only notice.

It brings me comfort in knowing that other black girls/women are looking to be thin…not the thin thats really just chubby, but beautiful thin. Slowly I see sites of black girls making it happen. All I had was more of white thinpos which I am very grateful of them, but now I see myself in these girls proving its possible for me too.

Sometimes I go on sites such as pretty thin or black thinspo type sites in hopes it rubs off on me.

Taking one day at a time…someday..someday I will be perfect too.



Im trying to push myself-267.2 pounds

September 21, 2012

This is me I still have the double chin going.

Took this pic not long ago as well, just noticed my reflection passing by. I came from whole foods with a medium thing of watermelon and one peach total 8 something….yea I don’t go there much. 8 dollars could of went to the mushroom angus burger meal at mc donalds around the same cost.

I woke up had some greek yogurt with dried fruit and a splash of honey added. Lunch sonics a medium tots with a hamburger and coke zero. I wanted a second burger, but since I ate breakfast it was a no go. It took so much out of me to just pass on by sipping that zero calorie acid. Calories I had today were 1400 calories.  I semi jog upstairs at work throughout the day instead of riding them. In the morning we use reg stairs three flights and as always Im out of breath once at the top….but I soildered on.

My pants feel slightly roomy…just slightly.

Had a elderly sales woman get upset that I didn’t know my way around the second floor…when thats not my reg floor she went on and on and was very rude saying don’t I see the signs above…Im thinking I wear glasses and Im not wearing them. I just said uh huh yea ok as a customer stood by. My only comfort was that in five years she should be in a near by nursing home, so let her have her moment on the outside world. After her act I wanted and felt I deserved any treat I wanted…..had to fight that off. I just breathed deeply and tried to focus on the job instead of how upset she really made me.

The guy at work we crossed paths alot….again. I feel it makes him nervous, but really where ever he is I am and where ever I am he comes and we work very different departments its so strange. This happens almost everyday. Note to self when thin make sure you give him the friend vibe strongly then ever before. Don’t want to be bothered when I look like your ideal. In a perfect world people would date others for what matters the most their insides, but in the real unperfect world we don’t unless you have so many flaws about yourself you feel you have to settle. I felt he was kinda ignoring me pretending he don’t see me. Which really upset me I mean I don’t like you that way anyway I use to…until I learned more about you. He did say hello gave a smile that was real, but had so many meanings I just couldn’t figure out. I also wonder if other coworkers joked that he liked me…I feel that happened and who wants to be known to have a crush on the fatty? I can’t wait to be thin, so this can all be behind me.

I caught a ride again today and twice in a row we were late. My ex coworker was like you better stop riding with her….easy to say when you have a car and I have to walk 40 minutes and wake up beyond early to make it….so easy to say when you can zone here and there. I may walk tomorrow morning or maybe not.

I tried to set up my massage for Sunday…but he is booked until the 28th. I don’t want to wait that long. He has the best reviews, but I bet I can find someone decent. Plus I work  who wants to ride the bus and train after work for a message and feel even more sleepy after? I rather on my day off.

Also as you can see my hair……at work a customer saw me and said wow that looks so nice, and how long does that take? I said it took 12 hours..she was amazed. She said can’t you wash it…I said yes…how long you kept it in…I said 2 months. She came up to me and started touching and whirling my hair trying to figure out how it was created. It felt like forever as a sales person looked on and so did another. The lady could of at least tipped :/   but something about hair…..

Anyway Im going to sip on this coke zero and read a little.

Its sad I already know what Im going to eat tomorrow that peach, watermelon and two egg and ham sandwiches I am so ready for it. More sad that it seems I look forward to eating.

I want to look like them:

September 7, 2012

Considered Obese September 3, 2012-Taken today. Would you call me big boned or thick?

September 3, 2012

Considered Obese September 3, 2012-Taken today

Knowing I have to lose over 100 pounds just be considered beautiful and dateable by decent men is depressing. Not only that, but new jobs that are high paying, but you must fit the size of what they want such as waitressing at a mens club, or working in the front desk, having sudden luck…the only thin women who don’t benefit are the crazy ones, or just plain classless and gross behavior.

Below serious bat wings I had for yearsssssss, im 25 with it now 😦


Next coming up….is the other arm. When your obese you suffer skin discolortion, and boils under arms that when it does break your left looking like this:


Next is the lower area, the drop of the gut…its sad I have had this body for many years like this, but its hard. My coworker who feels it should be easy just eat less doesn’t have any true interest in food like me and others:

Below you see zero collar bone.