Archive for the ‘General’ Category

The average life/day of a nurse assistant who wants a very different lifestyle. *May offend some, but not intended…warning.

January 10, 2016

 

Like most nurse assistants we call nursing homes the slave plantation. Residents by habit call us nurses. We correct them, but it never sticks. Which makes it appear like a bunch of nurses are doing all this work for you.

The average nursing home is made up of:

1st shift- Four nurses, eight aides 6am-2pm
2nd shift- Four nurses, eight aides 2pm- 10pm
3rd shift- Two nurses, four aides 10pm-6am

The Head nurse is called the D.O.N
Then usually two A.D.O.N (Assistant to D.O.N)

Nurses are made up of LVNs aka the slave masters aka more so the over seers. The nursing station itself is created to watch us from a distance where they don’t have to leave their soft seats.

Nurses tend to be racial wise: Nigerian mainly, Ethiopian, and a few white, and few Black/African American.

Nurse assistants are usually black mainly from other countries, few black/African Americans. And at rare one white girl….who usually quits within months and they too usually view nursing homes as plantations as well.

The average nurse assistant/aide deserves a min. of 15 dollars a hour, but due to people coming from other countries taking the nurse assistant jobs…the pay stays low. The pay can increase, but if your desperate for a job such as me or from the poor part of your country 9 a hour is great! As a new Cna short for nurse assistant. A African lady was happy such as I to land their first cna job. She was making 7.50 at a day care. She was offered 9 a hour and she was very over joyed. Well….3 months later she wanted to return to the day care and said they over work us for this small pay. Sadly her job was filled…and she was stuck slaving away with the rest of us.

Things that you go through as a nurse assistant:
*This is from ALL the nursing homes Iv’e been at.

1) Called blacky or black bitch (If your dark skinned, this happened to some.
2) You may have to work through your 30 min lunch break. No one gets a 15 min break.
3) Residents laughing that you just changed their diaper, but they just wet and poo again
4) Residents slapping you, punching you, spitting at you, or like me kick dropped to the floor by sweet innocent grandpa. None of this gets in the news. Only if they are the victims. Nor will the aide who was punched semi blind by sweet dear ol grandpa she tried to get clean.
5) Nurses pointing to call lights on…they refuse to answer it. LVN nurses are highly lazy and could be why hospitals rather Rns. Sometimes when you answer it you find out they want medicine, then you have to walk alllllllllllllllll the way to nurse to tell him/her so and so wants meds when if they answered the light…
6) Residents are lonely. They push the call light a lot for mino things, to talk, problem is 20 plus residents need actual care.
7) When nurses dont like you they may give residents pills to give them the runs ON PURPOSE. To punish the aide when she/he …mainly the shes. Residents sometimes need help to poo, but sometimes its given out of evil.
8) Lazy aides who hide which leaves all the work to you.
9) Poo due to meds, and other meds, and gross nursing home foods…the poo is so strong and so smelly that my nose and eyes run and had to get out, which made the whole entire halls smell bad.
10) Family wants their mom or dad ect #1 or else……remember you can never get a 15 min break, under paid, on your feet lot, get abuse from residents…who know how to act when family comes….they want their love one number 1 and to pretty much get one on one care…….well its us vs 20 plus residents who have love ones who want their love ones number one.
11) No matter how young or old you are, you will feel pain. You have to lift heavy large and tall people, or tall and solid weight people who refuse hoyer lifts. Your on your feet a lot.
12) Family members don’t want to touch your hand because they saw you clean their love ones back side caked with poo….the places your hands go. Soaking hands in bleach after work doesn’t take the feeling away.
13) Again very lazy lvn/lpn nurses who people view as heros of the medical word (eye roll) nurses rather look for a already busy aide for 10 min then to change so and so. ALL nurses are trained in nurse assistant skills before becoming Nurses, but they are too good to do it.

HOW TO KNOW A NURSING HOME IS HALF WAY DECENT:

1) The D.O.N and A.D.O.N wears scrubs DAILY like its nurses and aides. Anyway who is a nurse who wears regular clothes is a sign of laziness. They plan on looking good, but not working hands on if needed.

2) Living assistant homes are the greatest. The labor is normal, aides barely quit because the work load…is human. Not where they have to decide on a lunch break or being behind.

3) Ask if the nurses change diapers too. If they say we have aides..RUN. Iv’e seen nurses on allllllllllllll shifts manage to find time to sit, talk on their phones you know no hands needed, talk to each other, and get more sit time when they chart (cnas tend to have to stand and chart…hmmm)
And sometimes nurses do stay late anyway…won’t hurt if they helped their aides. Nurse aides are to assistant not slave and do all.

4)See if you can find a honest aide. Some nurses take lazy to a new level. They have the aides give the meds and try to get us to work with the ostomy bag and oxygen tanks when were not suppose to. Aides would be honest, but many fear you will say so and so….we have bills.

5)They want your money. They want it badly. Ask the pay of nurse assistants. If they give a range (which is usually a lie) ask to speak to three random aides and ask of their pay. The lowest a aide should make is 12 a hour…if she/he says 12 ask how long they’ve worked here. If over 2 years leave! Usually cnas sadly get 10 or 10 sometimes and at rare 11. A low paying aide means they have two or three cna jobs on the side….do you want a aide who cares for your love one tired and worn out? I seen med aides and nurse aides come to work with red eyes from their other job….

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After being kicked dropped, slapped, a resident tried to touch me after putting her hands in her mouth. I just want out. I applied at in and out burger on Friday aka 1/8/16. They said if I pass interview part one with him I will get a call between then or today sunday………..no call yet ūüė¶
And at this hour of 7:40pm I doubt I passed.
I wish I could make fries and burgers for a decent wage and continue my education.
Cleaning poo and pee, being yelled at by upper staff…is very fat friendly. All the in and out employees were diverse. BUT everyone was skinny and the men fit or very close to fit. The women were super skinny to the fattest employee looked like a size 12, but all the others a size 4-6. ¬†At least I went I thought….maybe fat people deserve a check until they can become skinny to get hired at decent places. In and out burger don’t mind fat customers at least…

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I live alone, my rent increase…..Im finally a sophomore in college after I pass ONE class. ¬†But since I been thinking of going PRN at the nursing home aka work when they have the hours and if I agree to work it vs be on their full time schedule and dealing with mess …full time. Its a risk because my bills are full time not part time. About four-five times almost risk losing my place. I need to look for a different job, but can’t handle where Im at and all the write ups I get and abuse from residents I get. I told D.O.N. not to yell at me over the phone and just talk to me like I am talking to her…next min she finds something to write me up about. If PRN I won’t be a regular and on her radar anymore. I been wanting out, but problem is like many other cnas with our experience its rare any one wants to give us a chance. Hospitals like aides with hospital experience. It never ends.

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Right now I struggle financially, I work at a job with no value and no decent pay.  My mind wants a skinny body with dates, outings, shopping for clothes, and being active and looking great even in the worse clothing choices. I want surgery for skin lift, and a lift in the chest area. I want to feel my bones not soft fat everywhere.

Gets ready for another shift full of poo and pee…and hits….

Never wear make up because what my face will be expose to….

2016 has to be my year it has to….

Why did I see this on my dash…Fucking spoilers

 

 

 

Next post I make: So I told my friend instead of think like a man act like a lady. Why not think like a thin white girl and act like a lady instead?

Didn’t go well, but hear me out on why! On next post.

Trust me I watch my surroundings reason why this blog will someday will be taken down…

Bye Bye…

Off to work…does deep breath…

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Today….

September 5, 2014

Giving binge and purge a break…since yesterday and today.

I’m doing my best not to binge. I have to give my all to force a diet coke instead of a heavy calorie drink and meal. I’m stressed out and full of worry and I found myself looking online on my cell phone at Taco Bells menu, wendys, and mc donalds. Adding calories and seeing it can get so high, but¬†can I have control for a dollar menu item? I knew full well I would go over a dollar and want the real deal. My mouth watered (not lying) and I just laid back down and took a deep breath. Few minutes later I was up rushing to get ready for work (semi limping thanks to ankle spur, but I made it) Through out the day randomly I was temping myself within my mind of cheap mc Donald¬† apple pies, Host brand cupcakes, I wanted a serious binge a real binge…not a pint of ice cream type of binge, but a obese person type of binge. I also had thoughts of me in a two piece and uploading tons of pic.

 

Today I…

Had 1298 calories

Worried about affording school (due 120 on the 10th)

Wanted to cry since my whole life been nothing but a struggle

Wanted to walk off the job, but bills keep me trapped ….cleaning bm and vomit all day, lifting heavy residents and back¬†is killing me.

Thought if slim I would rather be a stripper or a waitress at hooters then this and get paid better. I can’t dance or anything special, but willing to risk it.

Thought it sucks being single….so lonely.

Had a war of yes no yes no yes no to more food.

Felt numb as usual after work. Clock out at 10:02pm, miss bus¬† that comes between 10:02pm-10:04pm, stayed inside and chatted to co-workers who have cars and know I ride the bus (I live in Dallas…enough said. I heard Austin from someone who was blind and moved from Dallas whose co-workers wouldn’t drive her to the a 3 min ride to the train station..says in¬†Austin people are so much nicer vs Dallas) I chatted knowing my bus was gone anyway. Went outside at bus station 10:17pm, bus came at 10:37pm, caught the train in time by forcing myself up a long flight of stairs…stopped mid way to catch my breath, then continued and here came the train. Got to the next bus, bus left at 11:18pm, got home at 11:26pm. It took more then will power to ignore the serious¬†desire for packets of my raman noodles once I got home.

Binging won’t solve my problems that’s for sure, but during the moment its a break from life for me.

Tomorrow I’m going crazy on water and raman (my day off) and study my butt off and hope they drop my class. Ihave came home sometimes only to drop off to sleep asap…so not much studying like I’m suppose to. Its hard to have control on my days off nothing to keep me away from food because I’m so busy….so raman noodles which has two servings per pack at 190 calories per serving,¬† …sounds like a upcoming purge. Gross, but I can’t stay fat forever and not getting any younger. I have to do this to move on with my life.

I’m at the point in my life I will purge, take diet pills, and wish on a shooting star for my results.

 

Thinspo/weight loss quotes I found encouraging.

 

 

 

 

 

Binge eating is self punishment which then becomes a habit- 281.2

September 4, 2014

I mentioned in the past I binged for the first time when I wasn’t fat. I had to deal with my mom being abused, trying to call the cops (before cell phones existed) only for my ex step dad to out run me and snatch the phone cord out the wall, same guy who punched holes in the wall. My first binge was 4-5 peanut butter sandwiches and large cups of sweet fruit punch.¬† At the time I thought he was my real dad and never understood why he treated my two younger sisters better. Any little mistake I did was almost major, I could never do anything right. Besides random women coming to our door when he was at work to say they are having his baby, he was over all terrible. Picture being punched thrown to your knees on hard floors and I felt powerless to stop him from harming her. I begged my mom to leave him when we were alone. Being married ten years to a monster and with a therapist she was seeing to cope with it all threaten to take us away if she didn’t divorce him….then freedom came. No more spankings from someone who closes you in a room with a large grin and spanks you so hard all you can do is scream. I felt unloved, unworthy and lack of attention and all I could do is eat.

I kept in my room coloring. Bending hangers to make shaped ducks, I would take out note book paper and tape it up to draw a large map of pretend islands with blue tribal people with their own way of life and sea and mammal life. I went out to the backyard and saw our star fruit tree. Bright yellow fruit and I thought if I plucked them down and sold them I could make some money. Being young a dollar is being rich. I went door to door (I believe 5 homes) and sold each fruit for 25 cents. I came home proud and told my step dad with joy in my eyes. He took me and gave back the money to each home and told them to keep the fruit. They even told him he could keep the 25 cents,but he wouldn’t have any of it.

I still fight with these demons of I’m a failure, can’t do anything right and my young under aged self only ate. I feel I missed out on my younger years and teens because it was filled with sadness. I was forced to go to church, I prayed and even danced in the pews to upbeat music, and in my prayers would beg God to save me and save me from myself. Sometimes praying for him to let me die. Nothing happened and made it known I’m not going to church to give away money to make the pastors look good. Pastors who brag on their flawless skin, cars, and going to the holy land to five star hotels as some members struggled to keep their lights on. Anything bad happened it was God was testing us anything Good God was blessing us, if someone died it was their time if they lived God saved them.

As a teen trying to discover and find myself. I got a book on past lives. I was 14 or 15. My faith came back that God is real and that its ok. I will be ok and I no longer feared death if I was coming back anyway. Mom found that and threw it away and off to church I was meaning never missing a Sunday. Back was my fear and all things neg. Since the church had preached against Harry Potter, part one and two that my nana had bought me was in the trash too.

 

My strict christian upbringing ( use to secretly try to listen to Eminem, and oldies and more so rock music…since that was worldy music), witnessing abuse, and my envy of my classmates….Peter was behind in math mommy and daddy got him a tutor for the reason why he was no longer in ESE math with us. My mom told me I should of paid attention and ask the teacher. I wasn’t a rapid learner like my younger sister, so I was sent upstairs to figure it out as my mom continued with my sister. I went ahead and watched cartoons after trying to figure it out. I wanted to cry….but food and bugs bunny made it all better. The school simply passed me through since I already didn’t get to go to the next grade that year before.¬†

 

Unloved, slow/not smart, I can’t do anything right……….I ate. I was labeled and I was bullied in middle school. I could never win.

 

When I look in the mirror I see my weight as a self reflection of pain, sadness, and stress.

And when I go out the door everyone can see it.

I now say food just tastes good….when really binging was the only thing that I could do to cope.

Even on rare good days I would binge. Its now  habit no matter the mood I forever have to tame.

 

I still do binge , but then I purge to give myself a second chance…or a third…fourth…

 

Yesterday (1:44am now) I didn’t binge. It felt so odd not to binge. To ignore the urge for a cheap cheese burgers and dollar fries. Hours I had to do my best to ignore the real desire for it. I saw it in my mind’s eye biting into soft bread¬† in to cheese and meat and drinking large gulps of orange Hi-C (refill please). At work I rubbed my stomach (some thought I had a stomach ache) as comfort.

 

YESTERDAY I had:

1) One mango snapple 200 calories

2) Soda 190 calories

3) One cup of watermelon 46 calories

= 436 calories

 

 

Binging today (without purging) is a form of self punishment, purging is another form of self punishment,but gives you another chance. Not binging gives your body a break. Binging isn’t done for fun or on purpose. It is strong and majority of the time when you try to ignore it, it only gets stronger until you cave in and regret promising yourself tomorrow.¬† To outsiders its all about will power, and why do you eat so much, or just have a small portion…if it was that simple no one would be obese.

In my opinion.

 

Anyone who binges a real binge a actual binge. They have a past that trigger them to binge like so…it could be:

1) Moving out of their parents home

2) Copying their friends or marriage/boyfriend/girlfriend eating habits.

3) Many rape victims end up binging or other eating disorders. Its common to be slim, get raped and now obese. Without knowing it you are trying to hide your beauty in fat to prevent from ever being harmed again (larger women can be raped too, but if slim some gain weight)

4) Moving on to the next grade and being the only one who knows no one

5) Medication can increase appetite (depending on drug)

6) Extreme boredom

7) Depression

The list can be long.

 

At some point no matter how your day went it also becomes a habit.

 

 

When people see a thin person they never think how they stay or became thin. They are the picture of IDEAL health. I’m losing weight, my co-workers are impressed at the rapid weight drop. They think I eat normal or a lot (depending on who you ask), but its my job working on my feet keeping the pounds flying off (WRONG, low calories or purging).

A woman who is a size 14 can be healthier then a woman a size 6.

 

I don’t have time for healthy and not in the mood for slow results.

I want people to see me and want my size, I want to be loved and desired, I want people to see me not oh the big girl, I want men to want me (not just any man, but my type aka going somewhere or already there in life), I don’t want people to see the fat black girl and place me in a box, I want the nicest clothes, I want to wake up thinking ok my life sucks, but I have this amazing body, I want to take a lot of pictures, I want to enjoy life…..because I can…because society will say it’s ok and won’t limit me or ban me due to my size/weight.¬†

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never judge those who are very massive in size.

August 23, 2014

I will be honest. When I see those who are super obese class 4 of obesity….I feel bad. Either I feel bad for their struggles (some I share) or deep down kinda disgusted on what I see. I look at my own body with total hate. Only recently I’m trying to embrace it. I see my own rolls, the skin discoloration between my legs from rubbing for years, and other negative things. Some..if not most who lost weight become anti fat and pro hate towards something they use to be and seem to fear of returning. After weight loss forgetting the times their ideal woman or man over looked them for the skinny or other non fat body type; They too will ignore those of larger size and sometimes weight loss can end a marriage that should of never been.

I work in a nursing home. In America from white, black and Latino I have seen residents 400-500 pounds easy. Few are short and my weight, but worse due to their height. I see the large pockets of fat hanging from their legs, their age is only 40’s and 50’s yet stuck where the elderly reside , they should be enjoying life and doing everyday things. My wrist hurts from trying to lift heavy legs into the bed, from trying to help them stand, it took six workers to lift one, mean while….

I was in some form of depression. I turned 27 recently this month. 27 no marriage, no kids, no nothing. Just struggling to pay bills and for once finish college, working hard to the point the residents feel bad for me that it seems I am doing more work vs the others. I was binging on affordable foods such as Debbie cupcakes (2-3 packs a day aka 4-6 cupcakes total), lots of pepsi and mountain dew as I was thinking I need to stop…I have to stop….they are my future if I don’t stop. At night I would cook a whole thing of pasta (1 dollar) and put a lot of cheese and meat flavored spaghetti sauce and right after work…I would eat…eat….11pm…eat…eat…12am…full….but force it down. It was so good, but I wasn’t hungry. At times I was so full I felt the food still in my throat….yet here I was complaining America is getting real huge. Not normal size weight gain like being 30 pounds over weight, but 100 plus.

 

Yet here I was no control like others in every day life, like the some of the residents, and I think back how others don’t want to help you afraid of taking out their backs, or mention they don’t want to touch someone who has fat spilling like that, I recall years ago elsewhere a resident told me I give her the best showers…the others seem to just hose her and rush her out and act like they don’t want to touch her.¬† So yes being fat you may not get the best care. I hate it because I don’t treat people like that and do it even if I don’t want to do whatever …..which gives me a lot of people requesting me….=/equals being over worked.

I move slow. My walk has been real slow due to my weight gain. My mind wants to go faster, but my body won’t let me.

A couple of weeks ago I thought to myself why I’m I punishing myself? Stress happens, rude and mean people exist, bills will always come yet I punish myself by forcing food into myself to cope. I continued to think how all this weight I have to carry daily is all the pain, hurt, feelings of never getting attention, my childhood, my life now, men. I eat out of stress and sadness, then it becomes I eat because my body memory expects large amounts of food at certain times where I think I feel hungry when really its false.

I hear others talk about how they want to leave the health field because people are becoming too heavy to care for. It is hard. You have to use your all to complete tasks that would be fast for thin or average sized people. Even chubby is ok, but actual obese no. If I needed help I too would be too heavy to care for. 

I no longer work where beautiful women made me envy and I would try everyday and everyday I would fail a diet. Many were far from butter face…I think the job had special hiring practices and allowed some of us who were not modal thin or average sized to come on through to not make one to question( I’m guessing). Where I work now some are butter face, average, fat, older and younger. Where I use to work a woman would be slim in her 40’s and look amazing and made me try harder. Where I work now….you have to be your own inspiration.

The whole time I go to work and binge and regret. For many days, weeks and past a month for sure. I would cry alone at home to myself because life is so hard when you lack $$$$ and knowing that if thin life would of been better.

 

It was only five days ago that I came back mentally. After lifting heavy legs into bed, and being a favorite with another resident and lifting her gut up to wipe her and struggling to fit the wipe between her thigh just to…you got the picture. I just snapped out of it. After doing this nearly two months hearing a resident mention shes going to try to diet and a few hours later had ribs, cake and ice cream and then another wanting double portions and lots of snacks….I thought I have to stop punishing myself and try again. Not give up.

I been on low carb for three days and then ate normally (no pasta….huge trigger), but only cut it down. At night like tonight I been drinking coke zero (cherry flavor). The night eating is what gets me.

I never been this heavy in my whole life. 330 pounds. A shameful 330 I don’t mind sharing which leaves people in shock.

Today 314 pounds. I have a long ways to go, but if I didn’t stop I would of been 400 in no time. I can’t afford to be fat. I only have myself to depend on. Plus I want to live, jump,run,love,and have new experiences my weight stopped me from.

The question I’m asked all the time: Why are you single?

July 13, 2014

These days I pretend that yes I been sexually active, and that I have a few ex’s that didn’t work out. I make up stories just to appear normal and not have people see almost 27 year old me never had any form of a relationship. Even though its not as rare as many think. Thanks to watching porn in the past and reading sexual health columns in magazines when a co-worker shares how she loves sex and the moves a fling does to her body that leaves her hurting I make up stuff like yea …um I like that too?¬†

I’m asked by residents/patients at work who I care for and have become a favorite for some of them. How is a beautiful girl like me single? Beautiful….no. Single…yes. Even a bed bound Asian woman who use to question and said I can’t touch her (to help her) wanted to know I’m I married and how many marriages I had? I said….zero. You? She said one (I love her accent) There are a few residents in their 20’s who I can tell would ask me out now that they know me….but it shouldn’t take a guy to be in a nursing home who depends on you and pretty much disabled for life to see I would make a great partner.¬†

 

Nigerian nurse want tells me when were alone how black american men just want to have sex and babies and leave…I can’t deny that because thats what kept me real single with tons of no’s and care less if people consider me a lesbian in hiding. He went on how in his culture the men don’t beg or want women to give them money or to take care of them. Honestly I was impressed. Where I live majority of black men beg me for money even when I stop to tell them my struggles and how I pretty much broke they ask for that instead or don’t want to hear it.

At the end of the day I been single and still single today. It hurts when people ask me why I’m I single. Or told a guy should be taking care of you. And when I tried lying¬† that yes I have someone they say he should do better why are you walking after work in this unsafe area.

It already hurts deep down I never had a relationship before because I refuse to settle. I just hate when people ask me since I’m already down about it. I don’t believe in love. People see a fat girl and think great I don’t have to try so hard. A skinny girl gets it all.

 

 

THE GUYS I GET:

1) One who burps and tells me he knows I do it too, and kept calling me mama and felt we should be girl friend and boyfriend. Mean while a average size black girl gets his friend (who was white) who wants a career in law/justice who bought her candy and treated her like a lady. Instead I got tap dancing and burping guy wanting to know whats wrong with me.

2) The stalker who was obsessed with my rear end who bang on my door and window until one day police stopped him.

3) A group of latino guys in a passing car yelling look at that ass. When average size black girl has a group of latino guys passing her by and one stops to tell her how beautiful she was.

4) I get guys offering me (free of charge mind you) sex and I should have their baby.

5) Or on the long walk to the train station guys offer me rides asking where I want to go….never offer during the day and no I don’t get in with them. Talk about going missing for life.

 

WHY I’M SINGLE:

 

1) My area.

Where I live many women are single with or have kids and married, but don’t make enough to leave the area. I found out by a former manager its also high in abuse rate here too.¬† Daily who look well groomed beg in front of 7-11’s and the near by train station. Only minutes away is a whole foods, and other high retail stores….because once a upon a time my area I found out in the 60’s was considered high class. With your every day guys waiting for a truck to pick them up for random jobs to corner stores and at night with druggies walking about….who wants to date anyone in this area?

 

2) My job…s

I work in a nursing home.¬† In my past job in skinny girl heaven….many were women and gay guys. And a few married men and a few guys too young for anyone. Between jobs working for the old and failing health to retail with gay men and women…I don’t have really have much choices and on top of everything I’m fat meaning I would be last to be picked anyway. And the few straight guys around my age where looking for…good times? Rather then a actual relationships.

3) I don’t do fun things

I go to work and home. Unless I go to buy some food. Its back home for me. I don’t know what really would be fun for me. All I see is long bus/train rides somewhere and if I can skip hours on a bus going and coming I rather skip going somewhere then ride anywhere. So I don’t meet people unless by mistake at work

4) I’m fat

You can look ugly in the face and have a shapeless body, but if slim you have a better chance at a relationship vs being fat. The guys who were normal meaning not interested in having babies out of wedlock, had goals…were not interested in me. I would only get close when I lost a major amount of weight, but still fat….but was coming close…kinda.

5) Fear

As a teen no father like many other black kids I would meet. It effected me differently. I fear men in general no matter the race. Only had two guys who seem to be on the ok side, but fear kicked in. Thoughts of being used and left alone and heart broken stop me and made me pretty much run away from a possible relationship. One was a black guy. My mom’s friend son. He liked me. He wore his pants up, very neat and came from a decent back round and wasn’t bad at all. Fear crept in and I made sure to avoid him. Today I heard he is a father MARRIED and has a degree. The other was a biracial guy who wanted to be a modal. He would call my mom…mom. I didn’t see why he wanted my teenage 300 pound self then. I would get dirty stares from other girls because I guess they felt the same as I did why is he sitting next to me and wanting me of all people?

Fear¬† of being hurt and heart broken made me miss out as a teen. The other black guys who wanted me (classmates) years later have kids out of wedlock and on to the next girl…my ultimate fear of becoming a temp. good time and good bye.

 

I will be continued to be asked why I’m single…and why is someone like me is not married yet? Dreams of raising kids in a loving marriage sounds like something I can’t reach or have sometimes. I hope my future gets better…seems to becoming more darker and lonely.

 

Intro: Water fast day ONE- Yes I will complete this one. 325 pounds.

June 8, 2014

https://i0.wp.com/comps.canstockphoto.com/can-stock-photo_csp0110134.jpg

 

FASTING RULE NUMBER 1:

Never do a fast under stress.

I SAY: Unless your retired and live in the mountains stress happens. Stress happens to me a lot. Like maybe losing my place next month if not hired fast enough (applied to 10 jobs today), or when employed dealing with residents or/and managers, or not being able to afford something I really wanted….the list goes on and many others have stress out there too. Its a true gift to have a non stressful life. Some people stress over good things such as what to wear on a date, their first house, child, throwing the perfect party. If many go based on not having stress than many can never fast in their lives.

 

FASTING RULE NUMBER 2:

Try to relax and stay away from hard exercises.

I SAY: If you have a demanding job psychically…what else can you do? You would of failed a fast at a office desk job just as much. Its harder, but possible. Any diet or fast is all mental. Anything you do which is good or bad starts in the mind. If someone turns you on it all starts in the mind, if you want to steal it all¬† started in the mind….just like me going out in the dead of the night thanks to chocolate mental images of candy. The advice given about fasting seems it is geared to people who can take it easy. Plus when I fast I’m sorry I will do some sort of exercise to increase the weight loss.

FASTING RULE NUMBER 3:

Prepare for a water fast by eating fruits and veggies and maybe some light soups.

I SAY: For me I have to go cold turkey. The idea of sipping or soups and eating clean….rubs my food addiction the wrong way. Any diet I been on feels like a self tease of what I really want. It would be grand to start off the right track and of my budget of zero income…..water is pretty cheap. I have distilled water in a gallon, but if I have to there is a sink…I mean my cats are healthy and then been drinking sink water for over a year now. Honestly even if I had 5000 dollars I rather go cold turkey. I have tried clean eating first only to have a burger and some type of pie or cake after.

 

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WHAT REALLY SPEEDS UP WATER FASTING RESULTS

1) A low salt diet helps with rapid weight loss. If you eat a low sodium diet¬† your body doesn’t hold on to water. By water fasting and sipping/drinking water and low salt aka only water SOME of the weight loss is water weight. Not all, but a few pounds is water weight.

2) If you don’t eat your body has to use whats inside of you for fuel. Thats why many suffer low energy some days when water fasting. No carbs, sugar, ect. to give you a boost. Only bacteria, fat, and what not.

3) Lack of calories.

 

WHAT I WILL TELL MYSELF TO COPE:

1) I’m not going to die.

2) Grocery stores, fast foods, restaurants will not go out of business as soon as I go on a water fast.

3) Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, and many more who are very well off even have to suffer diets, exercise plans just to look average or really good. Takes suffering (yes for me just not touching food alone). Even the ones who claim not to do anything to seem they were genetically lucky have to work hard too.

4) Life sucks, but eating/binging won’t cure it…..makes it worse.

5) If I feel odd, mentally weak, or a sudden empty tummy feelings….have to remind myself that I ate that before, and if it’s different in culture of food….its really not that different. Meat, sweet, wheat,…I mean all foods are related just made a little different or use of meat that may not be common to you. Nothings truly new.

6) Romance vs food, wedding vs food, a actual relationship vs food, cute clothes vs food……

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WATER FASTING TIPS (At least for me…remember don’t copy me I’m desperate)

1) Going back to my nightly roots…..fetal position..and comfort myself and try my hardest to shift my thoughts to endless date nights, and single digit clothing tag shopping sprees instead of all things soft and sweet.

2) A shower…a shower makes me feel like I’m restarting and cleansing myself of worries, sadness, and just in general just starting over. Kinda like starting a whole new day.

3) Self massage of the stomach. With slight pressure on my stomach (for obvious reasons).

4) For me forcing myself to drink water increases my desire for food…so drink water when I feel like it. No gum, no diet soda….this is a pure water fast.

5) Rest when possible if needed.

6) When I was losing weight, sometimes brushing my teeth helped…sometimes. I mean a fresh minty mouth biting into something wonderful sometimes happened too.

7) Sounds crazy, but I recall placing a ice pack or a zip lock full of ice on my stomach. Oddly this worked sometimes in the past.

8) This works so well I don’t do it because I want to eat. Any food you really…really want picture it, and imagine it full of pinkish/brownish worms all oozing out of it, and dipping back in.

 

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WHAT I ATE YESTERDAY:

*Not all at one time, just through out the day.

1) Two boxes of uncooked great valued brand of shells (enriched macaroni) of course cooked. Each box has 8 servings, 200 calories per serving, serving size 3/4 (laughable yes).

2) Three jars of great value (yes on a serious budget, cheap and creamy goodness), classic Alfredo.  7 servings per jar, 45 calories per serving, serving size 1/4.

3) One reeses peanut buttercup (two cups per package) calories I think are 200.

4) From the frozen section one Boston Market meal (country fried beef steak)  520 calories.

5) One Sara lee cherry flavored cheesecake. Yes ate the whole thing in one sitting. Serving size 1/4, 4 servings per pie, 340 calories per slice…again I ate the whole med. size pie.

How many calories? I don’t feel like counting and I know its a lot. And deep down I don’t want to know my damage.

 

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MEASUREMENTS

Around waist/stomach: 57 inches

Upper Left arm: 21 in, upper Right arm: 20 in

Right thigh 35 1/2 , Left thigh:35 1/2

Right calf: 21 in, left calf 20 in

Bum: 54 in

 

 

PHOTOS:

Photos taken sometime yesterday.

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Because I’m concerned about job hunting I found myself eating…more..more..and more. I know people judge others based on weight no matter how covered up and well dressed you are. By binging on cheap foods I’m doing more harm then good.¬† The length of the fast is unknown to me. Just going to take it one day at a time. After I’m done I will print only this page and the rest of the fasting pages. I will force myself and take my own advice on these pages. I know I can do this. Its 6/8/14 and the time 5:20am now.

 

RANDOM:

Its based on my opinion on what I hope my body mimics in the future….its never too late. If I was 50 I still would be aiming for the slender marry me next week, I’m sexy cute look.

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I love the whole Nicki Minji curvy body type…..just I love the slender body even more. The slender body can go anywhere….not just a rap video. A slender body can travel, and even if someone says you need to eat….in their mind you should, but global you win!

 

I’m black. It helps. I mean people assume that I’m black that I have a church I call home and want to either be fat and proud or desire to lose weight for a curvy build. Sometimes I still joke how I want a thick body, but want to lose weight and I mention curvy girls that most non black women on average don’t want as a body goal. And they believe me besides getting its a joke. Kim K is popular with many, but not me. I feel shes a little too big goal wise. And nothing wrong with their sizes (plus size women) just slender women regardless of race/age seem so elegant if they want to. Plus size women can too, but I feel we have to try harder to find the right clothes to pull it off. A slim woman can have a ugly butter face, but men focus on the neck down. Yet will look her in the face and say how beautiful she is. Thinness is very powerful.

Do you know how I felt being rung up by a cashier in her 50’s, greying hair with blonde, slight bent back, slim like maybe a size 6, with missing teeth tells me she is only working for fun. Her guy doesn’t want her to, but open minded enough for her to. He loves her and works all the time and to kill boredom she decided to work part time….and me single with all my teeth so far, just unfair and the only love I get are my cats:(

The real killer is hearing recently about a size 0 BLACK girl having some 50 something year old guy taking her out to dinner, buying gifts, and wants to take things serious (she said no over and over) that could lead to marriage. I’m not big on dating too young or too older then me, but when a older guy does see me he thinks of sex and good bye. Size zero girl is treated like a princess. I get treated like a street walker.

 

Day one….day one….I can do this….

 

 

 

I want to eat so badly that my foot has been fidgeting for the past two hours. 317 pounds and no Krispy Kreme job yet.

April 17, 2014

Last week I found out looking better then when I applied for the job….that the call I got was a huge mistake! I was shocked and I mean he said my name, dialed my number and told me to come in. The hiring manager was a woman. Asked me for my name and she said she never had called me ūüė¶¬† I sat there feeling awful. She told me to go ahead and stay. I sat there as other people were interviewed as I gazed out the window and ease dropping on the interviews. I snacked on a apple pie doughnut to numb my emotions and help pass the time giving me a small sugar happy feeling. I talked to one who was waiting her turn for her interview and she was nice.

Would you believe I passed interview part one? …..only because they were desperate since no wants to come in 3-4am in the morning and im desperate for A job again A job. Since I’m a bus/train rider I will have to wait somewhere in the dark three hours before my shift starts since transportation doesn’t run 24/7.

I was told I have to do another interview with someone else. Part two interview. In my mind I’m thinking this is not a high paying job or anything dealing with corporate why two interviews just to make donuts? So she talked with the other manager (because the same person can’t interview you) he agreed for me to interview with him next week.

 

Yesterday was the next week (April 16th 2014) I get dressed, make up check, double check myself in the mirror and off I went. Rushing and hurrying off, catching my breath. I did my best to hurry up three flights of stairs for the train after a 20 min walk (short cut included) to the train station. I breathed so hard I made sure to wait in the corner away from other people because three flights of stairs makes me breath so hard it seems like I’m dying and people stare.

I get there in only a few minutes. I hurry inside and I let them know I am here for interview two!

I was told that she would be right with me (she?? …) and to go ahead and take a seat.

I sit down surrounded by glaze,colorful, pretty little things called donuts. The smell of donuts was breath taking.

My interview was 1:30pm I came in at 1:29 on the dot!

I waited…..customers came in and order, then no customers in sight I sat there waiting…waiting…..1:45pm.

The girl told me that the one who was suppose to interview me quit in the spot Sunday! He had only been working there two weeks. My jaw almost hit the floor! I thought wow…ok so will she interview me again for part two I was thinking :/

She said she can’t since I was interviewed by her last time.

She told me to wait and asked if I’m willing to come back maybe after 5pm for another supervisor to interview me since the manager had quit.

I said sure. So she called him no answer…she texted…no answer from him. She told me to wait a minute and off she went back behind the counters as I waited for this person to call/text her back to see what we can do.

2pm….I’m sitting there all done up. Fighting the urge to request five donuts without shame. I started day dreaming of forcing myself back there and munching on all the donuts I wanted until I was arrested. The longer I had to wait the more I wanted to eat, I caught myself several times chewing on my nails,fidgeting, looking around feeling stupid.

I thought to myself when the man quit Sunday why didn’t anyone call me? Why didn’t on Monday she talked to the supervisor telling him I was coming on Wed can he interview me instead? Then call me and tell me of any changes? Instead I rushed to a interview that never happened, I came on time and sat there past the hour.¬† Why not just skip part two interview and get me on the pay roll and lets get started? At least think she came, she waited so long let her have the job.

One of the workers ask me whats going on? She saw me come 1:30pm, I sat there and next minute it was 2:40pm. I got up from my seat. Yes I’m fat,but I can’t sit long and I had to use the bath room. I went to use their bath room and door was locked. I was about to ask for a key and thought forget this and told the worker to tell the manager that I’m really ok coming in next time!

She did and came back and told me she said she will call me next week. She was nice and told me to make sure I call if I don’t hear from anyone (no joke). The two ladies working there were nice and already seem to like me and said everyone gets along here.

So the saga continues.

 

Its 1:28am now and I’m still fidgeting (laying down typing essay for school and now blogging)

I’m going to force myself to sleep since the longer I stay up the more powerful it is to eat.

Like old times…………back in fetal position and think happy thoughts that don’t include food.

 

Three days ago scale read 325, today 317. So sad, but if I don’t stop it now…

 

 

Letting go of friendship (Refuse to be the fat friend who puts up with shit anymore) 314.8 pounds

April 4, 2014

I am told I’m funny (how I explain things)

I am told I am real funny and are you making this up? (Because my life sucks and bad things tend to happen to me, it feels pretty often)

I am told I am kind and forgiving (I have my limits)

Besides grown up shows….shhhh I do like watching fairly odd parents, sponge bob sometimes and a childhood fav Johnny Bravo (he loved the thin girls), and oldies such as good times, and all in the family…I been told Im behind in time.

I’m told Im slow because I like peace over violence. I rather walk away from mess then stay in it. Once when got so mad I said a CURSE word! I was then told oh wow I thought you were slow….only because they notice I rather walk away or ignore whats really going on. Was called slow by …friends? Both black, both think the N word is ok even though the true history of it makes it not ok ga or er at the end doesn’t matter. Nor I’m I the one with kids and single…not slow. Plus if I was slow…thats rude to even randomly bring it up.

Im told I’m smart

I’m shy and sometimes suffer social anxiety when new to a person.

 

 

Its 2014.

The year I would of been a size 8 by now if never laid off from my job.

I been wanted to do this, but my heart said no what about their feelings? What about my feelings?

 

Within three months I let go of two pointless relationships.

Never really helpful and at times made me feel worse about myself or just very much annoyed.

 

 

 

Friendship #one: Shes there for the storm.

I let this one go about three weeks ago. People say they wish they had a friend to be there for the storm…well I had one that was there for my storms because she thought it was highly funny. I get laid off, next week bed bugs so I sleep on the floor, ….the list is endless. In the past I get a crazy roommate who hears voices and desires me sexually even though she said shes straight…this friend thought that was funny when I lived in fear.

She was the only friend I had close in age who lived in the same state as me. We met four years ago when I was new to Texas. She was a size 10, thick thighs and like some other black women/girls wanted to gain more weight…I told her thats not a good idea, but she ignored that. Oddly enough when we binge on a shared pizza (I eat three she eat the rest) she would pull over to vomit.

We would fuss and sadly when I fuss its not meaningful and mean sounding vs she let me have it like a stranger in the streets. Sometimes she treated me like a child who didn’t know any better.

Once we went to panda express and as she was paying her purse was open and there it was….a bag of CHIPS. I was hungry and waiting for my turn. I thought this was my friend, so why not. I took a chip out and she snatched her purse away. Because of that I didn’t want to eat anymore. Shame washed over me. She told me off only where I could hear to the point deep down I wanted to cry. SHe then got mader because I refuse to order anything to eat and just wanted to go home. Yes I may been in the wrong for touching the chips thanks to all logic out the window…I have a serious eating disorder, but wish she didn’t act like that.

Another time I was text joking her saying I know everything about you (p.s she said the same months before because I told a lot about myself…whats there to hide?). She then called me and we talked everything was cool. Then she snapped saying what the fuck you know about me?! You don’t know anything about my life!! I was so shocked I almost drop my phone!

She said she had to wait until she left work to tell me off.

The final straw was …like I said I am shy too shy when new to people and a large group of people even family is too much for me. even in large family settings like thanksgiving I would hurry and grab my plate and go upstairs where there was very few people to none. She ask me to go out with her…I thought about it because I rather stay home. I said sure why not thinking it would be only us. I told her my upbringing, I told her about my social anxiety which she said I don’t have not understanding that I’m use to her now, but with others….strangers I have to fake it. I told her everything. Long story short her and a large group of people from work, people from work and reg friends were coming too! I needed her to do a favor for me, but if she was going to do it she said I have to come. When I questioned her, she told her co-workers about me and others and they thought I was funny and wanted to see me. Im sorry ,but the idea was too much and just the idea is making me chew my nails now. And why a group of strangers know more about me then I know them? I told her no…she told me off badly and she had a cal come through and said hold on…I hung up as if I was going to stay on the line to be cursed out.

I believe she told them I was coming and by saying no maybe made her look bad?

Long time a ago about 3 and a half years ago she asked me if I wanted to join her and her friends in a club? Remember I’m 5’10 and 300 back then as well, clumsy walk, and I dress average due to my size not much exist. I was in a rare¬† odd mood and said yes. She got quite over the phone and said oh wow….i didn’t expect you to say yes. I only asked to be nice. I was shocked thinking why ask at all? I’m not a clubber so no lost to me.

Now she mentions me a lot to her friends, the things I say, how funny I am, ect and now I’m cool enough to hang out with?

Nope.

We had many bad moments which is normal in any relationship, but the way she told me off was like being on the set of reality tv like I just slap her mother and now what?! Just because I said no…..we had bad moments and when we do they were too extreme for me. I’m not into pity things being over blown. We had good times like trying on clothes (pointless for me), but this suppose to friendship should of been over.

There were times she would do it just for sport tell me:

1) Im single (she was too, but had a bf before)

2) When your going to lose weight??

3)Your not living (I agree), but I don’t think clubbing and drinking like her is a form of living either.

She believed in races staying with each other only…even though like most black men her brother was with a white girl most considered the town slut back in her state because she was known for the best blow jobs.

She try to set me up with other black guys who didn’t mind my size…I never needed help in this area and told her no,no,no,no.

The black guys when I questioned her over and over she admit yes he is a drug dealer, BUT….

He likes big girls and did abuse his last girlfriend, BUT…..

And the best one let me find a black guy for you, so you can have sex. I think you will like it….again its not hard to find any man for sex. I want a RELATIONSHIP thats normal and does nothing illegal. Her partner is a former pimp…he claims.

Worse the biracial gay guy she said maybe us two can knock out two stones in one him having sex with a girl for the first time and me having sex for the first time.

Someday I hope to have a family and don’t want my future kids thinking its ok to be a certain way because I call this a friend.

Like she would call me a bitch and told me she calls her other friends bitches. I told her I’m not into that just like a former friend many years ago called me nigga…thats not what I am or believe in. I have one who sometimes use it as a form of joking the N word….thats her main flaw and I never forgot she said sometimes people think your slow (read the above why) ….I never forgot that. When I move back home I may just lose many contacts.

 

 

I met my twin at the job I had quit from. Both black, both were called white girls behind our backs, and both want a better future, and both understand each other it was unreal finding someone almost like me.

 

 

 

Friendship# two

I known her for four years as well. A woman in her late 40’s. Behind her back at work people called her crazy because stranger or not she would walk up to you and tell you about all her family problems and she gave all her family nicknames. Picture someone coming up to you saying and talking real fast to the point you ask her to repeat : Boom and toto did cherry blossom wrong and if my daddy was a live he would whip chucky back in place. I told her (we met at work) I don’t know what or who these people are.¬† Then she say her sister be gaping…my first thought was this sexual? I ask her one day whats gaping means? She told me shes both hood and country and I need to keep up if I want to roll with her. I said ok…so it means? She then told me it means lazy and don’t want to do anything.When I told her what I’m going through she say quickly been there done that! As if ok move on. If I mention something going on at work she say my daddy raised me (he raised his other daughters, but they didn’t turn out like her) and I don’t have time for all that feminine stuff…she say that a lot. She said women like to get their nails done, hair done and I just add grease and put my hair in a pony tail I don’t have time for that. And her daughter is a lesbian and don’t understand how…..her daughter was raised by her who always put down being feminine and her daughter dresses and appears almost like a boy I thought she would be proud. When I try to talk she talk over me and every time I say I have to go now she would say , but one more thing…..hours later and tired it would take my phone dying to hang up on her on its own. I could order food, watch tv and she still be talking and talking real fast. And when she at rare had no more to say she would breath on the phone and I would listen to it and when I say well ok…we have nothing else to talk about. She would start talking again and fast. It became¬† chore to even answer her calls or listen. There were times I ignore her for a couple of months then come back by calling.

Recently she got injured on the job and she can’t work for a moment. So she has more time to talk. I been busy trying to find jobs, school and help to try and prevent me from being homeless on the streets. She get upset I couldn’t make it to her doctor visit when I was going to go, but she said she didn’t want me to feel left out and her other friend was going…well other friend canceled and she called me over and over, I was sleep. I didn’t mind going even if her longer known friend was coming.

She then got worse saying how when she needs people everyone wants to drop off like leaves she went on and on until I snapped! I told her shes not the only one suffering, Im in debt too, I need a job, I’m in school, and live in a area I wish I never moved to but had no choice, I have a lot going on and stop thinking its just YOU. I have needs too that I’m trying to meet. I told her Im the one that every time I say nice things, try to uplift her with kind words¬† and be positive and put my issues on silent and listen ONLY to you you been shooting me down, making me feel bad. Like I told her she will make it and everything will be ok. She then says listen (my name here) Im not stupid and not born yesterday ….she repeated this when I only met well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the first time ever she was quite. She never heard me talk like that to her. I told her she makes me feel bad just for saying nice things. I then went out my way to give her a number that may help her with her rent. For her b day I got her a gift bag which I will be now keeping. I have that effect on people I am nice, but at some point in months or years or a few weeks its only so much I can handle.

The last and final talk we will ever have…

We were talking ….she was talking and she refuse to text she said when I call she has a favor of me. I called and¬† after 30min of her talking I said….sorry to interrupt,but you mentioned you needed something from me? She said oh yea I just wanted to know if you had a scale to weigh her plates…I said no. I then said that was all? She then began talking over me not ever hearing my question even when I repeated it twice more. I then thought ok well this will be a long convo.

She said her lawyer told her that her apt can’t put her out and to talk to the land lord.

All I said was my aunt was able to stay at her apt for months for free years ago. She had a landlord who told her how shes not sure why she won’t charge her and my aunt moved to a whole new state with only a few dollars. So I told her maybe her land lord will be nice enough about it, but most only care about money such as my land lords. She then cuts me off saying IM TOO NEGATIVE. And thats why she don’t ask me to roll with her because im too negative! I went blink and shocked!

I mean she been begging me to come over for weeks, she always ask could I go out with her, she wanted me at her doctor visits now its thats why she never asks me to roll aka go out with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A total lie. And I snapped.

I told her I been nice, and tired of …she then tries to cut me off again like always I said NO. I said LISTEN to me!

I been nice, helpful and was only speaking the truth its very rare that a landlord will let you live there for free and I said the same goes for me! I told her its  maybe and how tired of her calling me neg., tired of her ways that every time I say something nice and how she will be ok its I think shes stupid. For the first time it was reallllll silent I stop to see if she said say anything , but she said nothing. I told her Im done and for the first time ever hung up on her.

The first first friend use to nice ol me thinking I would just forget her ways of telling me off and think nothing of it called me.

I answer thinking she was going to say sorry at least, like always she didn’t.¬† I told her I was at least expecting a apology. She said why and for what? And then said I should say sorry to her…I said let me go I’m kinda busy and never called her back. She text me and text me fuck this…I still have the text.

I wish I done this a long time ago. No more over blown convos being told off. I told her I’m a adult and not allowing this anymore. No more endless convos till my phone dies.

 

I’m far from perfect and not a angel even though many think I am. If I wasn’t fat I may have been working at hooters for fast and easy tips serving hot greasy wings to people. Or if thin likely dating three guys to see who is the best one for me, and more likely married with kids with a wild past. My fat kinda holds things back on who I am. Like people say when people lose weight they change….not true its just that society tells them they are now perfect, beautiful and now are allowed to flirt with a random stranger without being turned down, to apply for jobs that are for hot people only without being laughed at, ect.

When I hang around older people (40’sthrough 60s) we could be riding in a car and they point out a stranger a thin girl in cute short shorts and a flat tummy saying she just dressing that way because a little sun is out, or a thin woman their own age slim in cute boots and a light sweater is put down too.¬† When cars drive by they judge you, people judge you….little do they know when thin I too will get into the shortest shorts I can find, in my 40s and beyond I too will dress cute. Because I’m fat I guess they feel I feel the same as them. They are average weight or could lose some weight.

But letting these two go has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.

 

 

I’m back…BIGGER, more DEPRESSED, and pretty much hopeless.

April 2, 2014

When I first started this blog. I was fat, kinda hopeful. I don’t recall my weight when I first started this blog. I would have to look back myself. I worked for a nice retail store that sold 500$ short shorts. I loved that place. I remember feeling so shocked that 300 pound me even got the position as a stock person. I remember seeing all those thin women and thinking ok well fake it and don’t expect a call back. When I did I remember almost screaming for joy! Ten dollars a HOUR and FULL TIME. I had maybe a few dollars on me and used all my money to pay for rent meaning if it wasn’t for me landing the job….I wouldn’t have a apartment.

My former co-workers were average weight to obese like myself. We ate, watch and cared for the elderly and ate some more. The few thin ones couldn’t be compared to retail sales women. All made up, always dressed nice, it was like working around teen and adult models. Some looked like your everyday person, but many were like ….why not me?

I always wanted to be thin (size 4 and under). But working in this environment of workers being the majority aka thin. The desire grew stronger. Walking 30 minutes to work fast as my hog size legs could take me, then going up three flights of stairs just to clock in, then standing on my feet most the shift. When I first started I would sit down to rest my pain stricken feet for a minute and limp on back to work. I would limp and no one would say anything during my shift (out of kindness) . Time went on of this five days a week, climbing ladders, breaking a sweat, then the long walk back home.

 

I was a A plus worker. I did other tasks that were not part of my job, but other managers were grateful. I was told thank you so much (enter my name here) I worked harder for the praise then the wage.¬† I was simply the morbidly obese black girl, I felt I didn’t stand out as a beauty due to my weight. I was ignored as a possible love interest to male co-workers, very much so over looked. Due to the work load, the lifting, the climbing, the walking, I then became 250 something. I remember my first hi from a male co-worker who seemed to not know I existed my massive size and all was pure invisible. With weight loss my crush took notice, but by then I had lost interest (not a hundred percent).

 

I recall my weight no longer dropping and the weight loss tips I wrote in this blog I did. My coffee…yes the morbidly obese girl who shook her head hearing all the single digit women say they were hungry rush for coffee was now doing the same. I even improved my coffee to cut off hunger for some hours…again HOURS. I started feeling good not oh Im up looks nice out type good, BUT GOOOOOD. I started having….a actual waist, the guys at work started to kinda glance at me…not ghetto guys looking for a baby mama to take them to maury show land in the future. I mean NORMAL guys who would take you out to get to know you in hopes of wanting you. Crazy part was even lesbians took notice driving by a woman yelled hey baby!

 

I started passing by the wedding area seeing myself someday slim and married. Happy. My man happy and proud he has a slim wife on his arms. I couldn’t believe I was becoming dare I say….hot!!!?

Even the latino guy who was like a guy next door type, funny even hinted on us being together. Before I’d get mexican dudes old enough to be my daddy or my age with too many tats and hood lingo to boot.

 

I then used my tips, pushed myself harder next minute I was now 249 pounds the lowest I been in many many years I mean as a young teen. All the positiveness started coming my way. I even mistaken a guy saying hi at work who ONLY looked at the other THIN girls notice me and said hi…I remember looking around and it was me he was speaking to. I will be honest…I didn’t reply back. Was too in shock.

I was becoming…human. Meaning because I was losing weight society was telling me I deserve to be loved and wanted. I deserve happiness. Yes I been fat many years, but its ok Im becoming thin now. I felt for the first time in my life I felt…alive.

 

Then change of managers. The new manager hired many people, the new manager targeted those who he felt didn’t work enough, I then began to skip lunch breaks and 15 min breaks working hard. The other managers would say how great I’m doing, I was told I was a hard worker by others, and get this many times I work off the clock because he became strict about how many hours we worked. So now we were no longer full time, sent us home early and gave us three day offs. Yet he hired. The guys he hired would be on the clock and would SIT in the break room for 2-3 hours watching tv as the rest of us worked hard. Many saw this, but the manager watched me. If he didn’t see me and I was in the bathroom I had to say I was going to the bathroom…stress loomed. Not normal work stress, but he was obsessed with me. The weight crept on. I no longer followed my tips, I no longer tried as hard so 249 back to 250’s, but hey I was still smaller right?

 

Long story short some were laid off such as sales people. I asked a co worker who worked with the company for about 5 years. Will they lay off stock workers? He said no they need us…long story short I was laid off.

I cried at work…after work.

I was in total shock. I didn’t care anymore I was too said….260’s…then 270’s became me.

I was making 11.55 a hour, long story short I got hired at walmart for 8.20 a hour part-time…which was really full time under the table for all of us over night workers. Pretty much earning 60 dollars a day. It felt like a low blow and my self worth was shot.

I went from upper class customers, guys who wouldn’t give me the time of day unless they saw improvement in my size to walmart co-workers where the guys ask if I wanted to be there baby mama, or do I want to head back to their crib….the weight increase and my self esteem took a hit. Then the older black guy cornered me and said ALL black women want is a wet black dick, and how we have a bunch of kids, the same older guy who came to me in my ear as I was working mentioning his cum.

The guys called themselves nigga as well. I can go on, but then a guy who had no dreams of a future and seemed confused about the word marriage would sing to me as I worked and tap dance (yet never got in trouble) and wanted me as his future baby mama to the point he called me mama ūüė¶¬†¬†¬† My weight increased 280’s.

I became different. No longer the happy, smiling stock girl with a boy crush as maybe her first sexual fling? Or losing so much weight she was thinking who would ask her out first? No longer the one who joked. My co-workers woman wise were fat women both black and white. Few were thin, but many were proud of their side rolls and if a guy didn’t like it oh well! One with a funny walk and large told me she eats whatever she wants….I longed for my old job, I wish ill for the manager who laid me off.

There were black and white co-workers at my last job, but most had class, most were normal. At walmart I stop wearing make up, did my hair like whatever, nothing mattered and the men had no care just looking for sex and to call you their girl friend only because of sex. No dates, no romance. No nothing. Just mention of their crib. Over time I got use to it, behind my back I over heard I was nick named the white girl only because I didn’t take interest in men who are not into marriage or in general courting me and maybe becoming a great male role model to any kids we may have.

A white guy with ear length blonde hair, blue eyes dressed kinda cute…but hell I work at walmart. He kinda was looking at me. As a fat girl any guy that looks at me is nothing to take serious. Two black male co workers came and helped him asap with whatever he needed. One came back and said that white dude was checking you out…I said ok shrug it off and went back to work. From that point on the black male workers watched me sometimes made me feel uncomfortable.

Working at walmart the customers were not really thin most of the time norwere my co-workers most of the time many were average to huge. My pro thin environment was very much gone. No longer working where you and¬† few token fatties existed oh no we had our own town! 290’s came on.

Besides all the above the managers treated us all badly, some cursed the managers out, some like me would go cry in secret, we missed breaks and work through lunch breaks just to finish our work. If not done you were written up no matter how much it was. I then began to befriend some and try to comfort those broken down like me. Only the guys didn’t have to work as hard, few guys had to. Favoritism oozed.

Because I became outspoken (back to being morbidly obese) I was one of the few main targets. I talked to those who were brave like me to do something. The store manager was on their side and didn’t take action to remove the support manager or manager even though before I was even hired many had quit over the same reason. Since I was one of the few targets the manager came on his DAY OFF to write me up saying I called out….I had proof that I called out because I had a stalker and was afraid to go out that night because the police missed him…again..again. He didn’t write his favorites up who called out because they didn’t feel like coming to work, but me..yup.

 

When I told the police can I have proof (this time they caught my stalker who would follow me and remember I have no car, who would call me a fat ass and let him touch it, fat ass, big ass, right at my door). the police were shocked and asked where do I work? I said walmart and not another word was said.

I had too many write ups from due to the stalker, and ice storm in dallas I couldn’t walk out to the bus stop! I did my best. I would be working slow because I was so sick, snot running down my nose, sneezing, eyes red and sore yet walmart managers didn’t care. I was placed in the freezer so sick and treated badly.

Luckily I got to sign back up for school and applied for a loan. I knew if I quit I would be ok temp.

 

I quit…………………sometime in Feb. I was on the verge of being fired and got tired of the work abuse.

I called corporate and some others did too. I was asked did I tell the store manager? I said we all told the store manager about the support manager and her ways and the manager. Long story short I wish it didn’t take me and one other to get everyone going. This should of been done before I got hired. Store manager was transferred elsewhere, manager quit, support manager is now a reg stock worker and her pressure been going up last I heard and her best friend moved on who got sick of her treatment as well.

 

I used my income tax to pay rent, my loan a small student loan to pay my rent of this month) and I need to find a job REAL soon. Job offers I get are part time….and being home no more getting up at 5am for work to get ready and to walk 30 min to work, then three flights upstairs, then on my feet for hours, climbing ladders up and down, no more feeling tired after work taking a slow 40 too 50 min walk back home crossing heavy traffic.

 

Now Im 5’10 and between a shameful 312-313 pounds and all I do is eat cheap high calorie foods.

 

Looking at my old posts in this blog hurts that once upon a time I was 249 working at a job that I thought would take care of me until I got my education. A job I would be there on my days off if needed, a job I was rarely late for.

When I got laid off my managers and the managers I helped went to my head boss trying to tell him not to lay me off. And had proof why they needed me…..I felt so touch because it also came from managers who never acted like I did a great job at all. Me being laid off all the truth came out.

 

I still can remember how great it felt to not have as much knee pain, to be able to jog for at least a minute instead of a few seconds, to walk to work and be able to jog, walk,jog, repeat and get to work on time. To have eyes on me saying how I look leaner, better, to having my secret crush take notice of me , I was no longer the fat girl, but the fat girl who was becoming smaller and smaller.

 

I felt someday I would join the thin girls in cute shoes and skirts and shorts and enjoy eye candy that when he turned around it wouldn’t be in disgust.

 

There it is Im so big I can’t even fit in my uniform anymore only my walmart uniform.

 

312-313 pounds.

 

Im back…..but now I have a LONGER ways to go ūüė¶

Thats the main reason why I have been gone. Too much worry, too much bad luck and sadness, ….but here I go again.

 

Just can’t believe how I was looking so good, so much pain free.

 

Never allow anyone to tell you weight loss is easy, and I care less if they USE to be fat too. I been though hell…..and some heaven.

May 15, 2013

 

 

I see thin women who smoke, some exercise hours…and hours, some workout early in the morning and then after work too, some eat very little or a lot in low calorie foods…veggies anyone?

Weight loss is not easy! I see men and women in scooters appearing over 400 pounds brave enough to be in the mall and at the food court ordering food…when many are staring and judging. I see them and think wow I would be afraid to go out since people can be rude and some people are crazy enough to think their hurtful words of fat shaming is going to have these people eating less then¬†what they are use to!

I have no right to judge a person bigger then me, or feel hey if I did it so can they! And how do I not know that they lost some weight already for their family and health? Food is beyond good, the flavors, textures, and its legal. You can eat any amount when stressed, nervous, worried, sad, ect.

I rather be a friend to one then be one of those former fat folks who now feel since I was fat its ok for me to tell them how to lose weight and make it known they are heavy (trust me I know, they know we all know, even a blind overweight person know if their fat).

If they ask for my advice thats fine…but won’t bring it back up making them regret ever asking.

If they say they have back pain and what can work for them NOW, that doesn’t open doors for me to bring up weight loss which can take months to a year or so.

When I was 300 pounds I recall (in a old post) that a girl who was 300 something if not nearing 400. I tried to bring up weight loss because I liked her as a person and wanted a weight loss buddy deep down. She shut me off. Likely heard it all and didn’t want to hear it at work either.

 

Weight loss is not easy….

How Im losing weight…honestly as of now. Raw truth.

 

I had a stress work related binge three days ago…..one baked potato¬†and a half, with lots of lettuce, and vinegar¬†dressing, and my beloved cheese and sour cream. My stomach was so tight I couldn’t eat the other half…..the less you eat over some days the fuller you get a little sooner…plus I was sipping diet Arizona green tea in between large mouthfuls.

I laid down on my stomach and felt my body wanting to release. I could of ignored it and I don’t purge daily it seems more of once or twice a month. The scale crossed my mind and how amazing I feel to have my pants feel looser, to feel a little lighter on my feet compared to 300 pound me. To the kitchen I went with garbage disposal!¬† Then after some time off to the shower and no longer did I feel greatly full, but more of as if I had a normal size meal.

Yes the stairs…..I do more stair climbing going to up trains, at work anyway…no choice of three flights to work, but when I do have a choice I try to walk up the stairs. Doesn’t matter how slow I go, or I have to catch my breath by the second flight. It gets better since now I lose my breath at the 3rd flight. Do I enjoy stairs….no. I feel ok its toning up my legs, and giving me a random slight calorie burning boost. Its not fun, its not¬†something I look forward to. And yes their are times I skip, but mostly I walk up. I remember last year how I go up the stairs to catch the train. Catching my breath after half way up….hearing my train come and leave ūüė¶¬† as I stood their huffing and puffing. People more small in size went right pass me and rush aboard the train. When I got up their all I could do was sit there and make a phone call to pass the time.

Yes walking and please don’t think this is the main answer to our weight loss prayers! I still don’t have a car years later. Walking as made sure I never had high blood pressure like some my weight at the time or thinner. I have people who known me for walking, total strangers would tell me girl you don’t play you get around by foot! I would walk a easy¬†3 hours a day to get things done…..but was still 300 pounds! Any weight loss magazine that had lose weight by walking I never bought. Problem was I would eat several servings of rocky road ice cream, and guess what? Eat a whole cherry pie with it and thats¬†not counting the other things I ate through out the day such as tacos, burgers, two bowls of cereal and candy. I had someone say they didn’t understand how could I be 300 pounds and walk everywhere? Its like asking a super skinny person how could they be so thin and don’t exercise. One eats way beyond what my body could burn, the other eats way below to assure their current weight to maintain. I walk a hour¬†a day 30 to work, 30 going home to 40. I remember last year limping after work, having to sit somewhere under a tree from the sun to catch my breath after work. On days off it can be walking of 2-3 hours and no I don’t do speed walking. I try to going to work, but thats¬†it! I walk slow to med. And yes the elderly who took up walking as a form of health can still out do me lol.

Thats¬†right pills! Now I have been drinking my Arizona¬†diet green tea two-four cups a day….because it taste good and its guilt¬†free. I don’t drink diet cokes¬†too much these days and more of full calorie mountain dew….yes really. I took zantrex¬†3 on and off last year and the year before that…does it work? Yes! Do I still take it? NO. It works, but now I feel diet pills are junkie meds. Its like getting a genetic of something you have to go to the doctor for. Zantrex¬†3 gave me a pound weight loss a day. It made me feel like the idea of food….not a good idea. Its high and caffine¬†is the secret too. Black cups of coffee¬†again….cups of coffee should give you the same results, but cheaper. Caffine¬†is good and safe for weight loss…in low amounts. Now I go to a doctor for um…what hollywood folks like to try? It has cut my desire for food….for like four hours lol top. I won’t share what it is, but my doctor told me today its only a short term effect. I plan on staying on it anyway since it has help my energy levels I use to tire easy. Pills are my best friend, but I don’t take them on days off,and have skip out on them for a week or so. Its not¬†a everyday¬†thing.¬†The right med can help anyone, but its effects are not long term. Long term means taking higher amounts and for myself Im against that. Reason why I won’t allow my body to get use to anything, so the same dose will or my guess always work.

Yes the mind is where we make all choices. People who decide to give, kill, change religions,¬†day dream¬†of cake, dare to say I love you, ….everything starts in the mind. Anything you do even if it required a few minutes or seconds of thought starts in the mind. I STILL have to do self talk. Like Ebony you can do go up the stairs it won’t be bad once its over, or no if you eat that …you know how salty it is and its not¬†really your favorite save your calories for that candy bar you really want instead. Or look at that skinny lady who is in her 40’s she looks amazing don’t you want to be like that? Its best to¬†self talk where only you can hear YOUR voice. Its more powerful then¬†saying in your head its like the mind don’t take it as serious. Its like whatever were going to eat ten of those today! The mind is where desire, dislike, love and hate begins.

 

Based on the above I would never act as if weight loss is more of buying pricey black grapes (yup 8 dollars a bag…I put them babies back yesterday!) then having a slice of cheese cake. Its better for you and me to have that cheese cake…..when I place myself on a strict diet of say diet foods only…thats when I fail. Why not have 1000 calories worth of mountain¬†dew, donuts, veggie burgers (I love those over beef!) then to say have veggies, and mmm thats it? Its ok that¬†I eat just veggies if I want a five pound¬†weight loss asap, but I know its all about calories at the end.

Many say calories are not the same and you will lose weight maybe eating 1200 of veggies and lean meat then my way of fiber one bars, ice cream, and cake, and soda. I don’t know if thats true or not, but I am losing just fine my way. Some days I may go the health nut way , but most days¬†there is a brownie in front of me with ice cream and chocolate syrup worth 500 something in calories with my name on it. I then have two veggie burgers both worth 300 each…thank goodness for 45 calorie bread lol.

Weight loss is a serious struggle, its not easy.

If they got books for skinny people on how to lose that last five pounds, no one can expect me or you to find it simple to lose that last hundred!

Never allow a former fat person who has forgotten TRULY how much they had to put into it to lose weight. I mean they claim they recall….but uh uh not 100 percent.

 

 

 

 

Tips that worked for me yesterday to ignore odd stomach sounds and desire for food.

1) Sit ups….yes it took me 80 sit ups to kill it. Strange, but it happen by mistake. I just said ok let me do some sit ups with my app. The more I did the more my stomach stop :/ this was around 10pm

2) Self talk early that morning lol.

 

Also how …is it that I am eating these foods?

Forgot to mention I eat my¬†food between 10am-11am. Then I no longer eat…it allows my body a head start and pretty much like fasting in a way.

Sometimes I eat twice, but never late say pass 5pm.

Also a known fact if you eat for example 700 calories a day…then out of nowhere eat 2000 calories…you will be smaller the next day!

 

 

Random thought: With my weight loss, at work some guys no longer feel ashamed to flirt with me (even married) openly now. 300 pound me got no love. It was more of a embarrassment then anything to even joke flirt with me. No matter how the guy may look himself. Its unreal. Im still fat, but not as big as before, but still fat.

My thighs still rub, I still wear plus size clothes, and I still got back rolls…trust me still fat. With clothes on I look better.

In a old¬†blog post from last year. I recall my dream on a guy I use to have a crush on. Its still¬†kinda there, but if he had a serious interest and asked me out…..I sadly have to say no. The 300 pound me would of¬†scream murder if it knew I would do that! I never forgot my dream where we were sitting, but not facing each other. I think we were at a park or somewhere¬†it was clean, beautiful, and a whitish aura strange yes.

In my dream I said to him you had a chance with me, but you know in the future its too late. I recall him saying I know as he looked down kinda.

This the same guy who when I was still kinda new¬†was like whooo¬†whoo when he thought I was talking about coming back to Texas for him. After I finished¬†ignoring his whoo whoo’s he then laughed and got what I met. I won’t travel to another state for any guy! A guy recently wanted me to move to Canada¬†for him…um no.¬† I heard of men moving for thin girls…proof Im not thin yet!

Now my former crush tells me he saw me such and such place and wanted to go up to me, but rethought it.

300 pound me….nowhere cared where I was.

Co-worker even joked saying oh you stalking her!

Guys flirt, before it was just jokes of how I was lazy  (lol what ever), but now their flirts, jokes, and what ever else.

I got a wedding book (free) and just know I have to stay focused.

 

This may sound crazy to most, but besides my not so grand life, stress, feeling hopeless about life in general and where I am going as I get older. Being black I felt it didn’t matter if I was thin or fat. Just didn’t matter. I killed those thoughts and know it does matter if I want to get ahead in life, wear the best things, and land the guy of my dreams…it matters a lot.

I think back to my 300 pound teen self. How I see women who looked like a stray cat in the face, but from the neck down had model bodies get the cute guys. It hurt, sucked, and everything else in between.

 

Weight loss is hard, you have to have¬†a passion of yourself to do whatever it takes, you have to be mentally ready. And former fat folks need to quit saying (yes this one is¬† true) that oh my mom on her death bed¬†last words were she wanted to lose weight, but it took a group of teens¬†mooing at me to make me drop the weight….this mess is what makes people think fat shaming is the answer when its not! You have been fat shamed since you were big!!!!! If fat shaming was the answer no fat people would exist.

You have to have a good reason to want to lose weight to fuel your desire. I would lie and say for my health when deep down if I had high blood pressure and was skinny I be happy! I had to be honest with myself saying yes its for¬†guys to appear more appealing in this era which is thin. To be able to buy cute clothes, to go see the clearance¬†rack and leave with 20 clothing items worth ten dollars because they have so much small clothes¬†left and no large or xx large. To go anywhere in a upscale¬†or middle class area and get attention, to feel special as the obese trends go higher knowing that I won’t be a part of it (no offense to anyone).

Now if your honest and its about your health then you will reach your goals someday even with many set backs, but be honest to yourself. ……its ok to lie sometimes. More so if you don’t want to hear the it should be for your health speech.

 

Im still me, goofy, wishful, someone save me type. Would of been the same as a 500 pound bed bound woman.

Nothings changed, but my size alone.

I have always been me. I always had desires for short shorts, and tops that showed off my shoulders. Now as I lose weight people will think wow shes¬†changed…when all along no thats¬†me. Just wasn’t going to be large in a outfit¬†I feel would look hot on me if smaller.

At 300 I let it be known that is who I am, people laugh.

Nothings changed, but my size.

And I see clothes that show who I really am. Silly, child like, and can be sexy too at times. I already saw what I want to wear on the honey moon night, but my family loves to laugh and joke that I need a man first…true, but nothing wrong with ahead planning!

Never had a boyfriend, but the smaller I get the higher chance I have of having one that I have interest in!