Archive for the ‘Fat moments’ Category

Asian girls, being ignored in class/college due to my size…it’s so blunt,my black friend

April 6, 2016

Picture it….April 5th 2016 11:11am. Iv’e seen plus size Asian girls, and the expected skinny Asian girls. Currently I’m in college. Yes my bad grammar and all. I go to school down town. Lots of traffic, so many people. I’m waiting for the sign to give the ok to cross the street. I’m already 11 minutes late so far. I notice this 20 something very skinny, clear skinned Asian girl lost in her own mind as we all wait. I was thinking just think if I was that skinny…the fashion that I could wear, the person I could be. life wouldn’t be perfect, but at least I wouldn’t be so alone with the worse men wanting my number for banging sessions. Anyway the light finally gave us the go to cross the street. I noticed a cute guy on the other side of the street…..and I thought….no…no not another skinny girl winning moment!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And away she went right into his arms. Both smiling at each other and both kinda glanced at me and I glanced away. I let them continue their movie like romance. Then last week a Korean couple both in their 20’s. Enjoying each others company on the train. Laughter, happiness, and him being goofy to make her smile. Meanwhile I’m behind them wishing my ride would just end already.

Asian women are free to be cute without judgement or sexy. As a black girl I have to be serious at all times or something is wrong with me. On my campus Asian girls/women are having so many skinny moments it’s insane. I think to myself why can’t they join the fat and curvy moment like these ads Iv’e seen recently??? I found a small clip of large sized Asian women embracing themselves, but their culture won’t really push them to the front like that.

I use to know a really sweet Asian girl…her hair dyed blonde, super skinny, and dark eyes. She didn’t have her race preaching to her about self hate, or tell her thick is in, she was free and today married with child.

Someday I’ll have my day too….

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I’m sick of it. I AM SICK OF IT.

I wanted to wave hey I’m alive!! Lets talk. I’m real notice me. I felt my inner child wanting to beg for attention. I’m so glad class is almost over. I can’t wait to never have to see no one faces ever again. I swear yes I SWEAR once I get back on track and I’m thin I WILL IGNORE them as well. I will talk to someone else and have them standing there like the idiot they made me feel like.

I went up to the professor. A educated African man. A proud family man. Not the usual African men who I encounter who openly say they just want sex with me. It’s not just black men from America, but foreign black men too. And usually I never get any educated men or men that would spark your interest. I had a question. I went up to him you know my professor who is here for ALL his students.

As soon as I opened my doubled chinned mouth, with large upper arms at my side. Soon as I opened my mouth with a question about our upcoming quiz. A size 2 looking black girl with black and brown extensions down the mid of her very tiny waist, approached and the professor turned to her and I was STANDING right in front of them both. I was invisible. I stood there large and shocked.  She laughed and he laughed and I really don’t recall what was said. I just remember she was one of those skinny black girls, the girls I avoided going out with. I knew I would increase their looks even further.  I just stood there and felt my face get hot. If pale in tone my whole face would be red. I tried to speak….I just simply walked away.

Then I saw this black guy and white guy talking together. I remember they told me they plan on doing a study group together. I was even kinda invited last week, but was too tired to show up. So I walked over to them,both equally good looking and both have goals. I cleared my throat and said…excuse me……excuse me???

White guy: Oh yea???

Black guy (looks over at me)

Me: In my head (Oh shit they notice me)

Me: When is the next study group???

White guy: Today at _____pm.

Me: Ok maybe I’ll be down there. And did you go last time (looking over at black guy)

Black guy: No. I was too tired. Had to work.

Me: I understand and…

White guy: (looks over at black guy) so….blah blah blah

Black guy: (looks at white guy) ….blah blah blah

Me: (thinking) omg not again!

I just stood there. Time seemed to freeze over. I looked around…it was just be standing there.

This reminds me when a co-worker invited me to her beach party. She was Spaniard and so were the other guests. Everyone was from Spain in a nutshell. I was 20-21 of age. I sat alone in party and my only comfort was well I’m black and maybe the rest of the guests weren’t fond of blacks. Next min I noticed a dark skin, slim girl having this sexy ass guy from Spain hitting on her as she blushed and gently pretended she didn’t want his advances next minute I just walked out and left!

I had already had 5 cups of punch that night and was the only one alone near the snacks.

Part of me wanted to cry as I exited the class room. I just felt numb. I waited for the elevator

 

I got in trying to forget. Trying to move on. I was in the elevator with a petite brown skinned Asian/India girl. I made small talk and ask…are you in my class too? She smiled and said yes! I don’t know most of the students in my class, but some have noticed me. I said so…how are you doing in class? She said I’m doing fine. I said …good …good. The elevator stopped and open bringing in this brown skinned Asian/India very fit cute guy in. I saw her blush and looked away from him pretending not to look. He noticed her. Next minute a black girl girl with her diverse race of friends walked in….all of a sudden were all on the topic of fricken  yogurt and how they feel fat…none were fat all were slim. I was in a crowded elevator with skinny girls talking about yogurt, and a guy lusting after a slim short India girl. My fat self was pushed to the back watching it all unfold.

Next minute a slim white girl got aboard…..I couldn’t take it. I pressed the next upcoming floor and told everyone I need to get out! I found myself waiting for another elevator. Luckily I got to ride the rest of the way down alone.

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I give people many chances. I try to forgive and move on. I was called slow by this black girl. Why? Because she felt how I reacted to things were not normal. I rather talk things out and even debate, but I hate cursing I rather not to be honest. I always tell others I don’t care if you do.  She has her positives, but how she reacts is every reality tv’s wet dreams.

She can go from zero to 100 in seconds and had the nerve to say I forgot that your sensitive. I said no your too aggressive. I even said you know how the world stereotypes black girls why do you have to live up to it? Then she said see your talking about me…at this time we were texting because I refuse to answer her calls and I told her I like to text anyway. Calls kinda makes me feel trapped sometimes.

I told her through text that honestly she makes me nervous sometimes. It’s like saying the wrong thing or opinion will set things off. I told her I try to ignore her, but today was her worse.

I notice she dates certain type of men. Men who are all about that…life? She starts sounding like the men too, how they talk, when angry she goes into hood accent mode and I point it out and she can’t tell. She said something to me rude…and I told her he has called you that and now your calling me that…now part of your vocab.

She was shocked and said yes he has. I said then if I’m your friend why would you call me that? Over the years I got her to stop calling me her bitch. I don’t care what people call each other on tv. I’m no nigga nor is your man or yourself, and I’m not a bitch as a word of friendship :/

I find it strange women are calling each other bitch as common as the word…hi.

Anyway. It all started with me on the phone with her asking for a favor.

I ask her could she sign a paper for me so I can renew my cna license. She said…

Her: And what else is on that paper???

Me: I said nothing. I just need you to sign so I can renew my license.

Her: What the hell do I need to sign???

Me: (thinking..ok wow)… I need you to sign so I can renew it. And in the comment section just say I helped you out.

Her: (starts to yell now) (my name here) WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT ME TO SIGN. I DON’T JUST SIGN ANYTHING. MY NAME NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO WHAT I’M SAYING DAM…

Me: (click) I hung up the phone. Even cutting it off for a few minutes. I felt myself wanting to cry. I curled up in a ball already having to deal with school earlier watching skinny women enjoy attention and get noticed. Then this hot mess.

When I cut my phone back on I saw she had text I’m sorry. I told her she is wrong for all that and how she has no balance on how she reacts to things. Yelling at me and cursing me out was not the right reaction. She then texts you want me to lie though….I text back when have you been about being honest. She called twice and I was still shaken up. I told her I’m too uncomfortable to talk to her and that I’m human. You texting sorry five different times won’t take the moment back. I told her honestly you hurt me. She then gets mad and texts fine don’t talk to me!

I then text someone I haven’t called in months if she could…she said no problem.

I had another moment with a black pal of mines two days ago. And we said some words which ended me in saying I won’t talk every again. I’ll just let you talk and I’ll listen I just won’t say a word…she lost three other friends within two months and don’t see it’s her is the problem.

I have two good black friends one would be perfect like super perfect if she stop slipping up calling me a bitch…work in progress.

One great white friend…I love her she has helped me a lot in so many ways I could never repay her for.

And recently met a lady (biracial) who I think would be a good friend. She is so caring ect. I made sure to hint I have nothing against her white side. And now we talk openly about race and politics and the economy.  And we have been texting on and off.

Of course I know some wonderful people long distance wise too.

The people that are not good for me tend to try and keep in touch with me. I even plan on letting them go, but they come back. I then just don’t have the heart to break them off because I think of the good times too.

 

I’m going to go to bed. Life is tough and I feel my size these rude women feel they can take over me or something.

 

 

The average life/day of a nurse assistant who wants a very different lifestyle. *May offend some, but not intended…warning.

January 10, 2016

 

Like most nurse assistants we call nursing homes the slave plantation. Residents by habit call us nurses. We correct them, but it never sticks. Which makes it appear like a bunch of nurses are doing all this work for you.

The average nursing home is made up of:

1st shift- Four nurses, eight aides 6am-2pm
2nd shift- Four nurses, eight aides 2pm- 10pm
3rd shift- Two nurses, four aides 10pm-6am

The Head nurse is called the D.O.N
Then usually two A.D.O.N (Assistant to D.O.N)

Nurses are made up of LVNs aka the slave masters aka more so the over seers. The nursing station itself is created to watch us from a distance where they don’t have to leave their soft seats.

Nurses tend to be racial wise: Nigerian mainly, Ethiopian, and a few white, and few Black/African American.

Nurse assistants are usually black mainly from other countries, few black/African Americans. And at rare one white girl….who usually quits within months and they too usually view nursing homes as plantations as well.

The average nurse assistant/aide deserves a min. of 15 dollars a hour, but due to people coming from other countries taking the nurse assistant jobs…the pay stays low. The pay can increase, but if your desperate for a job such as me or from the poor part of your country 9 a hour is great! As a new Cna short for nurse assistant. A African lady was happy such as I to land their first cna job. She was making 7.50 at a day care. She was offered 9 a hour and she was very over joyed. Well….3 months later she wanted to return to the day care and said they over work us for this small pay. Sadly her job was filled…and she was stuck slaving away with the rest of us.

Things that you go through as a nurse assistant:
*This is from ALL the nursing homes Iv’e been at.

1) Called blacky or black bitch (If your dark skinned, this happened to some.
2) You may have to work through your 30 min lunch break. No one gets a 15 min break.
3) Residents laughing that you just changed their diaper, but they just wet and poo again
4) Residents slapping you, punching you, spitting at you, or like me kick dropped to the floor by sweet innocent grandpa. None of this gets in the news. Only if they are the victims. Nor will the aide who was punched semi blind by sweet dear ol grandpa she tried to get clean.
5) Nurses pointing to call lights on…they refuse to answer it. LVN nurses are highly lazy and could be why hospitals rather Rns. Sometimes when you answer it you find out they want medicine, then you have to walk alllllllllllllllll the way to nurse to tell him/her so and so wants meds when if they answered the light…
6) Residents are lonely. They push the call light a lot for mino things, to talk, problem is 20 plus residents need actual care.
7) When nurses dont like you they may give residents pills to give them the runs ON PURPOSE. To punish the aide when she/he …mainly the shes. Residents sometimes need help to poo, but sometimes its given out of evil.
8) Lazy aides who hide which leaves all the work to you.
9) Poo due to meds, and other meds, and gross nursing home foods…the poo is so strong and so smelly that my nose and eyes run and had to get out, which made the whole entire halls smell bad.
10) Family wants their mom or dad ect #1 or else……remember you can never get a 15 min break, under paid, on your feet lot, get abuse from residents…who know how to act when family comes….they want their love one number 1 and to pretty much get one on one care…….well its us vs 20 plus residents who have love ones who want their love ones number one.
11) No matter how young or old you are, you will feel pain. You have to lift heavy large and tall people, or tall and solid weight people who refuse hoyer lifts. Your on your feet a lot.
12) Family members don’t want to touch your hand because they saw you clean their love ones back side caked with poo….the places your hands go. Soaking hands in bleach after work doesn’t take the feeling away.
13) Again very lazy lvn/lpn nurses who people view as heros of the medical word (eye roll) nurses rather look for a already busy aide for 10 min then to change so and so. ALL nurses are trained in nurse assistant skills before becoming Nurses, but they are too good to do it.

HOW TO KNOW A NURSING HOME IS HALF WAY DECENT:

1) The D.O.N and A.D.O.N wears scrubs DAILY like its nurses and aides. Anyway who is a nurse who wears regular clothes is a sign of laziness. They plan on looking good, but not working hands on if needed.

2) Living assistant homes are the greatest. The labor is normal, aides barely quit because the work load…is human. Not where they have to decide on a lunch break or being behind.

3) Ask if the nurses change diapers too. If they say we have aides..RUN. Iv’e seen nurses on allllllllllllll shifts manage to find time to sit, talk on their phones you know no hands needed, talk to each other, and get more sit time when they chart (cnas tend to have to stand and chart…hmmm)
And sometimes nurses do stay late anyway…won’t hurt if they helped their aides. Nurse aides are to assistant not slave and do all.

4)See if you can find a honest aide. Some nurses take lazy to a new level. They have the aides give the meds and try to get us to work with the ostomy bag and oxygen tanks when were not suppose to. Aides would be honest, but many fear you will say so and so….we have bills.

5)They want your money. They want it badly. Ask the pay of nurse assistants. If they give a range (which is usually a lie) ask to speak to three random aides and ask of their pay. The lowest a aide should make is 12 a hour…if she/he says 12 ask how long they’ve worked here. If over 2 years leave! Usually cnas sadly get 10 or 10 sometimes and at rare 11. A low paying aide means they have two or three cna jobs on the side….do you want a aide who cares for your love one tired and worn out? I seen med aides and nurse aides come to work with red eyes from their other job….

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After being kicked dropped, slapped, a resident tried to touch me after putting her hands in her mouth. I just want out. I applied at in and out burger on Friday aka 1/8/16. They said if I pass interview part one with him I will get a call between then or today sunday………..no call yet 😦
And at this hour of 7:40pm I doubt I passed.
I wish I could make fries and burgers for a decent wage and continue my education.
Cleaning poo and pee, being yelled at by upper staff…is very fat friendly. All the in and out employees were diverse. BUT everyone was skinny and the men fit or very close to fit. The women were super skinny to the fattest employee looked like a size 12, but all the others a size 4-6.  At least I went I thought….maybe fat people deserve a check until they can become skinny to get hired at decent places. In and out burger don’t mind fat customers at least…

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I live alone, my rent increase…..Im finally a sophomore in college after I pass ONE class.  But since I been thinking of going PRN at the nursing home aka work when they have the hours and if I agree to work it vs be on their full time schedule and dealing with mess …full time. Its a risk because my bills are full time not part time. About four-five times almost risk losing my place. I need to look for a different job, but can’t handle where Im at and all the write ups I get and abuse from residents I get. I told D.O.N. not to yell at me over the phone and just talk to me like I am talking to her…next min she finds something to write me up about. If PRN I won’t be a regular and on her radar anymore. I been wanting out, but problem is like many other cnas with our experience its rare any one wants to give us a chance. Hospitals like aides with hospital experience. It never ends.

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Right now I struggle financially, I work at a job with no value and no decent pay.  My mind wants a skinny body with dates, outings, shopping for clothes, and being active and looking great even in the worse clothing choices. I want surgery for skin lift, and a lift in the chest area. I want to feel my bones not soft fat everywhere.

Gets ready for another shift full of poo and pee…and hits….

Never wear make up because what my face will be expose to….

2016 has to be my year it has to….

Why did I see this on my dash…Fucking spoilers

 

 

 

Next post I make: So I told my friend instead of think like a man act like a lady. Why not think like a thin white girl and act like a lady instead?

Didn’t go well, but hear me out on why! On next post.

Trust me I watch my surroundings reason why this blog will someday will be taken down…

Bye Bye…

Off to work…does deep breath…

Today….

September 5, 2014

Giving binge and purge a break…since yesterday and today.

I’m doing my best not to binge. I have to give my all to force a diet coke instead of a heavy calorie drink and meal. I’m stressed out and full of worry and I found myself looking online on my cell phone at Taco Bells menu, wendys, and mc donalds. Adding calories and seeing it can get so high, but can I have control for a dollar menu item? I knew full well I would go over a dollar and want the real deal. My mouth watered (not lying) and I just laid back down and took a deep breath. Few minutes later I was up rushing to get ready for work (semi limping thanks to ankle spur, but I made it) Through out the day randomly I was temping myself within my mind of cheap mc Donald  apple pies, Host brand cupcakes, I wanted a serious binge a real binge…not a pint of ice cream type of binge, but a obese person type of binge. I also had thoughts of me in a two piece and uploading tons of pic.

 

Today I…

Had 1298 calories

Worried about affording school (due 120 on the 10th)

Wanted to cry since my whole life been nothing but a struggle

Wanted to walk off the job, but bills keep me trapped ….cleaning bm and vomit all day, lifting heavy residents and back is killing me.

Thought if slim I would rather be a stripper or a waitress at hooters then this and get paid better. I can’t dance or anything special, but willing to risk it.

Thought it sucks being single….so lonely.

Had a war of yes no yes no yes no to more food.

Felt numb as usual after work. Clock out at 10:02pm, miss bus  that comes between 10:02pm-10:04pm, stayed inside and chatted to co-workers who have cars and know I ride the bus (I live in Dallas…enough said. I heard Austin from someone who was blind and moved from Dallas whose co-workers wouldn’t drive her to the a 3 min ride to the train station..says in Austin people are so much nicer vs Dallas) I chatted knowing my bus was gone anyway. Went outside at bus station 10:17pm, bus came at 10:37pm, caught the train in time by forcing myself up a long flight of stairs…stopped mid way to catch my breath, then continued and here came the train. Got to the next bus, bus left at 11:18pm, got home at 11:26pm. It took more then will power to ignore the serious desire for packets of my raman noodles once I got home.

Binging won’t solve my problems that’s for sure, but during the moment its a break from life for me.

Tomorrow I’m going crazy on water and raman (my day off) and study my butt off and hope they drop my class. Ihave came home sometimes only to drop off to sleep asap…so not much studying like I’m suppose to. Its hard to have control on my days off nothing to keep me away from food because I’m so busy….so raman noodles which has two servings per pack at 190 calories per serving,  …sounds like a upcoming purge. Gross, but I can’t stay fat forever and not getting any younger. I have to do this to move on with my life.

I’m at the point in my life I will purge, take diet pills, and wish on a shooting star for my results.

 

Thinspo/weight loss quotes I found encouraging.

 

 

 

 

 

No longer in the 300’s thanks to purging. And it helps being black (no one ever guesses..)

August 31, 2014

I’m on a strict budget. I eat cheap foods to survive which is heavy in carbs. I can’t handle a tiny serving of spaghetti noodles and call it a day. NEVER. I LOVE pasta and heavy red sauce with melting slices…again sliceSSSS of cheese on top and down it with plenty of 5 calorie powdered fruit punch, or some diet cola. Raman noodles with a side of veggies and I make sure to add a lot of water to make it pretty much a broth (low sodium raman) And don’t get me started in the frozen section 1$ pizzas. New weakness 200 calorie bottles of snapple fruit punches….I mean when I drink one …my eyes are closed enjoying such pleasure…words can not explain. I mean I had 7 bottles of snapple fruit punches and that was it the whole day.

I’m against purging…for others. Myself I’m all for it and know the possible risks, so I’m careful. Its been 90 something degrees out one day and for many days. Sun and me don’t mix in dry heat such as in Texas. I ate badly one day…brums ice cream then a couple of hours later a large slice of pizza with a large cup of HI-c fruit punch …then a refill…then again,but only half way. I felt so pleased being full, but guilty and then I felt the urge to purge. It comes naturally if I’m too full.

So here I was full in 90 something degree weather thinking to myself how badly I wish I could throw up this food. I felt bad about wasting money if I did, but worse being fat and over stuffed of food. Cars kept driving by me, people parking to go into small businesses and banks were near by…so I felt shame to even try to do this publicly. Maybe the sun made me temp. loopy, but  feeling came over me of……wait a minute I’m black! Yes sounds crazy, but people don’t think some black girls would do this on purpose or desire a slim body.  Even online I read where other blacks say it’s rare and not possible. This only encouraged me to think I can get away with this!!!

I pictured from another view…ok fat black girl throwing up means I could be sick, or pregnant, no one would know.

I found some bushes near by and with cars passing me by and from other angels you can see what’s really taking place I proudly let it all up. Red juice and bread from pizza. I kept going until I saw some brown….aka chocolate ice cream from hours ago came up some what.

At work I eat lunch and head to the bathroom and……and if someone over hears I just mention the medicine I’m taking for pain (which can cause vomiting if not taken correctly) before that they just thought I had a stomach ache or some random something. I mainly go outside for lunch, so its rare I go to the bathroom.

I been trying my hardest and recently saw a dark skin girl, short afro, very nice trendy clothes , with a pro ana type body in bright day light. I had to stop myself from staring. Someone like her with that type of body can go far, but she doesn’t know that. Life would be so much better if I was slim.

 

It’s nice having the freedom to eat like a king celebrating victory, but can someday have a body of a fragile and feminine princess. Purging is not the answer or a lifestyle, but for now as something to help me lose weight until I can gain control are:

 

1) No guilty feelings after eating too much. I go from extreme full to normal.

2) I can enjoy my food without being so strict

3) Either you lose weight or maintain

4) At least for me slowly my desires for large amounts of food is slowing down. The more I feel I have freedom to eat the less I oddly require…..slowly.

 

This is not advice, but what I’m doing.

Today I’m: 294.2 pounds. 

 

4 days ago one of the residents in his 40’s, black guy, with a disability that has him there to began with…..heard me in the hall way talking and enjoying the company of my co-worker. Yelled out nice and loud from his room…HEY BIG GIRL, BIG GIRL come here!!! BIG GIRL! The other worker snickered and I told her I’m not going in there big girl is not my name! She went in and she came out …he wanted nothing. She told me she told him I’m busy. I told her well big girl going home soon, and big girl not going in there.

Those other pro ana sites are right with their lists of reasons why to be slim….when people remember you or describe you…

He called me big girl

He called the other co-worker of mines skinny girl with glasses

And the one who was snickering little girl (she’s a short, thin, older lady)

On the other halls most are big like me and some are trying to lose weight and some embrace their size.

I’m 27…but it’s never too late.

I met  32 very skinny girl who used my large frame to hide next to me from the cops… :/  she said her roommate likes to call the cops when drunk and cops make her nervous so she left until the cops leave.

I thought she was younger then me and in her early 20’s.

Being thin makes you appear younger BUT she also had a very youthful face. I see thin older women with bodies of young 20 something year olds, but their face says 40-50 something. Its all genetics and luck. Botox can only do so much.

 

9 pound loss in two days, ankles hurt so bad still…, I hate this job due to the pain and few of my co-workers and nurses, and I know I will reach goal and going back in time….

June 29, 2014

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Today is 6/29/2014 exactly 12am.

Today marks day three as of 12am.

You can work a very demanding job all day long on your feet…but only so much you can lose and sometimes just gain in weight.

I forced myself a diet of only fruits (low calorie fruits: watermelon,canned pears, canned peaches, both only 35 to 40 calories per serving canned wise) and veggies: baby carrots and broccoli. Because of this job I don’t pack my food…paranoid about all the germs and disease in the nursing home, so I eat a cup of watermelon from a near by chain store.

So far been losing 4 pounds a day.

*I wake up late so I always miss breakfast. Just wake up and get ready for work.

 

Day one:

Lunch(when getting ready for work) Two handfuls of baby carrots with warm water…from my sink of all places.

On break time between 7pm-8pm: A small bowl of over priced watermelon

Day two:

Everything the same including the water, but lunch one handful of carrots, on break watermelon again(caved in to  grape soda), and when I got home Lipton tea with zero calorie sugar.

So I’m just going to stick to low calorie fruits and veggies.

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I hate this job ….it wouldn’t be bad if lazy nurses who claim there busy at all times refuse to help you transfer someone who is too heavy alone (on paper it says two person) plus size people have been lied to. Were told we will die sooner. So far only the thin people have passed away. The fat ones both super morbidly obese to morbidly obese are alive and well….just require a lot of strength to move them and more then one person. Besides the very lazy nurse wanting me to do it all alone on a two person. The aide I was teamed up with had a attitude of I won’t help you vibes, but she got help from other aids from other halls who they all befriended since they been there for a year or more….so me the new one they careless about. Only two aides are willing to help me and I help them with heavy transfers,but we don’t always share the same shifts/days.

Besides all that it requires a lot of standing,bending, going up and down halls and answering call lights. Some ring the light because they want to talk (I can’t others need help too) , some ring the light because they thought their roommate needed something, some ring the light by mistake, but most of the time its to be changed or go to the bathroom.

Once I made it clear I was going to the head nurse about her lazy nurses (including another aide with the same compliant) yesterday…only a few minutes ago was yesterday. He was all nice and helpful, wanted to joke with me and what not even though I didn’t work on his hall. I don’t trust him and feel I better say something then nothing at all.

 

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I complain and complain and complain. All this limping, pain, and aches takes me back to my 300 shocked self getting the job as a stock person for a major high retail store. How I walked slowly to work from where I live it took at first 40-50 minutes. I recall stopping sometimes to rest my feet 4am something in the morning. I was suppose to be there at 6am, but didn’t trust my pace to get me there on time. All the fast pace music in the world couldn’t take away the pain and speed me up. Then once I made it to the mall thanks to our security. We typed in a code, and had to go up three flights of stairs and every morning I would complain going up there…stopping a few times only to reach the top out of breath and seeking a chair it made other co-workers laugh or say we knew who was coming up! Sometimes I tried taking short cuts only to see early mall goers who were ELDERLY walk at a unnatural speed passing me by several times around. Honestly I was ashamed. After work sun or rain I walked home since I already missed the bus or didn’t want to pay 2.50 for a two hour pass down the street….later I learned the ride was free as long as you were leaving the mall and going to the train station.

The job required lots of box lifting and standing. And small moments of me sneaking behind the back behind shelves of towels to rest my feet and ankles even then. I carried my anti pain spray bottle and had took pain pills to hope it would help me somewhat at least.

I broke sweat…like I do now at this nursing home, I limp leaving work….like I do now at this nursing home….

At the nursing home no one wears make up if they do its a simple gloss that fades away later in the shift.

At the high end retail store all the women wore makeup from 20 something to 60 something. And majority of the women were modal thin to average weight. Only a very small few were fat. Being around them motivated me to wear makeup …then I too wore it everyday. I over heard them say how hungry they were and before I could recommend something such as a large potatoes,cheese,sour cream ect. they all went for black coffee….the end. After work they all went to the gym or jogging. They put effort in their looks and bodies. At walmart and nursing home…its not anything glam about it or pro thin,

I come in limping…….I lied and told them I sprain my ankle….but its a new week and I’m still limping. So either they ask do I have kids? To explain my fat and limpy self. Or say oh your still tired from yesterday,….trying to be funny. I tried to call out to rest my ankles. I was told I can’t since I’m still in my 90 day period. So off to work I go…..crawled to the bathroom, stayed on the floor and used my spray pain away bottle…a bottle I had used at the job that laid me off. The same job that took me from 300 to 249 pounds where I thought I never needed the spray bottle again. Thanks to that bottle still in great pain it took maybe 20 percent away out of 100. I stood up…after being on the floor for 30 minutes….needing to go to the rest room for three hours, but pain so great I held it until I had no choice. Took me long to get dressed,  limped slowly to the bus stop, long story short had to limp 30 minutes from the train station to work and thanks to a resident who felt a smoke break was more important which made me miss the bus….it was either limp slowly to the train station , with painful feet and after work a 40 min walk or wait for the next bus to the train station a hour later.

It was real late I clocked out at 10:06pm,made it to the bus stop at 10:08pm the bus long gone at 10:06pm.

Off I walked listening to music on youtube to beauty tips. Lots of trees and bushes a long the way, many passing cars. My co-workers ….just like my old job) could drive me 4 minutes or less to the train station, but they say they will get lost and not from around these parts. When its just a straight shot and many pass by it anyway! Everyone has rides from family, or they own a car, one catches the bus, but she caught the one on time, but sometimes they give her a ride. Shes one of the popular girls there, but shes nice.

I walked in the dead of the night, limping, tired, I do anything for a ride I thought. Then this Latin guy in a decent car pulls up beside me as I’m walking on the side walk. He offers me a ride. I wanted to jump in so badly and tell him where I stay, so I can get home and just relax. I told him no. I continued limping on. He drove alllllll the way around back to me to ask me again. I was almost to the train station …..but I told him no thank you. The offer did mean a lot, but I don’t know him. And he looked annoyed I didn’t go in. I mean I can’t get my own co-workers to take me minutes down the street, but you a total stranger would? I didn’t trust that.

I talked to someone a year ago. Shes legally blind and she said that after work no matter how close a distance to where she lived or a train station. Her own co-workers who liked her a lot wouldn’t give her a ride, even driving by her like they do me and beeping their *&%%^*horns (I hate when they do that…I just act like I don’t see them) driving by waving, or say oh I saw you (enter location) with a huge smile like your suppose to react like wow cool. My inner self wants to tell them to get the fuck away from me! I’m in PAIN I’m SUFFERING yet you want to tell me you drove by me? I will never understand that.

She moved to Austin and she said co-workers offer you rides down the street, and men in Austin offer you rides without the feeling its really sexual only. It was actually a few Austin people who raised up 400 and something dollars to save my apartment by paying the rent of it. The people I know in this city ask for help, but admit they wouldn’t help me :/

Anyway back on topic…

300 pounds stock girl. I listened in on thin girls. I noticed both the black and white girls both size zeros….you never saw them eat.

I wanted to be just like them so badly. So badly. I wanted to be a walking thin girl too. I will take it in a size 4. A 2 would be bliss.

When I worked as a sitter most of the women were obese and black like me, we had some white workers too, but they were fat as well.

I ate five candy bars with no shame, I would drink 3-4 cans of fruit punch after…or during.

I would eat before work and after, even requesting the aide give me a breakfast like my resident minus the prunes. I bought lunch there Nursing home food helps you gain weight….I didn’t care. I ate and ate and ate. I had no one to make me rethink my true desire to be thin. Everyone was average to obese. Some who were average weight and wore make up were also butter faces too….so I kept eating.

I loved the way the Hershey bars felt in my mouth and the fruit punch just made my mouth go insane with pleasure….until it was over.

No one judged my size, no one tried to look like a play boy girl or runway modal to make me feel less then…because deep down I envy that. Would never admit to it publicly. The job required a lot of sitting (I was a sitter) and help one resident get dress, use the bathroom, and off to bed. I never limped after work. This job was perfect for my 300 pound self. I believe I went up to 306 during that time.

 

 

I know it may sound bad, but if women just were 50-100 pounds overweight. That would make me feel better when I become thin since I will be the one sought after. I want to host parties full of calorie rich food and drinks to increase the size of thin women/girls. Not to bed bound status now thats evil, but enough to make a guy over look them and see me. Thats why I think as a sales girl at ice cream polar I made sure to mention rich milkshakes and I added malt and chocolate, whip cream with a cherry on top for these two joggers….with swishing pony tails in cotton rubber bands. Their shorts were also …real short revealing long thin legs (they were short, but somehow…)

When they taste that shake they seemed so happy those bright Colgate white smiles. Saying they just finished jogging and came for water and I was so happy they agreed on a large.

I got home exactly at 11:29pm. After boiling tea, watching a few minutes of tv…too tired to complete a show (I saved the energy to type tonight) its now 1:47am. I will continue reliving that beautiful day in my mind.

Heres to fruits and vegetables and finding the man of my dreams! lol

 

Going to work hurts.

June 18, 2014

I take vitamin D3 pills daily for my bones. Do I feel its working? Like most vitamins….not really…at all. Today its 6/18/14 time 4:08am.

Its hard for me to sleep later since I drink so much caffeine during my shift for energy.  I try to sneak sit when I can to get all the weight off my feet and joints. After my shift my limping is so noticeable and both feet and ankles hurt. Not just one side. I get up at 12pm to prepare for work. I hope I can walk….just one more day before having a day off to rest my feet and every other part of me. I laid here for a hour before struggling up to get my clothes out the dryer. First slowly using my right hand resting on my near by chair to lift myself up. Then limped badly and slowly to the dryer and back. I was thinking the whole time I can’t wait for this to be over.

I talked to my co-workers and they said themselves the guys I’m getting is from my weight. And that once they lost weight better men came. She said men have it in their heads when your fat you have lower expectations and should be easier to get. I told her I know thats the truth. Like in my opinion you can get a decent guy, but that same guy would have to do a lot just to have a thin girl’s attention.

They welcomed me to walk with them on their lunch breaks….lol. Um I know I surely can’t walk after work if I did that. Plus now I walk even more since this job and I mean coming and going home. Drivers have to squeeze in their walks. Us bus riders don’t.

She said I’m young (I don’t see myself young anymore. Pretty much fat and aged) and that I should be having fun and dating and dressing up. The older I get I thought the more I miss out because my weight been holding me back for years.

*No prom

*No boyfriend

*No clothes I truly like

*Can’t run to save my own life

Just getting older and struggling. Nothing has changed except I’m bigger, and trying to keep a job if my ankles can just hold off for one more day.

My ankles are throbbing now and my feet just want a break. I feel I been in prison because of society views of it’s obese population. There I things I want to try, but dare not to because at my size I won’t be welcomed. I was welcomed to a concert a couple of years ago….can’t go. I refuse to be the fat fan every band hates to have.

I can’t apply at hooters or regular stores because they rather no experience and slim. Then fat and experienced.

I can’t have a desk job that would be ideal for me right now because everyone tends to want a slim or average sized woman who can stand longer then you sitting there….texting ….and doing nothing, but existing to answer a few phone calls and point to where you need to go…again point.

 

My mind has always wanted to run, jog, jump knowing that when I came back down my knees would be intact, to roll around, to do more, but I can’t physically without extreme pain that could do a lot of damage.

Its like being fat its not worth living. Deep down I think sometimes why I’m I still alive? Death is the easy way out, but at least no bills, no more trying, and no more being judged based on size, and last no more food triggers and super thin women triggering me into some form of deep sadness because I want their size so bad!

I wish I could be one of those large women who embrace their size. Then find a guy who is far from my type, but I take him anyway,and pretend everything is all lovely.

I tried to embrace the whole fat movement, but it makes me feel worse. I feel like crying at such a thought. 😦

I’m going to bed now. And day dream myself running, jumping…happiness …just happiness and using my body how it was met to.

In the nursing home some of the people (not counting the bed bound ones) move better then me. I have pain that I shouldn’t be having now.

Such a pointless way to live.

The pain I’m having now…is unreal.

I just hope to walk one more day for work today before having that much needed day off.

I am losing some weight, but I didn’t want to lose it this way in such pain.

I will post weight loss later in some days. I don’t count calories, just all the walking….hours…not 30min….and at a slow pace (I have no choice pace wise).

Let me go…..zzzzz

 

 

Intro: Water fast day ONE- Yes I will complete this one. 325 pounds.

June 8, 2014

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FASTING RULE NUMBER 1:

Never do a fast under stress.

I SAY: Unless your retired and live in the mountains stress happens. Stress happens to me a lot. Like maybe losing my place next month if not hired fast enough (applied to 10 jobs today), or when employed dealing with residents or/and managers, or not being able to afford something I really wanted….the list goes on and many others have stress out there too. Its a true gift to have a non stressful life. Some people stress over good things such as what to wear on a date, their first house, child, throwing the perfect party. If many go based on not having stress than many can never fast in their lives.

 

FASTING RULE NUMBER 2:

Try to relax and stay away from hard exercises.

I SAY: If you have a demanding job psychically…what else can you do? You would of failed a fast at a office desk job just as much. Its harder, but possible. Any diet or fast is all mental. Anything you do which is good or bad starts in the mind. If someone turns you on it all starts in the mind, if you want to steal it all  started in the mind….just like me going out in the dead of the night thanks to chocolate mental images of candy. The advice given about fasting seems it is geared to people who can take it easy. Plus when I fast I’m sorry I will do some sort of exercise to increase the weight loss.

FASTING RULE NUMBER 3:

Prepare for a water fast by eating fruits and veggies and maybe some light soups.

I SAY: For me I have to go cold turkey. The idea of sipping or soups and eating clean….rubs my food addiction the wrong way. Any diet I been on feels like a self tease of what I really want. It would be grand to start off the right track and of my budget of zero income…..water is pretty cheap. I have distilled water in a gallon, but if I have to there is a sink…I mean my cats are healthy and then been drinking sink water for over a year now. Honestly even if I had 5000 dollars I rather go cold turkey. I have tried clean eating first only to have a burger and some type of pie or cake after.

 

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WHAT REALLY SPEEDS UP WATER FASTING RESULTS

1) A low salt diet helps with rapid weight loss. If you eat a low sodium diet  your body doesn’t hold on to water. By water fasting and sipping/drinking water and low salt aka only water SOME of the weight loss is water weight. Not all, but a few pounds is water weight.

2) If you don’t eat your body has to use whats inside of you for fuel. Thats why many suffer low energy some days when water fasting. No carbs, sugar, ect. to give you a boost. Only bacteria, fat, and what not.

3) Lack of calories.

 

WHAT I WILL TELL MYSELF TO COPE:

1) I’m not going to die.

2) Grocery stores, fast foods, restaurants will not go out of business as soon as I go on a water fast.

3) Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, and many more who are very well off even have to suffer diets, exercise plans just to look average or really good. Takes suffering (yes for me just not touching food alone). Even the ones who claim not to do anything to seem they were genetically lucky have to work hard too.

4) Life sucks, but eating/binging won’t cure it…..makes it worse.

5) If I feel odd, mentally weak, or a sudden empty tummy feelings….have to remind myself that I ate that before, and if it’s different in culture of food….its really not that different. Meat, sweet, wheat,…I mean all foods are related just made a little different or use of meat that may not be common to you. Nothings truly new.

6) Romance vs food, wedding vs food, a actual relationship vs food, cute clothes vs food……

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WATER FASTING TIPS (At least for me…remember don’t copy me I’m desperate)

1) Going back to my nightly roots…..fetal position..and comfort myself and try my hardest to shift my thoughts to endless date nights, and single digit clothing tag shopping sprees instead of all things soft and sweet.

2) A shower…a shower makes me feel like I’m restarting and cleansing myself of worries, sadness, and just in general just starting over. Kinda like starting a whole new day.

3) Self massage of the stomach. With slight pressure on my stomach (for obvious reasons).

4) For me forcing myself to drink water increases my desire for food…so drink water when I feel like it. No gum, no diet soda….this is a pure water fast.

5) Rest when possible if needed.

6) When I was losing weight, sometimes brushing my teeth helped…sometimes. I mean a fresh minty mouth biting into something wonderful sometimes happened too.

7) Sounds crazy, but I recall placing a ice pack or a zip lock full of ice on my stomach. Oddly this worked sometimes in the past.

8) This works so well I don’t do it because I want to eat. Any food you really…really want picture it, and imagine it full of pinkish/brownish worms all oozing out of it, and dipping back in.

 

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WHAT I ATE YESTERDAY:

*Not all at one time, just through out the day.

1) Two boxes of uncooked great valued brand of shells (enriched macaroni) of course cooked. Each box has 8 servings, 200 calories per serving, serving size 3/4 (laughable yes).

2) Three jars of great value (yes on a serious budget, cheap and creamy goodness), classic Alfredo.  7 servings per jar, 45 calories per serving, serving size 1/4.

3) One reeses peanut buttercup (two cups per package) calories I think are 200.

4) From the frozen section one Boston Market meal (country fried beef steak)  520 calories.

5) One Sara lee cherry flavored cheesecake. Yes ate the whole thing in one sitting. Serving size 1/4, 4 servings per pie, 340 calories per slice…again I ate the whole med. size pie.

How many calories? I don’t feel like counting and I know its a lot. And deep down I don’t want to know my damage.

 

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MEASUREMENTS

Around waist/stomach: 57 inches

Upper Left arm: 21 in, upper Right arm: 20 in

Right thigh 35 1/2 , Left thigh:35 1/2

Right calf: 21 in, left calf 20 in

Bum: 54 in

 

 

PHOTOS:

Photos taken sometime yesterday.

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Because I’m concerned about job hunting I found myself eating…more..more..and more. I know people judge others based on weight no matter how covered up and well dressed you are. By binging on cheap foods I’m doing more harm then good.  The length of the fast is unknown to me. Just going to take it one day at a time. After I’m done I will print only this page and the rest of the fasting pages. I will force myself and take my own advice on these pages. I know I can do this. Its 6/8/14 and the time 5:20am now.

 

RANDOM:

Its based on my opinion on what I hope my body mimics in the future….its never too late. If I was 50 I still would be aiming for the slender marry me next week, I’m sexy cute look.

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I love the whole Nicki Minji curvy body type…..just I love the slender body even more. The slender body can go anywhere….not just a rap video. A slender body can travel, and even if someone says you need to eat….in their mind you should, but global you win!

 

I’m black. It helps. I mean people assume that I’m black that I have a church I call home and want to either be fat and proud or desire to lose weight for a curvy build. Sometimes I still joke how I want a thick body, but want to lose weight and I mention curvy girls that most non black women on average don’t want as a body goal. And they believe me besides getting its a joke. Kim K is popular with many, but not me. I feel shes a little too big goal wise. And nothing wrong with their sizes (plus size women) just slender women regardless of race/age seem so elegant if they want to. Plus size women can too, but I feel we have to try harder to find the right clothes to pull it off. A slim woman can have a ugly butter face, but men focus on the neck down. Yet will look her in the face and say how beautiful she is. Thinness is very powerful.

Do you know how I felt being rung up by a cashier in her 50’s, greying hair with blonde, slight bent back, slim like maybe a size 6, with missing teeth tells me she is only working for fun. Her guy doesn’t want her to, but open minded enough for her to. He loves her and works all the time and to kill boredom she decided to work part time….and me single with all my teeth so far, just unfair and the only love I get are my cats:(

The real killer is hearing recently about a size 0 BLACK girl having some 50 something year old guy taking her out to dinner, buying gifts, and wants to take things serious (she said no over and over) that could lead to marriage. I’m not big on dating too young or too older then me, but when a older guy does see me he thinks of sex and good bye. Size zero girl is treated like a princess. I get treated like a street walker.

 

Day one….day one….I can do this….

 

 

 

I’m back…BIGGER, more DEPRESSED, and pretty much hopeless.

April 2, 2014

When I first started this blog. I was fat, kinda hopeful. I don’t recall my weight when I first started this blog. I would have to look back myself. I worked for a nice retail store that sold 500$ short shorts. I loved that place. I remember feeling so shocked that 300 pound me even got the position as a stock person. I remember seeing all those thin women and thinking ok well fake it and don’t expect a call back. When I did I remember almost screaming for joy! Ten dollars a HOUR and FULL TIME. I had maybe a few dollars on me and used all my money to pay for rent meaning if it wasn’t for me landing the job….I wouldn’t have a apartment.

My former co-workers were average weight to obese like myself. We ate, watch and cared for the elderly and ate some more. The few thin ones couldn’t be compared to retail sales women. All made up, always dressed nice, it was like working around teen and adult models. Some looked like your everyday person, but many were like ….why not me?

I always wanted to be thin (size 4 and under). But working in this environment of workers being the majority aka thin. The desire grew stronger. Walking 30 minutes to work fast as my hog size legs could take me, then going up three flights of stairs just to clock in, then standing on my feet most the shift. When I first started I would sit down to rest my pain stricken feet for a minute and limp on back to work. I would limp and no one would say anything during my shift (out of kindness) . Time went on of this five days a week, climbing ladders, breaking a sweat, then the long walk back home.

 

I was a A plus worker. I did other tasks that were not part of my job, but other managers were grateful. I was told thank you so much (enter my name here) I worked harder for the praise then the wage.  I was simply the morbidly obese black girl, I felt I didn’t stand out as a beauty due to my weight. I was ignored as a possible love interest to male co-workers, very much so over looked. Due to the work load, the lifting, the climbing, the walking, I then became 250 something. I remember my first hi from a male co-worker who seemed to not know I existed my massive size and all was pure invisible. With weight loss my crush took notice, but by then I had lost interest (not a hundred percent).

 

I recall my weight no longer dropping and the weight loss tips I wrote in this blog I did. My coffee…yes the morbidly obese girl who shook her head hearing all the single digit women say they were hungry rush for coffee was now doing the same. I even improved my coffee to cut off hunger for some hours…again HOURS. I started feeling good not oh Im up looks nice out type good, BUT GOOOOOD. I started having….a actual waist, the guys at work started to kinda glance at me…not ghetto guys looking for a baby mama to take them to maury show land in the future. I mean NORMAL guys who would take you out to get to know you in hopes of wanting you. Crazy part was even lesbians took notice driving by a woman yelled hey baby!

 

I started passing by the wedding area seeing myself someday slim and married. Happy. My man happy and proud he has a slim wife on his arms. I couldn’t believe I was becoming dare I say….hot!!!?

Even the latino guy who was like a guy next door type, funny even hinted on us being together. Before I’d get mexican dudes old enough to be my daddy or my age with too many tats and hood lingo to boot.

 

I then used my tips, pushed myself harder next minute I was now 249 pounds the lowest I been in many many years I mean as a young teen. All the positiveness started coming my way. I even mistaken a guy saying hi at work who ONLY looked at the other THIN girls notice me and said hi…I remember looking around and it was me he was speaking to. I will be honest…I didn’t reply back. Was too in shock.

I was becoming…human. Meaning because I was losing weight society was telling me I deserve to be loved and wanted. I deserve happiness. Yes I been fat many years, but its ok Im becoming thin now. I felt for the first time in my life I felt…alive.

 

Then change of managers. The new manager hired many people, the new manager targeted those who he felt didn’t work enough, I then began to skip lunch breaks and 15 min breaks working hard. The other managers would say how great I’m doing, I was told I was a hard worker by others, and get this many times I work off the clock because he became strict about how many hours we worked. So now we were no longer full time, sent us home early and gave us three day offs. Yet he hired. The guys he hired would be on the clock and would SIT in the break room for 2-3 hours watching tv as the rest of us worked hard. Many saw this, but the manager watched me. If he didn’t see me and I was in the bathroom I had to say I was going to the bathroom…stress loomed. Not normal work stress, but he was obsessed with me. The weight crept on. I no longer followed my tips, I no longer tried as hard so 249 back to 250’s, but hey I was still smaller right?

 

Long story short some were laid off such as sales people. I asked a co worker who worked with the company for about 5 years. Will they lay off stock workers? He said no they need us…long story short I was laid off.

I cried at work…after work.

I was in total shock. I didn’t care anymore I was too said….260’s…then 270’s became me.

I was making 11.55 a hour, long story short I got hired at walmart for 8.20 a hour part-time…which was really full time under the table for all of us over night workers. Pretty much earning 60 dollars a day. It felt like a low blow and my self worth was shot.

I went from upper class customers, guys who wouldn’t give me the time of day unless they saw improvement in my size to walmart co-workers where the guys ask if I wanted to be there baby mama, or do I want to head back to their crib….the weight increase and my self esteem took a hit. Then the older black guy cornered me and said ALL black women want is a wet black dick, and how we have a bunch of kids, the same older guy who came to me in my ear as I was working mentioning his cum.

The guys called themselves nigga as well. I can go on, but then a guy who had no dreams of a future and seemed confused about the word marriage would sing to me as I worked and tap dance (yet never got in trouble) and wanted me as his future baby mama to the point he called me mama 😦    My weight increased 280’s.

I became different. No longer the happy, smiling stock girl with a boy crush as maybe her first sexual fling? Or losing so much weight she was thinking who would ask her out first? No longer the one who joked. My co-workers woman wise were fat women both black and white. Few were thin, but many were proud of their side rolls and if a guy didn’t like it oh well! One with a funny walk and large told me she eats whatever she wants….I longed for my old job, I wish ill for the manager who laid me off.

There were black and white co-workers at my last job, but most had class, most were normal. At walmart I stop wearing make up, did my hair like whatever, nothing mattered and the men had no care just looking for sex and to call you their girl friend only because of sex. No dates, no romance. No nothing. Just mention of their crib. Over time I got use to it, behind my back I over heard I was nick named the white girl only because I didn’t take interest in men who are not into marriage or in general courting me and maybe becoming a great male role model to any kids we may have.

A white guy with ear length blonde hair, blue eyes dressed kinda cute…but hell I work at walmart. He kinda was looking at me. As a fat girl any guy that looks at me is nothing to take serious. Two black male co workers came and helped him asap with whatever he needed. One came back and said that white dude was checking you out…I said ok shrug it off and went back to work. From that point on the black male workers watched me sometimes made me feel uncomfortable.

Working at walmart the customers were not really thin most of the time norwere my co-workers most of the time many were average to huge. My pro thin environment was very much gone. No longer working where you and  few token fatties existed oh no we had our own town! 290’s came on.

Besides all the above the managers treated us all badly, some cursed the managers out, some like me would go cry in secret, we missed breaks and work through lunch breaks just to finish our work. If not done you were written up no matter how much it was. I then began to befriend some and try to comfort those broken down like me. Only the guys didn’t have to work as hard, few guys had to. Favoritism oozed.

Because I became outspoken (back to being morbidly obese) I was one of the few main targets. I talked to those who were brave like me to do something. The store manager was on their side and didn’t take action to remove the support manager or manager even though before I was even hired many had quit over the same reason. Since I was one of the few targets the manager came on his DAY OFF to write me up saying I called out….I had proof that I called out because I had a stalker and was afraid to go out that night because the police missed him…again..again. He didn’t write his favorites up who called out because they didn’t feel like coming to work, but me..yup.

 

When I told the police can I have proof (this time they caught my stalker who would follow me and remember I have no car, who would call me a fat ass and let him touch it, fat ass, big ass, right at my door). the police were shocked and asked where do I work? I said walmart and not another word was said.

I had too many write ups from due to the stalker, and ice storm in dallas I couldn’t walk out to the bus stop! I did my best. I would be working slow because I was so sick, snot running down my nose, sneezing, eyes red and sore yet walmart managers didn’t care. I was placed in the freezer so sick and treated badly.

Luckily I got to sign back up for school and applied for a loan. I knew if I quit I would be ok temp.

 

I quit…………………sometime in Feb. I was on the verge of being fired and got tired of the work abuse.

I called corporate and some others did too. I was asked did I tell the store manager? I said we all told the store manager about the support manager and her ways and the manager. Long story short I wish it didn’t take me and one other to get everyone going. This should of been done before I got hired. Store manager was transferred elsewhere, manager quit, support manager is now a reg stock worker and her pressure been going up last I heard and her best friend moved on who got sick of her treatment as well.

 

I used my income tax to pay rent, my loan a small student loan to pay my rent of this month) and I need to find a job REAL soon. Job offers I get are part time….and being home no more getting up at 5am for work to get ready and to walk 30 min to work, then three flights upstairs, then on my feet for hours, climbing ladders up and down, no more feeling tired after work taking a slow 40 too 50 min walk back home crossing heavy traffic.

 

Now Im 5’10 and between a shameful 312-313 pounds and all I do is eat cheap high calorie foods.

 

Looking at my old posts in this blog hurts that once upon a time I was 249 working at a job that I thought would take care of me until I got my education. A job I would be there on my days off if needed, a job I was rarely late for.

When I got laid off my managers and the managers I helped went to my head boss trying to tell him not to lay me off. And had proof why they needed me…..I felt so touch because it also came from managers who never acted like I did a great job at all. Me being laid off all the truth came out.

 

I still can remember how great it felt to not have as much knee pain, to be able to jog for at least a minute instead of a few seconds, to walk to work and be able to jog, walk,jog, repeat and get to work on time. To have eyes on me saying how I look leaner, better, to having my secret crush take notice of me , I was no longer the fat girl, but the fat girl who was becoming smaller and smaller.

 

I felt someday I would join the thin girls in cute shoes and skirts and shorts and enjoy eye candy that when he turned around it wouldn’t be in disgust.

 

There it is Im so big I can’t even fit in my uniform anymore only my walmart uniform.

 

312-313 pounds.

 

Im back…..but now I have a LONGER ways to go 😦

Thats the main reason why I have been gone. Too much worry, too much bad luck and sadness, ….but here I go again.

 

Just can’t believe how I was looking so good, so much pain free.

 

Never allow anyone to tell you weight loss is easy, and I care less if they USE to be fat too. I been though hell…..and some heaven.

May 15, 2013

 

 

I see thin women who smoke, some exercise hours…and hours, some workout early in the morning and then after work too, some eat very little or a lot in low calorie foods…veggies anyone?

Weight loss is not easy! I see men and women in scooters appearing over 400 pounds brave enough to be in the mall and at the food court ordering food…when many are staring and judging. I see them and think wow I would be afraid to go out since people can be rude and some people are crazy enough to think their hurtful words of fat shaming is going to have these people eating less then what they are use to!

I have no right to judge a person bigger then me, or feel hey if I did it so can they! And how do I not know that they lost some weight already for their family and health? Food is beyond good, the flavors, textures, and its legal. You can eat any amount when stressed, nervous, worried, sad, ect.

I rather be a friend to one then be one of those former fat folks who now feel since I was fat its ok for me to tell them how to lose weight and make it known they are heavy (trust me I know, they know we all know, even a blind overweight person know if their fat).

If they ask for my advice thats fine…but won’t bring it back up making them regret ever asking.

If they say they have back pain and what can work for them NOW, that doesn’t open doors for me to bring up weight loss which can take months to a year or so.

When I was 300 pounds I recall (in a old post) that a girl who was 300 something if not nearing 400. I tried to bring up weight loss because I liked her as a person and wanted a weight loss buddy deep down. She shut me off. Likely heard it all and didn’t want to hear it at work either.

 

Weight loss is not easy….

How Im losing weight…honestly as of now. Raw truth.

 

I had a stress work related binge three days ago…..one baked potato and a half, with lots of lettuce, and vinegar dressing, and my beloved cheese and sour cream. My stomach was so tight I couldn’t eat the other half…..the less you eat over some days the fuller you get a little sooner…plus I was sipping diet Arizona green tea in between large mouthfuls.

I laid down on my stomach and felt my body wanting to release. I could of ignored it and I don’t purge daily it seems more of once or twice a month. The scale crossed my mind and how amazing I feel to have my pants feel looser, to feel a little lighter on my feet compared to 300 pound me. To the kitchen I went with garbage disposal!  Then after some time off to the shower and no longer did I feel greatly full, but more of as if I had a normal size meal.

Yes the stairs…..I do more stair climbing going to up trains, at work anyway…no choice of three flights to work, but when I do have a choice I try to walk up the stairs. Doesn’t matter how slow I go, or I have to catch my breath by the second flight. It gets better since now I lose my breath at the 3rd flight. Do I enjoy stairs….no. I feel ok its toning up my legs, and giving me a random slight calorie burning boost. Its not fun, its not something I look forward to. And yes their are times I skip, but mostly I walk up. I remember last year how I go up the stairs to catch the train. Catching my breath after half way up….hearing my train come and leave 😦  as I stood their huffing and puffing. People more small in size went right pass me and rush aboard the train. When I got up their all I could do was sit there and make a phone call to pass the time.

Yes walking and please don’t think this is the main answer to our weight loss prayers! I still don’t have a car years later. Walking as made sure I never had high blood pressure like some my weight at the time or thinner. I have people who known me for walking, total strangers would tell me girl you don’t play you get around by foot! I would walk a easy 3 hours a day to get things done…..but was still 300 pounds! Any weight loss magazine that had lose weight by walking I never bought. Problem was I would eat several servings of rocky road ice cream, and guess what? Eat a whole cherry pie with it and thats not counting the other things I ate through out the day such as tacos, burgers, two bowls of cereal and candy. I had someone say they didn’t understand how could I be 300 pounds and walk everywhere? Its like asking a super skinny person how could they be so thin and don’t exercise. One eats way beyond what my body could burn, the other eats way below to assure their current weight to maintain. I walk a hour a day 30 to work, 30 going home to 40. I remember last year limping after work, having to sit somewhere under a tree from the sun to catch my breath after work. On days off it can be walking of 2-3 hours and no I don’t do speed walking. I try to going to work, but thats it! I walk slow to med. And yes the elderly who took up walking as a form of health can still out do me lol.

Thats right pills! Now I have been drinking my Arizona diet green tea two-four cups a day….because it taste good and its guilt free. I don’t drink diet cokes too much these days and more of full calorie mountain dew….yes really. I took zantrex 3 on and off last year and the year before that…does it work? Yes! Do I still take it? NO. It works, but now I feel diet pills are junkie meds. Its like getting a genetic of something you have to go to the doctor for. Zantrex 3 gave me a pound weight loss a day. It made me feel like the idea of food….not a good idea. Its high and caffine is the secret too. Black cups of coffee again….cups of coffee should give you the same results, but cheaper. Caffine is good and safe for weight loss…in low amounts. Now I go to a doctor for um…what hollywood folks like to try? It has cut my desire for food….for like four hours lol top. I won’t share what it is, but my doctor told me today its only a short term effect. I plan on staying on it anyway since it has help my energy levels I use to tire easy. Pills are my best friend, but I don’t take them on days off,and have skip out on them for a week or so. Its not a everyday thing. The right med can help anyone, but its effects are not long term. Long term means taking higher amounts and for myself Im against that. Reason why I won’t allow my body to get use to anything, so the same dose will or my guess always work.

Yes the mind is where we make all choices. People who decide to give, kill, change religions, day dream of cake, dare to say I love you, ….everything starts in the mind. Anything you do even if it required a few minutes or seconds of thought starts in the mind. I STILL have to do self talk. Like Ebony you can do go up the stairs it won’t be bad once its over, or no if you eat that …you know how salty it is and its not really your favorite save your calories for that candy bar you really want instead. Or look at that skinny lady who is in her 40’s she looks amazing don’t you want to be like that? Its best to self talk where only you can hear YOUR voice. Its more powerful then saying in your head its like the mind don’t take it as serious. Its like whatever were going to eat ten of those today! The mind is where desire, dislike, love and hate begins.

 

Based on the above I would never act as if weight loss is more of buying pricey black grapes (yup 8 dollars a bag…I put them babies back yesterday!) then having a slice of cheese cake. Its better for you and me to have that cheese cake…..when I place myself on a strict diet of say diet foods only…thats when I fail. Why not have 1000 calories worth of mountain dew, donuts, veggie burgers (I love those over beef!) then to say have veggies, and mmm thats it? Its ok that I eat just veggies if I want a five pound weight loss asap, but I know its all about calories at the end.

Many say calories are not the same and you will lose weight maybe eating 1200 of veggies and lean meat then my way of fiber one bars, ice cream, and cake, and soda. I don’t know if thats true or not, but I am losing just fine my way. Some days I may go the health nut way , but most days there is a brownie in front of me with ice cream and chocolate syrup worth 500 something in calories with my name on it. I then have two veggie burgers both worth 300 each…thank goodness for 45 calorie bread lol.

Weight loss is a serious struggle, its not easy.

If they got books for skinny people on how to lose that last five pounds, no one can expect me or you to find it simple to lose that last hundred!

Never allow a former fat person who has forgotten TRULY how much they had to put into it to lose weight. I mean they claim they recall….but uh uh not 100 percent.

 

 

 

 

Tips that worked for me yesterday to ignore odd stomach sounds and desire for food.

1) Sit ups….yes it took me 80 sit ups to kill it. Strange, but it happen by mistake. I just said ok let me do some sit ups with my app. The more I did the more my stomach stop :/ this was around 10pm

2) Self talk early that morning lol.

 

Also how …is it that I am eating these foods?

Forgot to mention I eat my food between 10am-11am. Then I no longer eat…it allows my body a head start and pretty much like fasting in a way.

Sometimes I eat twice, but never late say pass 5pm.

Also a known fact if you eat for example 700 calories a day…then out of nowhere eat 2000 calories…you will be smaller the next day!

 

 

Random thought: With my weight loss, at work some guys no longer feel ashamed to flirt with me (even married) openly now. 300 pound me got no love. It was more of a embarrassment then anything to even joke flirt with me. No matter how the guy may look himself. Its unreal. Im still fat, but not as big as before, but still fat.

My thighs still rub, I still wear plus size clothes, and I still got back rolls…trust me still fat. With clothes on I look better.

In a old blog post from last year. I recall my dream on a guy I use to have a crush on. Its still kinda there, but if he had a serious interest and asked me out…..I sadly have to say no. The 300 pound me would of scream murder if it knew I would do that! I never forgot my dream where we were sitting, but not facing each other. I think we were at a park or somewhere it was clean, beautiful, and a whitish aura strange yes.

In my dream I said to him you had a chance with me, but you know in the future its too late. I recall him saying I know as he looked down kinda.

This the same guy who when I was still kinda new was like whooo whoo when he thought I was talking about coming back to Texas for him. After I finished ignoring his whoo whoo’s he then laughed and got what I met. I won’t travel to another state for any guy! A guy recently wanted me to move to Canada for him…um no.  I heard of men moving for thin girls…proof Im not thin yet!

Now my former crush tells me he saw me such and such place and wanted to go up to me, but rethought it.

300 pound me….nowhere cared where I was.

Co-worker even joked saying oh you stalking her!

Guys flirt, before it was just jokes of how I was lazy  (lol what ever), but now their flirts, jokes, and what ever else.

I got a wedding book (free) and just know I have to stay focused.

 

This may sound crazy to most, but besides my not so grand life, stress, feeling hopeless about life in general and where I am going as I get older. Being black I felt it didn’t matter if I was thin or fat. Just didn’t matter. I killed those thoughts and know it does matter if I want to get ahead in life, wear the best things, and land the guy of my dreams…it matters a lot.

I think back to my 300 pound teen self. How I see women who looked like a stray cat in the face, but from the neck down had model bodies get the cute guys. It hurt, sucked, and everything else in between.

 

Weight loss is hard, you have to have a passion of yourself to do whatever it takes, you have to be mentally ready. And former fat folks need to quit saying (yes this one is  true) that oh my mom on her death bed last words were she wanted to lose weight, but it took a group of teens mooing at me to make me drop the weight….this mess is what makes people think fat shaming is the answer when its not! You have been fat shamed since you were big!!!!! If fat shaming was the answer no fat people would exist.

You have to have a good reason to want to lose weight to fuel your desire. I would lie and say for my health when deep down if I had high blood pressure and was skinny I be happy! I had to be honest with myself saying yes its for guys to appear more appealing in this era which is thin. To be able to buy cute clothes, to go see the clearance rack and leave with 20 clothing items worth ten dollars because they have so much small clothes left and no large or xx large. To go anywhere in a upscale or middle class area and get attention, to feel special as the obese trends go higher knowing that I won’t be a part of it (no offense to anyone).

Now if your honest and its about your health then you will reach your goals someday even with many set backs, but be honest to yourself. ……its ok to lie sometimes. More so if you don’t want to hear the it should be for your health speech.

 

Im still me, goofy, wishful, someone save me type. Would of been the same as a 500 pound bed bound woman.

Nothings changed, but my size alone.

I have always been me. I always had desires for short shorts, and tops that showed off my shoulders. Now as I lose weight people will think wow shes changed…when all along no thats me. Just wasn’t going to be large in a outfit I feel would look hot on me if smaller.

At 300 I let it be known that is who I am, people laugh.

Nothings changed, but my size.

And I see clothes that show who I really am. Silly, child like, and can be sexy too at times. I already saw what I want to wear on the honey moon night, but my family loves to laugh and joke that I need a man first…true, but nothing wrong with ahead planning!

Never had a boyfriend, but the smaller I get the higher chance I have of having one that I have interest in!

 

 

 

What makes thin women beautiful- Im careful I don’t appear like a lesbian

May 6, 2013

I was thinking back some years to have seen the first ever plus size woman who looked above a size 18 married to a decent, successful upper middle class man. Their home was med/large.
They had a smart daughter who was friends with my sister, the mom stayed home cooking her family treats, and heavy meals and they were so well off they threw away their left overs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After each meal it all went out!!! Not all well off people do that, but they did.

Seeing a couple like that or the few minority of positive relationships with larger women gives most of us hope. Even made me believe that hey I too can have a sane, educated guy or a guy who wants to be educated, or has a business, or just the cute starving artist who has a job at star bucks, but problem is many of these type of guys don’t exist. Disney even knows that!

I do believe plus size women are beautiful if dressed correctly (its hard for me to dress my body, but I can dress Barbie really good!) Plus size women were in big time and still are in more hunger stricken places of the world. A large woman met health, and that she would survive…which is true. If all food was taken away a thin person would die off sexy, ideal and all first.  Very old pics of women were never so thin. A thin women back then was not the first on a mans list. In this era in Hollywood when doing films of the old days somehow the women were really thin when in truth …thats a lie. Some were plus size, some average size in todays standards.

The answer: MEDIA, FRIENDS, PRIDE

Its true closet bbw lovers exist I heard of them online, but at the end they too go for what is considered ideal size for a woman.

Lets say this woman below is sweet, caring, is part of the organ donation, respects others, and helps tutor at a locale center:

 

Now for example reasons lets say this woman use to steal, drinks a lot I mean a lot, will curse you out in public, and is pretty much only about herself and maybe you if she needs something:

 

 

I read aol crime news daily and women who end up killing their men are thin women it seems more so then a plus size woman. Why? Not saying skinny women are all crazy because it takes nerves of steel to not go for seconds up to 5ths.

True news piece from years ago. A former model killed her long term boyfriend. A FORMER MODEL killed her long term boyfriend. Meaning this was a thin woman, not a former bitter model who now enjoys food and hates how models have to be thin…meaning she lost any possible way of becoming a model again not that she cared back then..anyway.

Just notice how the big and small stories of women attacking and killing their men. Why the men put up with so much because she is just oh so beautiful from the neck down or maybe she is beautiful from the head down, but doesn’t matter. A man into plus size women may…may put up with a little, but he is out or maybe he was out and you were fine? Either way men know their are many bbw/plus size women to choose from their is no shortage of us.

The former model’s FAMILY even told the guy shes crazy, had bipolar and to leave her ect. nope she is skinny and he is staying! I won’t and don’t have to list the news stories now and in the past years of thin women doing this because men put up with it. I believe its fear of dropping her and never finding another thin woman.

America went from weight gain ads to weight loss.

The media is powerful very powerful.

I don’t have cable at all and can see how people can view blacks so wrongly, the blacks in the media is thinking of their pockets only and those who see their behavior then view blacks as hey thats how we all are. Just like plus size women are the butts of all jokes….never the large size man. I mean I seen a dating ad and a guy label himself sporty when he was heavy and huge :/

The media says its ok to be a guy with a beer, but a women must be thin.  Men see the ads of thin women dressed revealing, high heels, always the desired one and this goes on for many many years to the point if a guy steps outside the box and gets with a plus size woman he is questioned by friends as if he is depressed!

The only thing that can beat a thin woman is a fit, very good looking guy. Not fit and butter face (women know when they see butter face, men seem to ignore it).

A fit, and good looking man who knows it will melt a thin woman quickly and tables are turned. She knows he can leave for another skinny without problems, it may drive her crazy to the unnatural extreme or hope this could be her husband! (why studies say to date and marry ugly men for a reason…)

The media is so powerful, the ads, billboards ect.

The only way girls as a whole will get larger and thin is not in….is if world wide we lack food, fast foods shut down, and everyone is a size zero to 6. Soon the sight of a plus size woman will be in, in ads, bill boards as young and older girls struggle to eat just one more slice of pie.  Run way models would have full cheeks, hips, and sexy walks in heels. The new extreme size is not a 20, but a 30.  No longer will size 0 be the cream of the crops of thinness.  Their will be talk shows of crying girls saying how they want to be larger, but can’t stop not eating as much as others. And just like a lone thin girl in whole foods instead guys will be rushing over to the plus size woman in the frozen section asking if she needs any help even though he doesn’t work there. There will be new diet plans on how to gain ten pounds in a week, or how our thyroids are making us thin.

So based on that plus size will never be in as main stream.

My aim is that I tell myself today if I can lose x amount of weight I can quit and work at hooters or some other male top place with my padded bra (yes hooter girls do this I found out) and spanx.

Some thin girls have legs to me that belong to a teen.  Im trying to see what guys are seeing. Lucky I appear to be texting.

Some thin girls have the faces of fat girls, but thin bodies, no body is perfect at all.

Guys see the mainstream media ideal.

 

People claim the media has nothing to do with it, but its how I got started:

I never understood why the boys in 5th grade just tolerated me…I was annoying, one chased me until we were both tired and made up when we both saw we had failing report cards. I had three boys who liked me at once. I felt ok telling the popular guy of the class room I wanted him to be my boyfriend breaking the heart of one the most who liked me.  I thought this was normal and that all guys should be happy I was around, I love to play, make jokes and was active playing ball or getting in trouble for stepping on a worm that later becomes a butterfly…yes I was in time out during play time too. 5th grade was a happy grade when not very fat.

Middle school hit and all this change, and dealing with my ex step dad who stole our home, moved his mistress in we had no money to fight him ….drama and awful stuff and I got bigger…and bigger. Yes I had binges in the past when step dad at the time was near who called me a pig for drinking the last cup of water…I sure would love to be a water drinking pig today!

Time went by and the bigger I got the guys who spoke slang, pants hanging were the ones checking me out, then that one rare guy who had more ex girlfriends then I felt he should have for his age…me zero ex or boyfriend.

At 18, I became magazine happy. I had tubs of magazines. I had so much I placed them in bins to hide away. Magazines of these thin women took me in. I never liked the the phat body, or the idea of being called thick, but these swan like women with gentle bodies that deserved love, and someone to save them, and their undying beauty took me. I found both black and white models and soon they were on my wall. I guess I became a little obsessed. I made sure not to place the butter face models on my wall because I didn’t want to have to see their faces daily like that.

Some years later I been told I was the perfect girl, but fat. Or if I was a size zero he would take care of me …yes from men.

It never ended and I did cry. Its like if I wasn’t fat I could of had that job or that other one or that great guy or his brother instead.

Each year I got older was another dateless year another year alone and made me bitter and pretty much hated men.

I then thought that well I want this type of guy not that one, so a guy has a right to want that skinny butter fact size 2 but not the pretty face size 4. We all have choices.

I swear I never be fat again.

 

My aim is to be smaller then my ex assistant watermelon chicken joke cracking self, be smaller then any black girl they have ever seen for my height. I want people mouths to drop. I feel being thin will make people focus on that not anything else. Plus I can land a great guy and a better job, and perfect fashion. My dream will come true! Yes I watched Disney growing up.