Archive for the ‘compassion’ Category

It’s like you want to be white, but yet your pro black….you confuse me. (Friendship finally over 3 months and counting…and one more to go.

July 19, 2016

I’m a very forgiving person. A understanding person who over looks flaws of others….because I am flawed. It’s rare, but sometimes I wake up happy to be in a world that is full of different races. Sometimes I wake up loving that I was born a black girl. These feelings could come from last nights sugar  high or simply just a rare feeling of amazement that I exist in a diverse world.

These days I try to explain to …extreme christian title holders (aka those who are not christian, but say so out of habit and tradition) that yes blacks are getting killed….but this been happening. Technology is only a reminder. Just like innocent children who are raped and killed….this is not new it’s just technology is helping us solve murders and media exposing it world wide. We are not in the end times…nothing is new under the sun. I try to ignore those who go into the whole these are the end of times….yawn….stop trying to have people live in fear.

This girl I mentioned in the past on my blog. She is only a year older then me. She was a black girl like me. I was staying with a friend of mines who is white (long story) anyway I met this girl due to her doing my hair. I recall this was watching…I knew it was more out of how we do our hair type of curiosity. Any way the first red flag was when she was doing my hair. She said when I’m done your going to have white girl pretty girl hair…..my mind said WTF, the friend laughed on the side. I can still hear the laugh now..and this was nearly six years ago. So we stayed in touch and I even told her later on I didn’t like her comment. She said nothing Plus the hair wouldn’t be exactly white girl pretty since it didn’t feel like a white girls hair…trust me I know. When I wear my hair in the past and a white woman wanted to touch my hair I have reached over to touch their hair too, so were equal…which usually has ended in fear of looking like two lesbians about to be in the heat of passion.

As time went on one day she said….I’m shock you don’t have a lot of white friends….she said it like hi, how are you? I was speechless…but let it go. To be honest my friends in my home state were usually black foreign girls and Cuban and there was one black American girl who I cherished. I had two Haitian girlfriends, two Cubans girlfriends,one Jamaican, and one black American (All really American, but to explain it better). They all had one thing in common….they were sane……they accepted me for who I was….I could share my secrets to them, they didn’t raise their voice just because, and none tried to get me inside a church. I was open to anyone as long as they were decent people.

Then one day she called me bougie. I remember going online for the meaning, but I knew I was to be insulted. I called my grandmother and she told me she was called that too. I called her to question what does she really mean??? She then says well it’s like your a white girl…I said HOW?! My dna no matter what says black. I look black too.

I lost it trying to explain to her that blacks are diverse. Just because I didn’t want to take her advice and have sex with black men I never met or know of…plus I have standards. A guy sexing me would be so low of me. I told her she makes me feel like I’m a animal. Like my issue is finding sex. Thats easy if you want nothing like a relationship and gross!!!!! She would over the years say you need sex maybe then youll be normal…drink heavy like her and has a actual pimp for a boyfriend I guess is normal.

Then tried twice to set me on a blind date with drug dealers …. man.

I tolerated her outbursts. She would yell and get loud…why? I said why do you get so angry so fast?! I feel since black women have to man up…..were out there striking…when we shouldn’t, taking on male roles by force I tried to explain to her I think thats why some like her get angry so fast. Her response…..just silence.

I then avoided seeing her for a year and she kept saying I’m avoiding her. And she don’t know why. I told her fine, but every time I’m with you…your rude, you know I walk slow and you out walk me, get a attitude that I can’t keep up, had total strangers laughing at us. She then says I promise I won’t be like that. She was sounding all…gentle and kind.

I felt without meeting her other friends she treated them differently compared to me.  I told her this. She said she see’s me more of a sister. I mean me and her fell out and she would come back and I would force myself to take her back. Thinking of the few decent moments we had and I would try to forget things. I told her I’m bigger then last time so…she said it’s ok, plus her other two friends are with their boyfriends and don’t have time to be with her on her bday.

She complained how they want to be with their man..I said thats normal :/ I mean it’s not their fault there not dating a pimp slash what not. I warned her again about my size. She said ok….soon as she picked me up she looked me up and down. At the restaurant she looked under the table and said my thighs look bigger and she had this wide smile on her face. When I wanted to order another slice of cheese cake  in front of the waitress told me no. We went back and forth …like I was a child.

Then too many times she waited until we got in public like in line at the store…I’m saying hi to the cashier…she then says over and over SHUT UP, SHUT UP…she enjoyed getting me mad I noticed. And embarrassed me for her enjoyment.

The final straw…………..the final fucking straw!

We were talking about the deaths at the hands of cops….I also told her we need cops. I said it’s sad that a few bad cops now makes the face of all cops when it’s not true.

We then talked about famous people and the dreaded over rated Kim k, then men and careers and fashion, and then I told her……………..I told her ………….I like this fairy music on youtube. How listening to it relaxes my mind and takes me to another place within my mind. One even brought me to tears it was so beautiful…the tunes. It’s only tunes.

This is one of my favorites:

 

I don’t know why I like it, but my mind loves it. They have other music from around the world I haven’t gotten to yet. I didn’t know as I said this she was online looking it up. Next min she said wow this really exists…you don’t hide your thoughts and who you are…I said thank you?

I mean I shared other youtube things I like in the past and we were free talking.

Then she said it…she said it. She said it’s like you want to be a white girl, but then you’re pro black. I said what did you say?!  She then says NOTHING. I mean she forgot I like R&B and oldies….likely remember me listening to Britney spears only, forget that I listen to Nicki Minji…ignoring all the dirty things she say such as nappy headed hoes in her older music, she even put me down in the past for liking old school music from Mary J, Aaliyah, TLC ect.  Yet this music was crossing white girl land. Deep down if I could not like this music to please the hidden black requirements I would.  I like rock like Linkin Park oldies, Korn oldies………I just like all music just not country.

I then tried to let it go as she got loud saying I didn’t say that!!!

The next day she denied it. Like it was in my head I heard her say that. I was done….a month pass she called…I ignored returning any of her calls…which is easy since I like to  text to be honest. She then text, so your still ignoring me? I text back yes and were not friends anymore. She says your going to throw away 6 years??? I said I should of thrown it away years ago. Your not a friend. I need a friend who will let me be….me….just me.

I told her my dna won’t change and I will be black till the day I die. I told her its a shame that if I enjoyed popeyes daily, had six kids with no father in sight …she would never judge me. Or if I had a drug dealer for a boyfriend that would be me being real back. I told her it’s like everything neg is black in your eyes…she then gets angry and textes me your accusing me of being racist to  my own race?! I said YES. She then texts get the hell off my line!!! I said ok…

Another month pass…she texts…hi. I text hi were not friends.

It was hard….I hate leaving people, but I had to.

I felt such freedom after.

This one is in her early 50’s. She has some good and then….as time goes on it seems she gets angry faster. Like rapid. She got mad at me and loud on the phone because I asked her why does she want to call a college and demand to speak to the Dean to let her skip testing?? She went off to the point I went ahead and hung up on her. My first thought was why don’t she tell a COLLEGE dean to let her skip testing because it’s hard. I am powerless and only a student myself :/ so before I hung up I recall her last words were don’t call me again! I thought thats easy….again I like to text so….this is a treat for me.

When she gives me advice such as quit my job….do this and that and when I say thats not a good idea she gets loud on the phone. I’m like wow and usually just sit the phone down and watch tv. Shes the type of black woman who would be rich helping the media say were all this way when we all know thats not true.

Black women should be allowed to cry, laugh, be angry (when it makes sense), be tired, or bored. I mean today she said my memory is real bad (she use to deep down assume I’m slow….yup I’m not the one a single parent who now works several low paying jobs…I’m the slow one. Just because I told her I wasn’t angry 4 years ago :/ . I went to apply for a job and they weren’t hiring. I recall being disappointed ….I don’t get angry fast. Usually I’m sad or just disappointed. She then gets loud as if I will say yes your right….and I see why she pretty much no longer have friends. She then gets mad and says forget it were done talking about it…I then say…she cuts me off WERE DONE.

I allowed her several times like the other girl to get mad at me…claim there leaving only to return. Very soon she’ll be out too.

I have a friend who moved. She doesn’t judge me, don’t care what I do,when we talk our voices stay the same…no raising high. Her emotions are normal like anyone else. When we have disagreements we may talk/text fast, but our voices/cap lock not on is the pretty much the same. I can call her now and say I wish this is longer vs only 2 minutes:

 

She will only say that sounds pretty good and it should be. I can say well I don’t remember feeling that way she won’t get loud and say my memory is bad.

 

Anyway when someone asked me…is that really your friend? I was …..weak and said a hard yes. I know this isn’t my friend. And this is someone I don’t plan to stay in touch with either.

We got into a heated argument last week over this guy…

He was killed by a cop recently which made many angry. I told her well…the way he died was bad, but he wasn’t a great guy either. She said well he didn’t deserve to die like that!!!!

He got a 14 year old girl pregnant when he was 20 years old, for years he sold CDS outside, I wondered how his family said he was a great guy………..yet he was living in a shelter…not with his woman and kids.

Alton Sterling Arrest Record, Criminal History & Rap Sheet [DOCUMENTS]

No one should die like that yes, but I was saying he wasn’t a great guy and she got mad.

The guy who was shot live on facebook was a great guy, then the cops recently were decent too. They were great people taken too soon.

Can’t wait to move on….

 

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Asian girls, being ignored in class/college due to my size…it’s so blunt,my black friend

April 6, 2016

Picture it….April 5th 2016 11:11am. Iv’e seen plus size Asian girls, and the expected skinny Asian girls. Currently I’m in college. Yes my bad grammar and all. I go to school down town. Lots of traffic, so many people. I’m waiting for the sign to give the ok to cross the street. I’m already 11 minutes late so far. I notice this 20 something very skinny, clear skinned Asian girl lost in her own mind as we all wait. I was thinking just think if I was that skinny…the fashion that I could wear, the person I could be. life wouldn’t be perfect, but at least I wouldn’t be so alone with the worse men wanting my number for banging sessions. Anyway the light finally gave us the go to cross the street. I noticed a cute guy on the other side of the street…..and I thought….no…no not another skinny girl winning moment!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And away she went right into his arms. Both smiling at each other and both kinda glanced at me and I glanced away. I let them continue their movie like romance. Then last week a Korean couple both in their 20’s. Enjoying each others company on the train. Laughter, happiness, and him being goofy to make her smile. Meanwhile I’m behind them wishing my ride would just end already.

Asian women are free to be cute without judgement or sexy. As a black girl I have to be serious at all times or something is wrong with me. On my campus Asian girls/women are having so many skinny moments it’s insane. I think to myself why can’t they join the fat and curvy moment like these ads Iv’e seen recently??? I found a small clip of large sized Asian women embracing themselves, but their culture won’t really push them to the front like that.

I use to know a really sweet Asian girl…her hair dyed blonde, super skinny, and dark eyes. She didn’t have her race preaching to her about self hate, or tell her thick is in, she was free and today married with child.

Someday I’ll have my day too….

————————————————————————–

 

I’m sick of it. I AM SICK OF IT.

I wanted to wave hey I’m alive!! Lets talk. I’m real notice me. I felt my inner child wanting to beg for attention. I’m so glad class is almost over. I can’t wait to never have to see no one faces ever again. I swear yes I SWEAR once I get back on track and I’m thin I WILL IGNORE them as well. I will talk to someone else and have them standing there like the idiot they made me feel like.

I went up to the professor. A educated African man. A proud family man. Not the usual African men who I encounter who openly say they just want sex with me. It’s not just black men from America, but foreign black men too. And usually I never get any educated men or men that would spark your interest. I had a question. I went up to him you know my professor who is here for ALL his students.

As soon as I opened my doubled chinned mouth, with large upper arms at my side. Soon as I opened my mouth with a question about our upcoming quiz. A size 2 looking black girl with black and brown extensions down the mid of her very tiny waist, approached and the professor turned to her and I was STANDING right in front of them both. I was invisible. I stood there large and shocked.  She laughed and he laughed and I really don’t recall what was said. I just remember she was one of those skinny black girls, the girls I avoided going out with. I knew I would increase their looks even further.  I just stood there and felt my face get hot. If pale in tone my whole face would be red. I tried to speak….I just simply walked away.

Then I saw this black guy and white guy talking together. I remember they told me they plan on doing a study group together. I was even kinda invited last week, but was too tired to show up. So I walked over to them,both equally good looking and both have goals. I cleared my throat and said…excuse me……excuse me???

White guy: Oh yea???

Black guy (looks over at me)

Me: In my head (Oh shit they notice me)

Me: When is the next study group???

White guy: Today at _____pm.

Me: Ok maybe I’ll be down there. And did you go last time (looking over at black guy)

Black guy: No. I was too tired. Had to work.

Me: I understand and…

White guy: (looks over at black guy) so….blah blah blah

Black guy: (looks at white guy) ….blah blah blah

Me: (thinking) omg not again!

I just stood there. Time seemed to freeze over. I looked around…it was just be standing there.

This reminds me when a co-worker invited me to her beach party. She was Spaniard and so were the other guests. Everyone was from Spain in a nutshell. I was 20-21 of age. I sat alone in party and my only comfort was well I’m black and maybe the rest of the guests weren’t fond of blacks. Next min I noticed a dark skin, slim girl having this sexy ass guy from Spain hitting on her as she blushed and gently pretended she didn’t want his advances next minute I just walked out and left!

I had already had 5 cups of punch that night and was the only one alone near the snacks.

Part of me wanted to cry as I exited the class room. I just felt numb. I waited for the elevator

 

I got in trying to forget. Trying to move on. I was in the elevator with a petite brown skinned Asian/India girl. I made small talk and ask…are you in my class too? She smiled and said yes! I don’t know most of the students in my class, but some have noticed me. I said so…how are you doing in class? She said I’m doing fine. I said …good …good. The elevator stopped and open bringing in this brown skinned Asian/India very fit cute guy in. I saw her blush and looked away from him pretending not to look. He noticed her. Next minute a black girl girl with her diverse race of friends walked in….all of a sudden were all on the topic of fricken  yogurt and how they feel fat…none were fat all were slim. I was in a crowded elevator with skinny girls talking about yogurt, and a guy lusting after a slim short India girl. My fat self was pushed to the back watching it all unfold.

Next minute a slim white girl got aboard…..I couldn’t take it. I pressed the next upcoming floor and told everyone I need to get out! I found myself waiting for another elevator. Luckily I got to ride the rest of the way down alone.

———————————————————————

I give people many chances. I try to forgive and move on. I was called slow by this black girl. Why? Because she felt how I reacted to things were not normal. I rather talk things out and even debate, but I hate cursing I rather not to be honest. I always tell others I don’t care if you do.  She has her positives, but how she reacts is every reality tv’s wet dreams.

She can go from zero to 100 in seconds and had the nerve to say I forgot that your sensitive. I said no your too aggressive. I even said you know how the world stereotypes black girls why do you have to live up to it? Then she said see your talking about me…at this time we were texting because I refuse to answer her calls and I told her I like to text anyway. Calls kinda makes me feel trapped sometimes.

I told her through text that honestly she makes me nervous sometimes. It’s like saying the wrong thing or opinion will set things off. I told her I try to ignore her, but today was her worse.

I notice she dates certain type of men. Men who are all about that…life? She starts sounding like the men too, how they talk, when angry she goes into hood accent mode and I point it out and she can’t tell. She said something to me rude…and I told her he has called you that and now your calling me that…now part of your vocab.

She was shocked and said yes he has. I said then if I’m your friend why would you call me that? Over the years I got her to stop calling me her bitch. I don’t care what people call each other on tv. I’m no nigga nor is your man or yourself, and I’m not a bitch as a word of friendship :/

I find it strange women are calling each other bitch as common as the word…hi.

Anyway. It all started with me on the phone with her asking for a favor.

I ask her could she sign a paper for me so I can renew my cna license. She said…

Her: And what else is on that paper???

Me: I said nothing. I just need you to sign so I can renew my license.

Her: What the hell do I need to sign???

Me: (thinking..ok wow)… I need you to sign so I can renew it. And in the comment section just say I helped you out.

Her: (starts to yell now) (my name here) WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT ME TO SIGN. I DON’T JUST SIGN ANYTHING. MY NAME NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO WHAT I’M SAYING DAM…

Me: (click) I hung up the phone. Even cutting it off for a few minutes. I felt myself wanting to cry. I curled up in a ball already having to deal with school earlier watching skinny women enjoy attention and get noticed. Then this hot mess.

When I cut my phone back on I saw she had text I’m sorry. I told her she is wrong for all that and how she has no balance on how she reacts to things. Yelling at me and cursing me out was not the right reaction. She then texts you want me to lie though….I text back when have you been about being honest. She called twice and I was still shaken up. I told her I’m too uncomfortable to talk to her and that I’m human. You texting sorry five different times won’t take the moment back. I told her honestly you hurt me. She then gets mad and texts fine don’t talk to me!

I then text someone I haven’t called in months if she could…she said no problem.

I had another moment with a black pal of mines two days ago. And we said some words which ended me in saying I won’t talk every again. I’ll just let you talk and I’ll listen I just won’t say a word…she lost three other friends within two months and don’t see it’s her is the problem.

I have two good black friends one would be perfect like super perfect if she stop slipping up calling me a bitch…work in progress.

One great white friend…I love her she has helped me a lot in so many ways I could never repay her for.

And recently met a lady (biracial) who I think would be a good friend. She is so caring ect. I made sure to hint I have nothing against her white side. And now we talk openly about race and politics and the economy.  And we have been texting on and off.

Of course I know some wonderful people long distance wise too.

The people that are not good for me tend to try and keep in touch with me. I even plan on letting them go, but they come back. I then just don’t have the heart to break them off because I think of the good times too.

 

I’m going to go to bed. Life is tough and I feel my size these rude women feel they can take over me or something.

 

 

Lacking compassion with self….and learning to have more understanding, compassion,and patience with self.

February 16, 2015

Working as a cna/aide is one of the worst jobs to be trapped in. Residents wanting you to drop everything for them (when your clearly busy helping another), I tried to clean someone whose poop was so bad (due to his meds) it was so strong I threw up clear nothing (since I thankfully haven’t eaten yet). You have very few nice ones, but many makes you not want to care for another soul again. Five days ago a resident in his 40’s, with his mind right, just disabled….(slightly changes subject) I try to be nice to all, I even buy (on the very rare) candy to the residents, I try to listen about their lives growing up as they lay in their beds with snacks, but there is never no time to listen let alone a proper break. Well five days go this resident cursed me out, dumb ass this, fucker, fuck you, and followed me…when it was time for me to go home. Like I mentioned before I cried all day into the next day. The don ect. expect me to work with that monster. He did say sorry and can we be friends? I was shocked and thought he lost his mind. So you want this mother fucker, dumb ass,ect to be friends with you :/

Being talked down like that crushed me badly. I felt awful for days. I went outside and out of no where I was blinded by my own tears. I could see, but my eyes were full of water. I felt the urge to cry randomly for days. I requested time off from work. I knew they would grant it to me after how I was treated and no nurse stopped it. Nine days off from a job I been trying to escape from. I was going to see my family. My mom was the one who told me to take time off to visit.

Thats when things got worse.

I have a payday loan out. I needed 30 dollars. With payday loans min you can take out is 100…so I had to. Food/bus transportation. I don’t make a lot of money. I need money. I can’t afford a car, and it seems I owe the world. And taking time off I will miss five days worth of pay. The round trip is 168 dollars. My mom said I need to pay 60 of it. Problem is my cell phone bill, pay day loan,I’m paid semi monthly, and taking time off is already me paying over 60 as it is. Another thing is I don’t live with family (im in another state) , my adult sister lives with my mom and doesn’t work, eats there free, cable, has her own room, mom treats her out to movies and fast food and restaurants. All that adds up…so to me why can’t she pay the whole ticket? When I said I’m about to lose my place my family sent no funds, no help, zero.  My sister gets way more then me always.

I told her everything about how I need help,  and by visiting I’m taking a risk financially as it is. She then said well you got cats (its cheap to feed cats) and they cost money. And if you managed your money right…and she went on and on. Putting me down when I do that pretty well on my own….so there goes my family visit trip.

1) Rude resident who cursed me out.

2) My mom putting me down and as always my sister gets it all. Not long ago they had steak with potatoes. I would love to afford some steak at a decent restaurant or even store bought.

So I decide to call my aunt. BIG mistake. She blamed me. Said thats why no one likes to talk to me, and no one wants to be bothered with me, I told her shes wrong and since she is a therapist with a PHD (who helps students at a university) how could she talk to me like this? I wanted to know how does she talk to her clients??? She said see thats your problem your trying to be cute. I said no I want to know. She said your not my client and never will be my client , I’m your aunt!

She went on and on and as soon as I try to get a word in she says see thats your problem you don’t listen!

She then says SHUT UP,SHUT UP,SHUT UP,SHUT UP. I was shocked. I told her as she kept saying this. I never told another human to shut up, and that I have more class then that to do so. She then says over and over…IM HANGING UP,IM HANGING UP,IM HANGING UP. I beat her to it and CLICKED. I did so before she did.

My aunt the therapist with a PHD in psychology made me feel even worse. When I shared my life to someone she said shes amazed I haven’t killed myself yet. I told her the thought to do so was strong in the past, but I always think if I do so……..then I no longer have a voice. Those who made me feel my worst, made me feel like shit will speak for me. Likely saying how I had so many problems aka never putting the blame on themselves.

I come from a family who some are educated, some are not.

They see no flaws in themselves…such as leaving teenage me stranded outside 12am in the morning as men passed by slowly trying to get me in their cars…but drove in darkness to find my sister who was hanging out with the wrong crowd. They say I can’t get over things (I won’t forget), and how the men my family get with ruined not only my childhood, but some other things too.

1)Resident cursing me out

2)Not visiting family and mom putting me down to prove a point

3)Aunt letting me know that no one wants to even talk to me

All happened within 4 days. It was too much. I was angry, crying, and just very hurt. I hate them I said to myself. Why do I have to have this family!??!? Its backwards. My younger sister is given a car, but not me. Nothing makes any sense. Favorites are a huge thing in this family.

I have already gone through enough past and present. My life seems to be going nowhere. I need to return to school, but too costly to do so.

I was online just to be online. I read a article about how we talk to ourselves and we need to have compassion. Just like you would talk to a friend, why not talk to yourself the same way. You wouldn’t point out all your friends flaws and make them feel terrible.

I broke down so hard in tears. Typing this now in tears. I never got compassion from my family, and I never gave myself compassion either. Just like my family I only saw everything wrong with me. My education sucked growing up too. Teachers let me pass without me trying, my mom didn’t want to help me because I wasn’t  fast learner like my other sister. I was only good at reading. Grammar,and math I rank lowly (proof in my blog I know). I need math to get any education….so to be honest I can only go so far. I only know the worse of me. And nothing else. I did get a A in a college course…………only because the professor kept telling me I can do it, and kept saying positive things until I believed him. Once the class was over…not all professors are as encouraging.

I can’t get compassion from my family, nor will they ever see their mistakes and how their words hurt me. Even if I pretend to forget I will never let it go. I want to remember everything so when I get married without them knowing someday they can know why.

As of today I will try my best to have more compassion with self…

Yes I’m 27 with no degree, never had a boyfriend, in awful low paying job, with disorders over food, but its ok(Im trying to say its ok…)

My first goal (outside of continuing my weight loss)

Is to teach myself math.

Sadly to bring my skills from 5th grade to college…seems like something I shouldn’t even try, but I will have compassion and understanding that yes my past made me who I am today, but it doesn’t have to be my future.