Family calling me fat in too many ways…now I’m too fat to finally see my father.

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I finally went to Florida against my wishes. My mom would tell me nearly daily how sick she’s getting. I mean I haven’t seen her in a year. I wanted to see her, but I didn’t. My family needs each other for health reasons, so they now live under one roof. My grandmother’s house includes her mom, my mom , and two of my sisters. Everyone has their own room, so it works. I didn’t want to go for two reasons……

 

  1. Airline seats
  2. My family noticing how fat I gotten since last time

 

I felt pressured to come and guilt got to me. I mean my mom is not the greatest in health and my great grandma is very old.  Yet I know how my family could be, but the way my mom was talking it was like she could die any day now. To told my job I need time off. I had taken out a small loan to make this 9 day trip possible. I kept reminding myself I’m coming to see family and there likely to just be happy to see me again vs judging my size.  I thought what if something happens to my mom and I allowed my size to stop me?

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Costs:

300$ round trip

I then became concerned if I would fit the seats………

100$ upgrade to business seats.

100$ for carry on round trip…I mean I need to bring clothes and my tooth brush and other items.

1$ for a can of soda

TSA degrading pat downs…..free

I never spent so much money at once  besides my rent and what not. I wanted to cancel everything and stay home at that cost, but reminded myself for family….family don’t come with a price tag.


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I get to fort worth airport. Very few people were big like me. Majority of travelers were average size to thin. I felt so out of place….I stuck out in a sea of normal. I had a slight limp on top of everything else. I still cope with arthritis …something that can be fixed through a more wholesome diet.  I get to TSA…my pants go off even though I took everything out my pockets. My very …very obese self with a limp became a danger to the public. Two elderly giddy up like Texans accent and all told me to come on down. I was help up as the woman felt all over my lumpy fat thighs that set everything off. Finally released and proven not a threat. A woman approached me and told me how it looked so degrading and how she wished they let me go. It was like a freak show as others passed by and taking a glance. Watch the black fat girl get touched all below. I was angry….but I said for family.

 

The business size seats were nice. Not too big nor to small for my spread. Only a black guy was bigger then me onboard and it brought me comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. He likely had a two seater. I was nervous …planes make me nervous since 9/11.

It was nice not to take up someones space in mid air. When we finally landed I couldn’t wait to rest.

It started off rocky with my mom getting mad and kinda loud over the phone because she couldn’t find me. I was in departure area and not arrival. I left my glasses back in Texas, so everything was kinda blurry. I told my mom I didn’t come to be yelled at over a mistake. Lets move on and said I’m hanging up. Just never been into fusing long.

When she did find me. She smiled from the drivers seat. I hopped in and thought here I am in paradise….Florida. It was dark back and the drive smooth….

 

Lets fast forward……….Fast-Forward-Cover

I was there for nine days of hell…………….nine days I was counting down when I would come back to Texas to the safety of my apartment and my  cats who are animals who don’t understand their owner got bigger or smaller…they care less…

 

I LONGED TO BE IN A STATE I CARED LESS ABOUT!

Nine days reminded how ugly and fat I was………..

Great grandma……………… I stood there as she said oooo you gotten so big. Why you gotten so big?  You need longer shirts to cover you more. (The shirts I have are kinda sporty meaning they cover me, but don’t go down my butt, they would look great on a thin woman…as usual)

Aunt………..looks at me up and down….again up and down…..smiling, but it’s clear what shes thinking and my wonderful sick mother confirmed it out of random anger why she was staring at me.

Little sister……….your soooo fat, your too big, your big self.

my grandmother…………agrees with her mom that I gotten so big, are you going to eat that?

My mom………..your worrying about my health…look at you! I tried to remind her she was the one telling me of her problems and that’s the only reason why I came!!! I came out of fear and so called love for family!

I was called big in so many ways though vocal or simply being stared at.

My last day there…I couldn’t be more happier. I tell myself daily I’m fat and don’t need any help with that. It was so bad that strangers assumed I was homeless….I would stay outside for over 7 to 8 hours to get away from family. I smelled, had bugs on me that came out of nowhere from trees and what not. My surroundings were beautiful, but I was in hell. I ended up spending more time being outdoors then family.

 

 

A friend of mines was telling me she has some people in her family who are not doing well health wise, but they are adults. Shes in another state from family as well. She said her family understands that how can she help them by moving back home? Or if she can’t afford to visit them? She said unless they pay her ticket she won’t be going. She then said if I was to move back…I have nothing and likely be worse off stuck under their roof. She was right and I did allow my emotions and feelings of guilt to get me there…to be called fat for nine days. I wish I had her thinking then……..could of kept that money I can never get back , my mom has health problems, but shes not going to die tomorrow.

 

Before walking out the door on that last day…my grandmothers as a good bye I guess told me I need to buy clothes that cover me better. I said ok and just walked out to my moms car. We didn’t speak on the way to the airport. She said sorry and it wasn’t suppose to be that way. I was suppose to go to her appointments, we were suppose to have a good time. I get it I’m fat………..they could of thought it, but kept it to themselves. We really no longer talk these days as much.

Dad

To say the word dad……doesn’t feel right. I never had to because I never had one. A mom and a dad is something the lucky had and I didn’t. I had no other parent to run to when my mom was acting unpleasant. Fathers day was…just another day. I know I was his first child. After that Florida trip of hell…a couple of months later he was trying to find me. A small part of me wanted this really badly. Yet i’m almost 30 of age. His absence made me angry at a stranger I never knew.  I remember being 17 sitting outside, looking at the clouds waiting for myself to turn 18. I would day dream and sometimes this man, this hidden person would pop up in my mind. When fathers day came I wouldn’t know unless someone told me. I’m at lost for words as I type…….can’t stop crying now….been three decades …I didn’t have a father besides two rare visits at 16. Why couldn’t he come then? Try to be in my life then when I was even more willing? I’m almost 30……..

 

I was on the phone with his friend. I told him of course I want to see him, but I can’t. He said why?! He wants to be in your life??? I tried to explain what happened in Florida. He said well your dad is not trying to date you. I said nor was my mom and the rest of the family. I can’t let him see my so big. I never forgot what my mom told me and get this my mom was very fat then too, but I was bigger. 16 of age still couldn’t believe I met my real father. My mom tells me then that he said he couldn’t believe I was so big……that crushed me. I’m bigger now…..I can’t.

My mom now denies she ever said that. She said he never said that. I said you wouldn’t lie and I never forgot. When he do come since no one is taking me serious…maybe I’ll leave town temp? Or just work straight until he, my mom, and his friend leaves my apt. area.

 

Maybe if I wasn’t called fat for nine days straight……….

I just can’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 Responses to “Family calling me fat in too many ways…now I’m too fat to finally see my father.”

  1. Louis Says:

    Just wanted to say someone is reading this. You aren’t alone. I won’t pretend to know everything you are going through but I know pieces of it for sure. I wish you well and so much love and peace in your life. I hope you succeed with school. I think schooling is the only way to get out of the same cycle. I’ve taken loans to live off and pay for school so I could be a nurse and make more. I’ve tried lots of diets and pills even prescribed Phentermine from a diet doctor. It’s hard. But there are other things I know I don’t face because I am white. I am married. I have kids. But I was only semi skinny in white world when unmarried (150) and today I’m huge and know my husband wouldn’t have married me like this. But he is white. He stays. He works. He helps with the kids. And he patiently waits for me to loose this weight (215) so I know I’m lucky even if strangers find me fat. My dad called me heavy set. He thinks he was being nice.

    Anyway all that to say best of luck to you. Just try to make your own fate and block the hateful world out. I know it’s so hard. Lots of love.

  2. Lois Says:

    Also I’m no example or anything but I had a friend shell out some big bucks for a nutritionist and was surprised at the advice. It was a slow change which I know is hard. I want the fast 5 bites diet results but then I also fail. Anyway week one was eliminate any calorie drinks. Only diet sodas, water, black coffee or tea but otherwise eat as normal. Week 2 was cut out snacks and desserts. It eat whatever you want for your three meals and as much as you want. Week 3 was add a mile walk a day to what you have been doing in week one and two. Week 4 was swap out your breakfast for a protein bar like cliff body bars. My friend started drinking black coffee to fill up but lunch and dinner was whatever. Week 5 was breakfast a protein bar and one other meal was protein and veggies only but as much as you wanted. Cooked only in cooking spray and just salt / pepper to taste. So my friend would fry in cooking spray 3 chicken breasts and eat a bag of broccoli steamers with salt/ pepper. The last week I worked with her she was doing all of the above and limiting her third free meal to 700 calories or less which was ok. She would look up like fast food cAlories or whatever and eat her calorie allowance. I think it worked out to like 1350/1400 calories plus a mile of walking. She was losing slow and steady last I saw her. I think eventually that tribes meal would become a healthier choice but I quit my job.

  3. kyrie Says:

    hi I have been following your blog for a while but only now have worked up the courage to comment. I’m so very sorry to hear your trip didn’t go as you thought it would. To be reminded of something you are already self conscious about really does suck (though I am sure you realize this already).

    I would like to let you know that if you ever need a compassionate, non-judgmental woman to talk with, I am here. I have no problem making time to call you or listen to you vent. In some ways we are similar–although I can’t say I have been through everything you have been through. I do know this: you are incredibly strong and resilient even if you don’t feel like it at times.

  4. ebonnie Says:

    First thank you for responding and sorry for the late response. Also thank you for the kind words and I’ll keep that in mind in the future. I’m awful at keeping in touch with me. I’m pro text.

  5. ebonnie Says:

    Sorry for the late response. Going to read and type this as I go.
    Your friend paid for a nutritionist…you can guess I’m one of those people who feel I know it all already why pay? lol. That 5 bite diet is no joke…I would go over 5 bites as well. Yes I recently did that take away all calorie filled drinks. I loved how she did things a week at a time.

  6. ebonnie Says:

    I agree school is the only way. I’m very happy I’m reaching my goals education wise finally. Good for you I’m now pro student loans now lol. Nursing is far from easy. You can’t work many hours and think your going to get great marks. Its so hared. I tried it lol. Then changed my major! I heard great things about phentermine. It’s cousin next up in the diet world is Adderall. Yes, I study all cultures and thank you for being honest. In the white world at 150 thats a no no. In the black world still at the moment yes. Thankfully he is sticking around. Years ago …many don’t know, but behind the scenes it was me who created a yahoo account to put it out there that many men were encouraging each other to divorce their wives if she got fat. Some even uploaded pictures of when they married and where they are now. It made me so upset and when I showed it to others they became upset next min the site was removed, but likely moved else where. Heavy set as being nice…..ok. I get called big girl as a sweet saying…don’t people understand that those words are far from flattering?
    Thanks 🙂

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