So many updates and the weight war continues.

Fear of Birthdays.

This August Marks 30 years of age….and it scares me. More so because I haven’t lost the weight. I still remember being a 5th grader crushing on the dark brown skinned and green eyed Cuban boy…then the black Jamaican guy who was crushing on the super skinny black girl, and secretly liking the Italian boy who we both disliked each other, but when it was time for report cards and to show our mom’s our low grades…we bonded over letting them down.  I remember coloring and drawing as a form of escape for my troubles and later using food. I remember thinking if I see a adult woman cry…my young mind assumed they were being abused at home by their husbands. I recall being 16 and had many magazines of thin modals. Modals who sometimes look average and ugly, but were loved and praised based on being thin. I learned I could be ugly too, but considered beautiful if I’m slim. Time went by I then remember getting fatter and fatter…and any insults towards me would be about my weight. Depression aka extreme sadness…time slipped away. I never got my size 0-2 body …..and it still bothers me to the point I feel myself holding back tears. Being slim met the world to me…it met everything. Whats the point of continuing on if I’m not thin?

tumblr_m724uk8AnY1qabteho1_500 Not going to lie black men dressing in ladies attire…..pretending to be black women is funny, but damaging as well.  At some point of my teenage life…my late teens. I threw away all my magazines of thin women in ads with rib cages perfectly showing. I thought why would anything matter? I am black! I seen thin and fat women black women treated like trash by their men, so ….well..whats the point?  Plus I thought would I be beautiful if I was thin? The only time the media showed actual beautiful black women is when they were pale skinned to very light skin, but allowed all the fat dark and brown black women to come on through. I’m not part of a culture where the women can be feminine exactly… we have to play both roles sadly. Not part of a culture where the men use actual black women in their music videos….they use mixed, white, to very light Hispanics. Meanwhile white ,Asian, Latino music artists use their women…they may use another race on the rare(token), but won’t allow another race to take over their women’s spot. I grew up hearing it all. Also black women wear weaves……………I know someone who does hair and adds weave to all races of women hair, black women got attitudes…….next I hear a white chubby girl say” COME ON NIGGA” in public as he carried their mixed race child. Black women wear fake nails, fake hair……….but go insane over all races from Brazil (big on surgery enchantments) all the way somewhere in Europe. Let a black women get fake breasts, fake bum, fake everything and were trashed as a whole. I just wish these black men were more honest and instead of making endless list of why they dislike black women with a passion………just be honest and say we view non black women  based on (hair, and skin tone) more attractive and leave it at that.

So since I was a fat teen. On the bus, not doing well in school….and 18 around the corner. I have older pictures of me when I was very much lighter. I was actual a light skin person depending on the season, but due to being in the sun a lot…even to this day and even on purpose getting darker because finally slowly they started showing beautiful darker modals in the spot light. I decided to ease off the sun. I still went out, but the only difference was I drank lots of water, put on sun screen once a day, vitamin C from orange juice and a vitamin C and that was all…don’t believe me try it if you wish. Slowly and very slowly. I became back lighter, and lighter. Like Raven S. type of light. I was no longer Kerry Washington brown. I noticed black guys treating me differently even some assuming I was a Latina. Black men started asking me out like a gentleman and not like a wild ape in heat with zero morals. One even told me he makes x amount of money and plans on buying a house soon………I was like wow I mean usually black women are labeled gold diggers and we suck at gold digging to be honest most don’t even try. I was like this is how it feels….next min I stopped using sun screen (blacks should use it anyway, but it’s a great chore) stop taking vitamins, and went back to pepsi and mountain dews and now I’m back to being treated 3rd class at that time.  Then 4th class for self tanning just because. Sometimes I think back and wonder what if I told him yea I’m Latina …I could act anyway I want to and he would just say I’m spicy …not that I have a attitude. There is a Latin guy on youtube who speaks of the double standards black men do when it comes to black women. He even says black men are ready to wife up a Latin woman who is half nake, but  a black women can be half nake and she’s trashed and called all sorts of names.   It’s not non black women’s fault their men uplift them and ours uplift them too. They simply benefit from their men pushing their image in a positive light when we had the pine sol lady and black men pretending to be black women, but in a negative light.

I love being a black woman, but it’s tough when those who are apart of you can be against you.  Because of the things I witnessed and seen…I no longer judge those who tan or lighten their skin. Do what makes you happy. Yes there are some black men who do right by their race of women, but those are super rare. Nor do I have a problem with black men dating out, but it’s how they go about it.  Like my ex coworker now. Called white men pecker wood, honkie behind their backs, but never speaks ill of the pecker wood’s daughters and women in general…odd isn’t it. I get slavery did a number on blacks…generation to generation and no one got therapy for it. Yet that’s still no excuse to degrade black women…just for being born black.


I had to figure out self….and no longer view myself as part of a group, but maybe a shared culture. Slowly nearing the age of 30….learning to do what I want to do. Natural hair, weaves, whatever. I always been pro surgery any way,so that’s not a hard thing to get over. As a teen I met Vanessa…..and my whole outlook really changed.

I noticed something outside of lower income areas. Thin black girls were winning. They got the red carpet treatment, BUT from other races mainly. In black culture you can be fat or skinny and treated the same it seems. Non blacks…….being thin was a blessing and something to be proud of. Not only did it get you the cute date, better clothing selection, but nice jobs, better friends, people liked your pet if they liked you, it was like magical….from then on after seeing too much skinny privilege……..I vowed never to go out with thin girls. I have seen where experienced friendly fat white women got passed up for a promotion for the thin white women. The fat white woman would always be like….I don’t understand….when I over heard the boss reason why was because she was too big. Fat people don’t deserve promotions I guess. One thing to see a skinny white girl living the life you feel you deserve, wearing the clothes you can’t fit in, but to see a skinny black girl….was too much for me sometimes. Or Vanessa getting guys attention only to find out they wanted her to ask her friend out for them. Her friend was a thin Nigerian woman very…thin. She was highly popular. Thin women of all races don’t know their worth….when a thin woman gets with a dead beat that was her choice to stay. A fat woman will get losers across the board over and over.


Due to being in school on and off for 8-9 years….thanks to working and trying to study for classes…I would end up dropping out a lot. Finally….I’ll be done with a general degree next year and can finally move on to university. With a general degree I hope to land a job that pays over 15 dollars a hour.


Right now…….

  1. I went to the dentist for the first time in over 10 years. Paid out of pocket to find 3 cavities, a rotting tooth (root canal). After root canal …..I’ll finally work towards a 5th grade fantasy of finally getting braces like my classmates did. I always wanted straight teeth and to find out that braces can fix my overbite is unreal. This all cost me near 1000$ just for dentist services ect. I got another job….just to fund my dental work and help with bills.
  2. I plan on working extra shifts to pay for driving lessons and no one will know I can drive. When I was trapped in blue and purple looking lightening going across the sky, caught in heavy rains, missed the last running bus at night after work….no one came to get me, no one ever offered to teach me how to drive….so I don’t want anyone depending on me. Wish I never accepted those two so called friendships…negative…all black girls don’t behave the same….yes I still watch cartoons, but I watch adult shows too mainly court tv, dna testing, 48 hours…and yes deep down I may watch some old school power puff girls…won’t be admitting that in public…you know black girls are not suppose to like that type of stuff. Sounds like anything fun. I’m back to wearing red lipstick after hearing a remark that it doesn’t look good on us.
  3. Thinking I still can’t believe I still have my two cats. Two cats, fat…oh no…future old maid?
  4. Hope to be out of debt someday….I want to travel over seas for affordable surgery just in case I end up having loose skin. American doctors too costly.
  5. Learning from my great grandma of a African cousin we use to have. How he coped after slavery….I wondered what happened to him, did he have any kids? What was his name? If he had kids where are they today? Explains the south African dna on my dna test then. Had a south African girl online tell me I shouldn’t have south African dna. I was like um…they didn’t just take west African slaves lol. I think the other stuff must come from my fathers side dna wise. I been curious about this African man….his history is forgotten. My highest percentage was black American, under somewhere south Africa (forgot location), then minor non black locations such as Italian, Arab, Spain…all were highly minor, but I hear people say dna testing is fake…… were my results fake? They say for blacks that they create dna tests that go back only to Africa and feel not all of us have dna from there….so confused. on that…moving on.
  6. Been looking into jello mono….


Have a lot to say, but been up since yesterday…so sleepy. Its 5:27am.

















One Response to “So many updates and the weight war continues.”

  1. Uk black girl Says:

    Glad you’re still writing. Good stuff. Maybe you should start hanging out with Thinner people. Well at least people who workout. I heard that you are the average of the 5 people you hang out with the most. So surround yourself with active people. Trust me. It’s a game changer when someone invites you to a salad bar to eat instead of a burger joint. Or says let’s go for hike and a picnic. (Personal experience ) can’t wait to read your next post .

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