Archive for May, 2017

Family calling me fat in too many ways…now I’m too fat to finally see my father.

May 18, 2017


I finally went to Florida against my wishes. My mom would tell me nearly daily how sick she’s getting. I mean I haven’t seen her in a year. I wanted to see her, but I didn’t. My family needs each other for health reasons, so they now live under one roof. My grandmother’s house includes her mom, my mom , and two of my sisters. Everyone has their own room, so it works. I didn’t want to go for two reasons……


  1. Airline seats
  2. My family noticing how fat I gotten since last time


I felt pressured to come and guilt got to me. I mean my mom is not the greatest in health and my great grandma is very old.  Yet I know how my family could be, but the way my mom was talking it was like she could die any day now. To told my job I need time off. I had taken out a small loan to make this 9 day trip possible. I kept reminding myself I’m coming to see family and there likely to just be happy to see me again vs judging my size.  I thought what if something happens to my mom and I allowed my size to stop me?




300$ round trip

I then became concerned if I would fit the seats………

100$ upgrade to business seats.

100$ for carry on round trip…I mean I need to bring clothes and my tooth brush and other items.

1$ for a can of soda

TSA degrading pat downs…

I never spent so much money at once  besides my rent and what not. I wanted to cancel everything and stay home at that cost, but reminded myself for family….family don’t come with a price tag.


I get to fort worth airport. Very few people were big like me. Majority of travelers were average size to thin. I felt so out of place….I stuck out in a sea of normal. I had a slight limp on top of everything else. I still cope with arthritis …something that can be fixed through a more wholesome diet.  I get to TSA…my pants go off even though I took everything out my pockets. My very …very obese self with a limp became a danger to the public. Two elderly giddy up like Texans accent and all told me to come on down. I was help up as the woman felt all over my lumpy fat thighs that set everything off. Finally released and proven not a threat. A woman approached me and told me how it looked so degrading and how she wished they let me go. It was like a freak show as others passed by and taking a glance. Watch the black fat girl get touched all below. I was angry….but I said for family.


The business size seats were nice. Not too big nor to small for my spread. Only a black guy was bigger then me onboard and it brought me comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. He likely had a two seater. I was nervous …planes make me nervous since 9/11.

It was nice not to take up someones space in mid air. When we finally landed I couldn’t wait to rest.

It started off rocky with my mom getting mad and kinda loud over the phone because she couldn’t find me. I was in departure area and not arrival. I left my glasses back in Texas, so everything was kinda blurry. I told my mom I didn’t come to be yelled at over a mistake. Lets move on and said I’m hanging up. Just never been into fusing long.

When she did find me. She smiled from the drivers seat. I hopped in and thought here I am in paradise….Florida. It was dark back and the drive smooth….


Lets fast forward……….Fast-Forward-Cover

I was there for nine days of hell…………….nine days I was counting down when I would come back to Texas to the safety of my apartment and my  cats who are animals who don’t understand their owner got bigger or smaller…they care less…



Nine days reminded how ugly and fat I was………..

Great grandma……………… I stood there as she said oooo you gotten so big. Why you gotten so big?  You need longer shirts to cover you more. (The shirts I have are kinda sporty meaning they cover me, but don’t go down my butt, they would look great on a thin woman…as usual)

Aunt………..looks at me up and down….again up and down…..smiling, but it’s clear what shes thinking and my wonderful sick mother confirmed it out of random anger why she was staring at me.

Little sister……….your soooo fat, your too big, your big self.

my grandmother…………agrees with her mom that I gotten so big, are you going to eat that?

My mom………..your worrying about my health…look at you! I tried to remind her she was the one telling me of her problems and that’s the only reason why I came!!! I came out of fear and so called love for family!

I was called big in so many ways though vocal or simply being stared at.

My last day there…I couldn’t be more happier. I tell myself daily I’m fat and don’t need any help with that. It was so bad that strangers assumed I was homeless….I would stay outside for over 7 to 8 hours to get away from family. I smelled, had bugs on me that came out of nowhere from trees and what not. My surroundings were beautiful, but I was in hell. I ended up spending more time being outdoors then family.



A friend of mines was telling me she has some people in her family who are not doing well health wise, but they are adults. Shes in another state from family as well. She said her family understands that how can she help them by moving back home? Or if she can’t afford to visit them? She said unless they pay her ticket she won’t be going. She then said if I was to move back…I have nothing and likely be worse off stuck under their roof. She was right and I did allow my emotions and feelings of guilt to get me there…to be called fat for nine days. I wish I had her thinking then……..could of kept that money I can never get back , my mom has health problems, but shes not going to die tomorrow.


Before walking out the door on that last day…my grandmothers as a good bye I guess told me I need to buy clothes that cover me better. I said ok and just walked out to my moms car. We didn’t speak on the way to the airport. She said sorry and it wasn’t suppose to be that way. I was suppose to go to her appointments, we were suppose to have a good time. I get it I’m fat………..they could of thought it, but kept it to themselves. We really no longer talk these days as much.


To say the word dad……doesn’t feel right. I never had to because I never had one. A mom and a dad is something the lucky had and I didn’t. I had no other parent to run to when my mom was acting unpleasant. Fathers day was…just another day. I know I was his first child. After that Florida trip of hell…a couple of months later he was trying to find me. A small part of me wanted this really badly. Yet i’m almost 30 of age. His absence made me angry at a stranger I never knew.  I remember being 17 sitting outside, looking at the clouds waiting for myself to turn 18. I would day dream and sometimes this man, this hidden person would pop up in my mind. When fathers day came I wouldn’t know unless someone told me. I’m at lost for words as I type…….can’t stop crying now….been three decades …I didn’t have a father besides two rare visits at 16. Why couldn’t he come then? Try to be in my life then when I was even more willing? I’m almost 30……..


I was on the phone with his friend. I told him of course I want to see him, but I can’t. He said why?! He wants to be in your life??? I tried to explain what happened in Florida. He said well your dad is not trying to date you. I said nor was my mom and the rest of the family. I can’t let him see my so big. I never forgot what my mom told me and get this my mom was very fat then too, but I was bigger. 16 of age still couldn’t believe I met my real father. My mom tells me then that he said he couldn’t believe I was so big……that crushed me. I’m bigger now…..I can’t.

My mom now denies she ever said that. She said he never said that. I said you wouldn’t lie and I never forgot. When he do come since no one is taking me serious…maybe I’ll leave town temp? Or just work straight until he, my mom, and his friend leaves my apt. area.


Maybe if I wasn’t called fat for nine days straight……….

I just can’t.









Shes In denial….(Post goes with the last one) Extreme reading….

May 18, 2017

She always have a habit of turning things around to me. Blaming me. Deep down I’m so angry that if they end up arresting her I no longer care. It’s almost tempting to find the court house where shes going to go against her, but it’s for the best I stay my distance…forever. Why shes going to court?


She met her kind. Tall, dark skin dude. Like some men they wait to tell you some extra news after you get attached to them. Together though they found out he got some woman pregnant….she stayed. He was staying over at his ex place because he had no place…she stayed. Then he told her one day after seeing that he has her…oh by the way I’m a pimp. I never met him thankfully (never wanted to meet any of the guys she dated) I thought she was joking. I didn’t know pimps still existed in this era. In the 70s you hear of pimps, but now…no. She ended up staying…when I thought she left him. I find out later they were on and off. She had a nice job as a manager of a retail store, degreed, life was simple for her besides the pimp. She was one of those rare managers who were close to all her employees. One of her employees was a white girl who never told the truth about anything. She even made up her mom died…forgets ….next min her mom is dead again months later to skip out of work.

I guess she got too comfortable with her employees….even loaned money to one and I known her for years and couldn’t get a dime when I needed money. Two of her other employees also white and I guess she told all her stuff about her man because they were looking for a sugar daddy, so they can get breasts jobs and other stuff. Skipping some details…..they met with her and were put off by his offer to sleep with the product before helping….and likely told the girl who loves to lie what happened.

Promotion time and the girl who lies assumed she got the position since she saw them as co-buddies. She picked the person who had the skills for the job. I knew her and she never help me get a job in there saying I lacked fashion and blah blah  to even work as their stock person. Some friend. Mean while other managers hired their friends with no skills what so ever,

The girl who lies went to management…and lied and claim that she tried to force her to be a hooker! Ever since then for about 3 years not only was she arrested, but still fighting this. In a way it is her fault for even bringing up her on and off boyfriend to the two aspiring sugar babies…who then shared their experience to a co-worker who used it against their manager…her.

I had promised that I would speak for her in court. I felt, so bad for her. I mean why date a man like that. Soon as you heard what he do try to ease out the relationship and safely. Her family can’t make it to court due to family actives. I would of been the only one there to speak for her. Ignoring all the insults she said to me. I blame myself for giving her a 3rd chance. Thinking time would make a person change, but it didn’t.

Today’s a new day…it’s 3:38am right now.  Three  days ago I went outside for my ubereats delivery…yes a deep chocolate brownie with marshmallows. Something I didn’t need. I rushed out with my sweater covering my hair…takes forever to fix natural hair just right, black sweat pants and a large red shirt. I forgot to bring my phone, so I can buzz myself back in.

My mind was on sweets. I thought I deserve it. Every bite of it. The man was in a white old car, large and heavy like me with glasses. He handed me my treat from his window. When I turned around the sliding doors shut…and I was locked out.


All of a sudden a stranger approached me….said my name in a soft , but careful matter….

I was like was this a former co-worker who happens to live here!?

I was happy because they likely had the card to allow us back in our apartments.

Walked out of the shadows was a plus size, very round faced…….it was her at 10:09pm. I was shocked and full of anger. I told her to get away from me! She said can we talk?? I said no!  She said ok…and drove off. She no longer the skinny black girl…I mean I didn’t know it was her at first.  We been through this so many times……….I’m sorry… min BITCH….I’m really sorry…..well you say things too!!! ….I’m sorry…gets old and I blame myself for giving her another chance!!! I blocked her number days ago.


I finally checked my e-mail and she had wrote this:

Since you aren’t answering my texts I guess I can just talk to myself maybe you’ll read it…. I had a horrible day yesterday and today too accidentally gave away $40 my ankles were severely swollen my skin flared very bad also had some not so good news about court case. Anyways I know you are mad but you said you’d speak for me at trial I was just wondering if you’d still do that if so I have an affidavit from my lawyer if you can fill it out if not I understand. I didn’t mean to upset you and I guess that’s s bad trait of mine not thinking before I speak being depressed is horrible but I’m going to doctor tomorrow hopefully I get meds to help. I hope you know that i really think of you as a best friend you’re a good person to talk to at times I think I just say the wrong things if I hurt you I hope you know I’m very sorry.


Notice the above e-mail. “So I have AN affidavit from my lawyer” MEANING LIKE BEFORE IT’S JUST ME WHO WOULD BE SPEAKING. Not anyone else or her so called friends who likely say they are her friends,but won’t even show up for court…which makes me feel she views them as friends, but deep down they are not feeling the same and won’t say it. Also notice she admits she was wrong….does this a lot.



So I go ahead and send her a final e-mail. I met well, but she took it very wrong:



Before any of this happened you still were this way. I kept ignoring and ignoring…would say not to say those things, but you did so anyway. I don’t understand you and really don’t want to. I mean if your calling me names…ok…,but to bring some ones parent in it was crossing the line. When you get mad which takes only a few seconds…there is zero build up just instantly mad. I have textes where you get mad then say sorry I misread what you said…just instantly. And when you do get mad you use the most extreme words like I tried to kill someone in your family. I hate this had to happen and I just can’t anymore. I really valued our friendship, but maybe your just better off with the other people you know. Maybe you hold things in with them and let everything loose with me. I don’t know, but were just not a good match. I was fair and wanted a strangers opinion. I don’t delete text messages ….just a chore to do so. I had a stranger see how things build up. You do go too far. Everyone is different, but I can’t take that anymore. I’m happy I now have a dad and like before I care less how he looks …… To randomly call me a ho, and to get the fuck off your line. All three of my old phones have very old textes of you telling me off. I never talked about how your mom looks….I careless. Never thought to judge her…odd of me. I never told you to suck a dick and never called you a ho. Anything I have said was in defense….and I’m not that type of person. I like to walk away from things rather then be aggressive and go back and forth. I met bad people in Florida, but my friends never told me to suck a dick out of instant rage. The only people I feel comfortable with who can meet my family reminds me of me! Sadly I lost all my Floridian friends being in this state, but all three I know would know what to talk about with my family and what NOT to talk about, I wouldn’t have to worry about being degraded about in front of my family by a so called best friend.Â
Also you could of faked being on your best behavior…you know after I got back in touch with you the first two weeks were great…then you got comfortable…least fake it for this whole court stuff. THEN call me a ho, and tell me to suck a dick, and how my daddy got a big fat ass belly after.
I don’t want you to change who you are at the end. It’s kinda like a bad relationship. A guy can treat women like crap for years, but it’s that one woman he meets he decides to change for.
I may be like those women and your better off with someone else.
Fatty watty….so I called you chubby.
Go suck a dick…so I said kiss my ass.
None of this is normal. Real friends just don’t make their best friend uncomfortable.Â
I just wanted you to be happy. Predo would be just for fun. I thought if I could influence you just to go out with a guy (You have experience with dating and being in relationships….meaning if single you will long what you had….normal).
I never dated anyone! Well one guy kinda and I stopped the whole date. I felt he may rob my purse. I don’t long what I never had. Not just you many women out here in the lone state are single and told me they wish they had a relationship. They long what they had. The women who are in relationships a good relationship…are happier, more positive and love coming home to a man everyday. I wasn’t being mean and I seen some good looking Mexican guys (just don’t like how they as a group practice the whole bilingual only hiring) Just wanted you to be happy and you took it as a insult and a way to bash me through text. Without love, life is empty and a very lonely place. Even just for fun …thought it be healthy for you to go out then with just women only.
I already feel ugly enough and my existence alone is still shocking. I don’t need anymore help in putting me down. Ho and I never got to sleep with ONE person, but ok…
I understand you come from the typical Christian background, but AGAIN not as a insult. Maybe seek real help…real help. Nothing wrong with getting help. What makes you get so angry within seconds? What makes you say the most extreme things over petty to nothing? I learned a lot about myself in this state and I embrace I have adhd and sometimes I do have depression. I admit that. That’s why I’m seeking help this month and the next for it.
When you had the bag of chips just hanging out your purse and snapped at me, soooo badly. I remember walking way to cry. I remember wiping my tears fast so you wouldn’t see it. I was hungry and didn’t eat that whole day. I was like let me go next door for a bite to eat…you as usual too controlling NO….saw the chips and it was NO. Next minute months later your telling me how your brother ate at your place with his girlfriend FIRST then ya’ll went out…so cool for your brother to eat first and out. I asked you about that and somehow you changed the subject.
I distanced myself over something …have to look at old phone number 3 for why.
Then one night on the phone (you claim not to remember, but I do). You randomly say I confuse you. One minute I’m pro black and next I want to be a white girl. I had to distance then because after I hung up I cried myself to sleep because black kids bullied me for not acting in a negative way like them to prove my blackness.
What ever is going on mentally (again not as a insult, but as a real concern) I hope you get better someday. And if you do have kids just remember don’t be so quick to anger. Try to think it through first. Tell the person I don’t like that and say why. Learn to cherish the friends you do have and it’s ok to joke, tease whatever, but remember to have a limit. If you don’t people will make excuses why they can’t meet up with you. A past classmate has a son, a husband and came out of nowhere asking when I’m coming back so we can talk and hang out. Be that person people feel comfortable around, that you can joke with. Angry…take a deep breath and reflect.
After I sent that I thought was I wrong? Should I have not written anything back? And like my usual self…………..I’ll be honest…..did I over react? Was I right to be upset with her? She makes me feel like it was me who is wrong. Was I? When I ask people they say wow she sounds crazy stay far away…………are they saying that because they feel they have to agree with me? The most honest person I know said I need to stay away her mouth sounds real dirty. I’m just so….lost….
After I sent that e-mail. 12am something she sent this e-mail……….
(My name) you need to stop putting words in my mouth.  I wasn’t referring to your dad as being fat! It was a rhyme about you and it was just that a rhyme to match yours. I don’t know if you dad is fat or skinny so how could I say that. And as far as you being a Ho I know you haven’t slept with anyone once again it was a rhyme! So you say you’re done why are you emailing me? I get it you don’t want to be friends have I called you today? No last night was my last time trying. I say things to you in confidence and you use against me! Like I told you I didn’t like the bum looking Pedro but yet you still tell me to go out with him I asked you to stop! And you tell me I have mental issues that’s not a compliment!! You do that to me all the time constantly telling me what I am. Why do you think you can say whatever to people and it be ok??
(Shes lying…………she got a pic I had sent her of my father. If I never sent it she wouldn’t have anything to say….when she first got it she said wow he’s so black………..noticed the above email…she don’t know how he looks now, and who use ho as a everyday word….I feel something has always been mentally off…or something else? I got the texts of her saying wow he’s so black)  And she makes it as if I say whatever………….notice her first e-mail…like other texts she says sorry and how she don’t know why shes like this…now it’s my fault.

Then she sends another e-mail:


You said we’re not friends anymore ok great so this it. I’m really wish you the best but no more ok do not contact me I’m going through so much I don’t not need added stress please! My real true friends got my back please just go away.



I’m thinking….um…what or where true friends? I was the first person in her life on Earth to give her a bday gift. None of these so called friends ever did. I stopped when she got mad at me and said I gave her a cheap ass gift….I mean I was brokish.

If she goes to jail there will be no one to call her family, if not she will likely get probation and community service and a record. She claims if she gets a record it can be removed I forgot how.

I will not ever go back never ever neeeever.

I was suppose to type of something else, but feeling kinda better now. Just a toxic friendship that should of never started to began with.


Ending a so called friendship again…., having a dad, going back to my old self, mental and weight loss.

May 13, 2017

Shocking Conversation


I mentioned this friend in older posts….same friend calling me white for liking other music (even though I like some black artists as well). She became controlling over me, wanted to know where I was almost every hour, and get upset if I want to text. I love to text and low on the phone calls. I had to end the friendship for the 2nd time.  She would be normal until a waitress/waiter was there to take our order, or if the cashier was talking to me about what I owe…she would randomly say…shut up, shut, shut up…fast over and over of shut up being very rude to me. She wanted me to go with her to her state to visit her family…see she felt comfortable letting me visit her family, but I never felt the same with her. Nor did I ever go with her to her family….the idea of having to demand on her to ride back to this state from another …no. The long ride and back of her dirty mouth was too much to consider.

When I let her go I did cry. It was hard. I mean we use to joke, and even though she treated me  kind of badly in public I did miss her.  It was bittersweet. I loved not having her call me or text me asking what I’m doing every hour even 11pm at night…like sheesh, but I didn’t mind sharing.

Her: Wyd?

Me: Watching tv

Her: What are your watching?

Me: My 600 pound life

Her: Can you call?

Me: Well I want to watch this….

Her: Fine!

When she called and I didn’t answer she would get upset.

I let her go………..I got tired of crying sometimes over the things she said racially. Like my dna says I am black. No music can change that. I  got tired of her getting angry and telling me to suck a dick instantly if she got mad….just got tired of the semi mental abuse she was doing and then BLAME me for any negative behavior she showed. Then after it was always a heart felt sorry she would do that was actually…touching.


I then ended it. Each month passed I was proud of myself for ignoring her calls, I knew she was calling from other numbers on the rare. I was the greatest friend she ever had. Even though she knew others longer I was her favorite (her words). Six months passed and something in me wanted to give her a another chance. I felt a rare lonely. I know others, but …people I know..I understand my limit with everyone or I at least learn it.

I called…….the first ring she answered. She sounded shock and happy at the same time. Told me how I hurt her by ignoring her for so long. And how all her friends have a man in their lives and too busy for her…in the back of my mind I thought maybe you ran them away also…I mean they can’t give a day where you guys just hang out…hmm???

We caught up, we laughed, she said sorry again, I told her why I had to move on.,..she said wow I was that mean?

I remember lying to her just to hang up so I can eat. She patrolled my food like a hawk. If I want a bad food item…the urge is too strong to hear someone tell me know who just had pizza and a coke.

After 2 weeks the honey moon was over…………2 weeks ……..over.  She was back to her old self. Besides no longer being skinny and dealing with legal problems thanks to her ex…her fault too  in some ways. She is now chubby. How the mighty fall. She use to be one of those black girls who want to gain weight to be thick….and when they do gain…lol they end up trying to lose it!!! Weight gain doesn’t mean it will go to your butt and chest. There was a Hispanic man who has been after her. I told her she should give him a chance (He’s Mexican ….) and she took it as a insult. He works, clean record, and sounds like a gentleman. I told her sadly that would be the best man you ever had (sadly not in her race too). I told her yes he’s Mexican, but just go out for fun. She then got mad and told me to go out with him…I said I would if he met me first and took a interest why not? I  mean in this state black men care less if she’s Mexican he’ll be chasing these women (Only the very light brown to pale skinned ones). I telling her to give the Mexican guy a go was too much of a insult and she told me to suck a dick and called me a ho. I was left nearly speechless and told her to kiss my ass!!! Which resulted in a text match of insults to the point it was I who stopped and ignored her for that day.

She then would miss read my texts and assumed I tried to insult her….only to re-read and say Oh sorry I miss read it. She wanted me on the phone all the time for hours. I told her this is not me….I don’t like being on the phone long…makes me feel trapped where I can’t do other things. I have to focus on what your saying. I also like to enjoy my surroundings and don’t want to be suck on the phone on the way to work nor after. I then found myself taking pictures of my whereabouts. Picture of me with my mouth wide open in the dentist chair, picture of me in the bathroom washing my hands…it was like she didn’t believe what I said I was doing, so I should be on the phone with her :/

I missed my freedom and people do change …but everyday we have these high and lows. Everyday I was now being told to suck a dick….next minute I’m sorry. I’m a ho…next min …I’m sorry…..we been only in touch for two months and the final straw…was when she made a joke about my father……….



Like mentioned before in older posts. I use to day dream as a young teen having a dad, a happy mother in  a loving relationship. All the things we would of done together. How I may be different if I was a two parent home that was full of love. Only last month I found out four years ago my father (Who I called by his first name). Has been looking for me…likely guilt finally set in. Since I don’t have a facebook like that he could never find me. Same with my mom since she removed her account some years ago. Part me wants this, but another part don’t. I don’t want someone now ready to give me rules and what not…who has never been there and um…I’m a adult? Part of me wants to just not try this because I’m too nervous….too nervous about this meeting in July. They (mom, him , and his friend) would visit me this month, but I’m too fat and a recent family visit confirmed that and I’m too ashamed. His friend sent me a picture of him. He is dark skin (follow?), also he has a small gut, but slim all over. If he lost maybe ten pounds he would be perfect, but I don’t care ……hell if a grass hopper said he was my daddy I would care less how he looked like.


I was happy deep down to have a photo. I shared it with the girl who told me to suck a dick when pissed. The first thing out her mouth was wow he’s very black…mind you shes med. tone and likes dark men which will result in her having dark kids maybe in the future….so I was taken aback, but ignored that. Others saw his photo and said I must take after my mom.  Anyway by now things were calm between us. I made the mistake of telling her my very minor sister likes to call me fat through text pretty much almost daily Sometimes funny other times annoying. As of two days ago she stopped…..but…

So since she this so called friend know (after I told her) my minor sister (not even a teen yet) called me fatty watty……..every day more then my little sister she started texting me fatty watty, but the final straw was these exact texts……….


Her: Fatty watty

(I’m at bus station look down at texts)

Me: Chucky frumpy, church lovin plump flunkie.

Her: lol

Her:  Fatty watty don’t know her daddy got a big ass belly that shakes like jelly!

Me: mmm (thinking…why did you bring any one related to me in this like that?), weird …ok. You need to give pedro a go… (His real name)

Her: You need to give any man a go! Ho

Me: Cancel the 16th …rather ride the 3 buses to dentist.

Her: ummm don’t think I’m going to beg to drive you lol!

Me: Ok no hard feelings. Just not into stress….I’ll take the 6 buses total that day then have a ride who tried to upset me. Thanks anyway.

Her: ok cool

Her: You can say stuff about me, but when it’s on you… can’t handle it.

Her: Telling me to give pedro a go well you can give someone a go too.

Her: I’m really tired of walking on pins with you do this time I’m serious…I’m blocking you for good.

Me:  You text me randomly fatty watty……my sister is a minor….but ok whatever. I text something back due to that. THEN YOU BRING UP MY FATHER IM LIKE DANG….never talk about how your folks look. So I say maybe you should give Pedro a go….not as a insult, but honestly your kinda nicer when you have a relationship. Then you call me a ho….girl bye.

Her: Get the fuck off my line seriously leave me alone


Then I went ahead and blocked her….this all happened yesterday and my phone only tells when if she called, but blocks it. She called 5 times so far.

And I used girl bye….for the first time in my life. I had to get to her reality tv loving level.

Fatty watty is done with chucky flunky and her nasty wasty trap of a mouth. This 3rd time was fool on me. We bare done. I told my now long distance friend to pleaseeee remind me not to go back. Ever.

We been in touch only 2 months and everyday she begged for us to go out….glad I refused. I remember how she loved to upset me in public. Claimed she changed, but nothing changed …only time did.


Last night. It was a full moon out…I know this because I took the trash out late. I took a shower and laid down. Waiting to ease off to sleep. I felt like crying, but didn’t want to. I laid there thinking of food and how bad I wanted to eat it real bad. It’s like a sick war a very sick twisted war where you want to be thin………but…the urge to eat is a powerful. I been studying more on legal drugs and over the counter meds…I believe theres a way to shut things off at least temp where the desire to eat can vanish….more on that next time…4 hours to sleep for a 16 hour work shirt tomorrow. Tues or wed. I should be back.






So many updates and the weight war continues.

May 9, 2017

Fear of Birthdays.

This August Marks 30 years of age….and it scares me. More so because I haven’t lost the weight. I still remember being a 5th grader crushing on the dark brown skinned and green eyed Cuban boy…then the black Jamaican guy who was crushing on the super skinny black girl, and secretly liking the Italian boy who we both disliked each other, but when it was time for report cards and to show our mom’s our low grades…we bonded over letting them down.  I remember coloring and drawing as a form of escape for my troubles and later using food. I remember thinking if I see a adult woman cry…my young mind assumed they were being abused at home by their husbands. I recall being 16 and had many magazines of thin modals. Modals who sometimes look average and ugly, but were loved and praised based on being thin. I learned I could be ugly too, but considered beautiful if I’m slim. Time went by I then remember getting fatter and fatter…and any insults towards me would be about my weight. Depression aka extreme sadness…time slipped away. I never got my size 0-2 body …..and it still bothers me to the point I feel myself holding back tears. Being slim met the world to me…it met everything. Whats the point of continuing on if I’m not thin?

tumblr_m724uk8AnY1qabteho1_500 Not going to lie black men dressing in ladies attire…..pretending to be black women is funny, but damaging as well.  At some point of my teenage life…my late teens. I threw away all my magazines of thin women in ads with rib cages perfectly showing. I thought why would anything matter? I am black! I seen thin and fat women black women treated like trash by their men, so ….well..whats the point?  Plus I thought would I be beautiful if I was thin? The only time the media showed actual beautiful black women is when they were pale skinned to very light skin, but allowed all the fat dark and brown black women to come on through. I’m not part of a culture where the women can be feminine exactly… we have to play both roles sadly. Not part of a culture where the men use actual black women in their music videos….they use mixed, white, to very light Hispanics. Meanwhile white ,Asian, Latino music artists use their women…they may use another race on the rare(token), but won’t allow another race to take over their women’s spot. I grew up hearing it all. Also black women wear weaves……………I know someone who does hair and adds weave to all races of women hair, black women got attitudes…….next I hear a white chubby girl say” COME ON NIGGA” in public as he carried their mixed race child. Black women wear fake nails, fake hair……….but go insane over all races from Brazil (big on surgery enchantments) all the way somewhere in Europe. Let a black women get fake breasts, fake bum, fake everything and were trashed as a whole. I just wish these black men were more honest and instead of making endless list of why they dislike black women with a passion………just be honest and say we view non black women  based on (hair, and skin tone) more attractive and leave it at that.

So since I was a fat teen. On the bus, not doing well in school….and 18 around the corner. I have older pictures of me when I was very much lighter. I was actual a light skin person depending on the season, but due to being in the sun a lot…even to this day and even on purpose getting darker because finally slowly they started showing beautiful darker modals in the spot light. I decided to ease off the sun. I still went out, but the only difference was I drank lots of water, put on sun screen once a day, vitamin C from orange juice and a vitamin C and that was all…don’t believe me try it if you wish. Slowly and very slowly. I became back lighter, and lighter. Like Raven S. type of light. I was no longer Kerry Washington brown. I noticed black guys treating me differently even some assuming I was a Latina. Black men started asking me out like a gentleman and not like a wild ape in heat with zero morals. One even told me he makes x amount of money and plans on buying a house soon………I was like wow I mean usually black women are labeled gold diggers and we suck at gold digging to be honest most don’t even try. I was like this is how it feels….next min I stopped using sun screen (blacks should use it anyway, but it’s a great chore) stop taking vitamins, and went back to pepsi and mountain dews and now I’m back to being treated 3rd class at that time.  Then 4th class for self tanning just because. Sometimes I think back and wonder what if I told him yea I’m Latina …I could act anyway I want to and he would just say I’m spicy …not that I have a attitude. There is a Latin guy on youtube who speaks of the double standards black men do when it comes to black women. He even says black men are ready to wife up a Latin woman who is half nake, but  a black women can be half nake and she’s trashed and called all sorts of names.   It’s not non black women’s fault their men uplift them and ours uplift them too. They simply benefit from their men pushing their image in a positive light when we had the pine sol lady and black men pretending to be black women, but in a negative light.

I love being a black woman, but it’s tough when those who are apart of you can be against you.  Because of the things I witnessed and seen…I no longer judge those who tan or lighten their skin. Do what makes you happy. Yes there are some black men who do right by their race of women, but those are super rare. Nor do I have a problem with black men dating out, but it’s how they go about it.  Like my ex coworker now. Called white men pecker wood, honkie behind their backs, but never speaks ill of the pecker wood’s daughters and women in general…odd isn’t it. I get slavery did a number on blacks…generation to generation and no one got therapy for it. Yet that’s still no excuse to degrade black women…just for being born black.


I had to figure out self….and no longer view myself as part of a group, but maybe a shared culture. Slowly nearing the age of 30….learning to do what I want to do. Natural hair, weaves, whatever. I always been pro surgery any way,so that’s not a hard thing to get over. As a teen I met Vanessa…..and my whole outlook really changed.

I noticed something outside of lower income areas. Thin black girls were winning. They got the red carpet treatment, BUT from other races mainly. In black culture you can be fat or skinny and treated the same it seems. Non blacks…….being thin was a blessing and something to be proud of. Not only did it get you the cute date, better clothing selection, but nice jobs, better friends, people liked your pet if they liked you, it was like magical….from then on after seeing too much skinny privilege……..I vowed never to go out with thin girls. I have seen where experienced friendly fat white women got passed up for a promotion for the thin white women. The fat white woman would always be like….I don’t understand….when I over heard the boss reason why was because she was too big. Fat people don’t deserve promotions I guess. One thing to see a skinny white girl living the life you feel you deserve, wearing the clothes you can’t fit in, but to see a skinny black girl….was too much for me sometimes. Or Vanessa getting guys attention only to find out they wanted her to ask her friend out for them. Her friend was a thin Nigerian woman very…thin. She was highly popular. Thin women of all races don’t know their worth….when a thin woman gets with a dead beat that was her choice to stay. A fat woman will get losers across the board over and over.


Due to being in school on and off for 8-9 years….thanks to working and trying to study for classes…I would end up dropping out a lot. Finally….I’ll be done with a general degree next year and can finally move on to university. With a general degree I hope to land a job that pays over 15 dollars a hour.


Right now…….

  1. I went to the dentist for the first time in over 10 years. Paid out of pocket to find 3 cavities, a rotting tooth (root canal). After root canal …..I’ll finally work towards a 5th grade fantasy of finally getting braces like my classmates did. I always wanted straight teeth and to find out that braces can fix my overbite is unreal. This all cost me near 1000$ just for dentist services ect. I got another job….just to fund my dental work and help with bills.
  2. I plan on working extra shifts to pay for driving lessons and no one will know I can drive. When I was trapped in blue and purple looking lightening going across the sky, caught in heavy rains, missed the last running bus at night after work….no one came to get me, no one ever offered to teach me how to drive….so I don’t want anyone depending on me. Wish I never accepted those two so called friendships…negative…all black girls don’t behave the same….yes I still watch cartoons, but I watch adult shows too mainly court tv, dna testing, 48 hours…and yes deep down I may watch some old school power puff girls…won’t be admitting that in public…you know black girls are not suppose to like that type of stuff. Sounds like anything fun. I’m back to wearing red lipstick after hearing a remark that it doesn’t look good on us.
  3. Thinking I still can’t believe I still have my two cats. Two cats, fat…oh no…future old maid?
  4. Hope to be out of debt someday….I want to travel over seas for affordable surgery just in case I end up having loose skin. American doctors too costly.
  5. Learning from my great grandma of a African cousin we use to have. How he coped after slavery….I wondered what happened to him, did he have any kids? What was his name? If he had kids where are they today? Explains the south African dna on my dna test then. Had a south African girl online tell me I shouldn’t have south African dna. I was like um…they didn’t just take west African slaves lol. I think the other stuff must come from my fathers side dna wise. I been curious about this African man….his history is forgotten. My highest percentage was black American, under somewhere south Africa (forgot location), then minor non black locations such as Italian, Arab, Spain…all were highly minor, but I hear people say dna testing is fake…… were my results fake? They say for blacks that they create dna tests that go back only to Africa and feel not all of us have dna from there….so confused. on that…moving on.
  6. Been looking into jello mono….


Have a lot to say, but been up since yesterday…so sleepy. Its 5:27am.