It’s like you want to be white, but yet your pro black….you confuse me. (Friendship finally over 3 months and counting…and one more to go.

I’m a very forgiving person. A understanding person who over looks flaws of others….because I am flawed. It’s rare, but sometimes I wake up happy to be in a world that is full of different races. Sometimes I wake up loving that I was born a black girl. These feelings could come from last nights sugar  high or simply just a rare feeling of amazement that I exist in a diverse world.

These days I try to explain to …extreme christian title holders (aka those who are not christian, but say so out of habit and tradition) that yes blacks are getting killed….but this been happening. Technology is only a reminder. Just like innocent children who are raped and killed….this is not new it’s just technology is helping us solve murders and media exposing it world wide. We are not in the end times…nothing is new under the sun. I try to ignore those who go into the whole these are the end of times….yawn….stop trying to have people live in fear.

This girl I mentioned in the past on my blog. She is only a year older then me. She was a black girl like me. I was staying with a friend of mines who is white (long story) anyway I met this girl due to her doing my hair. I recall this was watching…I knew it was more out of how we do our hair type of curiosity. Any way the first red flag was when she was doing my hair. She said when I’m done your going to have white girl pretty girl hair… mind said WTF, the friend laughed on the side. I can still hear the laugh now..and this was nearly six years ago. So we stayed in touch and I even told her later on I didn’t like her comment. She said nothing Plus the hair wouldn’t be exactly white girl pretty since it didn’t feel like a white girls hair…trust me I know. When I wear my hair in the past and a white woman wanted to touch my hair I have reached over to touch their hair too, so were equal…which usually has ended in fear of looking like two lesbians about to be in the heat of passion.

As time went on one day she said….I’m shock you don’t have a lot of white friends….she said it like hi, how are you? I was speechless…but let it go. To be honest my friends in my home state were usually black foreign girls and Cuban and there was one black American girl who I cherished. I had two Haitian girlfriends, two Cubans girlfriends,one Jamaican, and one black American (All really American, but to explain it better). They all had one thing in common….they were sane……they accepted me for who I was….I could share my secrets to them, they didn’t raise their voice just because, and none tried to get me inside a church. I was open to anyone as long as they were decent people.

Then one day she called me bougie. I remember going online for the meaning, but I knew I was to be insulted. I called my grandmother and she told me she was called that too. I called her to question what does she really mean??? She then says well it’s like your a white girl…I said HOW?! My dna no matter what says black. I look black too.

I lost it trying to explain to her that blacks are diverse. Just because I didn’t want to take her advice and have sex with black men I never met or know of…plus I have standards. A guy sexing me would be so low of me. I told her she makes me feel like I’m a animal. Like my issue is finding sex. Thats easy if you want nothing like a relationship and gross!!!!! She would over the years say you need sex maybe then youll be normal…drink heavy like her and has a actual pimp for a boyfriend I guess is normal.

Then tried twice to set me on a blind date with drug dealers …. man.

I tolerated her outbursts. She would yell and get loud…why? I said why do you get so angry so fast?! I feel since black women have to man up…..were out there striking…when we shouldn’t, taking on male roles by force I tried to explain to her I think thats why some like her get angry so fast. Her response…..just silence.

I then avoided seeing her for a year and she kept saying I’m avoiding her. And she don’t know why. I told her fine, but every time I’m with you…your rude, you know I walk slow and you out walk me, get a attitude that I can’t keep up, had total strangers laughing at us. She then says I promise I won’t be like that. She was sounding all…gentle and kind.

I felt without meeting her other friends she treated them differently compared to me.  I told her this. She said she see’s me more of a sister. I mean me and her fell out and she would come back and I would force myself to take her back. Thinking of the few decent moments we had and I would try to forget things. I told her I’m bigger then last time so…she said it’s ok, plus her other two friends are with their boyfriends and don’t have time to be with her on her bday.

She complained how they want to be with their man..I said thats normal :/ I mean it’s not their fault there not dating a pimp slash what not. I warned her again about my size. She said ok….soon as she picked me up she looked me up and down. At the restaurant she looked under the table and said my thighs look bigger and she had this wide smile on her face. When I wanted to order another slice of cheese cake  in front of the waitress told me no. We went back and forth …like I was a child.

Then too many times she waited until we got in public like in line at the store…I’m saying hi to the cashier…she then says over and over SHUT UP, SHUT UP…she enjoyed getting me mad I noticed. And embarrassed me for her enjoyment.

The final straw…………..the final fucking straw!

We were talking about the deaths at the hands of cops….I also told her we need cops. I said it’s sad that a few bad cops now makes the face of all cops when it’s not true.

We then talked about famous people and the dreaded over rated Kim k, then men and careers and fashion, and then I told her……………..I told her ………….I like this fairy music on youtube. How listening to it relaxes my mind and takes me to another place within my mind. One even brought me to tears it was so beautiful…the tunes. It’s only tunes.

This is one of my favorites:


I don’t know why I like it, but my mind loves it. They have other music from around the world I haven’t gotten to yet. I didn’t know as I said this she was online looking it up. Next min she said wow this really exists…you don’t hide your thoughts and who you are…I said thank you?

I mean I shared other youtube things I like in the past and we were free talking.

Then she said it…she said it. She said it’s like you want to be a white girl, but then you’re pro black. I said what did you say?!  She then says NOTHING. I mean she forgot I like R&B and oldies….likely remember me listening to Britney spears only, forget that I listen to Nicki Minji…ignoring all the dirty things she say such as nappy headed hoes in her older music, she even put me down in the past for liking old school music from Mary J, Aaliyah, TLC ect.  Yet this music was crossing white girl land. Deep down if I could not like this music to please the hidden black requirements I would.  I like rock like Linkin Park oldies, Korn oldies………I just like all music just not country.

I then tried to let it go as she got loud saying I didn’t say that!!!

The next day she denied it. Like it was in my head I heard her say that. I was done….a month pass she called…I ignored returning any of her calls…which is easy since I like to  text to be honest. She then text, so your still ignoring me? I text back yes and were not friends anymore. She says your going to throw away 6 years??? I said I should of thrown it away years ago. Your not a friend. I need a friend who will let me be….me….just me.

I told her my dna won’t change and I will be black till the day I die. I told her its a shame that if I enjoyed popeyes daily, had six kids with no father in sight …she would never judge me. Or if I had a drug dealer for a boyfriend that would be me being real back. I told her it’s like everything neg is black in your eyes…she then gets angry and textes me your accusing me of being racist to  my own race?! I said YES. She then texts get the hell off my line!!! I said ok…

Another month pass…she texts…hi. I text hi were not friends.

It was hard….I hate leaving people, but I had to.

I felt such freedom after.

This one is in her early 50’s. She has some good and then….as time goes on it seems she gets angry faster. Like rapid. She got mad at me and loud on the phone because I asked her why does she want to call a college and demand to speak to the Dean to let her skip testing?? She went off to the point I went ahead and hung up on her. My first thought was why don’t she tell a COLLEGE dean to let her skip testing because it’s hard. I am powerless and only a student myself :/ so before I hung up I recall her last words were don’t call me again! I thought thats easy….again I like to text so….this is a treat for me.

When she gives me advice such as quit my job….do this and that and when I say thats not a good idea she gets loud on the phone. I’m like wow and usually just sit the phone down and watch tv. Shes the type of black woman who would be rich helping the media say were all this way when we all know thats not true.

Black women should be allowed to cry, laugh, be angry (when it makes sense), be tired, or bored. I mean today she said my memory is real bad (she use to deep down assume I’m slow….yup I’m not the one a single parent who now works several low paying jobs…I’m the slow one. Just because I told her I wasn’t angry 4 years ago :/ . I went to apply for a job and they weren’t hiring. I recall being disappointed ….I don’t get angry fast. Usually I’m sad or just disappointed. She then gets loud as if I will say yes your right….and I see why she pretty much no longer have friends. She then gets mad and says forget it were done talking about it…I then say…she cuts me off WERE DONE.

I allowed her several times like the other girl to get mad at me…claim there leaving only to return. Very soon she’ll be out too.

I have a friend who moved. She doesn’t judge me, don’t care what I do,when we talk our voices stay the same…no raising high. Her emotions are normal like anyone else. When we have disagreements we may talk/text fast, but our voices/cap lock not on is the pretty much the same. I can call her now and say I wish this is longer vs only 2 minutes:


She will only say that sounds pretty good and it should be. I can say well I don’t remember feeling that way she won’t get loud and say my memory is bad.


Anyway when someone asked me…is that really your friend? I was …..weak and said a hard yes. I know this isn’t my friend. And this is someone I don’t plan to stay in touch with either.

We got into a heated argument last week over this guy…

He was killed by a cop recently which made many angry. I told her well…the way he died was bad, but he wasn’t a great guy either. She said well he didn’t deserve to die like that!!!!

He got a 14 year old girl pregnant when he was 20 years old, for years he sold CDS outside, I wondered how his family said he was a great guy………..yet he was living in a shelter…not with his woman and kids.

Alton Sterling Arrest Record, Criminal History & Rap Sheet [DOCUMENTS]

No one should die like that yes, but I was saying he wasn’t a great guy and she got mad.

The guy who was shot live on facebook was a great guy, then the cops recently were decent too. They were great people taken too soon.

Can’t wait to move on….



3 Responses to “It’s like you want to be white, but yet your pro black….you confuse me. (Friendship finally over 3 months and counting…and one more to go.”

  1. Corazón Says:

    our lives are catch 22s. always. if you’re not angry, you’re actually crazy. if you’re angry, you’re an “angry black woman” AND you’re crazy. so, you act like what feels right, and then told you’re trying to be someone else. there is no winning. most days i wake up with a heavy heart. somehow, someone somewhere at some point in time determined it was okay to say just anything to us, without regard to our very existence. thanks for writing your post. it is what it is and i’m sorry.

  2. Uk black girl Says:

    Hey. You haven’t written at all this year it seems. I love your story. It’s heart breaking and frustrating. And it reflects my own feelings about some things. I’m seriously enthralled by your life story and want to know more. How you’re doing, how you’re progressing. When I was reading your posts I was rooting for you the whole time. You’re story is so human and so true to the struggle of women in the black diaspora. And I feel you n some ways all the way in the UK. I still am and hope you’re ok. I was never big Like you but came close. Here education is easier to get into so I had that privilege but it was hard and I used food to cope. As I always did. And the weight sprang on our of nowhere. But I also had some serious stomach issues a lot of which my family was unaware. My family aren’t perfect – far from it but my closest friend I watched struggle (with all the support I could give) without that foundation. He was strong, brave and independent and is still trying to this day. Don’t give up. I’m younger than you now at 25 but it fought tooth and nail everyday to deal with body issues. That had way more to do with my OCD than true self satisfaction. I never really dieted in my life all I did was try to eat clean and work out. And it worked….temporarily. still food issues. Spurred on by emotional issues. After another day of feeling sick to my stomach and having crippling stomach cramps at night that was like a huge fire cracker going off in my gut I decided to just do reasearch. No more fad diet advice for me. I knew something was missing. Something was wrong. I looked at videos on YouTube summing up medical research papers on what the actual scientific experts had to say based on 10s of years of finding about the human organism and nutrtion learnt that a human body is not meant to thrive or survive in a deficit and a ‘diet’ change should be for life. That eating metabolically appropriate food and eating enough the body would naturally over time begin to get rid of the excess fat. This may not be for everyone (though I truly think it is) but I went vegan. At first I ate like a monster my body was none stop hungry I ate till I would feel seriously sick then 20 minutes later want to eat again. It was like that for a while. My body was like ‘finally you’re actually feeding, all this time I was your friend trying to protect you and you’re finally being a friend back.’ Eventually my hunger settled down and began to eat more ‘normally’. But I’m a year into this life style change and have to date lost 2 Nearly 3 dress size which I’ve maintained with relative ease. All I do is eat while plant foods. That’s it. I couldn’t believe how easy it was for me once I started. (Not that its easy for e everyone). I do eat vegan junk food on occasion and make sure not to berate myself for it. Life can get hard. My staples are complex starches like potatoes, rice, beans and pasta. Then I but frozen fruit and veg. Works out much cheaper than when I was an omnivore. I’m not preaching at you. You can take my story however you like. I just wanted you to know that you’re seriously not alone. When I read your blog I can’t stop. Like said before you’re so honest and you’re so human and that’s so beautiful. If we met I feel like we would seriously be friends. When I read your blog I thought you were this crysilis with all this potential wound up tight inside you struggling to get out. Whether you come back to this blog or not. I am seriously rooting for you and I am vookmarkng your blog. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

  3. ebonnie Says:

    First thank you so much for your kind words. In other countries it does seem it’s much easier to get a education. At least they want their people to get one. Congrats to the 3 dress sizes! Just plant foods is no joke….hard!

    Anyway…I miss blogging and slowly coming back 🙂 I’m open to friendship!

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