Archive for March, 2016

Not into black men really and why, think like a white girl?

March 21, 2016

I grew up as a little girl hearing from adult black women….

I want me a dark skinned man.

Nothing, but a black man for me.

Nothing can compare to a black man.

And of course the size myth (when all men vary).

All this ego boosting got to many of their heads…along with making other races of women even more curious.

I went on craig list rant section. A white woman wanted to know is it true about black men’s size??? Other white women who have dared and ventured into the unknown to experience the side show of the great black dick all responded to…it’s only a myth.

I did have a white girl show me a pic on her cell phone of her black mans great big thingy.

She didn’t know it, but I played stupid.

No no your man looks native American!

No girl he is black.

No Native American.

No black like you.

She then zoomed in to make sure I saw his manhood. I faked it and said oh wow so..big like you said.

To be honest the size wouldn’t matter to me.

(Back in time)

Even though I witnessed a lot of abuse. My mom seemed to be close to deaths door with the awesome black man. State visit and once I was close to being taken away. In a church we went to. They had some type of event where some dressed in African patterns. And in many black churches the majority are black women. Many single with or without kids, few married…very few. Without black women the majority of black churches would be shut down.  Even with all the abuse going on, in public other black women saw them as this black couple…and saw hope for themselves.

Still I grew up liking boys. All races of boys in 5th grade. I liked any boy who didn’t want me. Not giving the boy who was biracial (white and Cuban) a chance. I felt bad….later on as a fat single girl. He was moving and tried to go after me to have contact with me, but I was too all that and kept walking. Then the Haitian boy who kept trying to get me alone for early sex activities. I had a crush on the Italian boy, the Cuban boy, the Jamaican boy….all in rotation.



Cuban: …laughed

Jamaican…um…I like another girl (he really did even into 6th grade)

(jumping into some years)

My life was kinda sheltered. I was comfortable with it being protected.

I hated when my mom would drop me off into other people’s home. Many of us would get our hair done cheaper if it’s someones home then a salon. She was a dark skinned woman, in her 40’s at the time. I remember sitting on the floor facing the tv with her feet on each side of me. I saw my first and promised my last music video. When getting my hair done whatever the person doing your hair was watching you were forced into watching.

On the tv their were women with slim bodies, long hair both real and fake hair, and wearing bathing suits to sexy clothes. They all stared into the camera, dancing near the man. Skin flawless, everything perfect,….but the women were of mixed race and non black. In the middle was a dark skinned man with tattoos and dark shades as if he was at a pool party next min indoors. This was black man heaven. I remember my young mind wondering and trying to find the black girls. Black girls who everyone knew was black not…is she black or mixed…or is that a latino or a tanned white girl..???

My love of music was diverse…though I had to listen to in secret. At the time my mother was super strict and any music outside of christian was considered satan’s music by the church. I listened to chop suey, Korn, Lincoln park, papa roach. On the rare when I did get a glance at music videos. I noticed white men promoting their women both the tanned to pale skinned. Even latinos were promoting their women. Yet black men were helping other races of men promote their women. Yet black women were promoting their men. You can still see this in Nicki Minji videos where the men are dark …you never guess is he black or white or..huh :/

Britney spears was a break. Her music wasn’t full of I need me a light skin girl. Her music was fun, easy to sing to, pop, perfect. Team Aqua in grade school with Barbie girl….something I have saved on my favorites and still listen to shhhh. And spice girls were a big thing in school and along with my beloved (RIP ) Aaliyah and TLC.

Still I was sheltered. I drew, day dreamed and thought of better times once I’m a adult. I still liked all races of boys. Staying indoors and going out only to get the mail and forced on sundays to church and of course school. I got naturally lighter to the point I appeared pale at times. I needed brown and a almost white makeup on certain parts. People remarked how lighter I got and I’m looking pale.

As I got older still a teen. Hanging out with my friend a dark skinned Haitian girl. Very sweet, loyal, and the greatest friend someone like me could ever have. Yet black guys would ignore her ….right in front of her for me. Once black guys heard me tell the truth that I was black like them…they would lose total interest.

Honestly I feared the sun….I was afraid that I wouldn’t be beautiful to them. Then I discovered her…:

Next minute I tried to lay in the sun on the beach. I wanted to look just like her. I tried to get darker……..only thing that happened was I ended up in the hospital 4 different times. A girl told she don’t understand. How can I be sun sensitive? My skin would peel, I would get sick, my stomach would blister and I felt dizzy….so out the sun I was again. I try to be careful these days still…or another ER visit. I just can be in the sun for hours.

As I got a little older. In middle school. A biracial girl (white mother and black father) tried to get me to join a club for mix race girls with white mothers. I told her I was black…next min she tried to fight me…including the black girl who was the color of Vanessa Williams. We both were lighter then her. I learned about favoritism black boys had for white girls and in second place mix race girls.

It was ok for the white girl to be her self, be silly, dress non name brand, it was also ok she could be loud, have sex at 16 (like one of my bullies), drink or not drink, curse or not…she could be anything she dreamed of being.

When our boys/men told us were too loose…even those of us who are virgins are still bitches and hoes, we were too loud, we were too dark, we wear fake hair or that our hair too nappy, latino girls are spicy we just had too much attitude,  all black girls are fat….then they get fat non black women. When really all these excuses were …we are black. Notice they never talk of traveling to other countries that the majority are black..oh no.

On top of me not having a father, and meeting lots of others with out black fathers both mixed or not, to seeing twice black men high fiving one another just for having a white girl on their arms….not the ideal ones, but….anyway. It was a badge of honor.

Yet…black women (not as greatly in the past, but many still are) are uplifting black men. The creation of youtube is full of black men declaring to the world that their women are inferior (a reflection of themselves) and all other races are perfect each and every way.

Even foreign black men are not the greatest.

It was dark out as I waited for the bus. The bus almost passed me by….I got on and he started with the joke if I wasn’t so dark skinned…. (he was dark skinned) and when he saw me…stop the joke since I don’t fit his racist joke towards his own race.

I think to myself…how could I be with someone ….I don’t feel loved or beautiful with?

At my size and weight that will someday decreased…and someday I’ll get bold and brave and give a guy a chance…..I will be with someone who makes me feel like a cherished woman….not him doing me a favor by being with me.

So instead of this fantasy black love. I’m just seeking love in the future.

All the things I seen and witnessed. Pretty much killed any possible chance I could see myself with a black man. I told a friend of mines that was shocked, but I was being honest. If I got with a black guy and I became a single black mother with kids…it’s best to lock me up in a mental ward because I know I will snap and be gone.  I would pretty much start from when I was molested and be a empty shell. Someone without a voice and trapped within myself. And maybe once again it would take a couple of decades to appear normal on the outside leaving my kids without both parents.

And like people usually do… the same ones pushing for black love…will blame the black woman for not keeping her legs closed, and think she picked a thug, and it’s all her fault and tons of great black men out there…somewhere.

Right now its summer. I would also need a man who wouldn’t mind that my skin may naturally get a little darker sometimes.

72 Percent Of Black Kids Raised By Single Parent, 25% Overall In U.S.

Breaking Point? What’s Up with All These Stories of Black Women Killing Their Children?!

I had been watching videos of pro male vids. Black men say white women are better…then white men come on saying no no white women can be entitled!  And Asian women are better…next min you’ll find a video saying don’t date Asians or other foreign women they are only pretending…then black men come back saying no no, but black women are the worse! Then I saw a comment from a white guy telling a black guy that his comments are racist towards black women and all races of men can stand together stronger against women, but we can’t if all your videos are racist towards just black women…

I’m noticing black women are finding love elsewhere. Focusing on the person then if he is black too. As this is slooooooooooooooooooooooooowly happening.  All of a sudden sloooooooowly some black men are posting how they love black women now on youtube. I couldn’t thumb a video fast enough of a black man who said he thinks black women are beautiful , but he likes asian women. And of course the black women desperate for their own race of men to love them kept saying thank you thank yooooou! Um….he said he wants a Asian women even before he began the rest of his video :/

Thats like a white man saying I think white women are beautiful because my mom is white , BUT before I continue I like Asian girls….but anyway white women are beautiful because_________

No thank you.

I use to be that black girl who smiled all the time. Now I don’t…and I’m part of the black girls don’t smile much. Well when your made to feel ugly by your own men, been through hell, and the only time black men approach me is for sex or/and money…why should I smile? Once I’m thin and no longer in my area then I believe the old me will return fully.


Think like a man, act like a woman??? No…

I was on the phone with a friend maybe two months ago.

I told her some of us already think like a man….well how a man should be. Other races too, but it’s worse in the black community . Many of the women are mommy and daddy. It’s not normal to play both genders.

*Disclaimer this about the normal white girls. The ones I had hung out with. Not the ones at night in my area with a black dude and both strung on drugs, or ones who date black men (their behavior is…) , yes to white women with their own race or other non black races, and the ones who are thin or want to lose weight (not part of the I want to be fat movement)*

As we were talking we were talking about how lucky white women are. Yet they don’t even know it. We like some others….don’t really understand the fight they have against their men. They want equal pay…but make more then all other races of women, they fought to be able to wear jeans….skirts are cute, they wanted to work just like their men…no one wanted to join us out in the women been working before it was legal for them to work along side their men like we got to. The whole feminism movement  ……I get the right to vote I guess. Yet we both agreed we rather have white girl problems.

Black feminism feels more like treat us like women, and can we get the same treatment as women as other races? And that were beautiful too.  A man telling me to have babies and to cook/clean sounds like a fantasy (I speak for myself)

As we were talking we recalled a latino teacher we had. Who looked black…and latino at the same time. Forgot where she said shes from. She went on saying how the teacher said in her culture no matter how fat they are they always dress well always! As I sat there letting them know I won’t bother to dress up my fat…its pointless and only increases  attention I get now.

So were on the phone talking and I’m listening  well dressed latino women are. Don’t matter how big.

We were on this subject only because we want to try to be more feminine. All the things we been through, as black women were not in  a culture where our men placed us above everyone else. Even Asian women got to practice being cute and lady like. When we got the motto strong (a manly trait) black woman. Strong this and that.

Then I said you know what……..instead of think like a man which is terrible. Why not think like a white girl?

All of a sudden everything halted.

I don’t know about thinking like them!?

I told her there from a different culture yes, but….

Their culture is not perfect just like everyone else once based as individuals.

White women grow up in a world where they see themselves most of the time, besides their men not degrading them in lyrics about things they were born with racially it tends to be uplifting using the best they can find. The worse they can get is fat shaming. The guy has a thing for red heads…easy dye hair.

Black girls grew up with the likes of Good times and pine sol lady in earlier times. Whites got the Brady Bunch girls and that girl ….whats her name…she played in Grease super thin, with the perfect ending outfit in leather.

Only recently were getting attractive black girls on screen. The girls you wouldn’t mind being compared to. Since we don’t have the society hook up my idea was to act like we do.

We can’t expect to go to a concert and see ourselves as the majority. Justin B. all the way from Canada and in a black R.B style of dance and music  even did a shout out for German girls in his earlier music, and his backup dancers…you guessed it!

I don’t listen to lil Wayne or any other of the likes who promote only other women. Black women need to only listen to others and ignore those who degrade you. And just because your not dark skin doesn’t mean you should support it, also if your dark skin and want to start with the preference speech………it’s not normal for the majority of a race of men to only seek other races based on skin tone and use made up excuses and get everything he don’t want in you in another race.

Nutshell listen to music that either promotes you or is in between. Example Madonna, Britney spears, rock ect….at least their music makes sense they are promoting themselves. Yet you won’t hear Britney Spears for example sang…oh baby oh baby how was I suppose to know…, that your not the right shade yay! Um no.

A ex coworker she was white, and even she admitted that they hate her dyed red hair. She said because she’s white they won’t say anything, but if it was me they would. At least she was honest! And she was right! It will take time for some, but to me as long as it’s done right. I feel its ok we wear any shade of lipstick and any color hair if we want to. Just think if white, Latino, Asian women had to live by our forced on rules?  It’s no fun. When I read some young teens say online I hate being black…I don’t think they mean the race, but the rules we allow and force on each other. Also from outsiders too. It’s much more fun to be white in their eyes because they can change up their color of hair, wear contacts freely with no judgement of self hate (Paris Hilton eyes are brown), they can act like themselves without given the oreo label. Care free blacks so far are blacks with millions who don’t have closed minded people around them. You have to enjoy this life. Not live by others standards.


Black girls can’t win here. It’s best to live how you want. I read black men say were loose and having rabbit type of sex. Next min I’m reading were not sexually free like the white girls and white girls do it all. It’s best to leave damaged men alone…

I struggle with this. Due to my religious background, fear of diseases, and not willing to be used for sex because I’m fat….I’ve never done it.  Another part of me was I’m a black girl I’ll prove them wrong!!! I only proved I allowed stereotypes to greatly control me. I think black women can be sexy and hold a degree if they want to. And even not sexy and no degree as well.

Were the only race told to be natural…..and were proud of being natural. No botox as a majority, no going under the knife for us ect. and will lie when a wealthy black person gets something done and looks great…we may lie and say their before was better. If they can afford it white girls will get some work done without the are you self hating, ect. Even Brazilian women enjoying themselves under the knife. A friend of  friend she is white and got a sugar daddy (Yes she is thin) to fund her a boob job. Deep down I wish that was me having someone fund my surgery. Again our men will chase down Kim K who had lots and lots of work done…yet it’s we wear weave. In a nutshell live your life and be free…it’s so hard to do, but slowly it’s possible. Also its ok to be natural and its ok to be unatural. The law s of black women hood truly sucks. I’m shocked were not told to be fully nude yet…it’s coming…


Maybe my ideas are bad, or good. I just think its way better then women thinking like a man.