Lacking compassion with self….and learning to have more understanding, compassion,and patience with self.

Working as a cna/aide is one of the worst jobs to be trapped in. Residents wanting you to drop everything for them (when your clearly busy helping another), I tried to clean someone whose poop was so bad (due to his meds) it was so strong I threw up clear nothing (since I thankfully haven’t eaten yet). You have very few nice ones, but many makes you not want to care for another soul again. Five days ago a resident in his 40’s, with his mind right, just disabled….(slightly changes subject) I try to be nice to all, I even buy (on the very rare) candy to the residents, I try to listen about their lives growing up as they lay in their beds with snacks, but there is never no time to listen let alone a proper break. Well five days go this resident cursed me out, dumb ass this, fucker, fuck you, and followed me…when it was time for me to go home. Like I mentioned before I cried all day into the next day. The don ect. expect me to work with that monster. He did say sorry and can we be friends? I was shocked and thought he lost his mind. So you want this mother fucker, dumb ass,ect to be friends with you :/

Being talked down like that crushed me badly. I felt awful for days. I went outside and out of no where I was blinded by my own tears. I could see, but my eyes were full of water. I felt the urge to cry randomly for days. I requested time off from work. I knew they would grant it to me after how I was treated and no nurse stopped it. Nine days off from a job I been trying to escape from. I was going to see my family. My mom was the one who told me to take time off to visit.

Thats when things got worse.

I have a payday loan out. I needed 30 dollars. With payday loans min you can take out is 100…so I had to. Food/bus transportation. I don’t make a lot of money. I need money. I can’t afford a car, and it seems I owe the world. And taking time off I will miss five days worth of pay. The round trip is 168 dollars. My mom said I need to pay 60 of it. Problem is my cell phone bill, pay day loan,I’m paid semi monthly, and taking time off is already me paying over 60 as it is. Another thing is I don’t live with family (im in another state) , my adult sister lives with my mom and doesn’t work, eats there free, cable, has her own room, mom treats her out to movies and fast food and restaurants. All that adds up…so to me why can’t she pay the whole ticket? When I said I’m about to lose my place my family sent no funds, no help, zero.  My sister gets way more then me always.

I told her everything about how I need help,  and by visiting I’m taking a risk financially as it is. She then said well you got cats (its cheap to feed cats) and they cost money. And if you managed your money right…and she went on and on. Putting me down when I do that pretty well on my own….so there goes my family visit trip.

1) Rude resident who cursed me out.

2) My mom putting me down and as always my sister gets it all. Not long ago they had steak with potatoes. I would love to afford some steak at a decent restaurant or even store bought.

So I decide to call my aunt. BIG mistake. She blamed me. Said thats why no one likes to talk to me, and no one wants to be bothered with me, I told her shes wrong and since she is a therapist with a PHD (who helps students at a university) how could she talk to me like this? I wanted to know how does she talk to her clients??? She said see thats your problem your trying to be cute. I said no I want to know. She said your not my client and never will be my client , I’m your aunt!

She went on and on and as soon as I try to get a word in she says see thats your problem you don’t listen!

She then says SHUT UP,SHUT UP,SHUT UP,SHUT UP. I was shocked. I told her as she kept saying this. I never told another human to shut up, and that I have more class then that to do so. She then says over and over…IM HANGING UP,IM HANGING UP,IM HANGING UP. I beat her to it and CLICKED. I did so before she did.

My aunt the therapist with a PHD in psychology made me feel even worse. When I shared my life to someone she said shes amazed I haven’t killed myself yet. I told her the thought to do so was strong in the past, but I always think if I do so……..then I no longer have a voice. Those who made me feel my worst, made me feel like shit will speak for me. Likely saying how I had so many problems aka never putting the blame on themselves.

I come from a family who some are educated, some are not.

They see no flaws in themselves…such as leaving teenage me stranded outside 12am in the morning as men passed by slowly trying to get me in their cars…but drove in darkness to find my sister who was hanging out with the wrong crowd. They say I can’t get over things (I won’t forget), and how the men my family get with ruined not only my childhood, but some other things too.

1)Resident cursing me out

2)Not visiting family and mom putting me down to prove a point

3)Aunt letting me know that no one wants to even talk to me

All happened within 4 days. It was too much. I was angry, crying, and just very hurt. I hate them I said to myself. Why do I have to have this family!??!? Its backwards. My younger sister is given a car, but not me. Nothing makes any sense. Favorites are a huge thing in this family.

I have already gone through enough past and present. My life seems to be going nowhere. I need to return to school, but too costly to do so.

I was online just to be online. I read a article about how we talk to ourselves and we need to have compassion. Just like you would talk to a friend, why not talk to yourself the same way. You wouldn’t point out all your friends flaws and make them feel terrible.

I broke down so hard in tears. Typing this now in tears. I never got compassion from my family, and I never gave myself compassion either. Just like my family I only saw everything wrong with me. My education sucked growing up too. Teachers let me pass without me trying, my mom didn’t want to help me because I wasn’t  fast learner like my other sister. I was only good at reading. Grammar,and math I rank lowly (proof in my blog I know). I need math to get any education….so to be honest I can only go so far. I only know the worse of me. And nothing else. I did get a A in a college course…………only because the professor kept telling me I can do it, and kept saying positive things until I believed him. Once the class was over…not all professors are as encouraging.

I can’t get compassion from my family, nor will they ever see their mistakes and how their words hurt me. Even if I pretend to forget I will never let it go. I want to remember everything so when I get married without them knowing someday they can know why.

As of today I will try my best to have more compassion with self…

Yes I’m 27 with no degree, never had a boyfriend, in awful low paying job, with disorders over food, but its ok(Im trying to say its ok…)

My first goal (outside of continuing my weight loss)

Is to teach myself math.

Sadly to bring my skills from 5th grade to college…seems like something I shouldn’t even try, but I will have compassion and understanding that yes my past made me who I am today, but it doesn’t have to be my future.


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2 Responses to “Lacking compassion with self….and learning to have more understanding, compassion,and patience with self.”

  1. Concerned Says:

    I am sorry your family sucks and you are going through all of this. You don’t deserve such hardships.

  2. Ellesar Says:

    I know this is a year later but I just found your blog and it interested me.

    Family inconsistency is very tough to accept, but I think they are all like that. When I had cancer my sister did not lift a finger – etc etc! It takes a long time to resolve all those feelings that an unsupportive family bring up.

    I am sure you are aware that your issues with food/ weight are a lot related to that.

    Me: I’m sorry how your sister treated you that way. People who do sucide, or suffer depression, ect. tend to lack true family support. I
    m finally fully aware. Family support is so vital…

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