Trying not to become the cat lady,proudly embracing my eating disorder its my minds way of begging for the attention I always wanted,and work

It was already bad enough being single and alone, but with cats I completed the final scene. The many times I couldn’t walk (due to bone spur in ankle) my cats would just lay there and stare at me, or play with each other , as I struggled to crawl to the bath room. For a moment I confess I decided to temp invest in adult diapers. Deep down I thought how I wish I could prove to be temp disabled. I mean if I binge eat a lot and with all my might try to stand, but can’t due to extreme pain…when all I wanted to do is take five steps to the kitchen, but can’t??? That says a lot! I was taking 6-9 over the counter meds for pain and inflammation with black coffee (since it enhances the inflammation pills) And still had a lot of pain. I looked at my cats and wish they were dogs trained to assist the  disabled  (like turning of and on lights, fetching items such as food, and being large enough to lean my weight on)

What would be nice:

Couple of years a go someone I kinda knew said I’m becoming a future cat lady. I said I would never be a cat lady! In my mind I saw myself as a slim woman, who happened to own cats when in reality I was morbidly obese, single with cats.

My life is work,pain , and my cats.

I now understand my cats, how they react and I learned of their talents.

Like since once I lay down I usually can’t walk again for hoursssssssssssss. Cats are independent pets. I whistle…..and whistle trapped in bed wanting to cuddle with my pets. Dogs on average would run towards their owners for love and attention. I have to whistle because I know it annoys them for their nap to be ruined. I don’t know how they figured this, but once I whistle a cat decided who turn it is for them to be near me (for kisses, rubs, and cuddle time) I even saw my cats look at each other as if saying you need to go up there with her this time! No you! They take turns…yes its gotten sad where even my cats know I need a life outside of them. Or I love picking one up as I sit in the chair and the meow of annoyance is priceless. Cats are not dogs. Dogs would love this. My boy cat wakes me up sometimes  3am, 4am to play fetch with his claim of toy my hair scrunchy. I will toss it non stop, he fetches , and brings it back like a dog…over and over. Sometimes I have to pretend I’m deeply asleep, but meows and meows for fetch time.

I can go on and on about my cats and deep down (as a dog person mainly) that pretty much scares me.

————————————————————————–

Its part of who I am. Nothing will change my extreme thoughts on food and body size. The damage is done based on how I been treated as someone my size.As of now my 3x pants fall down ,2x are kinda loose. I can walk sooner then waiting hours, I no longer take pills daily. I mean I took so many pills yet still suffered pain. I now just use some type of bengay cream on my ankles. I still have pain, but its not so extreme anymore(in pain rating through 1-10. Its no longer a ten, but a 8). I still limp, and I still walk too slow, but at least I can stand sooner vs before. I bite my nails I notice when I think of food, I wake up thinking of wendys, pizza hut ect. I day dream of food. Or how such and such would taste so good such as bbq, Or cheesecake ect. Yet even though I suffer such food type fantasies….daily I allow my stomach to growl, I only had 40 calories three days ago, the next 800, and yesterday 1222 calories and may just have 40 calories again today. At work three days ago a resident called me a dumb ass, mother fucker this and that, followed me saying the worst things you could say to anyone. In his 40’s and knows better. And like a Mexican resident said sometimes it can be your own people who can treat you like shit. And here was my own race saying such awful things that I cried in private with my co-worker comforting me, I cried all the way home having the bus driver and the guy I see sometimes who rides the same route trying to cheer me up, I got home and cried some more. It was hard …it was very very hard. I felt the urge to eat a whole box of cereal, to drink sugar and go for pizza, eat until I puked. Instead I allowed myself to feel all the hurt over some resident who didn’t get his way. I was in the right, he said sorry…but his sorry met nothing the next day. I been called slow because I didn’t react asap in the past (I’m nice and it over powers me telling people off asap, so only two people…who are pretty much hoodish said this about me) , or because my sister can learn things instantly when I always had to study for hours, and feeling like total shit because I’m fat, nothing to be proud of, broke, and need to get a education…but too costly. I already feel my life is just existing. So here this resident basically following me and publicly putting me down the worse way when I already feel like a failure. I thought of how my child hood should of been better not dealing with my mothers abuse, trying to call cops, nothing ever seemed right. Time flew by and next min I’m a adult.

That day I had 40 calories. I cried, allowed myself to feel hurt, even the next day, the next,and the next. I stayed clear of this resident who said could we be friends(after calling me a dumb ass, and a fucker,ect). I was honest and said I don’t feel comfortable answering that…since the true answer in my mind was HELL NO.  I know he’s sad how he treated me, he even sounds different, and no longer says he don’t give a fuck (his daily motto) I was the only one who did my best to put up with him. He saw my kindness as weakness. He told me off worse then anyone who works there. The nicer folks get the worse treatment.

1)Being thin will make things better.

2)Stop self punishing yourself.

3)Whats the point of eating that?

4)If you lose the weight you can land a better job.

I say these things through out the day to myself.

When I ate 40 calories…I felt powerful. When my stomach grumbles its odd. I hate it since I’m a binge eater, but at the same time I embrace the hunger sounds. I just sip more crystal light(5 calories) until it silents. 40 calories worth of crystal light. I embrace this. I’m a binge eater who is trying to lean the other way. I binge, may purge, and back to under eating, but it this is who I am. I know being thin will get me both positive and negative attention all due to my size. I want to be so skinny I get stares and praise. Things I want as a thin woman. I want to be noticed and get the attention I lacked. I want to feel like I do on the inside….small. I want that to reflect the outside of me. Next time Im sad and crying I don’t want to curl up and feel mounds of flesh, but I want to curl up and feel me. When people see me not eating I want people to show concern. As of now I’m don’t eat or little people don’t notice and likely thinking deep down I can afford to skip a few meals anyway. I want to feel my ribs, not huge amounts of fat.

I looked in the mirror and slowly I’m getting a figure again. My body is fighting and trying not to lose weight at all. The more it fights the less I have to eat. Its hard. I would love to sit back and go back to binge eating on cheap foods.

When people see me outside walking in a slowish pace, limping,driving by me thinking man….(lets be honest)..

Why are black women so fat…mean while other races in scooters passing by also morbidly obese or worse/same as me.

I just want to be thin so bad………….

I been feeling down still after that resident. Already over worked, under paid, tired, and alone (girls don’t count). Right now its my focus on food and not eating food that gives me some form of life. I don’t know how to explain it.

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3 Responses to “Trying not to become the cat lady,proudly embracing my eating disorder its my minds way of begging for the attention I always wanted,and work”

  1. miss Williams Says:

    Hey, dear, I know exactly how you feel, and what you want, how do I know that, six months ago I was in almost the same state as you are but worse, I was suicidal, I hated myself and my body, I hated the fact that I couldn’t stick to a diet n complete it, which left me gaining more weight. But it all changed when I read an interview on one of the celebs, well I wanted to lose weight fast, I wasn’t interested in the ‘change of lifestyle’ eating, I wanted to be ana thin. So I read the article and that lady said ‘it all starts with being able to stand in front of the mirror naked, and regarless of what size you are, just tell yourself that You are beautiful, You are sexy, You are hot and I love you.’ I tried it and it was crazy weird and awkward, but that was because I never told myself that, especially in front of the mirror, but I did it anyway. I know it sound crazy but I felt happier, and had started accepting the way I was, which made it way easier for me accept change, before I even changing my eating habits, I had lost 7kg in 5 days, just by lookingat my naked body nd saying to myself I’m beautiful, and sexy. Try it, and let me know how it went. I weighed 99.2 kg last oct 14, now Feb 15 I’m at 87 kg, just from self love.

  2. ebonnie Says:

    Thanks for commenting. I understand about self hating ones self. And thats amazing. Just by saying you lost weight. I tried it, but I think it works best when you believe what you say. Do you still practice this?

  3. miss Williams Says:

    Well at first I did not belive, but I continued practicing it, and as time went by I started to believe it because I was seeing change in the numbers on my scale. I still practice it, especially when I’m feeling down or fat.

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