Archive for February, 2015

Lacking compassion with self….and learning to have more understanding, compassion,and patience with self.

February 16, 2015

Working as a cna/aide is one of the worst jobs to be trapped in. Residents wanting you to drop everything for them (when your clearly busy helping another), I tried to clean someone whose poop was so bad (due to his meds) it was so strong I threw up clear nothing (since I thankfully haven’t eaten yet). You have very few nice ones, but many makes you not want to care for another soul again. Five days ago a resident in his 40’s, with his mind right, just disabled….(slightly changes subject) I try to be nice to all, I even buy (on the very rare) candy to the residents, I try to listen about their lives growing up as they lay in their beds with snacks, but there is never no time to listen let alone a proper break. Well five days go this resident cursed me out, dumb ass this, fucker, fuck you, and followed me…when it was time for me to go home. Like I mentioned before I cried all day into the next day. The don ect. expect me to work with that monster. He did say sorry and can we be friends? I was shocked and thought he lost his mind. So you want this mother fucker, dumb ass,ect to be friends with you :/

Being talked down like that crushed me badly. I felt awful for days. I went outside and out of no where I was blinded by my own tears. I could see, but my eyes were full of water. I felt the urge to cry randomly for days. I requested time off from work. I knew they would grant it to me after how I was treated and no nurse stopped it. Nine days off from a job I been trying to escape from. I was going to see my family. My mom was the one who told me to take time off to visit.

Thats when things got worse.

I have a payday loan out. I needed 30 dollars. With payday loans min you can take out is 100…so I had to. Food/bus transportation. I don’t make a lot of money. I need money. I can’t afford a car, and it seems I owe the world. And taking time off I will miss five days worth of pay. The round trip is 168 dollars. My mom said I need to pay 60 of it. Problem is my cell phone bill, pay day loan,I’m paid semi monthly, and taking time off is already me paying over 60 as it is. Another thing is I don’t live with family (im in another state) , my adult sister lives with my mom and doesn’t work, eats there free, cable, has her own room, mom treats her out to movies and fast food and restaurants. All that adds up…so to me why can’t she pay the whole ticket? When I said I’m about to lose my place my family sent no funds, no help, zero.  My sister gets way more then me always.

I told her everything about how I need help,  and by visiting I’m taking a risk financially as it is. She then said well you got cats (its cheap to feed cats) and they cost money. And if you managed your money right…and she went on and on. Putting me down when I do that pretty well on my own….so there goes my family visit trip.

1) Rude resident who cursed me out.

2) My mom putting me down and as always my sister gets it all. Not long ago they had steak with potatoes. I would love to afford some steak at a decent restaurant or even store bought.

So I decide to call my aunt. BIG mistake. She blamed me. Said thats why no one likes to talk to me, and no one wants to be bothered with me, I told her shes wrong and since she is a therapist with a PHD (who helps students at a university) how could she talk to me like this? I wanted to know how does she talk to her clients??? She said see thats your problem your trying to be cute. I said no I want to know. She said your not my client and never will be my client , I’m your aunt!

She went on and on and as soon as I try to get a word in she says see thats your problem you don’t listen!

She then says SHUT UP,SHUT UP,SHUT UP,SHUT UP. I was shocked. I told her as she kept saying this. I never told another human to shut up, and that I have more class then that to do so. She then says over and over…IM HANGING UP,IM HANGING UP,IM HANGING UP. I beat her to it and CLICKED. I did so before she did.

My aunt the therapist with a PHD in psychology made me feel even worse. When I shared my life to someone she said shes amazed I haven’t killed myself yet. I told her the thought to do so was strong in the past, but I always think if I do so……..then I no longer have a voice. Those who made me feel my worst, made me feel like shit will speak for me. Likely saying how I had so many problems aka never putting the blame on themselves.

I come from a family who some are educated, some are not.

They see no flaws in themselves…such as leaving teenage me stranded outside 12am in the morning as men passed by slowly trying to get me in their cars…but drove in darkness to find my sister who was hanging out with the wrong crowd. They say I can’t get over things (I won’t forget), and how the men my family get with ruined not only my childhood, but some other things too.

1)Resident cursing me out

2)Not visiting family and mom putting me down to prove a point

3)Aunt letting me know that no one wants to even talk to me

All happened within 4 days. It was too much. I was angry, crying, and just very hurt. I hate them I said to myself. Why do I have to have this family!??!? Its backwards. My younger sister is given a car, but not me. Nothing makes any sense. Favorites are a huge thing in this family.

I have already gone through enough past and present. My life seems to be going nowhere. I need to return to school, but too costly to do so.

I was online just to be online. I read a article about how we talk to ourselves and we need to have compassion. Just like you would talk to a friend, why not talk to yourself the same way. You wouldn’t point out all your friends flaws and make them feel terrible.

I broke down so hard in tears. Typing this now in tears. I never got compassion from my family, and I never gave myself compassion either. Just like my family I only saw everything wrong with me. My education sucked growing up too. Teachers let me pass without me trying, my mom didn’t want to help me because I wasn’t  fast learner like my other sister. I was only good at reading. Grammar,and math I rank lowly (proof in my blog I know). I need math to get any education….so to be honest I can only go so far. I only know the worse of me. And nothing else. I did get a A in a college course…………only because the professor kept telling me I can do it, and kept saying positive things until I believed him. Once the class was over…not all professors are as encouraging.

I can’t get compassion from my family, nor will they ever see their mistakes and how their words hurt me. Even if I pretend to forget I will never let it go. I want to remember everything so when I get married without them knowing someday they can know why.

As of today I will try my best to have more compassion with self…

Yes I’m 27 with no degree, never had a boyfriend, in awful low paying job, with disorders over food, but its ok(Im trying to say its ok…)

My first goal (outside of continuing my weight loss)

Is to teach myself math.

Sadly to bring my skills from 5th grade to college…seems like something I shouldn’t even try, but I will have compassion and understanding that yes my past made me who I am today, but it doesn’t have to be my future.

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Trying not to become the cat lady,proudly embracing my eating disorder its my minds way of begging for the attention I always wanted,and work

February 13, 2015

It was already bad enough being single and alone, but with cats I completed the final scene. The many times I couldn’t walk (due to bone spur in ankle) my cats would just lay there and stare at me, or play with each other , as I struggled to crawl to the bath room. For a moment I confess I decided to temp invest in adult diapers. Deep down I thought how I wish I could prove to be temp disabled. I mean if I binge eat a lot and with all my might try to stand, but can’t due to extreme pain…when all I wanted to do is take five steps to the kitchen, but can’t??? That says a lot! I was taking 6-9 over the counter meds for pain and inflammation with black coffee (since it enhances the inflammation pills) And still had a lot of pain. I looked at my cats and wish they were dogs trained to assist the  disabled  (like turning of and on lights, fetching items such as food, and being large enough to lean my weight on)

What would be nice:

Couple of years a go someone I kinda knew said I’m becoming a future cat lady. I said I would never be a cat lady! In my mind I saw myself as a slim woman, who happened to own cats when in reality I was morbidly obese, single with cats.

My life is work,pain , and my cats.

I now understand my cats, how they react and I learned of their talents.

Like since once I lay down I usually can’t walk again for hoursssssssssssss. Cats are independent pets. I whistle…..and whistle trapped in bed wanting to cuddle with my pets. Dogs on average would run towards their owners for love and attention. I have to whistle because I know it annoys them for their nap to be ruined. I don’t know how they figured this, but once I whistle a cat decided who turn it is for them to be near me (for kisses, rubs, and cuddle time) I even saw my cats look at each other as if saying you need to go up there with her this time! No you! They take turns…yes its gotten sad where even my cats know I need a life outside of them. Or I love picking one up as I sit in the chair and the meow of annoyance is priceless. Cats are not dogs. Dogs would love this. My boy cat wakes me up sometimes  3am, 4am to play fetch with his claim of toy my hair scrunchy. I will toss it non stop, he fetches , and brings it back like a dog…over and over. Sometimes I have to pretend I’m deeply asleep, but meows and meows for fetch time.

I can go on and on about my cats and deep down (as a dog person mainly) that pretty much scares me.

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Its part of who I am. Nothing will change my extreme thoughts on food and body size. The damage is done based on how I been treated as someone my size.As of now my 3x pants fall down ,2x are kinda loose. I can walk sooner then waiting hours, I no longer take pills daily. I mean I took so many pills yet still suffered pain. I now just use some type of bengay cream on my ankles. I still have pain, but its not so extreme anymore(in pain rating through 1-10. Its no longer a ten, but a 8). I still limp, and I still walk too slow, but at least I can stand sooner vs before. I bite my nails I notice when I think of food, I wake up thinking of wendys, pizza hut ect. I day dream of food. Or how such and such would taste so good such as bbq, Or cheesecake ect. Yet even though I suffer such food type fantasies….daily I allow my stomach to growl, I only had 40 calories three days ago, the next 800, and yesterday 1222 calories and may just have 40 calories again today. At work three days ago a resident called me a dumb ass, mother fucker this and that, followed me saying the worst things you could say to anyone. In his 40’s and knows better. And like a Mexican resident said sometimes it can be your own people who can treat you like shit. And here was my own race saying such awful things that I cried in private with my co-worker comforting me, I cried all the way home having the bus driver and the guy I see sometimes who rides the same route trying to cheer me up, I got home and cried some more. It was hard …it was very very hard. I felt the urge to eat a whole box of cereal, to drink sugar and go for pizza, eat until I puked. Instead I allowed myself to feel all the hurt over some resident who didn’t get his way. I was in the right, he said sorry…but his sorry met nothing the next day. I been called slow because I didn’t react asap in the past (I’m nice and it over powers me telling people off asap, so only two people…who are pretty much hoodish said this about me) , or because my sister can learn things instantly when I always had to study for hours, and feeling like total shit because I’m fat, nothing to be proud of, broke, and need to get a education…but too costly. I already feel my life is just existing. So here this resident basically following me and publicly putting me down the worse way when I already feel like a failure. I thought of how my child hood should of been better not dealing with my mothers abuse, trying to call cops, nothing ever seemed right. Time flew by and next min I’m a adult.

That day I had 40 calories. I cried, allowed myself to feel hurt, even the next day, the next,and the next. I stayed clear of this resident who said could we be friends(after calling me a dumb ass, and a fucker,ect). I was honest and said I don’t feel comfortable answering that…since the true answer in my mind was HELL NO.  I know he’s sad how he treated me, he even sounds different, and no longer says he don’t give a fuck (his daily motto) I was the only one who did my best to put up with him. He saw my kindness as weakness. He told me off worse then anyone who works there. The nicer folks get the worse treatment.

1)Being thin will make things better.

2)Stop self punishing yourself.

3)Whats the point of eating that?

4)If you lose the weight you can land a better job.

I say these things through out the day to myself.

When I ate 40 calories…I felt powerful. When my stomach grumbles its odd. I hate it since I’m a binge eater, but at the same time I embrace the hunger sounds. I just sip more crystal light(5 calories) until it silents. 40 calories worth of crystal light. I embrace this. I’m a binge eater who is trying to lean the other way. I binge, may purge, and back to under eating, but it this is who I am. I know being thin will get me both positive and negative attention all due to my size. I want to be so skinny I get stares and praise. Things I want as a thin woman. I want to be noticed and get the attention I lacked. I want to feel like I do on the inside….small. I want that to reflect the outside of me. Next time Im sad and crying I don’t want to curl up and feel mounds of flesh, but I want to curl up and feel me. When people see me not eating I want people to show concern. As of now I’m don’t eat or little people don’t notice and likely thinking deep down I can afford to skip a few meals anyway. I want to feel my ribs, not huge amounts of fat.

I looked in the mirror and slowly I’m getting a figure again. My body is fighting and trying not to lose weight at all. The more it fights the less I have to eat. Its hard. I would love to sit back and go back to binge eating on cheap foods.

When people see me outside walking in a slowish pace, limping,driving by me thinking man….(lets be honest)..

Why are black women so fat…mean while other races in scooters passing by also morbidly obese or worse/same as me.

I just want to be thin so bad………….

I been feeling down still after that resident. Already over worked, under paid, tired, and alone (girls don’t count). Right now its my focus on food and not eating food that gives me some form of life. I don’t know how to explain it.