People being TOO nice to me today and I think I know why, reflecting on being a fat child and everything I missed out on, and co-workers see my fat as being strong enough to lift a 6 foot tall dead weight man

Besides bus drivers now lowering their buses so I can walk on vs reach up and have to lift my whole self up due to the pain in my ankles. Also sometimes riding for free because the bus driver gets that if he/she drives I may fall down, so instead they say go sit down and pay next time then risk me falling on the bus floors (some just wait until I’m seated). In a twisted way I’m getting a different type of treatment even though skinny girl/woman treatment is still superior aka a guy will give her a ride in his CAR, this is pretty good for a obese girl due to not wanting a lawsuit or feel guilty of me being hurt. I walk side to side due to pain and today was unnatural. It can’t be because of the Holidays because on my worst days with limping this happens. Today from my own (black) to white, to latino came up to me randomly to discuss what their going to cook, or the secret ingredient in their dish no one knows, but them…and now me, I did a lot of fake laughing…there laughing after making up a small joke and I’m laughing with them to be polite when really I’m the Grinch this season due to still ignoring my family, no boyfriend, in pain, job sucks, and again no boyfriend. Everyone all happy around me its almost like a punishment. I think because I’m fat I’m not a threat and walking …special like I can’t be a bad person.

I wish I could back in time as a child. Yes my childhood sucked, but I could jump rope without worrying about breaking my knees once coming back down, or no limping, but at some point with consent binging in 5th grade I was chubby maybe safe to say 20 pounds over weight or 30?? I didn’t know it at the time. I mean I tried out randomly for baseball and I recall all the kids yelling run faster omg and shes going too slow and next minute I walked….and somehow I was never called back into the game. I still didn’t get I was fat until one day…the teacher put on a program about being nice. The puppets were colorful and one puppet was mean to the other puppet. With its fake little hand it hit the other puppet..which made me laugh. My semi play ground playmate with his red freckles, red hair and blue eyes told me hey thats not funny….which made me laugh harder. He said how would you feel if people laughed that you were fat(He wasn’t going for me laughing at a puppet harming another puppet) and yes I stopped laughing as he turned back to watching the happy ending of the puppets becoming friends. Later I got fatter with all the abuse my mom allowed from her husband I kept on going. And being treated like a step child made things worse.

-Under age and shopping in the adult section. I hated shopping for clothes because adults had blacks and browns and boring un-trendy clothes. I would go to school not in the cutest clothing. My age group didn’t go up to my size.

-I hated how even then I turned to food.

-As a teen instead of when thinner in 4th grade ignoring the guys attention, I noticed the attention pretty much stopped unless it was guys seeking sex for their first time or more.

-In high school my friend was also obese. I never had the group of thin friends sharing ways of how we all stay thin and what guy is cute and dare so and so to ask that person out.

-Seeing former classmates doing well in classes as I fell behind because my family didn’t hire a tutor like Peter got who was way behind me! Now was doing great in advanced classes or seeing so and so from 5th grade who use to wear braces and as a joke my mom called my teeth a picket fence or compare my feet to a obese male friend of hers for humor. I learned that many do have it better then me.

-In 5th grade I do recall sneaking for snacks, but later I cared less who saw me ate or how much I ate.

Within a week…

-Been told three times by my boss I’m a big girl so I should be able to lift both grown men and women. Fat is not muscle. I seen strong obese women who had a ACTIVE past. My past was never lifting weights, jogging ect.

-Three co-workers didnt understand how I couldn’t pick up a man who is 6 feet something tall and 200 pounds off the floor. When I demanded them to try it they simply walked away. It took a man and me and two other women to get him up and I woke up with sore upper arms and this was three days ago.

-In my mind being a fat woman means your a muscle bound man. I notice other fat women at work are treated the same.

-Residents rather me struggle and push them because they think big equals strong. Fat is not strength.

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