Lying food addict, Hope,being single in a pro single and independent world

Fat/weight discrimination exists every where. The great guys that look me over, the jobs that can’t see a larger person working as a receptionist even when they say will train the right person, to being scolded by a EMT about how I should lose weight after I called due to thinking I was having a heart attack when I was just very stressed out…long speech in front of his co-worker, to being told how they love my voice and hired twice over the phone and twice showing up somehow its been filled. I have compassion when I saw a 400 something pound lady barely walking with her short and skinny friend encouraging each step she took. Even myself going through some serious struggles, but…..but….

I lose compassion for lying food addicts!!!!!!!!!!! I would have more respect if honest.

At work….this happens often. The woman is bed bound, diabetic in her 50’s and morbidly obese like her father both in a nursing home. She screams, gets loud about how her legs hurt, feet hurt, back hurt ect. just for us (already short staff with no time for a 15 min. break) gets loud where OUR nurse (not the other shift nurses) caves in and next min were getting out the machine to lift her in the air and into her chair only to see her somehow healed because she wants to find a locale restaurant,or buy donuts and sweets at the store, or chinese take out the list gets long. On top of the three course meals she gets mc donalds and other large meals from family on the outside, plus snacks in between. Instead of screaming I wish she just say I want more food get me up to get my fix vs. lying and causing a huge uproar for food. She brought back food and was smiling ear to ear and told me looooook! I looked and already annoyed said well…I seen (food item) before  she laughed and was in heaven in her wheel chair.I felt disgusted yet I’m a food addict…..what helps me is I have no family bringing me food, nor any true friends towing take out ect my way one does, but its so rare it happened last year twice. I ride the bus so…been craving wendys for about a month, but won’t ride a 30min trip to wendys. Nor do I get three course meals because I live in a nursing home. I just rather her be honest because the kitchen staff…when they hear she wants a 2nd or 3rd plate they say she don’t deserve anymore, even other workers joke about it vs the underweight residents to average no one says a word only good for them and happily bring a extra plate.

On a rare lunch break, the food addict found me in a store. I was ready to binge on peaches  and flavored water (better then my past binges) I got upset because someone at work told her where I was. She rushed in looking at all the foods. I was not spending my rare break with work. A worker overheard me and was going to tell me where I could get a job she would make sure would hire me………….but I ride the bus and it would take a longer time to work there. People are slowly quitting and slowly I’m seeing new faces….and some of those new faces last days only to be replaced again. My favorite co-worker who only been there a month more then me is forever gone. A better wage elsewhere in a new area buses don’t go that far. Deep down I admit….the regulars are vanishing and someday I will join them. Some of the residents are sadden. Ones that went PRN ….sometimes mean never returning again. The worse cna’s that hide, are mean, ect. are the ones that seem to stay forever. I too admit I am sadden at the rare few who are leaving. Residents have told me never to leave them and please don’t leave them. I do care, I joke with them, I’m honest to them. Several wanted me to be their future private duty if they ever get released. What makes people quit is being over worked and not paid enough for all we do. Long story short I saw another former employee who has the same licenses I have, but makes 16-18 a hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some time today I will apply and hope she can get me in somehow. If this place wants me tomorrow or next week….forget giving a two week notice! Benefits, better pay, pay for my classes!!! She told me that they encourage their employees to get a education. My job two days ago denied me time off (unpaid) just to heal. Thats what my former co-worker say she will refer me. I know its never promised, but helps. I been through hell at this job, but deep down even I admit I will miss some of the residents, but I have to do whats best for me. They too would do the same if they could.

I found thousands of sayings about being happy and single. Many pictures with words of how being alone is ideal. I have to remind myself daily that yes I’m really 27 and never had  a boyfriend….ever. When all I wanted was a guy who is not only seeking me out for sex the end, but a actual relationship that sometimes I can’t see myself in a relationship. It doesn’t seem possible because its been that long that I’m unsure deep down if I could handle being in a two vs my always one. Years ago I had day dreams of cooking and cleaning and being married and happy, or having a loving boyfriend to spend time with, me and my long distance friend would share recipes we would cook for our husbands and the fun things we would do with our kids. And not being single with kids, but living how any woman who desires a loving relationship should. If the weight doesn’t come off I do understand I am single for life. It would be such a long wait to meet my maker to not suffer being alone. All this independent woman and single lady mess out these days make me cringe. Let me have one normal relationship and I guess I can play along that ll humans are happy to be alone and independent.


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