Archive for December, 2014

Sadly still drooling over men, people of my own age group helping me walk safely… even sadder

December 30, 2014

I promised myself 2015 I will have my first boyfriend and all the experiences that go with having a boyfriend…..

Just total bliss. And just think me…me with a actual ex boyfriend like other normal people…to have a actual ex instead of pretending to because I’m 27 years old and not willing to take any guy just to have one. A ex who at one point were both into each other and were a actual couple….did he cheat?? Did we just fall apart???? I can only dream as I enter into a new relationship. No longer forcing my cats to cuddle with me as they look at me with their glowing reflecting eyes meowing for me to let go, or begging them to sleep in bed instead of far away from me on the floor because they want a break from me, but a human who I want to be with. Then someday marriage…and KIDS.

At work this guy I’m guessing in is late 30’s came with his very obese brother to visit. I wondered if they had different mothers or fathers because I didn’t see any features that matched each other. I was speechless he was tall, swimmers build, dirty blonde hair and not a butter face. I wasn’t making any since trying to focus on him visiting his brothers friend.

And please don’t get me started on the list of other guys outside of work. All I want is one guy just one of those. Instead I have all the lil wayne wanna be’s and ones who want me to be their baby mama’s with zero support tracking me down. Highly depressing.

After work my ankle was killing me. Two people of my age range and race came out of no where. The girl grabbed my arm to help me walk over a hump (When I don’t take my pills and put on my pain creams I am a fall risk) she saw me and said she had to help me. Where the same age range and now I’m really being assisted like a frail elderly woman. I told her thank you.


I will have a boyfriend

I will have a boyfriend

I will have a boyfriend

I never had one to the point sometimes I feel….is it even possible? So many questions, but so little time.

Its best to be under weight then over weight.

I see all these thin girls living it up besides me.


15 pounds in 5 days

December 17, 2014


With a personal journal (note book or paper stapled together doesn’t matter)

Write why you want to be thin/thinner and how it can improve your life. Any thin woman so and so told you about who has a terrible life remember it was her choice. Thin women have choices vs fat women when it comes to men and better luck at landing jobs where they meet more guys who are interested in them. I can go on about the size 4 woman who is abused by her boyfriend, but unlike others I will tell you that a guy who has been her friend for years and desperate for her thinness…coughs I mean… love stuck by her until shes good and ready to leave her abuser as she seeks understanding about how she can’t leave him when she has a wonderful guy wanting her including strangers.


I never heard of any runway models having issues finding a date or husband. Thinness attracts the guy. Look at magazines geared to men the women on their covers are far from chubby. If men went for the second girl their would be a out rage of men demanding that they put women like her more vs the first pic with maybe fake boobs attached. Many runway girls range from 00,0,2,4,and 6 is pushing it for the fashion world yet none are online on forums saying how they believe their weight and size are keeping them from the men they want. Key word is the men they want. Unless your deathly thin not the wannabe ana thin your ok. People say you should eat more, or are you sick is only ways to guilt you into gaining again to make them feel better. If your with a guy who wants you to gain weight RUN, because many men exist who would like you as is. He could find a chubby girl anywhere in the world…always side eye a guy who passes a sea of chubby girls or bigger just for you to get bigger too :/


1) Buy a few bags of frozen section broccoli (98 cents each at walmart)

2) I use extra virgin olive oil, but never a serving the calories too high! I put maybe 2-4 drops in a empty pot. On low/med and since the veggies will start to melt the water with the tap of oil is enough to cook with.

3) I then add some garlic (due to benefits) and a little crushed red peppers (due to benefits) and a dash of turmeric (due to benefits) I have inflammation in my ankles due to bone spur, so these seasonings been helping me where yes I limp a little, but t least I no longer wake up having to crawl on the floor and…myself trying to get to the bathroom! Besides that these have weight loss benefits and a whole host of benefits with long term use. The red peppers alone has decreased my food intake naturally. Remember I use to eat a whole pie, or a large pizza hut pizza, ect. I think since really decreasing my intake on food….I had a dream I went to this Asian restaurant and oddly all the food looked grossed to me, but I couldn’t stop eating peanut butter cookies and ice cream. My co-worker came in and said shes not going to come tomorrow to try and get cookies and ice cream herself since I’m eating them all. I woke up craving these items, but thought of something else to get my mind off it.

4) Oddly this tastes good. Sometimes I add a cup of low sodium beef broth if I feel I need to feel a little more full. Even a few mushrooms are safe after cooking them of course. Rarely, but adding a half a cup of water to increase my chances of being full faster.

5) Eat this only through out the day with diet juice such as diet v8, diet green tea (Arizona brand is the best), gum is ok, and black coffee with cinnamon (due to weight loss benefits and halting urges to binge or eat in general for a hour or more)

6) If I’m in a rush I just use the microwave and simply heat up the broccoli, skip the oil drops, and add garlic ect.


1) Never rush yourself. If you only have a few minutes to eat take bite or two and return to it when you have time.

2) Slow bites, savor it even if its gross to you. The benefits out weigh the eww. Its full of flavor, so your not missing out, low calories so no guilt and no limit really on how much you eat of it. For me 1-2 bowls of it is enough and under 400 calories for sure.

3) Wait 1-3 minutes before the next bite…hard very hard.

4) Sip on diet juice or water during this.


1. Say to yourself you can do this.

2. Get a cup of black coffee with a dash of cinnamon (a little splenda doesn’t hurt)

3. Look at the time is it 9am or 1pm? Do you really want to throw in the towel now when you came so far in hours? Around the corner will be day 2

4.Take a nap if possible

5. Lay down and practice deep breathing, think of happy or sad thoughts. Any thought besides food. Massage your stomach and press it flat until you feel the urge is gone

6. What are you craving? Is it something sweet? Maybe crunchy and salty, is it fast food. On your phone or computer type in the food you desire….lets do a example.

Both items would of had your mouth watering if it wasn’t aged. Think of any food you want and picture it gross from worms in ice cream, roaches in pasta, ect.

Always try a new diet, so you won’t get bored. Like mono mangos sounds sooooo good right now.

People being TOO nice to me today and I think I know why, reflecting on being a fat child and everything I missed out on, and co-workers see my fat as being strong enough to lift a 6 foot tall dead weight man

December 4, 2014

Besides bus drivers now lowering their buses so I can walk on vs reach up and have to lift my whole self up due to the pain in my ankles. Also sometimes riding for free because the bus driver gets that if he/she drives I may fall down, so instead they say go sit down and pay next time then risk me falling on the bus floors (some just wait until I’m seated). In a twisted way I’m getting a different type of treatment even though skinny girl/woman treatment is still superior aka a guy will give her a ride in his CAR, this is pretty good for a obese girl due to not wanting a lawsuit or feel guilty of me being hurt. I walk side to side due to pain and today was unnatural. It can’t be because of the Holidays because on my worst days with limping this happens. Today from my own (black) to white, to latino came up to me randomly to discuss what their going to cook, or the secret ingredient in their dish no one knows, but them…and now me, I did a lot of fake laughing…there laughing after making up a small joke and I’m laughing with them to be polite when really I’m the Grinch this season due to still ignoring my family, no boyfriend, in pain, job sucks, and again no boyfriend. Everyone all happy around me its almost like a punishment. I think because I’m fat I’m not a threat and walking …special like I can’t be a bad person.

I wish I could back in time as a child. Yes my childhood sucked, but I could jump rope without worrying about breaking my knees once coming back down, or no limping, but at some point with consent binging in 5th grade I was chubby maybe safe to say 20 pounds over weight or 30?? I didn’t know it at the time. I mean I tried out randomly for baseball and I recall all the kids yelling run faster omg and shes going too slow and next minute I walked….and somehow I was never called back into the game. I still didn’t get I was fat until one day…the teacher put on a program about being nice. The puppets were colorful and one puppet was mean to the other puppet. With its fake little hand it hit the other puppet..which made me laugh. My semi play ground playmate with his red freckles, red hair and blue eyes told me hey thats not funny….which made me laugh harder. He said how would you feel if people laughed that you were fat(He wasn’t going for me laughing at a puppet harming another puppet) and yes I stopped laughing as he turned back to watching the happy ending of the puppets becoming friends. Later I got fatter with all the abuse my mom allowed from her husband I kept on going. And being treated like a step child made things worse.

-Under age and shopping in the adult section. I hated shopping for clothes because adults had blacks and browns and boring un-trendy clothes. I would go to school not in the cutest clothing. My age group didn’t go up to my size.

-I hated how even then I turned to food.

-As a teen instead of when thinner in 4th grade ignoring the guys attention, I noticed the attention pretty much stopped unless it was guys seeking sex for their first time or more.

-In high school my friend was also obese. I never had the group of thin friends sharing ways of how we all stay thin and what guy is cute and dare so and so to ask that person out.

-Seeing former classmates doing well in classes as I fell behind because my family didn’t hire a tutor like Peter got who was way behind me! Now was doing great in advanced classes or seeing so and so from 5th grade who use to wear braces and as a joke my mom called my teeth a picket fence or compare my feet to a obese male friend of hers for humor. I learned that many do have it better then me.

-In 5th grade I do recall sneaking for snacks, but later I cared less who saw me ate or how much I ate.

Within a week…

-Been told three times by my boss I’m a big girl so I should be able to lift both grown men and women. Fat is not muscle. I seen strong obese women who had a ACTIVE past. My past was never lifting weights, jogging ect.

-Three co-workers didnt understand how I couldn’t pick up a man who is 6 feet something tall and 200 pounds off the floor. When I demanded them to try it they simply walked away. It took a man and me and two other women to get him up and I woke up with sore upper arms and this was three days ago.

-In my mind being a fat woman means your a muscle bound man. I notice other fat women at work are treated the same.

-Residents rather me struggle and push them because they think big equals strong. Fat is not strength.

Lying food addict, Hope,being single in a pro single and independent world

December 4, 2014

Fat/weight discrimination exists every where. The great guys that look me over, the jobs that can’t see a larger person working as a receptionist even when they say will train the right person, to being scolded by a EMT about how I should lose weight after I called due to thinking I was having a heart attack when I was just very stressed out…long speech in front of his co-worker, to being told how they love my voice and hired twice over the phone and twice showing up somehow its been filled. I have compassion when I saw a 400 something pound lady barely walking with her short and skinny friend encouraging each step she took. Even myself going through some serious struggles, but…..but….

I lose compassion for lying food addicts!!!!!!!!!!! I would have more respect if honest.

At work….this happens often. The woman is bed bound, diabetic in her 50’s and morbidly obese like her father both in a nursing home. She screams, gets loud about how her legs hurt, feet hurt, back hurt ect. just for us (already short staff with no time for a 15 min. break) gets loud where OUR nurse (not the other shift nurses) caves in and next min were getting out the machine to lift her in the air and into her chair only to see her somehow healed because she wants to find a locale restaurant,or buy donuts and sweets at the store, or chinese take out the list gets long. On top of the three course meals she gets mc donalds and other large meals from family on the outside, plus snacks in between. Instead of screaming I wish she just say I want more food get me up to get my fix vs. lying and causing a huge uproar for food. She brought back food and was smiling ear to ear and told me looooook! I looked and already annoyed said well…I seen (food item) before  she laughed and was in heaven in her wheel chair.I felt disgusted yet I’m a food addict…..what helps me is I have no family bringing me food, nor any true friends towing take out ect my way one does, but its so rare it happened last year twice. I ride the bus so…been craving wendys for about a month, but won’t ride a 30min trip to wendys. Nor do I get three course meals because I live in a nursing home. I just rather her be honest because the kitchen staff…when they hear she wants a 2nd or 3rd plate they say she don’t deserve anymore, even other workers joke about it vs the underweight residents to average no one says a word only good for them and happily bring a extra plate.

On a rare lunch break, the food addict found me in a store. I was ready to binge on peaches  and flavored water (better then my past binges) I got upset because someone at work told her where I was. She rushed in looking at all the foods. I was not spending my rare break with work. A worker overheard me and was going to tell me where I could get a job she would make sure would hire me………….but I ride the bus and it would take a longer time to work there. People are slowly quitting and slowly I’m seeing new faces….and some of those new faces last days only to be replaced again. My favorite co-worker who only been there a month more then me is forever gone. A better wage elsewhere in a new area buses don’t go that far. Deep down I admit….the regulars are vanishing and someday I will join them. Some of the residents are sadden. Ones that went PRN ….sometimes mean never returning again. The worse cna’s that hide, are mean, ect. are the ones that seem to stay forever. I too admit I am sadden at the rare few who are leaving. Residents have told me never to leave them and please don’t leave them. I do care, I joke with them, I’m honest to them. Several wanted me to be their future private duty if they ever get released. What makes people quit is being over worked and not paid enough for all we do. Long story short I saw another former employee who has the same licenses I have, but makes 16-18 a hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some time today I will apply and hope she can get me in somehow. If this place wants me tomorrow or next week….forget giving a two week notice! Benefits, better pay, pay for my classes!!! She told me that they encourage their employees to get a education. My job two days ago denied me time off (unpaid) just to heal. Thats what my former co-worker say she will refer me. I know its never promised, but helps. I been through hell at this job, but deep down even I admit I will miss some of the residents, but I have to do whats best for me. They too would do the same if they could.

I found thousands of sayings about being happy and single. Many pictures with words of how being alone is ideal. I have to remind myself daily that yes I’m really 27 and never had  a boyfriend….ever. When all I wanted was a guy who is not only seeking me out for sex the end, but a actual relationship that sometimes I can’t see myself in a relationship. It doesn’t seem possible because its been that long that I’m unsure deep down if I could handle being in a two vs my always one. Years ago I had day dreams of cooking and cleaning and being married and happy, or having a loving boyfriend to spend time with, me and my long distance friend would share recipes we would cook for our husbands and the fun things we would do with our kids. And not being single with kids, but living how any woman who desires a loving relationship should. If the weight doesn’t come off I do understand I am single for life. It would be such a long wait to meet my maker to not suffer being alone. All this independent woman and single lady mess out these days make me cringe. Let me have one normal relationship and I guess I can play along that ll humans are happy to be alone and independent.