Thanksgiving was terrible, couldn’t walk the next day, but within the same day late at night my soul woke up and I feel at peace today…..so much to stay on another diet.

I have no family in this lone state. Mines is in the Sunshine state even though it was my mom’s idea to drag me here (or be homeless when when my grandmother allowed my awful trouble causing sister to stay with her). What made me stay was the fact I had to do a lot to enroll in school, and long story short I remember my cousin who lived with us here and was the driver for them headed back to the state we came from. Everyone packed, but me. I thought no. I was 24 I think at the time (27 today and gotten nowhere just bad luck and more bad luck). I never forget my two other sisters, cousin and mom upfront all waving goodbye to me and so did I. It was hard the first time being on my own many months later (stayed with a friend temp. with her family) If I could go back in time I wish…I said forget this yee haw state, hoped in the back seat and never looked back. Its been a month and maybe 3 weeks since I been ignoring my family and not even calling on Thanksgiving.

On Thanksgiving day everyone at work didn’t have it as bad as me. At least they had family in the same state to celebrate with. At the nursing home I cringed deep down when residents and co-workers said HAPPY Thanksgiving. The word HAPPY bothered me, but that whole day I said it back to be polite, texted some the same since it would be wrong not to. I felt the same way as the residents who were stuck there during Thanksgiving. Some got to leave to have dinner with their family, but the majority not.

My Thanksgiving was spent complaining in my mind, lifting heavy residents, wiping poo and pee., emptying trash, took a 20 minute lunch break,and hours go by and 4 pain pills later I was still limping, and could barely walk to the point a nurse thought it was funny to walk real slow like me right next to me.  I ended up staying longer (not what I wanted to do) and thanks to the Holiday no buses were running near my work area………so I had a long, slow bone spur pain, walk to the bus station which is really under a 2 minute drive. Couple of coworkers couldn’t see themselves driving the opposite way then turning back towards where they live, or the guy who been begging me for sex since he started working there(not doing it for a 2 minute ride).

It was so dark out as usual. So alone as usual. Listened to some music on the walk very tempted to stop and take a break and sit near a post light, but kept pushing through the pain knowing I wouldn’t be walking tomorrow. Luck that I was of the next day or would have to call out…again. Finally at the train station just me and two others waiting for the train forever. 30 minutes later on the train I played one of Madonna’s song “Frozen”.

Some of the lyrics:

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

You’re so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You’re broken
When your heart’s not open

[Chorus:]

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we’d never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there’s no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

I played this song over and over….it was like it was speaking to me and I had so many flash backs. I went into mourning as I saw my child self hoping for the best, living in fear, feeling unwanted, unloved, everything was playing in my mind from how I coped with my kid like drawings to food. I was mourning my life. I cried on the train trying not to.

Its true I’m frozen, a hard stone and once open, I shut everything. And at the end of the song she says your the key. I am the key to a better life, I can’t give up I thought. I decided right then car or no car, broke or with some form of savings 2016 Im headed back to Florida…me and my cats, so 2015 is my last year here and will figure out about a education back in my state or try something new to survive in Florida (not moving in with family, plus my cats are not welcomed).

I woke up and felt great pain my ankles. I tried, but couldn’t even stand. I was bed bound. I felt a all time low. I had to go to the bathroom…….I crawled and the ending 😦  never made it. I crawled back to bed..a few hours later…back on the floor trying to crawl….again failed. I was disgusted with myself. I had to cancel a outing with two people, unless they could carry me every where  couldn’t go anywhere. I was hungry too. I crawled to the tub (for obvious reasons) and washed. I crawled with huge struggle since the standard bath tubs in apartments are made for slim people not obese people.

Half the day went by….and I was trapped in bed. Like now as I type my boy cat stood by my side …even though many of times I wanted to get rid of them in the past. In the tub my cats wait outside the door, crawling back in bed the boy cat stays near by next to me. Who knew cats cared (girl cat kinda selfish).

Night fall came. I looked around and saw all the mess on my floor. All around me. Nasty mess from not being able to clean up after myself. After work I have to sit as soon as possible.

At 27 this is my life. My cure is a major weight loss. I texted some people when I can’t walk, its best I text because mentally I’m not really listening. I only can think of my pain. And I have to work hard to not snap at anyone because of it. Which sadly I done before.  I been ignoring my family, but miss texting my mom or hearing her voice sometimes, but her laughing at my pain made it the final straw. I will always have a bone spur, but with weight loss I won’t be bed bound for entire day!

I thought about the lyrics again in my mind. I’m the key…..I’m broken right now….

I’m the key…

Right then and there I had a light bulb moment and felt like my soul was renewed. I am the key and It won’t be like this forever….as long as I lose weight of course. The urge to binge died (Temp of course) and trapped in bed I decided to get back on Atkins (Temp.)

Today I was about to walk again.

Today I cleaned up the majority of stuff off my floor

Today I cooked low carb eggs and cheese with a side of strawberry Atkin shake

Today I feel at peace

Today is the day I won’t look back

No guy deserves a girl like me who is bed bound, and can’t walk. I have to work on me before I bring someone in my life anyway.

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2 Responses to “Thanksgiving was terrible, couldn’t walk the next day, but within the same day late at night my soul woke up and I feel at peace today…..so much to stay on another diet.”

  1. Keisha Ilene Says:

    Hey Ebonnie I’ve been reading your posts for years. You remind me so much of myself. I’m so sorry your having so much pain with your ankles. Have you ever thought of trying to get disability? My heart goes out to you! I hope you get better soon. I’m praying for you.
    Keisha

  2. ebonnie Says:

    Some have mentioned getting disability, but problem is having a bone spur…I don’t think it counts. Even if it did you have to prove it by not working and it could take 2 years to win like my mom. I don’t want to move back home in my former state just to sleep on the family sofa with a loud, attention wanting kid sister who loves to follow me and annoy me!! I can’t imagine, plus my grandmother would want me to pay rent still defeating the not working part. Thank you so much Keisha and more so for having patience I hope for my blog to have a happy ending someday soon.
    Thank you much 🙂

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