My life is nothing to admire (not good example), feeling guilty about feeling good about leaving college,diet

I live alone with two cats.

If anything was to happen to me no one would know. A stroke, over dose on meds (yesterday by mistake I was desperate for pain relief), anything, no one would know. I would be discovered by landlords after they give me two eviction notices. I never pictured my life like this and years keep flying by. My younger self saw a future brown skinned, happy woman with a thin body to die for and a life that would be so fulfilling I would never have any regrets. My teen self would say in my mind that someday things would get better…it never did many years later. On Sunday after work getting off at 10:30pm with the most selfish coworkers who wouldn’t drive 2 minutes down the street to take me to the train station. I walked 40 minutes in the cold a long and painful walk (which lead me to be desperate for 6 pills high in mg) On the way in pitch darkness, in a unsafe area still in my work area. A black man around the same age my real father would be now. He stopped me and questioned why was I out so late, no one willing to pick me up?!? I snapped back I’m coming from work. He said if I was his daughter I wouldn’t be out this time of night. No way in hell! He said it again. I continued to walk slow and painful steps (bone spur) and when I found myself a good distance I broke down in tears all the way home. Even the next day the slight thought of that man…..all I could do was think I wish I was someones daughter. I wish my real father wanted me and cherished me. And forever more I have to live with the fact I never had a father and make sure never to have kids unless I know and feel for sure he would be there for his own no matter what. I haven’t talked to my family. I feel let down by them greatly (my mom and grandmother and sisters are a joke). People are shocked I have no kids (Not stupid that its because of my race, even my own race are surprised)and I have a strong reason why I made sure I have no kids. Or when I’m sick the other ladies say oh oh…someone maybe pregnant (even though I’m not having sex at all they seem not to believe it) And my own race of men hear I have no kids they think its open season to hunt me down and tell me I should have their child….why so I can be a single more too like the women in my family and outside my family???  To continue the cycle of fatherless children?

And if your idol is lil wayne its best to stay very very far from me!!! Thats just begging to be a single mother on purpose!

If your a idol is salvage Garden lead singer (truly madly deeply) then there could be a future between us.

A suppose to friend was living with her sister and two nephews. She was texting me for days saying if I could live on her own why not she????

I told her I have no choice and if I had a decent sister like she did I would live with her! She said well I took one of my nephews rooms…I said well your family and I mean…??

She then text me photos with sayings of black women and being independent.

I told her that stuff is only given to us because of the wedlock rate we have and how we have no choice, but to do it or be homeless on the streets kids and all. I also told her any woman black or not who say they don’t need a man is only saying that because she has to do it all anyway because no man stepped up to the plate.

She said well how did you make it? I was honest…charities, begging one actual friend for help…she said well you still have a place.  I told her I am not a good example! I said how about you stay with your sister, save up maybe 3 months worth of rent and move in a DECENT area??

She moved out anyway…had seen her first eviction notice, went through panic and struggling more then before.

Then the actual friend who has a teen son and a adult son (guessing 20?) told me she tells her sons I’m someone to look up to. How I never give up…………they have her and their dad who can afford them, nice summer vacations, and if one really wanted to he could live in a non ghetto area and they would pay his rent ect. as he focus on friends and school.

Reminds me of a guy who had the nickname princess (yes gay) and in his early 30’s. Mommy and daddy bought him a condo as he focused on school. He worked as a waiter to kill boredom and meet new people.  Mean while 19 or 18 year old me was being told by my mom how I’m a adult now and no longer responsible for me (when upset).

Kills me when I see a teen driving a newish or old car, as I wait for the bus. I’m not a good example. I feel like I’m dying inside. I fake happy, joke a lot, but really wishing I was old enough for death and wait for the light to take my soul away. I’m not happy. I’m not a good example. Nothing to admire.

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Since leaving college since I was failing anyway….I felt real bad. Like my dream is over. My way of proving to family and the world and I am smart, that my life was awful from little and up yet I made it. In a perfect world, in few people, and in movies this does happen, but it didn’t for me.

I found out most people in college who are doing well are…

1) Living with parents who want their young adult kids to focus on their education. Not earning money and needing a full job to make it.

2) Married. The husband is working hard as his wife goes to college to earn a better wage for the family. Sometimes the woman works hard and the man foes to school….bad idea. It seems the men then trade his wife for younger modal after…coughs.

3) Older and the kids moved out. They tend to be married, but now can focus on a education. Working to make ends meet don’t seem like a huge thing. They have something where they focus on school

4) Then people like me of all age range. Have to work full time, maybe not a fast learner where we can open a book and learn in under 5 minutes. Our jobs are tiring and too much stress. About to lose apartment again …last week, health issues ect. needing sleep consume our thoughts not exams and studying.

5) My professor went on about the married women with KIDS who don’t have time and they are stay at home moms…….kids go to school for HOURS depending on age. If too young put on some cartoons and give them candy if your desperate and you will have happy, hyper children. Yes not good to do, but one way they can have time to study. I rather be a woe is me stay at home mom, then a no children, no husband, struggling, single woman any day.

I have many strikes against me. I wasn’t well planned…..still upset about why I was born. My mom said because she wanted someone to love her back and also my real father was so good (sex) that she had to have a baby by him (gags).

I was born to a single parent who didn’t make good choices. No one was perfect and we all make mistakes, but….

Anyway since leaving college I feel bad. My life came to a end just like that. A better wage someday is over. Yet it felt good to remove college out of my life. College is costly, almost lost my apartment over it. It has done nothing, but give me  extra bill. Nothing to improve my life. Just place me in more debt.

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Diet…..no word on that. Don’t know where to start. Maybe sip on green Goddess drinks?? I don’t know.

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