Archive for November, 2014

Thanksgiving was terrible, couldn’t walk the next day, but within the same day late at night my soul woke up and I feel at peace today…..so much to stay on another diet.

November 29, 2014

I have no family in this lone state. Mines is in the Sunshine state even though it was my mom’s idea to drag me here (or be homeless when when my grandmother allowed my awful trouble causing sister to stay with her). What made me stay was the fact I had to do a lot to enroll in school, and long story short I remember my cousin who lived with us here and was the driver for them headed back to the state we came from. Everyone packed, but me. I thought no. I was 24 I think at the time (27 today and gotten nowhere just bad luck and more bad luck). I never forget my two other sisters, cousin and mom upfront all waving goodbye to me and so did I. It was hard the first time being on my own many months later (stayed with a friend temp. with her family) If I could go back in time I wish…I said forget this yee haw state, hoped in the back seat and never looked back. Its been a month and maybe 3 weeks since I been ignoring my family and not even calling on Thanksgiving.

On Thanksgiving day everyone at work didn’t have it as bad as me. At least they had family in the same state to celebrate with. At the nursing home I cringed deep down when residents and co-workers said HAPPY Thanksgiving. The word HAPPY bothered me, but that whole day I said it back to be polite, texted some the same since it would be wrong not to. I felt the same way as the residents who were stuck there during Thanksgiving. Some got to leave to have dinner with their family, but the majority not.

My Thanksgiving was spent complaining in my mind, lifting heavy residents, wiping poo and pee., emptying trash, took a 20 minute lunch break,and hours go by and 4 pain pills later I was still limping, and could barely walk to the point a nurse thought it was funny to walk real slow like me right next to me. ¬†I ended up staying longer (not what I wanted to do) and thanks to the Holiday no buses were running near my work area………so I had a long, slow bone spur pain, walk to the bus station which is really under a 2 minute drive. Couple of coworkers couldn’t see themselves driving the opposite way then turning back towards where they live, or the guy who been begging me for sex since he started working there(not doing it for a 2 minute ride).

It was so dark out as usual. So alone as usual. Listened to some music on the walk very tempted to stop and take a break and sit near a post light, but kept pushing through the pain knowing I wouldn’t be walking tomorrow. Luck that I was of the next day or would have to call out…again. Finally at the train station just me and two others waiting for the train forever. 30 minutes later on the train I played one of Madonna’s song “Frozen”.

Some of the lyrics:

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

You’re so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You’re broken
When your heart’s not open

[Chorus:]

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we’d never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there’s no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

I played this song over and over….it was like it was speaking to me and I had so many flash backs. I went into mourning as I saw my child self hoping for the best, living in fear, feeling unwanted, unloved, everything was playing in my mind from how I coped with my kid like drawings to food. I was mourning my life. I cried on the train trying not to.

Its true I’m frozen, a hard stone and once open, I shut everything. And at the end of the song she says your the key. I am the key to a better life, I can’t give up I thought. I decided right then car or no car, broke or with some form of savings 2016 Im headed back to Florida…me and my cats, so 2015 is my last year here and will figure out about a education back in my state or try something new to survive in Florida (not moving in with family, plus my cats are not welcomed).

I woke up and felt great pain my ankles. I tried, but couldn’t even stand. I was bed bound. I felt a all time low. I had to go to the bathroom…….I crawled and the ending ūüė¶ ¬†never made it. I crawled back to bed..a few hours later…back on the floor trying to crawl….again failed. I was disgusted with myself. I had to cancel a outing with two people, unless they could carry me every where ¬†couldn’t go anywhere. I was hungry too. I crawled to the tub (for obvious reasons) and washed. I crawled with huge struggle since the standard bath tubs in apartments are made for slim people not obese people.

Half the day went by….and I was trapped in bed. Like now as I type my boy cat stood by my side …even though many of times I wanted to get rid of them in the past. In the tub my cats wait outside the door, crawling back in bed the boy cat stays near by next to me. Who knew cats cared (girl cat kinda selfish).

Night fall came. I looked around and saw all the mess on my floor. All around me. Nasty mess from not being able to clean up after myself. After work I have to sit as soon as possible.

At 27 this is my life. My cure is a major weight loss. I texted some people when I can’t walk, its best I text because mentally I’m not really listening. I only can think of my pain. And I have to work hard to not snap at anyone because of it. Which sadly I done before. ¬†I been ignoring my family, but miss texting my mom or hearing her voice sometimes, but her laughing at my pain made it the final straw. I will always have a bone spur, but with weight loss I won’t be bed bound for entire day!

I thought about the lyrics again in my mind. I’m the key…..I’m broken right now….

I’m the key…

Right then and there I had a light bulb moment and felt like my soul was renewed. I am the key and It won’t be like this forever….as long as I lose weight of course. The urge to binge died (Temp of course) and trapped in bed I decided to get back on Atkins (Temp.)

Today I was about to walk again.

Today I cleaned up the majority of stuff off my floor

Today I cooked low carb eggs and cheese with a side of strawberry Atkin shake

Today I feel at peace

Today is the day I won’t look back

No guy deserves a girl like me who is bed bound, and can’t walk. I have to work on me before I bring someone in my life anyway.

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You don’t need a man….I think/say, yes I do :/ , How come you don’t have a man you need a man….I don’t just want anyone who may make my life worse,.

November 22, 2014

Not sure why African women are obsessed about me having ANY man. I wish I lied and said I had a boyfriend who rides the bus (would explain why he never comes to pick me up) or works a grave yard shift. I feel very annoyed because I know how I want to be treated and what I want. The Nigerian nurse is coaching the Nigerian aide on what to say to me to get with me….aka lies. People think ok he is black from another country, so he is innocent…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I learned this real quick from my ex roommate a Ethiopian in broken English telling me were both adults and I’m I a lesbian because I wasn’t interested in a guy who never thought of asking me out instead would begged me to have sex with him and still has been begging three years later. Also who I had to kick out when I was going through my lonely wish a guy was around spells. ¬†Or the look on African women’s faces when I tell them of the countless African men driving cabs asking me on my way home at night how much I charge?? Or in my former state Haitian cab drivers asking me how much I charge. If wearing scrubs, a tired face, a little limp walk, is super sexy….shrugs.

The few black Americans tell me wait on God, or that I don’t need to rush with any guy and how its not worth it (as a single parent with kids). I rather hear this. I get teased by a couple of Nigerian women about how there going to their men tonight, and how good it feels, and how if she needs something her man will buy it……….yet your working 6 days a week and trying to get more over time for the past 4 months and now….hmmm.

The Nigerian guy who claims to love me. I asked him why…I mean I been ignoring him for months. I made it clear I want a family man. He comes off as lil Wayne look alike (red flag). He said he knew another girl and needs me to make a threesome happen….a month later after making it clear I don’t do that. Last week said he loves me…hours later did I think of that threesome yet? Him mentioning dinner dates, holding hands and marriage was due to being coached on what to say to me. I was impressed by lil wayne look alike until I caught the coaching in action. Lil wayne and being a decent guy doesn’t happen.

Then I share my feelings about how I wish I had a good guy in my life. I get from a so called friend that she laughs at the idea………..when her adult children pay rent which helps her in a long run. Yet has shared we all get lonely. Having woman company is sometimes too much when you desire a man’s company (who is not out to use you of course) Here where we are the men try to use you for sex and $$$ and not going to happen.

She said whats holding you back?

I say…I’m fat. The good guys wanting decent girls are not looking at at me. My serious rolls, and large flabby arms just don’t seem to attract them like the guys who want to make me their official hooker.

They see a fat girl aka me.

1) I must be easy

2) I must want a guy who has nothing to offer me except sex (not a relationship we could cherish)

3) I won’t be picky since I shouldn’t be due to my size. So its perfectly normal to tell me you love me and want a threesome.

4) Just because I’m fat you offering me a mc donald date won’t cut it.

Other fat girls laugh me and call me crazy…yet they are single with kids. Or have a guy who you only hear of their sex fest but,nothing….just normal. Thin low self esteem girls who don’t know their thin worth can get the same guys as fat girls. A high self esteem fat girl still gets losers. A thin co-worker is looking for another job, her man drove her car and wrecked it, and now she’s single again.

I refuse to settle. I just can’t. Reason why I never had a boyfriend before. Last week I just started lying about yea I had a boyfriend before. If I say I never had one it causes a bunch of unhappy women enjoying talking, gossiping about me for days like they do now about me finding a boyfriend. Even saying I should give so and so a chance who wants a threesome.

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BREAK

My life is nothing to admire (not good example), feeling guilty about feeling good about leaving college,diet

November 15, 2014

I live alone with two cats.

If anything was to happen to me no one would know. A stroke, over dose on meds (yesterday by mistake I was desperate for pain relief), anything, no one would know. I would be discovered by landlords after they give me two eviction notices. I never pictured my life like this and years keep flying by. My younger self saw a future brown skinned, happy woman with a thin body to die for and a life that would be so fulfilling I would never have any regrets. My teen self would say in my mind that someday things would get better…it never did many years later. On Sunday after work getting off at 10:30pm with the most selfish coworkers who wouldn’t drive 2 minutes down the street to take me to the train station. I walked 40 minutes in the cold a long and painful walk (which lead me to be desperate for 6 pills high in mg) On the way in pitch darkness, in a unsafe area still in my work area. A black man around the same age my real father would be now. He stopped me and questioned why was I out so late, no one willing to pick me up?!? I snapped back I’m coming from work. He said if I was his daughter I wouldn’t be out this time of night. No way in hell! He said it again. I continued to walk slow and painful steps (bone spur) and when I found myself a good distance I broke down in tears all the way home. Even the next day the slight thought of that man…..all I could do was think I wish I was someones daughter. I wish my real father wanted me and cherished me. And forever more I have to live with the fact I never had a father and make sure never to have kids unless I know and feel for sure he would be there for his own no matter what. I haven’t talked to my family. I feel let down by them greatly (my mom and grandmother and sisters are a joke). People are shocked I have no kids (Not stupid that its because of my race, even my own race are surprised)and I have a strong reason why I made sure I have no kids. Or when I’m sick the other ladies say oh oh…someone maybe pregnant (even though I’m not having sex at all they seem not to believe it) And my own race of men hear I have no kids they think its open season to hunt me down and tell me I should have their child….why so I can be a single more too like the women in my family and outside my family??? ¬†To continue the cycle of fatherless children?

And if your idol is lil wayne its best to stay very very far from me!!! Thats just begging to be a single mother on purpose!

If your a idol is salvage Garden lead singer (truly madly deeply) then there could be a future between us.

A suppose to friend was living with her sister and two nephews. She was texting me for days saying if I could live on her own why not she????

I told her I have no choice and if I had a decent sister like she did I would live with her! She said well I took one of my nephews rooms…I said well your family and I mean…??

She then text me photos with sayings of black women and being independent.

I told her that stuff is only given to us because of the wedlock rate we have and how we have no choice, but to do it or be homeless on the streets kids and all. I also told her any woman black or not who say they don’t need a man is only saying that because she has to do it all anyway because no man stepped up to the plate.

She said well how did you make it? I was honest…charities, begging one actual friend for help…she said well you still have a place. ¬†I told her I am not a good example! I said how about you stay with your sister, save up maybe 3 months worth of rent and move in a DECENT area??

She moved out anyway…had seen her first eviction notice, went through panic and struggling more then before.

Then the actual friend who has a teen son and a adult son (guessing 20?) told me she tells her sons I’m someone to look up to. How I never give up…………they have her and their dad who can afford them, nice summer vacations, and if one really wanted to he could live in a non ghetto area and they would pay his rent ect. as he focus on friends and school.

Reminds me of a guy who had the nickname princess (yes gay) and in his early 30’s. Mommy and daddy bought him a condo as he focused on school. He worked as a waiter to kill boredom and meet new people. ¬†Mean while 19 or 18 year old me was being told by my mom how I’m a adult now and no longer responsible for me (when upset).

Kills me when I see a teen driving a newish or old car, as I wait for the bus. I’m not a good example. I feel like I’m dying inside. I fake happy, joke a lot, but really wishing I was old enough for death and wait for the light to take my soul away. I’m not happy. I’m not a good example. Nothing to admire.

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Since leaving college since I was failing anyway….I felt real bad. Like my dream is over. My way of proving to family and the world and I am smart, that my life was awful from little and up yet I made it. In a perfect world, in few people, and in movies this does happen, but it didn’t for me.

I found out most people in college who are doing well are…

1) Living with parents who want their young adult kids to focus on their education. Not earning money and needing a full job to make it.

2) Married. The husband is working hard as his wife goes to college to earn a better wage for the family. Sometimes the woman works hard and the man foes to school….bad idea. It seems the men then trade his wife for younger modal after…coughs.

3) Older and the kids moved out. They tend to be married, but now can focus on a education. Working to make ends meet don’t seem like a huge thing. They have something where they focus on school

4) Then people like me of all age range. Have to work full time, maybe not a fast learner where we can open a book and learn in under 5 minutes. Our jobs are tiring and too much stress. About to lose apartment again …last week, health issues ect. needing sleep consume our thoughts not exams and studying.

5) My professor went on about the married women with KIDS who don’t have time and they are stay at home moms…….kids go to school for HOURS depending on age. If too young put on some cartoons and give them candy if your desperate and you will have happy, hyper children. Yes not good to do, but one way they can have time to study. I rather be a woe is me stay at home mom, then a no children, no husband, struggling, single woman any day.

I have many strikes against me. I wasn’t well planned…..still upset about why I was born. My mom said because she wanted someone to love her back and also my real father was so good (sex) that she had to have a baby by him (gags).

I was born to a single parent who didn’t make good choices. No one was perfect and we all make mistakes, but….

Anyway since leaving college I feel bad. My life came to a end just like that. A better wage someday is over. Yet it felt good to remove college out of my life. College is costly, almost lost my apartment over it. It has done nothing, but give me  extra bill. Nothing to improve my life. Just place me in more debt.

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Diet…..no word on that. Don’t know where to start. Maybe sip on green Goddess drinks?? I don’t know.