Dropping out of college,Not talking to mom in almost three weeks,eating low calories and experiencing hunger daily,resident who is anti fat worker.

If I wasn’t trying so hard….

I would be eating oreos with colored filling (green,purple,orange whatever they have) with chocolate ice cream. Then taco bell with lots of sour cream then a wendy burger and mc donalds fries and end the night with cheesecake….sounds like a great fantasy.

Its a hard pill to swallow to kill of my dreams of a degree. The logical thing for me is to drop out. Its becoming too hard and very costly as well. School requires time and lots of it and money and plently of it. I’m in a community college, but still costly for me. I have no money saved meaning if I need a few days off it would cost me losing my place. Rent goes up, food costs go up, everything goes up except pay wage (unless your a ceo somewhere) everything seems the same. I’m not doing so well because of how demanding my job is, its a full time job of me me me type residents and again no 15 min breaks only a 30 min lunch break . Financial aide won’t pay for my class because I only took one class and they said I made a hint more last year (thanks to working overtime on 9 a hour) they won’t pay. I thought if they told me this first I would of never signed up. I even have a 400 plus pay day loan I got out just to pay for rent, buy a few food items, and public transportation (80 for the month). I was short due to calling out because I couldn’t walk over a ankle spur. Which it still takes time just to stand! Everything is a strict budget. I owe student loans,pay day loans, medical bills, it feels like I owe the world. I would of been somewhat ok if I had never went back to school. My school just sent me a e-mail saying I owe them 214.00 (the reminder of my class cost, I already gave them 200…two months ago). My life should be spent on losing weight and working and losing more weight in hopes of looking good to land a boyfriend and maybe not have so much pain on my ankle spur so I can work a second job.  I would of had money saved up if it wasn’t for my ankle spur and trying to get a education. I’m tired daily since my days are spent working full time and after work up till 4am studying and doing home work and barely getting a C so far….when really Bs and As are ideal to compete for nursing. I worked on my day off to make up for the day I missed going to the hospital. And I will have to start working on my days off just to make ends meet. Homeless and broke,but in school is not my cup of tea. Life happens is all I can say.

I met people in school who has a husband paying everything as they focus on their education. Or the two parent home where they buy their son/daughter paid up rent of their own apartment of their choice, a brand new looking used car as they have fun with friends and get a education. Me….no such luck and I know others like me exist. I never got a car, but my younger sister did from our great grandmother…long story short favorites exist within the family even though I’m the oldest. I try to visit my family once a year only to return worse off due to missed days at work. My aunts..one with a PHD and another a college professor won’t help me, but one did pay my sisters cell phone bill for several months and gave my mom money.

Once three years ago when I landed a private duty job and working part time. I was doing okish on money. I only thought of my family. I sent my mom 50 dollars here and there out my extra income. Later on she admitted after I lost the private duty case and a few months later she said she didn’t want to tell me, but knew I would be upset. I would of gotten something too,but I was only one year older then the requirement. My mom finally won her disability which met all three of my other sisters got a large lump some of money. She won’t tell me the amount, but it sounded like a few several thousands. And instead of her saying I don’t need the money she accepted my money when I was thinking she was struggling real badly. Of course they spent it all. In the back of my mind I thought…wow and they didn’t even send me one cent? Just to help me??

And here I was trying to give what I could thinking of my mother in another state suffering.  My college career that goes on and off started when I was 19 I believe. I lived with family and worked. I had to pay my part of 200 a month to my grandmother in which we all lived with thanks to my ex step dad illegally robbing the whole house and my mom making the biggest mistake by selling it to him in the first place. I had to focus on my education, so I quit working to do just that. With aide paying I had left over money (not a lot! very little) for transportation to get to school by bus and train (both cost separately) Problem was I go to school……………..hungry. Yes we had food at home, but it was food you had to cook. Or sometimes we had food, but no food. Meaning we had this item and that item, but lack that item to create that dish. Other students could afford snacks on campus or pizza, but me…nothing. It was either eat and stay home or use the money towards getting to school. I finally went to the dean who granted me money to buy food and to get to school. I then began to pass classes. Math is my weakest subject…which took me out because I couldn’t pass. I then went back to work….and the work or school cycle continued. All this time for people like me should of been working….I would of had money saved up and be ok today vs broke with some classes under my belt.  Someday when I don’t have to work so much and so hard maybe I will return to school. Too much debt and money risk, no life just work and study and barely passing because sometimes you find yourself asleep in the books. I will work,but have some form of fun. Why wonder I’m still obese these days.

I haven’t talk to my mom for some time on purpose. She tried calling me for some days until I text her why I’m no longer talking. Besides being the black sheep of the family and not getting as much help like my sisters…it gets old.Somehow the convo went about me. Not sure if I said something or her. I told her about my ankle spur and how I lost two jobs over it…..if you can’t walk….sent home and was told once I got a doctor note I could work I could return. I had to get a student loan to survive until I could work properly and then used that time to job hunt online and offline. I went on and on and how I couldn’t walk…my mom laughed (she now claims it is all in my head and she didn’t) I told her ok then after I told you she doesn’t have to worry about me calling back…she continued laughing. I hung up and days went by turning into weeks now. We had a text argument some days ago when I reminded her (due to her calling) why were not speaking. She text me that if I lose weight and put the fork down I wouldn’t have a ankle spur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes its true, but still hurt. Yet my non fat grandmother got a spur and more compassion of course. Heel spurs, ankle spurs all spurs can happen to anyone.

Every day I’m hungry….every day. I ate 570 calories two days ago the next 280 and today was a high 800 calories. Last week same very low calories and tired…always tired. I go to work rubbing my stomach in comfort, leaned over the counter to get myself together. Went to my boss seeing if she had any snacks….the look on her face priceless. When hunger comes all self respect goes and yes I count the calories aka small snack size peanuts was 140 calories from boss. It breaks my heart to see only a pound lose that day or one pound point something. I expect that more near goal weight. I don’t eat until after sometime 2:30pm and I don’t eat after 8pm so far. Saw some co-workers laughing at me…..picture it morbidly obese person seeking snacks because she is oh so greedy. Thats what there thinking. If I was slim and hungry and you never see me eat and if you do its low calorie items or nothing at all….then people would raise a eye brow. A hungry,weak fat person is funny since its assumed I ate all day long before coming to work.

There was a very heavy set co-worker. Very heavy like myself. And like me she had bad luck…real bad luck. According to some studies her very long blonde hair should attracts guys. Instead due to her size life treats us harsher. A single parent off two living in a rough area and mugged on the way to work…..life when large is much worse at times. You must have a degree to save yourself! Or hope that job hires you and over looks your size. A resident banned her from his room because he claimed she smells like poop….even though really his roommate smelled badly….anyway he banned her claiming she smells. Next minute he banned me…and at first I was like heeeeey…..but then I was happy. I was told that I smelled (even though upper management knew I didn’t) and to stay out. I no longer had to do anything for them. I would proudly walk by the door when they placed their call light on. Funny part was it back fired since if I was the only one available they had to wait 30 to 40 minutes until another worker could come. I then over heard them complain about it, but nothing could be done. I only smiled inside and on the outside. Since dropping a chuck of weight,….all of a sudden he and his roommate want me to come back in their room. I was told I smell better even though still very obese and I still wash the same way. I said no and talk to my boss. They did and she rejected their request. You can’t ban someone and then want them back. They see I’m trying and doing better and now I’m welcomed back to do their bidding. Only skinny girls or average size were allowed not me.

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