I failed of course. Day one started like this….and did a desperate move with ex roommate….never again.

Now I had the time of my life ……. ;(

Its 2:19am and trying to fall a sleep, but I been for the past 40 min and some been playing songs that have me in serious tears now. From I’m only human (a childhood favorite) to playing this about seven times Time of my life. From dirty dancing soundtrack (never seen the movie). The woman sounds so beautiful (she sounds thin for sure) the man sounds so in love. I can’t stop crying! I like music from my era, but back then songs had more meaning or goofy and fun like spice girls, to boy groups like Hi-Five (kissing game).

Portrait of a young black woman, model of fashion wearing dress and sun hat, with afro hairstyle in urban background - stock photo

DAY ONE (On oct. 3, 2014):

I had work and was woke up thinking of french fries and hamburgers. Food is a actual addiction for some and hate when people in the medical world are almost on the same page on agreeing. I mean I wouldn’t eat like this just because. Its not normal. I reminded myself I have a soda mono to do! I said over and over I can do this. I hurried to get ready to work with the two day ago promise that I would invite my past roommate over….desperate for male company I felt at least I knew of. I hated him four years ago and moved out when he was at work. Over charged me rent when he paid less for rent and electric. First time on my own in my life and Plano is over ratted place in Texas and pricey. He had a one bed room and I slept in that he slept in the living room. If he was good to me in a normal world we would of been bf and gf. Besides him not looking handsome,over charging me, he was cheap…………we went to a movie a cheap movie place he knew of. I got dressed up and discovered it was a cheap theater that played movies I never heard of. I was like ok. I forgot my wallet at home his ticket was 50 cents and so was mines. I told him I would paid him back once we get home. He said no. So he drove us alllllllllllllll the way back home and I locked myself in my room. He hinted to wanting sex, but he was clean, claim to be a christian man….many just hold that title for fun it seems. Years gone by he text me on and off. Time goes by you kinda forgive the wrongs.

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My red flags were.

1) Claimed to be busy and can only visit me at 11pm and can stay over if I like.

2) He was too happy to massage my ankles and feet. He said he would do it for free. I beg so called friends, co-workers. One said I’m I a lesbian…but like to pretend she loves the gays in front of their faces many act that way,but by me your so called friend asking is lesbian which came off as a neg. to be so. Co-workers were limping themselves and tired, paying a professional I can’t afford, so besides desiring wholesome male attention a massage was a bonus.

3) He said he can only come on his days off (when he gets to sit and drive school kids around sometimes). I said why not mines? I’m tired and have to help both average weight to very obese workers…he didn’t care. So after a long day at work I would have to wait up for him….him still being selfish. And when I said could you pick me up for work he changed the subject even though he is not too far from my job (15 min drive)

But when desperate you do stupid things and allow yourself to be mistreated.

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I took a photo of of the scale after I weighed. 314…amazing coming from 318. Likely because super greasy foods…get things moving. I got a cherry pepsi 2 litter….issue was it was hot like most sold 2 litters I went country hidden behind a bush….you could still see me from waist up (lol) I drank it straight from the source. Feeling like ok I’m handling this diet well. Next min the large bottle went back up and I was in total bliss. I had to stop to hurry inside work to clock in. Long story short work was and has been more stressful with 30 residents on one hall vs 2 aides. And hearing other residents complain aka they want to feel like their the only ones that exist on the hall alone. Forget the other resident and hurry to them with pointless threats of leaving when we pretend like we care………..but deep down want to tell them PLEASE GO. And families never understanding feel like mom or dad should be the main focus….when all love ones want their dad, mom,grandma ,grandpa, to be the main focus, BUT won’t hire a sitter so they can have all the attention in the world. I snuck for a min. to drink more soda. As stress claimbs my desire for the drink increases, but with food items. The manager/DON pulls us to the side…….next min on lunch break I’m eating like I never ate in my life. I went wild on two sandwiches, excited with three yogurt smoothies, and everything went into a blare. I returned from break as if I had been on detox on drugs, but got another hit and can function again for the time being.

Young Gorgeous Black Woman wearing a dress and heels isolated on  a white background - stock photo

After work limping away from (with a two person) trying to push up heavy large people made me think of myself. And how no one really likes working with heavy patients because it hurts to do so. My wrist sore, back hurts, pain I didn’t have when I first started the job. Including other workers, some have to go to the doctor for pain shots, pills, after working with obese people. Thin residents are easier to care for even alone. I keep hearing about fat people die early…..no they vanish into nursing homes. After work I said at least I have something to look forward to.

He is Ethiopian (never buy that African men are better then black American men nd how lazy they are, and enjoy having kids out of wedlock….truth to that, but…..anyway…they like to tell me that including him! When so far….)

He came at 12am when I text him since 11pm I’m home. Feet hurting, ankles feeling weak…but somehow he is just leaving next min he is lost. I told him just forget it. He said no no, and text lol….he is off….I’m not.

I fight the urge to put my foot down. I wanted a male attention. I admit that.

I told him to bring something….since two days ago with daily reminders. I mean sheesh.

He came…..empty handed.

He came in and we talked as he massaged my feet and ankles I was in heaven. The pain in great. I heard him mumbled something about special massage. I didn’t care just kept telling him thank you for this. I really needed this.

Message in a bottle "Still hoping" on sandy beach. Creative hope and faith concept.  - stock photo

Next minute he began massaging my calfs. I was like wow I was hurting there too, but focus on the ankles. He said yes, yes, sure just relax in his heavy accent. He then stops and says he needs break. I said…well ok. We watched some save Maury.

Two obese women one latino and one white. Both with their own stories and angry with the men in their lives. I couldn’t help, but to look at my ex-roommate in the dim of the light as the tv blurred. The latino woman in a baby doll top and stretchy comfy pants with her hair in a snooky inspired hair style. She has been married for seven years and he never got a wedding ring from him. My ex roommate laughed …..I looked at him and said would you buy the woman you marry a wedding ring? He said…I don’t know. I shock my head knowing the true answer…no. He had a girlfriend in his country, but when they left their country she went to Canada and married a Canadian who sounds way better then what she had back home aka with him. After her he never found love again. He said it was easier to find love in his poor area. It was discovered she was being cheated on. He can’t love her that much if no ring in seven years not even a fake one. The white woman came up angry and how she believes her man is cheating. Her hair blonde, her clothes are ok like the first lady and like her he was cheating on her as well. She yelled its over….when fat how do you land a decent guy in a society of pro thin women?

Concept of loneliness in word collage - stock photo

He then says ok I’m ready. Back to massaging and my ankles getting the touch they deserve. He then moves back to my calfs. I say nothing because my whole body hurts, but the ankles and feet are the main focus. Next minute….he was at my thighs. I said what are you doing? He said relax. Your skin looks so much better and you look lighter its so nice…..(he is dark skin…and I’m not light to me ) I said what do you mean better and lighter? He said its ok never mind just relax..shhhhh shhh

*Skin care is wear sun screen 6-7 days a week. Lotion coco butter almost daily (evens out skin tone) and a resident who was trying to help me with my acne told me to buy grape fruit face wipes…I did but walmart brand) I had many co-workers say the same, but if they saw my past pictures from baby to early 20’s my current skin tone is lots of sun over the years and even then I don’t/didn’t consider myself light  skin. Vanessa williams yes. Also someone after seeing what I use said grape fruit makes the skin glow. I been telling strangers of all races and age groups who ask me randomly.

Anyway back on topic.

As a human who have desires too. He went up….up…..upppppp I was shocked, but speechless and yet a part of me was like just go ahead. I was under the blanket and I decided he can sleep over with some distance from me. I had on a tank top with my large fleshy arms out, and fat girl type of short shorts…not the skinny girl short shorts where if you fell and looked up….you would see a little too much. It happened so fast his hand touched my…………it was like my whole body woke up. I had a rapid debate within my self….and one side took over.

I saw him in my mind…

1) Not good looking

2) Selfish

3) Cheap

4) Won’t be a great provider

5) Not really marriage minded

6) Broker then me and thats like being homeless just about

7) My mind flashed back at that Mexican security guard who looks sooooo good. Tan looking skin with jet black hair and deep brown eyes…..then my mind went to the past like the Greek guy, the blonde french business man, the guy from Spain and the other from Russia once he said he was married he was on his own work wise, then I said STOP!

My mind said no way in hell you allow this when so many good looking broke men exist vs him if your going cheap.

And if thinner I could get a decent guy who could be my world if not my universe.

As soon as I moved I couldn’t see well, but he already seemed to have his………….out.

He said ok ok calm down. He got up and rushed in my bath room.

He came back and said sorry. He said thats like a massage too. Yup having sex to him is another massage because as he put it his ………..would be rubbing inside which would relax me. I almost lost it!

But I invited him in. I was crazy to do so, but tried to let it go. He laid down, I laid down.

But it doesn’t end there. He just started talking………..so how are your neighbors??? Its 2am at the time and already upset with him. I said in a not so nice tone……..I …HAVE…WORK SOON. When in pain, plus stress from job I’m tired and forced myself to wait up for a horny deadbeat guy. He said ok I’m sorry in between a laugh.

Few minutes later…..so you like you job?? I told him to stop it!!!!!!!!!!

Next min its 3am. Trying my hardest to sleep and not be so tensed because of him.

He said ok ok…….

I found out he gave up his place to live with a brother and sister (who has kids and single) who are ethopian as well. I thought one more thing and one more time in the dark of the night I’m kicking him out. I care less what his roommates think of him returning so late. He will just have to sleep in his van or face the music.

As soon as I finally about to sleep……….

I hear a sound. I breath deeper pretending to have now gone to sleep.

Angry woman - stock photo

I hear him scooting his body (I have no bed remember…so were on the floor)

I then hear him thinking out loud about how beautiful…..and in my mind I’m ready to try my hand in fighting if it comes down to it he won’t forget. I don’t believe in fighting and been the one to rather be attacked then fight back, but in this case was different. I felt a head ache coming. I know its 4am something and mad real mad that work is my future and 8 hours of sleep out the question. MEANING I was up from 10am that day before to now (at the time 4am something in the morning with no sleep. He had sleep I didn’t.

He touched my butt. I got up in the dark. I felt his eyes follow me. I lay on the other side of the room. He then says I’m coming too. I said no your not!!!??? I felt my throat like I was being chocked,but no one was touching me. I then told him to GET OUT. He said ok. It took no time for him to leave. He made small talk as he got dressed again. All I said was uh huh, right, hurry, you need to move faster or I’m throwing your clothes outside. He was gone and two days have passed and no text from him and I won’t ever want male company to the point someone like him so cheap he wouldn’t want to pay a hooker (he told me years ago). When we were roommates It would be lightening, raining hard and my last bus would be gone and he would refuse to get me. I allowed that in.

With only 3 hours of sleep and a total of 10 hours and some going to work, working and coming back home….I never slept so deep in my life. When I woke up I felt dirty for allowing that. He is no one I wanted. My day was spent eating candy,juice,soda for energy.

I only had myself to comfort. No one to share it with because I wasn’t in the mode to hear well you knew how he was before. Or shocked a girl like me aka good girl allowed just any form of touch….I would never hear the end of it…for life.And some people don’t change, but its your fault for letting him in ,ect. Its done, but no comfort to say its going to be ok, we all make mistakes. I get that its part of my fault for allowing him in. I told him two days ago don’t try anything sexual. He said no only massage. I had red flags I ignored because I was desperate for male attention.

DAY TWO

I still was thinking about being touched there of all places, but glad I stopped it. It never became intercourse (his main goal and why he was so happy about coming over to massage me). I didn’t want that on my track record in my memory.

When I weighed it read 315 up a pound.

So still back at the drawing board and just at lost on how to control myself when tired, stressed, and dealing with binge triggers. I tried not purging….but I have to starting tomorrow aka today and will record my weight. I love to eat, but purging seemed the only thing to help me.

…………………..

Overweight Woman Asleep In Bed Snoring - stock photo

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