What happens when I don’t weight daily, pics,extreme weight gain,and a ah ha moment for a promised mono diet that should work for me, but slowly kill my insides of yummy acid.

I didn’t weigh for a moment and on purpose. I hate seeing the truth and feeling the pressure to try…harder. I even got lazy with something so simple such as purging keeping it all down. I was bad recently I was in a its going to take me a long time to lose weight, so what one day would hurt? Even enjoying keeping all the food down, savoring greasy foods like it was rare wine or exotic chocolates.   There are times I do the right thing, but bad and good don’t mix if bad out weighs the good.

Two days ago I stepped on the scale and I went ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to 318!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my mind I said….shiiiit. What came out was nothing and I said I will do better….after…I eat this and have that. I wake up daily thinking of food.

I stepped in the mirror and took a photo…

Its a sad fact I can hold my own stomach and other abnormal talent with my body.

I took a photo from the side and it seemed my body stretched out badly and my breasts larger yes, but other things got bigger that are far from welcomed. I was, so disgusted I marched myself ready for work, stressing over not having enough study time (just finished studying and doing home work…its 3:01am and I’m tired, only my professor’s encouragement has kept me going.)

I put on my scrubs, put on some lip gloss…as if that would make things better. In the back of my mind I was thinking of my long distance friend I know maybe over seven years. I met her online by mistake as we were both trolling the net how thin women are treated better. We both set out to lose weight and try hard together. She was lucky in some ways such as she wanted to talk allllllllllllllllll the time, but I always had to work….full time, long hours, and live below my means to make it. Over time we got into texting since that was easy for me to stay in touch vs talking or logging on the net at pro ana blogs, and stores that sold size zero clothing ect.

We were both fat black girls and had a lot in common from the lifestyle we wanted, the men, the marriage and making our future husbands happy. We worked hard….I failed with being laid off, once fired, almost losing my apt, and her problems was being a outgoing well dressed fat girl going to places only thin girls were welcomed at. Over the years we went from being too nice due to upbringing as people ran over us to her not giving a shit and us relearning how life really is vs Barney’s playhouse. We talked about how we wear black too often to play it safe. We pretty much grew up together (just not in childhood.)

I wanted to give up she reminded me not to. Long story short she went from panda bear to sexy date-able woman…..we no longer relate. She works on maintaining and I’m getting bigger. I won’t tell her my weight out of shame since she was obese too when we first got to know each other. When we first got to know each other I wasn’t working yet. I was young, living with my mom, and we would talk till 4am in the morning. Life got real and next minute I’m supporting myself and don’t have much time for her unless through text. When I do have time its spent watching Good times since somehow I can relate to a broke family trying to get by. I watch that show like it’s a cult…or my guilty secret of sponge Bob and my adult self of Fatal attraction or the Steve Wilko show.

Her life as a new thin woman is dating loser men, good men…all men. Me….begging men want me, homeless men desire me, and older broke men see a future with me. Her life is the life we both wanted, but now….its just me. That was in the back of my mind.

I put on my sneakers ready to force myself in another day of labor and tiredness.

I said today will be different, today I will be on a mission….in need of a pay day loan because as usual don’t make enough with rent going up and I want/need a car, but with high gas prices I don’t know.

I was proud of myself it was sometime late in the afternoon. I didn’t eat yet. I then tried the healthy way and had two banana’s….from the mono diet idea.

And after

Filled with banana’s and hope I headed off into the heat to began my journey towards work but…..

I was in my work area too early.My mind went wild……Next minute….

It was so pretty I took another photo of it…

After drinking a med fruit punch and refilling (only drinking half of it)

I was in heaven. My limp walk had a pep in it’s step. I was in pure bliss thinking to myself of course for allowing me to be born in a era where wendy’s exist.

Shame washed over me….once it felt like it digested.

At work I had a diet coke,forced down some water and later on my shift for energy bought a cheap can of grape soda from the vending machine.

I got home thinking of my sorry life.

Then it happened.

Didn’t take a photo of the 3rd mountain dew. All this at 11pm something two days ago…and the next day no better.

I don’t understand how I can have some control,but when its gone its extreme. Likely ate over 5000 calories.

——————————————–

I looked online and only found people doing diet soda mono…some smoke along with it…and then there was a lady who died from drinking diet soda so many times only. She died a slim woman.

I will make sure my soda has calories. When I sip on soda it seems my world gets a little brighter. I savor every sip. Sometimes closing my eyes and love the fizz/acid on my tongue. When I have a soda its best I be alone. I felt my co-workers eyes on me as I sip and just was in the moment with my drink. I didn’t know what to do.

Any soda has 900 calories or less per two liter.

*Only allowed one two liter drink

*If hungry like I must have food, must be a protein  item (since its been proven it cuts off hunger…not cravings) Or veggie item, but mainly sticking to soda….mmmmm 🙂

No pro ana site or yahoo answer question I found who did this yet.

How can I fail on soda?

I mean thats what I want daily in a perfect world.

Mountain dew or pepsi are my main choices taste wise.

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