Archive for October, 2014

Random reads/with random pics And another truth why I want to be skinny..like a little underweight skinny…just a little.

October 25, 2014

Supermodel who walks for a living on stages, married to actor claims 5 simple GENTLE moves for lean body. No mention of diet..  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2801556/lara-stone-reveals-five-simple-steps-getting-supermodel-body-work-real-women.html

Life after weight loss when it comes to dating

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/10/06/352817525/for-the-formerly-obese-stigma-remains-after-weight-is-lost

Morbidly obese woman obese due to not getting enough welfare money to afford better food.

http://toprightnews.com/?p=6192

Besides landing a better job, better choices when it comes to men, better clothes, and a more interesting life. I want people to care and worry over me. Growing up I felt I lacked attention and saw so much negative…I want all focus on me in a concerned way. Being thin gets me or anyone attention, people want you to eat, ect.

Second post in a day.

zzzz

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Dropping out of college,Not talking to mom in almost three weeks,eating low calories and experiencing hunger daily,resident who is anti fat worker.

October 25, 2014

If I wasn’t trying so hard….

I would be eating oreos with colored filling (green,purple,orange whatever they have) with chocolate ice cream. Then taco bell with lots of sour cream then a wendy burger and mc donalds fries and end the night with cheesecake….sounds like a great fantasy.

Its a hard pill to swallow to kill of my dreams of a degree. The logical thing for me is to drop out. Its becoming too hard and very costly as well. School requires time and lots of it and money and plently of it. I’m in a community college, but still costly for me. I have no money saved meaning if I need a few days off it would cost me losing my place. Rent goes up, food costs go up, everything goes up except pay wage (unless your a ceo somewhere) everything seems the same. I’m not doing so well because of how demanding my job is, its a full time job of me me me type residents and again no 15 min breaks only a 30 min lunch break . Financial aide won’t pay for my class because I only took one class and they said I made a hint more last year (thanks to working overtime on 9 a hour) they won’t pay. I thought if they told me this first I would of never signed up. I even have a 400 plus pay day loan I got out just to pay for rent, buy a few food items, and public transportation (80 for the month). I was short due to calling out because I couldn’t walk over a ankle spur. Which it still takes time just to stand! Everything is a strict budget. I owe student loans,pay day loans, medical bills, it feels like I owe the world. I would of been somewhat ok if I had never went back to school. My school just sent me a e-mail saying I owe them 214.00 (the reminder of my class cost, I already gave them 200…two months ago). My life should be spent on losing weight and working and losing more weight in hopes of looking good to land a boyfriend and maybe not have so much pain on my ankle spur so I can work a second job.  I would of had money saved up if it wasn’t for my ankle spur and trying to get a education. I’m tired daily since my days are spent working full time and after work up till 4am studying and doing home work and barely getting a C so far….when really Bs and As are ideal to compete for nursing. I worked on my day off to make up for the day I missed going to the hospital. And I will have to start working on my days off just to make ends meet. Homeless and broke,but in school is not my cup of tea. Life happens is all I can say.

I met people in school who has a husband paying everything as they focus on their education. Or the two parent home where they buy their son/daughter paid up rent of their own apartment of their choice, a brand new looking used car as they have fun with friends and get a education. Me….no such luck and I know others like me exist. I never got a car, but my younger sister did from our great grandmother…long story short favorites exist within the family even though I’m the oldest. I try to visit my family once a year only to return worse off due to missed days at work. My aunts..one with a PHD and another a college professor won’t help me, but one did pay my sisters cell phone bill for several months and gave my mom money.

Once three years ago when I landed a private duty job and working part time. I was doing okish on money. I only thought of my family. I sent my mom 50 dollars here and there out my extra income. Later on she admitted after I lost the private duty case and a few months later she said she didn’t want to tell me, but knew I would be upset. I would of gotten something too,but I was only one year older then the requirement. My mom finally won her disability which met all three of my other sisters got a large lump some of money. She won’t tell me the amount, but it sounded like a few several thousands. And instead of her saying I don’t need the money she accepted my money when I was thinking she was struggling real badly. Of course they spent it all. In the back of my mind I thought…wow and they didn’t even send me one cent? Just to help me??

And here I was trying to give what I could thinking of my mother in another state suffering.  My college career that goes on and off started when I was 19 I believe. I lived with family and worked. I had to pay my part of 200 a month to my grandmother in which we all lived with thanks to my ex step dad illegally robbing the whole house and my mom making the biggest mistake by selling it to him in the first place. I had to focus on my education, so I quit working to do just that. With aide paying I had left over money (not a lot! very little) for transportation to get to school by bus and train (both cost separately) Problem was I go to school……………..hungry. Yes we had food at home, but it was food you had to cook. Or sometimes we had food, but no food. Meaning we had this item and that item, but lack that item to create that dish. Other students could afford snacks on campus or pizza, but me…nothing. It was either eat and stay home or use the money towards getting to school. I finally went to the dean who granted me money to buy food and to get to school. I then began to pass classes. Math is my weakest subject…which took me out because I couldn’t pass. I then went back to work….and the work or school cycle continued. All this time for people like me should of been working….I would of had money saved up and be ok today vs broke with some classes under my belt.  Someday when I don’t have to work so much and so hard maybe I will return to school. Too much debt and money risk, no life just work and study and barely passing because sometimes you find yourself asleep in the books. I will work,but have some form of fun. Why wonder I’m still obese these days.

I haven’t talk to my mom for some time on purpose. She tried calling me for some days until I text her why I’m no longer talking. Besides being the black sheep of the family and not getting as much help like my sisters…it gets old.Somehow the convo went about me. Not sure if I said something or her. I told her about my ankle spur and how I lost two jobs over it…..if you can’t walk….sent home and was told once I got a doctor note I could work I could return. I had to get a student loan to survive until I could work properly and then used that time to job hunt online and offline. I went on and on and how I couldn’t walk…my mom laughed (she now claims it is all in my head and she didn’t) I told her ok then after I told you she doesn’t have to worry about me calling back…she continued laughing. I hung up and days went by turning into weeks now. We had a text argument some days ago when I reminded her (due to her calling) why were not speaking. She text me that if I lose weight and put the fork down I wouldn’t have a ankle spur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes its true, but still hurt. Yet my non fat grandmother got a spur and more compassion of course. Heel spurs, ankle spurs all spurs can happen to anyone.

Every day I’m hungry….every day. I ate 570 calories two days ago the next 280 and today was a high 800 calories. Last week same very low calories and tired…always tired. I go to work rubbing my stomach in comfort, leaned over the counter to get myself together. Went to my boss seeing if she had any snacks….the look on her face priceless. When hunger comes all self respect goes and yes I count the calories aka small snack size peanuts was 140 calories from boss. It breaks my heart to see only a pound lose that day or one pound point something. I expect that more near goal weight. I don’t eat until after sometime 2:30pm and I don’t eat after 8pm so far. Saw some co-workers laughing at me…..picture it morbidly obese person seeking snacks because she is oh so greedy. Thats what there thinking. If I was slim and hungry and you never see me eat and if you do its low calorie items or nothing at all….then people would raise a eye brow. A hungry,weak fat person is funny since its assumed I ate all day long before coming to work.

There was a very heavy set co-worker. Very heavy like myself. And like me she had bad luck…real bad luck. According to some studies her very long blonde hair should attracts guys. Instead due to her size life treats us harsher. A single parent off two living in a rough area and mugged on the way to work…..life when large is much worse at times. You must have a degree to save yourself! Or hope that job hires you and over looks your size. A resident banned her from his room because he claimed she smells like poop….even though really his roommate smelled badly….anyway he banned her claiming she smells. Next minute he banned me…and at first I was like heeeeey…..but then I was happy. I was told that I smelled (even though upper management knew I didn’t) and to stay out. I no longer had to do anything for them. I would proudly walk by the door when they placed their call light on. Funny part was it back fired since if I was the only one available they had to wait 30 to 40 minutes until another worker could come. I then over heard them complain about it, but nothing could be done. I only smiled inside and on the outside. Since dropping a chuck of weight,….all of a sudden he and his roommate want me to come back in their room. I was told I smell better even though still very obese and I still wash the same way. I said no and talk to my boss. They did and she rejected their request. You can’t ban someone and then want them back. They see I’m trying and doing better and now I’m welcomed back to do their bidding. Only skinny girls or average size were allowed not me.

People say that you should live now, don’t wait until you lose weight…..well here are some places where fat women have to lose weight first to live.

October 22, 2014

Hooters:

Maybe there is a fat woman in the back washing grease from plates and hands pruning up due to all the water (side note if you been a dish washer for years your nails turn naturally gothic black and no its not cute). Or maybe she is a customer, or sweeping the parking lot, or cooking the wings herself. One thing’s for sure she is not a hooters girl. Her applying alone would have the staff laughing for days if not months and a story that would be passed along until the end of time. Even black hooter girls are slim, they have no mercy and buying into the thickness some like to reach. Some could be pro ana with padded bras ( a little hooter tip if you lack upstairs), but obese girl with natural large breasts is not happening. Some of the hooter girls are in their 40’s, but have the body of a slim/fit 20 something year old. All the hooter girls on the site either look related to Barbie or her best friend. And all of Barbie’s friends are slim.

If you want to be a hooters girl:

Atmosphere

  • Hooter Girl Image (Fit & Glamorous)
  • Prepared, in uniform & Punctual for Shift
  • Charismatic Energy
  • Fun, Upbeat, Entertaining

They are smart to use the word fit……some of those girls just look slim. Meaning like a fat person does if they shake their thigh it will shake too. Some hooter girls are fit, but not all. Just fat is not welcomed. If they use words like thin or skinny the fat acceptance groups would be all over them and women who feel the world pressures them to be thin. The word fit is a safe word.

Other places exist like hooters and all are the same fake breasted women with beautiful slim bodies or padded or the rare heavy top set who are slim as well. And they all have guys ready and willing to be their bf.

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Online

Like the real world thin people are more likely to be popular and included.

Men hate when fat women are on dating sites and other sites in general. Trust me I know its a total let down unless he is seeking sex only then its what ever.

http://mattforney.com/2013/05/28/why-fat-girls-dont-deserve-to-be-loved/

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The Army

The army is not all about guns and defending. Office jobs exist, and skilled jobs that a fat person can do.

When I went on campus the recruiters didn’t look my way. They noticed the slim girl and some just stood there I guess waiting for a non fat person. After making a call myself I learned that even if its a office job I still have to lose weight and be fit.

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Marriage

Being a fat woman in marriage is not really welcomed. If it is then he is lacking in something that you just put up with.

Heres a site for those who need help and encouragement in leaving their fat husband or wife. I found some places for men who claim they didn’t know their wife or gf were anorexic or if they knew how they stood by her side. Mean while the fat ones are being left for their own good. Both are a form of eating disorder, but one is loved, cherished, and people try to understand them and if your rude by saying just eat understand….that they have many defending them.

http://matildatuesday.blogspot.com/p/forum_10.html

http://matildatuesday.blogspot.com/

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Hate-My-Wife/1179801

Also according to one guy he is putting up with his gf (she doesn’t sound big like me, but average fat person) and even blogged how he wants to leave her and how big she is looking. Even mentioned how he has sex doggy style only so he doesn’t have to see her face! I don’t recall the blog, but seems I have to be skinny for so many reasons.

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On the streets

Don’t be poor or homeless and fat. People question and look down at that. The thin ones I seen appear to be on drugs. Watch any youtube video of poor people in America and some happen to be fat. Many of the comments get rude as well about it. I been up since 12pm yesterday….went to work…and now its a new day at 4:55am….wanna know why I can’t sleep?????? Well when on a very strict budget or low income all the cheap foods are unhealthy. Soda ect. and don’t get me wrong I enjoy them too. Frozen section has veggies for a dollar something, but to have a filling meal or something that just tastes good is in the cheap section…pasta this and pasta that so high in calories, but low on cost.

I can’t sleep because I AM HUNGRY. I BEEN UP FOREVERS!

My stomach is talking to me. I won’t cave in with rich pasta with sauce and tons of cheese over it. I just won’t. I’m doing to well yet I want to eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Low calories would be me heating up the veggies I have with maybe one slice of cheese …the end. I just rather not eat at all. The only thing I had today was a light yogurt aka 90 calories and mountain dew I believe 190 calories. I wanted  300 calorie donuts,but I knew I couldn’t just eat one, but two…so I left with my soft drink.

The broke and poor back in the day had fresh veggies and fruits and healthy fats like nuts and oil. The rich could afford all the unhealthy foods. Today times have changed.

I have to stop here. Must go in fetal position and watch the time go by.

Omg I’m hungry!!

But this is bringing me closer to my bf who then can be my husband.

I have to do this for my future unborn 3-5 kids you know :/

food….

Its been a battle, but back on track.

October 21, 2014

I been doing my best with all the stress thats been going on. I have to start all over re-losing the weight I had lose until I was laid off that time ago. My acne under control, my weight slowly going down (too slow for my taste) no longer 330 pounds, but as of today 299.4 pounds. Its been a moment and a serious struggle. Its 12:06am and I want to eat, chew, and swallow. My 3x size uniform clothes are starting to have some room, slowly guys are more friendlier…kinda if you ignore their sex want (never mention dinner and getting to know you…I’m not thin yet for those comments).

I never forgot the wise words of a pro ana online years ago. When fat guys want to have sex with you, when thin they want to protect you. I understand not all guys, but this the truth majority of the time.

1)I make sure when a skinny woman sees me about to board the bus/train…and thinks she can walk past me I speed it up and come right back in front (likely burns 10 calories just doing that)

2)When a guy opens the door for a thin woman I hurry as best as I can even limping (ankle spur) to go through that same opened door.

3) When someone thin says they need to lose weight…I agree. When they say do they look fat, I say a little. (Fishing for thin compliments from a obese person…not happening.

4) Same age range as me,both looked refreshed, both could use a 50 pound weight gain to make me feel better, and had came from having a good time, and maybe secret cousins of Barbie. Me tired, fat, long work shift on feet standing on a crowded train. Two guys got up for both of them, when I deserve a seat! It made me so upset I said loud enough to myself how I been on my feet all day and very tired! Barbie’s family and random two guys looked at  me as if I was crazy.

5) At work when a thin office worker tries to get me to do manly labor and even passing guys to get to me. I play stupid and somehow she ends up doing it. Thin women are strong if they want to be.

Life is unfair for those who are heavy. Have to try harder, work on having a personality,prove yourself that your a great worker when thin ones sit back,and lost opportunities.

Size 24 woman refuses to date again until weight loss, men see a thin woman online who shows up fat and ditches her.

October 8, 2014

Only feeders and seedy fetishists want to go out with me: Size 24 woman scared off dating websites by X-rated requests

  • Verity Brown, 38, stopped dating after regularly being told she’s too fat
  • The single mother from Birmingham attracted men with odd sexual habits 
  • Refuses to date again until she loses weight because it is so disheartening

 Feeders and fetishes – the perils of online dating as a plus size lady

Taking the plunge and signing up to a dating website can be one of the most daunting acts in a single person’s life.

But for single mother Verity Brown, the experience has almost put her off completely – because as a size 24, her figure has either deterred the right type of man, or attracted the wrong kind.

The 38-year-old from Birmingham has been approached by feeders, dominatrix-lovers and even men who are turned on by toilet habits.   

‘I was very honest about my size as I always have been, I have also lost a bit of weight in the last year, going from a size 30 to a size 24.

‘So I thought, ok, I know big ladies aren’t a lot of people’s cup of tea but I feel very comfortable with myself and let’s give it a go.’

Within the first 24 hours, Verity realised that online dating as a larger woman meant she attracted some very odd characters.

She said: ‘I got quite a lot of interest, but once you start messaging, I realised that the majority of men just wanted a hook-up – they just wanted sex.

‘Literally, within an hour of messaging they start asking what your favourite sexual position is, which is a bit disheartening.

‘Also there were a huge amount of married men on there.

‘I had a guy who asked me if I wanted a cuckold relationship, which is when a man likes to watch his partner with other men.

‘I also had someone ask me if I was interested in being his dominatrix.

‘Nobody took it seriously, I even had one man who was a lorry driver who messaging me at 9pm at night, saying, “I’m in Birmingham.”

‘So I called his bluff and said, “Oh yeah, shall I come and meet you now ?” and he was like, “yeah,” I said, “Get lost, it’s not a hook up site.”

‘You start to think, ‘Ok, I’ve had enough of this, I’ve had enough of the sex requests,’ because you feel like no one is taking you seriously.’

After becoming frustrated with her lack of success, Verity left Plenty Of Fish and signed up to Match.com.

But even more disappointing than the men with odd tastes and behaviour, were those who refused a second date because she was too big – even though she had made her size very clear.

She said: ‘It was at Plentyoffish.com when it started that I was told, I think you’re very beautiful and funny, you’re very witty and intelligent but you’re just a bit too big, you’re not a size 12.

‘But then I moved to Match.com and it just got worse.

‘I think it was because I made a point of saying, ‘You do know I’m a size 24?’ but people say, “Well you don’t look that big in your pictures,” so that’s a bit disheartening.

‘I have had a few nice dates, but it never gets past the first one.

‘I genuinely feel it’s because of my weight – men do not like fat women.

‘He’ll say, ‘You’re really lovely but you’re too big,’ I’m not hiding my size before the date at all though, so it is really frustrating.’

As a last resort, she signed up to a plus size dating website, but that brought with it a whole new range of strange men who were specifically attracted to larger women and a size 24, Verity found she was almost too small for many. 

Many of the comments said she should of took normal pictures aka average pictures. Not showing that she embraces who she is and not hiding. Other comments said she should stay off line and may find the one at the store, church, ect. as if she doesn’t go out already…many excuses when the truth is being a single plus size woman who desires a sane normal minded man is not easy to come by. I had my share of online dating with freaks who see a fat woman who must be easy or don’t have any values. They come messed up with either gross or degrading desires. Not just some, but many.

At work my fat self was offered by a co-worker to join a threesome and tonight offered me free sex. I said what about dinner dates, a ring, I mean…normal things to win the girl, hell how about  balloon and a party hat something besides free sex??!?

So I understand this woman. Once my 30 something year old former obese friend now among the skinny women….

1)Got offered a job on the spot….when she doesn’t need a job nor did she apply.

2) Online dating is better. Dinner dates, and many dates, and good looking men to boot!

3) She looks good in….everything. No more playing it safe or does stripes make me look wider ect.

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Men walk out on date after seeing shes fat, one even made up he had to go to the bathroom….and never returned.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2769315/From-escaping-bathroom-asking-pregnant-The-shocking-reactions-men-abandoned-Tinder-date-overweight.html#v-3807827859001

I made up a fake profile years ago. I said I was a lazy, size zero black girl. In school, but never will complete. I hate working….I had so many e-mails for men begging to take care of me, said I could work for their company, one very cute with a house and car and said he is not sure if I was joking or not, but I sound like his type (he was a engineer). I made a real profile of myself…and got tons of sex offers….no one wanting to care for me, but use me. I had to take my fake profile down….I got e-mails non stop.

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I failed of course. Day one started like this….and did a desperate move with ex roommate….never again.

October 5, 2014

Now I had the time of my life ……. ;(

Its 2:19am and trying to fall a sleep, but I been for the past 40 min and some been playing songs that have me in serious tears now. From I’m only human (a childhood favorite) to playing this about seven times Time of my life. From dirty dancing soundtrack (never seen the movie). The woman sounds so beautiful (she sounds thin for sure) the man sounds so in love. I can’t stop crying! I like music from my era, but back then songs had more meaning or goofy and fun like spice girls, to boy groups like Hi-Five (kissing game).

Portrait of a young black woman, model of fashion wearing dress and sun hat, with afro hairstyle in urban background - stock photo

DAY ONE (On oct. 3, 2014):

I had work and was woke up thinking of french fries and hamburgers. Food is a actual addiction for some and hate when people in the medical world are almost on the same page on agreeing. I mean I wouldn’t eat like this just because. Its not normal. I reminded myself I have a soda mono to do! I said over and over I can do this. I hurried to get ready to work with the two day ago promise that I would invite my past roommate over….desperate for male company I felt at least I knew of. I hated him four years ago and moved out when he was at work. Over charged me rent when he paid less for rent and electric. First time on my own in my life and Plano is over ratted place in Texas and pricey. He had a one bed room and I slept in that he slept in the living room. If he was good to me in a normal world we would of been bf and gf. Besides him not looking handsome,over charging me, he was cheap…………we went to a movie a cheap movie place he knew of. I got dressed up and discovered it was a cheap theater that played movies I never heard of. I was like ok. I forgot my wallet at home his ticket was 50 cents and so was mines. I told him I would paid him back once we get home. He said no. So he drove us alllllllllllllll the way back home and I locked myself in my room. He hinted to wanting sex, but he was clean, claim to be a christian man….many just hold that title for fun it seems. Years gone by he text me on and off. Time goes by you kinda forgive the wrongs.

Beautiful African American model posing wearing wool glows - stock photo

My red flags were.

1) Claimed to be busy and can only visit me at 11pm and can stay over if I like.

2) He was too happy to massage my ankles and feet. He said he would do it for free. I beg so called friends, co-workers. One said I’m I a lesbian…but like to pretend she loves the gays in front of their faces many act that way,but by me your so called friend asking is lesbian which came off as a neg. to be so. Co-workers were limping themselves and tired, paying a professional I can’t afford, so besides desiring wholesome male attention a massage was a bonus.

3) He said he can only come on his days off (when he gets to sit and drive school kids around sometimes). I said why not mines? I’m tired and have to help both average weight to very obese workers…he didn’t care. So after a long day at work I would have to wait up for him….him still being selfish. And when I said could you pick me up for work he changed the subject even though he is not too far from my job (15 min drive)

But when desperate you do stupid things and allow yourself to be mistreated.

Assistants applying make-up to a female model over white background - stock photo

I took a photo of of the scale after I weighed. 314…amazing coming from 318. Likely because super greasy foods…get things moving. I got a cherry pepsi 2 litter….issue was it was hot like most sold 2 litters I went country hidden behind a bush….you could still see me from waist up (lol) I drank it straight from the source. Feeling like ok I’m handling this diet well. Next min the large bottle went back up and I was in total bliss. I had to stop to hurry inside work to clock in. Long story short work was and has been more stressful with 30 residents on one hall vs 2 aides. And hearing other residents complain aka they want to feel like their the only ones that exist on the hall alone. Forget the other resident and hurry to them with pointless threats of leaving when we pretend like we care………..but deep down want to tell them PLEASE GO. And families never understanding feel like mom or dad should be the main focus….when all love ones want their dad, mom,grandma ,grandpa, to be the main focus, BUT won’t hire a sitter so they can have all the attention in the world. I snuck for a min. to drink more soda. As stress claimbs my desire for the drink increases, but with food items. The manager/DON pulls us to the side…….next min on lunch break I’m eating like I never ate in my life. I went wild on two sandwiches, excited with three yogurt smoothies, and everything went into a blare. I returned from break as if I had been on detox on drugs, but got another hit and can function again for the time being.

Young Gorgeous Black Woman wearing a dress and heels isolated on  a white background - stock photo

After work limping away from (with a two person) trying to push up heavy large people made me think of myself. And how no one really likes working with heavy patients because it hurts to do so. My wrist sore, back hurts, pain I didn’t have when I first started the job. Including other workers, some have to go to the doctor for pain shots, pills, after working with obese people. Thin residents are easier to care for even alone. I keep hearing about fat people die early…..no they vanish into nursing homes. After work I said at least I have something to look forward to.

He is Ethiopian (never buy that African men are better then black American men nd how lazy they are, and enjoy having kids out of wedlock….truth to that, but…..anyway…they like to tell me that including him! When so far….)

He came at 12am when I text him since 11pm I’m home. Feet hurting, ankles feeling weak…but somehow he is just leaving next min he is lost. I told him just forget it. He said no no, and text lol….he is off….I’m not.

I fight the urge to put my foot down. I wanted a male attention. I admit that.

I told him to bring something….since two days ago with daily reminders. I mean sheesh.

He came…..empty handed.

He came in and we talked as he massaged my feet and ankles I was in heaven. The pain in great. I heard him mumbled something about special massage. I didn’t care just kept telling him thank you for this. I really needed this.

Message in a bottle "Still hoping" on sandy beach. Creative hope and faith concept.  - stock photo

Next minute he began massaging my calfs. I was like wow I was hurting there too, but focus on the ankles. He said yes, yes, sure just relax in his heavy accent. He then stops and says he needs break. I said…well ok. We watched some save Maury.

Two obese women one latino and one white. Both with their own stories and angry with the men in their lives. I couldn’t help, but to look at my ex-roommate in the dim of the light as the tv blurred. The latino woman in a baby doll top and stretchy comfy pants with her hair in a snooky inspired hair style. She has been married for seven years and he never got a wedding ring from him. My ex roommate laughed …..I looked at him and said would you buy the woman you marry a wedding ring? He said…I don’t know. I shock my head knowing the true answer…no. He had a girlfriend in his country, but when they left their country she went to Canada and married a Canadian who sounds way better then what she had back home aka with him. After her he never found love again. He said it was easier to find love in his poor area. It was discovered she was being cheated on. He can’t love her that much if no ring in seven years not even a fake one. The white woman came up angry and how she believes her man is cheating. Her hair blonde, her clothes are ok like the first lady and like her he was cheating on her as well. She yelled its over….when fat how do you land a decent guy in a society of pro thin women?

Concept of loneliness in word collage - stock photo

He then says ok I’m ready. Back to massaging and my ankles getting the touch they deserve. He then moves back to my calfs. I say nothing because my whole body hurts, but the ankles and feet are the main focus. Next minute….he was at my thighs. I said what are you doing? He said relax. Your skin looks so much better and you look lighter its so nice…..(he is dark skin…and I’m not light to me ) I said what do you mean better and lighter? He said its ok never mind just relax..shhhhh shhh

*Skin care is wear sun screen 6-7 days a week. Lotion coco butter almost daily (evens out skin tone) and a resident who was trying to help me with my acne told me to buy grape fruit face wipes…I did but walmart brand) I had many co-workers say the same, but if they saw my past pictures from baby to early 20’s my current skin tone is lots of sun over the years and even then I don’t/didn’t consider myself light  skin. Vanessa williams yes. Also someone after seeing what I use said grape fruit makes the skin glow. I been telling strangers of all races and age groups who ask me randomly.

Anyway back on topic.

As a human who have desires too. He went up….up…..upppppp I was shocked, but speechless and yet a part of me was like just go ahead. I was under the blanket and I decided he can sleep over with some distance from me. I had on a tank top with my large fleshy arms out, and fat girl type of short shorts…not the skinny girl short shorts where if you fell and looked up….you would see a little too much. It happened so fast his hand touched my…………it was like my whole body woke up. I had a rapid debate within my self….and one side took over.

I saw him in my mind…

1) Not good looking

2) Selfish

3) Cheap

4) Won’t be a great provider

5) Not really marriage minded

6) Broker then me and thats like being homeless just about

7) My mind flashed back at that Mexican security guard who looks sooooo good. Tan looking skin with jet black hair and deep brown eyes…..then my mind went to the past like the Greek guy, the blonde french business man, the guy from Spain and the other from Russia once he said he was married he was on his own work wise, then I said STOP!

My mind said no way in hell you allow this when so many good looking broke men exist vs him if your going cheap.

And if thinner I could get a decent guy who could be my world if not my universe.

As soon as I moved I couldn’t see well, but he already seemed to have his………….out.

He said ok ok calm down. He got up and rushed in my bath room.

He came back and said sorry. He said thats like a massage too. Yup having sex to him is another massage because as he put it his ………..would be rubbing inside which would relax me. I almost lost it!

But I invited him in. I was crazy to do so, but tried to let it go. He laid down, I laid down.

But it doesn’t end there. He just started talking………..so how are your neighbors??? Its 2am at the time and already upset with him. I said in a not so nice tone……..I …HAVE…WORK SOON. When in pain, plus stress from job I’m tired and forced myself to wait up for a horny deadbeat guy. He said ok I’m sorry in between a laugh.

Few minutes later…..so you like you job?? I told him to stop it!!!!!!!!!!

Next min its 3am. Trying my hardest to sleep and not be so tensed because of him.

He said ok ok…….

I found out he gave up his place to live with a brother and sister (who has kids and single) who are ethopian as well. I thought one more thing and one more time in the dark of the night I’m kicking him out. I care less what his roommates think of him returning so late. He will just have to sleep in his van or face the music.

As soon as I finally about to sleep……….

I hear a sound. I breath deeper pretending to have now gone to sleep.

Angry woman - stock photo

I hear him scooting his body (I have no bed remember…so were on the floor)

I then hear him thinking out loud about how beautiful…..and in my mind I’m ready to try my hand in fighting if it comes down to it he won’t forget. I don’t believe in fighting and been the one to rather be attacked then fight back, but in this case was different. I felt a head ache coming. I know its 4am something and mad real mad that work is my future and 8 hours of sleep out the question. MEANING I was up from 10am that day before to now (at the time 4am something in the morning with no sleep. He had sleep I didn’t.

He touched my butt. I got up in the dark. I felt his eyes follow me. I lay on the other side of the room. He then says I’m coming too. I said no your not!!!??? I felt my throat like I was being chocked,but no one was touching me. I then told him to GET OUT. He said ok. It took no time for him to leave. He made small talk as he got dressed again. All I said was uh huh, right, hurry, you need to move faster or I’m throwing your clothes outside. He was gone and two days have passed and no text from him and I won’t ever want male company to the point someone like him so cheap he wouldn’t want to pay a hooker (he told me years ago). When we were roommates It would be lightening, raining hard and my last bus would be gone and he would refuse to get me. I allowed that in.

With only 3 hours of sleep and a total of 10 hours and some going to work, working and coming back home….I never slept so deep in my life. When I woke up I felt dirty for allowing that. He is no one I wanted. My day was spent eating candy,juice,soda for energy.

I only had myself to comfort. No one to share it with because I wasn’t in the mode to hear well you knew how he was before. Or shocked a girl like me aka good girl allowed just any form of touch….I would never hear the end of it…for life.And some people don’t change, but its your fault for letting him in ,ect. Its done, but no comfort to say its going to be ok, we all make mistakes. I get that its part of my fault for allowing him in. I told him two days ago don’t try anything sexual. He said no only massage. I had red flags I ignored because I was desperate for male attention.

DAY TWO

I still was thinking about being touched there of all places, but glad I stopped it. It never became intercourse (his main goal and why he was so happy about coming over to massage me). I didn’t want that on my track record in my memory.

When I weighed it read 315 up a pound.

So still back at the drawing board and just at lost on how to control myself when tired, stressed, and dealing with binge triggers. I tried not purging….but I have to starting tomorrow aka today and will record my weight. I love to eat, but purging seemed the only thing to help me.

…………………..

Overweight Woman Asleep In Bed Snoring - stock photo

What happens when I don’t weight daily, pics,extreme weight gain,and a ah ha moment for a promised mono diet that should work for me, but slowly kill my insides of yummy acid.

October 2, 2014

I didn’t weigh for a moment and on purpose. I hate seeing the truth and feeling the pressure to try…harder. I even got lazy with something so simple such as purging keeping it all down. I was bad recently I was in a its going to take me a long time to lose weight, so what one day would hurt? Even enjoying keeping all the food down, savoring greasy foods like it was rare wine or exotic chocolates.   There are times I do the right thing, but bad and good don’t mix if bad out weighs the good.

Two days ago I stepped on the scale and I went ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to 318!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my mind I said….shiiiit. What came out was nothing and I said I will do better….after…I eat this and have that. I wake up daily thinking of food.

I stepped in the mirror and took a photo…

Its a sad fact I can hold my own stomach and other abnormal talent with my body.

I took a photo from the side and it seemed my body stretched out badly and my breasts larger yes, but other things got bigger that are far from welcomed. I was, so disgusted I marched myself ready for work, stressing over not having enough study time (just finished studying and doing home work…its 3:01am and I’m tired, only my professor’s encouragement has kept me going.)

I put on my scrubs, put on some lip gloss…as if that would make things better. In the back of my mind I was thinking of my long distance friend I know maybe over seven years. I met her online by mistake as we were both trolling the net how thin women are treated better. We both set out to lose weight and try hard together. She was lucky in some ways such as she wanted to talk allllllllllllllllll the time, but I always had to work….full time, long hours, and live below my means to make it. Over time we got into texting since that was easy for me to stay in touch vs talking or logging on the net at pro ana blogs, and stores that sold size zero clothing ect.

We were both fat black girls and had a lot in common from the lifestyle we wanted, the men, the marriage and making our future husbands happy. We worked hard….I failed with being laid off, once fired, almost losing my apt, and her problems was being a outgoing well dressed fat girl going to places only thin girls were welcomed at. Over the years we went from being too nice due to upbringing as people ran over us to her not giving a shit and us relearning how life really is vs Barney’s playhouse. We talked about how we wear black too often to play it safe. We pretty much grew up together (just not in childhood.)

I wanted to give up she reminded me not to. Long story short she went from panda bear to sexy date-able woman…..we no longer relate. She works on maintaining and I’m getting bigger. I won’t tell her my weight out of shame since she was obese too when we first got to know each other. When we first got to know each other I wasn’t working yet. I was young, living with my mom, and we would talk till 4am in the morning. Life got real and next minute I’m supporting myself and don’t have much time for her unless through text. When I do have time its spent watching Good times since somehow I can relate to a broke family trying to get by. I watch that show like it’s a cult…or my guilty secret of sponge Bob and my adult self of Fatal attraction or the Steve Wilko show.

Her life as a new thin woman is dating loser men, good men…all men. Me….begging men want me, homeless men desire me, and older broke men see a future with me. Her life is the life we both wanted, but now….its just me. That was in the back of my mind.

I put on my sneakers ready to force myself in another day of labor and tiredness.

I said today will be different, today I will be on a mission….in need of a pay day loan because as usual don’t make enough with rent going up and I want/need a car, but with high gas prices I don’t know.

I was proud of myself it was sometime late in the afternoon. I didn’t eat yet. I then tried the healthy way and had two banana’s….from the mono diet idea.

And after

Filled with banana’s and hope I headed off into the heat to began my journey towards work but…..

I was in my work area too early.My mind went wild……Next minute….

It was so pretty I took another photo of it…

After drinking a med fruit punch and refilling (only drinking half of it)

I was in heaven. My limp walk had a pep in it’s step. I was in pure bliss thinking to myself of course for allowing me to be born in a era where wendy’s exist.

Shame washed over me….once it felt like it digested.

At work I had a diet coke,forced down some water and later on my shift for energy bought a cheap can of grape soda from the vending machine.

I got home thinking of my sorry life.

Then it happened.

Didn’t take a photo of the 3rd mountain dew. All this at 11pm something two days ago…and the next day no better.

I don’t understand how I can have some control,but when its gone its extreme. Likely ate over 5000 calories.

——————————————–

I looked online and only found people doing diet soda mono…some smoke along with it…and then there was a lady who died from drinking diet soda so many times only. She died a slim woman.

I will make sure my soda has calories. When I sip on soda it seems my world gets a little brighter. I savor every sip. Sometimes closing my eyes and love the fizz/acid on my tongue. When I have a soda its best I be alone. I felt my co-workers eyes on me as I sip and just was in the moment with my drink. I didn’t know what to do.

Any soda has 900 calories or less per two liter.

*Only allowed one two liter drink

*If hungry like I must have food, must be a protein  item (since its been proven it cuts off hunger…not cravings) Or veggie item, but mainly sticking to soda….mmmmm 🙂

No pro ana site or yahoo answer question I found who did this yet.

How can I fail on soda?

I mean thats what I want daily in a perfect world.

Mountain dew or pepsi are my main choices taste wise.