A randomly thin happy teen talked to me, a hard shift ended with a nice chat home with a normal guy,

When I was 17 I recall thinking 18 was the magic number that somehow things would get better.

No more pops or spankings…..one of the reasons why today I’m extremely anti spankings.

That life would just be better in general. I was slowly getting over never having a father figure since I was getting older.

I was sitting out front my nana’s house. The day came and I was officially 18. I sat outside just waiting for something to confirm things would be better. I thought well….next minute I was back inside.

I had work,but had to get up early to go to college only to fail my exam. I study, but I need more hours then a few hours here and there. Stress doesn’t help and I’m close to just dropping out until someday my life is not consumed with work where I can focus mainly in school and heavy study load. Every day my words and thoughts are I’m tired or/and the pain my ankle spur causes me to the point I have to crawl around my apt.

It took 2 hours of riding and waiting for the buses to get to the college. 40 min test taking only to score a D. Within the school there’s a waiting area for rides and people catching the bus. The long bench was empty and I sat there relaxed and tired with my arm out resting on the top part of the bench. I pretty much claimed it as my own.

Feeling aged and tired at 27. I mean I seen woman look more youthful and happy at 40 something because their lives were together me…I feel 75 on good days. I sat their embracing the 30 min bus wait. Out of no where a young girl asked me could she sit here? I moved my arm and made a small joke about it and said sure. She looked so happy, full of life and hope with a huge bright future.

She seemed to glow. A glow that would require chemicals for me to get close to the glow she had. Her hair curly, her body slim (guessing a size 6) her clothes youthful, everything about her I could forget I would ever be. Even if I reached goal there will always be something dark inside of me from being so unhappy for many years. That same dark part that makes me cry because I can’t forget my bad days and moments in life, and when I forgive I can’t fully forgive .

I found it odd why someone like her want to sit near me? There was another long bench only 10-20 seconds from the one were on. She randomly started talking all smiles (me fake smiling….pretty much what I do at work) about school and how many classes she was taking ect. Soon a guy passed by and she said you see that cute guy who passed by? I said where? Cute guys and me don’t mix….they look over me for girls like her I thought…so guys are invisible to me and any feelings for a guy such as a crush or what not I ignore and move on. Girls like her can look at cute guys and they look at her back.

I decided to take notice and their was a brown skinned guy with jet black curly hair and average build. I said he looks cute (mind mainly still wondering why is she talking to me) She said thats my brother!!!!!!!!!!! Not sure what to say I said oh wow….

She went on about family and tried to be nice telling her to focus in school. I told her she lives at home ,so school should be easier. More so since her home life sounded normal. She went on about her boyfriend and what education he was going for and how she is waiting for him to pick her up and thats why she didn’t ride with her brother….meanwhile I’m waiting for the bus. She then asked did I say my sister was dating a Mexican guy? I said no he is black like us . She said oh ok (she had said shes Mexican and thought I had one in my family)

She then went on about with her and her boyfriends income when married someday they will be able to buy a house with their careers. And have kids to spoil.

She was the 18 year old self I wish I could of been. Even if home life wasn’t close to perfect at least I could of had a boyfriend too who would pick me up. 18 year old me was busy binge eating,looking in magazines at size 0-2 modals, dieting only to fail, trying to make something of my life somehow, low self esteem, family not expecting much out of me, and not sure what to do next.

I heard the bus near by. Not wanting to miss it and deep down happy to be leaving Ms. sunshine I told her nice chatting to you and off I limped to the bus stop before it leaves.

I road the bus thinking about what someone I know told me…………

1) Its a dog eat dog world

2) No one will help you

I recall saying…ok……well….she made the world seem more darker. Meanwhile that 18 year old had friends actual friends who had a more bright out look and don’t tell her things like that during her bad times.

————————————-

Today work was long and tiresome. I wanted to just clock out and never come back,but bills keep me prisoner.

Its like I’m existing to pay bills on low wage. And thats pretty much the truth. It hurts to walk each step takes effort and I was just so tired.

I finally got to the train station after missing my bus after a resident insists on some for of bed bath before I go home. Just to keep the peace….

I got to the train station at 10:43pm. I got up on the slow old elevator not caring if I miss the train as well. Not going up flights of stairs with extreme pain.

I ignore men day and night.

1) Men ask me for money daily

2) After work I may have a car trying to follow me which scares me or see if I want to hope in their cars for obvious reasons or rides the bus/train and older wanting my number….mean while thin girls get older guys with SOMETHING vs broke and looking for a fat young and desperate type of girl.

3) When younger I use to take off my head phones trying to see what the guy wants or he had a question..? Each and every time it was about money give me money or they want to sale me something. I keep my head phones on ignoring guys and shake my head no pointing to my head set. If I’m on the phone and they asking for money I point and say firmly “Im on the PHONE”. Sometimes I share my struggles thats when they shoo me away when I start being honest how I need money.

When I was on the elevator I regret it.

I thought to myself please don’t say hi to me, smile at me, look at me,or stand too close me….the same thoughts I get about any man in this area.

He said hi to me.

I thought not now…not in the mood for this. To the few men who do say hi to me I admit I say a low hi and rush away as fast as I can. I don’t want to hear what comes after hi in my area.

I was trapped in the elevator and nowhere to rush away to. And its very slow. Slow where it needs to be replaced,but cheap city wants to repair it over and over to the point it moves so slow…

He said hi.

I said hi and thought he looks too happy for it to be this late at night.

He said you just came from work. I looked down at my scrubs and how badly I wanted to take them off and go lay down at home. I kept it to a short yea…and turned away facing the elevator doors. May sound rude,but had a guy threaten me with rape once as a pick up line and until I said I’m calling the police did he stop following me, one stalking me until he is still behind bars, the list long plus my daddy issues (I admit) , and the knowledge I have to be thin for a good relationship,sometimes I think I wish I was a lesbian instead.

He said I just came from work too. I glanced over and I was thinking ok he is lying. I said what job did you come from this late? By then the doors opened, but he kept talking. He worked at a retail job. I said you don’t look like your wearing a uniform. When I decided to take another good look at his clothes I could see he did work for the popular yet most disliked retailer. A retailer I use to work for. I told him I quit there twice (he laughed) I said I bet you hate it. He said no…I like it.

I thought he was joking or the lucky few who are favorites,so don’t suffer like the rest. I said your the first. Next minute we were talking about the company and for a rare moment I let my guard down. I thought to myself….he is too normal to be talking to me and no request for money or anything? He was of average build, almost same height as me, blonde hair and blue eyes,also in his 20’s.

The train came and I coming back to myself ready to forget such a rare moment. I rushed onto the train saying out loud well nice talking to you. I saw him right behind me boarding. I didn’t think much of it. I said he will likely sit somewhere away from me. I sat down making sure to find two empty seats and sat at the end of the end of the seat, so no one seats next me unless its too full then I will move over.

Right next to me was him. He sat right across from me. I was shocked. Somehow he began talking about his family and how unlucky he is. I was lost for words at first and said I’m unlucky too. I said if past lives are real I must of been real evil  and paying back greatly today. Oddly we had a lot in common from our love of pets, how are landlords can be too much, and when a middle age woman cut in the convo about her pets his focus was on me….not my pants or whats in my wallet, but he saw me.

A strange thing came over me. I felt comfortable with him like I known him a long time. On the train with many people soon I didn’t care who who heard our convo, or the black guy wanting to end it, for a rare moment I felt safe around this guy.

I wanted to continue riding the train just so we could keep talking, so I could listen. My stop came fast and I told him this my stop. When I got off I thought back how I wanted my distance.

I hope someday I can feel that way with someone. Comfortable and who sees me in a positive light vs what they can take away from me.

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