Worse day at work+being a cna=no one cares.

 

Sometimes I go back in time. I tell my co-workers (aides) of a time I enjoyed going to work and could see myself their until I got my education. I remember getting the laid off notice. I never been laid off before and it was very shocking. I was sitting their in HR asking her and the evil (still hate him) stock manager how will I survive? I remember almost breaking into tears as he not even our original manager hired others who would clock in and sit for HOURS on the clock doing nothing and many people notice, but me I worked my departments plus others to the point I skipped lunch breaks….was laid off. Some were shocked as well asking why me? I work so well. My department managers tried to save me begging him to let me keep my job, but he turned a blind eye…..and my life went down hill after.    After being laid off the following week I got bed bugs and since then I still sleep on the floor a year and a half later, then almost lost my apartment, then got hired at walmart and was treated badly by a assistant manager. 

The job I was laid off from….

I miss working around items worth hundreds, sometimes thousands.

I miss having lost a large amount of weight and receiving a new uniform that showed I had a shape no longer a blob

I miss going to work wearing make up or like the other girls/women rushing to the bathroom to place make up on

I miss watching my size 0-6 co- workers eating habits and how hungry they were only to reach for black coffee and after work the gym.

I loved leaving work in my black slacks and black top with my jobs posh logo. I wear scrubs now and no matter the design …..

I enjoyed the fact my job was with my co-workers not much customer service. 

I miss having bi-weekly pay and sometimes pedicures, no pedicure in three months and my feet look very ugly.

I miss taking pride in my job, if you asked me where I worked at I would tell you in a heart beat.

I miss on b days I was allowed off for that day/week if wanting to see family and was given a huge slice of cake. This job I begged could they allow me off early for my b day…I was told no. I spent my 27th cleaning poop, vomit, rushing to answer lights and got nothing. And when I mentioned its my b day I was told why didn’t I bring a cake when I can’t/couldn’t afford a cake let alone medicine for my ankle.

I liked seeing super thin modals come in to pose in the meeting room to show off this seasons new outfits.

I miss seeing beauty around me and people out to shop or window shop or try to shop lift only to get caught. People were not depressed.

I miss the holiday party we had for special shoppers. With my weight loss I wore a red silk top and fancy pants and flats. They had people serving ONLY the guests good wine and snacks and free gift wrapping.

Everything was pro thin and happy majority of the time besides that crazy co-worker I had.

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I want to cry now, but part of me is holding it in. I been at this job for three months and some days. Its been hell and I remind myself….your doing this for the bills. When I first earned my license a few years ago I was happy just like any other new cna/ nurse aide. I thought about all the old people who I would, and how easy the job would be because I don’t mind helping people at all. My mind was filled with the stereotype of former cookie baking grandma’s and funny grandpa’s who are now needing more help and no longer can do things on their own. Schools don’t share the harsh truth. They want your money and send you on your way with a smile as they enroll the next suckers. On the ads for CNA they always show some smiling woman with her hair in a tight pony tail or bun holding a clip board. At the time Still new to Texas state I was working at walmart. At the time they paid me 10.00 dollars a hour. My boss at this location was great, my co-workers were either great or just ok, life was fine, but I had this dying desire that I must be a cna and leave walmart to care for the elderly. And this was what I honestly was looking forward to.

 

 

I wanted to be a cna/ nurse aide so badly. I left walmart on good terms at 10.00 a hour for 9.25 a hour. I was like…thats the highest..? But I took it feeling kinda pressured since it was due to a good connection. I then was over worked. I was used by co-workers who turn off the call light and was told when I’m done answer such and such light. I enjoy peace and not a fighter and deep down knew what was going on, but was in denial. Problems got worse when word got out I was the nice one, other aides would ignore the residents small requests, but oh no not door mat me. I did it all. They would wave me down to say get me this, I want more pepper…walks all the way two-three doors and long halls to get to the kitchen for that little ol pepper , or begging the kitchen for a meal change because so and so saw so and so plate and think theirs look better. After work I would be so tired, because the bully of a aide made me do my work and hers. I was in my early 20’s and new. The lady I still know and former co-worker who told me I was going crazy (I said I wasn’t) she insist I was.) I didn’t trust no one at that job, so because I was weary of her….yup I was crazy. If you have 4 co-workers who are trying to make you their personal slave and here she comes ……????

I learned over the years everything she says she believes to be truth and someday I will drop her…..I declared I have no friends. Anyone I know are people who just want to talk and play perfect. She admitted she and others (after getting comfortable with me) said they thought I was slow…..yup me the one with no kids and baby daddies somewhere is the slow one. I was so hurt, but I held it in defending myself I wasn’t! Just because I believe in peace first before war don’t make a person slow. And what if I was slow….what gives her the right to just say such a  hurtful thing? Shes a aide too, had kids who had kids and no man in sight…it just kills me when people do that. The only other person is the one who said do I want to be white? Just two…..hoodish type people aka use of N word, and other low class behavior….but I need refs for now, so for now I forced myself to keep certain people who I will vanish without a trace someday. 

One day I told bully aide that I know how to do my job! The black mix with white and native American who preached on blacks sticking together as me a black girl was being a slave to her…I stopped doing her work and only did mines. She went from power to the people to who the fuck do I think I am?!  Her beach colored skin tone turned red in the face, her innocent bushy pony tail looked like a warrior ready for battle, her okish voice went straight street talk. I was speechless, only wiping the tables and getting things ready for dinner for the residents. She went straight into the back and got two tall black guys in our age group to tell them what I said to her. They came out with large grins as she pointed at me telling them the cruelest things about me. All because I wanted us to share our work equally not her in a corner surrounded by ebony skin toned women preaching about how she believes in black unity and love as I answered all her lights and mines to the point I was so overly tired, words could not explain! She would say she is training me as if I was still new as she sat down and I did everything alone. The guys were loving it. They were bus boys and dish washers who were doing their work only to be brought out as she lost it to the point  the DON had to remove her to a different department. Nice, door mat, considered slow me told her I know how to do my job didn’t sit well with her. I went home and cried in bed to myself. Wanting to quit, but couldn’t…..because of bills. 

Couple of months later almost making a year I quit to go to another nursing home. More hell and unhappiness. I thought ok I still like helping people and maybe a new nursing home would be better…I was wrong. I regret leaving walmart for a nursing home. 

 

 

I then got advice from that former thought of me as slow co-worker to be a sitter (she has her good moments too). I thought thats a good idea one on one. Only focus on that one person. Drama happened later on, assistant manager was on my side in secret and told me because I filed particle unemployment the head manager wanted me gone…..my hours were full time, then went so low I almost lost my place (which was 370 at the time). I was told to find another agency to make up the hours…I tried,but many wanted me to own a car. Long story short I was fired and afraid. No family such as two very successful aunts I have willing to help, a broke mother and a retired and wants money grandmother I had no one to turn to. I remember praying to the angels and if any God from any religion exists please help me. My former sitter 300 pound self applied to many jobs and no call backs, or interviews with the experience and few requiring NO experience turned my morbidly obese self away. I ate…and ate cheap foods from the food banks, bread that went bad the following day from the food bank and a few rare canned good items. 

There were few days I give myself a break and applied nowhere only drowning myself in more food and pity. I asked for the angels help….I was desperate part of me don’t think their even real, but childhood me who saw angels (hard to admit) said they are real and they hear me.  But its all wishful thinking likely.

I had no money after using my last that I had saved on rent and only a few dollars on food. I was lost. I remember being in this large empty parking lot just me and pavement and many empty parking spots on a recently closed store moving to a new location. I looked up at the sky and said I need your help (what did I have to lose appearing crazy in the middle of some large lot?) I opened my notebook full of jobs I had applied to who never called back or had me for a interview and never called back. I thought it wouldn’t hurt just to call these places back.

I turned page by page calling only to be told we would of called you, or after x amount of days you can reapply, or we already filled the positions. I thought one more call and I quit. I called and said I applied here a couple of months ago and heard from no one. The HR lady said why don’t you come in tomorrow for a interview? I said ok and thank you…over and over she laughed its fine. Next day I got there make up on, professional clothes….the store was large and beautiful and majority of workers were not fat,but thin. I thought ok I don’t have the job. I faked it like all my interviews as if I had a chance. I went home and laid down. Next day I got a call I had the job.

 

 

Laid off and now back in scrubs. Cnas do a lot. Have to deal with demanding family who think their love ones out of 14 per hall residents are number 1, strict upper management who are piling more rules and more work to a already filled shift thanks to never ending call lights…..the worse is when your standing next to that resident who keeps clicking the light by habit, family asking why isn’t this and that done asap/now when we have many and they couldn’t handle ONE family member that is related to them, if your caring for someone and not finish fast enough for so and so who gets angry you took 10 minutes for him/her to go to the bathroom only to find out for the 100th time false alarm and forget ever having a 15 minute legal break. When you try to explain to residents you deserve a lunch break he/she admits they don’t care that you never got to sit down or a bite to eat its all about them. When you try to ask them what they want to eat please don’t let them have any back pain ect such as I or they snap at you. If your caring for a resident some residents get jealous and will try to fuse why don’t you do more for them and again explaining they are not bed bound, so yes you do more for someone who can’t move, walk ect. 

Then the rare few make you think….ok its worth it. The residents who bring a smile to your face, who are happy that your helping them. Majority of residents on my hall ask when I’m coming back from my day off,dread having other aides when I’m off. I have high ratings with many residents, some even going to the office to tell them they want me instead of such and such aide. Did I get employee of the month…no…its more a favoritism type of thing being popular with the residents is not all it takes. Even though residents are the main focus. My life sucks, but to my co-workers and residents my life appears ok because I hide it. I want my residents to feel clean, cared for (no matter how special they can get). I do a lot, I sweat, sometimes I feel sick because I never get to sit down unless its lunch break, my ankle is throbbing in pain, but I push myself….for my residents and bills. The understanding residents have told me they see me working hard, and that I do more…..my door mat habits have not totally died. One told me two days ago I go like a robot never stopping. My back hurts, ankles, and soul feel damaged. I keep going…what choice do I have?

Unlike the ads all residents are not super old, but few young, some middle aged and many elderly.  

I have came home a couple of nights and cried softly to myself to sleep due to the treatment some residents can do….because no law exists protecting the aide.

Let a aide hit a resident its all over the news….oh poor old person, but a resident harms a aide (and many of them are strong!) no news not even a article. The picture is painted old is innocent worker is evil abuser.

 

When my former (another lady) was punched repeatedly in the stomach (even men and women nurses were afraid of him) where was the news? Where was the online articles of the actual over worked mistreated aides at? The first thing they did was blame it on his dementia. When his wiife came she said no he was abusive to her through out the marriage. 

Or how about the very old resident who hit his aide so hard she became blind in one eye….wheres her justice? Wheres the news? I can find on youtube of elder abuse, but wheres aide abuse that is very common?

And wheres the coverage of how rude, the family can be as well?

Aides have no rights, are not considered human, and to put up with everything and told to be the bigger person.

Instead of nursing homes as a whole putting their foot down (stop being greedy and care for your considered lower caste employees) and say if so and so harms our employees they have to leave. Upper management allow us to go through hell and back again because they don’t work with the residents and do more pointing of do this and that and walking to find flaws , so their safe from harm both emotionally and physically. 

 

Will try to say what happened without saying too much. My shift started like any other shift. Thinking how I wish I wasn’t single and had a decent guy, and I can do it just take one day at a time. Longer story short we have a middle age black resident who has a good side, but been only showing his bad side. I give it to residents they rather be elsewhere then in a nursing home. For me I rather be in  nursing home no more worries of losing my place, being homeless ect. 

I asked this resident what would he like for dinner? He yelled at me saying don’t you see me on the phone! In a meek voice I mumbled sorry….and left. He had one of those phones that make you look like your talking to yourself and he wasn’t talking he was listening, so I didn’t know.

Trying to reclaim myself , walking with my head down in shame because he did it in front of workers and other residents….

I have put up a lot with this resident and so have others ….yet other aides are written up for doing their job and he remains. 

*LATER*

I saw him with his walker and asked him would he like me to open his room door for him? He sound angry and said no I can open it myself! I said…ok and left.

*LATER*

His new demand goes against state rules and what I was taught. He wanted me to now (out of nowhere) to start wearing gloves to turn on his air or bring him a blanket ect. Were not allowed to put on gloves before entering any residents room. I told the D.O.N/DON and she said your right and he is crazy and just keep doing what your doing. I said ok. Moments later he put on his call light for me to turn on his air (one button that requires one finger).

I went back to the DON. Long story short they took his side on things and said this is his home (even though we follow state rules that require us to throw away items that can be a risk to them). If state was to come….who gets in trouble me! State would agree its his home BUT….

He told them in his loud voice and they wanted him to calm down and just let it go by letting him have his way. I got upset and said I’m not returning to that room, he ease dropping from his closed room door yelled out good send someone else then! I told them I won’t allow someone to just yell and change up rules at me.

They told me that they think the medical (yes wiping poo and pee, lifting heavy residents, being barked at to do more, rushing around is very medical….vs the nurses and office staff who are not as hands on with the residents compared to cnas and office staff maybe a hand shake or a hello Mr so and so) field may not be for me 

The DON and her office buddy told me how long I been a cna? I said some years. They said they seen worse and how this is nothing and how residents have said more extreme things and behaved wrongly and they went on and on….I told them me too I had terrible residents too, but thats not my point. They went on to say pretty much he can do and say what ever he wants and how he wants. I asked them so cnas don’t matter? They said I have to be the higher person in this. 

I later told my nurse its sad that a resident can pretty much attack us, degrade us, and its ok. She laughed and said thats the American way. I call it the we care less for aides only money and will allow any resident to do as they please for it. 

The DON said to her co-worker you can’t beat a dead horse aka me. And they left me there saying they will deal with it tomorrow. Aka me either being fired, sent to a worse hall away from my permanent hall is all I can think of. 

What made it worse was they were following the rules and just to keep him happy and shut him up now were against me and how I may need to pick a new major where they really going about it. I said this 100 times if I ever become a nurse I won’t work in a nursing home or the elderly. Babies or middle age*in a different environment.

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After the above happened to me yesterday (its 3:32am now)

I called my mom….seeking comfort really. My day was awful and part of me wanted to eat the world the other just sit in a corner and cry. I called her on my lunch break hoping to hear it will be ok. And know it can be hard. Instead I got a loooong thing about when she was a nurse how she was professional……all this started when I asked her if she was in my shoes right now meaning after all is said and done what would she do? She said she would never get to where I’m at in the first place, so don’t have a answer for me. And how she  took care of her people and that its normal for them to act that way and how she would of been happy to wear gloves when not needed for him. I got upset and we went back and forth and she said listen you asked for my opinion and your upset I didn’t side with you! I told her thats why she stayed in a deadly ten year marriage being abused,so I’m not impressed. She said ok I have to hang up now so and so is calling…..a guy she met in texas who lied to us about where he worked and kept lying because he would think he is texting so and so when he was texting my mom sending her new lies met for someone else. 

His lies include 

1) Being a zoo keeper

2) Owning a porn site

3) Claiming he has a lot of native american family members and can live on the reserves

4) A supervisor 

5) A bus driver

That made me more upset that someone like him was perfectly fine, but unprofessional me….

I had 500 and something calories and after what happened yesterday it went up to 772 calories. I wanted a binge with no purge. I wanted to eat and eat and eat until I could only feel pain in my stomach and have to sleep it off. I wanted to solve my problems in burgers and fries and anything sweet. I kept replaying what they said to me and what I said to them and that resident’s ways. How by him over hearing me not wanting to  go in his room they claim is borderline abuse and I told them he is abusing us as well and they said its not the same. 

 

 

I said ok my mom’s a bust. I called my first former co-worker at my first nursing home who revealed she thought I was slow because I didnt react how she felt I should have. I was new, shy, and learning so much only to be used and thats what gave me the title of being slow.She works at a nursing home too….and EVERYDAY she complains about co-workers,residents, things she has done and how she wants to use my phone again MY phone to call corporate on what they are doing. How she refused to go in a residents room (which they granted) vs mines said I HAVE to go in. Somehow everything she does is perfect and she always tell me if she was me she would tell them straight ect. blah blah but then says she ignores her co-workers and says nothing to them…..but for me I should of told them off. Me being the person I am listen to her without judgement, there are days I don’t care to hear about the same people at her job, but I go ahead. I call and its you know how these jobs are and we talk about it all the time. And you don’t have to go back if you don’t want to just look for a job and I have to go now something about family when I can hold the phone for hours listening to her woes………………

Again I’m keeping certain people for a limited time only for resume/ref purposes. 

I came home tired and feel like someone just beaten me until I can’t fight anymore.

I looked at my playful cats too worn out and sad to play with them.

I had only myself to comfort. 

No food to temp comfort me. To make my mind focus on chewing and eating like its my last day on Earth I had nothing.

No food to make my mind happy as if I was rewarding myself over and over again. 

No chewing….

During typing this somewhere in the middle I had to stop to cry hard. Everything in life is hard for me and things would be different if thin at least. 

I allowed myself freedom to cry and temp it felt so good.

 

Getting zzzzzzzzzz

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