Today….

Giving binge and purge a break…since yesterday and today.

I’m doing my best not to binge. I have to give my all to force a diet coke instead of a heavy calorie drink and meal. I’m stressed out and full of worry and I found myself looking online on my cell phone at Taco Bells menu, wendys, and mc donalds. Adding calories and seeing it can get so high, but can I have control for a dollar menu item? I knew full well I would go over a dollar and want the real deal. My mouth watered (not lying) and I just laid back down and took a deep breath. Few minutes later I was up rushing to get ready for work (semi limping thanks to ankle spur, but I made it) Through out the day randomly I was temping myself within my mind of cheap mc Donald  apple pies, Host brand cupcakes, I wanted a serious binge a real binge…not a pint of ice cream type of binge, but a obese person type of binge. I also had thoughts of me in a two piece and uploading tons of pic.

 

Today I…

Had 1298 calories

Worried about affording school (due 120 on the 10th)

Wanted to cry since my whole life been nothing but a struggle

Wanted to walk off the job, but bills keep me trapped ….cleaning bm and vomit all day, lifting heavy residents and back is killing me.

Thought if slim I would rather be a stripper or a waitress at hooters then this and get paid better. I can’t dance or anything special, but willing to risk it.

Thought it sucks being single….so lonely.

Had a war of yes no yes no yes no to more food.

Felt numb as usual after work. Clock out at 10:02pm, miss bus  that comes between 10:02pm-10:04pm, stayed inside and chatted to co-workers who have cars and know I ride the bus (I live in Dallas…enough said. I heard Austin from someone who was blind and moved from Dallas whose co-workers wouldn’t drive her to the a 3 min ride to the train station..says in Austin people are so much nicer vs Dallas) I chatted knowing my bus was gone anyway. Went outside at bus station 10:17pm, bus came at 10:37pm, caught the train in time by forcing myself up a long flight of stairs…stopped mid way to catch my breath, then continued and here came the train. Got to the next bus, bus left at 11:18pm, got home at 11:26pm. It took more then will power to ignore the serious desire for packets of my raman noodles once I got home.

Binging won’t solve my problems that’s for sure, but during the moment its a break from life for me.

Tomorrow I’m going crazy on water and raman (my day off) and study my butt off and hope they drop my class. Ihave came home sometimes only to drop off to sleep asap…so not much studying like I’m suppose to. Its hard to have control on my days off nothing to keep me away from food because I’m so busy….so raman noodles which has two servings per pack at 190 calories per serving,  …sounds like a upcoming purge. Gross, but I can’t stay fat forever and not getting any younger. I have to do this to move on with my life.

I’m at the point in my life I will purge, take diet pills, and wish on a shooting star for my results.

 

Thinspo/weight loss quotes I found encouraging.

 

 

 

 

 

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