Binge eating is self punishment which then becomes a habit- 281.2

I mentioned in the past I binged for the first time when I wasn’t fat. I had to deal with my mom being abused, trying to call the cops (before cell phones existed) only for my ex step dad to out run me and snatch the phone cord out the wall, same guy who punched holes in the wall. My first binge was 4-5 peanut butter sandwiches and large cups of sweet fruit punch.  At the time I thought he was my real dad and never understood why he treated my two younger sisters better. Any little mistake I did was almost major, I could never do anything right. Besides random women coming to our door when he was at work to say they are having his baby, he was over all terrible. Picture being punched thrown to your knees on hard floors and I felt powerless to stop him from harming her. I begged my mom to leave him when we were alone. Being married ten years to a monster and with a therapist she was seeing to cope with it all threaten to take us away if she didn’t divorce him….then freedom came. No more spankings from someone who closes you in a room with a large grin and spanks you so hard all you can do is scream. I felt unloved, unworthy and lack of attention and all I could do is eat.

I kept in my room coloring. Bending hangers to make shaped ducks, I would take out note book paper and tape it up to draw a large map of pretend islands with blue tribal people with their own way of life and sea and mammal life. I went out to the backyard and saw our star fruit tree. Bright yellow fruit and I thought if I plucked them down and sold them I could make some money. Being young a dollar is being rich. I went door to door (I believe 5 homes) and sold each fruit for 25 cents. I came home proud and told my step dad with joy in my eyes. He took me and gave back the money to each home and told them to keep the fruit. They even told him he could keep the 25 cents,but he wouldn’t have any of it.

I still fight with these demons of I’m a failure, can’t do anything right and my young under aged self only ate. I feel I missed out on my younger years and teens because it was filled with sadness. I was forced to go to church, I prayed and even danced in the pews to upbeat music, and in my prayers would beg God to save me and save me from myself. Sometimes praying for him to let me die. Nothing happened and made it known I’m not going to church to give away money to make the pastors look good. Pastors who brag on their flawless skin, cars, and going to the holy land to five star hotels as some members struggled to keep their lights on. Anything bad happened it was God was testing us anything Good God was blessing us, if someone died it was their time if they lived God saved them.

As a teen trying to discover and find myself. I got a book on past lives. I was 14 or 15. My faith came back that God is real and that its ok. I will be ok and I no longer feared death if I was coming back anyway. Mom found that and threw it away and off to church I was meaning never missing a Sunday. Back was my fear and all things neg. Since the church had preached against Harry Potter, part one and two that my nana had bought me was in the trash too.

 

My strict christian upbringing ( use to secretly try to listen to Eminem, and oldies and more so rock music…since that was worldy music), witnessing abuse, and my envy of my classmates….Peter was behind in math mommy and daddy got him a tutor for the reason why he was no longer in ESE math with us. My mom told me I should of paid attention and ask the teacher. I wasn’t a rapid learner like my younger sister, so I was sent upstairs to figure it out as my mom continued with my sister. I went ahead and watched cartoons after trying to figure it out. I wanted to cry….but food and bugs bunny made it all better. The school simply passed me through since I already didn’t get to go to the next grade that year before. 

 

Unloved, slow/not smart, I can’t do anything right……….I ate. I was labeled and I was bullied in middle school. I could never win.

 

When I look in the mirror I see my weight as a self reflection of pain, sadness, and stress.

And when I go out the door everyone can see it.

I now say food just tastes good….when really binging was the only thing that I could do to cope.

Even on rare good days I would binge. Its now  habit no matter the mood I forever have to tame.

 

I still do binge , but then I purge to give myself a second chance…or a third…fourth…

 

Yesterday (1:44am now) I didn’t binge. It felt so odd not to binge. To ignore the urge for a cheap cheese burgers and dollar fries. Hours I had to do my best to ignore the real desire for it. I saw it in my mind’s eye biting into soft bread  in to cheese and meat and drinking large gulps of orange Hi-C (refill please). At work I rubbed my stomach (some thought I had a stomach ache) as comfort.

 

YESTERDAY I had:

1) One mango snapple 200 calories

2) Soda 190 calories

3) One cup of watermelon 46 calories

= 436 calories

 

 

Binging today (without purging) is a form of self punishment, purging is another form of self punishment,but gives you another chance. Not binging gives your body a break. Binging isn’t done for fun or on purpose. It is strong and majority of the time when you try to ignore it, it only gets stronger until you cave in and regret promising yourself tomorrow.  To outsiders its all about will power, and why do you eat so much, or just have a small portion…if it was that simple no one would be obese.

In my opinion.

 

Anyone who binges a real binge a actual binge. They have a past that trigger them to binge like so…it could be:

1) Moving out of their parents home

2) Copying their friends or marriage/boyfriend/girlfriend eating habits.

3) Many rape victims end up binging or other eating disorders. Its common to be slim, get raped and now obese. Without knowing it you are trying to hide your beauty in fat to prevent from ever being harmed again (larger women can be raped too, but if slim some gain weight)

4) Moving on to the next grade and being the only one who knows no one

5) Medication can increase appetite (depending on drug)

6) Extreme boredom

7) Depression

The list can be long.

 

At some point no matter how your day went it also becomes a habit.

 

 

When people see a thin person they never think how they stay or became thin. They are the picture of IDEAL health. I’m losing weight, my co-workers are impressed at the rapid weight drop. They think I eat normal or a lot (depending on who you ask), but its my job working on my feet keeping the pounds flying off (WRONG, low calories or purging).

A woman who is a size 14 can be healthier then a woman a size 6.

 

I don’t have time for healthy and not in the mood for slow results.

I want people to see me and want my size, I want to be loved and desired, I want people to see me not oh the big girl, I want men to want me (not just any man, but my type aka going somewhere or already there in life), I don’t want people to see the fat black girl and place me in a box, I want the nicest clothes, I want to wake up thinking ok my life sucks, but I have this amazing body, I want to take a lot of pictures, I want to enjoy life…..because I can…because society will say it’s ok and won’t limit me or ban me due to my size/weight. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: