Archive for September, 2014

So he’s interested….but I won’t be second choice.

September 29, 2014

To be honest many women are second choice, 10th choice or what ever random number you can think of, BUT its not right in their face most of the time.

At work I been feeling it. I get the I’m some ideal girlfriend and it hurts to care of a resident around my age, cute as hell, and the type I would of gotten with ONLY admits to like me because they happen to be very disabled. Before they became so disabled I know I would not even be considered. Telling me you love me, think of me every night….means nothing to me. It amazes me when at their lowest I then become worthy since their ideal is likely somewhere having a good time with a guy I deserve.  And in my life time some years apart of each other had a total of three brain damaged guys interested in me.

-Forget I long for a relationship to the point I think maybe it’s not real anyway.

-That if a guy treats me right I promise I would never let him down.

-To experience life together both good and bad.

I could go on and on……….but it means nothing because I’m fat. And fat comes last in everything.

Even fat guys look at tight ,flat tummy thin girls before they see a fat girl.

One some years ago was a Native American/white, Jet black hair, blue eyes, and suffered some damage due to a motorcycle accident which ruined his speech, had to let go of driving anything and said he suffered some brain damage. He wanted me really badly. He shared his life and how after his life was ruined his girlfriend left him for some other guy who abuses her. He worked with stock numbers in New York, he shared his past career and how he made sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much money and had all these things. All I could think of was where was he when life was full of fun, wealth, and romance? Was he looking for a fat girl then? Now he works for a small chain taco place as a cashier, making 7 something a hour, and gets a disability check. If I known him back then I would of stuck by his side….but not interested in someone who would never see me in a sea of thin, high heeled women around them (or more likely when they go searching for one).

I been at this job for four months now. One co-worker is a Nigerian guy and I admit he is cute, funny, and trying to improve his life through education. There is another co-worker who I like as well is a short, flirty, black girl. She is over weight, but not obese….like me.

There was something between them….but she’s a flirt meaning her interest in him didn’t last, but she said they were friends. Like me shes a bus rider. As I waited 30 minutes at 10pm for the next bus (since I missed it thanks to the residents) and on weekends taking a long limping 40 minute walk to a locale train station he would give her rides right on past me to drop her off at the same station, even waiting for her to finish before going. I would catch them talking, meeting each other ect.

She made it clear she has no interest. She has kids and later I learned so does he. Me zero.

Since she’s not interested and now he tried to make small moves with me. I brush off as a joke. Sucks for him, but after seeing the flirts, passion, rides,…..I want my own guy. Not going to be second choice.

He even agreed with me about saying a woman can stay home and he works, and how he wants love aka sex, and company and all these other things. I thought wow….

I then asked him about recently him going on a exotic trip and taking a lady office worker with him on this sunny romantic trip HE IS PAYING FOR. This lady looks like a size 8 or 10. He offered her randomly sometime last week.

Over weight girl got: Rides, sweet sayings.

Office worker of average size who doesn’t know he finds her a possible partner: Paid trip vacation and yes she was happy. He makes the same wage as me so this is coming out his savings.

Obese girl aka me: Gets speech about what he wants in a woman and seems I’m last choice as in he could be desperate and more so for his kids to have a mother figure as well.

No rides or random vacation offer.

As he leaves for the future vacation in hopes of love and comes back with a broken dream.

I won’t be there as plan C.


Attractive young woman ( Acting ) as someone in pain or sad. - stock photo



September 28, 2014

I bought banana’s some days ago…for my mono banana. I snacked on banana’s with other things. I mentioned mono chocolate…..and found myself eating banana with chocolate. A very nice combo I must add….kinda like a year ago when on low carb…….Atkins chocolate low carb milk shake goes well with subway cookies. Or years ago during my teen years and when Richard Simmons  was still kinda popular….he had this meal a deal where you slide down the portion you ate. In the little booklet he had this sweet treat recipe that was calorie friendly. In  nut shell a strawberry short cake and instead of one….I had …five..???

Its so sad I feel I have to return back to purging. I can’t handle food. So much going on a full time job, full time schooling and tired. Ad deep down I do hate purging. I’m not rich and wasting food is hard to do, but the foods I buy tend to be cheap…but still.

So many diets exist, so many work, but problem is sticking to them. Its hard to stick to diets. I was thinking today that if given one more chance to be thin I would’t ruin it. Being fat it seems a long ways to go.

So much on my mind….


Chocolate mono diet, cute Latin guy I can’t have, and still considered obese.

September 26, 2014

Tomorrow aka today (its 1:10am) I want to start a mono chocolate diet. Not into the healthy way at all. Maybe if I was 14 years old with time on my side, but at 27…um…no. Mono diets are healthy in a way your body has to process one type of food. I love chocolate,but also love pasta, sweet cereals, hamburgers….so this diet will be hard for me too. I may post progress pics after…maybe. I want to try to do this for 2-3 days…deep down I want ten days, but I fail a lot to even think of ten days.

I’m just going to buy one large regular (no almond candy bar and eat a piece here and there)

I got the mono chocolate idea from here:

I plan on following her guidelines. I may get dark chocolate for its benefits.

Going to take a break for the scale. I have been for a few days. I will just depend on my clothes temp. then go back to my scale obsession (more so after using the bathroom).


At my apt. we have a new security guard. Mexican, brown skin, and jet black hair, and average build. I learned my lesson about guys. If they appear too good to be true they don’t want a fat girl. I think I was 19 when a South African guy at work I had a crush on. He had short black curly hair and eyes large like a deer in head lights and unlike me he had brown freckles on his cheek (mines located on my tongue sad yes). I made it, so obvious I liked him…but noooooooooooooooooooooooo oh no he went after thin girls in two piece bikinis who giggled that he followed them leaving the work place onto the beach itself! I admit I was glad his thin two piece loving self had to return back to South Africa due to his visa being up. On his last day he simply told me bye and tried to exchange e-mails. I threw it away. I won’t be used to aide in your green card ONLY for me to be fat, dumped as he becomes  citizen for thin girls of America. Anyway I thought this new guard looks cute. Part of me wants grab onto his ankles and beg him to take me with him! Me a fat limping, ankle spur hurting, tired woman is not ideal right now. Some years ago a guy from Spain who was a manager told me nicely I continue to look at him….I told him thank you. And I continued to stare afar as he continued to stare at the very slim, blonde, tanned manager from the other department. I didn’t get him, and he didn’t have her (secretly happy at his outcome). Barbie then had quit her job for better pay and something about her adopting a daughter from Asia somewhere. He was left me with fantasizing. Likely sucked for him. Kinda like having  a bad a** rock band and all your fans are screaming fat girls.

So like all men that look good I will continue with eye candy and can only dream. All the small talk and at the end he tells me good night ma’am 😦   ma’am…..


Going to study myself to sleep.

A randomly thin happy teen talked to me, a hard shift ended with a nice chat home with a normal guy,

September 16, 2014

When I was 17 I recall thinking 18 was the magic number that somehow things would get better.

No more pops or spankings… of the reasons why today I’m extremely anti spankings.

That life would just be better in general. I was slowly getting over never having a father figure since I was getting older.

I was sitting out front my nana’s house. The day came and I was officially 18. I sat outside just waiting for something to confirm things would be better. I thought well….next minute I was back inside.

I had work,but had to get up early to go to college only to fail my exam. I study, but I need more hours then a few hours here and there. Stress doesn’t help and I’m close to just dropping out until someday my life is not consumed with work where I can focus mainly in school and heavy study load. Every day my words and thoughts are I’m tired or/and the pain my ankle spur causes me to the point I have to crawl around my apt.

It took 2 hours of riding and waiting for the buses to get to the college. 40 min test taking only to score a D. Within the school there’s a waiting area for rides and people catching the bus. The long bench was empty and I sat there relaxed and tired with my arm out resting on the top part of the bench. I pretty much claimed it as my own.

Feeling aged and tired at 27. I mean I seen woman look more youthful and happy at 40 something because their lives were together me…I feel 75 on good days. I sat their embracing the 30 min bus wait. Out of no where a young girl asked me could she sit here? I moved my arm and made a small joke about it and said sure. She looked so happy, full of life and hope with a huge bright future.

She seemed to glow. A glow that would require chemicals for me to get close to the glow she had. Her hair curly, her body slim (guessing a size 6) her clothes youthful, everything about her I could forget I would ever be. Even if I reached goal there will always be something dark inside of me from being so unhappy for many years. That same dark part that makes me cry because I can’t forget my bad days and moments in life, and when I forgive I can’t fully forgive .

I found it odd why someone like her want to sit near me? There was another long bench only 10-20 seconds from the one were on. She randomly started talking all smiles (me fake smiling….pretty much what I do at work) about school and how many classes she was taking ect. Soon a guy passed by and she said you see that cute guy who passed by? I said where? Cute guys and me don’t mix….they look over me for girls like her I thought…so guys are invisible to me and any feelings for a guy such as a crush or what not I ignore and move on. Girls like her can look at cute guys and they look at her back.

I decided to take notice and their was a brown skinned guy with jet black curly hair and average build. I said he looks cute (mind mainly still wondering why is she talking to me) She said thats my brother!!!!!!!!!!! Not sure what to say I said oh wow….

She went on about family and tried to be nice telling her to focus in school. I told her she lives at home ,so school should be easier. More so since her home life sounded normal. She went on about her boyfriend and what education he was going for and how she is waiting for him to pick her up and thats why she didn’t ride with her brother….meanwhile I’m waiting for the bus. She then asked did I say my sister was dating a Mexican guy? I said no he is black like us . She said oh ok (she had said shes Mexican and thought I had one in my family)

She then went on about with her and her boyfriends income when married someday they will be able to buy a house with their careers. And have kids to spoil.

She was the 18 year old self I wish I could of been. Even if home life wasn’t close to perfect at least I could of had a boyfriend too who would pick me up. 18 year old me was busy binge eating,looking in magazines at size 0-2 modals, dieting only to fail, trying to make something of my life somehow, low self esteem, family not expecting much out of me, and not sure what to do next.

I heard the bus near by. Not wanting to miss it and deep down happy to be leaving Ms. sunshine I told her nice chatting to you and off I limped to the bus stop before it leaves.

I road the bus thinking about what someone I know told me…………

1) Its a dog eat dog world

2) No one will help you

I recall saying…ok……well….she made the world seem more darker. Meanwhile that 18 year old had friends actual friends who had a more bright out look and don’t tell her things like that during her bad times.


Today work was long and tiresome. I wanted to just clock out and never come back,but bills keep me prisoner.

Its like I’m existing to pay bills on low wage. And thats pretty much the truth. It hurts to walk each step takes effort and I was just so tired.

I finally got to the train station after missing my bus after a resident insists on some for of bed bath before I go home. Just to keep the peace….

I got to the train station at 10:43pm. I got up on the slow old elevator not caring if I miss the train as well. Not going up flights of stairs with extreme pain.

I ignore men day and night.

1) Men ask me for money daily

2) After work I may have a car trying to follow me which scares me or see if I want to hope in their cars for obvious reasons or rides the bus/train and older wanting my number….mean while thin girls get older guys with SOMETHING vs broke and looking for a fat young and desperate type of girl.

3) When younger I use to take off my head phones trying to see what the guy wants or he had a question..? Each and every time it was about money give me money or they want to sale me something. I keep my head phones on ignoring guys and shake my head no pointing to my head set. If I’m on the phone and they asking for money I point and say firmly “Im on the PHONE”. Sometimes I share my struggles thats when they shoo me away when I start being honest how I need money.

When I was on the elevator I regret it.

I thought to myself please don’t say hi to me, smile at me, look at me,or stand too close me….the same thoughts I get about any man in this area.

He said hi to me.

I thought not now…not in the mood for this. To the few men who do say hi to me I admit I say a low hi and rush away as fast as I can. I don’t want to hear what comes after hi in my area.

I was trapped in the elevator and nowhere to rush away to. And its very slow. Slow where it needs to be replaced,but cheap city wants to repair it over and over to the point it moves so slow…

He said hi.

I said hi and thought he looks too happy for it to be this late at night.

He said you just came from work. I looked down at my scrubs and how badly I wanted to take them off and go lay down at home. I kept it to a short yea…and turned away facing the elevator doors. May sound rude,but had a guy threaten me with rape once as a pick up line and until I said I’m calling the police did he stop following me, one stalking me until he is still behind bars, the list long plus my daddy issues (I admit) , and the knowledge I have to be thin for a good relationship,sometimes I think I wish I was a lesbian instead.

He said I just came from work too. I glanced over and I was thinking ok he is lying. I said what job did you come from this late? By then the doors opened, but he kept talking. He worked at a retail job. I said you don’t look like your wearing a uniform. When I decided to take another good look at his clothes I could see he did work for the popular yet most disliked retailer. A retailer I use to work for. I told him I quit there twice (he laughed) I said I bet you hate it. He said no…I like it.

I thought he was joking or the lucky few who are favorites,so don’t suffer like the rest. I said your the first. Next minute we were talking about the company and for a rare moment I let my guard down. I thought to myself….he is too normal to be talking to me and no request for money or anything? He was of average build, almost same height as me, blonde hair and blue eyes,also in his 20’s.

The train came and I coming back to myself ready to forget such a rare moment. I rushed onto the train saying out loud well nice talking to you. I saw him right behind me boarding. I didn’t think much of it. I said he will likely sit somewhere away from me. I sat down making sure to find two empty seats and sat at the end of the end of the seat, so no one seats next me unless its too full then I will move over.

Right next to me was him. He sat right across from me. I was shocked. Somehow he began talking about his family and how unlucky he is. I was lost for words at first and said I’m unlucky too. I said if past lives are real I must of been real evil  and paying back greatly today. Oddly we had a lot in common from our love of pets, how are landlords can be too much, and when a middle age woman cut in the convo about her pets his focus was on me….not my pants or whats in my wallet, but he saw me.

A strange thing came over me. I felt comfortable with him like I known him a long time. On the train with many people soon I didn’t care who who heard our convo, or the black guy wanting to end it, for a rare moment I felt safe around this guy.

I wanted to continue riding the train just so we could keep talking, so I could listen. My stop came fast and I told him this my stop. When I got off I thought back how I wanted my distance.

I hope someday I can feel that way with someone. Comfortable and who sees me in a positive light vs what they can take away from me.

Getting my thoughts together.

September 12, 2014

Been thinking all day how to quit my job and how to get hired elsewhere asap. My favorite co-workers are like don’t quit….when they too want to quit. Being a cna you are a maid, slave, therapist, who happens to earn a wage. I think its best I go PRN….which I been thinking of doing long before and find a part time job or more ideal a full time job somewhere in retail, medical (like drawing blood…hard to get, but still worth a try), I need to work somewhere …..more positive compared to a nursing home. Somewhere not so needy for attention where customers come and go and don’t stay and get mad at someone only wanting to brighten up their day. PRN means I show up when their short or someone calls out. I won’t have to be there daily and get so stressed out by residents where I can easily cope with them since I won’t be there. Since I been there seven aides have already quit. Two quit after being there three days, one recently quit after four months,the other four quit during the day shift. Slowly I’m seeing new aides and no longer seeing the aides I would see on my shift or leaving before I start mines.

Today was my day off and I return on the 13th. I will see what they say and what they plan on doing to me. I will give them a notice of going PRN sometime this week or maybe I should wait to get a new job offer….but what if that new job wants me now? And I can’t give them that weeks notice, so then I lose the PRN for a little extra income now and then.

I slept most of the day and when I finally woke up fully. I had one miss call and three text messages,and one voicemail from my former co-worker already talking about whats going on at her nursing home….when she told me yesterday when I needed someone the most (anyone) told me I know how it is…and pretty much in a nutshell she was really saying let it go. When for four years I heard her complain about the nursing home, D.O.N, co-workers,residents, ect. without brushing her off. I always listened. Or agree that it was wrong…for me time to move on.

So after playing her voice mail, reading the messages, and seeing the missed call. I wasn’t going to entertain how she feels and what she is going through since it really doesn’t matter what I’m going through. I knew how to end it. I text back that what happened at her job is typical nursing home drama nurse vs. aide and right now I’m feeling really down now. I also included that after what I went through my feelings are a normal human emotion (my way of saying save the your going crazy talk or you get too stressed out fast and let everyone get under your skin…somehow for her its ok to feel bad or upset)

After I text that I didn’t hear from her anymore today, so she got the message.

As long as things make her the focus its ok. The times I make myself the focus …I don’t really hear from her as often.

I don’t mind people talking about themselves since it kills a boring convo, but the times I want a listening ear I shouldn’t be cut off.

Late tonight….well yesterday night since its 12:12am now. I went to walmart where I fit in with the average shopper. Not many are lookers if you know what I mean. I felt like I was only existing. Got a six inch meat ball sub that taste like dog food. I didn’t have a subway sandwich in months and because I was so hungry because I haven’t eaten yet I thought why not?

I only ate half the sub and couldn’t believe two years ago I would buy a foot long meat ball sub with mayo,honey mustard, lettuce and tomato. The meat taste gross, only the baked lays were worth it.

Worse day at work+being a cna=no one cares.

September 11, 2014


Sometimes I go back in time. I tell my co-workers (aides) of a time I enjoyed going to work and could see myself their until I got my education. I remember getting the laid off notice. I never been laid off before and it was very shocking. I was sitting their in HR asking her and the evil (still hate him) stock manager how will I survive? I remember almost breaking into tears as he not even our original manager hired others who would clock in and sit for HOURS on the clock doing nothing and many people notice, but me I worked my departments plus others to the point I skipped lunch breaks….was laid off. Some were shocked as well asking why me? I work so well. My department managers tried to save me begging him to let me keep my job, but he turned a blind eye…..and my life went down hill after.    After being laid off the following week I got bed bugs and since then I still sleep on the floor a year and a half later, then almost lost my apartment, then got hired at walmart and was treated badly by a assistant manager. 

The job I was laid off from….

I miss working around items worth hundreds, sometimes thousands.

I miss having lost a large amount of weight and receiving a new uniform that showed I had a shape no longer a blob

I miss going to work wearing make up or like the other girls/women rushing to the bathroom to place make up on

I miss watching my size 0-6 co- workers eating habits and how hungry they were only to reach for black coffee and after work the gym.

I loved leaving work in my black slacks and black top with my jobs posh logo. I wear scrubs now and no matter the design …..

I enjoyed the fact my job was with my co-workers not much customer service. 

I miss having bi-weekly pay and sometimes pedicures, no pedicure in three months and my feet look very ugly.

I miss taking pride in my job, if you asked me where I worked at I would tell you in a heart beat.

I miss on b days I was allowed off for that day/week if wanting to see family and was given a huge slice of cake. This job I begged could they allow me off early for my b day…I was told no. I spent my 27th cleaning poop, vomit, rushing to answer lights and got nothing. And when I mentioned its my b day I was told why didn’t I bring a cake when I can’t/couldn’t afford a cake let alone medicine for my ankle.

I liked seeing super thin modals come in to pose in the meeting room to show off this seasons new outfits.

I miss seeing beauty around me and people out to shop or window shop or try to shop lift only to get caught. People were not depressed.

I miss the holiday party we had for special shoppers. With my weight loss I wore a red silk top and fancy pants and flats. They had people serving ONLY the guests good wine and snacks and free gift wrapping.

Everything was pro thin and happy majority of the time besides that crazy co-worker I had.


I want to cry now, but part of me is holding it in. I been at this job for three months and some days. Its been hell and I remind myself….your doing this for the bills. When I first earned my license a few years ago I was happy just like any other new cna/ nurse aide. I thought about all the old people who I would, and how easy the job would be because I don’t mind helping people at all. My mind was filled with the stereotype of former cookie baking grandma’s and funny grandpa’s who are now needing more help and no longer can do things on their own. Schools don’t share the harsh truth. They want your money and send you on your way with a smile as they enroll the next suckers. On the ads for CNA they always show some smiling woman with her hair in a tight pony tail or bun holding a clip board. At the time Still new to Texas state I was working at walmart. At the time they paid me 10.00 dollars a hour. My boss at this location was great, my co-workers were either great or just ok, life was fine, but I had this dying desire that I must be a cna and leave walmart to care for the elderly. And this was what I honestly was looking forward to.



I wanted to be a cna/ nurse aide so badly. I left walmart on good terms at 10.00 a hour for 9.25 a hour. I was like…thats the highest..? But I took it feeling kinda pressured since it was due to a good connection. I then was over worked. I was used by co-workers who turn off the call light and was told when I’m done answer such and such light. I enjoy peace and not a fighter and deep down knew what was going on, but was in denial. Problems got worse when word got out I was the nice one, other aides would ignore the residents small requests, but oh no not door mat me. I did it all. They would wave me down to say get me this, I want more pepper…walks all the way two-three doors and long halls to get to the kitchen for that little ol pepper , or begging the kitchen for a meal change because so and so saw so and so plate and think theirs look better. After work I would be so tired, because the bully of a aide made me do my work and hers. I was in my early 20’s and new. The lady I still know and former co-worker who told me I was going crazy (I said I wasn’t) she insist I was.) I didn’t trust no one at that job, so because I was weary of her….yup I was crazy. If you have 4 co-workers who are trying to make you their personal slave and here she comes ……????

I learned over the years everything she says she believes to be truth and someday I will drop her…..I declared I have no friends. Anyone I know are people who just want to talk and play perfect. She admitted she and others (after getting comfortable with me) said they thought I was slow…..yup me the one with no kids and baby daddies somewhere is the slow one. I was so hurt, but I held it in defending myself I wasn’t! Just because I believe in peace first before war don’t make a person slow. And what if I was slow….what gives her the right to just say such a  hurtful thing? Shes a aide too, had kids who had kids and no man in sight…it just kills me when people do that. The only other person is the one who said do I want to be white? Just two…..hoodish type people aka use of N word, and other low class behavior….but I need refs for now, so for now I forced myself to keep certain people who I will vanish without a trace someday. 

One day I told bully aide that I know how to do my job! The black mix with white and native American who preached on blacks sticking together as me a black girl was being a slave to her…I stopped doing her work and only did mines. She went from power to the people to who the fuck do I think I am?!  Her beach colored skin tone turned red in the face, her innocent bushy pony tail looked like a warrior ready for battle, her okish voice went straight street talk. I was speechless, only wiping the tables and getting things ready for dinner for the residents. She went straight into the back and got two tall black guys in our age group to tell them what I said to her. They came out with large grins as she pointed at me telling them the cruelest things about me. All because I wanted us to share our work equally not her in a corner surrounded by ebony skin toned women preaching about how she believes in black unity and love as I answered all her lights and mines to the point I was so overly tired, words could not explain! She would say she is training me as if I was still new as she sat down and I did everything alone. The guys were loving it. They were bus boys and dish washers who were doing their work only to be brought out as she lost it to the point  the DON had to remove her to a different department. Nice, door mat, considered slow me told her I know how to do my job didn’t sit well with her. I went home and cried in bed to myself. Wanting to quit, but couldn’t…..because of bills. 

Couple of months later almost making a year I quit to go to another nursing home. More hell and unhappiness. I thought ok I still like helping people and maybe a new nursing home would be better…I was wrong. I regret leaving walmart for a nursing home. 



I then got advice from that former thought of me as slow co-worker to be a sitter (she has her good moments too). I thought thats a good idea one on one. Only focus on that one person. Drama happened later on, assistant manager was on my side in secret and told me because I filed particle unemployment the head manager wanted me gone… hours were full time, then went so low I almost lost my place (which was 370 at the time). I was told to find another agency to make up the hours…I tried,but many wanted me to own a car. Long story short I was fired and afraid. No family such as two very successful aunts I have willing to help, a broke mother and a retired and wants money grandmother I had no one to turn to. I remember praying to the angels and if any God from any religion exists please help me. My former sitter 300 pound self applied to many jobs and no call backs, or interviews with the experience and few requiring NO experience turned my morbidly obese self away. I ate…and ate cheap foods from the food banks, bread that went bad the following day from the food bank and a few rare canned good items. 

There were few days I give myself a break and applied nowhere only drowning myself in more food and pity. I asked for the angels help….I was desperate part of me don’t think their even real, but childhood me who saw angels (hard to admit) said they are real and they hear me.  But its all wishful thinking likely.

I had no money after using my last that I had saved on rent and only a few dollars on food. I was lost. I remember being in this large empty parking lot just me and pavement and many empty parking spots on a recently closed store moving to a new location. I looked up at the sky and said I need your help (what did I have to lose appearing crazy in the middle of some large lot?) I opened my notebook full of jobs I had applied to who never called back or had me for a interview and never called back. I thought it wouldn’t hurt just to call these places back.

I turned page by page calling only to be told we would of called you, or after x amount of days you can reapply, or we already filled the positions. I thought one more call and I quit. I called and said I applied here a couple of months ago and heard from no one. The HR lady said why don’t you come in tomorrow for a interview? I said ok and thank you…over and over she laughed its fine. Next day I got there make up on, professional clothes….the store was large and beautiful and majority of workers were not fat,but thin. I thought ok I don’t have the job. I faked it like all my interviews as if I had a chance. I went home and laid down. Next day I got a call I had the job.



Laid off and now back in scrubs. Cnas do a lot. Have to deal with demanding family who think their love ones out of 14 per hall residents are number 1, strict upper management who are piling more rules and more work to a already filled shift thanks to never ending call lights…..the worse is when your standing next to that resident who keeps clicking the light by habit, family asking why isn’t this and that done asap/now when we have many and they couldn’t handle ONE family member that is related to them, if your caring for someone and not finish fast enough for so and so who gets angry you took 10 minutes for him/her to go to the bathroom only to find out for the 100th time false alarm and forget ever having a 15 minute legal break. When you try to explain to residents you deserve a lunch break he/she admits they don’t care that you never got to sit down or a bite to eat its all about them. When you try to ask them what they want to eat please don’t let them have any back pain ect such as I or they snap at you. If your caring for a resident some residents get jealous and will try to fuse why don’t you do more for them and again explaining they are not bed bound, so yes you do more for someone who can’t move, walk ect. 

Then the rare few make you think….ok its worth it. The residents who bring a smile to your face, who are happy that your helping them. Majority of residents on my hall ask when I’m coming back from my day off,dread having other aides when I’m off. I have high ratings with many residents, some even going to the office to tell them they want me instead of such and such aide. Did I get employee of the month…no…its more a favoritism type of thing being popular with the residents is not all it takes. Even though residents are the main focus. My life sucks, but to my co-workers and residents my life appears ok because I hide it. I want my residents to feel clean, cared for (no matter how special they can get). I do a lot, I sweat, sometimes I feel sick because I never get to sit down unless its lunch break, my ankle is throbbing in pain, but I push myself….for my residents and bills. The understanding residents have told me they see me working hard, and that I do more… door mat habits have not totally died. One told me two days ago I go like a robot never stopping. My back hurts, ankles, and soul feel damaged. I keep going…what choice do I have?

Unlike the ads all residents are not super old, but few young, some middle aged and many elderly.  

I have came home a couple of nights and cried softly to myself to sleep due to the treatment some residents can do….because no law exists protecting the aide.

Let a aide hit a resident its all over the news….oh poor old person, but a resident harms a aide (and many of them are strong!) no news not even a article. The picture is painted old is innocent worker is evil abuser.


When my former (another lady) was punched repeatedly in the stomach (even men and women nurses were afraid of him) where was the news? Where was the online articles of the actual over worked mistreated aides at? The first thing they did was blame it on his dementia. When his wiife came she said no he was abusive to her through out the marriage. 

Or how about the very old resident who hit his aide so hard she became blind in one eye….wheres her justice? Wheres the news? I can find on youtube of elder abuse, but wheres aide abuse that is very common?

And wheres the coverage of how rude, the family can be as well?

Aides have no rights, are not considered human, and to put up with everything and told to be the bigger person.

Instead of nursing homes as a whole putting their foot down (stop being greedy and care for your considered lower caste employees) and say if so and so harms our employees they have to leave. Upper management allow us to go through hell and back again because they don’t work with the residents and do more pointing of do this and that and walking to find flaws , so their safe from harm both emotionally and physically. 


Will try to say what happened without saying too much. My shift started like any other shift. Thinking how I wish I wasn’t single and had a decent guy, and I can do it just take one day at a time. Longer story short we have a middle age black resident who has a good side, but been only showing his bad side. I give it to residents they rather be elsewhere then in a nursing home. For me I rather be in  nursing home no more worries of losing my place, being homeless ect. 

I asked this resident what would he like for dinner? He yelled at me saying don’t you see me on the phone! In a meek voice I mumbled sorry….and left. He had one of those phones that make you look like your talking to yourself and he wasn’t talking he was listening, so I didn’t know.

Trying to reclaim myself , walking with my head down in shame because he did it in front of workers and other residents….

I have put up a lot with this resident and so have others ….yet other aides are written up for doing their job and he remains. 


I saw him with his walker and asked him would he like me to open his room door for him? He sound angry and said no I can open it myself! I said…ok and left.


His new demand goes against state rules and what I was taught. He wanted me to now (out of nowhere) to start wearing gloves to turn on his air or bring him a blanket ect. Were not allowed to put on gloves before entering any residents room. I told the D.O.N/DON and she said your right and he is crazy and just keep doing what your doing. I said ok. Moments later he put on his call light for me to turn on his air (one button that requires one finger).

I went back to the DON. Long story short they took his side on things and said this is his home (even though we follow state rules that require us to throw away items that can be a risk to them). If state was to come….who gets in trouble me! State would agree its his home BUT….

He told them in his loud voice and they wanted him to calm down and just let it go by letting him have his way. I got upset and said I’m not returning to that room, he ease dropping from his closed room door yelled out good send someone else then! I told them I won’t allow someone to just yell and change up rules at me.

They told me that they think the medical (yes wiping poo and pee, lifting heavy residents, being barked at to do more, rushing around is very medical….vs the nurses and office staff who are not as hands on with the residents compared to cnas and office staff maybe a hand shake or a hello Mr so and so) field may not be for me 

The DON and her office buddy told me how long I been a cna? I said some years. They said they seen worse and how this is nothing and how residents have said more extreme things and behaved wrongly and they went on and on….I told them me too I had terrible residents too, but thats not my point. They went on to say pretty much he can do and say what ever he wants and how he wants. I asked them so cnas don’t matter? They said I have to be the higher person in this. 

I later told my nurse its sad that a resident can pretty much attack us, degrade us, and its ok. She laughed and said thats the American way. I call it the we care less for aides only money and will allow any resident to do as they please for it. 

The DON said to her co-worker you can’t beat a dead horse aka me. And they left me there saying they will deal with it tomorrow. Aka me either being fired, sent to a worse hall away from my permanent hall is all I can think of. 

What made it worse was they were following the rules and just to keep him happy and shut him up now were against me and how I may need to pick a new major where they really going about it. I said this 100 times if I ever become a nurse I won’t work in a nursing home or the elderly. Babies or middle age*in a different environment.


After the above happened to me yesterday (its 3:32am now)

I called my mom….seeking comfort really. My day was awful and part of me wanted to eat the world the other just sit in a corner and cry. I called her on my lunch break hoping to hear it will be ok. And know it can be hard. Instead I got a loooong thing about when she was a nurse how she was professional……all this started when I asked her if she was in my shoes right now meaning after all is said and done what would she do? She said she would never get to where I’m at in the first place, so don’t have a answer for me. And how she  took care of her people and that its normal for them to act that way and how she would of been happy to wear gloves when not needed for him. I got upset and we went back and forth and she said listen you asked for my opinion and your upset I didn’t side with you! I told her thats why she stayed in a deadly ten year marriage being abused,so I’m not impressed. She said ok I have to hang up now so and so is calling…..a guy she met in texas who lied to us about where he worked and kept lying because he would think he is texting so and so when he was texting my mom sending her new lies met for someone else. 

His lies include 

1) Being a zoo keeper

2) Owning a porn site

3) Claiming he has a lot of native american family members and can live on the reserves

4) A supervisor 

5) A bus driver

That made me more upset that someone like him was perfectly fine, but unprofessional me….

I had 500 and something calories and after what happened yesterday it went up to 772 calories. I wanted a binge with no purge. I wanted to eat and eat and eat until I could only feel pain in my stomach and have to sleep it off. I wanted to solve my problems in burgers and fries and anything sweet. I kept replaying what they said to me and what I said to them and that resident’s ways. How by him over hearing me not wanting to  go in his room they claim is borderline abuse and I told them he is abusing us as well and they said its not the same. 



I said ok my mom’s a bust. I called my first former co-worker at my first nursing home who revealed she thought I was slow because I didnt react how she felt I should have. I was new, shy, and learning so much only to be used and thats what gave me the title of being slow.She works at a nursing home too….and EVERYDAY she complains about co-workers,residents, things she has done and how she wants to use my phone again MY phone to call corporate on what they are doing. How she refused to go in a residents room (which they granted) vs mines said I HAVE to go in. Somehow everything she does is perfect and she always tell me if she was me she would tell them straight ect. blah blah but then says she ignores her co-workers and says nothing to them…..but for me I should of told them off. Me being the person I am listen to her without judgement, there are days I don’t care to hear about the same people at her job, but I go ahead. I call and its you know how these jobs are and we talk about it all the time. And you don’t have to go back if you don’t want to just look for a job and I have to go now something about family when I can hold the phone for hours listening to her woes………………

Again I’m keeping certain people for a limited time only for resume/ref purposes. 

I came home tired and feel like someone just beaten me until I can’t fight anymore.

I looked at my playful cats too worn out and sad to play with them.

I had only myself to comfort. 

No food to temp comfort me. To make my mind focus on chewing and eating like its my last day on Earth I had nothing.

No food to make my mind happy as if I was rewarding myself over and over again. 

No chewing….

During typing this somewhere in the middle I had to stop to cry hard. Everything in life is hard for me and things would be different if thin at least. 

I allowed myself freedom to cry and temp it felt so good.


Getting zzzzzzzzzz

Tired, still up…..and having to cope with desires to eat….and eat again and again

September 10, 2014

I liked the above because the food is considered healthy (rice of any color calorie wise is risky…the serving is too small and calories too great) I been watching people eat taco bell, burger king and the likes above such as homemade. It makes zero sense to watch others eat, but sometimes it helps because deep down I wish it was me. Cooking shows makes me feel real hungry, but seeing someone eat helps oddly. I watched maybe 6…7…videos of people eating.


Then watched videos like these to prove why I have to be skinny. Life has been hard, but its harder being bigger due to society. Self love can only get you so far vs the depressed skinny girl who has it better, but doesn’t see it.

Through humor I had a resident ask where is his….whats the word? I can’t recall the correct term, but its what men pee in and we pour out. I said today I don’t know. He said maybe you ate it! Yup something you pee in daily and thats plastic somehow I ate. When I ate only two servings of watermelon late tonight and didn’t eat or drink any soda when he had said that. 

This was interesting to watch (The above)

The Debate


Considered fat humor:


The less you eat the bigger the results.

September 10, 2014

Today I had…


Two bottles of mountain dew

Two servings of watermelon

All equals 672 calories

I work as a nurse aide, been on my feet all day even a long walk home after bus and train tonight. By the time I get home its only a hour away before 12am. Feet throbbing and tired, highly stressed out. I been taking caffeine pills I recently found and the soda is full of caffeine. *Caffeine kinda cuts cravings.

The job alone helps with weight loss….never get 15 min breaks you deserve, and lunch breaks are a miracle. Lots  of work few uncaring residents who feel you should serve them vs having any break at all. Once your body gets use to any exercise or demanding job such as mines. You have to either push yourself harder (not a smart idea due to my ankle spur) or eat less (what I’m doing now). 

I have so much to worry about, but I’m trying my hardest. Gaining weight  and getting bigger is self punishment (at least for me) then trying to deal with the problem head on.

My mind was filled of wendys for the past two days, but not ready to trust the calories yet aka I know I can’t have one Jr. burger (more like two). I was thinking of their soft buns, beef, and cheese and french fries all drowned with Hi-C punch. 


At work they had rich chocolate cup cakes with high piled on frosting. My mind went crazy like I must have one I must have one! I was so busy with a resident as those beauties sat there ready to be picked up by others….having a job helps. 


September 5, 2014

Giving binge and purge a break…since yesterday and today.

I’m doing my best not to binge. I have to give my all to force a diet coke instead of a heavy calorie drink and meal. I’m stressed out and full of worry and I found myself looking online on my cell phone at Taco Bells menu, wendys, and mc donalds. Adding calories and seeing it can get so high, but can I have control for a dollar menu item? I knew full well I would go over a dollar and want the real deal. My mouth watered (not lying) and I just laid back down and took a deep breath. Few minutes later I was up rushing to get ready for work (semi limping thanks to ankle spur, but I made it) Through out the day randomly I was temping myself within my mind of cheap mc Donald  apple pies, Host brand cupcakes, I wanted a serious binge a real binge…not a pint of ice cream type of binge, but a obese person type of binge. I also had thoughts of me in a two piece and uploading tons of pic.


Today I…

Had 1298 calories

Worried about affording school (due 120 on the 10th)

Wanted to cry since my whole life been nothing but a struggle

Wanted to walk off the job, but bills keep me trapped ….cleaning bm and vomit all day, lifting heavy residents and back is killing me.

Thought if slim I would rather be a stripper or a waitress at hooters then this and get paid better. I can’t dance or anything special, but willing to risk it.

Thought it sucks being single….so lonely.

Had a war of yes no yes no yes no to more food.

Felt numb as usual after work. Clock out at 10:02pm, miss bus  that comes between 10:02pm-10:04pm, stayed inside and chatted to co-workers who have cars and know I ride the bus (I live in Dallas…enough said. I heard Austin from someone who was blind and moved from Dallas whose co-workers wouldn’t drive her to the a 3 min ride to the train station..says in Austin people are so much nicer vs Dallas) I chatted knowing my bus was gone anyway. Went outside at bus station 10:17pm, bus came at 10:37pm, caught the train in time by forcing myself up a long flight of stairs…stopped mid way to catch my breath, then continued and here came the train. Got to the next bus, bus left at 11:18pm, got home at 11:26pm. It took more then will power to ignore the serious desire for packets of my raman noodles once I got home.

Binging won’t solve my problems that’s for sure, but during the moment its a break from life for me.

Tomorrow I’m going crazy on water and raman (my day off) and study my butt off and hope they drop my class. Ihave came home sometimes only to drop off to sleep asap…so not much studying like I’m suppose to. Its hard to have control on my days off nothing to keep me away from food because I’m so busy….so raman noodles which has two servings per pack at 190 calories per serving,  …sounds like a upcoming purge. Gross, but I can’t stay fat forever and not getting any younger. I have to do this to move on with my life.

I’m at the point in my life I will purge, take diet pills, and wish on a shooting star for my results.


Thinspo/weight loss quotes I found encouraging.






Binge eating is self punishment which then becomes a habit- 281.2

September 4, 2014

I mentioned in the past I binged for the first time when I wasn’t fat. I had to deal with my mom being abused, trying to call the cops (before cell phones existed) only for my ex step dad to out run me and snatch the phone cord out the wall, same guy who punched holes in the wall. My first binge was 4-5 peanut butter sandwiches and large cups of sweet fruit punch.  At the time I thought he was my real dad and never understood why he treated my two younger sisters better. Any little mistake I did was almost major, I could never do anything right. Besides random women coming to our door when he was at work to say they are having his baby, he was over all terrible. Picture being punched thrown to your knees on hard floors and I felt powerless to stop him from harming her. I begged my mom to leave him when we were alone. Being married ten years to a monster and with a therapist she was seeing to cope with it all threaten to take us away if she didn’t divorce him….then freedom came. No more spankings from someone who closes you in a room with a large grin and spanks you so hard all you can do is scream. I felt unloved, unworthy and lack of attention and all I could do is eat.

I kept in my room coloring. Bending hangers to make shaped ducks, I would take out note book paper and tape it up to draw a large map of pretend islands with blue tribal people with their own way of life and sea and mammal life. I went out to the backyard and saw our star fruit tree. Bright yellow fruit and I thought if I plucked them down and sold them I could make some money. Being young a dollar is being rich. I went door to door (I believe 5 homes) and sold each fruit for 25 cents. I came home proud and told my step dad with joy in my eyes. He took me and gave back the money to each home and told them to keep the fruit. They even told him he could keep the 25 cents,but he wouldn’t have any of it.

I still fight with these demons of I’m a failure, can’t do anything right and my young under aged self only ate. I feel I missed out on my younger years and teens because it was filled with sadness. I was forced to go to church, I prayed and even danced in the pews to upbeat music, and in my prayers would beg God to save me and save me from myself. Sometimes praying for him to let me die. Nothing happened and made it known I’m not going to church to give away money to make the pastors look good. Pastors who brag on their flawless skin, cars, and going to the holy land to five star hotels as some members struggled to keep their lights on. Anything bad happened it was God was testing us anything Good God was blessing us, if someone died it was their time if they lived God saved them.

As a teen trying to discover and find myself. I got a book on past lives. I was 14 or 15. My faith came back that God is real and that its ok. I will be ok and I no longer feared death if I was coming back anyway. Mom found that and threw it away and off to church I was meaning never missing a Sunday. Back was my fear and all things neg. Since the church had preached against Harry Potter, part one and two that my nana had bought me was in the trash too.


My strict christian upbringing ( use to secretly try to listen to Eminem, and oldies and more so rock music…since that was worldy music), witnessing abuse, and my envy of my classmates….Peter was behind in math mommy and daddy got him a tutor for the reason why he was no longer in ESE math with us. My mom told me I should of paid attention and ask the teacher. I wasn’t a rapid learner like my younger sister, so I was sent upstairs to figure it out as my mom continued with my sister. I went ahead and watched cartoons after trying to figure it out. I wanted to cry….but food and bugs bunny made it all better. The school simply passed me through since I already didn’t get to go to the next grade that year before. 


Unloved, slow/not smart, I can’t do anything right……….I ate. I was labeled and I was bullied in middle school. I could never win.


When I look in the mirror I see my weight as a self reflection of pain, sadness, and stress.

And when I go out the door everyone can see it.

I now say food just tastes good….when really binging was the only thing that I could do to cope.

Even on rare good days I would binge. Its now  habit no matter the mood I forever have to tame.


I still do binge , but then I purge to give myself a second chance…or a third…fourth…


Yesterday (1:44am now) I didn’t binge. It felt so odd not to binge. To ignore the urge for a cheap cheese burgers and dollar fries. Hours I had to do my best to ignore the real desire for it. I saw it in my mind’s eye biting into soft bread  in to cheese and meat and drinking large gulps of orange Hi-C (refill please). At work I rubbed my stomach (some thought I had a stomach ache) as comfort.



1) One mango snapple 200 calories

2) Soda 190 calories

3) One cup of watermelon 46 calories

= 436 calories



Binging today (without purging) is a form of self punishment, purging is another form of self punishment,but gives you another chance. Not binging gives your body a break. Binging isn’t done for fun or on purpose. It is strong and majority of the time when you try to ignore it, it only gets stronger until you cave in and regret promising yourself tomorrow.  To outsiders its all about will power, and why do you eat so much, or just have a small portion…if it was that simple no one would be obese.

In my opinion.


Anyone who binges a real binge a actual binge. They have a past that trigger them to binge like so…it could be:

1) Moving out of their parents home

2) Copying their friends or marriage/boyfriend/girlfriend eating habits.

3) Many rape victims end up binging or other eating disorders. Its common to be slim, get raped and now obese. Without knowing it you are trying to hide your beauty in fat to prevent from ever being harmed again (larger women can be raped too, but if slim some gain weight)

4) Moving on to the next grade and being the only one who knows no one

5) Medication can increase appetite (depending on drug)

6) Extreme boredom

7) Depression

The list can be long.


At some point no matter how your day went it also becomes a habit.



When people see a thin person they never think how they stay or became thin. They are the picture of IDEAL health. I’m losing weight, my co-workers are impressed at the rapid weight drop. They think I eat normal or a lot (depending on who you ask), but its my job working on my feet keeping the pounds flying off (WRONG, low calories or purging).

A woman who is a size 14 can be healthier then a woman a size 6.


I don’t have time for healthy and not in the mood for slow results.

I want people to see me and want my size, I want to be loved and desired, I want people to see me not oh the big girl, I want men to want me (not just any man, but my type aka going somewhere or already there in life), I don’t want people to see the fat black girl and place me in a box, I want the nicest clothes, I want to wake up thinking ok my life sucks, but I have this amazing body, I want to take a lot of pictures, I want to enjoy life…..because I can…because society will say it’s ok and won’t limit me or ban me due to my size/weight.