No longer in the 300’s thanks to purging. And it helps being black (no one ever guesses..)

I’m on a strict budget. I eat cheap foods to survive which is heavy in carbs. I can’t handle a tiny serving of spaghetti noodles and call it a day. NEVER. I LOVE pasta and heavy red sauce with melting slices…again sliceSSSS of cheese on top and down it with plenty of 5 calorie powdered fruit punch, or some diet cola. Raman noodles with a side of veggies and I make sure to add a lot of water to make it pretty much a broth (low sodium raman) And don’t get me started in the frozen section 1$ pizzas. New weakness 200 calorie bottles of snapple fruit punches….I mean when I drink one …my eyes are closed enjoying such pleasure…words can not explain. I mean I had 7 bottles of snapple fruit punches and that was it the whole day.

I’m against purging…for others. Myself I’m all for it and know the possible risks, so I’m careful. Its been 90 something degrees out one day and for many days. Sun and me don’t mix in dry heat such as in Texas. I ate badly one day…brums ice cream then a couple of hours later a large slice of pizza with a large cup of HI-c fruit punch …then a refill…then again,but only half way. I felt so pleased being full, but guilty and then I felt the urge to purge. It comes naturally if I’m too full.

So here I was full in 90 something degree weather thinking to myself how badly I wish I could throw up this food. I felt bad about wasting money if I did, but worse being fat and over stuffed of food. Cars kept driving by me, people parking to go into small businesses and banks were near by…so I felt shame to even try to do this publicly. Maybe the sun made me temp. loopy, but  feeling came over me of……wait a minute I’m black! Yes sounds crazy, but people don’t think some black girls would do this on purpose or desire a slim body.  Even online I read where other blacks say it’s rare and not possible. This only encouraged me to think I can get away with this!!!

I pictured from another view…ok fat black girl throwing up means I could be sick, or pregnant, no one would know.

I found some bushes near by and with cars passing me by and from other angels you can see what’s really taking place I proudly let it all up. Red juice and bread from pizza. I kept going until I saw some brown….aka chocolate ice cream from hours ago came up some what.

At work I eat lunch and head to the bathroom and……and if someone over hears I just mention the medicine I’m taking for pain (which can cause vomiting if not taken correctly) before that they just thought I had a stomach ache or some random something. I mainly go outside for lunch, so its rare I go to the bathroom.

I been trying my hardest and recently saw a dark skin girl, short afro, very nice trendy clothes , with a pro ana type body in bright day light. I had to stop myself from staring. Someone like her with that type of body can go far, but she doesn’t know that. Life would be so much better if I was slim.

 

It’s nice having the freedom to eat like a king celebrating victory, but can someday have a body of a fragile and feminine princess. Purging is not the answer or a lifestyle, but for now as something to help me lose weight until I can gain control are:

 

1) No guilty feelings after eating too much. I go from extreme full to normal.

2) I can enjoy my food without being so strict

3) Either you lose weight or maintain

4) At least for me slowly my desires for large amounts of food is slowing down. The more I feel I have freedom to eat the less I oddly require…..slowly.

 

This is not advice, but what I’m doing.

Today I’m: 294.2 pounds. 

 

4 days ago one of the residents in his 40’s, black guy, with a disability that has him there to began with…..heard me in the hall way talking and enjoying the company of my co-worker. Yelled out nice and loud from his room…HEY BIG GIRL, BIG GIRL come here!!! BIG GIRL! The other worker snickered and I told her I’m not going in there big girl is not my name! She went in and she came out …he wanted nothing. She told me she told him I’m busy. I told her well big girl going home soon, and big girl not going in there.

Those other pro ana sites are right with their lists of reasons why to be slim….when people remember you or describe you…

He called me big girl

He called the other co-worker of mines skinny girl with glasses

And the one who was snickering little girl (she’s a short, thin, older lady)

On the other halls most are big like me and some are trying to lose weight and some embrace their size.

I’m 27…but it’s never too late.

I met  32 very skinny girl who used my large frame to hide next to me from the cops… :/  she said her roommate likes to call the cops when drunk and cops make her nervous so she left until the cops leave.

I thought she was younger then me and in her early 20’s.

Being thin makes you appear younger BUT she also had a very youthful face. I see thin older women with bodies of young 20 something year olds, but their face says 40-50 something. Its all genetics and luck. Botox can only do so much.

 

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