Never judge those who are very massive in size.

I will be honest. When I see those who are super obese class 4 of obesity….I feel bad. Either I feel bad for their struggles (some I share) or deep down kinda disgusted on what I see. I look at my own body with total hate. Only recently I’m trying to embrace it. I see my own rolls, the skin discoloration between my legs from rubbing for years, and other negative things. Some..if not most who lost weight become anti fat and pro hate towards something they use to be and seem to fear of returning. After weight loss forgetting the times their ideal woman or man over looked them for the skinny or other non fat body type; They too will ignore those of larger size and sometimes weight loss can end a marriage that should of never been.

I work in a nursing home. In America from white, black and Latino I have seen residents 400-500 pounds easy. Few are short and my weight, but worse due to their height. I see the large pockets of fat hanging from their legs, their age is only 40’s and 50’s yet stuck where the elderly reside , they should be enjoying life and doing everyday things. My wrist hurts from trying to lift heavy legs into the bed, from trying to help them stand, it took six workers to lift one, mean while….

I was in some form of depression. I turned 27 recently this month. 27 no marriage, no kids, no nothing. Just struggling to pay bills and for once finish college, working hard to the point the residents feel bad for me that it seems I am doing more work vs the others. I was binging on affordable foods such as Debbie cupcakes (2-3 packs a day aka 4-6 cupcakes total), lots of pepsi and mountain dew as I was thinking I need to stop…I have to stop….they are my future if I don’t stop. At night I would cook a whole thing of pasta (1 dollar) and put a lot of cheese and meat flavored spaghetti sauce and right after work…I would eat…eat….11pm…eat…eat…12am…full….but force it down. It was so good, but I wasn’t hungry. At times I was so full I felt the food still in my throat….yet here I was complaining America is getting real huge. Not normal size weight gain like being 30 pounds over weight, but 100 plus.

 

Yet here I was no control like others in every day life, like the some of the residents, and I think back how others don’t want to help you afraid of taking out their backs, or mention they don’t want to touch someone who has fat spilling like that, I recall years ago elsewhere a resident told me I give her the best showers…the others seem to just hose her and rush her out and act like they don’t want to touch her.  So yes being fat you may not get the best care. I hate it because I don’t treat people like that and do it even if I don’t want to do whatever …..which gives me a lot of people requesting me….=/equals being over worked.

I move slow. My walk has been real slow due to my weight gain. My mind wants to go faster, but my body won’t let me.

A couple of weeks ago I thought to myself why I’m I punishing myself? Stress happens, rude and mean people exist, bills will always come yet I punish myself by forcing food into myself to cope. I continued to think how all this weight I have to carry daily is all the pain, hurt, feelings of never getting attention, my childhood, my life now, men. I eat out of stress and sadness, then it becomes I eat because my body memory expects large amounts of food at certain times where I think I feel hungry when really its false.

I hear others talk about how they want to leave the health field because people are becoming too heavy to care for. It is hard. You have to use your all to complete tasks that would be fast for thin or average sized people. Even chubby is ok, but actual obese no. If I needed help I too would be too heavy to care for. 

I no longer work where beautiful women made me envy and I would try everyday and everyday I would fail a diet. Many were far from butter face…I think the job had special hiring practices and allowed some of us who were not modal thin or average sized to come on through to not make one to question( I’m guessing). Where I work now some are butter face, average, fat, older and younger. Where I use to work a woman would be slim in her 40’s and look amazing and made me try harder. Where I work now….you have to be your own inspiration.

The whole time I go to work and binge and regret. For many days, weeks and past a month for sure. I would cry alone at home to myself because life is so hard when you lack $$$$ and knowing that if thin life would of been better.

 

It was only five days ago that I came back mentally. After lifting heavy legs into bed, and being a favorite with another resident and lifting her gut up to wipe her and struggling to fit the wipe between her thigh just to…you got the picture. I just snapped out of it. After doing this nearly two months hearing a resident mention shes going to try to diet and a few hours later had ribs, cake and ice cream and then another wanting double portions and lots of snacks….I thought I have to stop punishing myself and try again. Not give up.

I been on low carb for three days and then ate normally (no pasta….huge trigger), but only cut it down. At night like tonight I been drinking coke zero (cherry flavor). The night eating is what gets me.

I never been this heavy in my whole life. 330 pounds. A shameful 330 I don’t mind sharing which leaves people in shock.

Today 314 pounds. I have a long ways to go, but if I didn’t stop I would of been 400 in no time. I can’t afford to be fat. I only have myself to depend on. Plus I want to live, jump,run,love,and have new experiences my weight stopped me from.

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Never judge those who are very massive in size.”

  1. Pilot Reuter Says:

    Good luck I know you can do it! And eating healthy isn’t always as expensive as people think: rice, lentils, spices, oatmeal and the like are inexpensive. Maybe these links will be useful to you go vegan, but it is a cheap way to live imo.) (btw, I’m not suggesting you:
    cheapveg.tumblr.com
    cheapveg.tumblr.com/post/29995829007/the-cheap-vegan-pantry-what-you-need-and-what

    Good luck, you’re awesome!

  2. Pilot Reuter Says:

    Sorry, I meant to say, “I’m not suggesting you go vegan”… I’m on a laptop and my scroll got messed up. Best wishes!

  3. ebonnie Says:

    Thank you 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: