Archive for August, 2014

No longer in the 300’s thanks to purging. And it helps being black (no one ever guesses..)

August 31, 2014

I’m on a strict budget. I eat cheap foods to survive which is heavy in carbs. I can’t handle a tiny serving of spaghetti noodles and call it a day. NEVER. I LOVE pasta and heavy red sauce with melting slices…again sliceSSSS of cheese on top and down it with plenty of 5 calorie powdered fruit punch, or some diet cola. Raman noodles with a side of veggies and I make sure to add a lot of water to make it pretty much a broth (low sodium raman) And don’t get me started in the frozen section 1$ pizzas. New weakness 200 calorie bottles of snapple fruit punches….I mean when I drink one …my eyes are closed enjoying such pleasure…words can not explain. I mean I had 7 bottles of snapple fruit punches and that was it the whole day.

I’m against purging…for others. Myself I’m all for it and know the possible risks, so I’m careful. Its been 90 something degrees out one day and for many days. Sun and me don’t mix in dry heat such as in Texas. I ate badly one day…brums ice cream then a couple of hours later a large slice of pizza with a large cup of HI-c fruit punch …then a refill…then again,but only half way. I felt so pleased being full, but guilty and then I felt the urge to purge. It comes naturally if I’m too full.

So here I was full in 90 something degree weather thinking to myself how badly I wish I could throw up this food. I felt bad about wasting money if I did, but worse being fat and over stuffed of food. Cars kept driving by me, people parking to go into small businesses and banks were near by…so I felt shame to even try to do this publicly. Maybe the sun made me temp. loopy, but  feeling came over me of……wait a minute I’m black! Yes sounds crazy, but people don’t think some black girls would do this on purpose or desire a slim body.  Even online I read where other blacks say it’s rare and not possible. This only encouraged me to think I can get away with this!!!

I pictured from another view…ok fat black girl throwing up means I could be sick, or pregnant, no one would know.

I found some bushes near by and with cars passing me by and from other angels you can see what’s really taking place I proudly let it all up. Red juice and bread from pizza. I kept going until I saw some brown….aka chocolate ice cream from hours ago came up some what.

At work I eat lunch and head to the bathroom and……and if someone over hears I just mention the medicine I’m taking for pain (which can cause vomiting if not taken correctly) before that they just thought I had a stomach ache or some random something. I mainly go outside for lunch, so its rare I go to the bathroom.

I been trying my hardest and recently saw a dark skin girl, short afro, very nice trendy clothes , with a pro ana type body in bright day light. I had to stop myself from staring. Someone like her with that type of body can go far, but she doesn’t know that. Life would be so much better if I was slim.

 

It’s nice having the freedom to eat like a king celebrating victory, but can someday have a body of a fragile and feminine princess. Purging is not the answer or a lifestyle, but for now as something to help me lose weight until I can gain control are:

 

1) No guilty feelings after eating too much. I go from extreme full to normal.

2) I can enjoy my food without being so strict

3) Either you lose weight or maintain

4) At least for me slowly my desires for large amounts of food is slowing down. The more I feel I have freedom to eat the less I oddly require…..slowly.

 

This is not advice, but what I’m doing.

Today I’m: 294.2 pounds. 

 

4 days ago one of the residents in his 40’s, black guy, with a disability that has him there to began with…..heard me in the hall way talking and enjoying the company of my co-worker. Yelled out nice and loud from his room…HEY BIG GIRL, BIG GIRL come here!!! BIG GIRL! The other worker snickered and I told her I’m not going in there big girl is not my name! She went in and she came out …he wanted nothing. She told me she told him I’m busy. I told her well big girl going home soon, and big girl not going in there.

Those other pro ana sites are right with their lists of reasons why to be slim….when people remember you or describe you…

He called me big girl

He called the other co-worker of mines skinny girl with glasses

And the one who was snickering little girl (she’s a short, thin, older lady)

On the other halls most are big like me and some are trying to lose weight and some embrace their size.

I’m 27…but it’s never too late.

I met  32 very skinny girl who used my large frame to hide next to me from the cops… :/  she said her roommate likes to call the cops when drunk and cops make her nervous so she left until the cops leave.

I thought she was younger then me and in her early 20’s.

Being thin makes you appear younger BUT she also had a very youthful face. I see thin older women with bodies of young 20 something year olds, but their face says 40-50 something. Its all genetics and luck. Botox can only do so much.

 

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Never judge those who are very massive in size.

August 23, 2014

I will be honest. When I see those who are super obese class 4 of obesity….I feel bad. Either I feel bad for their struggles (some I share) or deep down kinda disgusted on what I see. I look at my own body with total hate. Only recently I’m trying to embrace it. I see my own rolls, the skin discoloration between my legs from rubbing for years, and other negative things. Some..if not most who lost weight become anti fat and pro hate towards something they use to be and seem to fear of returning. After weight loss forgetting the times their ideal woman or man over looked them for the skinny or other non fat body type; They too will ignore those of larger size and sometimes weight loss can end a marriage that should of never been.

I work in a nursing home. In America from white, black and Latino I have seen residents 400-500 pounds easy. Few are short and my weight, but worse due to their height. I see the large pockets of fat hanging from their legs, their age is only 40’s and 50’s yet stuck where the elderly reside , they should be enjoying life and doing everyday things. My wrist hurts from trying to lift heavy legs into the bed, from trying to help them stand, it took six workers to lift one, mean while….

I was in some form of depression. I turned 27 recently this month. 27 no marriage, no kids, no nothing. Just struggling to pay bills and for once finish college, working hard to the point the residents feel bad for me that it seems I am doing more work vs the others. I was binging on affordable foods such as Debbie cupcakes (2-3 packs a day aka 4-6 cupcakes total), lots of pepsi and mountain dew as I was thinking I need to stop…I have to stop….they are my future if I don’t stop. At night I would cook a whole thing of pasta (1 dollar) and put a lot of cheese and meat flavored spaghetti sauce and right after work…I would eat…eat….11pm…eat…eat…12am…full….but force it down. It was so good, but I wasn’t hungry. At times I was so full I felt the food still in my throat….yet here I was complaining America is getting real huge. Not normal size weight gain like being 30 pounds over weight, but 100 plus.

 

Yet here I was no control like others in every day life, like the some of the residents, and I think back how others don’t want to help you afraid of taking out their backs, or mention they don’t want to touch someone who has fat spilling like that, I recall years ago elsewhere a resident told me I give her the best showers…the others seem to just hose her and rush her out and act like they don’t want to touch her.  So yes being fat you may not get the best care. I hate it because I don’t treat people like that and do it even if I don’t want to do whatever …..which gives me a lot of people requesting me….=/equals being over worked.

I move slow. My walk has been real slow due to my weight gain. My mind wants to go faster, but my body won’t let me.

A couple of weeks ago I thought to myself why I’m I punishing myself? Stress happens, rude and mean people exist, bills will always come yet I punish myself by forcing food into myself to cope. I continued to think how all this weight I have to carry daily is all the pain, hurt, feelings of never getting attention, my childhood, my life now, men. I eat out of stress and sadness, then it becomes I eat because my body memory expects large amounts of food at certain times where I think I feel hungry when really its false.

I hear others talk about how they want to leave the health field because people are becoming too heavy to care for. It is hard. You have to use your all to complete tasks that would be fast for thin or average sized people. Even chubby is ok, but actual obese no. If I needed help I too would be too heavy to care for. 

I no longer work where beautiful women made me envy and I would try everyday and everyday I would fail a diet. Many were far from butter face…I think the job had special hiring practices and allowed some of us who were not modal thin or average sized to come on through to not make one to question( I’m guessing). Where I work now some are butter face, average, fat, older and younger. Where I use to work a woman would be slim in her 40’s and look amazing and made me try harder. Where I work now….you have to be your own inspiration.

The whole time I go to work and binge and regret. For many days, weeks and past a month for sure. I would cry alone at home to myself because life is so hard when you lack $$$$ and knowing that if thin life would of been better.

 

It was only five days ago that I came back mentally. After lifting heavy legs into bed, and being a favorite with another resident and lifting her gut up to wipe her and struggling to fit the wipe between her thigh just to…you got the picture. I just snapped out of it. After doing this nearly two months hearing a resident mention shes going to try to diet and a few hours later had ribs, cake and ice cream and then another wanting double portions and lots of snacks….I thought I have to stop punishing myself and try again. Not give up.

I been on low carb for three days and then ate normally (no pasta….huge trigger), but only cut it down. At night like tonight I been drinking coke zero (cherry flavor). The night eating is what gets me.

I never been this heavy in my whole life. 330 pounds. A shameful 330 I don’t mind sharing which leaves people in shock.

Today 314 pounds. I have a long ways to go, but if I didn’t stop I would of been 400 in no time. I can’t afford to be fat. I only have myself to depend on. Plus I want to live, jump,run,love,and have new experiences my weight stopped me from.