The question I’m asked all the time: Why are you single?

These days I pretend that yes I been sexually active, and that I have a few ex’s that didn’t work out. I make up stories just to appear normal and not have people see almost 27 year old me never had any form of a relationship. Even though its not as rare as many think. Thanks to watching porn in the past and reading sexual health columns in magazines when a co-worker shares how she loves sex and the moves a fling does to her body that leaves her hurting I make up stuff like yea …um I like that too? 

I’m asked by residents/patients at work who I care for and have become a favorite for some of them. How is a beautiful girl like me single? Beautiful….no. Single…yes. Even a bed bound Asian woman who use to question and said I can’t touch her (to help her) wanted to know I’m I married and how many marriages I had? I said….zero. You? She said one (I love her accent) There are a few residents in their 20’s who I can tell would ask me out now that they know me….but it shouldn’t take a guy to be in a nursing home who depends on you and pretty much disabled for life to see I would make a great partner. 

 

Nigerian nurse want tells me when were alone how black american men just want to have sex and babies and leave…I can’t deny that because thats what kept me real single with tons of no’s and care less if people consider me a lesbian in hiding. He went on how in his culture the men don’t beg or want women to give them money or to take care of them. Honestly I was impressed. Where I live majority of black men beg me for money even when I stop to tell them my struggles and how I pretty much broke they ask for that instead or don’t want to hear it.

At the end of the day I been single and still single today. It hurts when people ask me why I’m I single. Or told a guy should be taking care of you. And when I tried lying  that yes I have someone they say he should do better why are you walking after work in this unsafe area.

It already hurts deep down I never had a relationship before because I refuse to settle. I just hate when people ask me since I’m already down about it. I don’t believe in love. People see a fat girl and think great I don’t have to try so hard. A skinny girl gets it all.

 

 

THE GUYS I GET:

1) One who burps and tells me he knows I do it too, and kept calling me mama and felt we should be girl friend and boyfriend. Mean while a average size black girl gets his friend (who was white) who wants a career in law/justice who bought her candy and treated her like a lady. Instead I got tap dancing and burping guy wanting to know whats wrong with me.

2) The stalker who was obsessed with my rear end who bang on my door and window until one day police stopped him.

3) A group of latino guys in a passing car yelling look at that ass. When average size black girl has a group of latino guys passing her by and one stops to tell her how beautiful she was.

4) I get guys offering me (free of charge mind you) sex and I should have their baby.

5) Or on the long walk to the train station guys offer me rides asking where I want to go….never offer during the day and no I don’t get in with them. Talk about going missing for life.

 

WHY I’M SINGLE:

 

1) My area.

Where I live many women are single with or have kids and married, but don’t make enough to leave the area. I found out by a former manager its also high in abuse rate here too.  Daily who look well groomed beg in front of 7-11’s and the near by train station. Only minutes away is a whole foods, and other high retail stores….because once a upon a time my area I found out in the 60’s was considered high class. With your every day guys waiting for a truck to pick them up for random jobs to corner stores and at night with druggies walking about….who wants to date anyone in this area?

 

2) My job…s

I work in a nursing home.  In my past job in skinny girl heaven….many were women and gay guys. And a few married men and a few guys too young for anyone. Between jobs working for the old and failing health to retail with gay men and women…I don’t have really have much choices and on top of everything I’m fat meaning I would be last to be picked anyway. And the few straight guys around my age where looking for…good times? Rather then a actual relationships.

3) I don’t do fun things

I go to work and home. Unless I go to buy some food. Its back home for me. I don’t know what really would be fun for me. All I see is long bus/train rides somewhere and if I can skip hours on a bus going and coming I rather skip going somewhere then ride anywhere. So I don’t meet people unless by mistake at work

4) I’m fat

You can look ugly in the face and have a shapeless body, but if slim you have a better chance at a relationship vs being fat. The guys who were normal meaning not interested in having babies out of wedlock, had goals…were not interested in me. I would only get close when I lost a major amount of weight, but still fat….but was coming close…kinda.

5) Fear

As a teen no father like many other black kids I would meet. It effected me differently. I fear men in general no matter the race. Only had two guys who seem to be on the ok side, but fear kicked in. Thoughts of being used and left alone and heart broken stop me and made me pretty much run away from a possible relationship. One was a black guy. My mom’s friend son. He liked me. He wore his pants up, very neat and came from a decent back round and wasn’t bad at all. Fear crept in and I made sure to avoid him. Today I heard he is a father MARRIED and has a degree. The other was a biracial guy who wanted to be a modal. He would call my mom…mom. I didn’t see why he wanted my teenage 300 pound self then. I would get dirty stares from other girls because I guess they felt the same as I did why is he sitting next to me and wanting me of all people?

Fear  of being hurt and heart broken made me miss out as a teen. The other black guys who wanted me (classmates) years later have kids out of wedlock and on to the next girl…my ultimate fear of becoming a temp. good time and good bye.

 

I will be continued to be asked why I’m single…and why is someone like me is not married yet? Dreams of raising kids in a loving marriage sounds like something I can’t reach or have sometimes. I hope my future gets better…seems to becoming more darker and lonely.

 

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