Archive for July, 2014

The question I’m asked all the time: Why are you single?

July 13, 2014

These days I pretend that yes I been sexually active, and that I have a few ex’s that didn’t work out. I make up stories just to appear normal and not have people see almost 27 year old me never had any form of a relationship. Even though its not as rare as many think. Thanks to watching porn in the past and reading sexual health columns in magazines when a co-worker shares how she loves sex and the moves a fling does to her body that leaves her hurting I make up stuff like yea …um I like that too? 

I’m asked by residents/patients at work who I care for and have become a favorite for some of them. How is a beautiful girl like me single? Beautiful….no. Single…yes. Even a bed bound Asian woman who use to question and said I can’t touch her (to help her) wanted to know I’m I married and how many marriages I had? I said….zero. You? She said one (I love her accent) There are a few residents in their 20’s who I can tell would ask me out now that they know me….but it shouldn’t take a guy to be in a nursing home who depends on you and pretty much disabled for life to see I would make a great partner. 


Nigerian nurse want tells me when were alone how black american men just want to have sex and babies and leave…I can’t deny that because thats what kept me real single with tons of no’s and care less if people consider me a lesbian in hiding. He went on how in his culture the men don’t beg or want women to give them money or to take care of them. Honestly I was impressed. Where I live majority of black men beg me for money even when I stop to tell them my struggles and how I pretty much broke they ask for that instead or don’t want to hear it.

At the end of the day I been single and still single today. It hurts when people ask me why I’m I single. Or told a guy should be taking care of you. And when I tried lying  that yes I have someone they say he should do better why are you walking after work in this unsafe area.

It already hurts deep down I never had a relationship before because I refuse to settle. I just hate when people ask me since I’m already down about it. I don’t believe in love. People see a fat girl and think great I don’t have to try so hard. A skinny girl gets it all.




1) One who burps and tells me he knows I do it too, and kept calling me mama and felt we should be girl friend and boyfriend. Mean while a average size black girl gets his friend (who was white) who wants a career in law/justice who bought her candy and treated her like a lady. Instead I got tap dancing and burping guy wanting to know whats wrong with me.

2) The stalker who was obsessed with my rear end who bang on my door and window until one day police stopped him.

3) A group of latino guys in a passing car yelling look at that ass. When average size black girl has a group of latino guys passing her by and one stops to tell her how beautiful she was.

4) I get guys offering me (free of charge mind you) sex and I should have their baby.

5) Or on the long walk to the train station guys offer me rides asking where I want to go….never offer during the day and no I don’t get in with them. Talk about going missing for life.




1) My area.

Where I live many women are single with or have kids and married, but don’t make enough to leave the area. I found out by a former manager its also high in abuse rate here too.  Daily who look well groomed beg in front of 7-11’s and the near by train station. Only minutes away is a whole foods, and other high retail stores….because once a upon a time my area I found out in the 60’s was considered high class. With your every day guys waiting for a truck to pick them up for random jobs to corner stores and at night with druggies walking about….who wants to date anyone in this area?


2) My job…s

I work in a nursing home.  In my past job in skinny girl heaven….many were women and gay guys. And a few married men and a few guys too young for anyone. Between jobs working for the old and failing health to retail with gay men and women…I don’t have really have much choices and on top of everything I’m fat meaning I would be last to be picked anyway. And the few straight guys around my age where looking for…good times? Rather then a actual relationships.

3) I don’t do fun things

I go to work and home. Unless I go to buy some food. Its back home for me. I don’t know what really would be fun for me. All I see is long bus/train rides somewhere and if I can skip hours on a bus going and coming I rather skip going somewhere then ride anywhere. So I don’t meet people unless by mistake at work

4) I’m fat

You can look ugly in the face and have a shapeless body, but if slim you have a better chance at a relationship vs being fat. The guys who were normal meaning not interested in having babies out of wedlock, had goals…were not interested in me. I would only get close when I lost a major amount of weight, but still fat….but was coming close…kinda.

5) Fear

As a teen no father like many other black kids I would meet. It effected me differently. I fear men in general no matter the race. Only had two guys who seem to be on the ok side, but fear kicked in. Thoughts of being used and left alone and heart broken stop me and made me pretty much run away from a possible relationship. One was a black guy. My mom’s friend son. He liked me. He wore his pants up, very neat and came from a decent back round and wasn’t bad at all. Fear crept in and I made sure to avoid him. Today I heard he is a father MARRIED and has a degree. The other was a biracial guy who wanted to be a modal. He would call my mom…mom. I didn’t see why he wanted my teenage 300 pound self then. I would get dirty stares from other girls because I guess they felt the same as I did why is he sitting next to me and wanting me of all people?

Fear  of being hurt and heart broken made me miss out as a teen. The other black guys who wanted me (classmates) years later have kids out of wedlock and on to the next girl…my ultimate fear of becoming a temp. good time and good bye.


I will be continued to be asked why I’m single…and why is someone like me is not married yet? Dreams of raising kids in a loving marriage sounds like something I can’t reach or have sometimes. I hope my future gets better…seems to becoming more darker and lonely.



Purging Queen and Hospital Visit

July 9, 2014,1274968427,1/stock-photo-heavy-woman-watching-television-while-eating-53995120.jpg


11pm something buys family size of fruity pebbles and a small thing of whole milk. One six pack of tropical punch cool aid and a large box of uncooked pasta and spaghetti sauce from walmart.

A good walk back in the dead of the night. Strange people walking around, a girl in her 20’s laying on the bus bench, I feel bad because I’m very close to being her.

Get home and its almost 12am by 5 minutes. I quickly pour half the box of cereal in a large bowl and milk, I go fast….and think I better start cooking the pasta, so after I can eat that right after.

Hungry…no,…only coping. I didn’t want to do this to myself. The scale read 314 from 330 a couple of weeks ago. Yet here I go face down bite after bite going crazy like a starved child.

I made sure to savor the soggy cereal, I loved the colors in my bowl floating in milk. I heard the pot in the kitchen starting to bubble. I didn’t want this to end.

I loved swallowing, the texture, the taste….I was in bliss a moment to forget and focus on eating then my problems.

I felt so full, but I didn’t stop. I ate so much I had to use the bath room!! After I came out completing 1& 2 I felt the urge to purge. Something I been stopping for some time. I felt so disgusted with myself. I looked in the mirror and all the things I been told for weeks by a couple of co-workers who didn’t believe I could be 300 and something pounds.

I have to explain my height makes me look different vs a short person at 300. To some I look 250…so when I was 250 what did I look like that? For a small moment I thought well if people think I look ok now maybe I’m over reacting….maybe I should find a guy…like really try to find a guy…again A guy who will take me at my tall, but obese self…

Then it happened magazines and too many tanned thin girls going about this summer  …not average thin, but too thin for my liking reminded me I will always feel like last place at my size always.

And PLEASE don’t be a thin black girl. It makes me feel even worse. More so when they are happy with their size and not acting typical such as wanting to gain weight in hopes of the magical butt and thighs. The ones who want to gain weight makes me feel ….good. I admit this only online. 

And regardless of race ….just not a fan of too many thin girls since it reminds me to look in the mirror and see all the globs of fat weighing me down from my future husband/boyfriend.

So I release….

I sat down in my simple wooden chair. I got a plastic bowl I was going to throw away anyway. I turned the tv to a saved tv show. Took a deep breath and let it flow. At 1:14am……dbehjfrfhfhrjwkd

Stop to relax…..1:20am sndjrenfrhfebbr   brings nasty bowl closer and continued dnnemfehfkskdkdkdldlld

Stomach no longer feeling full.

I felt it all stop, but forced myself to go at it again by one deep breath and skjdhdjhfbvbdjr  jcejfhgfefbef  dnndndndndn….done.




After all was done. I comforted myself thinking I deserve this. I deserved to eat this amount due to all the problems I had.

I got paid last week with 377 dollars. My first check since starting this job. Problem was it was not enough for rent. Next check will be decent, but this check had me in tears at PLS with customers wondering whats going on, and a sucky rep who kept smiling at me saying I’m making her feel bad and to cheer up…as they called a job I’m still new at to confirm my employment alerting HR a very small office that I need more money for rent.

I was given 150 with ten $ having to go on their lame re-loadable card I didn’t want. The 10$ when used will be charged with use. At 140 I was barely saved by paying rent.

New problem no money for public transportation or food. I felt awful and alone with no one to really turn to since the people I know are struggling or just can’t afford to help. And the one person who can is out of town on vacation.

So yesterday at another location seeking payday loan just to afford to make it to work and back until pay day which is semi monthly not bi-weekly.

Long story short after eating cheap foods and 64 cent sodas (32 oz)

I knew I would binge later like insane to get rid of the desire of lack of….to get my mind off my problems.


Two days ago on my day off. I decided to go to the hospital. I want to know why I can’t walk at all sometimes due to my left ankle. And I limp almost everyday. I blamed my weight. Then it made no sense since my right ankle was perfect. The left ankle caused shooting pains and after working on my feet for hours and many times having to walk 40 minutes to work after getting off the train and after work at 10pm in the pitch dark night have to limp 50 minutes back to the train station tired and doing more harm to myself then good.

I decided to visit the hospital. After x-rays and a nurse and doctor looking at my ankle.  Another nurse returned to tell me I have a ankle spur (not  heel spur) and thats whats causing me walking problems. I mean after orientation before starting my first day of the job….I was following the group for a tour of the building. All of a sudden my ankle was in serious pain. I stopped and could no longer walk. I remember thinking please not now, please go…pleaaaase!

I forced myself slowly hoping no one saw me struggling to take simple steps.

Luckily with force and pain words can’t explain I took slow mini steps as the group ahead of me was fading away as I was stuck behind. 

I was given pain meds to help, and told to try to stay off my feet…when I have to be on my feet to work and get to and from work. I can ride the bus sometimes, but sometimes I miss the bus or its late. When its on time and I’m there to catch it, it helps.

so in a nut shell the only way to help is for me to stop working (can’t find a sit down job and when I do its taken by some average size or thin girl).

Its crazy people are told to walk for their health. I’m told not to walk as much and heres some pain meds.

I asked if I lose weight will I be ok? The nurse said it would take pressure off it…explains why when I was 249 pounds I limp at rare, but not often.

Thanks to the ankle spur I couldn’t last at a job and thats why I’m struggling today, I had to make call outs in the past at others jobs….all over a ankle spur…so a binge and purge was in order.


I’m going to bed work later today. Limping and hope to walk the next day.

I have to be skinny and the list grows why. I never saw my adult self like this.

Its 3:17am and I can purge again…I just felt it,but I will pass on this one….zzzz