9 pound loss in two days, ankles hurt so bad still…, I hate this job due to the pain and few of my co-workers and nurses, and I know I will reach goal and going back in time….

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Today is 6/29/2014 exactly 12am.

Today marks day three as of 12am.

You can work a very demanding job all day long on your feet…but only so much you can lose and sometimes just gain in weight.

I forced myself a diet of only fruits (low calorie fruits: watermelon,canned pears, canned peaches, both only 35 to 40 calories per serving canned wise) and veggies: baby carrots and broccoli. Because of this job I don’t pack my food…paranoid about all the germs and disease in the nursing home, so I eat a cup of watermelon from a near by chain store.

So far been losing 4 pounds a day.

*I wake up late so I always miss breakfast. Just wake up and get ready for work.

 

Day one:

Lunch(when getting ready for work) Two handfuls of baby carrots with warm water…from my sink of all places.

On break time between 7pm-8pm: A small bowl of over priced watermelon

Day two:

Everything the same including the water, but lunch one handful of carrots, on break watermelon again(caved in to  grape soda), and when I got home Lipton tea with zero calorie sugar.

So I’m just going to stick to low calorie fruits and veggies.

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I hate this job ….it wouldn’t be bad if lazy nurses who claim there busy at all times refuse to help you transfer someone who is too heavy alone (on paper it says two person) plus size people have been lied to. Were told we will die sooner. So far only the thin people have passed away. The fat ones both super morbidly obese to morbidly obese are alive and well….just require a lot of strength to move them and more then one person. Besides the very lazy nurse wanting me to do it all alone on a two person. The aide I was teamed up with had a attitude of I won’t help you vibes, but she got help from other aids from other halls who they all befriended since they been there for a year or more….so me the new one they careless about. Only two aides are willing to help me and I help them with heavy transfers,but we don’t always share the same shifts/days.

Besides all that it requires a lot of standing,bending, going up and down halls and answering call lights. Some ring the light because they want to talk (I can’t others need help too) , some ring the light because they thought their roommate needed something, some ring the light by mistake, but most of the time its to be changed or go to the bathroom.

Once I made it clear I was going to the head nurse about her lazy nurses (including another aide with the same compliant) yesterday…only a few minutes ago was yesterday. He was all nice and helpful, wanted to joke with me and what not even though I didn’t work on his hall. I don’t trust him and feel I better say something then nothing at all.

 

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I complain and complain and complain. All this limping, pain, and aches takes me back to my 300 shocked self getting the job as a stock person for a major high retail store. How I walked slowly to work from where I live it took at first 40-50 minutes. I recall stopping sometimes to rest my feet 4am something in the morning. I was suppose to be there at 6am, but didn’t trust my pace to get me there on time. All the fast pace music in the world couldn’t take away the pain and speed me up. Then once I made it to the mall thanks to our security. We typed in a code, and had to go up three flights of stairs and every morning I would complain going up there…stopping a few times only to reach the top out of breath and seeking a chair it made other co-workers laugh or say we knew who was coming up! Sometimes I tried taking short cuts only to see early mall goers who were ELDERLY walk at a unnatural speed passing me by several times around. Honestly I was ashamed. After work sun or rain I walked home since I already missed the bus or didn’t want to pay 2.50 for a two hour pass down the street….later I learned the ride was free as long as you were leaving the mall and going to the train station.

The job required lots of box lifting and standing. And small moments of me sneaking behind the back behind shelves of towels to rest my feet and ankles even then. I carried my anti pain spray bottle and had took pain pills to hope it would help me somewhat at least.

I broke sweat…like I do now at this nursing home, I limp leaving work….like I do now at this nursing home….

At the nursing home no one wears make up if they do its a simple gloss that fades away later in the shift.

At the high end retail store all the women wore makeup from 20 something to 60 something. And majority of the women were modal thin to average weight. Only a very small few were fat. Being around them motivated me to wear makeup …then I too wore it everyday. I over heard them say how hungry they were and before I could recommend something such as a large potatoes,cheese,sour cream ect. they all went for black coffee….the end. After work they all went to the gym or jogging. They put effort in their looks and bodies. At walmart and nursing home…its not anything glam about it or pro thin,

I come in limping…….I lied and told them I sprain my ankle….but its a new week and I’m still limping. So either they ask do I have kids? To explain my fat and limpy self. Or say oh your still tired from yesterday,….trying to be funny. I tried to call out to rest my ankles. I was told I can’t since I’m still in my 90 day period. So off to work I go…..crawled to the bathroom, stayed on the floor and used my spray pain away bottle…a bottle I had used at the job that laid me off. The same job that took me from 300 to 249 pounds where I thought I never needed the spray bottle again. Thanks to that bottle still in great pain it took maybe 20 percent away out of 100. I stood up…after being on the floor for 30 minutes….needing to go to the rest room for three hours, but pain so great I held it until I had no choice. Took me long to get dressed,  limped slowly to the bus stop, long story short had to limp 30 minutes from the train station to work and thanks to a resident who felt a smoke break was more important which made me miss the bus….it was either limp slowly to the train station , with painful feet and after work a 40 min walk or wait for the next bus to the train station a hour later.

It was real late I clocked out at 10:06pm,made it to the bus stop at 10:08pm the bus long gone at 10:06pm.

Off I walked listening to music on youtube to beauty tips. Lots of trees and bushes a long the way, many passing cars. My co-workers ….just like my old job) could drive me 4 minutes or less to the train station, but they say they will get lost and not from around these parts. When its just a straight shot and many pass by it anyway! Everyone has rides from family, or they own a car, one catches the bus, but she caught the one on time, but sometimes they give her a ride. Shes one of the popular girls there, but shes nice.

I walked in the dead of the night, limping, tired, I do anything for a ride I thought. Then this Latin guy in a decent car pulls up beside me as I’m walking on the side walk. He offers me a ride. I wanted to jump in so badly and tell him where I stay, so I can get home and just relax. I told him no. I continued limping on. He drove alllllll the way around back to me to ask me again. I was almost to the train station …..but I told him no thank you. The offer did mean a lot, but I don’t know him. And he looked annoyed I didn’t go in. I mean I can’t get my own co-workers to take me minutes down the street, but you a total stranger would? I didn’t trust that.

I talked to someone a year ago. Shes legally blind and she said that after work no matter how close a distance to where she lived or a train station. Her own co-workers who liked her a lot wouldn’t give her a ride, even driving by her like they do me and beeping their *&%%^*horns (I hate when they do that…I just act like I don’t see them) driving by waving, or say oh I saw you (enter location) with a huge smile like your suppose to react like wow cool. My inner self wants to tell them to get the fuck away from me! I’m in PAIN I’m SUFFERING yet you want to tell me you drove by me? I will never understand that.

She moved to Austin and she said co-workers offer you rides down the street, and men in Austin offer you rides without the feeling its really sexual only. It was actually a few Austin people who raised up 400 and something dollars to save my apartment by paying the rent of it. The people I know in this city ask for help, but admit they wouldn’t help me :/

Anyway back on topic…

300 pounds stock girl. I listened in on thin girls. I noticed both the black and white girls both size zeros….you never saw them eat.

I wanted to be just like them so badly. So badly. I wanted to be a walking thin girl too. I will take it in a size 4. A 2 would be bliss.

When I worked as a sitter most of the women were obese and black like me, we had some white workers too, but they were fat as well.

I ate five candy bars with no shame, I would drink 3-4 cans of fruit punch after…or during.

I would eat before work and after, even requesting the aide give me a breakfast like my resident minus the prunes. I bought lunch there Nursing home food helps you gain weight….I didn’t care. I ate and ate and ate. I had no one to make me rethink my true desire to be thin. Everyone was average to obese. Some who were average weight and wore make up were also butter faces too….so I kept eating.

I loved the way the Hershey bars felt in my mouth and the fruit punch just made my mouth go insane with pleasure….until it was over.

No one judged my size, no one tried to look like a play boy girl or runway modal to make me feel less then…because deep down I envy that. Would never admit to it publicly. The job required a lot of sitting (I was a sitter) and help one resident get dress, use the bathroom, and off to bed. I never limped after work. This job was perfect for my 300 pound self. I believe I went up to 306 during that time.

 

 

I know it may sound bad, but if women just were 50-100 pounds overweight. That would make me feel better when I become thin since I will be the one sought after. I want to host parties full of calorie rich food and drinks to increase the size of thin women/girls. Not to bed bound status now thats evil, but enough to make a guy over look them and see me. Thats why I think as a sales girl at ice cream polar I made sure to mention rich milkshakes and I added malt and chocolate, whip cream with a cherry on top for these two joggers….with swishing pony tails in cotton rubber bands. Their shorts were also …real short revealing long thin legs (they were short, but somehow…)

When they taste that shake they seemed so happy those bright Colgate white smiles. Saying they just finished jogging and came for water and I was so happy they agreed on a large.

I got home exactly at 11:29pm. After boiling tea, watching a few minutes of tv…too tired to complete a show (I saved the energy to type tonight) its now 1:47am. I will continue reliving that beautiful day in my mind.

Heres to fruits and vegetables and finding the man of my dreams! lol

 

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