Going to work hurts.

I take vitamin D3 pills daily for my bones. Do I feel its working? Like most vitamins….not really…at all. Today its 6/18/14 time 4:08am.

Its hard for me to sleep later since I drink so much caffeine during my shift for energy.  I try to sneak sit when I can to get all the weight off my feet and joints. After my shift my limping is so noticeable and both feet and ankles hurt. Not just one side. I get up at 12pm to prepare for work. I hope I can walk….just one more day before having a day off to rest my feet and every other part of me. I laid here for a hour before struggling up to get my clothes out the dryer. First slowly using my right hand resting on my near by chair to lift myself up. Then limped badly and slowly to the dryer and back. I was thinking the whole time I can’t wait for this to be over.

I talked to my co-workers and they said themselves the guys I’m getting is from my weight. And that once they lost weight better men came. She said men have it in their heads when your fat you have lower expectations and should be easier to get. I told her I know thats the truth. Like in my opinion you can get a decent guy, but that same guy would have to do a lot just to have a thin girl’s attention.

They welcomed me to walk with them on their lunch breaks….lol. Um I know I surely can’t walk after work if I did that. Plus now I walk even more since this job and I mean coming and going home. Drivers have to squeeze in their walks. Us bus riders don’t.

She said I’m young (I don’t see myself young anymore. Pretty much fat and aged) and that I should be having fun and dating and dressing up. The older I get I thought the more I miss out because my weight been holding me back for years.

*No prom

*No boyfriend

*No clothes I truly like

*Can’t run to save my own life

Just getting older and struggling. Nothing has changed except I’m bigger, and trying to keep a job if my ankles can just hold off for one more day.

My ankles are throbbing now and my feet just want a break. I feel I been in prison because of society views of it’s obese population. There I things I want to try, but dare not to because at my size I won’t be welcomed. I was welcomed to a concert a couple of years ago….can’t go. I refuse to be the fat fan every band hates to have.

I can’t apply at hooters or regular stores because they rather no experience and slim. Then fat and experienced.

I can’t have a desk job that would be ideal for me right now because everyone tends to want a slim or average sized woman who can stand longer then you sitting there….texting ….and doing nothing, but existing to answer a few phone calls and point to where you need to go…again point.


My mind has always wanted to run, jog, jump knowing that when I came back down my knees would be intact, to roll around, to do more, but I can’t physically without extreme pain that could do a lot of damage.

Its like being fat its not worth living. Deep down I think sometimes why I’m I still alive? Death is the easy way out, but at least no bills, no more trying, and no more being judged based on size, and last no more food triggers and super thin women triggering me into some form of deep sadness because I want their size so bad!

I wish I could be one of those large women who embrace their size. Then find a guy who is far from my type, but I take him anyway,and pretend everything is all lovely.

I tried to embrace the whole fat movement, but it makes me feel worse. I feel like crying at such a thought. 😦

I’m going to bed now. And day dream myself running, jumping…happiness …just happiness and using my body how it was met to.

In the nursing home some of the people (not counting the bed bound ones) move better then me. I have pain that I shouldn’t be having now.

Such a pointless way to live.

The pain I’m having now…is unreal.

I just hope to walk one more day for work today before having that much needed day off.

I am losing some weight, but I didn’t want to lose it this way in such pain.

I will post weight loss later in some days. I don’t count calories, just all the walking….hours…not 30min….and at a slow pace (I have no choice pace wise).

Let me go…..zzzzz




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2 Responses to “Going to work hurts.”

  1. jackamalo Says:

    have you been taking some sort of ibuprofen or something for your ankles? And I know this might sound old school but it helps….soaking your feet in epsom salt? I hope you keep making it.

    I like to think that I haven’t committed suicide yet because there is something in me that knows I can do this and it is not willing to give up. Maybe you have that inside you too.

  2. ebonnie Says:

    I use to a couple of years ago….may have to go back to that. Epsom salt makes my feet itchy, but that was four years ago maybe I won’t itch this time around.

    And… 🙂 I agree.

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