First day of work,A maybe roommate,Having a routine aids in weight loss, weight and body odor, lonely….again…feel like giving up my cats,Clever skinny girls posing with food.,1291230145,6/stock-photo-beautiful-nurse-bringing-meal-tray-to-old-woman-at-nursing-home-66447439.jpg

Yesterday (new day and time is 12:47am) went well. Yesterday a weekend the public transportation is doesn’t come often. I end up walking a 20-25 min walk from the train station to work or I could of waited for the bus that would be there at 2:14pm…and thats if it came on time. I decided to walk. The sun wasn’t as intense, but hot. I started dripping sweat as I walked along the never ending sidewalk passing little businesses such as nail shops, Asian takeout, family dollar. The sidewalk then became a hill. I remember wanting to stop somewhere along the way for a quick snack. The walking, the sweat washing away my make up, and the heavy breathing …typical. I kept going since I was already late. Once I got there I clocked in at 2:07pm.

Long story short, most of the people require a lot of help, but you can talk to them and my shift was 2pm to 10pm required dinner, some showers, and bed time. Then focus on keeping everyone clean….it was a lot of work (won’t go into details), but I can’t complain after my last jobs. One resident stood out…shorter then me and we weighed the same weight. My trainee was shocked we weighed the same. This woman total bed bound weighed the same as me…325 😦  yes I gained it back. Only she was bed bound….and I’m almost there. I told her my height helps and shes short so…yes she appeared bigger then me and couldn’t walk. Makes me think back…..when I was so down about being 250 something in weight. I was fat, but I wasn’t so bad like I am today. Not only after being laid off and then struggling to find a job that was full time and where I was treated like a person, then worry about being homeless I ate all my weight back on and kept a very  inactive lifestyle. I ate all my weight back on plus more. I gotten the biggest I have ever gotten in my whole LIFE. My mind wants to run, jump, try new things, explore, but my body always says you can’t…because really I can’t.


My 250 something pound days before being laid off:Image


And these days between 320-330 pounds:Image


All my size 18 clothes no longer fit me, my shirts no longer can fit because my arms larger,double chin more noticeable and my thighs are now larger its unreal, and gut now hangs …lower.

I can never forget my trainee’s face when I shared my weight which was the exact weight of the bed bound woman before us.

Over all the job is decent so far, and my feet are sore. After work the last bus was at 10:06pm. I came out at 10:03pm. My feet kinda achy, left ankle acing up, I felt the desire to eat…only because I was upset that once again I may have to take another near 30 min walk back to the train station. Part of me just felt like allowing some tears to run down my face. It gets old. 

I waited and look down at my clock at 10:12pm after waiting to see if the bus haven’t come yet. So I figured the bus already came a little early and was gone. As soon as I started walking the good walk back. Thinking my co-workers at least one could of drop me off at the near by train station (a 3 min drive) and I know many have drove right by me and the train station… I started walking and guess what. There was the last bus. I stood there looking at the bus driving at a med. speed drive right on by. I was hoping he would stop (some will) knowing he was the last bus…he kept going and I stood there looking stupid. I wanted to eat even more. Once I made it to the train station I wanted to go to the near by gas station and buy greasy snacks, sodas, and chocolate to cope. I had to  remind myself that I’m off Sunday and can relax. I force myself back up to the train waiting area with thoughts of food.

After waiting what seemed forever for the train (20 min) I got back to my area in no time. I checked for the bus to take me home….well the next bus was at 11:17pm or I could walk home. I hated the long walk after walking to work…..then walking after work….and now walking home…after being on my feet for work as well.

I hated the walk home in my area. I ignored the guys doing cat calls with zero to offer. The stares. I kept my ear phones on to ignore anyone calling me out on the walk home. I thought to myself….my life could be better, but at least I have a job thats full time.


Roommates I thought was a part of youth. Something the majority did. I needed a roommate years ago as in 4 years ago. My first one was a Ethiopian guy who would never share his age (30 something for sure) and promised me he didn’t like fat girls. I moved in and learned real quick…if your not a guys type and his type doesn’t want him…well men make exceptions. I woke up to him at my door staring at me as I sleep, him asking me if a man wanted to have sex how would he get to it because my legs were to fat, so I left him…..long story short I moved in with a crazy co-worker who I learned heard her head, controlling, told me she will each me how to use a sex toy and we can go to the toy shop together ….my thoughts were vivid me on my back and her with a toy in her hand….?? She even said I needed to wear sexy red sleep wear. I asked her that even though she has a boyfriend…in jail…that does she goes…both ways? She got mad and told me she always felt I was the lesbian and trying to shove the title to her! :/ She got crazier….long story…I moved out no more her demanding I come home early….when I was at work, no more her calling me all the time, or hoping I stare I her butt, no more dealing with her getting angry because I won’t spend time with her, she even came in the room in tears around 1am I believe to let me know if she was me she would kill herself. She said its like I was a stone, I can’t love anyone, and its like I’m dead already , but exist and able to breath…….sadly I recall she was right. I use to nick name myself walking dead girl(only in my head). I still feel like stone. I never been in a relationship and deep down the idea… it even possible? I can’t really see it even though I want it. Being ignored by decent guys, passed up, and no attention I want so badly….years go by and I feel numb. I cried and it made her happy I showed some form of emotion other then existing. I worked hard and beg for extra days so I could save up and leave her. She called and left a voice mail saying she missed me and she knows I’m angry with her…after those years ago I never contacted her again and never will.

After that I said no more roommates for me! Living on my own all bills were mines. All of them.  And new worries and stress came. I don’t recall any time in my life or year where life was stress free and simple. So a friend of mines contacted me recently that her son (he is 20 I believe) wants a roommate. I have bad luck….nothing stable. One minute I’m good the next minute I’m about to lose my place. She felt we would make a great match since were kinda alike. Only he is smarter and had a better environment (his mother wasn’t abused, and a really good education from the start). I know he will be a somebody someday and me some tax payers burden if nothing gets better. I really like this family as well. Skipping many details he doesn’t need a roommate, but wants the independent life. He wants a roommate since its his first time living on his own. And I learned he was gay, not shocked….but honestly I am at the same time. So he didn’t want any roommate since some people hate gays. Me even if I don’t agree with your lifestyle, behaviors,beliefs ect. regardless of what it is, I tend to be accepting as long as it doesn’t places me in any form of danger.  His family would pay his portion of rent and it would be in a safer area, and 100 dollars cheaper to me,BUT unlike him I didn’t come from a …..whats the word…..well a family that would give me a semi used or used nice car or car in general. So the nice area….would be longer to get to from my new job and I maybe stranded after work since the nice areas are not bus friendly….on purpose.

My mom said he has a car and I don’t. The job I have now has some perks. We could move closer to my job since he has a car…but moving closer to my job…its not a good area to live, but during the day looks great…..because of that I don’t think I will take the offer. Shes right and he has a right to be close to school driving wise. I really wanted a roommate even 3 years ago, but I will keep a open mind knowing my luck it may be best to have a roommate. I wonder if the desire to move is to be more comfortable with first time dating with another guy? Around family maybe its too much? Like even for me I wouldn’t want a guy I’m dating around my family either….too nerve wrecking for a first time relationship for someone like me.

Also a roommate means no more walking in underwear and bras to the kitchen.

But we will see.


I forgot it takes routine to lose weight. I remember the 250 something days before being laid off. I had a eating routine. On my days off I would eat too much only to get back on track on my work days. I wasn’t perfect…but I wasn’t eating around the clock. I hope having this job I have a eating routine again….and soon.

Thin and average size people can smell real bad too, but when they do…I never hear its about their weight.

Recently twice a thin and average size co-worker smelled badly to the point it was brought up in a meeting and the importance of deodorant. Its never blamed about their weight of course. I will be honest looooooong ago I would take a shower and arm pits still smell, no matter how hard I scrubbed. It was like I never took a shower. The sun, plus my weight and sweat increased my chances of smelling I’m assuming. 2010 I was pulled by my Ross manager and was made to go to the bathroom and she bought me organic soap, perfume and told me to use it all….yes I was so ashamed. I went to the bathroom and scrubbed and scrubbed with reg hand soap and water, then used the organic wash that smelled so good even customers were like wow that girl smells good! Problem was the wonderful organic stuff made my arm pits raw which caused pain. A size 2 elderly co-worker told me she went through the same thing when she was younger and co-workers laughed at her. She was given the advice to bath in soda (cola) and that solved her problem. The idea sounded weak and I never had the strength to wash in soda…instead I would drink it…so never found out if it worked or not. 

What works for me is washing my armpits with a little bleach maybe once every two-three weeks. Then wash with regular body wash as usual. Even after sweating, walking all day and what not. I don’t have a bad smell and never do. Its been years since I have. I hear others talk about who sinks and smells and maybe is part of their culture to smell, but this is America. Or hearing two co-workers talk about pulling the manager to the side because so and so (who is not fat by the way) needs to be talked to about soap…kinda rude to be honest. I can only imagine what was said about me some years ago.


This is not a new trend. Its always been around. Since I was a teen. Some very thin girls don’t care to do this, but many do. America is food obsessed in itself. To be thin and take pictures of you biting or holding food is a form of attention seeking say hey world look a me I’m super thin and eat…no …no I really do! How do I know? This was one of my fantasies to upload pics of me eating a burger and fries, but skip out on pictures of me over a toilet or in the shower purging, or taking pictures eating slices of pizza and last photo with a ha ha type grin that you wish you were me…skipping out on the photos of me boiling lax tea and regretting eating that as I over exercise myself, or biting into a triple whooper and uploading it to a dating site letting guys know yes you can have a model body girlfriend who can eat like a plus size woman (what guys really want..aka barbie with a appetite…guys like feeding thin women more known as dinner dates), or taking pictures of apple pie with dripping vanilla ice cream taking a bite and taking as many pics as you can and throwing out the rest… only capture what is taken. Never the whole story.

And being thin uploading pictures ….is saying look I’m naturally thin and can eat whatever….not knowing thats their only meal of the day and gosh darn it! So and so asked you out on a dinner date so you order a over priced salad deep down he hates to pay for and diet coke.

Some are real good such as don’t eat, but eat a lot around others. Or the trendy thing to do is say your vegan or your allergic to______. So to you and many others they eat more then you when it has been proven their calorie burning rate a lot of times is the same as a bigger person or average person. They just so happen to be smart with their calories.

Some stay this way forever since they were very young and carry these eating habits into adulthood. To the point they even say they are naturally thin…when thats a natural lie.

Anyone who says they are naturally thin and when I pay attention to them….real close. There never naturally thin. They do things to balance their calories or burn the calories off or both. The ones who told me they are naturally thin…

1) Love to tell me how hungry they are…..only to take A again A bite into a danish or A bite into a hot dog and into the garbage it goes….only to text me or say in person to my large round double chin face that they are hungry when a couple hours ago you just threw away food. This is to let me know they get hungry just as often as me yet can stay small.

2) They purge…I need to get back into that habit. Cons to it, but I’m careful.

3) They eat like a farm animal in need of even more food, but go to the gym hours a day…but won’t tell you.

So many ways…


But the whole take pics as I hold food is becoming more popular. A flat stomach, slim legs, and a collar bone holding a heavy calorie item. Like I said I am yet to find someone who is naturally thin. And if a thin person tries to prove me wrong and I move in…it would be pure torture for them. I mean how would they explain a 10-20 pound weight gain because I was watching them to see one of hundreds of skinny person moves to stay slim? They would hate to prove me right.

Even on a pro ana site they thought it was funny seeing a pic full of modals eating cake ect….a pic is a stand still. They even said after those ladies likely threw the rest away.

To be thin and have pictures of eating is a form of showing off.

I mean few pictures exist of fat people eating and they don’t get the same praise either.

Even fast food ads love using a fat or thin person in their ads. They are saying see you can eat here and stay thin. Don’t blame your weight on us.


This was a long one…..



I have two cats. I got the cats because I was lonely aka single.

Pros about owning a cat:

1) Use the litter box inside, no going outside tired or in bad weather like you would a dog.

2) Cats are independent. I can leave a few days leaving them with food and water and come back and every things fine. A dog requires a sitter and lots of $$$$ to be watched.

3) My cats are cute (at least to me) a year and some months old, love playing their toys, love to be rubbed, treats,and can be vocal.

Since owning my cats………..

1) Chewed some stuffing out my sneaker…I need new shoes now.

2) Chewed through about 7 head phone wires

3) Tried to chew through my tv wire

4) Chewed through my lamp….so no more bright apt…always gloomy and dim with tiny lamp

5) They hate all the hugs and kisses I give them……so now they sleep in the corner of my apt or in the closet only to come near for rub downs and treats, sometimes they come up to me to meow randomly.

6) Peed on a hand me down sofa from a co-worker two years ago…so no sofa.

7) Thanks to a water bottle the girl cat doesn’t  pee on the floor for fun when shes annoyed.

8) Scratched up some of the walls (no longer do)

9) Enjoy exploring meaning waking up to one ripping up my paper towel for fun and the other for days want to play in the garbage bag.

I love my cats and when I first got them (at 6 months) they seemed more loving. They still follow me to the bathroom and are very playful, but dogs at least they sleep near their owners if you allow them and enjoy a lot of attention…but I couldn’t get one because I want to visit my family and didn’t feel like paying over priced fees for someone to allow my dog to stay in a kennel, or their home, or my place to just visit to make sure he/she is ok. I pick up my cat and the girl makes this sound for a cat that pretty much means noooooooooooo, making you feel kinda guilty. So she dashes off living her own life…and I’m paying for it.

I got the cats to cure the loneliness. Sadly for the cats I’m still single. I feel bad, but dogs are very different. And no pet can greet you like a dog can. My cats greet me with some meowing and when I try to pick one up it runs away :/ 

But I know them being black cats and not kittens they will be placed in a shelter and likely put to sleep. No kill shelters like to take pets they feel will be easy to be adopted out. I would hate to give away my cats, but……

I better go to bed.

I’m getting older, more lonely, more bigger and food is the only thing I feel I can turn to temporarily until its gone.


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One Response to “First day of work,A maybe roommate,Having a routine aids in weight loss, weight and body odor, lonely….again…feel like giving up my cats,Clever skinny girls posing with food.”

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