I hope I don’t lose a job I didn’t start yet due to weight.

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Everything is centered at my weight. Yesterday I  relaxed myself mentally. Walked slower and didn’t push myself. Pushing myself doesn’t make me out walk anyone. I let go of the shame of those younger and older then me walking pass me or saying excuse me as they walked around me…like people do to me everyday now. I felt pain on my left side my leg just a little above the ankle area. My knees are weak …for some years now, and bending over to lift something heavy …here comes the lower back pain. On the phone with a former co-worker I placed my hand over the speaker to whisper to the cashier…..two onion burgers….med fry….one apple pie….he laughed….I returned to the phone and said uh huh…right right…(some people talk on and on that they never notice you are not on the phone anymore) …I quickly told him for here! I then felt myself limping once I got my order and say down going into a mind numbing trance. I didn’t feel any empty stomach like feelings anymore, but wanted to relive that moment again. I had to force myself out of Walmart’s Mc Donalds. I stayed away from their burgers and fries because my locale mc donalds only gets the apple pies right….the fries are nasty, and so our their burgers, so I thought that Mc Donalds changed or something. Only many months later discover outside my area they are wonderful again.

I start my first day Saturday. I should of said Monday I would be ready….but the thought of bills said Its best I start soon. I did give myself today off (friday). Water fasting with no job…binge over lack of job. Water fasting with job….binge for a quick sugar rush and just to chew.

Fasting is simple and cheap. No special cooking, no list of foods to buy….its just don’t eat, but its so HARD. I struggle with time seeming to go slow on fasts and how it seems I have time to do things without focusing on getting food then heating it. My first thoughts in the morning is food.

 

I gain my weight right back on and before anyone thinks its because I fasted thats false. You can gain weight on any fast, any diet,any so called lifestyle change if you eat the amount of calories I do per day. Cheap high calorie foods full of sugar or converts to sugar such as pasta.

I fear the staff noticing that I limp a times, or my walking is not at a normal speed, and lucky me I will work 2pm-10pm and I been reading thats a decent shift. Its not like 6am to 2pm which is fast and requires even more from you. 6am to 2pm is great since when your done the whole day is yours, but its best I get the 2pm to 10pm shift. Something that is kinda fast, but not rapid nurse assistant work. My quick thinking (that interview wasn’t easy….) and friendly nature towards the staff already there got me in the door,but my weight can take me out and then what will I do?

Most office jobs tend to go to slim or average sized women who seem to sparkle in the eyes, or depending on your area you have to at least be bilingual. My eyes don’t sparkle, I’m far from slim, and knowing only 15 words in Spanish won’t cut it. I remember a couple of years ago. I was talking to a sales girl at my job. She said she hates it here because all of them are required to stand in place even if they have no customers. She said her heels were killing her feet too. I noticed some of the sales girls sneaking in the back to step out of their heels to rest their feet.

She looked like a size 8, long brown hair, and sparkling eyes. Like all the sales girls she had her make up and dressed to a flattering outfit of her choice. One day she came to me and said guess what!!!! I said…what?? I thought she was going to say she is moving to another department within the store and I was ready to pretend to be over joyed. She said she got lucky and that she will be secretary for a law office And will get to sit at a desk……..I was kinda happy for her. I could only think my whole life has been geared to labor type jobs due to my size. I’m always given the harder work. When I start my job Saturday I wouldn’t be shock that I’m given the harder and heavier hall. With my joints screaming mercy holding up my weight…thats not really a good mix. 

 

I will try at fasting again and when I’m done will take photos and after weight. Fasting is…..fast and I need fast results to support myself standing wise and financially.

 

Let me share this very true story.

I will title it…..crossing the street.

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I was in my early 20’s. I left my mom in the Hard Rock cafe to get something out the car. I got what I needed and in order to get back to the Hard Rock was this mini street you had to cross first. No street lights of course and no stop sign where I needed to cross. I was stuck since a trail of cars kept going on both sides of the two sided street. I tried to cross, and like the staff member inside had said he could tell I was young based on my face aka my body was large then and didn’t have the body of what many felt a young woman should of had. I couldn’t believe it. Every time I tried to cross cars seemed to want to hurry along before I got a chance to cross over. All of a sudden a Italian looking lady in her 40’s with the same body as the modal above came. I recall thinking I have to cross with her! I wish this was made up….it was like she parted the red sea with her thinness alone. I couldn’t believe it both sides just stopped…just for her! She act like there was nothing to it!

Here in Texas I have drivers tell me to cross before going,but most of the time I shake my head no and signal for them to go ahead and cross. I don’t trust cars too well. If I was thin like thin like that lady who wore heels and a dress…then I may feel a little more comfortable and not see it as a set up.

Thin women have so much power they don’t even know it.

 

Its 2:02am now. I just want to work and not be in pain doing so. I mean standing on your feet all day many leave work with feet that just requires some soaking in warm water and there good the next day! Me it may require crawling,hoping, and no job.

I see how some people end up bed bound. The pain is too great!

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3 Responses to “I hope I don’t lose a job I didn’t start yet due to weight.”

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