I never said I wanted to be a white.




Thats why I said a long ago to that anti color blonde tips in my hair woman; treat me like you would a trans woman. I hear the ladies being nice to trans women, see them becoming friends, but sometimes behind their backs they disagree with what they are doing. I rather the same treatment just talk behind my back and suck up to me in my face.

This is what happened yesterday. I didn’t talk to a so called friend for over a month ON PURPOSE. She told me off badly…like reality tv bad.  Only because I didn’t want to hang out with her and all her friends aka work buddies. She told them about me and they thought I was funny and asked her to bring me along….I said no which lead to her telling me off royally over the phone. After that I stopped all contact with her. I  thought I shouldn’t accept that in my life. I mean to be honest….I still don’t see her at my future wedding, and I wouldn’t want her watching any future kids of mines where they pick up on some of her behavior. I just go along with sure you’ll be invited…

Last month she came back and apologized and how much she missed me and that I’m charming. I couldn’t say no I mean I was touched. She never said sorry before and I knew that took a lot out of her.

Last night were talking a normal convo, about friends, family, goals, work, ect. She then clears her throat.  She says I just want to say something….I said ok :/

She said sometimes I feel you want to be white…

I felt my thumb ready to press the red button to hang up on her, regretting not changing my number to not give her the opportunity to come back in my life, thoughts flash before me of moving to a new apt then changing my number and her never finding me again. I took a deep breath and told her why would she say something like that?! She said I don’t know….I mean. I asked her did she accuse her brother who just got a white woman/girl pregnant trying to be white? Or because he won’t marry her I guess he is keeping it black? Or just me? She said…I don’t know its something about you. I just feel you want to be white. 

I told her honestly that just pissed me off. She starts laughing because I don’t say words like that its so rare I can count on one hand per year I say something like that. I told her I’m serious and you know what Its not a good idea to meet up tomorrow at all. I asked her AGAIN what is it that makes me want to be white? No answer. I told her this is her only chance to get whatever she wants out.

She starts just talking. She said well you want to be skinny….

I told her just because I don’t want to be a fat A for life (yes I said fat A without the two ss’s just A) that means I want to be white? Because I want to be globally attractive and not just in the ghetto’s that means I want to be white? Shes a size 10 and says she is trying to get bigger so her thighs can get thick…I told her honestly I think she met her goal a long time ago. And I told her not all black girls such as herself want to be bigger and toned. It is not race related to want to look your best. She wants to gain weight in hopes of it getting a bum back there….but sorry its either you have it or you don’t. Yes black women/girls tend o have a bigger, curvier bum, BUT I seen very small size black girls with no surgery what so ever with a butt. Some black girls like her and Beyonce tend to have more hips then back side. Eating and getting bigger…it depends on your genes where your fat goes.

But yes this lady below looks ok and shes not skinny:



When I rather look like this, and she has a butt (genes):


Again I could aim for this:



But would rather have this body type and it doesn’t mean I have self hate of some form:


So I asked her every thin black woman who stayed thin had in mind to be white? And if someone is white it’s not bad to be white just like its not bad to be black,Asian,Native American, and Latin.

She then says well……

I said well what?! I felt myself gaining rage. She said why do you get upset so fast? I told her no…I’m feeling anger right now, not sadness. And what you said was very rude. And me wanting to lose weight is not geared to race. She then says well maybe its because you been so big so long she read obese people sometimes have a weight loss goal thats very extreme. She said she forgot about that. I said right ok..?? 


She then said well you said you don’t want to live in a black neighborhood…

I had to hold myself. I had to calm myself down. It was like she was picking and choosing what she feels and forgetting everything else.

I told her I like more diverse neighborhoods like I was raised in growing up. It was safer, no guys begging me for money daily, no rape threats like I get, no guys offering me free sex and nothing else, It was beautiful and the yards kept well,people seemed happier. I told her when areas have ONE main race living in one area I don’t want to live there. And where I live its a low income area with blacks both from Africa and American born, Latinos mainly Mexicans and few from elsewhere. My neighbor is white and on the other side of me is white, but they are the minority in my apartments. Where I was raised there were whites, Cubans, and a black families and we lived in house.

When I went to get my hair done by this girl a few  years ago. She lived in a black neighborhood. Her neighbor came over and told her hey my N…ga! She was blushing and smiling…I told her I think I’m ready to go home. She was a heavy set black woman with two kids to support on her own, and questioned my racial preference in men after I said that. Her four tooth friend said well you know me I want ONLY a black man, no white man for me. And no light skin black men either I like mines nice and dark….I said ok…opened my book and ignored them both as she completed my hair and I never went back.

I then told her I’m sorry…but not really, but each race has its low class. Like I don’t want to be in a area where its normal for you to be in a single parent home, where greetings like hey my N word is normal, and many pointless corner stores, and many police cars going by every few minutes. A area with many cops mean its not the best area. Where I grew up we hardly saw the cops.

Where she lives is more diverse because she can afford to. She doesn’t have countless loud un-watched children running about, she doesn’t have a lot of cops in her area, she can go for a walk without having guys slow down asking how much she charges,

I told her I’m not going to sit here and say I LOVE all black people when I don’t. Same is true for all other races. I won’t like you based on race alone…thats very stupid. No going to be great friends with a killer writing him/her letters to their jail cell just because they are black too.

Besides having a couple of cops tell me my area is no good. There are sites telling black women to move out unsafe areas aka the hood. I asked her did she want the links?

She then says I see, but…I said but what? I wouldn’t want to live in a all white area either more so the area I saw full of trailer parks, and anti obama signs, and a dash of Dixie flags. I asked her remember that? She silents and says…oh yea…


She then says well I tried to hook you up with black guys and you keep saying no…..

I told her well sorry I wasn’t interested in the two black drug dealers you said would like me. I don’t want to be a part of that. It can ruin your life and more so if they feel your helping him deal drugs out. Not in the mood or desire for jail.

She then says well you need sex. I told her I am sick of her and this sex. I told her yes my self esteem takes a hit when I look at my size, but no matter how low it gets I will not have sex with any man no matter his race if he never proved he is worth my time and shows he really cares about me not sex. I told her I can find my own black guy and many have offered their free sexual services to me. I don’t need your help. If I slept with a guy just because you feel I need sex I will feel worse then I do now.

My great grand father was a black man who worked hard during the worse times for blacks, made little, but made sure my great grandma was taken care of. He even built her a home that she lives in today, he loved her, he was a real man, and respected her. When he passed away it was hard on the whole family. I never got to meet him I wasn’t born yet. During that era blacks had the highest marriage rates and the men really tried to take care of home, having a baby out of wedlock you were looked down at…these days…so no I won’t get with a guy because he is black…I’m black the end. Thats silly. No one in my family has a positive male role modal and if they were good they have been dead decades ago from another era. When I see fathers with their kids, hugging them…its alien to me and I admit sometimes make me nervous like its strange. I’m use to women doing it all and you only have your mother to depend on. I refuse to have kids with someone just because they are black too. I want my future kids to have everything I could only have in my dreams and thats a father. I remember not caring who it was I just wanted a wonderful dd of my own. I never got it. And I’m big on not having kids and becoming a single mom with kids to support all alone. So I told her I know your beliefs, but if my future kids have a white, Latin,Asian, dad then so be it. I just want a stable home and even if divorce happened I want someone who will stay in their kids life. I told her there are very good looking non black men too.

My mind went….the desire for food was so strong….I walked to walmart still on the phone with her…next min. I had a huge box of smacks in my hand and more pasta and sauce.


…………….hello?…You still there? Hello….I recall her calling if I was still on the line.


I was so upset. It was like I went back in time to middle school. I was the quite, very shy black girl. I wasn’t outgoing, nor wanted their attention. I wanted friendship, but because I wasn’t outgoing and in their faces I was then rumored to be snobby, and rich, with lots of white friends who are living in Hawaii somewhere….yup kids invented huge lies. When I was a home body, many worries, and all this made me a target of being bullied and chased. When I owned no name brand stuff and that went against me too since I didn’t care for name brand I was acting very white according to the kids.  I was nick named the white girl. When I had no white friends, far from rich and was dealing with a lot of problems at the time.

I came back to her on the phone. I told her I won’t try to change myself for anyone. Or anything. I will be me. And if being me means white to you then fine. I learned to love myself. Somethings I think about even make me laugh, I love how I can be hopeful sometimes, I love my voice. The people I know always use me as a reference because they said my voice is professional. I love everything about me. I told her I won’t be changing for you and it won’t happen.

She said how about we just change the topic…??

I said NO!

I said there is lower class people of every race. I like the oprahs and condalisa rice’s of the world. They won’t greet me as their Bitch (like she use to a lot in the past) or N…ga. And they didn’t earn their wealth by degrading themselves on reality tv increasing the stereotypes of black women or how a black woman should act. I don’t agree with some of their views, but black wise I feel better around them. I said even Janet jackson, Denzel, Kerry washington (Im a girl so I know mainly actresses).

She said oh so you like ONLY rich black people? I said I don’t like lil wayne due to his racist views on skin tone and he is rich. I told her I only mentioned them as a example of behavior. I met loud unclassy white and latin women and I stay away from those types as well…showing me your black guys penis on your phone is just tacky shouldn’t that be for your eyes only?  And I’m black….and black guys exist in my family, so I never viewed them as magically sexual powerful men…I’m black so….yea. Same with the black girl who showed me both her man in jails….member and her new boyfriend member….the friendship never happened. I feel some things its best you keep for yourself and does a guy give the ok to show his…to strangers? If he says baby show those girls out there my stuff…then ok..I guess :/



She then says my name and says you know all races are the same? There is no different in us.

I agree were all humans, we all bleed, but all of us have something in each race thats popular in that culture, and we have different cultures.

Yes we went from I want to be white…to were all the same…if were all the same how is it possible I want to be white if were the same anyway?

It took me so much strength not to have hung up yet. I said ok well how about corn bread, collard greens, …you know soul food?

She said see your wrong. She said its a southern thing and whites eat that way too! I said I will give her that fried foods are a southern thing. So I said Asians and blacks have the same culture practice? Even those born in America? I asked her have she celebrated Chinese new year? And we all as in all races share each others culture from fashion, fun, ect. BUT it has a back round coming from another race. All races of the world didn’t come together to create surfing or ball room dancing,fire crackers,hair styles,salsa,ect.

Every race from black,white,Asian, Latin, and who ever I missed have added wonderful foods, practices, inventions, ect. I told her its wonderful different cultures exist.

She then says…well you have a point.

Smacks and pasta in my hands ready for a binge of a life time to end my fast. I was too upset to cope. She asked this randomly and had no real answer.

I asked her again when did I ever say I want to be white?

She said well maybe I’m wrong. You just have standards and I know once you lose weight you will dress up a lot.

Your just booshie.

I was quite and asked what does that mean?

She gave me the meaning (I know many may know what it means, but I didn’t)

I hung up since it was late.

Went home at 313 pounds…and ate…..ate…ate the whole huge box of smacks, and four bowls of pasta.

Nothing wrong with being white, black, Latin,Asian…nothing.


I almost lost my apartment last year and it was a white girl and her friends who started a small fund raiser to help raise 400 and something dollars to save my apartment. It was another friend who was white who help me get my first job in this state and welcomed me to her family. And not only she welcomed me she helped my mom when she became disabled. My black friends…well they ask me for help when I had no job, I try to offer good advice like maybe getting with someone who just left jail maybe not a great idea, and I like them too and it breaks my heart when I say I can’t help them (they have kids who have kids, no male around, so its harder).

I have two black girlfriends who are like minded aka have kids after you say I do. Not before hand and they both have goals of success,but the others I know…I still like them. Life choices can ruin you and I made mistakes too (what human doesn’t), but if your a decent person thats all that matters.

By saying I want to be white is saying I hate that I’m black yet I felt by defending myself in a twisted way is saying its bad being white.

I have both black and white friends. And I’m not a racist. I’m just not politically correct.

I ate myself into a deep sleep. She called me, but we talked for ten min and since she came back we talked for hours through out the day….but after yesterday…ten min. She called and I ignored the call.

I don’t like being questioned like that without a reason. Now if I had randomly said hey I want to be white…then ok then ask me and judge me.


Here is a photo of Naomi Campbell

I don’t care how she ages, or people point out her flaws, to me she is beautiful.

Her body is awesome to me!


But I was born this shade, but a little lighter kinda pale. I thought all black babies were born pale, but later in life I saw some babies born dark skin, brown, ect:


As time went on I become more brown naturally. So I was temp light skinned. I loved Campbell her flawless skin tone. So I went from being more light brown to the dark brown I am today. I stayed in the sun on purpose until I got sick and had pus bumps on my stomach,and head aches. I can’t handle the sun long or I get sick. Crazy part was when some people I knew back then they said I was trying to be white by getting darker in the sun….I didn’t know any other way to do so. I’m in the sun a lot these days due to the trying to get around a lot and its hot here.

During our debate of me wanting to be white. I asked her when have I ever said I wanted to be white??

She said well you never said so.

I got real mad words can’t explain. I told her you wanna see white? I know if I wear sun screen I would get lighter. Just like the black lady got me on because I wasn’t natural like her (hair wise) which made me wear blonde tips even MORE. It was a mistake when I got it, but the attention I got was mind blowing in a good way, but not the negative attention.

*Side note, all races should wear sun screen. I will someday soon anyway. The sun causes skin discoloration in blacks and can get skin cancer too. Sunscreen no matter the shade WEAR IT.

So I asked her you wanna see white? I asked her since I want to be white and earlier you said I only like rich black people (yea I went from not wanting to be black to liking black rich people) I asked her why I’m I even talking to her or even befriend her with open arms years ago? I said I better take the offer to be a roommate with a white person who had asked me, and only have white friends!!

I still can’t get over her words to me. It was random and I told her I never want to meet your family. If you say that I can only picture what they will say. God forbid if they catch me watching All in the family (I love some old shows lol), but ignore I love Good times just as much, or the Jefferson’s.  She said no, no, my mom isn’t like that…well I won’t visit another state only trying to get a plane ticket one way back!

I’m just shocked and hurt over it. I just wanna to be me and nobody else. I don’t want to live in a box that says because I’m black I must like this, do that,act that way, and dress this way.

The way some people talk you would only think blacks and whites exist on Earth.



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2 Responses to “I never said I wanted to be a white.”

  1. jackamalo Says:

    i couldn’t even get through reading all of this… you know someone like that?? yikes. just.. yikes.

  2. ebonnie Says:

    I know….the next time I get her out my life….no sorry no nothing. Gets old. Thought she changed.

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