Day TWO of water fast. 318.6

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Its 5:45am and I want to eat sooooo bad. Hungry no…just feel totally empty 😦 

Like I lost the little fun I had in my life. I listened to Mariah Carey’s ‘I don’t wanna cry’ 5 times so far (and yes I cried that song is so beautiful and all the emotions of and desire for…food is so strong and in general it felt good to cry….my life sucks).  Then I played Deniece Williams free. I do want to be free. Free from pressure, free to be me, free not to have it so hard at times, so I love that song. Free can mean anything to you. And most of all free from my food addiction thats so powerful, I texted my mom my desire for ribs yesterday and she said she had ribs, yams and greens…. 😦

Day dreams of food, had a dream of eating food, ads show food, walking you see so many fast food places, it never ends. Its like this country is geared towards making you fat, then looking down at you for being so. I keep catching myself fidgeting my foot (serious food withdrawals), biting my nails, lightly chewing my tongue now.

I have a lot to do, but on a water fast it seems time slows down. Its kinda hard to sleep oddly. Warm mash buttery potatoes could cure that, but on a water fast I guess I can try the bitter tasting herbal teas I kept (some never been open) for the past year. I feel only a tiny difference since I lost a little so fast. Not limping as often.

My focus is being 300 again…sad goal…real sad and pathetic to be honest. Before being laid off only a year and a half ago or maybe a little over a half. I was at my lowest I been in many…many…many years and that was 249 pounds. My body looked so different. I felt different. Life had meaning and the future seemed almost promising. Not dark, gloomy and feelings that I am rapidly getting older and never had anyone or anything accomplished. It didn’t matter since someday…someday I was almost joining the skinny ranks of life. 

Understanding how it feels to ignore  not only the loser men, but what to do with so many great guys who want me…oh the horror of another date request for me. Or having many beautiful clothes and not know what to wear, understanding that the guy really doesn’t care as long as I stay thin, or being a size 4 asking my FIRST boyfriend do I look fat only to hear him say no…over….and over…and annoying him again to hear it over…and over how I’m not.    

 

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Some confessions I admit before in past posts and some are new.

Things I have done due to my weight and treatment due to size.

 

1) Cute guy on bike needing change to catch the train…I lied and said I don’t have it. In my mind he clearly looked like the type who would pass me up for a thin woman, but I was good enough to help him get home with funds. So I lied and I felt he should ask a skinny woman.

2) I heard of a hotel that holds business meetings and the guys go to the bar within the hotel and relax. They were doctors, lawyers ect. that would go there. I thought it would be good for me and a co worker at the time to come with me ( we were both single). I then looked at her….size 4 with a butt….I made up some things I was busy and didn’t really know where it was. I already saw it. Me the fat girl at the bar ordering a mountain dew on the rocks as she gets adored and asked for her number. She already had the Italian guy who was joining the army soon wanting her real bad as I had the black dude who tackled me to the ground on hard concrete flooring where I dropped to my knees and stayed there in pain (someone had to help me up…and he thought that was expressing his like for me including asking me when we were going o have sex :/)   Update I heard she fell in love with a guy at a bus stop, he got her pregnant and left like the first guy. So not one she is now a single mother of two on low wage and had to move back home at her moms apartment. Thin girls of all races don’t know their worth and guys like those types. A thin girl with low exceptions is a dream come true for some….if not many.

3) I tried to get a average size (8-10) to shave all her hair off on the side since its Hollywood trendy. Girls in Hollywood are doing it shaving half their heads. She wouldn’t do it since why I’m I keeping my natural hair?

4) Had two joggers once come in my place of work in the past. I told them that ice cream is good for their bones…you know vitamin C, and chocolate has been proven to increase mood…and the nuts add a boost of protein…and the malt adds a old fashion flavor.  They bought a large (my recommendation) and ate it and never seemed happier. They said this was the best malt shake they have ever had! They came in for water and left with two large shakes.

5) I think all women desire to look their best and I hate the struggles of being obese, but deep down it gives me hope that if the world in general is getting fatter based on studies then I will stand out in the future.

I’m not bad. Its just that thin girls have it all and the ones who don’t….don’t know they can have it all.

I’m comforted by I get crazy guys too and I’m thin…yea, but you also get the sane ones as well.

Or I get older guys wanting me too…yes, but there not broke like the ones I get looking for a low self esteemed fat girl to have sex with.

Thin women can afford to eat a little more, or afford to miss out on a few men. I can’t.

I still have to catch myself, but then I remind myself I’m black no one ever guesses that there are some black girls who would love a thin body or working towards it. The ones who are thin and trying to gain weight I feel are insane!

One very thin black girl did this for the longest and finally gained weight and her husband wanted a divorce. He enjoyed his runway body wife, not a thick thighs phat girl of a wife.

Then there are the thin size 0-2 black girls who get asked how are you so small. They always smile and say they get asked that all the time. Just like any other race who is very thin, I never saw her eat either.

Oh gosh 😦  This fast is awful. I just want to eat. Thats all I want to do.

Right now thoughts of floating pink cupcakes with heavy whip cream. And strange desires such as pizza with diced bananas on top. Or a sweet mango, or better a Chinese buffet full of sweet rolls, sweet and sour sauce, noodles, and all the soda I can drink!

Somebody help me…continues you fidget and gets prepared to curl up and hope the desire leaves real soon.

Just heard a large boom of thunder. Rain is picking up…..that took me out my food trance fast! Sadly it will return.

I have to lose weight.  My future depends on it.

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