Being the heaviest I have ever been in life….

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Currently 26 of age. Single still and I admit never had a boyfriend before. I was never one of those girls that took what I could get. From a girl telling me I look good and I may get to be a baby mama (forget a relationship, let alone a possible marriage). To being between the ages of 19-21 with a cute guy with dirty sneakers offering me love if only he had sex with me right off the bat.

Not long ago I decided to throw in the towel, and embrace my fate as a living and breathing large size black woman. I feel no judgement to lose the weight really, but yet feel the discrimination everyday. From guys who pass me up, to having the experience for the job only to be passed up for someone more….acceptably slim. I looked online for pro fat groups. Men and women both proud of their guts and rolls and who gives a flying F of society. Stories and stories of how their treated by family, friends and strangers.

At 5’10 and 330 pounds a good friend of mines said I wasn’t that fat….I think its a culture thing and luckily not all of us think this way. Yet deep down I’m glad were a little more body friendly….as of now…kinda. I noticed blacks shifting as well and women my size in the future won’t get a slap on the wrist and can continue on our ways….but thats another topic.

It didn’t last long. Seeing white, latino, black, and few Asian girls on these pro fat sites and speaking out against how were treated….didn’t last long. It felt like these pro fat sites agreed with me that were not treated right, but instead they will embrace their size no matter what.

I went to whole foods …it was sunday and hey I love the fresh fruit samples and chips and dips. A habit I use to have when I was losing weight, more smaller and somehow started wearing sun glasses more with a feminine step to my walk. I decided to go back to feel…to remember…the ways of my thinner self (compared to now). At the end I would leave with a small bowl of watermelon or fresh squeezed orange juice before heading out.

In whole foods besides the cute men both customers and employees. I saw people ….slim thin women with their boyfriends and husbands..with kids 😦 and here I came like I was walking down some stairs looking for Rodger from the show whats happenin…

I felt older, pointless, lost of dreams and very alone. When I was losing weight. I didn’t care that someday I was going to be 30. Losing weight the world seemed to be open and free. Like so what I don’t have a college degree, no guy yet or even kids. It seemed everything was possible. Bad things could happen, but at least I would be thin, at least if single I could get a boyfriend within a matter of weeks (yes I knew two women who met a guy and married him within knowing him only in a month. One a zero the other a size 2)

The high retail store I use to work at….the boss that laid me off I found out a couple of months ago he was long gone as in fired. I had department managers saying they needed me, had proof…..I found out once laid off he replaced me with another stock girl. Someone told me he had favoritism with his own kind (Latino/Mexican) I refused to believe it. But why lay me off only to replace me with someone else? Even the other worker (who was latino) when she heard I was being let go she was angry. She said I was a great worker. He also had issues with women too. He talked down on women no matter the race. Even the new assistant Hr woman who was carrying her first child. Besides this he was eventually let go only because he got too comfortable. He was suppose to be at work, but would stay home for days. He got caught by corporate when they came to visit…he was no where to be seen. When I was there I would call him only to be told he left out 2-3 hours then when he was suppose to. I never said anything…I mean that was my boss I felt.I will admit I was a little shocked.

It hurts knowing I would of been almost a size 6 maybe by now, still working there and experiencing true love…coughs…coughs…based on my size first…coughs….and  who knows what else. Instead I’m fatter, more upset, and fear the future.

Visiting that whole foods…..I had to throw in my pro fat movement thoughts. I knew it wasn’t going to last long the more I saw thin women out and a bout enjoying their little skinny lives. Doesn’t matter the race of woman…all I saw was slow motion in whole foods. The larger woman I saw it seem time seemed to pick back up again.

My friend yesterday wants to go out for lunch later today (its 2:10am now) I told her Im going on a water fast. She laughed and I understand…I mean I been trying to fast since I was a teen. With rare success and plenty of failure. Its a low blow knowing that I am class 3 of the obese standard. It use to be class 2…then 1….those days long gone.

 

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Since being really Obese:

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1) I got a job 4 days ago. I lost the job after day one. It was working as a nurse assistant. Those who have done this work before understand its really the nurses slave. The lpn/lvns nurses sit and do hardly much. Your busy yet a resident needs help…they sit there letting you the nurse assistant do it all. Some are nice enough to get up and say hey as your wiping up poo that do you know so and so needs help? Very common practice in nursing homes. The job was 12 hours straight. I only got to sit down 20 min of it….because I was born with my ankles going slightly in ward (you couldn’t tell during my thin era as a child). The doctor told teenage me I would always have to wear support for the rest of my life, and ice my ankles/feet after standing on them too long. Well because the job required heavy lifting of residents who were total care, non stop poo cleaning action, getting them up because family wants to see them sit up during their short visit, and having to feed three people meaning after one ate (which took time) I had to feed another…then another,,,,,putting me the new girl with three feeders behind. Long story short I took the bus…limp on home the rest of the way. Laid down and never felt so happy to do so….woke up and because of the intense on your feet job and never allowed to be caught sitting during down time. My feet hurt, but my left ankle was weak…to the point I couldn’t stand at all. I had to crawl three times to the bathroom, using the little upper strength I have to host my self on the toilet…such a sad sight. I couldn’t cook or heat anything up because it requires standing. I crawled back to lay on my floor ( no bed anyway) and ate applesauce and fiber bars I was too lazy to put up thank God! The job said I can return after I get a doctors note proving I can work again. If I don’t….then fired pretty much.

2) During orientation I was hoping to get placed in independent or assistant living. Thanks to stereotypes that all fat/large women like myself are really body builders who can left anything and anyone…so thats how I got the skilled nursing side thats full of heavy elderly people who by the way are not fat just heavy. A family member expected big ol me to lift her 6 foot tall something 200 pound something husband into bed  when it said on his chart he is a two person. And when I got help he was still a struggle to lift into bed. A girl during orientation said I should be happy it won’t be hard for me since Im big..I cut her off and said I’m not that strong….she then tries to correct herself and says I mean your height!  Even the nurses would pull me from my work to help a nurse aide lift because well I’m super MAN of course. Had to correct them too and they would go oh no I met your height! Right…my height becomes many saving grace.

3) Being called ma’am  by younger and people of my same age group.

4) Walking from my apt, pass the train station, and all the way to my old job like I use to 5 days a week 5:30am in the morning…a 30 min walk. I was losing weight so good I would jog on and off. Me jogging….the thought….just amazing back then. Still big, but lost I believe 51 pounds off my frame helped a lot. Well a few months ago (3) I did my same path and complained to myself never again. It was HARD. I was breathing hard from such a long walk. I can’t believe I use to do this five days a week and then after being on my feet at work (30 min break and 15 min…at rare skipping all breaks) I would walk back…well going didn’t take me 30 min …almost 50 something. And going back home…rode the bus back. I couldn’t handle the torture anymore.

5) I limp more often then before.

6) I fear talking and walking due to the fact people can hear me breath hard.

7) My fat clothes and now my temp goal clothes. I now have a limited amount of clothes to wear due to my increase size…can’t even fi my old uniform….you can tell I loved that job.

8) My days seem to be going faster. I get up and it feels like night fall is right around the corner.

9) Feel aged

10) Went online so that if I do land a job and can’t walk due to extreme pain….at 26 was looking at fashionable canes 😦 and even life alert sounds like a good investment.

11) Rode the bus and sat next to a guy. The bus was small and crowded. So when a couple left leaving two free seats he got up and left me. I told him thank you (shrugs) he said nothing. I gotten so big my rolls were touching him.

12) I gotten so big bending over is risky. My pants start to go down showing my under wear. And it has shown often.

13) I did one on one care giving. A couple of months ago…didn’t end well, but anyway. She was 90 years old. Told me she doesn’t care if I get bigger and thats what she likes about me…..I was like wow ok. One day she said she loves when we go o the store together because I’m so big she feels safe no one will bother us….that crushed me. Ok yes I’m huge in weight, but I hate being judged. I mean if a guy/girl comes with a gun and wants your purse….I’m gone…I mean GONE. Or at least begging to spare MY life. Plus I’m not a fighter to be honest I know I will lose anyway. I will hobble off to a safe area and call 911 for you…but don’t expect due to my size I’m tough and scary:/  In my head me and Princess Peach have some things in common…we both want to be rescued for one.

14) Knees feel weaker

15) Takes extra effort to stand from floor (where I sleep) to standing position. Requires using my hand laying on a strong near by surface aka chair and slowly coming up.

I better stop here.

 

But once again I will try….to water fast. Its 3:01am now  scale reads….328.0

 

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5 Responses to “Being the heaviest I have ever been in life….”

  1. jackamalo Says:

    Hug.

  2. jackamalo Says:

    (I know that’s not enough, but I want you to know that some random internet person read your post and validates your struggle)

  3. ebonnie Says:

    Thanks Its much needed 🙂

  4. PReuter Says:

    Glad to hear your still okay. I was just on titp, and I thought I recognized your writing style, so I decided to check here. Thank you for checking in, I`m relieved.

  5. ebonnie Says:

    Thank you 🙂 and I visit there at random. I wrote them like a month ago I don’t recall. I can’t give up…I don’t have a choice.

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