I am told I’m funny (how I explain things)
I am told I am real funny and are you making this up? (Because my life sucks and bad things tend to happen to me, it feels pretty often)
I am told I am kind and forgiving (I have my limits)
Besides grown up shows….shhhh I do like watching fairly odd parents, sponge bob sometimes and a childhood fav Johnny Bravo (he loved the thin girls), and oldies such as good times, and all in the family…I been told Im behind in time.
I’m told Im slow because I like peace over violence. I rather walk away from mess then stay in it. Once when got so mad I said a CURSE word! I was then told oh wow I thought you were slow….only because they notice I rather walk away or ignore whats really going on. Was called slow by …friends? Both black, both think the N word is ok even though the true history of it makes it not ok ga or er at the end doesn’t matter. Nor I’m I the one with kids and single…not slow. Plus if I was slow…thats rude to even randomly bring it up.
Im told I’m smart
I’m shy and sometimes suffer social anxiety when new to a person.
Its 2014.
The year I would of been a size 8 by now if never laid off from my job.
I been wanted to do this, but my heart said no what about their feelings? What about my feelings?
Within three months I let go of two pointless relationships.
Never really helpful and at times made me feel worse about myself or just very much annoyed.
Friendship #one: Shes there for the storm.
I let this one go about three weeks ago. People say they wish they had a friend to be there for the storm…well I had one that was there for my storms because she thought it was highly funny. I get laid off, next week bed bugs so I sleep on the floor, ….the list is endless. In the past I get a crazy roommate who hears voices and desires me sexually even though she said shes straight…this friend thought that was funny when I lived in fear.
She was the only friend I had close in age who lived in the same state as me. We met four years ago when I was new to Texas. She was a size 10, thick thighs and like some other black women/girls wanted to gain more weight…I told her thats not a good idea, but she ignored that. Oddly enough when we binge on a shared pizza (I eat three she eat the rest) she would pull over to vomit.
We would fuss and sadly when I fuss its not meaningful and mean sounding vs she let me have it like a stranger in the streets. Sometimes she treated me like a child who didn’t know any better.
Once we went to panda express and as she was paying her purse was open and there it was….a bag of CHIPS. I was hungry and waiting for my turn. I thought this was my friend, so why not. I took a chip out and she snatched her purse away. Because of that I didn’t want to eat anymore. Shame washed over me. She told me off only where I could hear to the point deep down I wanted to cry. SHe then got mader because I refuse to order anything to eat and just wanted to go home. Yes I may been in the wrong for touching the chips thanks to all logic out the window…I have a serious eating disorder, but wish she didn’t act like that.
Another time I was text joking her saying I know everything about you (p.s she said the same months before because I told a lot about myself…whats there to hide?). She then called me and we talked everything was cool. Then she snapped saying what the fuck you know about me?! You don’t know anything about my life!! I was so shocked I almost drop my phone!
She said she had to wait until she left work to tell me off.
The final straw was …like I said I am shy too shy when new to people and a large group of people even family is too much for me. even in large family settings like thanksgiving I would hurry and grab my plate and go upstairs where there was very few people to none. She ask me to go out with her…I thought about it because I rather stay home. I said sure why not thinking it would be only us. I told her my upbringing, I told her about my social anxiety which she said I don’t have not understanding that I’m use to her now, but with others….strangers I have to fake it. I told her everything. Long story short her and a large group of people from work, people from work and reg friends were coming too! I needed her to do a favor for me, but if she was going to do it she said I have to come. When I questioned her, she told her co-workers about me and others and they thought I was funny and wanted to see me. Im sorry ,but the idea was too much and just the idea is making me chew my nails now. And why a group of strangers know more about me then I know them? I told her no…she told me off badly and she had a cal come through and said hold on…I hung up as if I was going to stay on the line to be cursed out.
I believe she told them I was coming and by saying no maybe made her look bad?
Long time a ago about 3 and a half years ago she asked me if I wanted to join her and her friends in a club? Remember I’m 5’10 and 300 back then as well, clumsy walk, and I dress average due to my size not much exist. I was in a rare odd mood and said yes. She got quite over the phone and said oh wow….i didn’t expect you to say yes. I only asked to be nice. I was shocked thinking why ask at all? I’m not a clubber so no lost to me.
Now she mentions me a lot to her friends, the things I say, how funny I am, ect and now I’m cool enough to hang out with?
Nope.
We had many bad moments which is normal in any relationship, but the way she told me off was like being on the set of reality tv like I just slap her mother and now what?! Just because I said no…..we had bad moments and when we do they were too extreme for me. I’m not into pity things being over blown. We had good times like trying on clothes (pointless for me), but this suppose to friendship should of been over.
There were times she would do it just for sport tell me:
1) Im single (she was too, but had a bf before)
2) When your going to lose weight??
3)Your not living (I agree), but I don’t think clubbing and drinking like her is a form of living either.
She believed in races staying with each other only…even though like most black men her brother was with a white girl most considered the town slut back in her state because she was known for the best blow jobs.
She try to set me up with other black guys who didn’t mind my size…I never needed help in this area and told her no,no,no,no.
The black guys when I questioned her over and over she admit yes he is a drug dealer, BUT….
He likes big girls and did abuse his last girlfriend, BUT…..
And the best one let me find a black guy for you, so you can have sex. I think you will like it….again its not hard to find any man for sex. I want a RELATIONSHIP thats normal and does nothing illegal. Her partner is a former pimp…he claims.
Worse the biracial gay guy she said maybe us two can knock out two stones in one him having sex with a girl for the first time and me having sex for the first time.
Someday I hope to have a family and don’t want my future kids thinking its ok to be a certain way because I call this a friend.
Like she would call me a bitch and told me she calls her other friends bitches. I told her I’m not into that just like a former friend many years ago called me nigga…thats not what I am or believe in. I have one who sometimes use it as a form of joking the N word….thats her main flaw and I never forgot she said sometimes people think your slow (read the above why) ….I never forgot that. When I move back home I may just lose many contacts.
I met my twin at the job I had quit from. Both black, both were called white girls behind our backs, and both want a better future, and both understand each other it was unreal finding someone almost like me.
Friendship# two
I known her for four years as well. A woman in her late 40’s. Behind her back at work people called her crazy because stranger or not she would walk up to you and tell you about all her family problems and she gave all her family nicknames. Picture someone coming up to you saying and talking real fast to the point you ask her to repeat : Boom and toto did cherry blossom wrong and if my daddy was a live he would whip chucky back in place. I told her (we met at work) I don’t know what or who these people are. Then she say her sister be gaping…my first thought was this sexual? I ask her one day whats gaping means? She told me shes both hood and country and I need to keep up if I want to roll with her. I said ok…so it means? She then told me it means lazy and don’t want to do anything.When I told her what I’m going through she say quickly been there done that! As if ok move on. If I mention something going on at work she say my daddy raised me (he raised his other daughters, but they didn’t turn out like her) and I don’t have time for all that feminine stuff…she say that a lot. She said women like to get their nails done, hair done and I just add grease and put my hair in a pony tail I don’t have time for that. And her daughter is a lesbian and don’t understand how…..her daughter was raised by her who always put down being feminine and her daughter dresses and appears almost like a boy I thought she would be proud. When I try to talk she talk over me and every time I say I have to go now she would say , but one more thing…..hours later and tired it would take my phone dying to hang up on her on its own. I could order food, watch tv and she still be talking and talking real fast. And when she at rare had no more to say she would breath on the phone and I would listen to it and when I say well ok…we have nothing else to talk about. She would start talking again and fast. It became chore to even answer her calls or listen. There were times I ignore her for a couple of months then come back by calling.
Recently she got injured on the job and she can’t work for a moment. So she has more time to talk. I been busy trying to find jobs, school and help to try and prevent me from being homeless on the streets. She get upset I couldn’t make it to her doctor visit when I was going to go, but she said she didn’t want me to feel left out and her other friend was going…well other friend canceled and she called me over and over, I was sleep. I didn’t mind going even if her longer known friend was coming.
She then got worse saying how when she needs people everyone wants to drop off like leaves she went on and on until I snapped! I told her shes not the only one suffering, Im in debt too, I need a job, I’m in school, and live in a area I wish I never moved to but had no choice, I have a lot going on and stop thinking its just YOU. I have needs too that I’m trying to meet. I told her Im the one that every time I say nice things, try to uplift her with kind words and be positive and put my issues on silent and listen ONLY to you you been shooting me down, making me feel bad. Like I told her she will make it and everything will be ok. She then says listen (my name here) Im not stupid and not born yesterday ….she repeated this when I only met well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the first time ever she was quite. She never heard me talk like that to her. I told her she makes me feel bad just for saying nice things. I then went out my way to give her a number that may help her with her rent. For her b day I got her a gift bag which I will be now keeping. I have that effect on people I am nice, but at some point in months or years or a few weeks its only so much I can handle.
The last and final talk we will ever have…
We were talking ….she was talking and she refuse to text she said when I call she has a favor of me. I called and after 30min of her talking I said….sorry to interrupt,but you mentioned you needed something from me? She said oh yea I just wanted to know if you had a scale to weigh her plates…I said no. I then said that was all? She then began talking over me not ever hearing my question even when I repeated it twice more. I then thought ok well this will be a long convo.
She said her lawyer told her that her apt can’t put her out and to talk to the land lord.
All I said was my aunt was able to stay at her apt for months for free years ago. She had a landlord who told her how shes not sure why she won’t charge her and my aunt moved to a whole new state with only a few dollars. So I told her maybe her land lord will be nice enough about it, but most only care about money such as my land lords. She then cuts me off saying IM TOO NEGATIVE. And thats why she don’t ask me to roll with her because im too negative! I went blink and shocked!
I mean she been begging me to come over for weeks, she always ask could I go out with her, she wanted me at her doctor visits now its thats why she never asks me to roll aka go out with her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A total lie. And I snapped.
I told her I been nice, and tired of …she then tries to cut me off again like always I said NO. I said LISTEN to me!
I been nice, helpful and was only speaking the truth its very rare that a landlord will let you live there for free and I said the same goes for me! I told her its maybe and how tired of her calling me neg., tired of her ways that every time I say something nice and how she will be ok its I think shes stupid. For the first time it was reallllll silent I stop to see if she said say anything , but she said nothing. I told her Im done and for the first time ever hung up on her.
The first first friend use to nice ol me thinking I would just forget her ways of telling me off and think nothing of it called me.
I answer thinking she was going to say sorry at least, like always she didn’t. I told her I was at least expecting a apology. She said why and for what? And then said I should say sorry to her…I said let me go I’m kinda busy and never called her back. She text me and text me fuck this…I still have the text.
I wish I done this a long time ago. No more over blown convos being told off. I told her I’m a adult and not allowing this anymore. No more endless convos till my phone dies.
I’m far from perfect and not a angel even though many think I am. If I wasn’t fat I may have been working at hooters for fast and easy tips serving hot greasy wings to people. Or if thin likely dating three guys to see who is the best one for me, and more likely married with kids with a wild past. My fat kinda holds things back on who I am. Like people say when people lose weight they change….not true its just that society tells them they are now perfect, beautiful and now are allowed to flirt with a random stranger without being turned down, to apply for jobs that are for hot people only without being laughed at, ect.
When I hang around older people (40’sthrough 60s) we could be riding in a car and they point out a stranger a thin girl in cute short shorts and a flat tummy saying she just dressing that way because a little sun is out, or a thin woman their own age slim in cute boots and a light sweater is put down too. When cars drive by they judge you, people judge you….little do they know when thin I too will get into the shortest shorts I can find, in my 40s and beyond I too will dress cute. Because I’m fat I guess they feel I feel the same as them. They are average weight or could lose some weight.
But letting these two go has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.
Tags: fat friend, friends, letting go, me, people, skinny, thin women
I Have To Be Skinny 
Leave a comment