I’m back…BIGGER, more DEPRESSED, and pretty much hopeless.

When I first started this blog. I was fat, kinda hopeful. I don’t recall my weight when I first started this blog. I would have to look back myself. I worked for a nice retail store that sold 500$ short shorts. I loved that place. I remember feeling so shocked that 300 pound me even got the position as a stock person. I remember seeing all those thin women and thinking ok well fake it and don’t expect a call back. When I did I remember almost screaming for joy! Ten dollars a HOUR and FULL TIME. I had maybe a few dollars on me and used all my money to pay for rent meaning if it wasn’t for me landing the job….I wouldn’t have a apartment.

My former co-workers were average weight to obese like myself. We ate, watch and cared for the elderly and ate some more. The few thin ones couldn’t be compared to retail sales women. All made up, always dressed nice, it was like working around teen and adult models. Some looked like your everyday person, but many were like ….why not me?

I always wanted to be thin (size 4 and under). But working in this environment of workers being the majority aka thin. The desire grew stronger. Walking 30 minutes to work fast as my hog size legs could take me, then going up three flights of stairs just to clock in, then standing on my feet most the shift. When I first started I would sit down to rest my pain stricken feet for a minute and limp on back to work. I would limp and no one would say anything during my shift (out of kindness) . Time went on of this five days a week, climbing ladders, breaking a sweat, then the long walk back home.

 

I was a A plus worker. I did other tasks that were not part of my job, but other managers were grateful. I was told thank you so much (enter my name here) I worked harder for the praise then the wage.  I was simply the morbidly obese black girl, I felt I didn’t stand out as a beauty due to my weight. I was ignored as a possible love interest to male co-workers, very much so over looked. Due to the work load, the lifting, the climbing, the walking, I then became 250 something. I remember my first hi from a male co-worker who seemed to not know I existed my massive size and all was pure invisible. With weight loss my crush took notice, but by then I had lost interest (not a hundred percent).

 

I recall my weight no longer dropping and the weight loss tips I wrote in this blog I did. My coffee…yes the morbidly obese girl who shook her head hearing all the single digit women say they were hungry rush for coffee was now doing the same. I even improved my coffee to cut off hunger for some hours…again HOURS. I started feeling good not oh Im up looks nice out type good, BUT GOOOOOD. I started having….a actual waist, the guys at work started to kinda glance at me…not ghetto guys looking for a baby mama to take them to maury show land in the future. I mean NORMAL guys who would take you out to get to know you in hopes of wanting you. Crazy part was even lesbians took notice driving by a woman yelled hey baby!

 

I started passing by the wedding area seeing myself someday slim and married. Happy. My man happy and proud he has a slim wife on his arms. I couldn’t believe I was becoming dare I say….hot!!!?

Even the latino guy who was like a guy next door type, funny even hinted on us being together. Before I’d get mexican dudes old enough to be my daddy or my age with too many tats and hood lingo to boot.

 

I then used my tips, pushed myself harder next minute I was now 249 pounds the lowest I been in many many years I mean as a young teen. All the positiveness started coming my way. I even mistaken a guy saying hi at work who ONLY looked at the other THIN girls notice me and said hi…I remember looking around and it was me he was speaking to. I will be honest…I didn’t reply back. Was too in shock.

I was becoming…human. Meaning because I was losing weight society was telling me I deserve to be loved and wanted. I deserve happiness. Yes I been fat many years, but its ok Im becoming thin now. I felt for the first time in my life I felt…alive.

 

Then change of managers. The new manager hired many people, the new manager targeted those who he felt didn’t work enough, I then began to skip lunch breaks and 15 min breaks working hard. The other managers would say how great I’m doing, I was told I was a hard worker by others, and get this many times I work off the clock because he became strict about how many hours we worked. So now we were no longer full time, sent us home early and gave us three day offs. Yet he hired. The guys he hired would be on the clock and would SIT in the break room for 2-3 hours watching tv as the rest of us worked hard. Many saw this, but the manager watched me. If he didn’t see me and I was in the bathroom I had to say I was going to the bathroom…stress loomed. Not normal work stress, but he was obsessed with me. The weight crept on. I no longer followed my tips, I no longer tried as hard so 249 back to 250’s, but hey I was still smaller right?

 

Long story short some were laid off such as sales people. I asked a co worker who worked with the company for about 5 years. Will they lay off stock workers? He said no they need us…long story short I was laid off.

I cried at work…after work.

I was in total shock. I didn’t care anymore I was too said….260’s…then 270’s became me.

I was making 11.55 a hour, long story short I got hired at walmart for 8.20 a hour part-time…which was really full time under the table for all of us over night workers. Pretty much earning 60 dollars a day. It felt like a low blow and my self worth was shot.

I went from upper class customers, guys who wouldn’t give me the time of day unless they saw improvement in my size to walmart co-workers where the guys ask if I wanted to be there baby mama, or do I want to head back to their crib….the weight increase and my self esteem took a hit. Then the older black guy cornered me and said ALL black women want is a wet black dick, and how we have a bunch of kids, the same older guy who came to me in my ear as I was working mentioning his cum.

The guys called themselves nigga as well. I can go on, but then a guy who had no dreams of a future and seemed confused about the word marriage would sing to me as I worked and tap dance (yet never got in trouble) and wanted me as his future baby mama to the point he called me mama 😦    My weight increased 280’s.

I became different. No longer the happy, smiling stock girl with a boy crush as maybe her first sexual fling? Or losing so much weight she was thinking who would ask her out first? No longer the one who joked. My co-workers woman wise were fat women both black and white. Few were thin, but many were proud of their side rolls and if a guy didn’t like it oh well! One with a funny walk and large told me she eats whatever she wants….I longed for my old job, I wish ill for the manager who laid me off.

There were black and white co-workers at my last job, but most had class, most were normal. At walmart I stop wearing make up, did my hair like whatever, nothing mattered and the men had no care just looking for sex and to call you their girl friend only because of sex. No dates, no romance. No nothing. Just mention of their crib. Over time I got use to it, behind my back I over heard I was nick named the white girl only because I didn’t take interest in men who are not into marriage or in general courting me and maybe becoming a great male role model to any kids we may have.

A white guy with ear length blonde hair, blue eyes dressed kinda cute…but hell I work at walmart. He kinda was looking at me. As a fat girl any guy that looks at me is nothing to take serious. Two black male co workers came and helped him asap with whatever he needed. One came back and said that white dude was checking you out…I said ok shrug it off and went back to work. From that point on the black male workers watched me sometimes made me feel uncomfortable.

Working at walmart the customers were not really thin most of the time norwere my co-workers most of the time many were average to huge. My pro thin environment was very much gone. No longer working where you and  few token fatties existed oh no we had our own town! 290’s came on.

Besides all the above the managers treated us all badly, some cursed the managers out, some like me would go cry in secret, we missed breaks and work through lunch breaks just to finish our work. If not done you were written up no matter how much it was. I then began to befriend some and try to comfort those broken down like me. Only the guys didn’t have to work as hard, few guys had to. Favoritism oozed.

Because I became outspoken (back to being morbidly obese) I was one of the few main targets. I talked to those who were brave like me to do something. The store manager was on their side and didn’t take action to remove the support manager or manager even though before I was even hired many had quit over the same reason. Since I was one of the few targets the manager came on his DAY OFF to write me up saying I called out….I had proof that I called out because I had a stalker and was afraid to go out that night because the police missed him…again..again. He didn’t write his favorites up who called out because they didn’t feel like coming to work, but me..yup.

 

When I told the police can I have proof (this time they caught my stalker who would follow me and remember I have no car, who would call me a fat ass and let him touch it, fat ass, big ass, right at my door). the police were shocked and asked where do I work? I said walmart and not another word was said.

I had too many write ups from due to the stalker, and ice storm in dallas I couldn’t walk out to the bus stop! I did my best. I would be working slow because I was so sick, snot running down my nose, sneezing, eyes red and sore yet walmart managers didn’t care. I was placed in the freezer so sick and treated badly.

Luckily I got to sign back up for school and applied for a loan. I knew if I quit I would be ok temp.

 

I quit…………………sometime in Feb. I was on the verge of being fired and got tired of the work abuse.

I called corporate and some others did too. I was asked did I tell the store manager? I said we all told the store manager about the support manager and her ways and the manager. Long story short I wish it didn’t take me and one other to get everyone going. This should of been done before I got hired. Store manager was transferred elsewhere, manager quit, support manager is now a reg stock worker and her pressure been going up last I heard and her best friend moved on who got sick of her treatment as well.

 

I used my income tax to pay rent, my loan a small student loan to pay my rent of this month) and I need to find a job REAL soon. Job offers I get are part time….and being home no more getting up at 5am for work to get ready and to walk 30 min to work, then three flights upstairs, then on my feet for hours, climbing ladders up and down, no more feeling tired after work taking a slow 40 too 50 min walk back home crossing heavy traffic.

 

Now Im 5’10 and between a shameful 312-313 pounds and all I do is eat cheap high calorie foods.

 

Looking at my old posts in this blog hurts that once upon a time I was 249 working at a job that I thought would take care of me until I got my education. A job I would be there on my days off if needed, a job I was rarely late for.

When I got laid off my managers and the managers I helped went to my head boss trying to tell him not to lay me off. And had proof why they needed me…..I felt so touch because it also came from managers who never acted like I did a great job at all. Me being laid off all the truth came out.

 

I still can remember how great it felt to not have as much knee pain, to be able to jog for at least a minute instead of a few seconds, to walk to work and be able to jog, walk,jog, repeat and get to work on time. To have eyes on me saying how I look leaner, better, to having my secret crush take notice of me , I was no longer the fat girl, but the fat girl who was becoming smaller and smaller.

 

I felt someday I would join the thin girls in cute shoes and skirts and shorts and enjoy eye candy that when he turned around it wouldn’t be in disgust.

 

There it is Im so big I can’t even fit in my uniform anymore only my walmart uniform.

 

312-313 pounds.

 

Im back…..but now I have a LONGER ways to go 😦

Thats the main reason why I have been gone. Too much worry, too much bad luck and sadness, ….but here I go again.

 

Just can’t believe how I was looking so good, so much pain free.

 

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2 Responses to “I’m back…BIGGER, more DEPRESSED, and pretty much hopeless.”

  1. Corner of Confessions Says:

    Welcome back! I often wondered about you. You had a tough go the last couple of months, but you know what it.. you aren’t broken. Its time to fightback and take control of your life.

  2. ebonnie Says:

    Awww thank you 🙂 and fight back even harder.

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