My life has to be a long nightmare: I refuse to lower myself with racist remarks back you.

This is who I am:

1) I have vanity ways- I see how I want to look like clearly weight loss will get the look I seek, plus likely a body lift in the way future to remove loose skin.

2) Even if I think ill of you due to something you said ect. I will do my best to fake it that I really don’t like you.

3) I been known as a doormat

4) If I know you long enough I will invite you over to my place for dvds (I have no cable), and snacks.

5) Want someone to listen to you I will

6) I am very silly and a goof ball…sometimes I joke and well…..I didn’t mean to joke…can be clueless like huh..at times.

I never killed, stole from anyone, on purpose try to hurt anyones feelings and yet…..still because of my oh so nice behavior I am the one picked to have her feelings hurt, as if not human or don’t know how I should look ect. This could explain why I do like guys who are all about themselves don’t give a fuck attitude. I don’t want my kids like me. I want a nice guy, but not a push over like me.

——————————————————————————————————-

 

At work today.

My former manager assistant…size zero….well at least former size zero…she looking like a size 4 these days? Same one who I didn’t really like nor many others, later who cried and I was told by HR not to tell that she was crying…her job was too hard by herself since at the time our manager had gotten fired. She had quit, but HR refused to take it since she been with the company in general for ten years. She took a month long pto. She is in her late …very late 40’s. Vanity herself!  To the point she likes how …well we pretend to believe wow you look like your in your 30’s when 50 is around the corner. No one wants to say you have the body healthy 40 something and the face of a 60 something….its not right to be that honest.

I even admitted that she did have a lot on her shoulders, I didn’t tell a soul she broke down and cried her latin soul out that the job was too hard. These days she is one of us, no longer a manager of any sorts…one of us to the point she is comfortable enough to hint that she heard I have a crush (on the biracial guy….well not like I use to, but still I guess I am friendly enough?)

Shes real comfortable even ask me for a piece of gum one day when as a manager assistant she would never…its against the rules to even have gum! So shes now one of us, miss tough as nails demoted herself.

Last month she came to me saying whats up….I said…ahhh (not all blacks use whats up as a greeting, and I found my white co-workers do sometimes lol)

I said um…I hi? Or Im fine.  Or sometimes I tell people the sun and clouds. Saying whats up instead of how are you…throws me off sometimes. The media of other blacks really…..

She then would sometimes come with me hey homey    Um…I never been the homey type I would look shock and keep going….me and her are not on that level and never will. Now a white woman has said hey homey and whats up and she may even dance….everyone loves her…lol and well she grew on me fast. We share the same nice traits, but Im black and what I have to deal with will always be racially motivated, so she never has to deal with what I deal with.

She asked me questions about my hair….I didn’t mind talking about it. She came to me sane, and human like.  Shes kind, everything I wish I could work more with. Yes shes with a black guy, but I don’t sense the Im better then you because my black husband said ______________about you black women. Her husband is black, but a qauter of something.

So Im open, don’t mind talking about race and what differences we have ect.

But my ex assistant manager who is latino…..I say this all the time white people are not the only ones who are racist. Not all whites are. Latinos who SHARE black dna I don’t care how pale you are, or what your hair texture is share enough black dna that even in a newspaper said many can pretty much go as black. Coughs…Zoey…

BUT at the same time I understand….I mean rap videos have black men putting down dark skin black women, or black women in general, you hear and see the huge wedlock rates, the abuse, the disease, anything bad seems to start in black areas first before going out to more white areas….so if your black like the Hollywood star Zoey and you look black, share our hair texture ect, but you have maybe 15%-25% latin dna you will run with that! For money you will embrace those black roles at least. Its pretty much like the winning team everyone wants to be on it, no one wants to really be a part of the losing team. Human nature. Some will embrace the failing side feeling that someday it will get better, it will win, ect.

 

So by the way this assistant …ex assistant manager is the one who got me this job. I always felt that no matter how she treated us all…I felt I owed her my thanks. If I didn’t get hire I would of lost it all. I would of lost my apartment ect. I needed this job badly to keep from losing everything! I told so called friends and was pretty much left to hang. Some I didn’t bother telling since they wouldn’t listen anyway. You know that person who you talk to and listen to and as soon as you say something they cut you off to go into their life again and your left trying to get a word in….and when it looks like your turn and they are quite it just means something else got their attention.

 

TO THE POINT:

This ex assistant manager who hired me last year, who no one liked besides her self love to herself. Told me again….yesterday she said do you have chicken in your pockets? I said um…chicken? I carry gum and maybe candy bars I said,…but why would I have messy chicken in my pocket? I don’t even eat chicken unless by force I thought to a new diet idea.

In the back of mind it was like my inner self said wake up girl! She saying you eat chicken all day long because your black! I ignored that small voice. I said that can’t be true….deep down I was begging that please don’t have my list of I won’t be bothered with you grow!

So today I saw her and said oh HI how you are?!

You know same greeting I did to black lady who put me down about my fake hair.

She then comes up to me smiling saying whats in your pocket? I said my box cutter, she said are you sure its not chicken? I said no in a uncomfortable weak laugh….no its not and why would I have chicken in my pockets? She then says from pop eyes? I said I don’t eat there thats gross.

I was walking away from her and she kinda followed and to get her point across clearly said is it watermelon?

My first thought was ok this can’t be happening at work!

I almost went into racist remarks with her.

I mean I can talk about how her people (shes not Mexican but left her country too) leave her country because it sucks, I could be nasty and say is that tacos in your bra? I could of hit hard and said didn’t you say you have seven kids at home and they work for four a hour?

I can throw racial things too and just when I was about to go for it……my latino co-workers flash through my mind, who were helpful and kind, who I joke with, who joke with me, who have flirted with me, ect. I couldn’t and wouldn’t dare.

Just like the Mexican guy who was rude the same day that black lady was rude about my hair…………………she is now on a don’t talk to me list.  She will feel it and if shes bold enough and don’t like how I am ignoring her then guess what? off to Hr we go and I will TELL THEM BLUNTLY why …so if she has a IQ she know not to even complain.

Like the black lady who went on and on about my hair….did she go to HR of how Im ignoring her? Why? Because she don’t want me to tell why.

P.s if blacks were eating chicken all day (Atkins) non of us would be fat. If we ate watermelon just for fun there would be no morbidly obese black men or women nowhere.

The watermelon and chicken (baked of course) would make blacks the new Asians of the world with not a high fat rate.

 

 

People who I don’t talk to:

Former ride-Too controlling followed me, bossy, yelled at me when doesn’t get her way.

Mexican dude who said is my hair tilted to see if its a wig by seeing if I would rush to a mirror to adjust it.

Christian black lady who told me in a nutshell to leave fake hair/weaves/extensions alone

And now my ex assistant manager…thanks for hiring me back in the day, but even if she met no harm…she repeated it and when I rushed off to complete my work told me hurry and get that watermelon were her last words…and will be her last words to me.

Now there are some crazy hood like blacks who would high five her, and say thats whats up! I am not that type of black. Its like there are blacks who use the N word….but I don’t. It sounds nasty, its wrong with a awful history to it. But since OTHER blacks use it don’t mean Im ok with it.

Like this latin guy Im good with….he learned real quick. He said hey my nigga! I looked at him and kept going. He never did that again. Yes some blacks like it and it broke my heart to hear a little black boy playing with a white guy (his mentor) with a basket ball saying I bet you can’t catch this nigga!

That word will never go away.

I thought if it came down to it I don’t have to talk to anyone in the whole store again. Im there for a paycheck nothing else and also Im pumped.

 

NEW RULES

1) Its ok to ignore people  they don’t care about how you feel nor should you. Only ignore when given a reason (ignoring is something new for me, as the nice girl vibe)

2) You don’t have any friends ,….true friends…just talk buddies (will explain in another post)

3) Learn how not to binge over a bad day….I ate badly and no it wasn’t chicken and watermelon it was TACOS of all things.

 

I heard she is trying to have a baby at her age. Which is very risky.

She married a white guy two years ago….never been married.

Only thought I had is oh no shes trying to have a Zimmerman baby.

Meaning like Zimmerman its rumored his father is white. Zimmerman hated blacks and Mexicans when he looked Mexican himself. I have met and seen this biracial type and they seem to take more of the latino side. With a mom like her saying blacks love watermelon and chicken, and the dad…? Well he married her.

Don’t get me wrong its ok to joke about race….but repeatly when I was ignoring the first round of chicken and watermelon jabs….and you kept going…were done.  Just like the black lady she should of stopped about my hair when I was willing to let it slide, but she kept going.

True story:

A white guy was interested in me, but hated white women….I swear I never heard of this. I admire how the men of this culture love their women, even if they date out and say stupid things such as Im with asian women because white women are this and that, BUT they stop there. Its not like they are creating songs saying their woman must be tan and bronze. No. Its not like in their rock or pop videos you see tons of non white women…they still respect their women. Even when one white guy made a song about black women that was a major hit on youtube he STILL included a beautiful white woman. I respect cultures that respect women of their culture who carried them for 9 months and was the first woman they have seen in this world besides the nurses.

If you don’t respect the women of your race at least your mother then I can’t have respect for you. It means you have nothing going on for yourself then to try to make me feel good about myself because you have zero to offer then false self esteem (my cousin does this to non black women and sadly it works and he has zero to offer just sex and his time)

I got rid of him quick and only found him on CL, because I was looking for someone to help me move to this apartment I am at now. The whole time it was about white women, and how they messed up the world (like black men put blame on black WOMEN…women are not hunters, ect its the man…but somehow in black world)

I told him not all white women are like that and that many have been amazing, sweet ect not all are evil.

I never used any of his services he offers again!

Here I am….I try to accept people as they are…..do I get that return…..no.

My life continues as the fat, black girl who wants to be so skinny your focus won’t be on hurtful things, but my size. I rather be called a stick then a chicken and watermelon eater any day.

 

 

Right now I feel like crying because Im still fat, because of my co-workers and its like I solve one issue another comes, its like once I get this bitch to understand to not talk to me anymore and I careless for sorries (black lady said sorry…over my hair, but too late) something else will come up, something else will happen, someone else will be rude, and then like a fat pig to cope I EAT. In a way self harming myself minus self cutting.
If I was skinny I would be married, I would be taught how to ride, I would have a more positive life then it is now…..all I know is tears and all I have to keep doing my best to lose weight, I HAVE too.

I have to …I have to…its really a must for me. I want to be a size two if shes now a size 4 I want to rub it in her face that your no longer the skinny one anymore out of us two. I will not talk to her its done all the sorry and saying it was a joke Im not buying.

I have to practice how not to binge when hurt, sad, alone ect.
Thats my new task.
P.s…..I am going back into nursing. Tired of the bull**** lifestyle.

Tags: binging, black girl, chicken, culture, food, hurtful, judging, latinos, My not talking to you list, racial, racist remarks, watermelon, weight gain, whites