Archive for May, 2013

Never allow anyone to tell you weight loss is easy, and I care less if they USE to be fat too. I been though hell…..and some heaven.

May 15, 2013



I see thin women who smoke, some exercise hours…and hours, some workout early in the morning and then after work too, some eat very little or a lot in low calorie foods…veggies anyone?

Weight loss is not easy! I see men and women in scooters appearing over 400 pounds brave enough to be in the mall and at the food court ordering food…when many are staring and judging. I see them and think wow I would be afraid to go out since people can be rude and some people are crazy enough to think their hurtful words of fat shaming is going to have these people eating less then what they are use to!

I have no right to judge a person bigger then me, or feel hey if I did it so can they! And how do I not know that they lost some weight already for their family and health? Food is beyond good, the flavors, textures, and its legal. You can eat any amount when stressed, nervous, worried, sad, ect.

I rather be a friend to one then be one of those former fat folks who now feel since I was fat its ok for me to tell them how to lose weight and make it known they are heavy (trust me I know, they know we all know, even a blind overweight person know if their fat).

If they ask for my advice thats fine…but won’t bring it back up making them regret ever asking.

If they say they have back pain and what can work for them NOW, that doesn’t open doors for me to bring up weight loss which can take months to a year or so.

When I was 300 pounds I recall (in a old post) that a girl who was 300 something if not nearing 400. I tried to bring up weight loss because I liked her as a person and wanted a weight loss buddy deep down. She shut me off. Likely heard it all and didn’t want to hear it at work either.


Weight loss is not easy….

How Im losing weight…honestly as of now. Raw truth.


I had a stress work related binge three days ago… baked potato and a half, with lots of lettuce, and vinegar dressing, and my beloved cheese and sour cream. My stomach was so tight I couldn’t eat the other half…..the less you eat over some days the fuller you get a little sooner…plus I was sipping diet Arizona green tea in between large mouthfuls.

I laid down on my stomach and felt my body wanting to release. I could of ignored it and I don’t purge daily it seems more of once or twice a month. The scale crossed my mind and how amazing I feel to have my pants feel looser, to feel a little lighter on my feet compared to 300 pound me. To the kitchen I went with garbage disposal!  Then after some time off to the shower and no longer did I feel greatly full, but more of as if I had a normal size meal.

Yes the stairs…..I do more stair climbing going to up trains, at work anyway…no choice of three flights to work, but when I do have a choice I try to walk up the stairs. Doesn’t matter how slow I go, or I have to catch my breath by the second flight. It gets better since now I lose my breath at the 3rd flight. Do I enjoy stairs….no. I feel ok its toning up my legs, and giving me a random slight calorie burning boost. Its not fun, its not something I look forward to. And yes their are times I skip, but mostly I walk up. I remember last year how I go up the stairs to catch the train. Catching my breath after half way up….hearing my train come and leave 😦  as I stood their huffing and puffing. People more small in size went right pass me and rush aboard the train. When I got up their all I could do was sit there and make a phone call to pass the time.

Yes walking and please don’t think this is the main answer to our weight loss prayers! I still don’t have a car years later. Walking as made sure I never had high blood pressure like some my weight at the time or thinner. I have people who known me for walking, total strangers would tell me girl you don’t play you get around by foot! I would walk a easy 3 hours a day to get things done…..but was still 300 pounds! Any weight loss magazine that had lose weight by walking I never bought. Problem was I would eat several servings of rocky road ice cream, and guess what? Eat a whole cherry pie with it and thats not counting the other things I ate through out the day such as tacos, burgers, two bowls of cereal and candy. I had someone say they didn’t understand how could I be 300 pounds and walk everywhere? Its like asking a super skinny person how could they be so thin and don’t exercise. One eats way beyond what my body could burn, the other eats way below to assure their current weight to maintain. I walk a hour a day 30 to work, 30 going home to 40. I remember last year limping after work, having to sit somewhere under a tree from the sun to catch my breath after work. On days off it can be walking of 2-3 hours and no I don’t do speed walking. I try to going to work, but thats it! I walk slow to med. And yes the elderly who took up walking as a form of health can still out do me lol.

Thats right pills! Now I have been drinking my Arizona diet green tea two-four cups a day….because it taste good and its guilt free. I don’t drink diet cokes too much these days and more of full calorie mountain dew….yes really. I took zantrex 3 on and off last year and the year before that…does it work? Yes! Do I still take it? NO. It works, but now I feel diet pills are junkie meds. Its like getting a genetic of something you have to go to the doctor for. Zantrex 3 gave me a pound weight loss a day. It made me feel like the idea of food….not a good idea. Its high and caffine is the secret too. Black cups of coffee again….cups of coffee should give you the same results, but cheaper. Caffine is good and safe for weight loss…in low amounts. Now I go to a doctor for um…what hollywood folks like to try? It has cut my desire for food….for like four hours lol top. I won’t share what it is, but my doctor told me today its only a short term effect. I plan on staying on it anyway since it has help my energy levels I use to tire easy. Pills are my best friend, but I don’t take them on days off,and have skip out on them for a week or so. Its not a everyday thing. The right med can help anyone, but its effects are not long term. Long term means taking higher amounts and for myself Im against that. Reason why I won’t allow my body to get use to anything, so the same dose will or my guess always work.

Yes the mind is where we make all choices. People who decide to give, kill, change religions, day dream of cake, dare to say I love you, ….everything starts in the mind. Anything you do even if it required a few minutes or seconds of thought starts in the mind. I STILL have to do self talk. Like Ebony you can do go up the stairs it won’t be bad once its over, or no if you eat that …you know how salty it is and its not really your favorite save your calories for that candy bar you really want instead. Or look at that skinny lady who is in her 40’s she looks amazing don’t you want to be like that? Its best to self talk where only you can hear YOUR voice. Its more powerful then saying in your head its like the mind don’t take it as serious. Its like whatever were going to eat ten of those today! The mind is where desire, dislike, love and hate begins.


Based on the above I would never act as if weight loss is more of buying pricey black grapes (yup 8 dollars a bag…I put them babies back yesterday!) then having a slice of cheese cake. Its better for you and me to have that cheese cake…..when I place myself on a strict diet of say diet foods only…thats when I fail. Why not have 1000 calories worth of mountain dew, donuts, veggie burgers (I love those over beef!) then to say have veggies, and mmm thats it? Its ok that I eat just veggies if I want a five pound weight loss asap, but I know its all about calories at the end.

Many say calories are not the same and you will lose weight maybe eating 1200 of veggies and lean meat then my way of fiber one bars, ice cream, and cake, and soda. I don’t know if thats true or not, but I am losing just fine my way. Some days I may go the health nut way , but most days there is a brownie in front of me with ice cream and chocolate syrup worth 500 something in calories with my name on it. I then have two veggie burgers both worth 300 each…thank goodness for 45 calorie bread lol.

Weight loss is a serious struggle, its not easy.

If they got books for skinny people on how to lose that last five pounds, no one can expect me or you to find it simple to lose that last hundred!

Never allow a former fat person who has forgotten TRULY how much they had to put into it to lose weight. I mean they claim they recall….but uh uh not 100 percent.





Tips that worked for me yesterday to ignore odd stomach sounds and desire for food.

1) Sit ups….yes it took me 80 sit ups to kill it. Strange, but it happen by mistake. I just said ok let me do some sit ups with my app. The more I did the more my stomach stop :/ this was around 10pm

2) Self talk early that morning lol.


Also how …is it that I am eating these foods?

Forgot to mention I eat my food between 10am-11am. Then I no longer eat…it allows my body a head start and pretty much like fasting in a way.

Sometimes I eat twice, but never late say pass 5pm.

Also a known fact if you eat for example 700 calories a day…then out of nowhere eat 2000 calories…you will be smaller the next day!



Random thought: With my weight loss, at work some guys no longer feel ashamed to flirt with me (even married) openly now. 300 pound me got no love. It was more of a embarrassment then anything to even joke flirt with me. No matter how the guy may look himself. Its unreal. Im still fat, but not as big as before, but still fat.

My thighs still rub, I still wear plus size clothes, and I still got back rolls…trust me still fat. With clothes on I look better.

In a old blog post from last year. I recall my dream on a guy I use to have a crush on. Its still kinda there, but if he had a serious interest and asked me out…..I sadly have to say no. The 300 pound me would of scream murder if it knew I would do that! I never forgot my dream where we were sitting, but not facing each other. I think we were at a park or somewhere it was clean, beautiful, and a whitish aura strange yes.

In my dream I said to him you had a chance with me, but you know in the future its too late. I recall him saying I know as he looked down kinda.

This the same guy who when I was still kinda new was like whooo whoo when he thought I was talking about coming back to Texas for him. After I finished ignoring his whoo whoo’s he then laughed and got what I met. I won’t travel to another state for any guy! A guy recently wanted me to move to Canada for him…um no.  I heard of men moving for thin girls…proof Im not thin yet!

Now my former crush tells me he saw me such and such place and wanted to go up to me, but rethought it.

300 pound me….nowhere cared where I was.

Co-worker even joked saying oh you stalking her!

Guys flirt, before it was just jokes of how I was lazy  (lol what ever), but now their flirts, jokes, and what ever else.

I got a wedding book (free) and just know I have to stay focused.


This may sound crazy to most, but besides my not so grand life, stress, feeling hopeless about life in general and where I am going as I get older. Being black I felt it didn’t matter if I was thin or fat. Just didn’t matter. I killed those thoughts and know it does matter if I want to get ahead in life, wear the best things, and land the guy of my dreams…it matters a lot.

I think back to my 300 pound teen self. How I see women who looked like a stray cat in the face, but from the neck down had model bodies get the cute guys. It hurt, sucked, and everything else in between.


Weight loss is hard, you have to have a passion of yourself to do whatever it takes, you have to be mentally ready. And former fat folks need to quit saying (yes this one is  true) that oh my mom on her death bed last words were she wanted to lose weight, but it took a group of teens mooing at me to make me drop the weight….this mess is what makes people think fat shaming is the answer when its not! You have been fat shamed since you were big!!!!! If fat shaming was the answer no fat people would exist.

You have to have a good reason to want to lose weight to fuel your desire. I would lie and say for my health when deep down if I had high blood pressure and was skinny I be happy! I had to be honest with myself saying yes its for guys to appear more appealing in this era which is thin. To be able to buy cute clothes, to go see the clearance rack and leave with 20 clothing items worth ten dollars because they have so much small clothes left and no large or xx large. To go anywhere in a upscale or middle class area and get attention, to feel special as the obese trends go higher knowing that I won’t be a part of it (no offense to anyone).

Now if your honest and its about your health then you will reach your goals someday even with many set backs, but be honest to yourself. ……its ok to lie sometimes. More so if you don’t want to hear the it should be for your health speech.


Im still me, goofy, wishful, someone save me type. Would of been the same as a 500 pound bed bound woman.

Nothings changed, but my size alone.

I have always been me. I always had desires for short shorts, and tops that showed off my shoulders. Now as I lose weight people will think wow shes changed…when all along no thats me. Just wasn’t going to be large in a outfit I feel would look hot on me if smaller.

At 300 I let it be known that is who I am, people laugh.

Nothings changed, but my size.

And I see clothes that show who I really am. Silly, child like, and can be sexy too at times. I already saw what I want to wear on the honey moon night, but my family loves to laugh and joke that I need a man first…true, but nothing wrong with ahead planning!

Never had a boyfriend, but the smaller I get the higher chance I have of having one that I have interest in!





What makes thin women beautiful- Im careful I don’t appear like a lesbian

May 6, 2013

I was thinking back some years to have seen the first ever plus size woman who looked above a size 18 married to a decent, successful upper middle class man. Their home was med/large.
They had a smart daughter who was friends with my sister, the mom stayed home cooking her family treats, and heavy meals and they were so well off they threw away their left overs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After each meal it all went out!!! Not all well off people do that, but they did.

Seeing a couple like that or the few minority of positive relationships with larger women gives most of us hope. Even made me believe that hey I too can have a sane, educated guy or a guy who wants to be educated, or has a business, or just the cute starving artist who has a job at star bucks, but problem is many of these type of guys don’t exist. Disney even knows that!

I do believe plus size women are beautiful if dressed correctly (its hard for me to dress my body, but I can dress Barbie really good!) Plus size women were in big time and still are in more hunger stricken places of the world. A large woman met health, and that she would survive…which is true. If all food was taken away a thin person would die off sexy, ideal and all first.  Very old pics of women were never so thin. A thin women back then was not the first on a mans list. In this era in Hollywood when doing films of the old days somehow the women were really thin when in truth …thats a lie. Some were plus size, some average size in todays standards.


Its true closet bbw lovers exist I heard of them online, but at the end they too go for what is considered ideal size for a woman.

Lets say this woman below is sweet, caring, is part of the organ donation, respects others, and helps tutor at a locale center:


Now for example reasons lets say this woman use to steal, drinks a lot I mean a lot, will curse you out in public, and is pretty much only about herself and maybe you if she needs something:



I read aol crime news daily and women who end up killing their men are thin women it seems more so then a plus size woman. Why? Not saying skinny women are all crazy because it takes nerves of steel to not go for seconds up to 5ths.

True news piece from years ago. A former model killed her long term boyfriend. A FORMER MODEL killed her long term boyfriend. Meaning this was a thin woman, not a former bitter model who now enjoys food and hates how models have to be thin…meaning she lost any possible way of becoming a model again not that she cared back then..anyway.

Just notice how the big and small stories of women attacking and killing their men. Why the men put up with so much because she is just oh so beautiful from the neck down or maybe she is beautiful from the head down, but doesn’t matter. A man into plus size women may…may put up with a little, but he is out or maybe he was out and you were fine? Either way men know their are many bbw/plus size women to choose from their is no shortage of us.

The former model’s FAMILY even told the guy shes crazy, had bipolar and to leave her ect. nope she is skinny and he is staying! I won’t and don’t have to list the news stories now and in the past years of thin women doing this because men put up with it. I believe its fear of dropping her and never finding another thin woman.

America went from weight gain ads to weight loss.

The media is powerful very powerful.

I don’t have cable at all and can see how people can view blacks so wrongly, the blacks in the media is thinking of their pockets only and those who see their behavior then view blacks as hey thats how we all are. Just like plus size women are the butts of all jokes….never the large size man. I mean I seen a dating ad and a guy label himself sporty when he was heavy and huge :/

The media says its ok to be a guy with a beer, but a women must be thin.  Men see the ads of thin women dressed revealing, high heels, always the desired one and this goes on for many many years to the point if a guy steps outside the box and gets with a plus size woman he is questioned by friends as if he is depressed!

The only thing that can beat a thin woman is a fit, very good looking guy. Not fit and butter face (women know when they see butter face, men seem to ignore it).

A fit, and good looking man who knows it will melt a thin woman quickly and tables are turned. She knows he can leave for another skinny without problems, it may drive her crazy to the unnatural extreme or hope this could be her husband! (why studies say to date and marry ugly men for a reason…)

The media is so powerful, the ads, billboards ect.

The only way girls as a whole will get larger and thin is not in….is if world wide we lack food, fast foods shut down, and everyone is a size zero to 6. Soon the sight of a plus size woman will be in, in ads, bill boards as young and older girls struggle to eat just one more slice of pie.  Run way models would have full cheeks, hips, and sexy walks in heels. The new extreme size is not a 20, but a 30.  No longer will size 0 be the cream of the crops of thinness.  Their will be talk shows of crying girls saying how they want to be larger, but can’t stop not eating as much as others. And just like a lone thin girl in whole foods instead guys will be rushing over to the plus size woman in the frozen section asking if she needs any help even though he doesn’t work there. There will be new diet plans on how to gain ten pounds in a week, or how our thyroids are making us thin.

So based on that plus size will never be in as main stream.

My aim is that I tell myself today if I can lose x amount of weight I can quit and work at hooters or some other male top place with my padded bra (yes hooter girls do this I found out) and spanx.

Some thin girls have legs to me that belong to a teen.  Im trying to see what guys are seeing. Lucky I appear to be texting.

Some thin girls have the faces of fat girls, but thin bodies, no body is perfect at all.

Guys see the mainstream media ideal.


People claim the media has nothing to do with it, but its how I got started:

I never understood why the boys in 5th grade just tolerated me…I was annoying, one chased me until we were both tired and made up when we both saw we had failing report cards. I had three boys who liked me at once. I felt ok telling the popular guy of the class room I wanted him to be my boyfriend breaking the heart of one the most who liked me.  I thought this was normal and that all guys should be happy I was around, I love to play, make jokes and was active playing ball or getting in trouble for stepping on a worm that later becomes a butterfly…yes I was in time out during play time too. 5th grade was a happy grade when not very fat.

Middle school hit and all this change, and dealing with my ex step dad who stole our home, moved his mistress in we had no money to fight him ….drama and awful stuff and I got bigger…and bigger. Yes I had binges in the past when step dad at the time was near who called me a pig for drinking the last cup of water…I sure would love to be a water drinking pig today!

Time went by and the bigger I got the guys who spoke slang, pants hanging were the ones checking me out, then that one rare guy who had more ex girlfriends then I felt he should have for his age…me zero ex or boyfriend.

At 18, I became magazine happy. I had tubs of magazines. I had so much I placed them in bins to hide away. Magazines of these thin women took me in. I never liked the the phat body, or the idea of being called thick, but these swan like women with gentle bodies that deserved love, and someone to save them, and their undying beauty took me. I found both black and white models and soon they were on my wall. I guess I became a little obsessed. I made sure not to place the butter face models on my wall because I didn’t want to have to see their faces daily like that.

Some years later I been told I was the perfect girl, but fat. Or if I was a size zero he would take care of me …yes from men.

It never ended and I did cry. Its like if I wasn’t fat I could of had that job or that other one or that great guy or his brother instead.

Each year I got older was another dateless year another year alone and made me bitter and pretty much hated men.

I then thought that well I want this type of guy not that one, so a guy has a right to want that skinny butter fact size 2 but not the pretty face size 4. We all have choices.

I swear I never be fat again.


My aim is to be smaller then my ex assistant watermelon chicken joke cracking self, be smaller then any black girl they have ever seen for my height. I want people mouths to drop. I feel being thin will make people focus on that not anything else. Plus I can land a great guy and a better job, and perfect fashion. My dream will come true! Yes I watched Disney growing up.

My life wouldn’t be this way if I wasn’t fat…sad fact.

May 4, 2013

I was just thinking how all those thin girls at my job have either a loser boyfriend who got lucky to have them (or risk breaking up and having to find another thin woman to take them as they are…hard to do if you suck as a person) or the thin girls who knew their worth in  size and have guys that if fired or lost their jobs they would be ok.

My mom agreed after much thinking that yes its true when thin you have CHOICES of who you want to be with. The loser guy, the awesome guy, in between guy, the guy you learn to accept his flaws type of guy so many choices. As a thin woman and I seen it where she is abused, but some family type of guy is willing to save her…when there is large women who are abused and the only guys after them are hidden abusers themselves to no one.

I have no one to comfort me after work, no one to go out with (its only so much girl power time a person can take), I would of been married and likely still in my state and maybe even a teen model. My weight has altered my WHOLE life!


Many famous people wouldn’t be where they are today if they were fat likely in school trying to earn a degree, or still flipping burgers into old age, anything.

That lady who ruined my week about my hair….no one to comfort me. Yes girl pals I guess, but lets be honest….

That watermelon and chicken jab at me…..had to embrace myself in a self hug along with a huge binge.

Its just me,myself and I.

On the 20th theres a great chance of a pet kitten or two.

Its just not fair sometimes…

Its better to be five pounds under weight then to be 100 pounds over weight.

I do blame myself at times even though I can’t control my binges at times.  Its like things could be so much better, happier, different.

Dorothy went to the wizard of Oz, I went to HR instead

May 4, 2013

There people who don’t like Latinos, whites, blacks, Asians, gays, Jews, Muslims, Christians,snakes, dogs, cats whatever humans have hate or just dislike for something. Some stereotypes are true! Its not a stereotype that many black babies are born in fatherless homes, BUT is is a stereotype to say blacks eat chicken and watermelon everyday and we carry it ect.

No black owned businesses exist called chicken and watermelon corner stores, or chicken and watermelon home style cooking, nor is our fashion geared to wearing chicken and watermelon drawings. Chicken is not a racial thing ALL races use in in their foods, and chicken seems like a southern thing when fried, or a asian cultural food when cooked a certain way, or a Latino thing when placed in a burritos or shells. Its endless.

My ex assistant manager who is latino herself, my first thought was ok you can’t deny the fact  that many of us have joked about other races and thats ok, BUT not when it has no truth to it. And however you feel when its racist like that keep it to yourself and joke with others who like enjoy the old and tired out stereotype that blacks are just home eating chicken and watermelon around the clock. I can’t change who you are, but to my face….

I gave her a chance I did ignore it because I was more in shock and in denial until a couple of days later she went full force with it. I only said hi, and I told her I would share with her a piece of candy …………….thats all. Instead I had very untrue jabs about me as a black person, and as a person in general. Lies.

Its not like two days later I ran up to her with a chicken in one hand saying I love me some chicken and do you have any watermelon? I never even hinted I enjoyed such remarks to me.

Its like for example say all whites live in trailer parks….very untrue! The majority are not living in trailer parks and I know someone who is white who told me when he gets older he will buy one because his uncle growing up had one and he remember how much fun it  was to be in one ect. its not that he is white and feels a unnatural desire to move in one. My aunt lived in a condo and I would visit her when younger and I want to rent one myself one day. If she had a trailer there may been a great chance I would want one to rent. Yes more likely whites are to live in trailers then other races , but to go up to one saying how is it like to live in a trailer park all your life is still racist and untrue for many. Same as saying all blacks live in the projects majority may live in them more then whites, but to go up to a black person and say how is it like to live in the projects all your life is insulting and more so if you didn’t.


Like I always said racists can be blacks, whites, Asians, Latinos,middle eastern its not just one race (whites). Never was just one race.

I have more respect for a white racist who talks bad behind my back then a latino who disrespect me to my face. I won’t judge her people as a whole at all just her, but for her who has just as many stereotypes connected to her culture to do that was plain awful.

I am proud I kept to being myself and never returned ill spoken words about her or her people (also just in case one could be my husband who knows!)

Just think if I threw terrible remarks back at her? HR would look at me just as equal!

Just think if I was like her and came up to her and started jokes about Latinos? She wouldn’t be smiling or laughing at all!

There are some amazing latino workers who I could never speak ill about them as people. I may ask about their holidays, or food to learn not to degrade.


I got some advice from someone I know. She told me she don’t believe in people losing their jobs and would of told her to stop it. (to me its common sense if Im not reminding you of your awful jokes to continue!)

She told me of a friend of hers who is white who joked with her to be careful most blacks can’t swim and I don’t want to have to jump in and save you.

I told her …um I see the humor, but thats a known fact compared to other races :/ That wasn’t racist at all or a stereotype.

Just like my Arab professor looked at my poor english grammar (yes worse then on this blog!)  and said he understands…he said it in a way that was like I don’t expect you to be a pro since as blacks we don’t get the best education….thats true and I told him ok most of us don’t have the same access as maybe Asians and whites (they don’t always either, but compared to us…) Again chicken and watermelon is a terrible stereotype thats very untrue.

She felt I should confront her and if then she doesn’t take me serious then report her.

Problem is I saw her today and my stomach went in knots and I avoided her. I couldn’t handle another possible chicken and watermelon jab.

So I wrote HR a two page letter….more so for my records.

Within minutes I got a response to meet her and that this is serious!

People sue companies for not handling things like this. Its pretty much get sue and pay me a couple of millions or solve the issue right where it is.

I wrote what happened (never mentioning who), I told her I just wanted to put it out there ,so I pretty much wouldn’t be asked why I didn’t tell them sooner.


Dorothy went to Oz to go home….I went to HR for respect.


I went in, I was a little afraid, but said ok I can do this over and over.

In came Hr lady ALONG with security I was confused like ok why is he in here?

Long story short they wanted a name right there, they wrote down a lot and will investigate what happened.

I told them the truth!

No reason for me to be treated like that, Im nice doesn’t mean Im a walking door mat……………and of all people as my EX assistant manager knew I would go to Hr about my former ride, once how she ran things, I mean I complain about myself being fat, my lack of education why in the world wouldn’t I at some point complain about you? I have reported taxis, pizza hut, subway, bus drivers (one even said sorry I never complain for no reason).

One worker (my former crush) he called me lazy and the next day did some of my work and treated me like a lady ….he knows I will report….but calling me lazy is not report worthy ….its pretty much true. I didn’t study for hours for my education I studies for 30 min and wondered why I wasn’t getting it, if I have to wait for a elevator and theres a chair near by I will sit in it lol.

But really if I complained about my former ride, myself, and other companies nice and all why would you risk coming to me randomly with those awful jokes?


I know she will be shocked because this nice still fat as hell black girl reported at the end.

I had respect for her for hiring me a year ago and a month, I had respect for her as a assistant manager and even as a ex assistant manager, I promise all who read this never once did I think oh heres a latino_______________*enter rude remarks to the left.

Tomorrow back to work….its going to be heavy for me. How things will turn out. Since reporting her I didn’t binge today.


I remember years ago at stores, and what not I had rude service, cashier got mad at me because I was returning a game (I was 15 at the time) and didn’t know it wouldn’t work on my computer she told me off pretty much and how I need to learn about computers….if she knew about computers she wouldn’t be ringing up items for 8 a hour as I think of it now.

All of us had bad treatment.

I read a article that changed my life.

A woman would get terrible service when out to eat ect she got fed up and started reporting and since then she feels better and things are done. After one more bad experience I reported and felt like at least I did something.

As the hi and how are you, vanity, pro thinspo, very thin envy, loves true fashion (baby phat is not), black  girl I can only see the shock she had or will have when pulled and question and asked why? She won’t have a answer!

I get one thing solved…it sometimes feel people are lined up awaiting their turn with me.

Once again tomorrow I will try to water fast…just two days. Or maybe I should wait until this is all handled?

Its like 1am something and I need to hurry off to bed to get up at 5am (yes took a good nap before this)

It still plays in the back of my mind of how I rushed out the elevator (more so to lelave her asap) and as it closed I heard her laugh and say hurry and get that watermelon…..

Lets see if she is still laughing now.


My life has to be a long nightmare: I refuse to lower myself with racist remarks back you.

May 1, 2013

This is who I am:

1) I have vanity ways- I see how I want to look like clearly weight loss will get the look I seek, plus likely a body lift in the way future to remove loose skin.

2) Even if I think ill of you due to something you said ect. I will do my best to fake it that I really don’t like you.

3) I been known as a doormat

4) If I know you long enough I will invite you over to my place for dvds (I have no cable), and snacks.

5) Want someone to listen to you I will

6) I am very silly and a goof ball…sometimes I joke and well…..I didn’t mean to joke…can be clueless like times.

I never killed, stole from anyone, on purpose try to hurt anyones feelings and yet…..still because of my oh so nice behavior I am the one picked to have her feelings hurt, as if not human or don’t know how I should look ect. This could explain why I do like guys who are all about themselves don’t give a fuck attitude. I don’t want my kids like me. I want a nice guy, but not a push over like me.



At work today.

My former manager assistant…size zero….well at least former size zero…she looking like a size 4 these days? Same one who I didn’t really like nor many others, later who cried and I was told by HR not to tell that she was crying…her job was too hard by herself since at the time our manager had gotten fired. She had quit, but HR refused to take it since she been with the company in general for ten years. She took a month long pto. She is in her late …very late 40’s. Vanity herself!  To the point she likes how …well we pretend to believe wow you look like your in your 30’s when 50 is around the corner. No one wants to say you have the body healthy 40 something and the face of a 60 something….its not right to be that honest.

I even admitted that she did have a lot on her shoulders, I didn’t tell a soul she broke down and cried her latin soul out that the job was too hard. These days she is one of us, no longer a manager of any sorts…one of us to the point she is comfortable enough to hint that she heard I have a crush (on the biracial guy….well not like I use to, but still I guess I am friendly enough?)

Shes real comfortable even ask me for a piece of gum one day when as a manager assistant she would never…its against the rules to even have gum! So shes now one of us, miss tough as nails demoted herself.

Last month she came to me saying whats up….I said…ahhh (not all blacks use whats up as a greeting, and I found my white co-workers do sometimes lol)

I said um…I hi? Or Im fine.  Or sometimes I tell people the sun and clouds. Saying whats up instead of how are you…throws me off sometimes. The media of other blacks really…..

She then would sometimes come with me hey homey :/   Um…I never been the homey type I would look shock and keep going….me and her are not on that level and never will. Now a white woman has said hey homey and whats up and she may even dance….everyone loves her…lol and well she grew on me fast. We share the same nice traits, but Im black and what I have to deal with will always be racially motivated, so she never has to deal with what I deal with.

She asked me questions about my hair….I didn’t mind talking about it. She came to me sane, and human like.  Shes kind, everything I wish I could work more with. Yes shes with a black guy, but I don’t sense the Im better then you because my black husband said ______________about you black women. Her husband is black, but a qauter of something.

So Im open, don’t mind talking about race and what differences we have ect.

But my ex assistant manager who is latino…..I say this all the time white people are not the only ones who are racist. Not all whites are. Latinos who SHARE black dna I don’t care how pale you are, or what your hair texture is share enough black dna that even in a newspaper said many can pretty much go as black. Coughs…Zoey…

BUT at the same time I understand….I mean rap videos have black men putting down dark skin black women, or black women in general, you hear and see the huge wedlock rates, the abuse, the disease, anything bad seems to start in black areas first before going out to more white areas….so if your black like the Hollywood star Zoey and you look black, share our hair texture ect, but you have maybe 15%-25% latin dna you will run with that! For money you will embrace those black roles at least. Its pretty much like the winning team everyone wants to be on it, no one wants to really be a part of the losing team. Human nature. Some will embrace the failing side feeling that someday it will get better, it will win, ect.


So by the way this assistant …ex assistant manager is the one who got me this job. I always felt that no matter how she treated us all…I felt I owed her my thanks. If I didn’t get hire I would of lost it all. I would of lost my apartment ect. I needed this job badly to keep from losing everything! I told so called friends and was pretty much left to hang. Some I didn’t bother telling since they wouldn’t listen anyway. You know that person who you talk to and listen to and as soon as you say something they cut you off to go into their life again and your left trying to get a word in….and when it looks like your turn and they are quite it just means something else got their attention.



This ex assistant manager who hired me last year, who no one liked besides her self love to herself. Told me again….yesterday she said do you have chicken in your pockets? I said um…chicken? I carry gum and maybe candy bars I said,…but why would I have messy chicken in my pocket? I don’t even eat chicken unless by force I thought to a new diet idea.

In the back of mind it was like my inner self said wake up girl! She saying you eat chicken all day long because your black! I ignored that small voice. I said that can’t be true….deep down I was begging that please don’t have my list of I won’t be bothered with you grow!

So today I saw her and said oh HI how you are?!

You know same greeting I did to black lady who put me down about my fake hair.

She then comes up to me smiling saying whats in your pocket? I said my box cutter, she said are you sure its not chicken? I said no in a uncomfortable weak laugh….no its not and why would I have chicken in my pockets? She then says from pop eyes? I said I don’t eat there thats gross.

I was walking away from her and she kinda followed and to get her point across clearly said is it watermelon?

My first thought was ok this can’t be happening at work!

I almost went into racist remarks with her.

I mean I can talk about how her people (shes not Mexican but left her country too) leave her country because it sucks, I could be nasty and say is that tacos in your bra? I could of hit hard and said didn’t you say you have seven kids at home and they work for four a hour?

I can throw racial things too and just when I was about to go for it……my latino co-workers flash through my mind, who were helpful and kind, who I joke with, who joke with me, who have flirted with me, ect. I couldn’t and wouldn’t dare.

Just like the Mexican guy who was rude the same day that black lady was rude about my hair…………………she is now on a don’t talk to me list.  She will feel it and if shes bold enough and don’t like how I am ignoring her then guess what? off to Hr we go and I will TELL THEM BLUNTLY why …so if she has a IQ she know not to even complain.

Like the black lady who went on and on about my hair….did she go to HR of how Im ignoring her? Why? Because she don’t want me to tell why.

P.s if blacks were eating chicken all day (Atkins) non of us would be fat. If we ate watermelon just for fun there would be no morbidly obese black men or women nowhere.

The watermelon and chicken (baked of course) would make blacks the new Asians of the world with not a high fat rate.



People who I don’t talk to:

Former ride-Too controlling followed me, bossy, yelled at me when doesn’t get her way.

Mexican dude who said is my hair tilted to see if its a wig by seeing if I would rush to a mirror to adjust it.

Christian black lady who told me in a nutshell to leave fake hair/weaves/extensions alone

And now my ex assistant manager…thanks for hiring me back in the day, but even if she met no harm…she repeated it and when I rushed off to complete my work told me hurry and get that watermelon were her last words…and will be her last words to me.

Now there are some crazy hood like blacks who would high five her, and say thats whats up! I am not that type of black. Its like there are blacks who use the N word….but I don’t. It sounds nasty, its wrong with a awful history to it. But since OTHER blacks use it don’t mean Im ok with it.

Like this latin guy Im good with….he learned real quick. He said hey my nigga! I looked at him and kept going. He never did that again. Yes some blacks like it and it broke my heart to hear a little black boy playing with a white guy (his mentor) with a basket ball saying I bet you can’t catch this nigga!

That word will never go away.

I thought if it came down to it I don’t have to talk to anyone in the whole store again. Im there for a paycheck nothing else and also Im pumped.



1) Its ok to ignore people  they don’t care about how you feel nor should you. Only ignore when given a reason (ignoring is something new for me, as the nice girl vibe)

2) You don’t have any friends ,….true friends…just talk buddies (will explain in another post)

3) Learn how not to binge over a bad day….I ate badly and no it wasn’t chicken and watermelon it was TACOS of all things.


I heard she is trying to have a baby at her age. Which is very risky.

She married a white guy two years ago….never been married.

Only thought I had is oh no shes trying to have a Zimmerman baby.

Meaning like Zimmerman its rumored his father is white. Zimmerman hated blacks and Mexicans when he looked Mexican himself. I have met and seen this biracial type and they seem to take more of the latino side. With a mom like her saying blacks love watermelon and chicken, and the dad…? Well he married her.

Don’t get me wrong its ok to joke about race….but repeatly when I was ignoring the first round of chicken and watermelon jabs….and you kept going…were done.  Just like the black lady she should of stopped about my hair when I was willing to let it slide, but she kept going.

True story:

A white guy was interested in me, but hated white women….I swear I never heard of this. I admire how the men of this culture love their women, even if they date out and say stupid things such as Im with asian women because white women are this and that, BUT they stop there. Its not like they are creating songs saying their woman must be tan and bronze. No. Its not like in their rock or pop videos you see tons of non white women…they still respect their women. Even when one white guy made a song about black women that was a major hit on youtube he STILL included a beautiful white woman. I respect cultures that respect women of their culture who carried them for 9 months and was the first woman they have seen in this world besides the nurses.

If you don’t respect the women of your race at least your mother then I can’t have respect for you. It means you have nothing going on for yourself then to try to make me feel good about myself because you have zero to offer then false self esteem (my cousin does this to non black women and sadly it works and he has zero to offer just sex and his time)

I got rid of him quick and only found him on CL, because I was looking for someone to help me move to this apartment I am at now. The whole time it was about white women, and how they messed up the world (like black men put blame on black WOMEN…women are not hunters, ect its the man…but somehow in black world)

I told him not all white women are like that and that many have been amazing, sweet ect not all are evil.

I never used any of his services he offers again!

Here I am….I try to accept people as they are… I get that return…

My life continues as the fat, black girl who wants to be so skinny your focus won’t be on hurtful things, but my size. I rather be called a stick then a chicken and watermelon eater any day.



Right now I feel like crying because Im still fat, because of my co-workers and its like I solve one issue another comes, its like once I get this bitch to understand to not talk to me anymore and I careless for sorries (black lady said sorry…over my hair, but too late) something else will come up, something else will happen, someone else will be rude, and then like a fat pig to cope I EAT. In a way self harming myself minus self cutting.
If I was skinny I would be married, I would be taught how to ride, I would have a more positive life then it is now…..all I know is tears and all I have to keep doing my best to lose weight, I HAVE too.

I have to …I have to…its really a must for me. I want to be a size two if shes now a size 4 I want to rub it in her face that your no longer the skinny one anymore out of us two. I will not talk to her its done all the sorry and saying it was a joke Im not buying.

I have to practice how not to binge when hurt, sad, alone ect.
Thats my new task.
P.s…..I am going back into nursing. Tired of the bull**** lifestyle.